It's been awhile

Since I've used this to bitch soley about you.
I am so over this.
I am so over you.
I am so over your poor behaviour.
You are a poor excuse for a man.
You are angry and agressive.
You drunk too much.
You bitch too much.
You are too judgemental.
You are selfish.
You are insecure.

You drive me fucking nuts.
I don't know why I am here.
Why I am wasting the best years of my life on someone as pathetic as you.

What you can't get out of bed?
What a joke.
At 42 years of age you SHOULD be able to get out of bed.
Even if you feel you can't. Even if you don't want to. Even if its painful to do.
But you can't.

Home

I just wanna go home.
I want to see familiar faces, and hear familiar smiles.
And not be overwhelemed by the constant uncertainity.
And I don't want to feel trapped, and hurt.

I don't want to feel constantly abused and belittled.
I don't want to be lied too, or stepped on or used.

I just want to go home.

I can't blame him for "making me come here"
Becuase I was a willing participant..
But fuck... I can blame my self for giving up my home, job, life and schooling for something so fucking temporary.

This is bullshit.
My life is bullshit here and I just want out.

Trust

Trust is a funny thing.
Once its been broken, its something that can never be fixed.

I gambled on love and life, thinking that I could deal with having had my trust broken time and time again.. but I am beginning to feel like I made a mistake in doing so.

I am here, and I am commited.but part of me wants to run for the hills.. part of me is just thinking why.. why did you do this.. why did you risk it and gamble so carelessly with your LIFE!!!!

It hurts, still now it huts to think of all the times that he looked into my eyes and told me things other than the truth, or the half truths, or the stupid lies to "protect me" when the only person he really was protecting was himself.

I want to scream, cry, swear and smash my way free from being this hurt, but its never going to happen. This is always going to hurt, and kill and burn.
And I will always be questioning and wandering and waiting...

Do you accept?

Accept that the person you love is flawed and constantly makes mistakes?
Do you take the good with the bad?

Tired

You know how much I love you.
How much I want this to work.
How much of my self I am sacrificing to make this work.
But I am tired.
I am tired of fighting for you.
For your love, respect and for some attention.
I don't think its too much but apparently it is.
You can't give me what I need anymore
What I need is someone who cares enough to think before he makes a decision
And you dont.
I am sick of the "oh lets wing it " because usually that means, i'm the one who gives in. I have to compromise and give up what I need

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Or in a Car I guess..

I'll be leaving to move to Sydney in 4 months and 1 week.

I cant even process how I feel about it..

Besides scared?

And excited.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Your pushing me away.

Its a tug of war..

I can't keep fighting with this bullshit.

dear asshole

BOYFRIEND.

ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE.

Sincerly one annoyed BITCH

Just gotta DO IT

So I ventured out food shopping today.
I am sad to say its been months since i've done this.

Between spending half my time in sydney and then struggling with the subsequent depression when coming home from sydney.. I kinda suck at oh.. i dont know.. Cooking, shoppping, making my lunch and being a functional human being???

I have to balance between eating stuff I like, and being healthier..

Because really im going to convince myself that coco pops with low fat milk is better than a mcmuffin with hollendase sauce.

So Menu;

Sunday Night: Cranksy with veggies and tatters
Monday Night: Chicken thingy with veggies and maybe potato wedges
Tuesday Night: TAFE
Wednesday Night: Pasta
Thursday Night: Steak, veggies and tatters.

For Breakfast its coco pops all the way.

Lunch will be pasta, ham & cheese toasties, baked beans on toast.

Snacks: Oreo's and Mandarians, Le Snack.

So there you have it.

No its not the most healthy menu..

But its gotta beat my KFC, MACCAS, Hot DAWG & Fries routine.

Start small.

Now i'm off to do the washing up and cook the pasta.
:)

Struggle City

Right now I am struggling.

Struggling with my depression

Struggling with my motivation

Struggling with my job

Struggling with my weight

I am almost back at my heaviest weight EVER. I have no one to blame but myself. Constantly saying YES YES YES to fatty food, alcohol, combined with no exercise has got me to where I am.

Im not that worried about my health because I know I'm okay, but I am FAT. My belly is HUGE. It wont be long before I end up with new stretch marks because my skin cant cope with how huge I am.

I want to move.
I want to be in Sydney.
I want to ditch the junk food.
Get a Hobby.
Have a job that I actually LOVE.
I want to have more sex.
I want cuddles.
I want to make new friends.

I am just struggling.
I don't know how else to put it.

The weekend is coming up and as usual i'll watch tv and eat.
I wont actually DO anything constructive.

I don't really even like TAFE anymore because its whats holding me back from Moving.

I'm ready.
I'm scared but I'm ready.

I need to get my fat ass back out there.
I need to start walking.
I need to stop with the junk food and binge eating.

