Sunday, March 29, 2009

Life creeps up on you

When you least expect it.
Whenever someone asks me how old I am..
I automatically go to say "18"
Nope not me..
Haven't been 18 for years now.
I've been in this world for a while now..
22 years.. If you double that I'll be 44.
SADLY I don't think I'll live to 44.

I don't know why....
Right now I've just got this heavily guarded feeling that something is about to go wrong.
I normally get this feeling just before something does go wrong
Someone gets sick, and then usally dies

I am probably just over reacting..
But this sinking feeling isn't moving.

There are so many things I want to do in my life.
None of which hold any great significance....
The only thing I do really want... more so than a partner, or marriage is to have children.
I don't know how I even feel about bringing kids into this world, into my world with my terrible genes.

argh so down right now.

Well off to sleep..
Big day at work tomorrow.. or not.

Choices Choices Choices

Sigh..
I've been avoiding having this conversation with myself for a while now.
In July 2007, I had an operation to break my jaw and reset it.
I had an underbite.. kind of like a bull dog, where my bottom jaw stuck out.
This condition bothered me MOST of my life.. I had braces for 3 years.
2 cancelled attempted surgeries only a few days before each time.

My dad had just been diagnosed with cancer when I got the all clear to have it done.
The week before my surgery, he had complications from chemo and was put into hospital for terrible blood clots.

On the morning of my surgery,I went in alone.
And waited alone, after not having much sleep at all.
The surgery went well, without a hitch. I woke up extremely sore, my face packed with ice and my dad had finally had been discharged.
My doctor was very kind, not only offering me an extra day in hospital because I had no one to care for me at home, but eventually when I got the bill he had medicared most of the expenses related to the surgery, which meant I only had to pay a small gap.. which ended up being 3, or 4 thousand dollars less than it should have.
It was a small victory.

I recovered.. slowly looking after myself was tough, I needed my mum but she was there with me in spirit.
Just over two weeks later I went back to work.. during the time my jaw was broken and sealed shut.. I lost alot of weight.
I estimate about 5-8 kilos in a two week period.
I had no idea how heavy I was until everyone started commenting.
In Novemeber after realising that my pants had started to fall down.. I thought I should continue on this road to weight loss..
I joined lite n easy(meal program) and curves.
I stuck with both of these things for atleast 2 months.

During this time I got down to my lowest weight in a long while( Around 74 kg's) still alot I know but I hadn't been that small in ages.

I was battleing my demons still, depresion was heavy.
Mood swings and aniexty.
It was around the same time, that I started taking an anti depressant called lexapro.

It improved my mood dramatically, I also started therapy.
Because I was feeling so great my doctor suggested uping my dosage to see if it would help.
The drug had a few side affects.. nausea.. but I was feeling so much more confident and happy that it didnt matter.

After new years I fell off the weight loss bandwagon.
A few months after that I stopped taking lexapro(without consulting the doctor ) and on piled the weight.
It was slow at first.. but then my eating habits went to shit.. literally.
I was still in therapy and feeling better so I didnt notice the weight gain so much...

Ironically since being at my lowest weight which was around 74 on a good morning.
I am now 91 kg's again.

To me this is only... 12 kilos since I started curves (coz i was 79) but its 17 kilos since I was at my lowest.
Ironically almost all my old clothes still fit me... I guess they were too big in the first place.
I feel bigger SO MUCH BIGGER its hard to imagine i was ever this big. But I had to be I guess.
I'm tempted to pull out my fat pants (the ones that once feel down while i was at work and were literally around my ankles..) luckily I had a long shirt on.


I haven't been feeling the best lately.. because of my weight... because of the situations I get myself into.. everything in general.
So I'm considering going back on lexapro.. but I dont think its for the right reasons.
I think its because I want to see if it will help me loose this weight.
Honestly.. I did feel so much better on it.. but I dont know if it was cos of the moods.. or the weight gain.

