This could be anyone's story

It's been awhile

2012-02-01T09:49:00.001+11:00

Since I've used this to bitch soley about you.
I am so over this.
I am so over you.
I am so over your poor behaviour.
You are a poor excuse for a man.
You are angry and agressive.
You drunk too much.
You bitch too much.
You are too judgemental.
You are selfish.
You are insecure.

You drive me fucking nuts.
I don't know why I am here.
Why I am wasting the best years of my life on someone as pathetic as you.

What you can't get out of bed?
What a joke.
At 42 years of age you SHOULD be able to get out of bed.
Even if you feel you can't. Even if you don't want to. Even if its painful to do.
But you can't.

Home

2011-11-15T08:04:00.001+11:00

I just wanna go home.
I want to see familiar faces, and hear familiar smiles.
And not be overwhelemed by the constant uncertainity.
And I don't want to feel trapped, and hurt.

I don't want to feel constantly abused and belittled.
I don't want to be lied too, or stepped on or used.

I just want to go home.

I can't blame him for "making me come here"
Becuase I was a willing participant..
But fuck... I can blame my self for giving up my home, job, life and schooling for something so fucking temporary.

This is bullshit.
My life is bullshit here and I just want out.

Trust

2011-11-08T16:09:00.002+11:00

Trust is a funny thing.
Once its been broken, its something that can never be fixed.

I gambled on love and life, thinking that I could deal with having had my trust broken time and time again.. but I am beginning to feel like I made a mistake in doing so.

I am here, and I am commited.but part of me wants to run for the hills.. part of me is just thinking why.. why did you do this.. why did you risk it and gamble so carelessly with your LIFE!!!!

It hurts, still now it huts to think of all the times that he looked into my eyes and told me things other than the truth, or the half truths, or the stupid lies to "protect me" when the only person he really was protecting was himself.

I want to scream, cry, swear and smash my way free from being this hurt, but its never going to happen. This is always going to hurt, and kill and burn.
And I will always be questioning and wandering and waiting...

Do you accept?

2011-09-11T10:02:00.001+10:00

Accept that the person you love is flawed and constantly makes mistakes?
Do you take the good with the bad?

Tired

2011-08-20T15:29:00.001+10:00

You know how much I love you.
How much I want this to work.
How much of my self I am sacrificing to make this work.
But I am tired.
I am tired of fighting for you.
For your love, respect and for some attention.
I don't think its too much but apparently it is.
You can't give me what I need anymore
What I need is someone who cares enough to think before he makes a decision
And you dont.
I am sick of the "oh lets wing it " because usually that means, i'm the one who gives in. I have to compromise and give up what I need

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2011-08-09T16:31:00.000+10:00

Or in a Car I guess..

I'll be leaving to move to Sydney in 4 months and 1 week.

I cant even process how I feel about it..

Besides scared?

And excited.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

2011-07-31T18:16:00.001+10:00

Your pushing me away.

Its a tug of war..

I can't keep fighting with this bullshit.

dear asshole

2011-07-24T20:00:00.001+10:00

BOYFRIEND.

ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE.

Sincerly one annoyed BITCH

Just gotta DO IT

2011-07-24T15:17:00.002+10:00

So I ventured out food shopping today.
I am sad to say its been months since i've done this.

Between spending half my time in sydney and then struggling with the subsequent depression when coming home from sydney.. I kinda suck at oh.. i dont know.. Cooking, shoppping, making my lunch and being a functional human being???

I have to balance between eating stuff I like, and being healthier..

Because really im going to convince myself that coco pops with low fat milk is better than a mcmuffin with hollendase sauce.

So Menu;

Sunday Night: Cranksy with veggies and tatters
Monday Night: Chicken thingy with veggies and maybe potato wedges
Tuesday Night: TAFE
Wednesday Night: Pasta
Thursday Night: Steak, veggies and tatters.

For Breakfast its coco pops all the way.

Lunch will be pasta, ham & cheese toasties, baked beans on toast.

Snacks: Oreo's and Mandarians, Le Snack.

So there you have it.

No its not the most healthy menu..

But its gotta beat my KFC, MACCAS, Hot DAWG & Fries routine.

Start small.

Now i'm off to do the washing up and cook the pasta.
:)

Struggle City

2011-07-22T09:14:00.002+10:00

Right now I am struggling.

Struggling with my depression

Struggling with my motivation

Struggling with my job

Struggling with my weight

I am almost back at my heaviest weight EVER. I have no one to blame but myself. Constantly saying YES YES YES to fatty food, alcohol, combined with no exercise has got me to where I am.

Im not that worried about my health because I know I'm okay, but I am FAT. My belly is HUGE. It wont be long before I end up with new stretch marks because my skin cant cope with how huge I am.

I want to move.
I want to be in Sydney.
I want to ditch the junk food.
Get a Hobby.
Have a job that I actually LOVE.
I want to have more sex.
I want cuddles.
I want to make new friends.

I am just struggling.
I don't know how else to put it.

The weekend is coming up and as usual i'll watch tv and eat.
I wont actually DO anything constructive.

I don't really even like TAFE anymore because its whats holding me back from Moving.

I'm ready.
I'm scared but I'm ready.

I need to get my fat ass back out there.
I need to start walking.
I need to stop with the junk food and binge eating.

No one needs as much cheese as I can eat in a sitting.

I'm ashamed..
And I'm upset...

But Im just not ready to do anything about it.
Its so stupid that I know how to fix my problems but I just cant.

FUCK YOU

2011-07-11T15:23:00.002+10:00

Fuck you for trying to hurt me
Fuck you for thinking your more important than me
Fuck you for pretending to support me
Fuck you for thinking your better than me
Fuck you for trying to make him choose
Fuck you for losing
Fuck you for exisisting
Fuck you for lying
Fuck you for being an entitled bitch with a stick up her fucking ass
Fuck you for being quite happy to ruin my plans, and my time with MY boyfriend
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU

And how dare YOU.
How dare you claim that it is YOUR plaec.
How dare you suggest I not be allowed to be there.
Who the fuck do you think you are?

Where you around, available, or in the picture when he BROUGHT the van?
Did you talk to him the night he picked up the flooring?
What about getting pictures of it once it was finished?
Did you spend Tuesday morning talking about his adventures with his children?
Where you there at the end of every court case to offer your support?
Is there a book that YOU sent to his children that they all read togerther sitting on the book shelf..

The answer to all those questions is NO.
NO NO NO NO NO FUCK NO You weren't.

That place is for his CHILDREN. It was a place he created so he could be CLOSE to them and not have to lug around boxes of toys and books and craft projects.

It will never be anything other than that.
That was its intended purpose and thats the purpose it will always be.

It will never be YOUR place. It will never be MY place.
It is THEIR PLACE.

Get over yourself.

Words

2011-06-05T14:55:00.002+10:00

I lay in the silence of this house.
Uncomfortable and feeling alone.
I wish I could explain how much this loneliness hurts

It breaks my heart when you don't call.
When you don't try hard enough.
But what is enough.

It will never be enough.

There are so many things that I could or should be doing.

But instead I choose none.
I choose to sit in the silence or learn about others who have lives worse than myself so I feel better.
But I just feel numb.
I feel dead.
I feel like I don't exist.

I want to exist and be happy but I don't think I even know how.
I depend on you far too much too be happy.

You are

2011-05-18T09:49:00.002+10:00

Selfish
Narcissistic
Intitled
Arrogant
Miserable
Controlling
Obsessive
Nasty
Cold

When my alarm

2011-05-11T01:08:00.003+10:00

goes off in a few hours im going to regret being awake.

I have school on Tuesdays and its becoming a familar pattern to stay up late because I'm buzzed after all that learning and talking.. and talking.. and for a class we sure watch a lot of you-tube.

I guess thats what marketing is about hey?

And so here I am.

I just ate 10 crackers and a small peiece of very nice cheese.
Not the thing I need at this time in the morning.

But did i mention the pepsi and cigarette?

Some habits of mine will never die.

So its blogging and monopoly milloniares for me..
Because I'm waiting on the angry bird update.

HURRY UP DAMMIT.

I'm in Sydney from Thursday Evening to Monday Morning.

I couldn't BE anymore excited.. well I could but I'd explode.

Long distance relationships are hard.

Long distance poly-amorous relationships with a really busy person are hard.

Life is hard.

Work is hard..

But I guess in the end it will all be worth it...

Well it better be.

There is always something

2011-05-07T17:06:00.002+10:00

Something that prevents us from spending time together
Something that prevents us from talking, communicating, connecting.

When we are together, yes I feel very connected. I feel comfortable, safe, warm and loved.

But I don't get to have that feeling a lot of the time because we are so far apart.

You haven't been talking to me lately. You've been mute on your feelings, and I get that your busy.. and your stressed but there is something thats under there. There is a feeling, a fear.. there has to be.

I've known you for more than three years, I know the shaddow's on your face, the tones in your voice. I can see the tears well, and then see them disappear without falling from your face.

I hear the emotional tone, but I want to know what your feeling because it helps me to connect, it helps me to understand what your going through, what we are going through.

I don't really understand where any of this is coming from in feburary I thought we were headed for a spectacular and emotional finish that would end with a nice friendship. We'd see each other occasionally and probably have sex every now again.

But that is not what happened.
And it has thrown me for a six.

I think of going, 8 or 6 weeks without seeing you and now we can barely go a day.. and are still barely functional on 3.. and I don't understand.
What changed?
How did I go to being part of your life, to being a big part of your heart.

I am still not part of your everyday life, a life that is FULL.
And you still say, that i'll be standing right beside you. In your home, in your life, in your house in your bed. But where will it be, and how will it work.

Do we have an end date?
Are we headed for forever?
Do I really even have a choice anymore.. I see myself loving you until the day I take my last breathe on this earth and that scares the shit out of me.

There are things I want, that I don't know that you want. Things that I don't even think you'd allow yourself to admit to want. But they need to be discussed. If they are 100 % off the table, I need to know now, because I need to plan for a life without you as the person who stands beside me, who loves me unconditionally.

I know what ever happens you will be a love and support to me, as I hope to always be for you.

I'm just so confused.

2011-04-18T00:58:00.003+10:00

I think farts are funny.
Penis jokes amuse me.
I laugh really loudly in funny movies, regardless of what other people think.
I can only sleep soundly on my stomach.
Sometimes I stay up late for no reason.
I love with my whole heart.
I often believe I'm not good enough.
I miss my mum everyday.
I'm really attached to the idea of having a son.

Relationships are HARD

2011-03-24T19:50:00.002+11:00

Yup generally pretty hard from what I've seen/experienced.

But they are EXTRA hard when your in a polyamorous or big love style of relationship.

Nope I'm not married.
Not even in the same state as my boo.
But if all goes well this year I will be by the end of this year.

But I HAVE to know its going to work.

I feel important.
I feel loved.
I feel needed.
I feel wanted.

But it needs to be more.

It needs to be everything.

I'm sooooooooo

2011-03-14T17:07:00.001+11:00

sick of your stupid earth shattering decisions that affect MY LIFE.
This is MY LIFE.
Would it fucking KILL you. To THINK about SOMEONE ELSE for once.

Down

2011-03-13T20:24:00.003+11:00

Day.
Month.
Year...

So far...

What have I learned from my 24 years on this earth?

Not a whole bunch.

I know how to love.
I know what pain is.
I've experienced the cold touch of death.
The deep pits of depression.

I try and take 3 deep breaths every time I feel over whelmed with how my life has turned out so far and sometimes it works. But sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it just keeps hurting. Sometimes the tears fall, the anger boils and then subsides.

And I can be grateful I'm still here, breathing in the air, feeling the warmth of the sun or smelling the grass after the rain.

I'm still here, and thats something right?

Broken

2011-03-08T22:45:00.002+11:00

My heart is broken yet again.
I am surprised yet again.
I am realistic about the future..
Yet again..

I've been on this same roller coaster for so long.

I just want off.

THOUGHTS

2011-02-22T23:07:00.000+11:00

The last week really meant a lot too me.

I felt more than anything we connected so much more than we ever have.

We argued, but neither of us walked away angry or with a sour look on our faces.

Everything was constructive and positive.

I don't know where anything is going right now.
But I know I need you around.

depression

2011-02-06T18:51:00.000+11:00

is such a debilitating illness
it sucks you in
breaks your heart
soul
mind
body

I feel completely numb and broken

Not ready to feel it

2011-02-05T20:58:00.002+11:00

My friend died.
My friend died under "questionable circumstances"
I know the truth. So many others do not.
I feel overwhelmed with guilt and grief.

And I am just not ready to feel it.
I'm just not ready to deal with it.
I can't process it.

So I will write to him instead.

