Hellllo Ladies

And gents.. but I dont think there are many of you around.
How are you?
Are you good?
I hope you are!

I am swell...
Still on my healthy eating plan.
7.6 Kilos or 16.72 Pounds lost in 5 weeks.
I had a slow week this week because I was bloated as hell, retaining water.
I managed to drop 6 hundred grams since last mondays weigh in.. but i'd actually lost 1.2 kilos or 2.64 pounds in like 2 days.
I am assuming (or hoping) that I'll have some more come off in the next few days.
I've been drinking 4 litres of water a day and my body was just holding onto it.

I hav been pretty good with my exercise cals, trying to get atleast 300ish a day.
I am doing a body balance class tomorrow, and a body pump class on thursday.

Apart from the weight loss, my mindset has significantly changed.
I am thinking ahead, planning meals.. being excited about eating good food.
I am still 42 days into quitting smoking which is also awesome, I feel so much better about it.
My speed and fitness has improved and I am PROUD to say.. that through out the last 5 weeks I have not had a binge day, where I stopped counting calories and just ate whatever I wanted.

So I currently weigh 89.6 kg or 197 pounds.
Which is still a lot dont get me wrong.
My next goal is 74 kilos or 162 pounds
Then onto 66 kilos or 145 pounds
and my final.. pie in the sky I really wanna get there..... DREAM is
60 kilos or 132 pounds!

I must admit despite feeling a little lonely at times.
I have had a fantastic weekend, and in general I am feeling on top of the world!

Hope everyone is as pumped about life as me!!

xx

Insomnia my old friend

For the last week? or more.. I haven't been able to sleep.
Its not like I want to be awake.. I just can't sleep.
At the moment its 1am and i've been awake since 8 normally i'd be dying right now.
I was so desperate last night that I randomly starting txting people because I knew it would get me thinking..
It took more than 2 hours for me to get to sleep.
But I forgot to switch my alarm off (day off) and I woke up at 6am
haha funny.. or not.
I weighed in this morning, officially has been 4 weeks since I started my weight loss journey.

6.9 kilos or 15 pounds.
I have really picked up on my exercise routine.
I walked 5k's today in an hour..
Last month I could barely walk 2 kms in an hour.
So I am making some very good progress.
The site that I am on has all sorts of cool features where you can log your exercise and calories for the day.
There are also forums, and I am part of a group with a bunch of women.. Very motivating.

At the moment not much else is going on.
I ditched what's his face again.
He is not a positive influence on my life..
He is so fucked up.

Nothing much else to say..
Cup day tomorrow..
Our city gets the day off work for a horse race..
I've always thought that was stupid..
Yet so awesome..


My thoughts and prayers at the moment are with the beautiful Bella, and Alyssa.
I do read all of your posts.
Love you both to bits

Right on track

So where have I been?
Defiantly still here, I am still constantly checking your blogs for updates.
I don't comment as often.. I think we all go through stages where we don't comment.

So what I am doing?

Well I am still on my mega huge task of a weight loss journey.

I've lost 5 kilos or 11 pounds in 3 weeks.
Not a bad effort.. I haven't been good with my exercise this week, so I had a little peak of a couple hundred grams.
Official weigh in is tomorrow.

A loss is a loss right?

I am trying to get my exercise on track, I've been really bad with it because of how busy work has been....

But I am in this for the long haul.
My aim is to reach my goal by 1st May next year.
Originally I had this very crazy goal, and then I realized I was setting myself up for failure!
Ummm i'll pass on that thanks haha.


I wish I had something interesting to say but I just don't.
My new healthy life style has pretty much consumed my life..
I am finally focusing on fixing my body from in the inside too the outside.

Off to write my shopping list and then head out to get it done!

Sending you all lots of love.

ob⋅ses⋅sion

–noun
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2. the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3. the state of being obsessed.
4. the act of obsessing.

Extreme's

Sometimes you still bug me.
Really bug me.
Sometimes I just love you.
Like when you spend an hour and a half telling me stories that haven't come out of your lips for years, then after a 15 hour day you sit in the drive way.. starving and exhausted because you don't want to hang up.

But sometimes I hate you..
I hate that you sometimes don't say thank you.
I hate that your so wrapped up in your own mind.
I hate that you say that you are there for me..
But are you??

Sometimes I wish I could just cut you a break..
Sometimes I wish I could just cut you up..

I wish that I could trust you.
Completely trust you.
But I really can't...
And I never will..

No amount of small sweet gestures no matter how much they make my heart melt will change that.

I just can't trust you..
And without the trust.
What do we have??

Oh yeah there's that thing called love.
Dammit!!!!

When stupid things you read upset you.

This post may be a sensitive subject for those who suffer from infertility.
Just a warning.