I'm so torn.
I think I might make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.. I want to talk to her about my pap results and WHY I have to go back in a year instead of two years.
I think I will go back on the drug.. to see if it will help with everything overall.
But most of all.. I really want it to help me shift some of this weight.

I don't feel like me anymore, and I know it shouldn't define me.. but it does.
I was only 9 kilos from my goal weight, now im 26 Kilos from my goal weight.
It hurts.

Anyway.. I'm not sure what to do.. but i'll keep you all posted.

I'm feeling a bit energetic so im going to grab my ipod, and my dog and go for a walk.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Black Saturday








On the 7th of feburary 2009, the state of Victoria and Australia in general were thrown head first into the worst bushfires in Australia's history and some of the worst fires in the world.

Fires, both natually starting and deliberatly lit surrounded Victoria burning for hundreds of Kilometres.
I live in Melbourne in the southern part of Australia, a beautiful coast line, rugged moutains, and dense bush land.

On this day Tempretures reached 46' Degrees across the state, or 115 Fahrenheit.
Winds raged across the state, but no one expected what occured.

Late in the evening, two fire fronts merged surrounding small communites both in and around victoria and only 30 kilometres from my home.

Areas including Kinglake, Marysville, Narbethong, Strathewen and Flowerdale were completley destroyed.
3500 Structures were destroyed, leaving more than 7,500 people homeless.

Many of the homeless had been injured, in either staying to fight the blazes (which tore through so quickly that they had no choice) or fleeing.


I like all Australians and many people across the world sat in fear that night and listened non stop to the radio.To hear for updates, when the news broke at around 8 pm that some large towns covering the state had been all but wipped out.

We hoped with every part of souls that the lives of those affected would be spared.
But as day broke, the news slowly got worse.

At the time I write this entry, 210 people are confirmed to have died in the blazes, many of these people were trying to outrun the fire.
Hundreds more were injured.

Australia and the world rallyed behind the vicitms of Black Saturday.
The people who had lost everything, including loved ones to this terribly tragic event.

Since the event, more than 100 Million dollars has been raised to help those effected.

The areas of Kinglake, and Flowerdale are two places I would pass through frequently before the fires tore through. This is the direct route to where my family live, and to the place where my mother is buried.
Today I visited the area for the first time.
I alone could not believe some of the devestation I saw, houses, schools, cars, business's burnt to the ground.
The re building efforts are already well underway for some, but for others it is too raw.

My dad and I took a ride up on his motorbike and visited Kinglake.
We took a stock of what we had seen at a local cafe' stopping for a coffee and to talk with some of the locals.
The town was a buzz with people, some locals, some visiting.
As hard as it is, to see the place where so many people lost everything.
It is amazing to see the renewed hope, and smiles on the faces of those who have to start over. With each person who passes through the doors of each cafe' or bakery, we are promoting the re building of such a beautiful community.
The faces of the towns people say, "we are stong we can do anything"
Thats the kind of belief system I wish I could have all the time.

Australia will remember Black Saturday, we will continue to honor and remember those who are no longer with us, & and in some way we will all play a part in rebuilding the communites and familes that lost so much.

"ode of rememberance"
Its a poem about war I thought it seemed fitting.


They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
Lest we forget.



-Caragh

Microdermabrasion

So.. A few weeks ago after seeing a "half off"
Sign on the window of the place I get my eye brow wax..
I decided to get some Microdermabrasion.
Now I'am not overly girly.
I do wear make up, and occasionally paint nails, and get a wax.
But my skin has been terrible lately, and i thought it couldnt hurt...

And well
I WAS RIGHT.
It didnt hurt.. it didnt hurt a bit (okay one of the masks stung a little)
But oh my god, I am in love with my face.
It feels like a baby's bottom.
And I am SO serious when I say this.. It honestly does!!!!
I've been told it would also get better as the dead skin (eww) fell away.
SO im a convert..
I managed to sign myself up to get it done once a month for 5 more months.
6( for the price of 4)

And she put mineral makeup on me as well which looks great.
But I managed to walk out without making that expensive purchase because I had to do the other one up front.