" I am past the point of anger and disappointment. All I feel is numb. I have given you every opportunity to be honest and tell the truth. So many chances to take a get out of jail free card and just get the fuck out of my life. But you never take them. You never leave me in peace.
I love that you lie to my face, despite that fact that you don't have to. I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not hear to judge you... infact up until recently it was the last thing I ever did.
Everything is always my fault. I always say the wrong things, I do the wrong things.
I ask the wrong questions, or I answer the wrong questions.
Do you do it to me coz you can?
Because its easier?
Because I fight back?
I am defeated. I am broken. So much of this is your fault.
Sometimes I say to myself you knew what this was like before you chose to enter into it, but the fact of the matter is.. I didn't. I didn't know the truth. I was lied to. I did not have all the facts, and therefore could not and did not make informed decisions.
I am so curious to see how the rest of this all plays out. You really hurt me yesterday. I know you were lying, it hear it in your voice. I feel it. I feel every single one of your lies.
And I just wonder, if you know you can pretty much get away with murder.. lets be honest because you do. Why do you continue to lie? I'd think so much more of you if you were just honest.
I like you when your drunk. Not spastic, abusive drunk.

But just happy and honest drunk. You questioned why I couldn't continue things with you.. but then said "You give your all to everything you do.. your work life, in a relationship 100 % you give" You answered your own question. I give me all too something. I deserve it back. The amount of times you've said to me, "I know you deserve better, but that doesn't change how I feel about you." Really? I MEAN REALLY????

I love that H is so manipulated by you, that she believes your lies. Part of that is so delusional... and W.. Don't even get me started on her. She might think I'm crazy but if she lasts 2 more years she'll be ready for the nut house too...

I understand and respect where they are both coming from.. But if they choose to waste. Yes WASTE their best years.... Late 20's early 30's both successful careers, both financially secure. I'm sure they have a lot more going for themselves... If they want to waste that time on you. Good for them. Risk giving up children for you. Good for them.

No matter what I say to you, how emotionally manipulated I let myself get with you.
I will never ever be in that situation. I hurt because you sadly.. literally I snicker with disappointment and sadness to say this.. but your my first boy love.. and so whatever you do, whatever happens this situation is going to hurt me. Its going to define me in a lot of ways.
But if I wake up in 2 or 3 years and I've just escaped you. I still wont be in the situation they are in now.

No matter what you say or do, any empty promises you make.
I will NEVER move to be with you. I would never give up what I have for you.
Not even if you were capable of change. Your just not worth it.

Today I saw the love of a YOUNG family. . I want that.I want a partner who respects me, who is honest and kind. Someone who has love through their heart. I want someone who although things might get hard. Wont run, hide or lie their way through it instead of being honest.
I want to wake everyday to the sound of my children's voices. That is something I would never have with you. Something I know I want. Something YOU and all YOU offer which is basically nothing anymore.

I picked up my phone just now.. went to write something to you. But put it back down. I no longer have anything to say to you. It wont affect you, wont bother you.
I know how to hurt you. I know how to break you, But its just not worth it anymore..

I could tell you what they said to me about you. That they just didn't care.. if I was what pushed you over the edge and made you quit. They weren't bothered. THAT would bother you.
THAT would hurt you. But I like having a secret for myself.

I don't care

2011-01-27T10:34:00.001+11:00

WHAT I SAID
WHAT I DID
HOW I ACTED

I DID NOT DESERVE THIS!

Get a hobby

2011-01-25T17:58:00.000+11:00

Fill your time.
You'll be busy.

IF it was that easy.. which it's not..
I would have done it a LONG time ago..

But I have to see the writting on the wall.

This is the end..
I know it is.

I just wasn't ready for it yet.

I can say

2011-01-23T22:57:00.001+11:00

That it doesn't hurt.
But I'm lying.

Of course it hurts knowing the whole way you drove up to see me you were thinking about trying to swing your way back to someone else.

That you drove straight from my arms, the company of my family and friends to someone else.

That your ashamed of me, and would never include me as part of your life like you do with the others.

That you lie, scheme and change plans.

That you try and make me feel special when all your really doing is hurting me.

I'm at the point where I am numb again.

Broken, and defeated.

he just

2011-01-16T19:02:00.002+11:00

doesn't care.
If he did.. He would have rang.
If he did.. He would have been there.
If he did.. He would not have ignored so many calls.
If he did.. He wouldn't have said "You can stop trying"
If he did.. He wouldn't be so pre-occupied.
If he did.. He wouldn't use you at work.;
If he did.. He would have booked a flight back on wednesday
If he did..
If he did..

I'm sick of all those if's.

I'm sick of being alone.

I hate this.

I don't know why

2011-01-09T23:31:00.003+11:00

I feel so down..

Maybe it's the fact that my herp.es have flared up again.
I am in a very large amount of pain..
Right now I am over dosing on lysine which is meant to help with flare ups.
Normally it works when I start to have a break out in my area of choice....
My butt for those of you who are wondering. Yes I considered myself one of the lucky ones who was having mild breakouts on a non private place on my butt....
But no I'm not that lucky...
Some recent sexual activity I believe has flared up in my original point of impact.. my v-jay jay..
With HSV or specifically my type which is the oral type... but in the genital region.. Not all symptoms present the same. Some people get blisters, and itching.. tingling..

I don't. I get burning and swelling, shooting sharp pain and sort of like little cuts as you would have it.It hurts to walk, move and pee.
Because I'm not a doctor and I don't expect my bits on a daily basis its really hard for me to say if thats exactly all my symptoms.

I'm upset. I'm so upset. I can't even explain. Every time I think about it. I get so angry at myself. I get angry at him as well, it was a stupid moment of weakness.. I even know WHEN it was.. It was the last day we were together, he had just cleared up from his HSV that he got from stress/being in the cold and I let him near my v-jay jay.. How could I be that fucking stupid. How could I risk it without thinking.
How could I be the girl who has sex with one dude(who's had sex with a lot of women... and by a lot a mean A LOT.) and get this infection from a completely healed cold sore.

I'm going to give this a day or so to see if my symptoms subside and then go back to the doctors. Right now it looks as though i'm headed down the path of suppression therapy to keep this asshole at bay. This is my 5th or 6th outbreak since August.. all except the 1st have been very minor. But I can't do this too myself.
It will be expensive and you can develop a dependency but I can't deal with it.

I cant

2011-01-08T00:19:00.003+11:00

fight what I feel for you anymore.
I've been able to block it and sensor it..
But now its just there.
Now the urge to just BE with you is their.
Logically I know its not EVER going to be possible.
I am here and you are there...
I know my lack of life experience is a problem..
I know I have a real future where I am now with a lot of endless possibilities...
I know the fact that your turning 41 in a few days and I'm turning 24 in a few weeks..
I know that we are both damaged and very broken in some ways...

But I also know I want to be with you.
I want the chance to kiss you goodnight ~~every~~ most nights..
I want to say goodbye and have a good day knowing I'll see you in a few hours.. Not a few days. I want to not cry every time I see one of us drive away.

There are so many things I don't know.
But there is so much I have and so much MORE I could learn from you.

I know in the now that we'd be good..
Forever not so much.. but I'm sitting on my chance of being endlessly happy.
NOW.

I don't make resoultions...

2011-01-04T09:27:00.003+11:00

but...

This year my life is in need of a major over haul..

The last 6 months I've slipped back into compliancy and forgotten how much drive, determination and self belief can do for ones self esteem.

Health/Well being
- Lose 21 kilos- Right now I weigh in at about 86 which is 2 kilos less than this time last year. I managed to get down to 78.9 and then right back up again over the last 6 months. I am determinetd to do this I don't care if it takes me the whole year I will get to my goal of 65 kilos. Anything under 69.9 kilos will be good, but 65 is the goal.

- Quit Smoking- Last year I quit successfully for 6 months, I saved quite a bit of money and was generally a lot healthier. I am on day 11, I think of champix. My quit date is tomorrow :)

- Learn to love exercise- I had this down pat! But lost focus of my goals, if I can make time to watch every TV show I love, then I can make time to exercise. Goal is to burn minimum 2000 calories per week for all of this year, with the exception of long holidays

- Go to the dentist- Its been years....I really need to get onto that

Education

-Complete Marking diploma- Not just complete, but SMASH IT! Get outstanding results, ask for help if you need it. Take time on weekends to read my course work and complete assignments on time and too a HIGH standard. Believe that I can do this.

Money/Finances

-Pay down some of my debt- There is a lot of it.. I wont lie.. but I will GET THERE..

-Try and put away 200 per month. Yes this is negotiatble, based on my situation

Lifestyle

-Take a real holiday- If its going to my brothers wedding, or its going somewhere else, take a reasonable holiday and experience new things.

-Laugh more- Don't take life so seriously, remember to enjoy the simple things.

-Be less synical and more supportive- BIG one for me. Be a good friend, daughter and companion.

I'm sure i'll have more eventually but this is it for now!!

TMI-Spotting sucks ass

2010-12-08T21:15:00.002+11:00

This post is yucky but no one reads my blog so it doesn't matter.

I started back on the pill several months ago, helped with pain and I was skipping the occasional period. In August I had a shit fit and stopped taking it.
I then had unprotected sex. I experienced a range of symptoms which I wont go into. I was sick with worry about the whole thing. I made a bad call. After several negative tests at 8 days late I went to the doctors.
His official diagnosis "Not pregnant" but with a beta of 4.
Within hours I was bleeding and it was all good.

Since then(October) I've skipped 2 Periods but about 2 weeks ago I started spotting and I haven't stopped since.
It's yucky and annoying and I am dying to bleeeeeeeed so that It can just be over with. I assume its stress or a hormonal thing, not sure but I want it done.

I feel better now :)

It was weird

2010-12-08T20:40:00.002+11:00

To talk to you yesterday and have everything be so normal.
I struggle,daily with immense anger and self loathing because of what we have..
What is that again?

You've been through this before.. I get that..

You want to give me what I want?
I don't get that. I don't see that. I don't feel it.
I know you THINK you want me to run off into the sunset and be happy.. but you'd be just as happy if I spent the next 5 years pining over you.. because lets face it.. I'd wake up and still only be 29 years old if that happened.
That puts things into perspective for me.

Not that i'll do that but ya know.

When your guilty.. like ya know of getting me and H to meet under false circumstances.. you keep quite.. you don't speak up and admit what you did was wrong. You never do. You say the most obvious things too try and distract me and make "us" more believable..

Like telling me that both H and W can be bad in bed..
Really? I'm meant to believe thats the truth??
I don't sadly.. I don't think I ever could.. Yeah I've seen H in action and she's a bit rough but she goes alright in my opinion.. I spose I'm not the one with the dick!

When W moves in with you.(Because IT IS going to happen) Things between us will end. Work relationship, Personal relationship. Everything.
"To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human."

Yes I believe that. Yes I believe that right now I'm not strong enough to give up our..
Work relationship
Personal relationship
Sexual relationship
Deep friendship.

I do believe they all exisit but I believe I'll have the strength to leave them all behind in a few months. That's something you'll never get.
That you swore it would never happen. Then you swore you didn't want it to happen. Then you swore it was just to get H to back off. I don't believe that. I can't believe it and I wont.

W will move in a few months, things will be fine at first.. briefly (not that i'll still be around) but they will. Then she'll cook for you. Clean for you. Do your washing. Weekends will begin to be filled with group activies. Parties. You'll become happier because hey aren't we all happier when someone loves us unconditionally and will put up with our bullshit (and cook us dinner)She'll try to throw around titles and make you commit but in your head it wont be that way.. Unless you can change who you are (which is doubtful)

You'll lose H eventually after I am gone because she'll realies If i'm strong, she can be do. But you'll still have W and maybe by then she'll be comfortable with meeting the kids, and you'll be strong enough to go back to court AGAIN. You'll fight and maybe win in the short term.

I say all of this with a slight sadness in my heart...
But just with the resounding peace that although I have no control.

I have

2010-12-06T20:26:00.001+11:00

Lost complete faith in you and everything you stand for.
I no longer believe anything you say.
As far as i'm concerend.
You are a LIAR.
You are a thief
You are full of shit.
You are SELFISH for not letting me go.
I will never forgive you.
Never trust you.
Never love you.
Infact I hate you.
Please GO BACK to where ever the fuck you came from and just leave me alone.
Lying
Sack of worthless POO

You

2010-12-05T22:19:00.001+11:00

disappoint me time and time again..
Oh your little call this afternoon..
It was so fucking sincere.
24 hours after I called you.
Really?
Because you needed to mow your fucking lawn???

How stupid do you think I am?

Well clearly how stupid am I for putting up with your bullshit for so long...

I slept 90 % of today and I am still exhausted.
I am in a dark place and you couldn't care less.

GO AWAY>>>><<<

DISAPEAR<<<<<>>>>

FUCK OFF<<<<>>>>>

I FUCKING HATE YOU

Mum

2010-12-05T00:06:00.001+11:00

I miss you
And too me it only feels like yesterday.
But the time is going more quickly everyday..
The weeks seem to fade into each other.
But I still miss you.
I still think of you.
I still wish things were different.

I hope you are proud of me.
I hope I can make you more proud of me in the years to come.