For some reason at the doctor yesterday I picked up a health magazine.
I always believe in being my own medical advocate.
With someone who has had so many different types of cancer in her family, I just feel like I have to be cautious.

Thats why when AF started being weird, and giving me gut renching pain I went off to get it checked.
Results showed nothing, zip,zero, nadda, not a damn thing.

I can't say I wasn't relieved.
I am 22, with all the stupid things I worry about that upset me..
I can't even imagine how upset I'd be if I found out I had something going.

So anyway..
Back to the article...

It was basically a stupid little thing that said;

On average when will your fertility start to decline

I was like, well it doesn't factor in ALOT of things.
Its a stupid average calculator that doesn't take conditions that might affect ones fertility into account.
But me being me I did the sums in my head.

These are the questions;

When did your mother go through menopause?

SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT.

37-39.

DEDUCT 10 YEARS!!!!

27.
Oh yeah, thanks for that.

Deduct 2 years if you are a smoker.

Well technically i'm NOT but I WAS a heavy smoker.

That was when I stopped reading.

25.

TWENTY FUCKING FIVE.

FUCK OFF.


I know this stupid calculator has no real bearing on my fertility.
But it really got me thinking.
Now I am fine, in 5 years.
Will I be?

I know there is nothing I can do.
There is a huge correlation between mothers and daughters and the onset of menopause.
My mum strongly believed that her breast cancer was caused by the hormone fluctuations she had during very early menopause.

But then I look at my aunty(my mums half sister) who didn't go through menopause til she was in her early to mid 50's.

My grandmother had children late in life also.

AHhhhhhhh.

This stupid article has bothered me to no end.

What bugs me more is that if I asked someone.. IE a doctor.. they'd think I was stupid...


Am I stupid?
Am I stupid for even thinking about this?

Change

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.


We all have conversations with ourself, conversations that are endless.
I will do this.
I won't do that.
I promise I'll finish that.

Quite often The conversations are quite meaningless and don't have a HUGE impact on the overall outcome of our life.

About a month ago I had a conversation with myself.
We had a serious.
I said self, You've gotta make some changes.. and now is the time.

I had plotted changes before, but usally the point was to mask another problem I was experiencing.

As I started to come out my depression I realised all the conversations I had with myself, all the limitations I put onto making some big changes in my life had started to fade.
My period of self sabotage was over. I no longer could make excuses.

So I went to the doctor and I said "hey give me that drug to help to me quit smoking, I think I am ready"
I was scared, as you always are with any great change you make in your life.
And so it began, with those simple words.. I began a change that will affect the rest of my life. For the better.

Then on Sunday the 4th of October 2009 I made another choice.
I made the choice to stop saying yes to myself.
I made the choice to change my lifestyle.
REALLY change my lifestyle.
To make a goal of getting to a healthy weight and preferably STAYING there.

I will admit that I HATE saying no to myself.. such evidence of this is the brand new digital camera sitting in my room at home.. I didn't need it.. but I wanted it.

Over the past 10 days I've adjusted my eating patterns.
Cut my calories, increased my water intake, started exercising.
I can exercise now, ya know I don't get puffed out going up stairs.

And I have lost
4.2 kilos or 9.2 pounds.

I feel a sense of accomplishment when I go for a walk, or park my car further away from where I need to be, when I down something that doesn't contain 1000 calories.
When I feel full not from stuffing my face, but from hearing people say "Wow I am really proud of you"

Has it been easy?
No.

Have I cheated?
Yes.

Do I have a long way to go?
Yes.

But it's a start.
It's the beginning,but its also the end....
It's the end of me hating myself for hurting my body.
So far.. this thing hasn't treated me too badly..
So I need to stop punishing it, and punishing myself.
I will channel the pain I may feel into something else other than food.

Reality

My journey to a healthier me started this week.
I "had" been doing reasonably well until last night when I went "out" for a friends birthday.. of course I was able to rationalize calories too myself at 1am in the morning. Of course I was going to throw away all the hard work I'd put in that week.

That's exactly what I did.

I regretted it this morning when I saw a 700 gram increase on the scales.
Fuck.

I've actually made myself sick to the point where I've eaten under 200 calories and I am not hungry at all.
I am sitting here in a spin trying to plan out my menu for the week and as soon as I see anything over 300 calories for a meal I start shitting myself.
That's not even a lot compared to how much I am allowed to eat for the day.

I randomly went and purchased myself a new digital camera.
I came home, waited til I was alone and hit the button on the self timer.

What I saw, discussed me to the point of almost vomiting.
I can NOT believe I LET myself do this.
It's a joke.

Up until recently I had not been able to see the kilos on my frame.
The 20 kg or 44 pounds I had put on didn't seem to show up threw my eyes.

