Monday, October 5, 2009

Dear Cigarettes

HA
I did it, one week and I only cheated
ONCE.
ONCE.
ONCE.

And I got no satisfaction from it at all.
Oh the joy, the joy of knowing I am stronger than this addiction!
boo at you for holding onto my health and my money for so long.


In other news..
I didn't work today, or I did work but I didn't work hard.
It was one of those days where I was SICK of working hard.
SICK of achieving things and then not getting any credit for it.
So I didn't do much, it was kinda like.. a mini holiday.


I am on a health kick, yes I know its overdue and If I'd shut my mouth and stuck too it last time, I wouldn't be this big to begin with but oh well.

Let me start by saying..
I walked 1 hour yesterday to the shops and back I haven't done this in YEARS.
I made my lunch today.
I made my dinner today.
I tracked my calorie intake today (just over 1500)
I walked for 30 minutes today.
I organized to rent a tread mill.
And I've had more than 3 lt of water today! I think this is also a first.

So positive, positive changes, positive attitude, positive goals.

GO GO GO

Friday, October 2, 2009

Hello Day Four

I hope you are better than day 3.
Because he was an asshole.
I sincerly doubt it though.
My teary-ness has started to kick in.
I really didn't believe that the champix could affect me this badly.
But it is.
I am exhausted all the time.
I am moody.
I am teary.
I am sad.
I am un motivated.

I am unfortunatly slipping back into a depression.

Because I am a realist, I am very surprised that I was not ready for this.
I read the warnings, checked the formus, the news articles.
But I didn't think that it would hit me like this.
NOT AT ALL.

I am determined to stick with it?
Why?

Because its short term.
If I can stay on the medication for the next 9 and a half weeks, I know my chances of kicking the smoking habit are so much stronger.
I've been able to talk myself out of asking someone for a smoke, buying a packet, or picking a butt off the street.. just kidding with that one.

I know that smoking will not make me feel better, its the joy from a cigarette that I am missing. The medication is taking that.
I am still shocked its taken ALL my joy though.


For now, I will do what I can.

Breath and reeboot.
Listen to happy songs.
Sleep when I feel like I need it.
Not beat myself up about something I can't control.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Made it

Through the day without a smoke again.
It feels WEIRD>>>
Good weird though.
I am so tired, I don't know if its the combination of the upper (lexapro) and the possible downer (champix) but I am exhausted.
I was so distracted today I ran a red light...
Eeeep not good.
I will be asleep before I know it!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

1 day down

The rest of my life to go.
I did it, first day.. hardest day?? down.
I've quit smoking before, half hardly.. been on the patches for a few weeks..... or the gum and then the second someone gave me a reason to smoke.
I would.
I would go and buy a pack and just light up.
And then again..
And before I knew it.
I was on a bad day..
A PACK A DAY SMOKER.
I am not going to be one of those people who EVER puts shit onto people who smoke.
Everyone is intitled to make there own choices, but for me..
Enough was enough.
Waking up with the sore throat.
Being out of breath.
Being 300 dollars out of pocket every single month.

Not on.

I have already saved $10 dollars, see how easy was that.

Ha, seriously though today was hard.. I survived til about 11 when we normally get a coffee from the van that comes, I skipped the coffee because I knew the craving would kick in really badly.
Instead of my earlier morning smoke I went for a walk, which was strangely refreshing
I dont doubt that without champix I'd be going NUTS.
Even now, as I talk about this post, wow yeah I am craving.
But I wont, and I cant and it wont help or make me feel better.
It will just make me feel worse.
I am really determined to do this, so please.. wish me luck.

.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Numb

I hate that I am so numb right now
I hate that my stupid football team lost the grand final
I hate that I got up at 6am to watch them lose a grand final
I hate seeing my dad upset
I hate that he is lying to us
I hate that he is lying to himself
I hate that he is giving her another chance
I hate that she will hurt him again
I hate that in order to be a good daughter I just need to shut my mouth and let him live his own life
I hate that everyone who is so important to me lives so far away
I hate that I just need a hug but can't remember when I last had one
I hate everything right now.

EXCEPT
That tomorrow I will not smoke a cigarette.
That tomorrow if I get through one full day without puffing on a cancer stick, I will believe in myself enough not to ever pick up one agin.;

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Love is an anmial

The title of my new favourite song.
Very happy, very positive and upbeat...
Very much how I am feeling at the moment.

All is good.
Work has been crazy busy, today I have been winding down from two months of non stop on the go stuff.
It's been good to just reflect a little, sort through a maze of old emails and store them neatly in the right place.

Dont you hate those guys who make calls on speaker phone?
I do... My boss is one of those guys.
HE JUST DID IT AGAIN.