I love you

Blackmail

2010-12-02T19:40:00.002+11:00

So I lost it..
as I knew I very well would.
It was alright for him to hang up on me.. but apparently when I hung up on him while he was just trying to work.. that was just terrible..
And then so I started threatening.. and he started plotting..
I wasn't serious with any of my plans.. to reveal how horrible.. he can be... not to say he is.. or isn't... its complicated.. Is he some devil person? I don't think so
Its so fucked up really its more than fucked up.
So he's lost it.. completely mental, i've lost it.. i've sent him like 60 text messages that had nothing in them. I finally get a call from his other phone, say he's done.. taking leave.. filing a harassment claim and calling the cops..
Really?
REALLY????
I finally kinda stop but he's still going off..
and then he calls
MY DAD.
He fucking rang my dad at 10 o clock at night..
Yeh this week was a bad one for me.. with mum and the emotional fucked-up ness of it all.. but really??? was that necessary??
Probably because it calmed me down to the point where I could see that making threats against someone who's been in that position before..
Not so much a great idea!

In retrospect not a great idea.. I mean he may have lost it anyway.. but it wasn't a smart move..
But I just hate that he has all the control. I want some control. I want to be able to decide that this is done... because emotionally I can't take it!!! and because i deserve better.. fark..

So after hanging up on me 15 times he finally takes a number of calls.. just yells at me really.. because he's still honestly thinking that i'm out to destroy him.

Did I want to upset him?
FUCK yes!
But would I try and get him sacked by telling sordid details of our time together.
Um no.

I don't know what happened after this.. it was a complete haze of an hour long conversation that I cannot for the life of me remember.
There was yelling, and calm, and emotion, and kind words, and harsh words...
This was all mostly from him because at this point im still in complete absoulte shock.

The phone got hung up again after a small rant about me not being able to keep my mouth shut.
Yes I have problems with filtering what kind of information to share with people.. BUT he has the opposite problem, sometimes he just doesn't tell the truth.
And I don't know why.. its not like I don't know the truth.
I've had it thrown in my face.

He can't forgive me for things that I've shared.. and I can't forgive him for things that he's said and done..
So where does this leave us??

He hung up.. I sent a text saying I wouldn't "personally" contact him again until he contacted me. I woke up not knowing what was going to happen. I got up.. put on a smile and went to work and pretended everything was fine.

I'm dying.. literally dying inside because I'm so torn.
It hurts.. it all just hurts so much.

I can't ignore or stop helping him.
I can't move on while he's around.
I can't do anything.. I feel like im backed into a corner and like this is some form of blackmail.

Yes i've done some shitty things with my threats, and telling people personally information that was not 100 % true.. but really all i've done for as long as I can remember is love this dude who's only recently just started loving me back.. But is it really love if he wont just let me go and move on???

It's not fair.. I want to move on... I want to find someone, settle and be happy and I can't do that with this situation hanging over my head....

And he doesn't get it.. He just doesn't understand how hard it is.
So now I'm off side.. Now he probably wont talk to me.. Now he probably will just call em and use me for his own benefit for work.. and
THATS NOT OKAY WITH ME.
THATS NOT OKAY WITH ANYONE>>>><<<<<

What do I do??
Do I leave work?
Quit a job.. I kinda love that is filled with opportunities for me to exceed expectations of myself...

It's raining.. its rained so much this year..
which is so surprising because I've got no rain (tears) left..
I've just got nothing left anymore..

I've got nothing left to give to him or anyone else.
I am defeated and rubbished.
I don't feel like I'll ever be the person I am capable of being if I have to spend the next however long ~~loving~~ him..

Stupid Stupid STUPID girl.

Broken

2010-12-01T15:11:00.002+11:00

I can't believe I let this go on for so long.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Discussed even.

How did I allow him to treat me this way.
When I knew the circumstances..
I knew what was right and wrong..
What was in my best interests and..
WHAT WASN'T.

I am defeated.

The past 3 years have been a complete waste.
The past 6 months a complete bust.

I have nothing.
I don't even have a friendship...
Could there have been one?
Could something else have been done.

No I suppose not.. it is what it is..

Maybe you were right about heti.. I think partly that could be true.
She might say she wont dwell and has every intention of moving on..
But she still cares that your upset at her..
No one who's been through what she has would ever in there right mind care about that.
Nope its just not likely.

But unfortunately we are all a bit delusional..
But last night was the last straw.
When he hung up on me.. for the first time..
That was the last time.
There was no coming down.
No calming down.
Nothing left to salvage.

He did this.
I didn't do it.
I wasn't perfect.. I was sometimes harsh and unreasonable...
But I'm a good person. Who offered nothing but love and respect...
and I got sweet FUCK all in return.

Again I'm so disapointed in myself for being so wrapped up in this for so long.
I've compeltely lost track of me and my goals for the year..
I put on a lot of the weight I lost while he wasn't around.
I destroyed all the things I worked so hard for.

I can't do that anymore.. I need to be about me.

When I deleted and blocked his number..
Ignored all those phone calls.. even deleted that message.. hey it was an accident but everything happens for a reason.. when I did that.. It was something else hey....
I felt so strong and powerful....
But now I just feel weak... broken and confused.

What will I be now?
Who am I?
Will this define the rest of my life?
Or will it just be something that eventually fades and becomes forgetfull.

I spent only 19 days in his presence so this SUCKS that i'm so badly affected..
But I just am.

I was in love with him..
I still am.. in love with the good parts of him that are just so few and far between.

It feels better to get this out...
I don't know or care about who reads this..
This is for me...

As my life should be..

I know that this will forever be a huge part of who I am.
The first man who ever had my heart.
The first one I ever slept with.

Right now its just all so much..
I want to fade into nothing-ness so bad and just disapear.

Plan is to keep my head above water for the next few weeks..
Somber christmas and live the good life with my friends over new years..

I need to cry..
But right now is not the time or the place..
and if I start..
I don't think I'll stop...

I keep forgetting this is real life..
and not just the internet..
WE WORK TOGERTHER

Even IF I CAN get OVER HIM grrr He'll more than likely be here in just over 2 months.
Fucking shattered...

2010-08-09T16:40:00.003+10:00

I am so ridiculously pissed at you.
Your not meant to love me.
Or want me..
Or case about me.
Thats not how it was meant to work.
I was meant to pine after you until I realised I deserved better and then I was meant to move on...
and we were meant to be friends..

But you do love me..
I see it when you look at me..
When you hold me..
When you kiss me..
And I hate it..

I hate that you put the thought of us being "togerther" in my head...
I hate that you refer to us as US becasue it was never meant to be this way.
I was never meant to think of it as a possibility... Because with those thoughts resounding in my head.. I can't think.. I can't breathe...my thoughts are scattered and my heart hurts.
My heart hurts for everything I know i'll never really have...
But just with it being a small possiblity.. it takes my breath away...
and it wasn't meant to..
you weren't meant to say anything...
You were just meant for it to be cruisey.

It was us.

2010-05-19T20:43:00.002+10:00

And you gave him away, without a second thought.

Mockingbird

2010-05-17T16:35:00.000+10:00

here we stand
somewhere in between this moment and the end
will we bend?
or will we open up and take this whole thing in?
everybody else is smiling and their smiles dont fade
and you dont even wonder why you just dont think that way
maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move
or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough,
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love

Take my hand
and I will lead you through the broken promise land
yes I can, ah yes I can
I can be there when you need it, i'll give it all till you can't feel it anymore
I don't wanna love you now, if you'll just leave someday
I don't wanna turn around, if you'll just walk away
maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move
or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough,
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love

maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move
or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough,
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love

maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love

I've seen

2010-05-14T23:09:00.002+10:00

Some terrible thing.
I watched my mum die and felt the warmth drain out of her body.
I saw my dad battle cancer and go through more than any person should have to.
But why does this.
This stupid love hurt so much.
Why does it make my stomach ache, my heart stop and my head hurt.
I want to scream so loudly that i'm heard on the other side of this earth.
This couldn't be anymore real to me. It couldn't make less sense.
This couldn't be it.. because if it was.
Fuck wouldn't it be over yet.

Changes

2010-05-07T23:05:00.002+10:00

First I wanted to be skinny.. Now I just wanted to be healthy..
First I wanted to find love... But it found me
First I wanted to find something I was great at... It was already in me.

I guess I don't come here that often anymore..
Why?

Because I'm not the girl who started this blog anymore.
I am happier, healthier, more grounded, more sain, less insecure, more kind, more giving, less thoughtless...

I'm just me..
I'm all the things that I hid from for so long because I was afraid.
I am not afraid anymore.

Are you

2010-03-29T19:12:00.000+11:00

Jealous?
Yup.
Do you hate it?
Yup

It's been so long

2010-03-22T23:05:00.003+11:00

Since I've written about.. Him.
Yeah that guy. The one who broke my heart.
But has my heart all at the same time.
It's complicated..
Isn't it always complicated?
I wish that it wasn't.
But it is.
Love is.
It is what it is...

Will it end like a Disney movie?
Or one of those films where the plane crashes and only one person survives.

Execution...

2010-03-18T21:58:00.002+11:00

For the last week or so I have been having terrible dreams.
I wake, not feeling like I've slept at all.
Normally they are random, but so intense they consistently wake me up at all hours of the night.
Last night I had a dream that I witnessed an execution.
It was graphic, and scary.. and it left me feeling funny inside.
I was in such a hurry to get away that I took a lift with a weird looking strange guy who I eventually got a cigarette off (I quit) and then kissed him.

And so what do you do when something happens, and you want to sus out the meaning.
You google.

This is what I found

"To dream of seeing an execution, signifies that you will suffer some misfortune from the carelessness of others"

OH REALLY.
Currently I am driving my friends un-insured car because my car had an unfortunate accident with a gutter after a storm, because of some mud.

I am praying that I do not dream tonight.

Back to blogging

2010-03-17T08:53:00.002+11:00

So I'm back.
It's been 2 and a half months since my last post!
From the girl who used to update 4 times a day that is a serious change right there.
So how has everyone been?
How have I been?
Great really.
I stopped blogging on here, because I started on my weight loss journey and was using the blog on that site. I felt like I was being pulled a bit in a different direction, suddenly all my thoughts weren't being pulled here..
They were being pulled towards people in the same boat as me.
I'm proud to say I've stepped out of the category of
MORBID OBESITY..
God its scary I was ever there..
I've lost 14.8 kilos or 32.5 pounds in just over 5 months.
I am insanely proud of my efforts, I exercise 5-7 times a week.. I restrict my calories and am generally so much healthier.
My mind set changed a lot I've stopped hating on myself so much.
I can look in the mirrow now and show a sense of pride I haven't seen in myself for years... Quite possibly I haven't really even seen all I have to offer yet.

Work is driving me crazy at the moment, I've been working on a huge project for 6 months now and it seems to not be going anywhere really. It's very draining and I am sure you can all relate.

So much has happened..to me and to everyone else..
I've been in the blogging community for more than a year now.. Its amazing to see how far everyone has gone.

Okay I'm getting a bit soppy..
I'm back.
I will be back more.

So long 2009!!!

2010-01-01T15:47:00.002+11:00

I've seen a lot of bloggers doing a review of 2009.
For some, that may be good. To reflect.. but for me..
Someone who has spent the last 22 years of her life living in the past..
Not so much.

I have changed a lot this year.
So much so that I wake up someday's.. and I can't really recognize myself.
But I have grown and I will continue to grow through out my life.

I have learnt some tough lessons, felt some heart ache, but overall have seen a lot of joy. I have become more happy and well grounded than ever before.

So I say farewell 2009 you treated me poorly at times, but for the last few months at least you have helped me see the light in some ways.. and I have become a much better person...

BRING ON 2010!!

Hellllo Ladies

2009-11-09T12:42:00.003+11:00

And gents.. but I dont think there are many of you around.
How are you?
Are you good?
I hope you are!

I am swell...
Still on my healthy eating plan.
7.6 Kilos or 16.72 Pounds lost in 5 weeks.
I had a slow week this week because I was bloated as hell, retaining water.
I managed to drop 6 hundred grams since last mondays weigh in.. but i'd actually lost 1.2 kilos or 2.64 pounds in like 2 days.
I am assuming (or hoping) that I'll have some more come off in the next few days.
I've been drinking 4 litres of water a day and my body was just holding onto it.

I hav been pretty good with my exercise cals, trying to get atleast 300ish a day.
I am doing a body balance class tomorrow, and a body pump class on thursday.

Apart from the weight loss, my mindset has significantly changed.
I am thinking ahead, planning meals.. being excited about eating good food.
I am still 42 days into quitting smoking which is also awesome, I feel so much better about it.
My speed and fitness has improved and I am PROUD to say.. that through out the last 5 weeks I have not had a binge day, where I stopped counting calories and just ate whatever I wanted.

So I currently weigh 89.6 kg or 197 pounds.
Which is still a lot dont get me wrong.
My next goal is 74 kilos or 162 pounds
Then onto 66 kilos or 145 pounds
and my final.. pie in the sky I really wanna get there..... DREAM is
60 kilos or 132 pounds!

I must admit despite feeling a little lonely at times.
I have had a fantastic weekend, and in general I am feeling on top of the world!

Hope everyone is as pumped about life as me!!

xx

Insomnia my old friend

2009-11-03T01:10:00.003+11:00

For the last week? or more.. I haven't been able to sleep.
Its not like I want to be awake.. I just can't sleep.
At the moment its 1am and i've been awake since 8 normally i'd be dying right now.
I was so desperate last night that I randomly starting txting people because I knew it would get me thinking..
It took more than 2 hours for me to get to sleep.
But I forgot to switch my alarm off (day off) and I woke up at 6am
haha funny.. or not.
I weighed in this morning, officially has been 4 weeks since I started my weight loss journey.

