Monday, June 29, 2009

As it Turns out...

WARNING TMI POST


Not giving a shit over the weekend.
Has given me the shits.
I knew that it was coming, I did the same thing 2 weekends ago.
Why do I torture myself with food?
I think it comes back to the whole control thing..

Wouldn't it be great if I was tempted to control what I DONT put into my mouth.
Rather than what I DO?

Yes if only life was that easy.

I shall be good this week.
Stick with my 5 peices of fruit over 8 hours.
Salad for lunch.
Meat/Chicken/Fish & a bit serve of veggies for lunch.

Must clense...
I was watching this show called "whats good for you"
and it turns out that clensing detox diets are actually terrible for your body.


So I wont be doing that anytime soon.

I need to practice my self talk again..
That worked so well when I was in therapy.
Must do it again.

XX



Sunday, June 28, 2009

Past, Present, Future

Dear 17 year old Caragh,
Your final year of school was one of the best of your life.
You were living it up, in a relationship that always made you happy.. but it wasn't so healthy. I wish you had studied harder in your final year. Your end results did not really justify the years you put into your school life.
I wish you had realised this at the time. You got yourself into a lot of trouble but it was always for a good cause. Standing up for what you believe in. I wish you had treasured these moments more because as you grow you sometimes get caught up in the politics of it all and keep quite to often. I hope that you treasured this year, and realised how lucky you were. I hope that all the little moments you experienced filled you with joy as they helped to sustain you over the rest of the years to come.
I wish you didn't doubt yourself so much.


Dear 22 year old Caragh,
Well hasn't the last 5 years thrown some massive twists and turns your way.
You have loved and lost, and then hit the rinse and repeat cycle and done it all again. Although none of these things make sense, they will seem to have greater purpose as you move through the course of your life. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Don't cut yourself to peices for what should or could have been. Everything happens for a reason, or so they say. Live that. Be proud of who you are, and keep your mind set on the things you want to accomplish. Smile and be joyful like you know you can be. Laugh and cry. Be a good friend, a kind daughter, a loving sister and a thoughtful colluege this things will help you through out your life.
Remember above all else to thy on self be true.



Dear 27 year old Caragh,
I hope by now some things in your life have changed.
I hope that you have done what you always dreamed of, and that you are in your second last year of this course.
Although its not something that burns through your veins, I hope you have travelled a little. Enjoyed some other cultures, met new and interesting souls. I hope that you took the time to listen to their stories as it will help you with yours.
I would hope that you have found someone. Someone who see's you for everything that you are, and everything that your not. But loves you regardless of that.
Be kind and paitent with those who are not with you. It makes them mad and will be an endless sorce of joy. I KNOW by now you are taking better care of your body, especially your mind. You will be less hung up on the flaws that you believe surround you and define you now. They don't. I hope that you have kept an open mind. I hope you live large, laughed lots and cried a little.
I hope that you will learn from the past, be hopeful about the future, and live in the present.


All my love,

Caragh

Daddy dearest

Promised me two weeks ago that we would go to the footy.
Well I gave him a call this morning and hes like
"we're not going"
Like it was nothing.
Seriously Dad, because you suggested 2 weeks ago that we go.. and now you've changed your mind.
Endless frustration.

I actually took friday off work so i could take his girlfriends daughter to disney on ice.
And seriously he can't spend half a day with me?
ARGH it makes me so angry.
But there is nothing I can do or say.

I wish he wasn't so full of empty promises

I don't give a shit

I'm having one of those I don't give a shit weeks.

I don't give a shit about work
I don't give a shit about what i'm eating
I don't give a shit that I slept all day and will tomorrow
I don't give a shit that i'm fat
I don't give a shit that i'm nuts

I literally, DO NOT give a SHIT about anything.

Seriously, I know I should just shut the fuck up and get over it.
But I can't.
Can't do it.
Brain wont allow me too just keep on functioning.

FUCK

Friday, June 26, 2009

History Repeats itself

When my computer went 'BOOM' a few weeks ago, I managed to lose all the journal entries that I had from my time at greatestjournal.com
I was pretty pissed, but realised it was probably time to let go of all the history there. A lot of good memories, but many many sad ones.

I had always inconsistently kept a myspace blog, when I was sort of in between.
I never posted anything too out there or extreme.. But I did post a few things that are still very applicable to my life now.

I haven't changed a whole lot, Yes i've grown but I still have the same insecurties and nutty quirks that I did 3 years ago. It makes me wonder if I'll ever change.. if the light will ever switch on and I'll be able to fix those things that are just that little bit wrong with me.

I've changed my blog a bit, I wanted another column! I did it all by myself (with the help of a tutorial no doubt) I also lightened the colours because my mind is feeling lighter at the moment. I changed my header too, I did it myself in photoshop.. It's a little hack, but its friday night and I am a lay-zeeee biatch.

Its a good thing too, because just after I finished I managed to download some virus and my computer went BOOM again.
I was able to use the windows repair feature and it un-installed photoshop and all the bugs.
I am so talented. HA.

And now I will share with you something I wrote many many years ago.. or so it seems.
All of which are still applicable.


Friday, June 09, 2006
Things that make me happy :)
1. Family

2.Friends

3. Sleeping in on the weekend

4. Working at hungry jacks

5. Spooning with muffin

6. Latte's with hazelnut

7. pay day

8. Sunsets at the beach

9. Driving with no place to go

8.When work isnt busy

9. Pickles!!!! <-----

10. Comfy Jeans

11. Warm Jumpers

12. good sex

13. my mums bacon and eggs

16. long late night phone conversations

17. quotes with meaning and substance

18.kissing

19. Laughing so much you almost pee <--- ALMOST


20. Running away, even if its just for a day

21. Playing cards with friends

22. Falling in love

23. Reading old chat logs

24.cold days on the couch watching movies

25. waking up to a warm room in winter

26. crying because im happy

27. bbq meatlovers pizza

28. random text messages

29. Seeing an old friend and reconnecting

30. going to sex shops

31. Slurpees

32. Musicals

33.Dancing around to loud music



X

Caragh

Friday Fragments- I've jumped on the bandwagon!

TGIF!
I've just got home from work, and I'm looking back on the week.
But looking forward to the future.
I am going to do a friday fragments post, I have taken the format from the wonderful
Alyssa

Friday Fragments?

Annoyance of the week: I work with a group of 9 other men. At times they can be a little dirty, most of the time though they are fine. They are mostly married with kids and are generally great people. However, I have recently noticed how BITCHY they are. They also talk, A LOT. Maybe it's just the ones i'm working with, but damn today they were EXTRA chatty, I was sitting there emersed in a spreadsheet and I couldn't concentrate with all the talk of fishing, and waterfalls.
I'm talking full blown 30 minute conversations in the middle of the work day.

Wisdom of the week: This week I have had to finally learn the hard way, that enough is enough. There is great meaning to the Patty Smyth song, and it goes a litle something like this;
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.


Love for others sometimes isn't enough, but the love you have for yourself.
PRICELESS


Funny moment of the week: Out of respect for MJ and the fact that he ONLY died a few hours ago, I have refused to be amused by the jokes going around already.
But I had to laugh today, when one of my collueges who is generally a very quite, but funny guy, came into the department wearing a white glove doing the moon walk.


Petty wish of the week: That my period would make up its mind. Is it coming or going?


Standout moment of the week: Finally for the last two nights, getting some good solid sleep.

Weekend plans: Friday night- not sure.. possibly a movie..
Saturday- RELAX
Sunday- Footy, hopefully. I'm optimistic dad will come home and take me.


And on a wonderful side note, I would like to send all my love out to
Bella & her fella, who just got there first BFP this week. I am so excited for her, and I think everyone should drop in and send her some love. Bella is an amazing woman, who has embraced me like many wonderful people from the IF community.
I am so appreicative of the love and support that this community offers.
I think I would have been lost these last few months without it.

Thriller

The king of pop has died.
As soon as I heard the news, I hoped with all my heart that it wasn't true.
He was too young to die.
He has young children who love and needed him.

Typically the jokes around my office have already started.
ITS TOO SOON!!!!

Does anyone realise his body would still be warm?
FUCK too soon.

Farrah Fawcett has also lost long her long battle with cancer.
She was a true icon, and seemed to be a beautiful person.

Although I know it would happen, I hope the media will realise that these are REAL people, with real families who have just lost loved ones.
And leaves them the hell alone.

One can only hope.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

its to early.. but

I told him.
Thats I new everything.
It felt so freeing to get it off my chest

And for the first time.
I slept.

very happy.
of course in a few days when im missing him..
I wont be so happy.
But I am proud of myself.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The hungry hungry hippo

That would be me today..

Seeing as i'm all up for sharing.
I will share with you how hungry I was / STILL AM today.