We did our half yearly review and I managed to score myself some very good feedback.
I don't know how my boss doesn't know I think he's an idiot.
But he doesnt.

Its hard to respect some one when instead of saying.
"I didn't do anything"
says
"I didn't do nothing"

Which makes NO sense at all.
AHHHHHHHH

Anyway, so where was I?
Oh yes happy and relaxed.

We got the surprise of our lives when we were offered
GRAND FINAL TICKETS, for those of you not familiar with AFL.. its like the super bowl.
The tickets are not only worth a lot of money, but they are pretty much priceless.
I haven't heard my dad that happy in a very very long time.
He was beaming from ear to ear.

In other news, he is still seeing slut face.
I don't know what to say about it.
I think he almost feel's bad about it.
I know he misses C and that slut, but come on dad...
Let her go.

There are plenty more fish in the sea!

I am ever so excited about grey's anatomy's return tomorrow night!!!!
Or tonight our time.
I will be scuring home to illegally downloadaquire the latest episode.

Um I really have nothing interesting to report.
On Monday RM attended a wake for an aquantance he'd known for a while.
This man died suddenly and was only 46 years old. Ex Army, fit as a fiddle and the just died..
I think this has shocked RM a bit. He seem's to have improved over the last few days.
I told him I wont spend time with him when he's mental.
More or less.
I know he wants to feel better, and I know he wants to see me.
Hopefully he is still getting the help he needs and he will always have my support.

I spoke to an old friend last night which was really nice.
She is a beautiful person who cares for me a lot despite the fact I didn't treat her well in the past. But I cannot change the past, I can only do better in the future.
Onwards and upwards I say!

I have just about run out of things to say.

Oh quitting smoking is going well, my quit date is sunday.
I will be ready to give up by then.. I am ready now.. I am just.. err scared.

XX

Sunday, September 20, 2009

300th Post

I can't believe this is my 300th post.
It seems like only yesterday I was diving back into the world of blogging to save me from myself.
I was confused, upset, lost and feeling without hope.
But the kind people in the blogging community took me under their wings and have helped to nurse me back to strength.
The friendship, advice, empathy and compassion I have received from so many wonderful people will never be forgotten.
As I primarily follow IF and pregnancy blogs I am now finding that these are more and more turning into family blogs.
I pray each and everyday for all the wonderful women and parents who are hoping and doing everything in there power to become parents.
I pray that your time will come just as it has for many of the people I follow.

I can't put into words how far I have come.
6 months ago I barely had the strength to get out of bed, now.. most days I jump out of bed and into the world. I am proud of what I have achieved in such a small time and all of the people reading this have contributed to that in some way.

Right now I am putting a lot of energy into supporting a friend who is going through a very difficult time, I can't imagine ever having enough courage to attempt to be there for someone in that way, but I am doing it and I am proud that I can support and love people in my life and treat them they way they deserve to be treated.

Anyway, I am getting mushy.
Blahhhhh

xxx

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Baby Book

When I was born, I was the last child and only daughter.
My first brother was born VERY ILL with a rare condition which caused his bowels to develop outside his body. In 1982 there were very few cases of this and he was not given a good chance at surviving, he beat all the odds and today is in very good health. My second brother was a blessing, and much needed. My mother suffered depression after both my second brother and I were born.

I do not have any pictures of my mother pregnant, it was a hard time when she was only 3 months along we moved back to Tasmania, which is where I was born.
It kills me that I have no record of her pregnancy, I only know things she'd told me.
I have the typical first photo's taken of me when I was in the hospital.
But its only the memories really..

Until I found my Child Health baby book.


Caragh Blank Blank (ha I know i've posted info on here before about my full name, but I googled me and it linked straight into my blog, that's not good)

Date of Birth: 15/02/1987
Weight at Birth: 2.520 kg or 5.5 pounds
Length at Birth: 46cms
Weight at Discharge: 2.625 kg or 5.8 pounds


23.02.87
8 days old
2.67kg or 5.9 pounds

05.03.87
18 days old
2.98kg or 6.6 pounds

12.3.87
25 days old
3.25kg or 7.2 pounds

19.3.87
32 days old
3.45kg or 7.6 pounds

Comments:
Continuing to make good progress.
Immunization 2nd Thursday this month 2:30pm.

26.03.87
39 days old
3.72kg or 8.2 pounds
Comments:
Smiling!