6.9 kilos or 15 pounds.
I have really picked up on my exercise routine.
I walked 5k's today in an hour..
Last month I could barely walk 2 kms in an hour.
So I am making some very good progress.
The site that I am on has all sorts of cool features where you can log your exercise and calories for the day.
There are also forums, and I am part of a group with a bunch of women.. Very motivating.

At the moment not much else is going on.
I ditched what's his face again.
He is not a positive influence on my life..
He is so fucked up.

Nothing much else to say..
Cup day tomorrow..
Our city gets the day off work for a horse race..
I've always thought that was stupid..
Yet so awesome..

My thoughts and prayers at the moment are with the beautiful Bella, and Alyssa.
I do read all of your posts.
Love you both to bits

Right on track

2009-10-25T13:10:00.002+11:00

So where have I been?
Defiantly still here, I am still constantly checking your blogs for updates.
I don't comment as often.. I think we all go through stages where we don't comment.

So what I am doing?

Well I am still on my mega huge task of a weight loss journey.

I've lost 5 kilos or 11 pounds in 3 weeks.
Not a bad effort.. I haven't been good with my exercise this week, so I had a little peak of a couple hundred grams.
Official weigh in is tomorrow.

A loss is a loss right?

I am trying to get my exercise on track, I've been really bad with it because of how busy work has been....

But I am in this for the long haul.
My aim is to reach my goal by 1st May next year.
Originally I had this very crazy goal, and then I realized I was setting myself up for failure!
Ummm i'll pass on that thanks haha.

I wish I had something interesting to say but I just don't.
My new healthy life style has pretty much consumed my life..
I am finally focusing on fixing my body from in the inside too the outside.

Off to write my shopping list and then head out to get it done!

Sending you all lots of love.

ob⋅ses⋅sion

2009-10-19T22:04:00.001+11:00

–noun
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2. the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3. the state of being obsessed.
4. the act of obsessing.

Extreme's

2009-10-16T23:32:00.001+11:00

Sometimes you still bug me.
Really bug me.
Sometimes I just love you.
Like when you spend an hour and a half telling me stories that haven't come out of your lips for years, then after a 15 hour day you sit in the drive way.. starving and exhausted because you don't want to hang up.

But sometimes I hate you..
I hate that you sometimes don't say thank you.
I hate that your so wrapped up in your own mind.
I hate that you say that you are there for me..
But are you??

Sometimes I wish I could just cut you a break..
Sometimes I wish I could just cut you up..

I wish that I could trust you.
Completely trust you.
But I really can't...
And I never will..

No amount of small sweet gestures no matter how much they make my heart melt will change that.

I just can't trust you..
And without the trust.
What do we have??

Oh yeah there's that thing called love.
Dammit!!!!

When stupid things you read upset you.

2009-10-15T11:45:00.003+11:00

This post may be a sensitive subject for those who suffer from infertility.
Just a warning.

For some reason at the doctor yesterday I picked up a health magazine.
I always believe in being my own medical advocate.
With someone who has had so many different types of cancer in her family, I just feel like I have to be cautious.

Thats why when AF started being weird, and giving me gut renching pain I went off to get it checked.
Results showed nothing, zip,zero, nadda, not a damn thing.

I can't say I wasn't relieved.
I am 22, with all the stupid things I worry about that upset me..
I can't even imagine how upset I'd be if I found out I had something going.

So anyway..
Back to the article...

It was basically a stupid little thing that said;

On average when will your fertility start to decline

I was like, well it doesn't factor in ALOT of things.
Its a stupid average calculator that doesn't take conditions that might affect ones fertility into account.
But me being me I did the sums in my head.

These are the questions;

When did your mother go through menopause?

SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT.

37-39.

DEDUCT 10 YEARS!!!!

27.
Oh yeah, thanks for that.

Deduct 2 years if you are a smoker.

Well technically i'm NOT but I WAS a heavy smoker.

That was when I stopped reading.

25.

TWENTY FUCKING FIVE.

FUCK OFF.

I know this stupid calculator has no real bearing on my fertility.
But it really got me thinking.
Now I am fine, in 5 years.
Will I be?

I know there is nothing I can do.
There is a huge correlation between mothers and daughters and the onset of menopause.
My mum strongly believed that her breast cancer was caused by the hormone fluctuations she had during very early menopause.

But then I look at my aunty(my mums half sister) who didn't go through menopause til she was in her early to mid 50's.

My grandmother had children late in life also.

AHhhhhhhh.

This stupid article has bothered me to no end.

What bugs me more is that if I asked someone.. IE a doctor.. they'd think I was stupid...

Am I stupid?
Am I stupid for even thinking about this?

Change

2009-10-14T10:32:00.003+11:00

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.

We all have conversations with ourself, conversations that are endless.
I will do this.
I won't do that.
I promise I'll finish that.

Quite often The conversations are quite meaningless and don't have a HUGE impact on the overall outcome of our life.

About a month ago I had a conversation with myself.
We had a serious.
I said self, You've gotta make some changes.. and now is the time.

I had plotted changes before, but usally the point was to mask another problem I was experiencing.

As I started to come out my depression I realised all the conversations I had with myself, all the limitations I put onto making some big changes in my life had started to fade.
My period of self sabotage was over. I no longer could make excuses.

So I went to the doctor and I said "hey give me that drug to help to me quit smoking, I think I am ready"
I was scared, as you always are with any great change you make in your life.
And so it began, with those simple words.. I began a change that will affect the rest of my life. For the better.

Then on Sunday the 4th of October 2009 I made another choice.
I made the choice to stop saying yes to myself.
I made the choice to change my lifestyle.
REALLY change my lifestyle.
To make a goal of getting to a healthy weight and preferably STAYING there.

I will admit that I HATE saying no to myself.. such evidence of this is the brand new digital camera sitting in my room at home.. I didn't need it.. but I wanted it.

Over the past 10 days I've adjusted my eating patterns.
Cut my calories, increased my water intake, started exercising.
I can exercise now, ya know I don't get puffed out going up stairs.

And I have lost
4.2 kilos or 9.2 pounds.

I feel a sense of accomplishment when I go for a walk, or park my car further away from where I need to be, when I down something that doesn't contain 1000 calories.
When I feel full not from stuffing my face, but from hearing people say "Wow I am really proud of you"

Has it been easy?
No.

Have I cheated?
Yes.

Do I have a long way to go?
Yes.

But it's a start.
It's the beginning,but its also the end....
It's the end of me hating myself for hurting my body.
So far.. this thing hasn't treated me too badly..
So I need to stop punishing it, and punishing myself.
I will channel the pain I may feel into something else other than food.

Reality

2009-10-11T14:29:00.002+11:00

My journey to a healthier me started this week.
I "had" been doing reasonably well until last night when I went "out" for a friends birthday.. of course I was able to rationalize calories too myself at 1am in the morning. Of course I was going to throw away all the hard work I'd put in that week.

That's exactly what I did.

I regretted it this morning when I saw a 700 gram increase on the scales.
Fuck.

I've actually made myself sick to the point where I've eaten under 200 calories and I am not hungry at all.
I am sitting here in a spin trying to plan out my menu for the week and as soon as I see anything over 300 calories for a meal I start shitting myself.
That's not even a lot compared to how much I am allowed to eat for the day.

I randomly went and purchased myself a new digital camera.
I came home, waited til I was alone and hit the button on the self timer.

What I saw, discussed me to the point of almost vomiting.
I can NOT believe I LET myself do this.
It's a joke.

Up until recently I had not been able to see the kilos on my frame.
The 20 kg or 44 pounds I had put on didn't seem to show up threw my eyes.

But seeing those pictures.
I know that THEY ARE THERE.
That I am the only one who can fix what I've done to myself.

I've got no choice.
I am a heart attack, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetic mess waiting to happen.

I used to think my dad was a prick for being like
"hey your getting so fat"
But umm
I am..
And I severely endangering my health in the process.

ahhh its such a head spin seeing how far I have ahead of me.

But I've gotta do this, and I've gotta do it now.
With everyday that passes me by my chances of getting this weight off and KEEPING it off are becoming slim.
I know I need to change my life style for good.

On the upside,I've lost about 2 kilos for the week so far.
I will weigh in tomorrow because I didn't start properly until monday.

As far as the quitting smoking, well i've cheated.. 3 times.. but I never actually finish a cigarette because they make me feel sick.. haha..
The first 2 weeks are the hardest.
SO I am REALLY proud of myself for getting this far.

Dear Cigarettes

2009-10-05T19:53:00.002+11:00

HA
I did it, one week and I only cheated
ONCE.
ONCE.
ONCE.

And I got no satisfaction from it at all.
Oh the joy, the joy of knowing I am stronger than this addiction!
boo at you for holding onto my health and my money for so long.

In other news..
I didn't work today, or I did work but I didn't work hard.
It was one of those days where I was SICK of working hard.
SICK of achieving things and then not getting any credit for it.
So I didn't do much, it was kinda like.. a mini holiday.

I am on a health kick, yes I know its overdue and If I'd shut my mouth and stuck too it last time, I wouldn't be this big to begin with but oh well.

Let me start by saying..
I walked 1 hour yesterday to the shops and back I haven't done this in YEARS.
I made my lunch today.
I made my dinner today.
I tracked my calorie intake today (just over 1500)
I walked for 30 minutes today.
I organized to rent a tread mill.
And I've had more than 3 lt of water today! I think this is also a first.

So positive, positive changes, positive attitude, positive goals.

GO GO GO

Hello Day Four

2009-10-02T07:47:00.002+10:00

I hope you are better than day 3.
Because he was an asshole.
I sincerly doubt it though.
My teary-ness has started to kick in.
I really didn't believe that the champix could affect me this badly.
But it is.
I am exhausted all the time.
I am moody.
I am teary.
I am sad.
I am un motivated.

I am unfortunatly slipping back into a depression.

Because I am a realist, I am very surprised that I was not ready for this.
I read the warnings, checked the formus, the news articles.
But I didn't think that it would hit me like this.
NOT AT ALL.

I am determined to stick with it?
Why?

Because its short term.
If I can stay on the medication for the next 9 and a half weeks, I know my chances of kicking the smoking habit are so much stronger.
I've been able to talk myself out of asking someone for a smoke, buying a packet, or picking a butt off the street.. just kidding with that one.

I know that smoking will not make me feel better, its the joy from a cigarette that I am missing. The medication is taking that.
I am still shocked its taken ALL my joy though.

For now, I will do what I can.

Breath and reeboot.
Listen to happy songs.
Sleep when I feel like I need it.
Not beat myself up about something I can't control.

Made it

2009-09-30T19:44:00.000+10:00

Through the day without a smoke again.
It feels WEIRD>>>
Good weird though.
I am so tired, I don't know if its the combination of the upper (lexapro) and the possible downer (champix) but I am exhausted.
I was so distracted today I ran a red light...
Eeeep not good.
I will be asleep before I know it!

1 day down

2009-09-29T18:42:00.002+10:00

The rest of my life to go.
I did it, first day.. hardest day?? down.
I've quit smoking before, half hardly.. been on the patches for a few weeks..... or the gum and then the second someone gave me a reason to smoke.
I would.
I would go and buy a pack and just light up.
And then again..
And before I knew it.
I was on a bad day..
A PACK A DAY SMOKER.
I am not going to be one of those people who EVER puts shit onto people who smoke.
Everyone is intitled to make there own choices, but for me..
Enough was enough.
Waking up with the sore throat.
Being out of breath.
Being 300 dollars out of pocket every single month.

Not on.

I have already saved $10 dollars, see how easy was that.

Ha, seriously though today was hard.. I survived til about 11 when we normally get a coffee from the van that comes, I skipped the coffee because I knew the craving would kick in really badly.
Instead of my earlier morning smoke I went for a walk, which was strangely refreshing
I dont doubt that without champix I'd be going NUTS.
Even now, as I talk about this post, wow yeah I am craving.
But I wont, and I cant and it wont help or make me feel better.
It will just make me feel worse.
I am really determined to do this, so please.. wish me luck.

.

Numb

2009-09-27T16:38:00.002+10:00

I hate that I am so numb right now
I hate that my stupid football team lost the grand final
I hate that I got up at 6am to watch them lose a grand final
I hate seeing my dad upset
I hate that he is lying to us
I hate that he is lying to himself
I hate that he is giving her another chance
I hate that she will hurt him again
I hate that in order to be a good daughter I just need to shut my mouth and let him live his own life
I hate that everyone who is so important to me lives so far away
I hate that I just need a hug but can't remember when I last had one
I hate everything right now.

EXCEPT
That tomorrow I will not smoke a cigarette.
That tomorrow if I get through one full day without puffing on a cancer stick, I will believe in myself enough not to ever pick up one agin.;

Love is an anmial

2009-09-24T15:28:00.002+10:00

The title of my new favourite song.
Very happy, very positive and upbeat...
Very much how I am feeling at the moment.