YIPPEEE
I feel great.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Dear mum

Sometimes I think that I can see you.
When I close my eyes.. I know that i'd give anything just to feel your arms around me.
To remember what your perfume spelt like.
Remember the way you used to say all of our names with such force.
I wish you could give me advice right now.
With everything..
Every little thing I seem to touch turns so much to shit and I just need you here.
But you can't be. Your place is in your heaven.
One day i'll be able to se you again.
I wish you could pull Dad into line.
To let him know that what hes doing is wrong.. but he's gotta make his own mistakes.
I've got to make my own mistakes.
But its hard..
I hate that you cant pull me into line.. tell me to buck up, grow up, move on.
I cant seem to do any of those things.

Your words are all I need right now.
But I have nothing.
I feel so lost with you

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Powerful Cycle

So a few days ago? or was it yesterday
I was bitching about me period being late.
Can I take that back?
Seriously, go away.

I realised this morning by about 9am why my pants wouldnt fit this morning.
4 hours later, I was still doubled over in pain at about 12:30 I headed off to grab some lunch because I thought that couldnt hurt I hadn't eaten...
I was wrong.

Crawled back into the office and informed one of the boys (I work in a department made up of only men) that I had a "stomach bug" and to let my boss (who was at lunch) That I had got home.

I raced home, literally speeding..
But stopped to pick up some naprogesic.. and a heat pack because I was still in so much Pain.. I couldnt believe it.

I hate when the only relief you get is sitting on the toilet.
thats the last place you want to be.
So its coming from everywhere.
Then I realise hang on.. I'm going to vomit as well.
Im not a good vomiter.. my stomach is very sensitive.. I heave like you wouldnt believe and I end up with broken capailries in the face.
Sexy.

So finally, im done spewing, pooing, peeing and changing tampons and giving myself drugs.
I get my heat pack and crawl into bed.. its so hot that it burns me.. I dont care.. I cant feel it. I just need relief dammit
RELIEF..


No time for Pj's.
Bra, undies in bed heat pack alternating between lower back and lower stomach.
and then by some miracle of nature.
I fall asleep.
It was a restless sleep.. but when I awake.. about 2 hours later.
Still groggy, with a yucky stomach but no cramps..


After a few hours my brother and his girlfriend got home.;
I rested a bit more, talked to a friend.
I go outside and I say "I've never been this sick because of my period"
And she goes "oh I got mine too"

I get up, and I wack her in the arm.
YOU.
You did this to me.
Your hormones made me late! They dragged out my cycle to get me into SYNC with you.

ARGH.

I had no lived solidly with any other women since july last year.
And I forgot.
I forgot how my body always does this..
We used to be miles apart.. but as the last few months have gone on.. we have slowly and surley come togerther.

ahh
I know its not her fault.
But after a day like today.. I sadly wanted to blaim her.
Oh well..
Unfortunatly I've got alot of this to get used to.

How Did I Get Here

How did I get here..
How am I having an emotional affair with someone who's married...
How am I in love.. with someone else.
Someone who has a live in girlfriend who he says is just a friend.
I know better of course I know better.. Pictures dont fucking lie!
Well sometimes they do..
But in this case they don't.
How am I able to justify all of this in my head.
I feel like a sinner..
Like a real sinner
like a disgusting excuse for a human being.

I never agreed to any of this.
I didnt.
I never wanted any of this.

My life was complicated enough
Then all of you came along.


Part of me wishes you'd just all go away and never come back.

But part of me also knows that no matter what I do..
Now that i've had your love, your friendship..
Nothing will ever be the same without it.

I wont be the same without it.

So what do I do.

Turn my back?

Turn my back on the people that make me so happy.. but yet make me so miserable at the same time??