But seeing those pictures.
I know that THEY ARE THERE.
That I am the only one who can fix what I've done to myself.

I've got no choice.
I am a heart attack, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetic mess waiting to happen.

I used to think my dad was a prick for being like
"hey your getting so fat"
But umm
I am..
And I severely endangering my health in the process.

ahhh its such a head spin seeing how far I have ahead of me.

But I've gotta do this, and I've gotta do it now.
With everyday that passes me by my chances of getting this weight off and KEEPING it off are becoming slim.
I know I need to change my life style for good.

On the upside,I've lost about 2 kilos for the week so far.
I will weigh in tomorrow because I didn't start properly until monday.

As far as the quitting smoking, well i've cheated.. 3 times.. but I never actually finish a cigarette because they make me feel sick.. haha..
The first 2 weeks are the hardest.
SO I am REALLY proud of myself for getting this far.

Dear Cigarettes

HA
I did it, one week and I only cheated
ONCE.
ONCE.
ONCE.

And I got no satisfaction from it at all.
Oh the joy, the joy of knowing I am stronger than this addiction!
boo at you for holding onto my health and my money for so long.


In other news..
I didn't work today, or I did work but I didn't work hard.
It was one of those days where I was SICK of working hard.
SICK of achieving things and then not getting any credit for it.
So I didn't do much, it was kinda like.. a mini holiday.


I am on a health kick, yes I know its overdue and If I'd shut my mouth and stuck too it last time, I wouldn't be this big to begin with but oh well.

Let me start by saying..
I walked 1 hour yesterday to the shops and back I haven't done this in YEARS.
I made my lunch today.
I made my dinner today.
I tracked my calorie intake today (just over 1500)
I walked for 30 minutes today.
I organized to rent a tread mill.
And I've had more than 3 lt of water today! I think this is also a first.

So positive, positive changes, positive attitude, positive goals.

GO GO GO

Hello Day Four

I hope you are better than day 3.
Because he was an asshole.
I sincerly doubt it though.
My teary-ness has started to kick in.
I really didn't believe that the champix could affect me this badly.
But it is.
I am exhausted all the time.
I am moody.
I am teary.
I am sad.
I am un motivated.

I am unfortunatly slipping back into a depression.

Because I am a realist, I am very surprised that I was not ready for this.
I read the warnings, checked the formus, the news articles.
But I didn't think that it would hit me like this.
NOT AT ALL.

I am determined to stick with it?
Why?

Because its short term.
If I can stay on the medication for the next 9 and a half weeks, I know my chances of kicking the smoking habit are so much stronger.
I've been able to talk myself out of asking someone for a smoke, buying a packet, or picking a butt off the street.. just kidding with that one.

I know that smoking will not make me feel better, its the joy from a cigarette that I am missing. The medication is taking that.
I am still shocked its taken ALL my joy though.


For now, I will do what I can.

Breath and reeboot.
Listen to happy songs.
Sleep when I feel like I need it.
Not beat myself up about something I can't control.

Made it

Through the day without a smoke again.
It feels WEIRD>>>
Good weird though.
I am so tired, I don't know if its the combination of the upper (lexapro) and the possible downer (champix) but I am exhausted.
I was so distracted today I ran a red light...
Eeeep not good.
I will be asleep before I know it!

1 day down

The rest of my life to go.
I did it, first day.. hardest day?? down.
I've quit smoking before, half hardly.. been on the patches for a few weeks..... or the gum and then the second someone gave me a reason to smoke.
I would.
I would go and buy a pack and just light up.
And then again..
And before I knew it.
I was on a bad day..
A PACK A DAY SMOKER.
I am not going to be one of those people who EVER puts shit onto people who smoke.
Everyone is intitled to make there own choices, but for me..
Enough was enough.
Waking up with the sore throat.
Being out of breath.
Being 300 dollars out of pocket every single month.

Not on.

I have already saved $10 dollars, see how easy was that.

Ha, seriously though today was hard.. I survived til about 11 when we normally get a coffee from the van that comes, I skipped the coffee because I knew the craving would kick in really badly.
Instead of my earlier morning smoke I went for a walk, which was strangely refreshing
I dont doubt that without champix I'd be going NUTS.
Even now, as I talk about this post, wow yeah I am craving.
But I wont, and I cant and it wont help or make me feel better.
It will just make me feel worse.
I am really determined to do this, so please.. wish me luck.

.

Numb

I hate that I am so numb right now
I hate that my stupid football team lost the grand final
I hate that I got up at 6am to watch them lose a grand final
I hate seeing my dad upset
I hate that he is lying to us
I hate that he is lying to himself
I hate that he is giving her another chance
I hate that she will hurt him again
I hate that in order to be a good daughter I just need to shut my mouth and let him live his own life
I hate that everyone who is so important to me lives so far away
I hate that I just need a hug but can't remember when I last had one
I hate everything right now.