All is good.
Work has been crazy busy, today I have been winding down from two months of non stop on the go stuff.
It's been good to just reflect a little, sort through a maze of old emails and store them neatly in the right place.

Dont you hate those guys who make calls on speaker phone?
I do... My boss is one of those guys.
HE JUST DID IT AGAIN.

We did our half yearly review and I managed to score myself some very good feedback.
I don't know how my boss doesn't know I think he's an idiot.
But he doesnt.

Its hard to respect some one when instead of saying.
"I didn't do anything"
says
"I didn't do nothing"

Which makes NO sense at all.
AHHHHHHHH

Anyway, so where was I?
Oh yes happy and relaxed.

We got the surprise of our lives when we were offered
GRAND FINAL TICKETS, for those of you not familiar with AFL.. its like the super bowl.
The tickets are not only worth a lot of money, but they are pretty much priceless.
I haven't heard my dad that happy in a very very long time.
He was beaming from ear to ear.

In other news, he is still seeing slut face.
I don't know what to say about it.
I think he almost feel's bad about it.
I know he misses C and that slut, but come on dad...
Let her go.

There are plenty more fish in the sea!

I am ever so excited about grey's anatomy's return tomorrow night!!!!
Or tonight our time.
I will be scuring home to ~~illegally download~~aquire the latest episode.

Um I really have nothing interesting to report.
On Monday RM attended a wake for an aquantance he'd known for a while.
This man died suddenly and was only 46 years old. Ex Army, fit as a fiddle and the just died..
I think this has shocked RM a bit. He seem's to have improved over the last few days.
I told him I wont spend time with him when he's mental.
More or less.
I know he wants to feel better, and I know he wants to see me.
Hopefully he is still getting the help he needs and he will always have my support.

I spoke to an old friend last night which was really nice.
She is a beautiful person who cares for me a lot despite the fact I didn't treat her well in the past. But I cannot change the past, I can only do better in the future.
Onwards and upwards I say!

I have just about run out of things to say.

Oh quitting smoking is going well, my quit date is sunday.
I will be ready to give up by then.. I am ready now.. I am just.. err scared.

XX

Two Minds

2009-09-21T09:34:00.003+10:00

I'm in two minds about how to handle you.
1/4 your normal, 1/4 your unheard from and the other 1/2 of the time your all fucked up.
Hearing you loosing it the other night broke me up.
Hearing you tell me everything, evereything I've wondered for so long

Your sick. So very sick. Your drinking, not eating and not sleeping is going to catch up with you.

If anything happens to you, I struggle to think what would become of me, how much guilt I would feel. The guilt of not being able to help you is already breaking me into.

I know your ready to give up, I feel this in your voice I hear your beaten down and battered soul.

But when you spit out stupid things like re-joining the army and starting a new life... near me it.. it just worries me more than anything.

You don't want to leave those girls behind, I know you dont.
I know you'd give anything to tuck them in everynight, hell you'd give everything to tuck them in every other weekend.
I feel the love pour out of you everytime you say one of there names.
How could you give that up?

I know you don't want to.
I know she's broken you.
I know you've lost all your money fighting for your rights as a father.
I know thats not fair.

But I don't want you to give up, not ever.
You only fight when there is something worth fighting for.
They are worth it, you wouldn't have come this fair if you didn't believe that with every fibre of your being.

So for now, I do the thing, the thing thats unlike anything I've ever done.
I pray.

I pray that, that bitch is held in contempt of a court order.
I pray that she is forced to support and assist in providing a loving and supporting role as there father.
I pray you have the rights you deserve to help make descions that affect your daughters futures.
For everything she's done, ever bit of peace and sanity she has taken from you.
For sense to come of this, and for your daughters to finally get to see regulary how much you love them, and would do anything for them.

I know this has never been about you.
It's still not.
It's always been what's best for them.
I hope someone see's the sense in that.

When I'm feeling like I have no love coming to me
and I have no love left to give
When I'm feeling separated from the world
And cut off from myself
When I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing
Becuse I'm not getting what I want
I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love available to me
And I'll see it in you
I'll remember that I am complete withing myself
So I'll never have to look to you to complete me
And most of all, I'll remember that everything I really need I already have, and whatever I don't have will come to me when I'm ready to receive it.

300th Post

2009-09-20T16:37:00.003+10:00

I can't believe this is my 300th post.
It seems like only yesterday I was diving back into the world of blogging to save me from myself.
I was confused, upset, lost and feeling without hope.
But the kind people in the blogging community took me under their wings and have helped to nurse me back to strength.
The friendship, advice, empathy and compassion I have received from so many wonderful people will never be forgotten.
As I primarily follow IF and pregnancy blogs I am now finding that these are more and more turning into family blogs.
I pray each and everyday for all the wonderful women and parents who are hoping and doing everything in there power to become parents.
I pray that your time will come just as it has for many of the people I follow.

I can't put into words how far I have come.
6 months ago I barely had the strength to get out of bed, now.. most days I jump out of bed and into the world. I am proud of what I have achieved in such a small time and all of the people reading this have contributed to that in some way.

Right now I am putting a lot of energy into supporting a friend who is going through a very difficult time, I can't imagine ever having enough courage to attempt to be there for someone in that way, but I am doing it and I am proud that I can support and love people in my life and treat them they way they deserve to be treated.

Anyway, I am getting mushy.
Blahhhhh

xxx

Baby Book

2009-09-19T19:28:00.003+10:00

When I was born, I was the last child and only daughter.
My first brother was born VERY ILL with a rare condition which caused his bowels to develop outside his body. In 1982 there were very few cases of this and he was not given a good chance at surviving, he beat all the odds and today is in very good health. My second brother was a blessing, and much needed. My mother suffered depression after both my second brother and I were born.

I do not have any pictures of my mother pregnant, it was a hard time when she was only 3 months along we moved back to Tasmania, which is where I was born.
It kills me that I have no record of her pregnancy, I only know things she'd told me.
I have the typical first photo's taken of me when I was in the hospital.
But its only the memories really..

Until I found my Child Health baby book.

Caragh Blank Blank (ha I know i've posted info on here before about my full name, but I googled me and it linked straight into my blog, that's not good)

Date of Birth: 15/02/1987
Weight at Birth: 2.520 kg or 5.5 pounds
Length at Birth: 46cms
Weight at Discharge: 2.625 kg or 5.8 pounds

23.02.87
8 days old
2.67kg or 5.9 pounds

05.03.87
18 days old
2.98kg or 6.6 pounds

12.3.87
25 days old
3.25kg or 7.2 pounds

19.3.87
32 days old
3.45kg or 7.6 pounds

Comments:
Continuing to make good progress.
Immunization 2nd Thursday this month 2:30pm.

26.03.87
39 days old
3.72kg or 8.2 pounds
Comments:
Smiling!

2.04.87
46 days old
3.86kg or 8.8 pounds
Length: 53cm
Head: 37cm (is it just me or did I have a HUGE head)

Comments:
Responds to noises.
Weaning- Substitute one bottle feed for one breast feed each week until having all bottle feeds. (I used to bite)

9.04.87
53 days old(7 Weeks)
4.14kg or 9.2 pounds

23.04.87
57 days old(9 Weeks)
4.23kg or 9.12 pounds

7.5.87
81 days old(11 Weeks)
4.6kg or 10.3 pounds
Head: 38.7cm (STILL GROWING)

14.5.87
88 days old(12 Weeks)
4.68kg or 10.5pounds
Length: 57.2 cm's
Comments:
Reaching out for toys
Responds to familiar voices.

4.6.87
109 Days old(15 Weeks)
4.89kg or 10.13 pounds

2.7.87
137 days old(19 Weeks)
5.36kg or 11.10 pounds

Comments:
Teach to drink from cup.
Rusk (I have no idea what this means)

17.8.87
186 days old(26 weeks) 6 Month check up
5.78kg or 12.12 pounds
Length: 62.8cm
Head: 41.5cm (OH MY)
Comments:
Rolls
Appointing for heading check.

28.9.87
225 days old(32 weeks)
6.59kg or 14.8 pounds
Comments:
Can't read the comments about me, but there is a reminder note in there for my brothers appointment lol.

4.1.88
323 days old(46 weeks)
7.860kg or 17.5 pounds
Length: 70cm
Head: 44.6cm(lol)

Comments:
In very bad hand writting...

Says dad (this could be something else but it ends in ad so im assuming its dad
Crawling
Pulls to stand
Walks around the furniture
Takes one step alone.
Claps hands.

10.3.88
389 days old(53 weeks) 1 Year check up
9.16kg or 20.3 pounds
Comments:
Walks!
Wants to feed herself

15.8.l988
547 days old(78 weeks) 18 months old
10.90kg 24 pounds
Length: 80.7cm
Comments:
Has had chicken pox.
Developmentally seeming very normal.

9.3.89
753 days old(107 weeks) 2 year check up
12.35kg or 27.4 pounds
Height 8.6cm( 1/2 adult height) Um no, they were off by 8 cm I feel hard done by.
Toilet trained <-- Woo go me.

So there you have it. It may be the only thing I have, it might have scribles from my mum, notes about my brother.
But its so precious to me.

I'm Alive

2009-09-17T17:44:00.003+10:00

Barely..
Nah just joking.
Wow I haven't posted all week, at least I don't think I have.
Any tomorrow is FRIDAY so that's almost a week so whats been happening you ask?

Well

1- Dad

His stupid bitch ex keeps calling him and wanting to be friends, I told him they need time apart before he should even consider being her friend. He disagrees as only a man would (no offense) and is going over to see her and her family to "say goodbye" tomorrow night. I have been very supportive, making him dinner, talking to him when he needs it and offering practical advice.
However, he's older than me so its assumed he knows better and he may be right. I have told him that I will never been in the same room with that bitch, and I wont support any kind of relationship he has with her. He understands and respects this.

Being heartbroken and completely smitten has caused him too jump right back on the bandwagon. Although they were in the process of breaking up, my dad has been on a few "friendly dates" basically its him meeting new people because he only ever met "the evil bitch" and then was with her for almost 18 months.
He is sticking close to home and has been on two dates with one nice woman who also rides motor bikes, 1 date with a crazy chick with 5 sons who are all of age and live and home, and is going on a date with a woman who used to live in the same street as us at the same time at a previous address mind you. Weird.

Mentally.. he's doing okay.. He is spending A LOT of time online doing the internet dating thing, I've been there and done that so I can respect what he's doing and hey if it helps him. That's awesome.

2- ME

Well I've been okay I guess.. Pretty steady week with lots of work going on.
Between AF having a visit, me getting hemorrhoids, and doing something terrible to my neck that required far to many pain killers.

On Tuesday I went to the doctors and got a re-fill for my crazy pills for the next 6 months, I also got the quit smoking drug and started it yesterday.. My official quit day is next thursday, hopefully this time next week I will have one day smoke free.
Two days in, no side effects besides some tingling in the mouth which is odd, and a bit of nausea that is thankfully much easier to stomach than the lexapro side effects.

I didn't ask the doctor about the butt problem because AF was visiting and I thought it rude, I got some stuff and I am having no pain or itching so its all good and hopefully next time I go to the doctors if I am still in the same situation I will get her advice. Oh and I like my new doctor, she seems very sweet and not patronizing or anything which I appreciate. My other doctor is on maternity leave.

Work has been busy and pretty full on. I go hell for leather but don't seem to get much done. I think I am being too much of a perfectionist.

Plans for the weekend, I may get started on the painting of the back room that I didn't start a few months bak.
Tomorrow I might go to my brothers house and watch the football finals with them so I am not all by my lonesome when dad is out.

I need to make plans to catch up with some of my girlfriends.
Missing them lots.

I still read everyone's journal, I just don't comment as much coz I suck.
But just checking in and sending everyone some love
:)

xoxo

WWMD

2009-09-13T22:03:00.002+10:00

What Would Mum Do?

I few months ago I stumbled onto a blog of a women in her mid 20's.
Her mother had recently had cancer, but got the all clear.
Within days of following her mothers blog, I read that her mother had again been diagnosed with cancer but it had spread and she was terminal.
With-in a few short months her mother died.
Reading her blog tonight, I felt my heart ache for her... for me and for every other child out there who is without a parent.
A parent knows what to do.
Or how to act.
Or that's what we think, we think they are invincible.

Tonight I sit her with a broken heart of a different kind, It's broken for my dad.
My poor drunk sorry Dad who at the moment doesn't give a shit about anything but getting revenge on his ex. My dad who is depressed, suicidal and actually slightly insane.
I hate when he throws out the comment "I'll be sure to update my insurance policies this week"
He has always said he would do this so I was the sole beneficiary of any money he is. I know its stupid and scary.
Part of me feels like he's joking, part of me feels like his serious.
The other part of me is just wondering.

What would mum do?

Would she slap him in the face and tell him to get over it?
Hug it out?

I just don't know..
I don't know what to do.
I know I am going to find myself worried as all hell all week.

I wish I could hit the fast forward button, so I could take him through this grieving process. So he wouldn't be so hurt or so angry.
But I know that I can't.

But its so fucking hard to be there for someone.
When it seems like they just don't care anymore.