2.04.87
46 days old
3.86kg or 8.8 pounds
Length: 53cm
Head: 37cm (is it just me or did I have a HUGE head)

Comments:
Responds to noises.
Weaning- Substitute one bottle feed for one breast feed each week until having all bottle feeds. (I used to bite)

9.04.87
53 days old(7 Weeks)
4.14kg or 9.2 pounds

23.04.87
57 days old(9 Weeks)
4.23kg or 9.12 pounds


7.5.87
81 days old(11 Weeks)
4.6kg or 10.3 pounds
Head: 38.7cm (STILL GROWING)


14.5.87
88 days old(12 Weeks)
4.68kg or 10.5pounds
Length: 57.2 cm's
Comments:
Reaching out for toys
Responds to familiar voices.


4.6.87
109 Days old(15 Weeks)
4.89kg or 10.13 pounds



2.7.87
137 days old(19 Weeks)
5.36kg or 11.10 pounds

Comments:
Teach to drink from cup.
Rusk (I have no idea what this means)


17.8.87
186 days old(26 weeks) 6 Month check up
5.78kg or 12.12 pounds
Length: 62.8cm
Head: 41.5cm (OH MY)
Comments:
Rolls
Appointing for heading check.



28.9.87
225 days old(32 weeks)
6.59kg or 14.8 pounds
Comments:
Can't read the comments about me, but there is a reminder note in there for my brothers appointment lol.


4.1.88
323 days old(46 weeks)
7.860kg or 17.5 pounds
Length: 70cm
Head: 44.6cm(lol)

Comments:
In very bad hand writting...

Says dad (this could be something else but it ends in ad so im assuming its dad
Crawling
Pulls to stand
Walks around the furniture
Takes one step alone.
Claps hands.


10.3.88
389 days old(53 weeks) 1 Year check up
9.16kg or 20.3 pounds
Comments:
Walks!
Wants to feed herself


15.8.l988
547 days old(78 weeks) 18 months old
10.90kg 24 pounds
Length: 80.7cm
Comments:
Has had chicken pox.
Developmentally seeming very normal.

9.3.89
753 days old(107 weeks) 2 year check up
12.35kg or 27.4 pounds
Height 8.6cm( 1/2 adult height) Um no, they were off by 8 cm I feel hard done by.
Toilet trained <-- Woo go me.


So there you have it. It may be the only thing I have, it might have scribles from my mum, notes about my brother.
But its so precious to me.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I'm Alive

Barely..
Nah just joking.
Wow I haven't posted all week, at least I don't think I have.
Any tomorrow is FRIDAY so that's almost a week so whats been happening you ask?

Well

1- Dad

His stupid bitch ex keeps calling him and wanting to be friends, I told him they need time apart before he should even consider being her friend. He disagrees as only a man would (no offense) and is going over to see her and her family to "say goodbye" tomorrow night. I have been very supportive, making him dinner, talking to him when he needs it and offering practical advice.
However, he's older than me so its assumed he knows better and he may be right. I have told him that I will never been in the same room with that bitch, and I wont support any kind of relationship he has with her. He understands and respects this.

Being heartbroken and completely smitten has caused him too jump right back on the bandwagon. Although they were in the process of breaking up, my dad has been on a few "friendly dates" basically its him meeting new people because he only ever met "the evil bitch" and then was with her for almost 18 months.
He is sticking close to home and has been on two dates with one nice woman who also rides motor bikes, 1 date with a crazy chick with 5 sons who are all of age and live and home, and is going on a date with a woman who used to live in the same street as us at the same time at a previous address mind you. Weird.

Mentally.. he's doing okay.. He is spending A LOT of time online doing the internet dating thing, I've been there and done that so I can respect what he's doing and hey if it helps him. That's awesome.


2- ME

Well I've been okay I guess.. Pretty steady week with lots of work going on.
Between AF having a visit, me getting hemorrhoids, and doing something terrible to my neck that required far to many pain killers.

On Tuesday I went to the doctors and got a re-fill for my crazy pills for the next 6 months, I also got the quit smoking drug and started it yesterday.. My official quit day is next thursday, hopefully this time next week I will have one day smoke free.
Two days in, no side effects besides some tingling in the mouth which is odd, and a bit of nausea that is thankfully much easier to stomach than the lexapro side effects.

I didn't ask the doctor about the butt problem because AF was visiting and I thought it rude, I got some stuff and I am having no pain or itching so its all good and hopefully next time I go to the doctors if I am still in the same situation I will get her advice. Oh and I like my new doctor, she seems very sweet and not patronizing or anything which I appreciate. My other doctor is on maternity leave.

Work has been busy and pretty full on. I go hell for leather but don't seem to get much done. I think I am being too much of a perfectionist.

Plans for the weekend, I may get started on the painting of the back room that I didn't start a few months bak.
Tomorrow I might go to my brothers house and watch the football finals with them so I am not all by my lonesome when dad is out.