One Large Coffee



A Banana



A Mandarine



Another Coffee



Another Mandarine





Caesar Salad




Golden Delicous Apple



Another Mandarine



A Packet Of Chips



Double Strawberry Freddo




And um.. Another Mandarine


I would find this highly interesting if everyone did the same thing!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

100 Reasons

I had 100 reasons to be grumpy today.
Okay not 100 but a few..
No sleep
Late for work
No M to keep me company and help me with his therapy
Not a lot to do, but still enough to keep me busy

But you know what?

I was happy, yup me with my whole 4 hours of sleep.
I was happy, joyful even.

Sometimes I find my mood swings hard to take, but to wake up and still feel greatful to be here.. It was good. It was really good.

I am still so pleased with myself that I fixed my laptop.

Oh and I washed my hair this morning, and yeah WOW.
People please try the lovely hair mask that I kinda half stole/made up.
It worked a treat, my hair is so shiney and full of live.

I'm happy, woo yeah
And I'm even MORE happy..
That there is a vegetarian pizza in the oven just about to be done...
And that there is a pudding on the bench.

I am winning as they say..

Loves

X

You googled what now?

I know.. we do it.. we are all guilty off it..
We google extremely random and insane things that no one would ever have heard of.
But I must share some of the most recent ones;

luprongirl

Okay so I do kinda sorta get what lupron is..
But who is this lupron girl that you speak of?
Some kind of super hero?

what do you do when he's manipulated by his ex

Well lady, there is not a whole lot you can do.
Chances are if she's still manipulating him....
He's maniuplating you as well..
Hmmm now theres a though.

And last but not least

snap of uterus

snap? a uterus can snap?
Like just break in half..
Hmmm I'm not sure if thats possible..
But if anyone else can prove me wrong please do so.



Clearly its Sunday nights.
I don't sleep on sunday nights.
Well not without the assistance of medication anyway.
I am just NEVER tired enough to close my eyes..
I thought I was safe, waking up at 8:30 on a weekend.. but alas it wasn't to be..

I think I'm gonna go count chicken nuggets.
Yes I am ridiculously hungry..
Thats what AF does to me..

Sunday, June 21, 2009

ICLW

Hello to all my regular visitors
And to everyone from ICLW.

I am Caragh...
Rather than bore you with an insane ramble. (Because thats what most of my blogs are) I will bore you with a short story..
And then a quiz that will sum me up.

Step 1- Somehow corrupt windows and let your computer go bang
Step 2- Get really really angry
Step 3- Throw your computer under your bed and hope in the next week it fixes it self.*side note, it doesn't happen*
Step 4- Call HP late on a thursday night when you had ALLLLL day to do it.
Step 5- They walk you through all the tests, which take forever so they try and call back but they are still not complete.
Step 6- Finally realise what the problem is, and what needs to be done to fix it but now its too late and you can't call them back.
Step 7- Wait 6 days to finally call them back, work out you don't have the recovery disks because you didn't burn them... Pay $30 for them.
Step 8- Wait 4 days for them to arrive. Spend 4 hours installing windows.
Step 9- Increased frustration and your inability to connect to the internet through the already set up wireless network, because you know what the password is? dont you caragh..
Step 10- Accidently uninstall one of the critical wire-less adaptors drivers. Not knowing how to fix it you have to re install windows. AGAIN.
Step 11- Four hours later, you flick over the router in frustration to find instructions on how to find the password.
Step 12- 2.5 minutes later you realise you had the wrong password. Discover password.
Connect to the internet.

Sigh.. All in all what should have taken NO more than a week.
Took me a month.
Wow... stupid much??

and now onto the quiz...

Have you ever screamed in the shower?
I've fallen over in the shower before.. So yes.

When you're on the computer do you use your ipod or itunes/ limewire?
All of the above;

Who are the two people you talk to on MSN most often?
I barely use MSN anymore but it would probably be Big K

Did your last kiss take place on a bed?
No

Where is the last person you kissed?
I have no fricken clue.

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Nope. Just no. Please

Have you ever fallen asleep in a car?
Yes, many long trips.. I don't mind sleeping in the car.. apart from the sore neck that always happens

Who's hoodie did you wear last?
MINE!

Did you like anyone last summer?
I was fallin outta love with someone last summer

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
I have no relationship status, so yes.. that would be a big fat yes

Where were you last night?
At home being a loser.

Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today?
Not at all

Are you sleepy?
A little.

Last time you walked further than a block?
TODAY!!! I totally just realised I did a massive circle around the shopping centre today. WOOT exercise

Do you believe what goes around comes around?
Nope. Some people NEVER get what's coming to them.
Its a nice thought though.

Have a best friend?
Kinda

Do you laugh easily?
Yeah.. and loudly..

Are you generally a nice person?
I have the capabilities to be evil, I supress these feelings
I am extremely sarcastic, dry, obnoxious and insulting.

Has the last person you kissed, met your parents?
Nope.

Do you ever cry during movies?
Well beaches is my favourite movie so yes..
And I am a sucker for Rom-Com's.
SO SAD

Who was the first person you saw in the morning?
Some random person in a car when I left the house.

When was the last time you spoke to your sister?
I do not have a sister.. I have a sister in law almost.. so last week.
Yup that counts

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
mmmmm

How was your day?
Eh.. I had random bursts of happiness so it was okay.


Do you miss anyone?
Yes

Are you wearing jeans right now?
NOOOO

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
It really depends.. I'm okay talking about my feelings.. but not when they are directed at a person. I rarely tell someone how I feel about them.

Are any of your siblings married?
Nope but my brother is engaged. Scary thought.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a A?
Ally!

What was the last thing you drank?
Water.. I am totally trying to drink much much more water, and I am peeing like a race horse because my bladder isn't used to it.. But everyone tells me to stick it out.. so that I shall.


Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
Yeah, it sucks

Day been rough?
Not really.

Do you dye your hair?
Yes.. I wish I never wrecked it trying to change it though.. coz then it would be all me..

When you say you don't care, do you mean it?
haha never.

Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
Not really

Do you always wear your seat belt?
yeah, the seat belt nose in my car would drive me nuts if I didn't

Be honest who texted you last?
RM

Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
nope.

What did you do today?
Got up
Had pedicure
Washed car
Went shopping
Turned hair into a fruit shop
Watched tv
Made Dinner
Fixed internets


What is on your wrists right now?
Nothing. I dislike braclets and watches..
Please don't tell the two people who brought my watches this past year that.

Do you care what people think of you?
Sadly yes... I don't have a think skin, or a high self esteem..


Well people that about sums it up.
I'm just about to go do my ICLW rounds.
Because i'm lazy and I forgot.
I hope everyone had a GREAT weekend.
Sending everyone lots of good thoughts for the week ahead

Sunday Stupidity

First of all.. let me say..
I'am not a stupid person..
I just happen to always do stupid things.
I could list them all, but I'd be here for hours.

Anyway, this morning I woke myself up early on a weekend.
Shit.
Well maybe I will be able to sleep tonight hey!
I went and got a pedicure coz i'm pmsing and I wanted to treat myself.
I also had a late breakfast/early lunch.

While I had my feet under the dryer, I noticed how DULL and oily my hair was..even though I'd washed it yesterday. GRRR. Because my hair is blonde.. it shows up EVERYTHING.

I went home and got some more cash to wash my car.
Staring at my hair, I decided to pick up a hair mask on the way home.
Hmm NO i thought. I will google "natural hair masks" when I got home.

And so I googled.
I got a few good recipes.. I set off with a list of ingredients.
Once at the shops, I raided the fruit/veggies isles.

I decided because I'm an individual I don't like to follow recipes that would start with the base that I googled.. and add my own bits and peices.
Of course only stuff that was advised on other sites.

So I ended up with the base recipe.

1 Avacado or half depending on how long your hair is.
1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon of olive oil.

I decided for good measure I would add the following ingredients.

1 banana
1 teaspoon of honey
and a dash of lemon juice.

Basically you scoop out the avacado, seperate the egg, add the olive oil and mix togerther. I threw in the other ingredients and mashed it all togerther.

I applied it to my hair and wrapped in glad wrap.
You can leave it from 10-30 minutes.

I of course left mine for thirty.

I attemped to rinse it out of my hair without getting in the shower.
Epic fail.
I discovered that banana is NOT as easily rinsed as avacado.
So I jumped in the shower and attempted to get the junks of banana out of my hair.
ummm another EPIC fail there.

I didn't want to wash my hair with more harsh chemicals that have destroyed it in the first place.
So here I sit.. In the cold half painted room which is the only place I can get access on my newly fixed lap top!
Another fail.. ha

My hair smells like a fruit shop, but it is shiney and smooth.
If anyone wants to try this recipe, I would highly recommend it..
Even with my additions.

But please people, use a food proccessor...
Otherwise you'll be picking out chucks of banana for the next few days.