Very BAD EGG

2009-09-13T12:38:00.002+10:00

I always knew my dad's girlfriend was a bit of a bad egg.
I suspected due to selfish and unkind things I heard come out of her mouth.
I suspected due to the way she treated her daughter.. I never saw anything terrible.. but I just suspected.

I was correct.

This BITCH and I mean BITCH has been cheating on my dad with numerous men through out
the entire duration of the relationship.

I'm talking about a fair few guys.

For her to this comes as a bit of a shock to me.

With everything my dad has been through, a widower who survived an aggressive form of cancer with almost a year of treatment.

She is a piece of work.

Dad recently revealed he suspected she would drug her daughter in order to get a good nights sleep.

She committed welfare fraud.

She used my dad in a number of ways.
The relationship cost him his sanity, his self esteem and not to mention upwards of 20k he spent pouring his heart and soul into her.

I am devastated.

My dad is devastated.
He is looking for a way to get revenge, fuck I don't blame him.. I've been there but I just find that revenge wont really do anything except make him feel better in the interim but worse in the long run.

Wow..

Still shocked...

I'd totally kick that bitches ass if I wasn't so against violence.

I knew I was right never to get attached to her daughter like dad did.
Fuck what a terrible person.

Reasons why I am not blogging much

2009-09-12T12:30:00.003+10:00

1- The drama in my life surrounding RM, my dad partner and my depression seems to have faded quite a bit. My mood is constantly on the up and I am feeling pretty good actually. RM and I are not longer having any drama, I am at peace with my decision to be a good friend to him and I am looking at spending some time with him in January.
My dad and his girlfriend have broken up.. I don't really know what happened other that she kinda wouldn't commit. It is sad because he loved her a lot.. sadly I don't think the kind of love he was after was coming back at him.
My dad is right back on the horse and is actually on his second date with someone right now I think, she is closer to home, has no children and they share similar interests. She seems much more like a free spirit.

2- I've been a bit sick lately, I can't eat without feeling queasy.. I don't know how I would cope with morning sickness but if it's anything like I've self lately I really couldn't. The other night I had to make myself throw up just to ease it. It wasn't nice.

3- There is nothing spectacular going on in my life.. I am still looking at applying for uni, I am going to start a new savings plan and try and get my shit together

4- I joined up on an Internet dating site in order to snoop out my dads profile. It's pretty cute. he he. I have realised how many nut jobs there are out there just looking for someone to love them. I am so content in the fact that I am not looking for anyone or anything that something special just might come my way..
I don't have my hopes up.

Well I think I'm going to go and be a good daughter and hang out dad's washing.

Wishing everyone a lovely weekend.

X

Hell hath no fury

2009-09-09T13:16:00.002+10:00

Like me right now.
I am PMSING to the enth degree and I threatened to kill someone..
Not seriously, but I told him I was in a mood and if he continued to annoy me I couldnt be held responsble for my actions.

This is insane.
I've never had PMS this bad before.
I know that its because I am on the pill but FUCK!
This is ridiulous.

When I am not being moody, im sulking and close to tears.
Its times like this I just wish I could up my lexapro dosage and everything would be fine.

Just so angry... I could have killed this woman in traffic today, she was "trying to merge" But just WOULDNT CHANGE LANES.
Forgive me, but isn't that the point of merging.
I held my hand on the horn for 5 minutes and then got stuck at the traffic lights anyway after been tail-gated by this 18 year old mole who couldn't drive.

See??
This is not me.
Even when im in one of my pyscho depressive states im not this angry.
Is relativly pain free and light periods worth this shit.

I don't know.

I want to crawl up in a hole and die coz I know I'm pissing people off and I don't want to do that.

I having been going to lunch a little earlier than the guys because I like to have QUITE for atleast 20 minutes while there not here.

Our receptionist.. who I consider a "work friend" is being SO annoying.
She is normally loud but she's taking it to the next level.
Always yelling out to other departments, and shes in the foyer so its really echo's.
I want to go out there and shake her
"YOU DONT NEED TO YELL"

The funny thing is she has to be deaf because I can hear every word she says but even in a very loud voice she can't hear me.
Normally I could talk to her about it, but she'll snap at me and I might flip out and give her a wedgey or something.

I would love for something to just go my way, but more than anything I'd just like her to shut up and act like a professional.
Yes I realise telling someone im gonna kill them isn't professional, but he's a taunter.. and I can't be taunted this week.

The things that keep me awake at night

2009-09-07T23:54:00.002+10:00

Thinking about...

RM- I am more worried about him than ever. I know he is in the midst of a deep depression. So deep that infact I am pretty sure he is not seeing his children at the moment which I know is killing him. So deep that he's in therapy 2-3 times a week. So deep that for the first time in 39 years of his life which has been full of much shit including being in the army and the police force and the state emergency service where he has seen a hell of a lot of shit. He is on medication.
Not only for depression, but also his blood pressure is dangerously high.
I want to talk to him, I want to be there for him.. but he's un responsive.
Today(A work day) he sat at home on his computer. He didn't answer a lot of his calls, he just.. sat there. He talked to me briefly enough for me to quiz him about how he's feeling. But fucked up is just the answer.
I am offically helpless and it sucks, the only thing I can do is make it be known that I am here. I will not be angry or bitter when he doesn't wanna talk.
So many people in my life took it upon themselves to chastize me for not being able to slip out of my depression.. it really pissed me off.
I will not do that to him.

Smoking- I started smoking almost 5 years ago. That fact discussed me.
I went from 1 pack, to 2, to 4, to 5 and now I smoke almost 6 packs a week.
Since I started cigarettes have gone up an average of 4 dollars a packet.
I am now spending almost $200 on cigarettes.
For a person with over $30,000 dollars in debt.
THIS IS NOT A WISE DECSION.
Last time I was at the doctors she mentioned a quit smoking drug.
I had just sought treatmeant for my depression and I was not ready.
But now I am, I am ready to have my voice back, take control of my health and my finances and quit. I am going to go into the doctors, get the pill pick up my prescription and QUIT.
Quiting will allow me to put aside an extra 200 dollars a month, I already worked out I can save atleast $200 a month on my own so thats $400 dollars.
I'm going to open up a savings account that I wont touch til christmas.

Uni-
I really need to get my arse into gear and see if I can handle this emotionally and finacially next year. I want too, I really really do.
But is that enough?

Ahh

All these things are keeping me awake.
Right now I DONT feel like sleeping but I will regret this tomorrow.

Sending everyone lots of good vibes for a great work

One of the lucky one's.

2009-09-07T13:00:00.003+10:00

I am one of those lucky people, who rarely gets a headache.
BUT when I do its a killer.
Right now I can feel one coming on and I am sure its gonna be a bad one.

Fathers day turned out okay.
I did a bit of running around getting stuff for dinner and our new washing machine.
I actually picked up the wrong kind of washing powder, because we now have a front loader. Oh then I turned it to the wrong setting and it was far far to hot...
I had a white shirt (I know my bad) mixed in with a whole lot of colours and I managed to turn it a lovely shade of gray. Very smart indeed.

I am working my ass off today, trying to get a million little things done.. But not really getting anywhere.

Mondays make my brain hurt.

Happy Fathers Day

2009-09-06T13:52:00.002+10:00

Dear Dad,

I can't believe this is your 27th fathers day.

Sometimes I find it hard to know what to say to you, you were just a kid when your first child was born, only 23 years old.. basically the same age as me.

I can't imagine being a parent at my age.. but you stepped up to the plate and provided for your family financially but more so emotionally.
You even let mum pop out two more kids before you were 30!

You always protected us, loved us and provided for us.
We have had many happy memories.
You fought for us, when you had nothing left to give.
You didn't want to leave us.

For everything you have gone through to still be here with us today.
I say thank you.
Thank you for learning and growing with us. It can't have been easy having not had a father after the age of 8.
But you did it.
You raised a family, you taught as well.
Although you may not always think of it, we are more than capable of standing on our own two feet and that's because of the guidance you gave us.

Through the good times, and the bad.
I love you and I hope so share many many more fathers day's with you.

Your daughter,

Obes.

Caragh, Dad, Matthew.. Circa 1987.

What's in a number?

2009-09-05T12:39:00.004+10:00

I recently found out someone I know, and care about has slept with more than 150 people.
I was significantly shocked, and a little discussed to hear this number.
I was more upset at the fact that this person seemed to hate themselves for this.

It got me wondering about all the self distructive and dangerous things we do in our life time.
Smoke
Drink
Date people who are bad for us
Drive dangerously

and obviously a very dangerous thing to do, have sex with SO many people.

I asked how this had come about.
I was told that up until the age of 23 this person had only slept with TWO people.
So how to get to 150 in less than 20 years.

Relationships and sex can be such a manipulating situation.
Sex in my eyes is a wonderful and amazing thing that everyone should enjoy when the time is right for them.

Seeing someone hate themselves for sleeping with so many people made me realise how thankful I am that my number of partners is small.
Sex for me, must be accompanded by trust.

That much sex to me would mean a very low self esteem, lack of self control and ammount to no self worth at all.
Oh and a love of sex.

But really who doesn't love sex?

I was also slightly upset at myself for being so discustsed in someone elses decisons.
But I think it was more so guided in the fact of the pure self hatred that was coming from this person.

So really, what do you think.

Do numbers like that matter?

Things aren't good

2009-09-04T12:02:00.002+10:00

Work isn't good.
It is busy and frustrating. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel today.
I just fucking can't.

I've been hurt by someone I never thought COULD hurt me.
It hurts even more to know they didnt intentially hurt me, they still FUCKING HURT ME.

I am so close to tears its driving me nuts.

I am pissed off at myself.
I am pissed off at M for doing an assignment at work when I really need his help with something.

FUCK

Can't put my finger on it

2009-09-01T23:29:00.001+10:00

But something is off.
Something doesn't feel right.
I hate that feeling.
I hate not knowing if something is going to hit me like a big truck.
I am gonna get thrown for a loop sometime soon.. I just..
Can FEEL it.

You did what now?

2009-09-01T10:44:00.005+10:00

I have often said that I will make fun of myself for the amusements of other.
Yesterday I was discussing with my collueges how my goal by 25 is to wear a mo-mo and have an electric scooter that goes straight in under my custom made desk.
They thought this was HILARIOUS and I think they actually thought I was serious.
For the record I'm not, and It was something I said a joke.. I realise obesity isn't funny and for some people (not me, im fat for food.. not for genetics) Anyway..
Point was.. I was in a bit of a weird mood yesterday.
I enjoy making people laugh.. if I was more solid with my comedy I could probably do stand-up.
This started a day of doing stupid things for the amusement of others. Lovely.

One of the guys in our medical department grows chillis.
I have never really liked hot food, hate curries and casserolls ect.
One of the guys was offered the chillis, but didnt take them.
The guys were egging me on to try one, so I did.. I tried 4 infact.. very small and mild ones they kinda tasted like capsicum...

I was pretty amused that the guys were sitting there watching me eat and waiting for me to scream out in pain...

And then they told me to take a bite of this.

I was sceptical.. but I cut it open, demolished half the actual skin and then ate 1 seed. One small back seed.. seriously how bad could it be??

Well.. nothing happened.
The guys are sitting there in amazement.
So I eat two more seeds.
1 minute later.. still nothing.
By this time we are convinced I have an iron gut, or the guy was lying about the strength of his chilli's.

1 minute later it hit me.
My tounge, lip, throat... all burning.
I scrambled for some milk.
Went completely red in the face.
It was bad.. pretty bad..
But I was laughing through it.

What amused the guys the most was that they thought it would hurt more on the way out.. than it did on the way in.
Well they were wrong.

I went home and I was fine.. except for the fact that my body trying to digest that shit actually put me into a deep deep sleep lol.
Took all the energy I had after my restfull weekend.

So I now am Chilli Champion of the world in everyones eyes..
I am quite proud of my iron stomach.
My body has completly recovered.

Was my stupidity worth it?
ABSOULETY>>>
I'd do it again to make my boys laugh.

Finding my feet

2009-08-30T22:51:00.002+10:00

I guess a testiment to how good I am doing "mentally" is the fact that I don't update my blog anywhere NEAR what I should. For me this is a huge indicator.
I no longer have a nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach when I have to rise each morning.
It's weird for me, sometimes I find coming out of a depressing state of mind is just as weird as going into one. Part of it just doesn't feel real.
I am like everyone, I have my good days and my bad days.
My bad days are few and far between and they aren't as bad.

I wonder how I got there.. into that place where everything became to much.
My emotions and more so my complex anger just got the better of me.
I wonder if this is in me, if i'll be this way for life or if there is ever a time I will live happily and drug free.
I will always walk with my head held high.
Infact I get told I dont look like a normal fat chick, there words.. not mine..
Its because I walk with my head up, shoulders back and ready to face the world.
Regardless of the mood I am in, happy or sad. That is one thing I will never let go of, my mother taught me well.

I often wonder about how different my life would be if my mum never got sick.
I'd never have quit TAFE, hopefully I would have gone on to university.. I'd be finished my degree and be in my 1st year of teaching. I'd had never had met RM or B, or M.. I'd never have felt such extreme lows and rechoiced the moments of happiness i've felt. I wouldn't be this fat, or this broke.... I wouldn't have lost the friends I have......