I need to make plans to catch up with some of my girlfriends.
Missing them lots.

I still read everyone's journal, I just don't comment as much coz I suck.
But just checking in and sending everyone some love
:)

xoxo

Sunday, September 13, 2009

WWMD

What Would Mum Do?

I few months ago I stumbled onto a blog of a women in her mid 20's.
Her mother had recently had cancer, but got the all clear.
Within days of following her mothers blog, I read that her mother had again been diagnosed with cancer but it had spread and she was terminal.
With-in a few short months her mother died.
Reading her blog tonight, I felt my heart ache for her... for me and for every other child out there who is without a parent.
A parent knows what to do.
Or how to act.
Or that's what we think, we think they are invincible.

Tonight I sit her with a broken heart of a different kind, It's broken for my dad.
My poor drunk sorry Dad who at the moment doesn't give a shit about anything but getting revenge on his ex. My dad who is depressed, suicidal and actually slightly insane.
I hate when he throws out the comment "I'll be sure to update my insurance policies this week"
He has always said he would do this so I was the sole beneficiary of any money he is. I know its stupid and scary.
Part of me feels like he's joking, part of me feels like his serious.
The other part of me is just wondering.

What would mum do?

Would she slap him in the face and tell him to get over it?
Hug it out?

I just don't know..
I don't know what to do.
I know I am going to find myself worried as all hell all week.

I wish I could hit the fast forward button, so I could take him through this grieving process. So he wouldn't be so hurt or so angry.
But I know that I can't.

But its so fucking hard to be there for someone.
When it seems like they just don't care anymore.

Very BAD EGG

I always knew my dad's girlfriend was a bit of a bad egg.
I suspected due to selfish and unkind things I heard come out of her mouth.
I suspected due to the way she treated her daughter.. I never saw anything terrible.. but I just suspected.

I was correct.

This BITCH and I mean BITCH has been cheating on my dad with numerous men through out
the entire duration of the relationship.

I'm talking about a fair few guys.

For her to this comes as a bit of a shock to me.

With everything my dad has been through, a widower who survived an aggressive form of cancer with almost a year of treatment.

She is a piece of work.

Dad recently revealed he suspected she would drug her daughter in order to get a good nights sleep.

She committed welfare fraud.


She used my dad in a number of ways.
The relationship cost him his sanity, his self esteem and not to mention upwards of 20k he spent pouring his heart and soul into her.

I am devastated.

My dad is devastated.
He is looking for a way to get revenge, fuck I don't blame him.. I've been there but I just find that revenge wont really do anything except make him feel better in the interim but worse in the long run.

Wow..

Still shocked...

I'd totally kick that bitches ass if I wasn't so against violence.

I knew I was right never to get attached to her daughter like dad did.
Fuck what a terrible person.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Hell hath no fury

Like me right now.
I am PMSING to the enth degree and I threatened to kill someone..
Not seriously, but I told him I was in a mood and if he continued to annoy me I couldnt be held responsble for my actions.

This is insane.
I've never had PMS this bad before.
I know that its because I am on the pill but FUCK!
This is ridiulous.

When I am not being moody, im sulking and close to tears.
Its times like this I just wish I could up my lexapro dosage and everything would be fine.

Just so angry... I could have killed this woman in traffic today, she was "trying to merge" But just WOULDNT CHANGE LANES.
Forgive me, but isn't that the point of merging.
I held my hand on the horn for 5 minutes and then got stuck at the traffic lights anyway after been tail-gated by this 18 year old mole who couldn't drive.

See??
This is not me.
Even when im in one of my pyscho depressive states im not this angry.
Is relativly pain free and light periods worth this shit.

I don't know.

I want to crawl up in a hole and die coz I know I'm pissing people off and I don't want to do that.

I having been going to lunch a little earlier than the guys because I like to have QUITE for atleast 20 minutes while there not here.

Our receptionist.. who I consider a "work friend" is being SO annoying.
She is normally loud but she's taking it to the next level.
Always yelling out to other departments, and shes in the foyer so its really echo's.
I want to go out there and shake her
"YOU DONT NEED TO YELL"

The funny thing is she has to be deaf because I can hear every word she says but even in a very loud voice she can't hear me.
Normally I could talk to her about it, but she'll snap at me and I might flip out and give her a wedgey or something.

I would love for something to just go my way, but more than anything I'd just like her to shut up and act like a professional.
Yes I realise telling someone im gonna kill them isn't professional, but he's a taunter.. and I can't be taunted this week.

Monday, September 7, 2009

One of the lucky one's.