X
Caragh

Saturday, June 20, 2009

An Accomplishment

I don't think I've talked about this before.. So I'll give you a brief run down.
In February last year, I moved back out of home and into a share house with a some friends.. All seemed well at first.. I moved in to cover for someone else who had left.. essentially doing my friends a favour.
The house was huge, and about 8 minutes from work. It was in a nice area.. That's the one thing I really miss!
Everything was walking distance.
Anyway.. Things were okay at that point, I was pretty happy.
I generally got on with my house mates very well.
I don't remember HOW it happened, but I got into a massive screaming match with one of my housemates.. also a good friend of now almost 10 years.
Basically she said she wanted me to move out.
I was like yeah whatever I'm upset.. but I was fine.
That week I packed up all my stuff, and was ready to go back to dads place.
The house was big and didn't have central heating.. it was the dead of winter..
Freezing. I brought a shitty little heater and would put it under or near my bed to keep me warm on those very cold nights. I'm a very clumsy person and I would occasionally knock the heater.. ouch..

One night I went out to dinner with my dad.. had a drink for the first time in ages. Came home and about about 10:30.. I fell asleep.
An hour later I woke up.. just as the side of the bed I was sleeping on set on fire.
I was in complete shock and awe. The bed was on fire.. Soon the whole room would be on fire.. Everyone was in the house.. I ran to the kitchen and filled a pot with water. and then started screaming FIRE FIRE.
Everyone woke up and tried to get out of the house. They all got out.. but me and one of my other house mates eddy.. Tried in vain to put the fire out while the others called the fire brigade. Realizing we were getting serious smoke inhalation.
We decided to bail and had no choice but to exit the house and shut the door.
In what seems like a life time, two fire trucks turn up and within minutes.. but fuck that felt like hours. The fire is out. By this time I have hysterically called my dad. He has rushed over... I am devastated. I've got almost no clothes on. No shoes. All of my belongings are in the house. While the fire crew clean up and do an inspection. I vomit, and cough my guts up. I get into an ambulance to get checked, but refuse to go to hospital. ( Sitting in that ambulance cost me 400 dollars by the way)

Within the hour, I am back in the house and surveying the damage.
The room I was in.. it was pretty bad..
The carpet was smoke and water damaged.
So too a lot of my clothes. My computer was sitting under my bed had been sprayed with water. Same with my TV. The brand new bed was trashed. Crap.
I was really only concerned with anything my mother had given me.
A blanket she gave me was damaged but still okay, So too a hair dryer.. Something so small but I was upset.

I wasn't blamed by the fire fighters for the fire, they told me how lucky I was.. Within a few minutes.. I would have probably been dead in my sleep If I hadn't woken up. The fire alarm in the front of the house wasn't working.. It most likely wouldn't have woken anyone up and they too could have died.
The reason a lot of my stuff was saved was that it was packed up in boxes, when I move I use plastic containers... its great to see whats inside and everything is protected.

The next day as renters we told the home owners what had happened.
I've never seen a guy so excited about the fire.. Free renovations was on his mind.
In the end, he "fought with the insurance company" And I had to pay an $800 excess on the insurance.
I lost the TV, Bed, Computer, a few other random items.
I was lucky, so very lucky to escape.. not at all hurt.. (besides sore lungs)


Anyway that's the story which brings me to my accomplishment.
I had a dress. A beautiful expensive dress which I wore for my 21st birthday.
It was hanging in the cupboard, and got smoke and ash damage..
I assumed it was a right off.. waited ages to clean it...
When I finally tried.. it didn't work at all so i let it dry and hung it up.
I have a wedding that im very un excited about going to...
I don't really want to spend a few hundred dollars on a dress.. So I googled.. remove smoke and ash stains.;
I got a recipe.. and by George it has WORKED!!!!
It will take me a little time.. and it may not be perfect.

But I accomplished something.

And that's my story.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Strange-ness

PMS is kicking my ass.
I am so fricken moody.
I need it to go AWAY.
I'm due.. shortly well that's according to having no active pills left.
Shite, must get those.

I just realized that I have to have a pelvic ultrasound in a few weeks.
I completely forgot.
The doctor I saw scribbled, GYN on the paper...
I wonder if its gonna be a v-jay jay one..
o0o0o now im scared.
I am hoping its just one from the outside...
But at the same time.. i wanna know if there is anything going on from the inside.
BAHHHH
Scared.

I have a very high pain tolerance.. but but but but..
I just don't want anyone near my v-jay jay.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Self Discovery

I started off the week with a post about how much better I was feeling.
Its true, in general I am feeling pretty great.
A lot better than I was just a few months ago.

Today hasn't been a good day.
A few little things have bothered me quite a bit.
It's times like these my friends Psychology degree comes in handy.
He is able to talk me off the ledge a bit, and explain to me why I am feeling the way I am.
That might sound a bit crazy,but that's one thing I'm not great at.
Analysing my feelings.

I really wanted an early night last night.
I haven't been sleeping well, so I stayed on the phone to my friend B for a while to try and exhaust myself.
It worked, I fell asleep within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow.
The night mares i'm having are getting worse, they are so bad that in fact they are now waking me up quite alot.
They are bizarre and make no sense.
Last night I had a dream I stole my dads motorbike.
Insane, because although I like riding the bike is HUGE and weighs triple what I do.
I couldn't hold it up even if I tried.
The basic premise of the dream was me stealing the bike, having a great time riding it but then getting it dirty. My brother tells me that I should clean it, so I go out to dads car to get the cleaning stuff.. and the car has been broken into.
And all the wheels have been taken off and its been stripped.

There is no point in me trying to analyse this dream.. It didn't upset me but it confused me a hell of a lot. I know its got some meaning but I've just gotta let it go.
So there I was, up at 1:45am.. I sleepily check my email on my phone to see if "he" has sent anything. Nope nothing. Back asleep until 6:19am.. think about getting up for 2.5 seconds and nope back to sleep. Then its 6:45 my alarm goes off.. I hit the snooze button and fall back asleep til 7:15am.
I am late for work again.

This week feels like the movie ground hog day.
I feel like I will need this weekend to recharge & try and work out.
What I want.
Coz I don't know what I want..
Not about anything in particular..
But just life in general.

I've gotta make some hard decsions, and look deep into myself.
Before its too late.

Monday, June 15, 2009

1.5 Days

Thats how long its been since i've done any REAL work.
My boss is back from overseas and i'm finding it HARD very HARD to find things that I actually WANT to do.
There are all sorts of scattered random things I COULD be doing with this work day.. But I'm just choosing not to.
This is the first time in a long time, im enjoying not doing much at all.
On one hand, I feel so completely slack but on the other hand it feels great.
After 3 and a half years of working flat out.
I am finally able to go at my own pace.
I can spend 2 hours playing around with awesome looking txt's in photshop.
Without feeling a WHOLE heap of guilt.
Believe me its still there.

I am expecting my recovery disks tonight.
I hope they just got delivered into my mail box.
Seriously and not to the post office.
I have missed my lap top terribly. Not being able to read and reply to comments as much as I'd like.
I am sad that my comptuer will have to be reformated.
I will loose 3 years of journal entries. But I need to move on from the past I guess.
It doesn't do many any great deal of happiness reading through some of my darkest hours.
Still it was nice to have it here.

I have a full 4 weeks of paid leave in the bank.
It feels nice to have it, with still 10 days owed for the rest of this year.
I am wondering if I will plan some kinda holiday anytime soon.
Nothing to great.. I don't have the cash for that.. YET.

Well photoshop is calling.

Hopefully the guys will have finished the cost roll ups from our china factory so I'll be able to get cracking on some work this arvo.
We'll see. I hate that my job so much depends on the work of others.
Drives me bonkers.

xxxx

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Stepping out of the darkness

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing."
--Agatha Christie


Its a typical Sunday for me, floating around the house. Watching TV online, listening to music but something inside me has shifted. That is what I wanted to share.

My dad was home this passed weekend, on Friday night we went to the football. It was nice to spend some time with him alone again, like the good old days. Even if we were standing in the freezing cold for 4 hours. Totally worth it.

Saturday brought new challenges, took myself out for breakfast and came back to dad asking me the question. "which do you want, backyard, shed, or laundry"
I called laundry, I perceived this to be the easiest room in the house to clean. Boy was I wrong.
When I got in there and started to clear off the shelves. I realized that the walls were dirty. I mean REALLY dirty. Old me, would have pretended like she didn't see the dirty walls. New me... not so much. As I dragged everything out of there, and started the long process of washing down the walls I felt calm. I couldn't believe how dirty it was. Wall cleanliness hasn't really taken top priority in my family for the last three years.. With everything that's happened.
15 buckets of water, three lots of mop water on the floor, I began to stack the items back on the shelves. Minus the junk.
I was proud, but seriously. What had I accomplished? A clean laundry
That's it. Nothing super, or splendid. Just a very clean laundry.

After 3 hours of cleaning I was a little tired. Yeah the lexapro still does make me tired. So I went to have a little nap. As I layed there falling asleep. I thought about what I'd just done. Normally when I climb into bed for a weekend nap.
I am tearful, sad, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Just not wanting to exist for a few hours.
But not yesterday. Nope.
I WAS TIRED.
That was it... It felt so freeing to know that for the first time in a long time.
Nothing was bothering me. I was completely calm and in control of my emotions.