Those are all what if's. What if's i'll wonder about for the rest of my life.

I know I suck

2009-08-24T22:05:00.002+10:00

I haven't been updating.
I fail at ICLW.
I am just not feeling very....
I dunno.. There is just something thats off.
I will be back to life before I know it.
The fight with dad really threw me for a six.
On saturday morning he appolgised realising he'd taken it to far.
But it all feels to late.
It feels like he doesn't want, or need me in his life.
That is the worst feeling.
Knowing I've lost one parent, and I'm loosing the other.

I need everything to pick up a bit.

I am not strong

2009-08-21T21:37:00.003+10:00

The other night when I was drunk dialed by my depressed friend RM.
I sat there and listened to him tell me about how wonderful I was.
I don't like compliments, I don't think there justified.
In the course of the conversation he proclaimed many times that he loved me.
Many many many times. It was the booze more than likely, his depression and loneliness getting to him.
At the end of the conversation when he was in one of his speals.. I asked him.
"why"

He paused and said "you are so strong"
I guess not the most obvious reason why you would love someone, but anyway he was drunk so I'll forgive him.

I am tough, I have a thick skin but sometimes I break.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a pretty good day, I was relaxed lots of laughing looking forward to the weekend. I was optimistic about going to the footy with dad on Sunday and cleaning tomorrow. Sleeping in. Ya know all the weekend jazz.
When I got home dad was home, I wasn't expecting that at all.

I realised I had left the dishes from last nights dinner.

1 baking, 1 saucepan, 1 plate, and a knife and fork.
What I found in the sink was significantly more than that.

I wanted to unwind when I got home from work.
For an hour, I played my computer.

My dad comes into my room.

"How about doing those fucking dishes that are sitting in the sink"

Okay.. weird I think to myself he was in a great mood when I got home.

My response was
"mmm hmm"

Because I was playing a video game.

"Fucking get up and do it now you slob or i'll turn the power off"

Again weird.

Within 2 minutes I am up and doing the dishes.
I think to myself.

"Hey fuck... I didn't need that.. I don't deserve that"

I causally hand him the football tickets he left me.
I also tell him I'm not going to his daughters girlfriends school concert.

All extremely calm.

when I finish the dishes 20 minutes later he comes into my room, and takes the tv that is in all fairness his and says "get your own"

5 minutes later he disconnects the Internet.
Whatever, but now I am pissed because it appears he is taking his shit out on me.
He starts to vacuum, so random... I was gonna do that tomorrow.

I go out and ask him why he's being such a jack ass.
He proceeds to tell me about all the mess and how is disgusting.
Believe me.. I don't live in filth my dads never even seen filth.

I pretty much plead my case. That I have done nothing wrong.

He then goes into a speal about how horrible I am and how I do nothing and I am this and I am that.

In the process of this, being abused and taunted with things about myself that aren't true.
I loose it.
I throw a few little things on the ground that ARE NT MINE. But are the apparent mess.

He then begins to taunt me, and now I am yelling.
He's smirking, telling me how horrible I am.

So.. I do something I've never done before.

I attack.
I lunge at him and start hitting. (Not hard, or in the face)
Pretty much just want him to shut up.
By this stage I am hysterically crying and not even understanding what the fuck has happened.

I am not a violent person.. I was just so angry that he'd attacked me.
If I deserved it, fair enough.
BUT I DIDN'T.

I witnessed a lot of things in my parents marriage.
I saw my mum lunge at my dad many times and try and shut him up.
I saw that anger and never understood it....

But now I do.

As I write this, I am somber. I am sad. Shocked. Disapointed.

I am a WHOLE lot of things.

I am not strong.

Reality

2009-08-20T19:30:00.002+10:00

I haven't been writting as much lately.
Yes i've probably still updated heaps by anyones standards but not mine.
It's not the quality, its the quantity.

I hate that a lot of my posts are about him and the drama surrounding him.
Cutting him out of my life is the only option, but thats just it it's not an option.
I care too much about him to let him go.
But I care too much about me to let him hurt me.
So I made the choice. I dont. I don't let him hurt me and its okay.
I am aware that this is probably a stupid decsion.
I know that I have been given A LOT of great advice by wonderful people much smarter than I, but at the end of the day.
There is an invisable peice of string that connects my heart to that of a twice divorced almost 40 year old MALE who lives in another state and I work with.
Thats just how it is.
I've ignored it and deneyed it.

Many extrodinary things have happened since he came into my life, some have caused me pain but most of which have caused me nothing, but pure joy.
I have made friendships, broken boundaries and learnt so much about myself but more so I have learnt a lot about how I interact with others and this has helped me to build great friendships that never would have happened without his presence.

I choose to see the upside in this situation rather than strangle with the negative.
I have no intention of being in a relationship with him, ever. I'm not gonna pack up my shit, leave my job, family or friends to be with him.
I don't intend to have a casual sexual relationship with him, or anything else that would be self destructive.
I choose, because it is my choice(Even though it maybe a stupid one)

To be his friend, and a good one at that.
To hold on tight to all the lessons that this may teach me.
To learn more about myself.
To be the best person I can be.

Relationships don't always have to be disfunctional.
But sometimes this one is, and I am okay with that.
I am strong, so very very strong.

I will continue to make the choices, right or wrong.
I may regret them, but I regret a lot of things that regrets change nothing.
Regrets are only a chance to do better next time.

So I step forward.
I try not to look back.

The future is what I choose to make of it.
I have to be true to who I am.

This is who I am, even if I don't like it.

He's alive

2009-08-19T20:14:00.002+10:00

I could have killed him when he called me this afternoon.
AS IF you worry me like that.
He said he "left his phone somewhere and didnt know where it was"
Um yeah..
That didn't happen.

He's still too fucked up for me to call him out on it.
Fucking drama.
I tell ya, im too old for this shit.

In other news
ITS THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST.
and its thursday tomorrow.
And I am FREAKING out.
So many changes.
don't have the energy to even THINK about them.

I am

2009-08-18T22:40:00.003+10:00

Occupying my small and distracted mind with stupid games on facebook.
Is it lame i've been playing for 5 hours and I dont care?
Yeah its lame, but I REALLY dont care.

So he's disapeared again.

Last night after he called me in an insanely depressed drunken state, I fell asleep hoping that i'd wake up for work.
I should have been praying he'd be getting up for work.
He did not.

As a sales rep if he continues down this path he will burn MANY bridges.
One potential customer was furious.

The worst thoughts are running through my head.
THE WORST.
What if I was the last person to talk to him.
What if I didn't say enough.
FUCK.
The truth is didn't know WHAT to say.
So I listened to the rambles.
I laughed at the lame jokes.
I did what any person would do.

Did I do enough.
Fuck that thought is running through my head.

He has to be MIA for atleast another day before we do anything major.
We= B and I.

B would have been over there already, knowing what I bad state he's in.
But this morning he was already half way to the middle of no where for a show.
FUCK.

So we wait, because its all we can do.

Apart from searching his work contract for his "emergency contact"
coz i'm sure by law there HAD to be someone listed.
Its either that or contact his ~~ex room mate, girlfriend, good friend~~

I am powerless.
And it sucks.

Yes I know he is a narcissitic, selfish, sex addicted butt face.

But if anything happens to him.. I don't know WHAT I would do.

Does it

2009-08-18T09:44:00.003+10:00

Does it make me stupid for still caring?
Does it make me foolish for wishing all your pain away?
Does it make me a hypocrite to suddenly believe what your telling me is the truth. Your truth that is.

I am stupid.
I am foolish
I am a hypocrite.

But this is the thing about me.
The thing that makes me know that I'm not in capable of love.

I love deeply and without a sense of reason.
For the wisest words you have ever spoken were.

"Be true to YOUR heart, not my heart. Don't worry about me"
That's when I knew a part of your heart, was my heart and that it came back just the same way.
I know I am stupid, foolish, selfish, a little nuts and clearly in way to deep.

But I love you.. unconditionally and even when your belligerent.
Because that's who you are.
And really does anything else matter?

I will

2009-08-17T16:57:00.002+10:00

NOT be a door mat
NOT drop what I am doing to help others
NOT put other peoples needs ahead of my own
NOT worry about everyone so much
NOT care so much
NOT cry so much
NOT NOT NOT

Why cant I be left ALONE.
FARK

The shit my family does

2009-08-15T14:37:00.002+10:00

After my mum died.. yeah I know I start alot of posts like that.. but its just so true. It is such a defining moment. None of us had really known life without mum. Dad was with her since he was 17, we'd been around her since we came into the world.
We were used to it, stuck in the patterns that had become our life.

Anyways. After mum died we became one of those households.
The households that only purchase items after they have run out of the essentials.
I'm talking.. dishwashing powder is only aquired when we realise we are gonna have to do dishes by hand. Washing powder is only brought when someone does to do a load of washing and realises they are gonna have to go without.
All the essentials, except shampoo and conditioner coz shit no one wants to have dirty hair are only brought when we are at the end of the run and completly without.

I noticed on friday we were running low on toilet paper. I made a mental note to buy some. Of course this note got pushed to the back of my mind and I forgot.
I went to pee yesterday and realised we were without but AH-HA. We had a box of tissues.. problem solved.

This morning when I went to pee I used the last tissues.
Crap.. well I had to get lunch anyway.
I went into the shops and picked up a 12 pack on special and in the front of one of the isles.
In most super markets.. well the one I go to, the toilet paper is in the last isle. It gives me the shits! (no pun intended)
I grabbed some lunch and headed home.
When I walked into the kitchen I noticed a 12 pack sitting on the bench.. My dad was cooking and goes " your the third one to buy toilet paper"

To end this story, we now have 30 rolls of toilet paper in the cupboard.

Can someone please tell me we are not the only family who does stupid shit like this?

Itchy nipples

2009-08-14T21:07:00.003+10:00

Well left nipple to be exact.
Its annoying enough to have an itchy nipple at home or in private.
But at work when you are surrounded by 15 guys at all times.

Ouchy.
Such a sensitive area as well.

Blah

Glad its friday.
Nothing planned for the weekend.
Playing online poker and listening to the spice girls.
Is it just me or did they wear ALOT of make-up?
Looking back they wore more make up than a drag queen

Thats my hilarious observation for the night.
Clearly I am very with it today.

What happened to me?

2009-08-13T20:46:00.000+10:00

I used to be able to pack my feeling into a box at the drop of a hat.
Every little thing I felt would disapear.
The only thing I could feel was what I WANTED to feel.
I was numb.
Completly numb.
Why can't I be that way?
Why I am NOT in control?
Why am I so unsure of everything?
Why do I just want to disapear?
I need answers.
I need them now.
I can only get them from myself.
But the good half of my personality is not co-operating.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Tomorrow is a new day

2009-08-13T11:07:00.002+10:00

As much as yesterday sucked.
Coz it did, I learnt some pretty valuable lesson.

1) Be careful who you give your heart too.

2) Always fill the car up with enough petrol to get you from point A to B.

3) Don't try and do too many things at once.. you will fall over.
Evidence of this is the giant scrape and bruise I have on my back.

Regardless of this.. A bit of sleep, and a chat with a great friend turned my frown upside down.

Besides another week is almost over.
Whats better than the weekend?

Bad things come in three's

2009-08-12T21:03:00.003+10:00

I thought I was just having a typically shit day.
Until someone at work reminded me that.
Bad things come in three's.

1) Last night he turned on me. Really turned. Turned into the asshat I knew he always was.Yeah it still hurt like a bitch.

2) Typically I don't walk and txt because I'm unco and fall over.. well hows this.. instead of just falling over.. I rolled my ankle, fell on the step and cut and bruised my back.

3) Just to put the icing on the cake, I was 300 metres down the road from my home on a freezing cold and foggy morning. Luckily I was on the phone to B. Well, I ran outta fuel. Right then and there. This has never happened to me before.
So off I walked, in the rain.. out in the cold surrounded by fog to a petrol station to get fuel in a can, to fill the car to make it back to said petrol station and some how get to work.
I got to work more than an hour after I got to the car because I managed to get stuck in lovely bumper to bumper traffic.

Did I mention I had 3 hours sleep and was physically and emotionally exhausted.
Everyone at work though my story was hilarious.
I managed to make it through til 2pm when I promply informed my boss I felt like shit and was going home. He may be an idiot, but is good with things like that.

Oh also for some reason my blogger is broken.
It says i'm not following any blogs, I've had this bug before but usally it goes away quickly this time not so much. I have most people on my favourites listing so I should be able to find everyone back if it really is busted.

Came home finally had a nap. Something to eat.
Feeling better...
Excuse my langauge but
FUCK what a day.

Must RANT

2009-08-11T18:00:00.003+10:00

Ah.
People suck.
So him, yes that asshole who fucked with my head for 18 months.
Yup him..
The guy who TWO weeks ago was yabbering on about how much he missed me, and wanted me to come and see him and have fun with him. Insert the name of fun things that caragh loves to do.
Damn me and my big mouth.
UM NO.
No I will not come and see you..
Because I DONT WANT Clyamdia.
You are a WHORE.