Or keep going the way I am and slowly burn a hole deep into my soul.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

woaaaaaaa is me

So the ass hole who hit my car.... while HE was parked and I was driving..
Is now saying.. his door was open and that I hit him..
Because really.. I could come around the corner fish tailing... miss the FRONT of my car with his already opened door and only hit the back of the car?
yeah a huh
very likely story..
arghhh

PEOPLE SUCK

Monday, March 23, 2009

Immaculate Conception

* Warning this post is stupid

Immaculate conception is something thats has never been proven.
Right now, im sitting here and thinking to myself..
Why is my period late?
It's NEVER been late.. and when I say never.. I mean never.
8 years..
Every month.
ON time, as predicted.. between 28-31 days.

3 days ago I had a spot of blood.
WTF I don't spot.
I never spot.
A few twinges of pain.. and then NOTHING.

This month I wanted to start birth control.
why?
Am I planning on preventing pregnancy ???
No.. no not really.
I want my periods to be lighter and for it to possibly help clear my skin.
So here I sit.. 32 cycle days later.
And for a brief second a though crosses my mind.

"Could I be like that really freaky chick on house who was a virgin but managed to somehow impregnate herself and be both the mother AND father to her baby?"

No caragh.. you couldnt.
Thats a ridiculous thought.
Its even less likly than getting pregnant from a toilet seat..
Less likely?
Hell I dont even think thats been proven...

And if WANTING children and thinking about having babies... suddenly got you pregnant.. wouldn't all those good people who are struggling with infertility suddenly be knocked up.

I truely think I am becoming obsessed with this though.. I mean I'm NOT about to go out and get pregnant.

Health wise, im probably at a great time in my life to start poping out kids.
But I'm not that selfish.. its not just about MY life, MY wants..
I have to think about what is best for said future child.
So anyway, not pregnant or planning on being anytime soon..

So seriously where the fuck is my period?????

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Note to self

Possibly not a good idea, to send random, rambling, late night emails to that
Guy your probably in love with even though you shouldnt be for all reasons that have previously been listed

I'm going to bed

dear google

I appolgise for bagging you in my last post.
I realised that your only human and you made a mistake by rejecting my IP address for no reason.
I promise to delete my cookies, check for spyware, and that im not some secret hacker whos trying to kill the interwebs.


Love caragh

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Sharing some memories

So I thought i'd share a few memories with everyone who is reading this(oh lets be honest.. no ones reading this)



1987:
Its a girl.. after a short labour.. which mum was told would take hours here I was..
The third child and only daughter to Ron & Alana




Me, my dad and my big brother.





Bath time..







Me and my nanna.
She passed away in 1997..
loved her very very much



Nap time..


I was always a very well behaved child..





I always liked cuddles though..


I was always quite the artist




me and mum on my third birthday.
Notice the heaps cool princess cake she made me..
it was the best!!!






We were the coolest kids on the block

So there you have it.. if your still reading this....
Well done, google totally kicked my butt while i was trying to post this.
I first tried to link in from photobucket.
HUGE failure..
Then google blocked my IP.. I know right like im some hacker..
So i'm using a proxy to get around that.

anyway.. i hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Oh and look what happened to me this morning!!!




I'm glad I was half asleep otherwise I would have been more angry.

Oh crap I think google is after me because everything has suddenly slowed..
THERE ON TO ME!!!!

If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave a comment and i'll answer :)

Friday, March 20, 2009

1 is the lonilest number

I've never been the kind of person, who's needed other people around me.
When I was younger, I was the only girl in a family of boys.. I had friends, oh of course I did.. But I also remember being my OWN best friend.
As I got older and all through school, I had friends.. Never a HUGE circle. I'm not one to let people get that close to me.
I really have to trust, love and respect someone to let them into my heart.. Because when I love someone, no matter what.. even if our friendship grows and changes. I love them for life.
15-19 I spent alot of time with my friends, I couldn't stand my family at that age and I just had to my around me friends. After school, on weekends when I wasn't working.
It was all about them, and me.. nothing mattered when we were togerther.

