Thursday, April 23, 2015

I have no summary of my current feelings

I honestly can't remember a time when I have ever contimplated letting someone get this close to me. My inner thoughts.. my darkest times and some happy moments thrown in there for good measure.

I've journalled for close to 10 years maybe more. I've actually met some people that I would consider life long friends.. not close but we still keep in touch. But no one i've ever touched, hugged, kissed.. fucked has ever been on this side of the fence.... WELCOME.

I don't think I've ever met anyone who has instantly disarmed me like you have, especially recently. I am generally quite a guarded person and I was in the deepest and darkest place when I even contemplated letting you in.
I feel like you have so quickly become such a large part of my life, and an intergral part of my everyday happiness but not in a bad way. There is nothing about you that really scares me. well maybe the fact that your so scared of hurting me. That kind of thows me a little bit.
I can't even in a way describe how I feel.. I think on some levels all relationships can be somewhat disfucntional and at times bring out negative aspects of someone's behavour but I just don't get that with you.

I find it so funny how I feel like you've let me in so much but you still struggle with keeping me at a comfortable distance. I'm sure that will be a work in progress.

Its funny before you mentioned a reason, season or a lifetime. I honestly never look to the future too much. I feel like sometimes i've suffered so much loss that looking to the future and just imagining who i'd be without is such a scary thing for me. But the older I get im starting to realise that not everyone leaves and I can imagine my future more and more and I'm so happy to say that I see you there. I see the evolution of our friendship and i'm glad to say it doesnt leave me feeling anxious or sad i just have a feeling of calm.

Calm.. calm is what I need in this life for peoople to help keep me grounded.. and safe. It's what i've always struggled with.

There is so much more I could say.. So many more stories I could tell you.. But all I know is that I hope and wish and know that I can have many more adventures with you. But for the first time in a long time.. I don't want to write my feelings down. I want to express them with words and emotion.... maybe on a long ride down the coast... or maybe around a large bon fire while a little bit more than half cut... I don't have anything other to say than thank you... thank you for caring about me and making our friendship a priority when and where you can. It means more to me than you can probably ever know... but maybe. Just maybe..
I'll be able to show you.