W
H
O
R
E

You've been broken up from your "non girlfriend" for what 5 weeks now?
Yeah you spend half of your time on dates, one quarter bragging about how much pussy you got and the other quarter trying to pretend to your.. whatever the fuck she is that you still care about her?

Are you freaking kidding me???

No.
No wonder your ex wife hates you.. You probably gave her an STI when she was pregnant or something you dirty, rotten excuse for a "man"

I fricken hate your guts.. I wish you'd disapear.
You've turned into a person I HATE.
I used to have so much respect for you.
Its gone.. My respect is something you will NEVER get back.

I found this nifty little feature on my phone.

"add to reject list"

Guess what BUTT FACE, your fucking ON IT.
Instant call reject, I will never know you even called.
AWESOME.

I will not occupy any more space in my mind thinking about you, worrying about you, caring about you because its all crap.
You are as fake as it comes..

PS:

Stop with the whole "any hole is a goal" mentality.

I FUCKING KNOW THAT YOUR GAY.

I DONT KNOW ANY GUYS WHO FREELY AND OPENLY ADMIT TO EXPERIMENTING AND WANTING TO EXPERIMENT FURTHER WITH MEN WHO ARENT.

PPS: I realise posting this means I actually care.. sigh.

Revealing

2009-08-10T21:15:00.003+10:00

I can’t…

Make the bed without it falling apart in the middle of the night.

Sing like I used to be able to before I started smoking

Ignore one of M's burps without following it with my own.. even if I dont need to

Watch beaches without crying

Really explain to someone what they mean to me face to face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can…

Flip my eye lids inside out, yes its gross no I wont do it and scare you.

Almost always cry on demand.

Never stop loving someone who has place in my heart.

Reverse parelle park even though I was never taught.

Make fun of myself almost everday for the amusment of others
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I won’t…

Ever forget my mothers eyes, as they are my eyes. She lives through me.

Repress memories because they are to painful

Let my eyebrows go more than 2 weeks without being waxed, its a slight obsession

Ever loose the ring I am wearing on my right middle finger.

Hurt someone on purpose because they hurt me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will…

Always try and be the best daughter I can be.. Even if its as simple as making my dad dinner so he doesn't sulk or starve.

Try at let people in more and remove some of my walls.

Not tell white lies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shouldn’t…

Swear so much.

Eat so many sovlakis (BUT THEY ARE SOOO GOOD)<----

Push people away.

Jump to conculsions when I don't know the facts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I should…

Quit smoking.

Find SOME form of exercise that I enjoy. (Do they have fat chicks only dancing?)

Get my ass into gear and sign up for uni even though I am scared.

Never ever ever litter(I know I am a terrible person)

Guilt

2009-08-09T12:47:00.002+10:00

There is so much sad news floating around as of late.
Several IF blogs I follow have had terrible terrible news.
My friend's mum has just started chemo for advanced breast cancer.
I am finding it SO hard to reach out to here, that I just haven't yet.
I am scared, scared of saying the wrong thing, saying too much or not enough.
Every one's experience is different, for S this is the first family heart ache she has had to endure. That seems unlikely but its true.
For me, my mothers cancer was just another bump in the road.
A long road, less travelled.
Its so hard to see someone you love sick.
Seeing a parent sick is particularly hard because you see them as such a strong figure. Her mother is going to be sick, and broken. She'll be angry and upset.
She'll loose her hair, her breasts and possibly her self esteem in the process.

What can you say to that?
How can you in a way try and prepare someone for what you know lies ahead of them?
I guess the answer is you cant.
You can't tell someone they are about to see the worst, because they need hope that they might see the best.
You can't claim to know what it's like to walk in someone Else's shoes.
Even if you've walked in shoes that might be the same size and shape.
Sometimes you have to stand to the side of the path they are walking down.
Hold out your hands and say to them.

If you stumble, I will catch you.
If you need to fall apart, I will listen to you.
If you need to laugh, I will laugh with you.

For all the times I've travelled down a similar path.
I never realised how hard it was to be standing on the other side.
With baited breath you wait to find the right things to say or do.
But there are no right things to do.

Sometimes just knowing that people are standing beside you, is the greatest comfort of all.

All for believing

2009-08-08T23:26:00.000+10:00

Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within

I know you blanket your mind so much that I am blind
But I
I see you've painted your soul into your guard
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing

I need to know just how you feel to comfort you
I need to find the key
Let me in
Into your heart to find your soul

Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing

I'm all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within
And say you will be there for me to hold
When the faith grows old and life turns cold
When the faith grows old and life turns cold

So if you're cold I will stay
Maybe fate will guide the way
I believe in what I see and baby we were meant to be

Capable

2009-08-07T23:14:00.003+10:00

I've been thinking about B's comments.

Am I really scared of love?
Do I put a wall up?
Do I feel the need to stop people from loving me?

If I was to be honest. To hurt myself in saying this.
The answer to all of those questions.
Is yes.

Yes I am scared of love.
Why wouldn't I be?

Love has and always will be one of the most painful experiences you can go through.
To love someone gives away a peice of your sanity.

I don't mind living for others. But I hate others living for me.

I'm not gonna sit here and say I've loved and lost so many times.
I haven't.

Each time I've felt love it's been completely different.
Each time its made me question the feelings that came before it.

Is this the real deal?
Will this be it?
Do I want this to be it?

With love comes loss.
Loss is something I've had my fair share of.
Something I'm not willing to take lightly.

Call me sceptical. Or synical. Call me stupid.. I don't care.

Love has always hit me when I least expected it.
Each time I have learnt new lessons.

Love 1- Be true to yourself
Love 2- Sometimes you have to see yourself as others see you
Love 3- Sometimes love just isn't enough
Love 4- True friendship is the essence of companionship
Love 5- Follow your heart

As I look back, I marvel at all of the things I've learnt.
I know that being cold and synical won't help me to learn any new lessons.

I will continue to be overly cautious with my heart.
Because it's become a part of who I am.

That next love.. that's out there.. they'll except that part of me..
They'll except any shitty part of me.

Wont they?

The truth hurts

2009-08-07T20:59:00.002+10:00

My dad once refered to me as a little "fucked up" and "emotionallay unavailable"

Just now I was telling B this.

I made the comment that I am not "emotionally unavailable"

I am simply careful with the amount of love I give out.. Because once I love someone.. thats it. They are engraved in my heart forever.

His comment...

"We'll I'd tend to agree I guess"

My response " Excuse me, please explain"

"Well usally people who are relucant to give love to people, are also relucant to recieve it. I can imagine you putting a barrier up to keep people out"

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

NOTE TO SELF.

Stop letting people get to know you, they tell you awful things about yourself you'd rather not know.

A Okay

2009-08-06T18:47:00.002+10:00

Yup thats what I am.
No cysts.
Good lining.
Normal uterus.
Normal Ovaries.
ect ect ect ect

I was the last appointment for the day.. I waited 2 hours to be seen.
I saw sooo many impaitent rude people being rude to the nurses and complaining very loudly.
Tell me people, what does that achieve?

The public healthcare system in this country is good.
If you've gotta wait and your not going to curl over and die in the next 5 minutes then shut up and read your book.

oh she also said its not rare for periods to become extremely light and almost non exisitant while on the pill.. I kinda knew that..
It doesn't bother me so i'll just keep going with what I am doing.
Not really fussed.

Other than that, work was busy.
A guy who has worked for us for 50 years is retiring this month.
It feels weird, he's the guy who hired me.
He is also M's grandfather, he is a really sweet man.
He'll be missed.

Wow I am tired.. I don't have the energy to shower but I must.

I can't believe tomorrow is friday.

Becoming forgetful in my old age

2009-08-05T20:29:00.003+10:00

I am becoming forgetful in my old age.
Normally I have a fantastic memory..
I guess i still do with some things.
Following the tests I had at the hospital last month and when I saw the doctor.. I have to go in for a follow up.
Turns out.. THATS TOMORROW.
I haven't even asked my boss.. and even though he's an idiot..
He is good with shit like that.
So i'll be outta work 2 hours early (yay) just to sit at the hospital for 2 hours (BOO)
My expectation is that I wont get any kinda diagnosis.. thats fine with me really.
Or is it.. im not sure.

I have been sleeping REALLY well.. its only taking me a short time to get to sleep which is great.

B and RM are working late togerther tonight... They are gonna call me later
oh how I love those two togerther.
so hilarious.
Worst bit about sleeping is that its 8:30 and I am struggling to stay awake.

Ahh advice required.. again

2009-08-05T15:35:00.003+10:00

I know I'm ALWAYS asking for advice but this one is pretty important and not something I want to stuff up.
As I mentioned in my previous post my friends mother has just been diganosed with an advanced and agressive type of breast cancer.

I don't know her mum.. EXTREMLY well. But we have met quite a few times she is a very friendly and kind person.
I'd like to do something.. or send something.
I know she'll be swamped in flowers, and cards to the point where its probably going to be overwhelming.
Chemo will be tough for her as it is for all those battle through it.

I found this poem online.
I was thinking about printing and framing it...

Remember when you heard the words -
and your mind went blank - you were in another world
God heals
Remember in your darkest hours -
when all that surrounds you is pain and sorrow
God heals
Remember friends' prayers - your family's encouragement
- glimmers of hope from everyday angels
God heals
Quiet...you can hear Him now -
always there - yet never this close
God heals
It's just another day -
yet everything has changed - and you hear yourself say
God heals
Birds are singing -
the sky is a beautiful blue - flowers are blooming...
God heals
Truths that you knew as a child -
awakened again with new understanding
God heals
Remember when others can't -
that life is a gift - each day to treasure
God Has Healed

I know her S's mum has faith... but I know in times like this people can be come angry and upset..
I am not sure if in doing this i'd be over stepping the boundary?

Believe me, its fucking WEIRD to be on the other side of hearing such terrible news.
I'm not used to this.

Some advice would be GREAT.

XX

Bad news sucks

2009-08-04T22:27:00.002+10:00

It really really does.
A few weeks ago I was at my S's friends wedding.
Everything was really nice.
I noticed S's mum who is 50 years old and uber sweet and funny.. she's one of the cool mums.. but still responsible and wise.. Well she knows how to have fun.

It was her daughters wedding.. and I know that gives her permission to be emotional.. But I just kinda saw something in her that day.
While I was outside having a cigarette with a few of her friends.. we started talking about how we're all gonna die.. one of the ladies commented that her mother had breast cancer and died when she was this age... then the next lady in the group said the same thing. Then I followed with the same thing.
It was a weird topic to just be brought up.. I thought it strange.. especially for a wedding. But I let it go.

Today we had like a dinner party with just a few friends.
My friend invited S but she was unable to attend.
I jokingly asked if she was pregnant again (she already has a son) my friend informed me that they were gonna wait a while.. and I was joking around " Oh she'll be pregnant again in a few months.. you watch"
My friend turned to me in the nicest way possible and said "nah shes got some stuff going on"

Instantly I knew what it was.

Breast Cancer.

The big C strikes again..right at the heart of a loving family. Of a strong and wonderful mother, daughter, friend, spouse.
I am pissed. Pissed for her.. for the pain she will have to endure.
The cancer is aggressive.
It has already spread quite alot to lymph nodes, so they are opting for chemo first and then i am not sure if she's gonna have a masectomy or not.

S's mum has just started chemo.. I am gonna reach out to my friend and her mum in a few days. I don't want to overwhelm them in what will be such a tough time.

I know I've been doing this alot lately but if anyone's got any extra prayers or good thougths saved up.
I am just praying that she has the strength to beat this once and for all.

A diagnosis!

2009-08-04T16:40:00.002+10:00

So dad went back to the specialist today.
The doctor suspects he has

Neurocardiogenic syncope
Also commonly known as 'A simple faint'
I guess in all serious-ness we could laugh?
This can be a serious a condition, they found a slight abnormality in his heart.
But I assume he wasn't listening... hmm...

A basic summary means, his blood pressure gets very very low when he is stressed, or dehydrated ect. So he faints. Not all people have seizures while they've fainted.
Its still obviously a concern that he blacks out for 12-13 minutes and appears to stop breathing and turn cold.

He will have a tilt table test which should confirm the diagnosis.

Dad will have to make some life style changes.. including.
Limiting alcohol, increasing fluid intake, eating at regular intervals.
If he contiunes to faint, and have seizures I am asuming he will be put on some kind of medication to help regulate it.

One thing that pissed me off about this is that its found to be genetic.
BOOO
I have an arythmia that they could never identify.
It was evident when I wore a heart monitor for 24 hours.
However it could not be induced.... and no blockages or problems showed on any cardic tests. So maybe Neurocardiogenic syncope is in my future.

Ha..
No I sound like im being sarcastic. I am extremely happy that he has been diganosed with something that is treatable and not a terrible dire diagnosis.

I am also happy that in 9 minutes I will cruise out of this place I call work and head off to have my eye brows waxed and my micro-derm done.
ahhh.. I will then take a chilaxed ride through traffic to my very good friends home.
We are having a small girls dinner party.
Wine, cheese, tacos and chocolate cake.

Can't wait to hang out with my girls.

I hope everyone is having a fine week.
Tomorrow is hump day.

*Crumps*