When mum got sick(just sigh of my 19th birthday) that all changed.
Suddenly I couldn't cope with being out with my friends, my love for life deterorated because I knew my mum was at home sick. I couldn't cope with parties.. drinking would make me depressed. I kept a few friends in this time, a few... no more than a handful.. I kept myself busy with work.. family stuff as much as I could.
But I spent most of this time alone. I had one or two close friends.. but it was mostly just me.
I did this because I turned into a person I didnt like a whole lot.. I was angry.. bitter and I could be so mean.
I hated who I was, I hated that I had no control over my life, and little control over how I'd acted..
I guess it was good that I did this, I definatly hurt LESS people this way.. But I hurt people none the less and it wasn't until in hindsight.. I saw what i'd done, things i'd destroyed.

After I got some help(through medication & therapy) i started to feel more like me again.I started to build bridges with people, and build new friendships.

In the last few months... I've started to slip again.. my mood has soured somewhat. I'm starting to get angry and upset more easily.
I am so scared of revealing this to anyone i've gotten close with, but at the same time.. I'm scared of hurting them.

So I'm alone.. I'm alone most of the time now, apart from the occasional dinner with friends.. friends at work and selected family.

I'm realising I may need to get some help again,but im really scared about doing that again. I finished my therapy on such a high.. I was feeling fantastic... then of course a lot of shit happened.

Am I weak for running away?
Or smart for taking the alone approach again?
I just don't know..
I'm so confused right now..

I need some help..

Thursday, March 19, 2009

About me- With a picture of one of my tattoo's!


A Little About Me
1) Eye ColourGreen, with a brown spot on the right side of my left eye.. dont you forget it!!
2) Hair ColourBlonde.. natually.. and normally light but the lady wrecked it last time i had it done.
3) Height5'4 and a bit..
4) Right or Left Handedright handed
5) Your WeaknessPeople who say all the right things...
6) Your FearsSpiders...and not having children
7) Your Most Overused Phrasefuck.. im sorry its true
8) Thoughts First Waking UpWHY WHY WHY
9) Your Best Physical Featureeyes
10) Your BedtimeWhenever I want!!
11) Pepsi or CokeCoke
12) McDonalds or Burger Kingmmmmm buger king or hungry jacks as its known in Australia
13) Ice Cream or YogurtIce cream
14) Pizza or ChinesePIZZA
15) Waffles or Pancakesmmm pancakes
16) Single or Group DatesSingle for sure
17) Lipton Ice Tea or Nesteaneither
18) Chocolate or VanillaChocolate
19) Cappuccino or Coffeecoffee
20) Do You SmokeYes(I am thinking about quiting.. so thats better than not thinking about it)
21) Do You DrinkRarely
22) Do You SwearConstantly
23) Do You Singalways
24) Do You Shower Dailyyes
25) Do You Flosserr not as much as i should
26) Do You Driveyes.. love it
27) Have You Been In LoveYes
28) Have You Ever Cheated On Your Bf/Gfnope
29) Do You Want To Get Marriednope
30) Do You Believe in YourselfNot a whole heap
31) Do You Get Motion Sicknessnope yayyyyyyyy
32) Do You Think You are Attractivenooo
33) Do You Get Along With Your Parentsnot anymore
34) Do You Have Any Brothers or SistersYes, two older brothers
35) Do You Like ThunderstormsYES!!! as long as im safe
36) Do You Play an InstrumentI can sing.. this is all
37) Do You Have any PetsMax and Molly <3 I heart my puppies
38) What Is Your Favorite ColourPurple
39) In the past month have you Drank Alcoholyes
40) In the past month have you Smokedyes
41) In the past month have you been on Drugsdoes the pill count?
42) In the past month have you gone on a DateI wish!
43) In the past month have you gone to a Mallyup, but in australia we call them shopping centres
44) In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreosno
45) In the past month have you eaten Sushiyes
46) In the past month have you gone Skinny Dippingno
47) In the past month have you Stolen Anythingno
48) Ever Been Drunkyes 13-18.. then after that not so much
49) Ever Been Called a Teaseyes
50) Ever Shopliftednoooooooo
51) Ever Gotten a Speeding Ticketyes two in two weeks but thats it
52) Ever Had a Secret Crushyes :(
53) Ever Been to DisneyNO!
54) When Was the Last Time You Were DrunkMonths ago
55) When Was the Last Time You Were on a PlaneLast year
56) When Was the Last Time You Heard "I Love You"a month ago?
57) When Was the Last Time You Criedsunday!!
58) Number of PiercingsNone
59) Number of Tattoos3
60) Number of Things in My Past I Regret189327189273918274895729482
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Moving too the country, gonna eat alot of peaches