EXCEPT
That tomorrow I will not smoke a cigarette.
That tomorrow if I get through one full day without puffing on a cancer stick, I will believe in myself enough not to ever pick up one agin.;

Love is an anmial

The title of my new favourite song.
Very happy, very positive and upbeat...
Very much how I am feeling at the moment.

All is good.
Work has been crazy busy, today I have been winding down from two months of non stop on the go stuff.
It's been good to just reflect a little, sort through a maze of old emails and store them neatly in the right place.

Dont you hate those guys who make calls on speaker phone?
I do... My boss is one of those guys.
HE JUST DID IT AGAIN.


We did our half yearly review and I managed to score myself some very good feedback.
I don't know how my boss doesn't know I think he's an idiot.
But he doesnt.

Its hard to respect some one when instead of saying.
"I didn't do anything"
says
"I didn't do nothing"

Which makes NO sense at all.
AHHHHHHHH

Anyway, so where was I?
Oh yes happy and relaxed.

We got the surprise of our lives when we were offered
GRAND FINAL TICKETS, for those of you not familiar with AFL.. its like the super bowl.
The tickets are not only worth a lot of money, but they are pretty much priceless.
I haven't heard my dad that happy in a very very long time.
He was beaming from ear to ear.

In other news, he is still seeing slut face.
I don't know what to say about it.
I think he almost feel's bad about it.
I know he misses C and that slut, but come on dad...
Let her go.

There are plenty more fish in the sea!

I am ever so excited about grey's anatomy's return tomorrow night!!!!
Or tonight our time.
I will be scuring home to illegally downloadaquire the latest episode.

Um I really have nothing interesting to report.
On Monday RM attended a wake for an aquantance he'd known for a while.
This man died suddenly and was only 46 years old. Ex Army, fit as a fiddle and the just died..
I think this has shocked RM a bit. He seem's to have improved over the last few days.
I told him I wont spend time with him when he's mental.
More or less.
I know he wants to feel better, and I know he wants to see me.
Hopefully he is still getting the help he needs and he will always have my support.

I spoke to an old friend last night which was really nice.
She is a beautiful person who cares for me a lot despite the fact I didn't treat her well in the past. But I cannot change the past, I can only do better in the future.
Onwards and upwards I say!

I have just about run out of things to say.

Oh quitting smoking is going well, my quit date is sunday.
I will be ready to give up by then.. I am ready now.. I am just.. err scared.

XX

Two Minds

I'm in two minds about how to handle you.
1/4 your normal, 1/4 your unheard from and the other 1/2 of the time your all fucked up.
Hearing you loosing it the other night broke me up.
Hearing you tell me everything, evereything I've wondered for so long

Your sick. So very sick. Your drinking, not eating and not sleeping is going to catch up with you.

If anything happens to you, I struggle to think what would become of me, how much guilt I would feel. The guilt of not being able to help you is already breaking me into.

I know your ready to give up, I feel this in your voice I hear your beaten down and battered soul.

But when you spit out stupid things like re-joining the army and starting a new life... near me it.. it just worries me more than anything.

You don't want to leave those girls behind, I know you dont.
I know you'd give anything to tuck them in everynight, hell you'd give everything to tuck them in every other weekend.
I feel the love pour out of you everytime you say one of there names.
How could you give that up?

I know you don't want to.
I know she's broken you.
I know you've lost all your money fighting for your rights as a father.
I know thats not fair.

But I don't want you to give up, not ever.
You only fight when there is something worth fighting for.
They are worth it, you wouldn't have come this fair if you didn't believe that with every fibre of your being.

So for now, I do the thing, the thing thats unlike anything I've ever done.
I pray.

I pray that, that bitch is held in contempt of a court order.
I pray that she is forced to support and assist in providing a loving and supporting role as there father.
I pray you have the rights you deserve to help make descions that affect your daughters futures.
For everything she's done, ever bit of peace and sanity she has taken from you.
For sense to come of this, and for your daughters to finally get to see regulary how much you love them, and would do anything for them.

I know this has never been about you.
It's still not.
It's always been what's best for them.
I hope someone see's the sense in that.


When I'm feeling like I have no love coming to me
and I have no love left to give
When I'm feeling separated from the world
And cut off from myself
When I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing
Becuse I'm not getting what I want
I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love available to me
And I'll see it in you
I'll remember that I am complete withing myself
So I'll never have to look to you to complete me
And most of all, I'll remember that everything I really need I already have, and whatever I don't have will come to me when I'm ready to receive it.