I am one of those lucky people, who rarely gets a headache.
BUT when I do its a killer.
Right now I can feel one coming on and I am sure its gonna be a bad one.

Fathers day turned out okay.
I did a bit of running around getting stuff for dinner and our new washing machine.
I actually picked up the wrong kind of washing powder, because we now have a front loader. Oh then I turned it to the wrong setting and it was far far to hot...
I had a white shirt (I know my bad) mixed in with a whole lot of colours and I managed to turn it a lovely shade of gray. Very smart indeed.

I am working my ass off today, trying to get a million little things done.. But not really getting anywhere.

Mondays make my brain hurt.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Happy Fathers Day

Dear Dad,

I can't believe this is your 27th fathers day.

Sometimes I find it hard to know what to say to you, you were just a kid when your first child was born, only 23 years old.. basically the same age as me.

I can't imagine being a parent at my age.. but you stepped up to the plate and provided for your family financially but more so emotionally.
You even let mum pop out two more kids before you were 30!

You always protected us, loved us and provided for us.
We have had many happy memories.
You fought for us, when you had nothing left to give.
You didn't want to leave us.

For everything you have gone through to still be here with us today.
I say thank you.
Thank you for learning and growing with us. It can't have been easy having not had a father after the age of 8.
But you did it.
You raised a family, you taught as well.
Although you may not always think of it, we are more than capable of standing on our own two feet and that's because of the guidance you gave us.

Through the good times, and the bad.
I love you and I hope so share many many more fathers day's with you.

Your daughter,

Obes.



Caragh, Dad, Matthew.. Circa 1987.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

What's in a number?

I recently found out someone I know, and care about has slept with more than 150 people.
I was significantly shocked, and a little discussed to hear this number.
I was more upset at the fact that this person seemed to hate themselves for this.

It got me wondering about all the self distructive and dangerous things we do in our life time.
Smoke
Drink
Date people who are bad for us
Drive dangerously

and obviously a very dangerous thing to do, have sex with SO many people.

I asked how this had come about.
I was told that up until the age of 23 this person had only slept with TWO people.
So how to get to 150 in less than 20 years.

Relationships and sex can be such a manipulating situation.
Sex in my eyes is a wonderful and amazing thing that everyone should enjoy when the time is right for them.

Seeing someone hate themselves for sleeping with so many people made me realise how thankful I am that my number of partners is small.
Sex for me, must be accompanded by trust.

That much sex to me would mean a very low self esteem, lack of self control and ammount to no self worth at all.
Oh and a love of sex.

But really who doesn't love sex?

I was also slightly upset at myself for being so discustsed in someone elses decisons.
But I think it was more so guided in the fact of the pure self hatred that was coming from this person.

So really, what do you think.

Do numbers like that matter?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Can't put my finger on it

But something is off.
Something doesn't feel right.
I hate that feeling.
I hate not knowing if something is going to hit me like a big truck.
I am gonna get thrown for a loop sometime soon.. I just..
Can FEEL it.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Finding my feet

I guess a testiment to how good I am doing "mentally" is the fact that I don't update my blog anywhere NEAR what I should. For me this is a huge indicator.
I no longer have a nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach when I have to rise each morning.
It's weird for me, sometimes I find coming out of a depressing state of mind is just as weird as going into one. Part of it just doesn't feel real.
I am like everyone, I have my good days and my bad days.
My bad days are few and far between and they aren't as bad.

I wonder how I got there.. into that place where everything became to much.
My emotions and more so my complex anger just got the better of me.
I wonder if this is in me, if i'll be this way for life or if there is ever a time I will live happily and drug free.
I will always walk with my head held high.
Infact I get told I dont look like a normal fat chick, there words.. not mine..
Its because I walk with my head up, shoulders back and ready to face the world.
Regardless of the mood I am in, happy or sad. That is one thing I will never let go of, my mother taught me well.

I often wonder about how different my life would be if my mum never got sick.
I'd never have quit TAFE, hopefully I would have gone on to university.. I'd be finished my degree and be in my 1st year of teaching. I'd had never had met RM or B, or M.. I'd never have felt such extreme lows and rechoiced the moments of happiness i've felt. I wouldn't be this fat, or this broke.... I wouldn't have lost the friends I have......

Those are all what if's. What if's i'll wonder about for the rest of my life.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I know I suck

I haven't been updating.
I fail at ICLW.
I am just not feeling very....
I dunno.. There is just something thats off.
I will be back to life before I know it.
The fight with dad really threw me for a six.
On saturday morning he appolgised realising he'd taken it to far.
But it all feels to late.
It feels like he doesn't want, or need me in his life.
That is the worst feeling.
Knowing I've lost one parent, and I'm loosing the other.