shhh don't tell anyone.
I don't really like peaches.
I just like songs about peaches.. or BY peaches.
So weird.

Its so funny though, I used to have so much to write about when I was younger.
But now I struggle to put them all into something that is worth posting in an entry.. ya know?

I still feel like I have SO much I could say..
But just.. no words

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Buses and Trains

Hey Mom
Why didn't you tell me
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two
You just let me go
Out into the World
You never thought to share what you knew


So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again



Hey Mom
Why didn't you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They're like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they're bad for me
But I just can't leave 'em alone


I wanna do it again
Oh, felt so good


Hey Mom
Since we're talking
What was it like when you were young
Has the world changed
Or is it still the same
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun



So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

She works hard for the money

So hard for it hunny.
I'm at WORK.
I shouldnt be updating my blog, but I haven't really done much of anything recently.
Sales have tanked, which means...
I have little to do.
I'm trying to plug away in photoshop.. But its hard really.

I've put togerther sales reports.
And updated whatever it is I CAN.
But at the moment there just isn't a whole lot to do.

I got my BONUS yesterday.
Everyone was really disapointed... So here I was.. Thinking its going to be a 2 figure, or even three figure sum.

No...
I got a 4 figure bonus... I wasn't disapointed... Not in the slightest.
It will help me out in leaps and bounds.
I guess it shows how ungreatful my workmates are, and how they come to expect more.
Sure it would have been nice if the 4th quarter last year was as good as the other three. The bonus would have been double. But who cares.
You get, what you're given and you shouldnt be ungreatful.

Anyway..
Since my conversation with my dad he hasn't come home.
I think he's too GUTLESS to come home and face me after all the things he said.
God it makes me angry just thinking about it.
I was so upset after that conversation that I creid so much and hyperventailated.
But I'm over it now.

My brother and fiance' just brought a house "pending finance"
And they say I can definatly stay with them for a few months.
I am happy with that.

Anyway.. I could go on ad on..
But I'll stop talking and start working (attempting to work)

Hope everyones having a good day.

Oh and Congrats to JB and H(work colleuge) on the birth of there Son
Jordan Connor, born at 6:10am this morning weight 3.4kgs.
I know it probably doesn't make much sense to use the Intials and then state the babies name..
But I'm not really scared about people finding my blog.. Because I've googled myself 10 times over.
and it doesn't come up :)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dad

I can't believe you would do this.
That you would so willingly and so coldly turn your back on your own children.
I understand wanting to move on BUT FUCK
what's happened to you.
for 21 years you were my best friend, we were closer than close could be.
Now your such an asshole....
You want to forget about the life you had for 30 years??
How could you do that??
Selling a house wont magically fix up HOW FUCKED in the head you are.
Yeah mum died, she did she died and we live with that everyday..
But what happened to you.
I know your not perfect, far from it..
But you always cared about us, and about doing the right thing.
And suddenly.. because of HER you have lost your head.
All you care about, all you want is to start again.
You want another family, another house, another life.
Why.. It wont make you forget.
You hurt me, you fucking hurt me with your cold and callous words.
I can't believe you would be so cold, but you are..
You've changed.. Your not right in the head.
And you've turned your back on people who saved you... In your time of need
WE were THERE
We came to the hospital, signed the papers, took you to chemo.
Paid your fucking mortage so you didnt lose the house.
And now this.

