There is always something

Something that prevents us from spending time together
Something that prevents us from talking, communicating, connecting.

When we are together, yes I feel very connected. I feel comfortable, safe, warm and loved.

But I don't get to have that feeling a lot of the time because we are so far apart.

You haven't been talking to me lately. You've been mute on your feelings, and I get that your busy.. and your stressed but there is something thats under there. There is a feeling, a fear.. there has to be.

I've known you for more than three years, I know the shaddow's on your face, the tones in your voice. I can see the tears well, and then see them disappear without falling from your face.

I hear the emotional tone, but I want to know what your feeling because it helps me to connect, it helps me to understand what your going through, what we are going through.

I don't really understand where any of this is coming from in feburary I thought we were headed for a spectacular and emotional finish that would end with a nice friendship. We'd see each other occasionally and probably have sex every now again.

But that is not what happened.
And it has thrown me for a six.

I think of going, 8 or 6 weeks without seeing you and now we can barely go a day.. and are still barely functional on 3.. and I don't understand.
What changed?
How did I go to being part of your life, to being a big part of your heart.

I am still not part of your everyday life, a life that is FULL.
And you still say, that i'll be standing right beside you. In your home, in your life, in your house in your bed. But where will it be, and how will it work.

Do we have an end date?
Are we headed for forever?
Do I really even have a choice anymore.. I see myself loving you until the day I take my last breathe on this earth and that scares the shit out of me.

There are things I want, that I don't know that you want. Things that I don't even think you'd allow yourself to admit to want. But they need to be discussed. If they are 100 % off the table, I need to know now, because I need to plan for a life without you as the person who stands beside me, who loves me unconditionally.

I know what ever happens you will be a love and support to me, as I hope to always be for you.

I'm just so confused.