I need everything to pick up a bit.

Friday, August 21, 2009

I am not strong

The other night when I was drunk dialed by my depressed friend RM.
I sat there and listened to him tell me about how wonderful I was.
I don't like compliments, I don't think there justified.
In the course of the conversation he proclaimed many times that he loved me.
Many many many times. It was the booze more than likely, his depression and loneliness getting to him.
At the end of the conversation when he was in one of his speals.. I asked him.
"why"

He paused and said "you are so strong"
I guess not the most obvious reason why you would love someone, but anyway he was drunk so I'll forgive him.

I am tough, I have a thick skin but sometimes I break.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a pretty good day, I was relaxed lots of laughing looking forward to the weekend. I was optimistic about going to the footy with dad on Sunday and cleaning tomorrow. Sleeping in. Ya know all the weekend jazz.
When I got home dad was home, I wasn't expecting that at all.

I realised I had left the dishes from last nights dinner.

1 baking, 1 saucepan, 1 plate, and a knife and fork.
What I found in the sink was significantly more than that.

I wanted to unwind when I got home from work.
For an hour, I played my computer.

My dad comes into my room.

"How about doing those fucking dishes that are sitting in the sink"

Okay.. weird I think to myself he was in a great mood when I got home.

My response was
"mmm hmm"

Because I was playing a video game.

"Fucking get up and do it now you slob or i'll turn the power off"

Again weird.

Within 2 minutes I am up and doing the dishes.
I think to myself.

"Hey fuck... I didn't need that.. I don't deserve that"

I causally hand him the football tickets he left me.
I also tell him I'm not going to his daughters girlfriends school concert.

All extremely calm.

when I finish the dishes 20 minutes later he comes into my room, and takes the tv that is in all fairness his and says "get your own"

5 minutes later he disconnects the Internet.
Whatever, but now I am pissed because it appears he is taking his shit out on me.
He starts to vacuum, so random... I was gonna do that tomorrow.

I go out and ask him why he's being such a jack ass.
He proceeds to tell me about all the mess and how is disgusting.
Believe me.. I don't live in filth my dads never even seen filth.

I pretty much plead my case. That I have done nothing wrong.

He then goes into a speal about how horrible I am and how I do nothing and I am this and I am that.

In the process of this, being abused and taunted with things about myself that aren't true.
I loose it.
I throw a few little things on the ground that ARE NT MINE. But are the apparent mess.

He then begins to taunt me, and now I am yelling.
He's smirking, telling me how horrible I am.

So.. I do something I've never done before.

I attack.
I lunge at him and start hitting. (Not hard, or in the face)
Pretty much just want him to shut up.
By this stage I am hysterically crying and not even understanding what the fuck has happened.

I am not a violent person.. I was just so angry that he'd attacked me.
If I deserved it, fair enough.
BUT I DIDN'T.

I witnessed a lot of things in my parents marriage.
I saw my mum lunge at my dad many times and try and shut him up.
I saw that anger and never understood it....

But now I do.

As I write this, I am somber. I am sad. Shocked. Disapointed.

I am a WHOLE lot of things.

I am not strong.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

He's alive

I could have killed him when he called me this afternoon.
AS IF you worry me like that.
He said he "left his phone somewhere and didnt know where it was"
Um yeah..
That didn't happen.

He's still too fucked up for me to call him out on it.
Fucking drama.
I tell ya, im too old for this shit.

In other news
ITS THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST.
and its thursday tomorrow.
And I am FREAKING out.
So many changes.
don't have the energy to even THINK about them.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Does it

Does it make me stupid for still caring?
Does it make me foolish for wishing all your pain away?
Does it make me a hypocrite to suddenly believe what your telling me is the truth. Your truth that is.

I am stupid.
I am foolish
I am a hypocrite.

But this is the thing about me.
The thing that makes me know that I'm not in capable of love.

I love deeply and without a sense of reason.
For the wisest words you have ever spoken were.

"Be true to YOUR heart, not my heart. Don't worry about me"
That's when I knew a part of your heart, was my heart and that it came back just the same way.
I know I am stupid, foolish, selfish, a little nuts and clearly in way to deep.

But I love you.. unconditionally and even when your belligerent.
Because that's who you are.
And really does anything else matter?

Monday, August 17, 2009

I will

NOT be a door mat
NOT drop what I am doing to help others
NOT put other peoples needs ahead of my own
NOT worry about everyone so much
NOT care so much
NOT cry so much
NOT NOT NOT

Why cant I be left ALONE.
FARK

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The shit my family does

After my mum died.. yeah I know I start alot of posts like that.. but its just so true. It is such a defining moment. None of us had really known life without mum. Dad was with her since he was 17, we'd been around her since we came into the world.
We were used to it, stuck in the patterns that had become our life.