Now you just think you can pick up and move on and forget we exisit.
NO.
NOT NOW.
NOT EVER.
OVER MY DEAD BODY.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Someone give me back my mojo!

Blah
I have no energy today... I was up past 4am last night and awoke at 11:30 but seriously i'm laying on the couch here with no desire to move until at least 6:30 when I have to go to one of my BFF's graduation dinner tonight at 6:30.

I mean... I just got paid which means im loaded for pretty much the only time in the month... I know i'm getting my bonus next week so I could very well go shopping and buy some new clothes.. or something.. But I just can't move.

I wonder if its the depression setting in, my docotor actually went off at me for not staying on my meds last year for longer.. But I felt SO much better.
Therapy had helped a treat.. and I swear I graduated..
When she told me I was elidgable for another 12 free therapy sessions on my "mental health plan" I was almost releaved.. I thought it was capped.. but no every 12 months I have permission to go insane and get free medication and therapy.
Man I loved that shrink.... She was possibly one of the only people in this world who had ever made me feel normal at all..
Like I WASNT crazy.. I mean I know I'm a little wacky.. but her ability to break it all down and just be there it was amazing.
So maybe I will see her again.

Last nigth I was out with a friend.. she's been in a relationship with a man who is 24 years her senior.. he already has 4 kids and they were speaking about there future.. He asks her on a daily basis to marry him, obviously shes very young (22) and hasn't said yes.. but she was thinking about her future and the fact that they definatly want kids.He said he'd give her as many as she wanted to make her happy.. but the reality of it is that she could probably only ever have one.

She was diagnosed with epilipsy when she was about 11 years old, unfortunately its the kind that even with medication gets worse overtime. Although she doesn't have grand mal seizures.. she does black out alot and have quite a few twinges no matter how regular her medication schedule is.
In reality she would have to come off her medications to get pregnant, which itself could cause seziures, and if she got pregnant on her medication well thats a whole nother story just there.. the drugs she's on can cause severe birth defects and developmental delays.

While we were sitting there and she was telling me just how she felt about the posibiliy of not having a child, only having one child, hurting the child through having a seizure.. I just said it.

"I'd have your baby for you"

Surrogacy is something I've always thought of, I am not againts the possibility of egg donation either.. I just dont know if anyone would want my crappy genes..
But to me her story was heart breaking because I know how much she wants children (she comes from a family of 6 kids) she knows that love and wants to experience it.. without putting her health, or the health of her unborn child at risk.

So I would do it, I'd absouletly do it. Their are many rules to surrogacy that I dont fully understand and obviously now, when im 22 this is not an option. But in 5 years... It just may well be..

Anyway thats all from me, I'm gonna relax for an hour or so and then attempt to shopping(I really hate shopping unless its for someone else and I know exactly what I want to get them)

hmm to watch the L word, or how I met your mother.. Two totally different shows.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Truth is

he's a better friend to me than you
EVER were
And I'm starting to get my head around this whole thing.
as much as it hurts.. the lies are what hurts me... not the trtuh.
The truth I could have handled... But the lies are what cut me..
You're meant to care?
Care... ha I just read your email..
HAHAHA

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A small message

There are SO many wonderful women/men/familes on my blog role..
that i'll admit that SOMETIMES.. its hard for me to keep up..
For all of you that are..
Starting a cycle..
In the middle of a cycle...
Into your TWW
Experiencing devestation or loss...
For all of you that have just had your babies..
Or just got your positives....
Or just seeing where the next chapter of your journey will be...
Or even just beginning your journey's into starting your family...
Goodluck goodluck goodluck

My thoughts are so with you.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Technology Bites