To know that I am making my own decisions, because I WANT to make them. Not because I feel I HAVE to.
It was magical. This may sound like such an exaggeration. I feel better, I really really do. I feel SO in control. Like my depression doesn't have it over me anymore.
Last year this was the point where I threw away the meds without doctors advice.
We know where that got me.. back to square one.

So I will continue on the journey that I'm facing, not everyday will be easy.
But not everyday will be hard.
I am calm & in control of how I feel.

This feels amazing.

Friday, June 12, 2009

show me the way to go home.. im tired & I wanna go to bed

Thats a song actually.
Well its more of an old school ryhme.

I am so shitty today.
I stole my friends stressball and I wont give it back.
I have NO motivation to work and thats shitting me to tears.
Because I like working.
Working is good for the soul.
I am sooooo sleepy.
ARGH.
I think I will head straight home & have a nap.
Gonna need it.

Cranky Pants

I have my cranky pants on this morning.
Everyone is being so LOUD.
I hate it.

Baby sitting went well, Chloe is a great little kid.
I brought her a "beados" kit.
She was very excited.
Basically you put these beads onto a tray in the form of a pattern, spray it with water and it all sticks togerther.
You can make stars and butterfly's and fairies.
She loved it and it kept her entertained.
She goes to bed at 8pm, didn't even have to ask twice.
I layed my fat bum on the couch for a few hours.
I was so tired driving home, I was thinking so much that I almost missed my exit.
Then I couldn't sleep. Again with the thinking.
I wish my brain had an off button.

In other news, I'm exceptionally proud of myself.
I've managed to have quite a bit of money left over from last months pay.
YAY.
So I can put some more money into savings.
I'm probably gonna go to the footy tonight, and then I'll try and finish some of this painting that I need to do.

I hope everyone has a nice day.

X

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fakes, Frauds, Fruit Cakes

I've recently seen into the scandal that someone created a FAKE pregnancy and termnially ill child.
I don't know a whole lot about the story, but it makes me SICK that someone would think that this is acceptable behavour.
I don't care HOW fucked up you are, praying on the vulnerable & caring blogging community makes you an extremely SICK person.
This person seriously needs to have there head examined.
I feel so terrible for the kind people who got played by this insane scammer.

Being new to the community, and not being a relevant IF, TTC or Family blog sometimes makes me feel out of place. But I have been accepted by the wonderful people, they have embraced me despite our differences and I am SO thankful for the kind words they leave, and the stories they share with me through their blog.

In other news..
I've been struggling with my weight again.. I've managed to put on a lot of weight over the last hmm I guess almost 18 months since I was at my lowest.
I don't exercise, and I dont eat enough of the right foods.
I'm trying to make slow changes, rather than dramatic ones that make me crave the wrong stuff.
I've come to the conclusion that alot of the reason why I eat bad things is because I can control it. Everytime I shove a big mac down my gob.. I KNOW its not good for me. That in a few hours i'll be HUNGRY again. But I do it, because its something I have complete control over. Its my choice to think about it, get in the car, go and buy it with the money they I earned.
So many things in my life have happened that have been behond my control.
The abuse I suffered, the illness i've witnessed. I've been POWERLESS.
Sometimes having control over what I eat, seems like the only steady and consistent thing I have in my life.

As I again battle depression, I find myself torn between knowing what is good for me. And holding onto the last thing I've got power over.
I've realised, recently that I don't need any of this junk to make me feel full.
If I take some time, and surround myself with positive thoughts and things that are good for me. Its alot easier than it seems.
It's not that I'm never going to shove things in my face that are bad for me, but i'm reducing the chances of that happening.
No toasted sandwiches, rolls, or mc-muffins in the morning.
I get my bag full of fruit and as soon as I get to work I have my banana.. then like clock work 2 hours later I peel back the skin on my mandarine.
By the end of the day, I've eaten my fruit and I feel better for it.

Planning my meals is harder, most of the time I'm cooking for one.
My brother fends for himself. I've tried to get a recipe base together which allows me to simply reduce the quantities of what I'm going to cook, for it to still taste the same.

For example, on Tuesday I got togerther and picked out 3 things for the week.
- Home made pizza, quick easy and veggie based. Was able to have that for lunch yesterday.
- Mushroom avacado, bacon pasta.. yup I added bacon.. but I only had a small serve and man it was good and fresh.
- Chinese fried rice- I was going to make this tonight, but I'm baby sitting so instead of letting the veggies go off. I made two dinners last night and I am having the rice for lunch.

On monday morning when I'd had my weekened binge, I got on the scales.
I was not happy with what I saw, even less happy than normal.
When I got on the scales this morning. It read 1.8 kilos or 3.9lbs than it did on monday.

I know some of this is water weight, I know some of this is just daily stuff.
But it made me feel better, to know that even though I'm not making any DRAMATIC changes. It's making a difference. Overtime if I can slowly adjust my habits, any weight I lose will hopefully stay off for longer. Or permantely.

As for fruit cakes, well that's with regards to dad's girlfriend again.
I so don't like her, and the way she was bragging to my dad about having made no progress with her meds, or her shrink.
Her depression scale has gone from a 2 to a 4.
Thats not something to brag about.
She should go away yes?

Agreed.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

XX

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My Boss Is Back

Boss, seriously he shouldnt even be called that, he's such an idiot.
For some reason he's made several sexually inappropriate comments this morning.
You can tell he's spent the last few weeks surrounded by men.
He frustrates me, too NO end.
I can't even explain how stupid he is, how distracting and incompetent.
I probably sound mean, but its the fucking truth.

My dad called me last night and put on his "I need to ask a favour voice"

He needs me to baby sit.
I've managed to avoid dads girlfriend, and her gorgeous little girl for a few months now. I just don't feel like im ready to invite them into my life.
None the less, just because I think her mother is a raving lunatic..
I don't have anything againts chloe. She is a great little kid, not hard to look after at all. She is very full on, so she falls asleep early.
The only annoying thing is they asked me to baby sit on a Thursday night.
Wouldn't be a problem, if they didn't live so far from me.
Dad insists I can stay in the spare room, and leave from there to go to work.
But I think I'd rather swallow razors than spend the night there.
It just hurts to much still, to imagine my dad laying next to anyone but my mum.

I'm really looking forward to dinner tonight, I'm making.
Avacado, Mushroom and Bacon Pasta..
YUM.
Last night I made home made pizza. Which is also awesome.

Blah I'm trying to help out one of the guys in the department.
I better get BACK to it.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

ASSHOLES

This isn't about one particular asshole.
Although I have a few in mind.. But it's just about assholes in general.

Those type of people, who recieve pleasure from making other peoples lives difficult and they include;

*Bad drivers- Ya know the kind that tail gate, cut you off, change langes without indicating, sit in between 2 lanes, drive aggressivly for no reason.

*Terrible Work Mates- I suffered at the hands of these bullies for FAR to long.
I am the youngest person in the entire company. I started here when I was 18.
This made me a HUGE target. At first, everyone was pleasant I was the new kid.
Then they realised that hey, I actually LIKED my boss. So insued bulling from here.
Under the breath comments, extreme and un provoked attacks. Every little thing that I did, or didn't do wrong.. I was hounded for.
Normally I'm one to always stand up for myself, but in this case being surrounded mostly by people who are older than my parents. I was intimidated. They made work unpleasant, helped me to cry daily, and said some of the most disgusting and uncalled comments i've ever heard. Needless to say, since I've changed departments and stepped up in the world these people are nicer to me than EVER before.
God thats the most frustrating thing of it all.

*Nasty customers- I've worked in a customer serviced based jobs for a long time. First in fast food, where I was berated by angry customers and nasty parents(I used to host childrens birthdays) for everything not going to plan.
I now work in an industry that is MALE dominated, I used to get the old "oh darlin put me on to one of the boys ya don't know what your on about"
But once I actually had a VERY rude man, whom I had actually HELPED mind you.
Who said "Listen just put me onto a man NOW"
Just like that, only ruder.
I did what he told me too, but NOT before I muted the phone and yelled out to our tech support department not to help him at all.
Thats a win for the ladies right there.

So tell me if you would.
What kind of assholes do you come into contact with?

I need to stop offering myself bribes

I bribe myself.
Constantly.. with food.
It's got to a point where on the weekend I ate SO much junk.
That I am literally sick to my stomach this morning.
I'd been doing pretty well, making small dinners for myself. With veggies, ect.
I'd been having 3-5 peices of fruit per day, and drinking as much water as I could stomach.
But that ALL came crashing down this weekend.
Between being too lazy to cook on Friday, to bored to cook on saturday, a little under the weather on sunday.
I ate so much junk that I made myself sick.
It's not that I didn't WANT to eat good food, its just that eating good food required me to put on something other than ratty paint covered track pants, or get out of my PJ's.

So I'm detoxing this morning.
I've had 3 peices of fruit, and a big bottle of water.
I can't do this too myself.
Its cruel, and stupid.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Epic Fail

The painting of roof's is SO not my thing.
It looks like someone threw up on the roof.. with white paint mind you.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Why do I agree to do stupid things like this.