No one needs as much cheese as I can eat in a sitting.

I'm ashamed..
And I'm upset...

But Im just not ready to do anything about it.
Its so stupid that I know how to fix my problems but I just cant.

FUCK YOU

Fuck you for trying to hurt me
Fuck you for thinking your more important than me
Fuck you for pretending to support me
Fuck you for thinking your better than me
Fuck you for trying to make him choose
Fuck you for losing
Fuck you for exisisting
Fuck you for lying
Fuck you for being an entitled bitch with a stick up her fucking ass
Fuck you for being quite happy to ruin my plans, and my time with MY boyfriend
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU


And how dare YOU.
How dare you claim that it is YOUR plaec.
How dare you suggest I not be allowed to be there.
Who the fuck do you think you are?

Where you around, available, or in the picture when he BROUGHT the van?
Did you talk to him the night he picked up the flooring?
What about getting pictures of it once it was finished?
Did you spend Tuesday morning talking about his adventures with his children?
Where you there at the end of every court case to offer your support?
Is there a book that YOU sent to his children that they all read togerther sitting on the book shelf..

The answer to all those questions is NO.
NO NO NO NO NO FUCK NO You weren't.

That place is for his CHILDREN. It was a place he created so he could be CLOSE to them and not have to lug around boxes of toys and books and craft projects.

It will never be anything other than that.
That was its intended purpose and thats the purpose it will always be.

It will never be YOUR place. It will never be MY place.
It is THEIR PLACE.

Get over yourself.

Words

I lay in the silence of this house.
Uncomfortable and feeling alone.
I wish I could explain how much this loneliness hurts

It breaks my heart when you don't call.
When you don't try hard enough.
But what is enough.

It will never be enough.

There are so many things that I could or should be doing.

But instead I choose none.
I choose to sit in the silence or learn about others who have lives worse than myself so I feel better.
But I just feel numb.
I feel dead.
I feel like I don't exist.

I want to exist and be happy but I don't think I even know how.
I depend on you far too much too be happy.

You are

Selfish
Narcissistic
Intitled
Arrogant
Miserable
Controlling
Obsessive
Nasty
Cold

When my alarm

goes off in a few hours im going to regret being awake.

I have school on Tuesdays and its becoming a familar pattern to stay up late because I'm buzzed after all that learning and talking.. and talking.. and for a class we sure watch a lot of you-tube.

I guess thats what marketing is about hey?

And so here I am.

I just ate 10 crackers and a small peiece of very nice cheese.
Not the thing I need at this time in the morning.

But did i mention the pepsi and cigarette?

Some habits of mine will never die.

So its blogging and monopoly milloniares for me..
Because I'm waiting on the angry bird update.

HURRY UP DAMMIT.

I'm in Sydney from Thursday Evening to Monday Morning.

I couldn't BE anymore excited.. well I could but I'd explode.

Long distance relationships are hard.

Long distance poly-amorous relationships with a really busy person are hard.

Life is hard.

Work is hard..

But I guess in the end it will all be worth it...

Well it better be.

There is always something

Something that prevents us from spending time together
Something that prevents us from talking, communicating, connecting.

When we are together, yes I feel very connected. I feel comfortable, safe, warm and loved.

But I don't get to have that feeling a lot of the time because we are so far apart.

You haven't been talking to me lately. You've been mute on your feelings, and I get that your busy.. and your stressed but there is something thats under there. There is a feeling, a fear.. there has to be.

I've known you for more than three years, I know the shaddow's on your face, the tones in your voice. I can see the tears well, and then see them disappear without falling from your face.

I hear the emotional tone, but I want to know what your feeling because it helps me to connect, it helps me to understand what your going through, what we are going through.

I don't really understand where any of this is coming from in feburary I thought we were headed for a spectacular and emotional finish that would end with a nice friendship. We'd see each other occasionally and probably have sex every now again.

But that is not what happened.
And it has thrown me for a six.

I think of going, 8 or 6 weeks without seeing you and now we can barely go a day.. and are still barely functional on 3.. and I don't understand.
What changed?
How did I go to being part of your life, to being a big part of your heart.

I am still not part of your everyday life, a life that is FULL.
And you still say, that i'll be standing right beside you. In your home, in your life, in your house in your bed. But where will it be, and how will it work.

Do we have an end date?
Are we headed for forever?
Do I really even have a choice anymore.. I see myself loving you until the day I take my last breathe on this earth and that scares the shit out of me.

There are things I want, that I don't know that you want. Things that I don't even think you'd allow yourself to admit to want. But they need to be discussed. If they are 100 % off the table, I need to know now, because I need to plan for a life without you as the person who stands beside me, who loves me unconditionally.

I know what ever happens you will be a love and support to me, as I hope to always be for you.

I'm just so confused.