Anyways. After mum died we became one of those households.
The households that only purchase items after they have run out of the essentials.
I'm talking.. dishwashing powder is only aquired when we realise we are gonna have to do dishes by hand. Washing powder is only brought when someone does to do a load of washing and realises they are gonna have to go without.
All the essentials, except shampoo and conditioner coz shit no one wants to have dirty hair are only brought when we are at the end of the run and completly without.

I noticed on friday we were running low on toilet paper. I made a mental note to buy some. Of course this note got pushed to the back of my mind and I forgot.
I went to pee yesterday and realised we were without but AH-HA. We had a box of tissues.. problem solved.

This morning when I went to pee I used the last tissues.
Crap.. well I had to get lunch anyway.
I went into the shops and picked up a 12 pack on special and in the front of one of the isles.
In most super markets.. well the one I go to, the toilet paper is in the last isle. It gives me the shits! (no pun intended)
I grabbed some lunch and headed home.
When I walked into the kitchen I noticed a 12 pack sitting on the bench.. My dad was cooking and goes " your the third one to buy toilet paper"

To end this story, we now have 30 rolls of toilet paper in the cupboard.

Can someone please tell me we are not the only family who does stupid shit like this?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Itchy nipples

Well left nipple to be exact.
Its annoying enough to have an itchy nipple at home or in private.
But at work when you are surrounded by 15 guys at all times.

Ouchy.
Such a sensitive area as well.

Blah

Glad its friday.
Nothing planned for the weekend.
Playing online poker and listening to the spice girls.
Is it just me or did they wear ALOT of make-up?
Looking back they wore more make up than a drag queen

Thats my hilarious observation for the night.
Clearly I am very with it today.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

What happened to me?

I used to be able to pack my feeling into a box at the drop of a hat.
Every little thing I felt would disapear.
The only thing I could feel was what I WANTED to feel.
I was numb.
Completly numb.
Why can't I be that way?
Why I am NOT in control?
Why am I so unsure of everything?
Why do I just want to disapear?
I need answers.
I need them now.
I can only get them from myself.
But the good half of my personality is not co-operating.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Tomorrow is a new day

As much as yesterday sucked.
Coz it did, I learnt some pretty valuable lesson.

1) Be careful who you give your heart too.

2) Always fill the car up with enough petrol to get you from point A to B.

3) Don't try and do too many things at once.. you will fall over.
Evidence of this is the giant scrape and bruise I have on my back.

Regardless of this.. A bit of sleep, and a chat with a great friend turned my frown upside down.

Besides another week is almost over.
Whats better than the weekend?

Monday, August 10, 2009

Revealing

I can’t…

Make the bed without it falling apart in the middle of the night.


Sing like I used to be able to before I started smoking

Ignore one of M's burps without following it with my own.. even if I dont need to


Watch beaches without crying

Really explain to someone what they mean to me face to face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can…

Flip my eye lids inside out, yes its gross no I wont do it and scare you.

Almost always cry on demand.

Never stop loving someone who has place in my heart.

Reverse parelle park even though I was never taught.

Make fun of myself almost everday for the amusment of others
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I won’t…

Ever forget my mothers eyes, as they are my eyes. She lives through me.

Repress memories because they are to painful

Let my eyebrows go more than 2 weeks without being waxed, its a slight obsession

Ever loose the ring I am wearing on my right middle finger.

Hurt someone on purpose because they hurt me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will…

Always try and be the best daughter I can be.. Even if its as simple as making my dad dinner so he doesn't sulk or starve.

Try at let people in more and remove some of my walls.

Not tell white lies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shouldn’t…

Swear so much.

Eat so many sovlakis (BUT THEY ARE SOOO GOOD)<----

Push people away.

Jump to conculsions when I don't know the facts.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I should…

Quit smoking.

Find SOME form of exercise that I enjoy. (Do they have fat chicks only dancing?)

Get my ass into gear and sign up for uni even though I am scared.

Never ever ever litter(I know I am a terrible person)

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Guilt

There is so much sad news floating around as of late.
Several IF blogs I follow have had terrible terrible news.
My friend's mum has just started chemo for advanced breast cancer.
I am finding it SO hard to reach out to here, that I just haven't yet.
I am scared, scared of saying the wrong thing, saying too much or not enough.
Every one's experience is different, for S this is the first family heart ache she has had to endure. That seems unlikely but its true.
For me, my mothers cancer was just another bump in the road.
A long road, less travelled.
Its so hard to see someone you love sick.
Seeing a parent sick is particularly hard because you see them as such a strong figure. Her mother is going to be sick, and broken. She'll be angry and upset.
She'll loose her hair, her breasts and possibly her self esteem in the process.