I'm off to sulk and watch the view.

*Update

I sucked it up... let the paint dry and saw that I didn't do a half bad job.
Fixed up some of the patchy bits.

Ouch though, I went a little hard with that rolled and i've hurt my shoulder.
Whoops.

Oh a source of a amusement..
As I woke up I saw my brother leaving the house..
I turned around to see a lovely young lady doing what I guess could be called the walk of shame.
She actually had her face down as she was walking out.. so either she was ashamed, or hung over.. Or both.
My brother is not like that.. hes not one to have girls home.
He's the guy who is the girls best friend.
And when the asshole boyfriend cheats on the girl for the 10000 time my brother is there to pick up the pieces.

Is it just me.. or does anyone else thing toilet papers with designs on them are a bit too much.
I mean I'm all for 3 ply, 4 ply, hell I'd use 10 ply if it was available.
But really do we need sea creatures on our toilet paper.

I'll give you an example.
We have a brand in Aus, the the poster child for the brand is an ADORABLE golden lab.
Here I'll show you;






Anyway, see look how cute the puppy is.
So one roll of toilet paper, actually had the cartoon puppy on the paper..
And he was rolling around being all cute and playing with rolls of toilet paper.
I could NOT USE IT!!!
I just felt sooo guilty.

So that's a weird little thing about me.
Tell me something weird about you??

If your lazy and you know clap your hands

*claps*
I'm lazy, seriously lazy.
I have a room filled with painting supplies.
Yet I HONESTLY can't be bothered.
I also need to put on a few loads of washing.
Again.. can't be bothered.

Long weekend's are kinda a crock.
Tomorrow I have one more day, before my boss comes back from overseas.
BOOHOO
But my big boss, we'll he's on holidays for 2 weeks which will give us a great chance to finish of one of our major projects before he gets back.
SWEET.

I'm hungry, but I should totally not eat junk AGAIN.
But I want to ya know, stupid lexapro makes me crave bad food.

Why do hang nails hurt so much?
I managed to rip one in my sleep last night and seriously it tore half way down my finger. OUCH.
I'm a little scattered today..
But happy.
Very weird.

Well I seriously must get something done!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Life is like a box of chocolates

You never really know what your gonna get.

I find this to be very true.
So Saturday night, I picked up my friend and we headed into the city for my friend Sarah's hen's night.
Sarah used to be a bit of a crazy character, but 2 years ago she met a boy, fell in love... got engaged.. became pregnant.. had her son and is now in 4 weeks getting married.
Nothing will make you feel like time is passing two quickly, when someone you've known since you were 13 is making plans to walk down the isle.
Sarah is young, no doubt about it. But she has a strong character, and a supportive family. A loving partner, and a beautiful son.

The night was meant to be a little boring.. unlike how sarah used to be.
The night was planned by her soon to be sister in law... we met at a very nice bar and restaurant.. We had a few drinks and settled down to a seafood buffet.
Yum. Much better than I expected.

I wasn't drinking, but afterward we headed into the casino.. Sure take the girl with the gambling problem to a casino.
The girls went into a "club/bar"
For the most place, this place was filled with white trash.. I'm sorry to be so harsh but half naked drunk chicks, is not my idea of a great Saturday night.
So I went off to play a few rounds of black jack. I was down to my last 10 dollars, but then somehow managed to turn that into 200+ so I cut my losses(woo hoo) And went in to have a dance with the girls.
My friends are amazed with how stupid I can still act despite only having had one drink. But I think my robot impersonation was awesome.
At about 12 we decided to head home.
I dropped my friend off at home, not before we spent the whole trip talking about just how in love with her partner she is.
I'm so glad she has found happiness, and despite what people may think about the huge 24 year age gap.. they seem to fit so well together. They make each other happy.

Today I woke up full of beans, ready to start painting the spare room. I filled some of the holes, sanded them back. Re filled them coz I sanded too much.
In the end, I got extremely impatient, and pulled out some undercoating for all the dark trip. I did a craptastic job. I planned to take a little nap... but it turned into a long nap ha. So tomorrow I will start on the roof & walls.
My dad suspected it would take me longer than two days.. I'm just not at all graceful with a paintbrush.

All in all, I had a great night out with the girls which was a surprise.
And although I am a little disappointed with my efforts on the spare room.
I know I can get much accomplished tomorrow.
Well I better run, a few of my favorite shows are just about to start.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend!!
XX

Friday, June 5, 2009

Cancer hell # 2

I told myself I wasn't going to write about this til I was ready.
After finishing "My sisters keeper"
I am ready.

Shortly after my mum was diagnosed, My aunt passed away. She was 43 years old and had been battling cancer also. She was in so much pain, but in denial about her death. She was lucid, not with it... Her last words , were "air" as she took her last breath.

My mum was a trooper, when she was given between 3 weeks and a year to live. She said to the world, fuck those odds.
The treatment she was given was simple, chemo, radiation, chemo, radiation, chemo, chemo, radiation.
Followed by numerous medications. She had complications, blood clots. The chemo made her sick obviously, but it also made her well, in between cycles she would bounce back.
I dont know many people who've lived long with 13 metasitized tumors, that would never shrink with treatment, but they wouldn't grow either.
The first few months brought calm.
After my grandmother died in december, all hell broke loose.
I had just broken up with my girlfriend at the time, noticeably devastated about my mothers impending death, I decided it was a great idea to finanically fend for myself and take a full time job and so I did.
I struggled with deep depression at this time, I found it hard to enjoy ANYTHING. From food, to music, to any of the little things in life that you just love for no real reason.
One day I was in a mood, my mum asked me a question. I didn't immdiately respond. She snapped. 13 Tumors.. i know again with the numbers litterred through her brain, made her do stupid things. Including come at me.She pounded away at my face, I shielded my face the best I could. She still had strength. I refused to defend myself until she went to the kitchen draw and took out a knife.
"GET OUT " she screamed, I never want to see you again get out.
My dad was home at the time and was noticeably shocked.
So what do you do, dying wife or troubled daughter.
yeah, wife.
I think you should go.
I packed some of my things, mostly things for work. I had to keep something consistent in my life. Off I went.
My friend A had just been kicked outta home, she was staying with a friend who had a large rental property with several rooms. The day stayed there every few weeks. I went into there not knowing what to expect. I cried my pour little eyes out. Not understanding what I'd done wrong.
It's not her, its the cancer. But its hard, abuse like that is hard to take.
Not the physical abuse, the emotional abuse. The words that came out of her mouth stung me like 1000 bee's piercing into my soul.
Fuck what now.
I lay awake on the floor of that 2 meter by 2 meter room. Not knowing what I would do next.
The fight happened to fall on the Sunday, 2 days before my birthday.
I heard from my dad, and he said they wanted me to come home to discuss what had happened.
I was given a porcelain doll for my 19th birthday there was nothing less in this world I could have wanted, I know.. I know it sounds greedy a gift is a gift. But I hated it, my mum was an impulse shopper.. and during her illness she brought some of the most random shit you could ever find.
That day, my birthday the asked me to move back home. Saturday I was around at the house packing my things.
Moving out of that house was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Probably will be one of the hardest things I will EVER do.
I look back now, and can thing of all the regrets I should have. But I don't.
I missed spending every last spare minute of my mothers dying year.
But I also made that sacrifice in order for our relationship to be salvaged.
I didn't want to fight with her, but the truth is.. I was still a teenager.. her only daughter. I didn't know how NOT to fight with her. Even if I tried not to, when I didn't respond to something, or spoke in the wrong way. Fight. Physical, emotional.
I couldn't do that to her, I could do that to our family.
I am convinced if I lived there, she would have died much sooner than she did.

I cant say I wasn't bitter about living out of home at such a young age. In the middle of the night, I'd wake up not knowing where I was. I hated that. I still hate that if it happens to this day.

My mothers cancer progressed, and stopped, progressed and stopped.
The second the chemo left her body, there it was.. Cells building, dividing. Trying to conquer her. Tell her that her time on this earth was over.
Fuck that.

I know that a week after my mum was diagnosed, she could have rolled over taken some sleeping pills and died. The reason she didn't was simply. Us.
We weren't ready to be without a mother, my father wasn't ready to be single for the first time in more than 25 years. She however knew the reality of life and death.
Every needle stick, every medication, every hospital stay. Was in no way to prolong her life, it was to prolong OUR life with HER.

In late august 2006 I was meant to have an operation.
To cut a long story short, the operation was canceled.
Devastation ensued, as we knew my mum wouldn't be around when I had the operation.
She would never get to see my perfect new bite, or my teeth without braces again.
The day I found out, I left work in tears. I crawled into bed with my mum and cried. She cried too. "I'm sorry, im so so so sorry" she was lucid this day. Her mind was leaving her.. I knew something was up.
Within two days, she was in a medically induced coma in a terrible palliative care unit at a dirty old hospital. People came in to say there goodbyes. I remember the terrible perky and annoying nurse annoying all the terminal patients. If I was them, I would have killed her.. What would they have had to lose. (that may sound worse than it is, but my mum was a nurse)
I remember them trying to comfort me.. The words I know how ya feel are never any good. No matter how many dying patients they have seen. They are not my mother, I am not there daughter and they don't know exactly how i feel.