Technology and I have usally always got along.
I've been using the internet since I was 8 (mid 90's), I know phones, and fax's, scanners, photocopiers. You name it,i've used it.. and normally without trouble.
I work in marketing(in house marketing) So I work for a company and we do all the stuff for our sales team and reps out on the road. Its a great job and I love it most of the time.
I've had a few things on the go, some promotional stuff and peices i've put togerther.
I was asked to simply PRINT some of this stuff in bulk and send it to our customer.
Sounds easy right?
WRONG

1- Glossy Paper into the printer, click print.
OH CRAP its double sided and staining.. STOP
2- Paper jam- ahhhhh crap, ink all over my hands because its not yet sealed STOP
3- Re load paper, walk away... 5 minutes later BEEEP BEEP BEEP paper jammed, ink now all over the hands, and inside the print.. OH CRAP printer is hot burnt finger.
4-Re load paper walk away..... come back oh CRAP out of ink.. take out giant ink cartridge which weighs a tonne.. place it on table.
5- Ink cartridge FALLS off table which is about a metre high, directly onto my ankle.. ouch thats gonna hurt.. and it does it bruises...

6- By now.. we are about 3 hours into our printing episode because between all the back and forth.. I havent accomplised really much of anything besides wasting ALOT of paper (cue guilt) and also killing alot of ink(Ink is money people times like this)
7- Several more hours later I finally managed to accomplish half of what I set out to do..
In between abusing the printer to anyone who would listen.. and not getting any help from my boss(who happens to be a fool)

I started today on a more POSITIVE note, I thought i'd give the printer another try.... he was being a bit more friendly today.. really helping me out.
And then.. the photocopier steped up to the plate.. he wouldnt let me do a double sided, sorted, stapled with colour front cover... nope.. several more trees's and a bit of $$$ in ink later.
I quit....

Cue stomach bug which leads me to do alot of thinking while im sitting on the toilet sorry if thats TMI.. But i'm starting to THINK
that the printer.. and the photocopier realised that I needed them... much much more than they needed me.. and thus for decided to become difficult.. and withdraw from me.. leaving me perplexed..

wait I think I'm relating my current technology drama.. with my man drama....
yup I think I am.

In anycase I have sworn off both the Printer and the Photocopier until further notice.. because they BOTH need to get there shit togerther.. I don't wanna get hurt again so I'm just not gonna play their games.
They may hold the cards thinking that I need them, but bitch I can switch you off anytime I want.





Tuesday, March 10, 2009

WHY WHY WHY

Does it hurt SO much

Monday, March 9, 2009

I once had a dream

A wonderful dream where I would wake up and EVERYTHING in this world was as it should be.
I would wake up, and my mum would be her imperfect self.. standing by the sink doing the dishes, in the laundry smoking a cigarette while doing a load of washing.

My dad would be at the table, or in the toilet reading the paper.. or on the computer looking at the horse racing schedule for the day.

My brothers would faithfully be on the computer one playing vidoe games and annoyingly speaking so loudly into a microphone to someone on the other side of the world, and one chatting to his friends the ones that understood him better than anyone else.

And I would be me...
I would feel safe and secure, happy with my imperfect life. I would relish the fights I had with the people I loved. I would trade every little thing I own in this world(which isnt alot, but its enough) To wake one morning and find my house full of the people I love. The people that saw me through the first 19 years of my life.. not always the best years, not always the best times. But through the mistakes they did each in their own way love me unconditionally.

I'd give anything to have back that happiness, that I at times mistaked for misery.

Living without a mother will teach you the following

1- That a mothers hug is quite possibly the safest and best place you will ever be
2- That you'll never realise just how much you MISS being nagged when it doesn't happen
3- That no one, no friend, no family member, no animal can EVER take that place or even come close
4- That the shear anger you feel when you see someone treating a parent they still have like shit
5- That there a things that ONLY a mother can teach you, things you will undoubtably learn the hard way
6- That words of advice you once thought to be un thoughtful and un true ring through your ears on a daily basis.
7- That each day you spend on this earth without her, is a little bit harder when you realise all the things you'll miss.