I sat by her bedside, and I prayed.. I prayed so hard. Just come back mum.. comeback. your not done yet. I know your not.

Two days later she was awake. Maybe it was a miracle, maybe it was the huge amount of steroids they pumped into her brain. We'll never know.

Within a couple of weeks, the treatment was coming to an end.
They had done all they could.
Mostly, when mum wasn't up smoking.. or eating.. man she ate SO much.. It was the steroids... but I loved calling her up and asking her if she'd have lunch.. then mentioning I might stop for fish and chips.. one day she said to me "oh sue came round and we had rolls for lunch.. but I could do with a piece of fish.. oh and some chips and a Dim Sim or two"

She slept alot, that was what the cancer did to her. A lot of the time she was alone.
Cancer is expensive.. my dad HAD to work to pay the Mortgage and the bills.
Most nights towards the end, when I had got over my phobia about looking her in the eyes. I would go over. Sometimes I'd crawl into bed beside her... Sometimes I'd sneak into her room and put my face close to hers to see if she was still breathing.

In October my mother wanted to go and visit her sister in another state for one last time. We were crazy to let a terminal patient get on a plane and fly alone to another state. But it was what she wanted.
While she was there, she decided that pruning a bush.. near a pond would be a great idea. She say's she fell, doctors said she had a stroke.
They found her in the bottom of an empty dam. Her ankle was badly twisted.
The doctors did scans and were so surprised she was still alive. They didn't know my mum. For a while, she refused to come home. But we begged and pleaded. She agreed.
My dad traveled over to get her, she was again in an abusive and irrational state.
If she had the strength on any given day, she would have kicked the crap outta my dad for things that happened 10 years ago. I don't know if it was the cancer, or she simply needed to get it out of her.

After the stroke she wasn't the same, she lost control of her bowels a lot of the time. She was sick, but she knew what was going on.. fuck she hated it.
We had palliative care organized to come in at home, but everything they made an appointment.. she would "be asleep" or not answer the door.

None of us wanted her to die at home, I don't think even she did. But she refused for the longest time to go into palliative care.
In the last week of November, with her time drawing near. She agreed.
She got there, 3 hours late on the 30th of November 2006.
I was at work as per normal, this may sound weird. But this is what my mum wanted, for us to go about her lives. She was selfless my mother. Nothing mattered much besides us kids. I saw her briefly on Thursday and Friday as she was soo drugged and so tired.
On Saturday I was in early in the morning.
I helped her out of bed.We went and sat outside and had out last cigarette together. Yes I know some people will whack me for having a cigarette with my dying mother, but whatever. We talked about my dog, Max.. Who she loved with all her heart. He was wandering around the house aimlessly without her. Max was one of her greatest comforts during her illness. Almost never left her side.
When we finished our cigarettes, my mum.. weary.. asked me to get the ashtray.
I put it beside her feet. During the past year, I had been working with young children and was trained to say "taaaa" when something was taken that needed to be returned. A phone, a block, a toy of another children.
I said "taaaa" to my mother.
"Don't fucking taaa me, I'm young god damn mother.. I can do it myself"
She dropped the still lit cigarette in the ashtray.
I put it out.

By this time, my dad had arrived.. Mum was getting back into bed and was in all sorts of pain. She was screaming. My mum didn't scream.. they gave her medication.. she vomited them back up. I knew.. she wouldn't want me to see her like that.. I briefly kissed her goodbye. Said I love you, and left.

My dad called me later that night to say she wasn't in a good way.. she'd slept.. and he sat with her for awhile.

The next morning at about 7:30 am I got a call.. "shes gone, her brain has stopped functioning" I didn't believe it, quickly I dressed.. I ran down to the hospital. There she was laying there, eyes closed.. not responsive.
For hours I sat with her, sang to her.. held her hands.. begged her to please come back. Its almost sad to think that singing out favourite song was going to bring her back. That night when I left. I knew it would be the last time I saw her alive.

I awoke suddenly at 6:45am, I layed there until 30 minutes later when my phone rang.
My dad insisted that I needed to go to the hospital to see her. Until that point, I didn't want to. I didn't want to remember her like that.
You have too. I struggled but knew he was right. On the way to the hospital we made a few calls, first to my mums sister. The only words we had were "shes gone" my aunt is not an emotional person.. the only words she could mutter was no.. okay.. I gotta go.. i just I gotta go.. And she hung up.

When we entered the room, we noticed immediately that all her things had been packed up and put to one side.
I clung to her, her body still warm. We all stayed there.. I don't know how long.. and hour.. maybe more. Only one of her friends wanted to come in and say goodbye.
The rest had all said their peice. I know my mum was fine with that.
When it came time to leave.. I asked for a minute alone with her.
Clinging to her, I let out a cry.. unlike anything I have ever felt or experienced before.
I will make you proud mum, I promise you.. above all else. I will make you proud.

My mum had half planned her own funeral, she left two options for just about EVERYTHING. Later that day, I know.. Same day.. we walked into the funeral home to discuss the service. It was brief.. I can't remember the details. They don't matter.
A lovely lady came to our house the next day to talk about mum,and to write up a speech. Two of mums friends would speak. She did not wish for us to speak.

But myself and my brothers girlfriend read her favourite poem


CLANCY OF THE OVERFLOW - A.B. "Banjo" Paterson

I had written him a letter which I had, for want of better
Knowledge, sent to where I met him down the Lachlan, years ago,
He was shearing when I knew him, so I sent the letter to him,
Just "on spec", addressed as follows: "Clancy, of The Overflow".


And an answer came directed in a writing unexpected,
(And I think the same was written in a thumbnail dipped in tar)
'Twas his shearing mate who wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:
"Clancy's gone to Queensland droving, and we don't know where he are."


In my wild erratic fancy visions come to me of Clancy
Gone a-droving "down the Cooper" where the western drovers go;
As the stock are slowly stringing, Clancy rides behind them singing,
For the drover's life has pleasures that the townsfolk never know.


And the bush hath friends to meet him, and their kindly voices greet him
In the murmur of the breezes and the river on its bars,
And he sees the vision splendid of the sunlit plains extended,
And at night the wondrous glory of the everlasting stars.


I am sitting in my dingy little office, where a stingy
Ray of sunlight struggles feebly down between the houses tall,
And the foetid air and gritty of the dusty, dirty city
Through the open window floating, spreads its foulness over all.


And in place of lowing cattle, I can hear the fiendish rattle
Of the tramways and the buses making hurry down the street,
And the language uninviting of the gutter children fighting,
Comes fitfully and faintly through the ceaseless tramp of feet.


And the hurrying people daunt me, and their pallid faces haunt me
As they shoulder one another in their rush and nervous haste,
With their eager eyes and greedy, and their stunted forms and weedy,
For townsfolk have no time to grow, they have no time to waste.


And I somehow fancy that I'd like to change with Clancy,
Like to take a turn at droving where the seasons come and go,
While he faced the round eternal of the cashbook and the journal -
But I doubt he'd suit the office, Clancy, of "The Overflow".


My mum never expected a huge turn out, the chapel was full.
I was surrounded by family and friends. But the only people visible in that room, were me.. my brothers and my father.

I was carried out of the funeral as I could no longer walk.
I had slept less than an hour the night before and was notably a mess.
We proceeded to the cometary, when we got there. One of my mums favourite irish songs was played. As her body was lowered down, the lyrics of "I hope you dance " played in the background. It was fitting, that's all she ever wanted for me too do.
My older brother, Matthew.. Who I had not seen shed a tear.. it was just his nature.. as he walked out of the room.. where we had said goodbye to my aunt, grandmother and mother all in the same year. He let out one cry, and buried his face into my dads shoulders. That was the last time I've ever seen him cry.

After the short wake at the cemetery, we headed back to our house.. People brought food and drinks. They talked.. played my mums music.

After about 5 minutes, I crawled into my parents bed. I lay down on the very spot only a little over a week ago my mum had lay. The place where she spent so many of her last hours.The place we cried together.. me deep in her arms just as if I was in her womb. Then, for the first time.. In such a long time. I had a solid few hours of sleep. I woke sleepy, a few hours later. Just as everyone was leaving.

It was that moment, when the last of the visitors had left the house.
That we began our new journey.
I began my life, as a motherless daughter.
With one soul ambition, hope, dream, goal... aspiration.. whatever you want to call it.

Was to make her. So very proud of me.

Part 2 Coming soon

After my cancer hell part one story last night. I felt very liberated.
I tossed and turned for a few moments then fell straight off to sleep.

I need to right more, about the weeks after my mums final diagnosis.
I also need to write about my dad a little more.
So cancer hell will come soon. I just need to be in the right frame of mind and do it justice.

I had a fair bit of work piled up for me at work.
Nothing HUGE. But all little things. They took me right up til 5pm to finish.

I am looking forward to this long weekend, and doing something constructive.
Like painting the spare room. I can only hope that my dad comes home on time tomorrow so I will have a few hours to get started before my friends hen's night.

I've decided im not going to buy something new to wear, just pick something old out of the wardrobe. Sex up my hair, make up and hope for the best.
I don't know where the night will take us!

After work I took myself out to dinner, I was going to see a movie but I decided not to. I wanted to come home and read my book.
Of course I got caught up on the interwebs, reading blogs and watching TV shows online I can't watch on TV.

But I'm going to finish before I head off to sleep tonight.

I'm glad my mind is clear for the first time in a few months.
I do feel normal, not like im riding a wave that's about to crash down into the bottom of the ocean.
I'm just floating, effortlessly..for the first time in a while.
I know that I deserve to be happy, but sometimes I still struggle with that concept.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Cancer Hell

I don't know why I had the sudden urge to write about this.
Probably because I'm reading my sisters keepers, the book explores the story through different characters eyes.
This is my perspective:


November 1996. I woke in the middle of the night to hear the shower in my parents bathroom going, I could hear my mum short of crying out in pain. A dull cry nothing loud. She wasn't trying to be loud. My mother could handle pain, she had 3 natural child births, my brother came out almost sideways with no stomach wall. Yeah ouch.
I was 8, grade 2. Old enough to know I'd never heard my mother scream like that, but young enough to have no idea why.
What followed was a series of tests ordered by a GP. One afternoon my mum picked me up from school, she informed me that we were going to the doctor so she could have an ultrasound. Again the young part of me thought, ULTRASOUND= Baby.
We made our way to a small private hospital, I was aloud in with mum. I remember sitting there and holding her hand. She squeezed so tight, I thought my hand was going to fall off. I stared at the screen magically hoping for that little sibling I had always wanted to pop up on the screen.
What they found was a tumor.
The medical system in Australia in my opinion is good. Within a few days , my mums tumor had been biopsied. On the way home from school my mother explained that the tumor, which was attached to her right kidney was indeed cancer and had to be removed.
I knew what cancer was, my cousin had cancer but was in remission at that time.
Mum explained to me that although it was major surgery, she would be layed up for a while but would be fine.
Then came what i then thought was terrible news.
I had to move schools. We had moved a few years before that, and had a school about a 1 minute walk from our home. We continued at the old school because my brother was older and graduating he didn't want to leave. Every morning, mostly after working a night shift my mum would drive us to school. But she couldn't drive me anymore, my brother was only a few weeks out from finishing. A family friend would drive him until he finished, but it was in my best interests to leave school a few weeks early to adjust to my new school.
The day of mums surgery was the same day I finished up at my old school. I remember the sadness leaving that day. My dad bribed me not to cry with a lollipop.
We headed off to the hospital.
My mums kidney removal was before the time of key whole surgery, she had a scar from the top of her ribs in her back, all the way down her stomach curved in a c shape.
When we arrived she was hooked up to monitors, drugged to the eye balls.
My brother and I as children stupidly started fighting about something, and with every ounce of her strength she yelled "get them out, get them the fuck out of here"
Later my dad explained it was just the drugs... I never believed that too be so.
I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle in the country for a few weeks as my mum recovered. I was a handful.. I really was... If she needed radiation or chemo it may have been longer. Thankfully she didn't.
The story as it has seemed like such a simple ending.
My mum was technically in remission for kidney cancer, and a few months on. Life went back to normal.

October 1999.
I was sitting in my room one evening listening to music. There was a knock on the door, in enters my mum. We had just returned from a girls trip to the gold coast. My dad had recently been retrenched and gotten a large payout. On that trip, anything I asked for I got... I mean anything. Each morning we would get up, go out for breakfast, go shopping. Just spend the day.. the two of us. Our relationship hadn't hit the rough patch yet... My parents weren't the richest of people, but they provided for us well. Still my mother was extremely extravagant on that trip. I thought it was because I was 12 and she was still dressing me?
I was wrong.
Mum sat down lifted her shirt and took my hand. She placed it firmly against the skin of her breast just under her arm.
"can you feel that" she asked.
I nodded.
" Caragh I have breast cancer"
I cant remember what I said, or thought or felt at the moment.
Something along the lines of..
Cancer? Seriously? Again?
Well you can beat this I said to her.
She looked at me, her eyes pained. And undoubtedly shook her head.
But just a little.
"how long have you known?"
A little while she replied.

Suddenly that whole trip made sense.
My mum was enjoying every moment with me on that trip because she thought it would be her last.
The next few weeks are a blur. Mum was booked into surgery, and a few days before we went away on our family Christmas trip. Everything was normal.
When I turned 12, I was promised a dog. We didn't have any fences but they had recently been installed. 3 days before mums surgery, I got Max.
Maybe they were trying to distract me. I remember my mum being distraught about me looking after the puppy properly, and shutting the bathroom door so he didn't drown in the toilet. Not her up coming surgery.

My mum had the surgery, a lumpectomy. Two lumps were removed. As well as most of the lymph nodes under her armpit. Out of the ones taken, only a few tested positive for the cancer. We all went to her meeting with the oncologist as a follow up, and she insisted that as a family we make the decision about her course of treatment.
I thought this was stupid, her body.. her choice.
Mum opted for the less invasive radiation treatment.
I remember asking her questions about it. Why it took so long, why her skin was burnt.. For the most part, mum did extremely well through the treatment.
She was tired... and like i said, so burnt. But she did well.

At the end of the treatment she was set on her way. Follow ups every year.

September 2005.
I was sitting in my room gluing Popsicle sticks together. I was bored. I had just had a fight with my girlfriend. I was 18, irritable and moody. My grandmother and aunt were both terminally ill. I heard mum scream from the laundry. Now my mum could handle major surgeries, child birth, radiation.. you name it. She could do it.. But if she stubbed her toe she would scream the house down.
I ran to the laundry and stood by the open door, she was standing but her body was shaking, jerking around.. before I knew it she fell onto the sink, then too the washing machine and then cold onto the tiled floor.
I screamed. She was completely unresponsive her pupils dilated. She had blood pouring from her mouth. I screamed for my dad who was on the phone with a telemarketer of all people. I knelt beside her, and screamed for someone to call an ambulance. By this stage my dad was trying to get the telemarketer to hang up and close of the call, so he could dial out. The bastard wouldn't hang up.
One of my brothers called an ambulance. Now all of us were completely hysterical. Mum was still un responsive but breathing.
Within minutes although it seemed like hours, the ambulance arrived. they gave mum some oxygen and she came around. She didn't really know where she was for a moment. We moved her out to a chair in the kitchen.. they asked her standard questions, her name... ect.. but when it came to the date she got the year wrong. FUCK.
A stroke? A stroke with a seizure?
My mum was very strong minded. She thought she was fine, she kept insisting the paramedics fuck off and let her have a cigarette.
She also found it quite insulting they were babying her.
Finally, I convinced mum to go to the hospital. My dad and I followed the ambulance and speculated what could be wrong. Mum was admitted straight in, and was acting strangely.. Almost like a child. "I don't want to stay here, I want to go home"
Please let me go home.. begging almost.
Hooked up to monitors the doctors explained that they wanted to run some tests but couldn't do so until the morning. Mum was adamant that she would not stay.. several doctors, nurses & my dad all couldn't convince her.
After stepping outside from a cigarette.
I took my mum by the hand and said "listen, I know you don't want to stay here. But I saw you have a seizure. You are not okay, you need some tests, and then tomorrow you can go home" She looked at me with puppy dog eyes. And reluctantly agreed.
I didn't sleep that night, not a wink. I awoke in the morning, to find my house almost empty. I trailed into the hospital, as I walked towards the bed where my mum was laying.. I saw some doctors eye me off with a look. That look.
My mum was sitting on the bed reading a magazine. "So I said, whats the news"
Mum looked at me with those same puppy dog eyes.
"Its not good" My eyes started to well.. They found some tumors in my brain, they think that's what caused the seizure and headaches she had.. By this time, my dad had shown up. I left my parents alone to deal with the news. I heard my dad cry. No no no no no.
I ran outside to get some air, and greet my brother and his girlfriend.
What happened next was swift, mum was to be transferred to another hospital. A better & bigger one for a biopsy. She spent the night there, but then came home Sunday morning.
When mum walked in the door, I was devastated. Her newly styled hair had been reduced to a raving mess. They had saved it off in places to attach disks where they would drill into her brain and get samples of the tumor.
Its just hair she said, just hair.
The next day was the biopsy, it was late afternoon but my mum wanted us to go about life as normal. I sat around the house all day, in the evening we got the call. The surgery had gone fine, but the results were not good.
Considering she'd just had brain surgery my mum was in a great spirits. The only thing that pissed her off was having to use a bed pan.
She was trying to get up out of bed and the nurse said to her quite bluntly "Alana you can't get out of bed, you have just had brain surgery."
She responded well hand me the bed pan and fuck off so I can pee in piece.
I remember holding that bed pan for her, and thinking.. Could it get any worse than this? yes.
By Tuesday morning, the results were in.
13 metastasized tumors in her brain. From her breast Cancer.
For the first few weeks everything seemed very calm. My mum was instantly at piece with knowing her cancer was now terminal. After all, she accepted this fate years ago.

I however.. Was not.

I wanted to continue more, but I'm exhausted.. And I've been writing for almost an hour.

XX

Gyno Report

So I got to the hospital just before two, I was sitting around the corner reading a new book I had just purchased- My sisters keeper.
I know I know.. I'm on the bandwagon a little late but I saw the movie preview and I thought dang I HAVE to read the book before the movie comes out and I wreck it.
When I got to the car park it said "CAR PARK FULL" FUCK.
Knowing full well my appointment would be running late, but feeling lazy.. I thought I'd wing it. 3 levels up I saw an awesomely nice lady who told me she was leaving.

Made my way up, registered.. checked my details and took a seat.
And I waited, and waited.. oh and then I waited some more.
Usually I'd get impatient but I had a book and it was a free public hospital clinic so I expected it.
I saw all types of doctors, come in and out.
I found myself PRAYING that I would get a female, I couldn't imagine having to explain my symptoms to a man.. let alone my somewhat lesbianism.
It was even hard with the doctor I got.
I don't know how anyone deals with a male gyno!

The waiting room cleared out and the person before me had just been called, a lovely lady came out and she was staring hard at the chart. A HA that's me.. She can't say my name. She calls it out wrong, and I go round too the door where she tells me.
Its obvious shes in demand because it takes her 2 minutes to get round to open the door for me because shes getting asked questions. Then 2 minutes in someone knocks on the door.
HA HA I got the good doctor woo hoo.
So basically I explain my symptoms.. she says that my GP probably jumped to conclusions with endo. Possible explanation could have been a harmless cyst that happened to burst a few days after my initial period. I also remember telling my GP of extended Pelvic pain I had been having before them. It lasted a few days, was very low lying and uncomfortable. Hmm She also said to me "I hope you didn't Google endo" and Nope i didn't thanks too the kind words and advice of many of my blogger friends.

In the course of my medical history, awarkward moment...
"Have you been sexually acititive"
My first response was no.. she looked at me funny.. I mean ahhh yes..
Shes like "ya know intercourse" Well yes, I responded.
I've had sex, but mostly with women.
Again.. awkward to explain.

Randomly I mentioned that I had one kidney that came up 5cm's shorter than the other.
She told me that the development of kidneys and uterus, ovaries ect could be related.
So its possible I have a funny shaped uterus and that could be the reason for the pain also.

So basically I am booked for a gyno and pelvic ultrasound in about a month?
Then I go back in 2 months to see her.

I know it doesn't seem like any great sort of action, but she also wants to see if i adjust to the pill ect.
So yes.
All in all very good news
HOORAY.

I came home and jumped straight on the phone to HP about my laptop.
I tried to run a few tests but they wouldn't work.
Right now I have it running some diagnostic tests and then im gonna call them back.

This weekend is a long one for us in Australia.
Friday night my dad is hopefully coming home and we are going to purchase some paint for me to paint the spare room.
We are planning on doing a room rotation to get all the rooms painted and fixed up.
I want to help him maintain the house so he'll hopefully keep it as an asset and not boot my out. Oh and coz I love him.

So Saturday I plan to paint, I also may have to go shopping BOOOOO I hate shopping.
For something to wear to my friends Hen's night which is that night.
I'd rather stay home and watch the footy.
I'm so NOT a girly girl... If I do end up purchasing a new dress. I sure as hell hope that I can still wear flats.

So Sunday will be recovery/more painting.

Wow I can't believe tomorrow is Friday, I will have a crap load to do...
But it will all be worth it so I make it through quickly to the weekend.

As for 'him' I know hes down lately. So down.. that he doesn't really like to talk on the phone.. which is unlike him coz he talks A LOT. He's a salesman, he's paid too.Yesterday I was sending a fax (yes old school huh) to a customer..
I saw his name on the fax.
I picked up a piece of paper, scribbled down a note that only he & I would understand and sent it off.
An email from him this morning said that i had the best timing, coz he'd been stuck in traffic and had a crappy day.
Small gestures like that I think make the difference.
Its something he's done for me on many occasions.
I'm happy with where everything is at, I see things in a positive light now.
He may be a loser, but he's my loser. I don't think I could ever get rid of him.. I know I've tried.. And that's probably because the stupid part of my.. doesn't want to.

Well im off to call HP back.
Hope everyone had a great day

XX

The down side of AD's

So I was wandering around the house.
Wondering why I felt so spacey.
So dizzy.
So shitty, when I'd just had a million hours sleep and felt very relaxed.
Jumped into the shower, and while in there remembered im about 5 hours late for my Lexapro tablet.
Thats the downside... Forgetting that your NOT NORMAL
And going about your daily life.
Well I better go take it before I have a shit fit or a brain spaz or something.

Sniffles

So I've got the sniffles.
I don't think I've got swine flu!
Well at least I sure hope not..
Because I'm off to the hospital for my gyno appointment today and I will infect everyone I come into contact with.

I don't know how but I managed to sleep like 12 hours +
I think I really was exhausted hey..

I am curious as to what the doctors will say today..
Possibly nothing?
Possibly do some test?
I think its unlikely they'll look into it any further.

Oh well if anything I did score myself a day off work
:)

Caz Happy.
Caz <3's all her blogger friends who leave her HEAPS sweet comments.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

As the world turns..

My good mate at work M.. his 16 month old son has just been tested for SWINE FLU.
He is probably going to have to go home soon, and be put into quartine.
So there goes all our urgent projects out the window.
Fuck fuck fuck.
In other news.. he sits right next to me, and we constantly pass peices of paper back and forward to each other.
So I myself could have swine flu.

I don't do this, but PLEASE pray that his little boy just has a cold.. and that all shall return to work ASAP.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Peaceful

"I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, and if each and all be aware I sit content." Walt Whitman

I woke today feeling strangely peaceful.
I am still having bad dreams, and not sleeping 100 % through the night.
I dragged myself up outta bed to face the day, it was cold.. I coulda gone without work today. But I did it.
Another small victory.

Although the whole ear and laptop thing bothered me.
It didn't reuin my weekend.
I came to work with a positive attitude, knowing that I will accomplish many small things this week.
Looking towards the bigger picture.

I have my appointment at ths hosptial on thursday re all those girly issues i've been having. I am almost certain that I will be seen briefy and then turned away. "come back when you really have a problem"
I contemplated not going, but I've decided A) I really need a day off and B) how stupid would I be, not to go. Even if they don't diagnose me with a thing.. Atleast I have put my mind at rest.

It was like this time that I had terrible stomach pain, they did the ultrasound & it took FOREVER and I've had a few ultrasounds in my time.
I fully expected to go in there and be told there was something seriously wrong.
Turns out all those urinary tracked infections and kidney infections I had as a kid stunted the growth of one my kidneys. It is approxiamely 6 cm's smaller than the other one. It's something I'll have to watch every now and then and just make sure its functioning. No big deal, but hey atleast I know.

I MAY call HP tonight if I have the energy. I'm under warranty, and I "Dont think" they can claim user abuse on my laptop, but we'll see.
I'm pretty sure i'll need a new motherboard or something.
So i'll loose anything I have on the PC which at the moment, is a few pictures that I can get from other sources and a whole heap of movies and TV.
Maybe my laptop breaking was god's way of telling me. STOP DOWNLOADING MOVIES AND TV SHOWS. Who knows.
I will also unfortunely loose my journals from 2005-2008. When live journals server crashed I managed to get in there and unload the enteries one by one.
3 years of history including the enteries during my mothers illness and death.
GONE. But I have a good memory, and alot of it was DARK writting.
So do I really need to be reminded of how unhappy I was? How depressed? How in love with people who didn't give a shit about me anymore.
Probably not.

But we'll see.

OH my brother drove me NUTS last night.
He was out in the louge on the computer, cackling like a chicken... BASHING the keyboard with his fingers and the TV blareing.
I almost thought about making alot of noise this morning to wake him up.
Another thing that annoys me, is that he always puts the dishwasher on when its NOT FULL, and puts it on the wrong setting so it doesn't clean well. He leaves the milk out, doesn't clean the bench well, coughs up in the shower(I know gross)
Blah, I sound like im complaining about my husband here.
But seriously after living with others for 27 years, you would think he would have a clue.
I pitty the poor person who ends up living with him in the future.
Because family are easier to tolerate and yell at, strangers or friends not so much.


Well this has been a seriously long entry full of nothing.
I'm off to get back to work.

Hope everyone had a GREAT weekend.