What can you say to that?
How can you in a way try and prepare someone for what you know lies ahead of them?
I guess the answer is you cant.
You can't tell someone they are about to see the worst, because they need hope that they might see the best.
You can't claim to know what it's like to walk in someone Else's shoes.
Even if you've walked in shoes that might be the same size and shape.
Sometimes you have to stand to the side of the path they are walking down.
Hold out your hands and say to them.

If you stumble, I will catch you.
If you need to fall apart, I will listen to you.
If you need to laugh, I will laugh with you.

For all the times I've travelled down a similar path.
I never realised how hard it was to be standing on the other side.
With baited breath you wait to find the right things to say or do.
But there are no right things to do.

Sometimes just knowing that people are standing beside you, is the greatest comfort of all.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

All for believing

Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within

I know you blanket your mind so much that I am blind
But I
I see you've painted your soul into your guard
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing

I need to know just how you feel to comfort you
I need to find the key
Let me in
Into your heart to find your soul

Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing

I'm all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within
And say you will be there for me to hold
When the faith grows old and life turns cold
When the faith grows old and life turns cold

So if you're cold I will stay
Maybe fate will guide the way
I believe in what I see and baby we were meant to be

Friday, August 7, 2009

Capable

I've been thinking about B's comments.

Am I really scared of love?
Do I put a wall up?
Do I feel the need to stop people from loving me?

If I was to be honest. To hurt myself in saying this.
The answer to all of those questions.
Is yes.


Yes I am scared of love.
Why wouldn't I be?

Love has and always will be one of the most painful experiences you can go through.
To love someone gives away a peice of your sanity.

I don't mind living for others. But I hate others living for me.

I'm not gonna sit here and say I've loved and lost so many times.
I haven't.

Each time I've felt love it's been completely different.
Each time its made me question the feelings that came before it.

Is this the real deal?
Will this be it?
Do I want this to be it?

With love comes loss.
Loss is something I've had my fair share of.
Something I'm not willing to take lightly.

Call me sceptical. Or synical. Call me stupid.. I don't care.

Love has always hit me when I least expected it.
Each time I have learnt new lessons.

Love 1- Be true to yourself
Love 2- Sometimes you have to see yourself as others see you
Love 3- Sometimes love just isn't enough
Love 4- True friendship is the essence of companionship
Love 5- Follow your heart

As I look back, I marvel at all of the things I've learnt.
I know that being cold and synical won't help me to learn any new lessons.

I will continue to be overly cautious with my heart.
Because it's become a part of who I am.

That next love.. that's out there.. they'll except that part of me..
They'll except any shitty part of me.

Wont they?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A Okay

Yup thats what I am.
No cysts.
Good lining.
Normal uterus.
Normal Ovaries.
ect ect ect ect

I was the last appointment for the day.. I waited 2 hours to be seen.
I saw sooo many impaitent rude people being rude to the nurses and complaining very loudly.
Tell me people, what does that achieve?

The public healthcare system in this country is good.
If you've gotta wait and your not going to curl over and die in the next 5 minutes then shut up and read your book.

oh she also said its not rare for periods to become extremely light and almost non exisitant while on the pill.. I kinda knew that..
It doesn't bother me so i'll just keep going with what I am doing.
Not really fussed.

Other than that, work was busy.
A guy who has worked for us for 50 years is retiring this month.
It feels weird, he's the guy who hired me.
He is also M's grandfather, he is a really sweet man.
He'll be missed.

Wow I am tired.. I don't have the energy to shower but I must.

I can't believe tomorrow is friday.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Ahh advice required.. again

I know I'm ALWAYS asking for advice but this one is pretty important and not something I want to stuff up.
As I mentioned in my previous post my friends mother has just been diganosed with an advanced and agressive type of breast cancer.

I don't know her mum.. EXTREMLY well. But we have met quite a few times she is a very friendly and kind person.
I'd like to do something.. or send something.
I know she'll be swamped in flowers, and cards to the point where its probably going to be overwhelming.
Chemo will be tough for her as it is for all those battle through it.

I found this poem online.
I was thinking about printing and framing it...


Remember when you heard the words -
and your mind went blank - you were in another world
God heals
Remember in your darkest hours -
when all that surrounds you is pain and sorrow
God heals
Remember friends' prayers - your family's encouragement
- glimmers of hope from everyday angels
God heals
Quiet...you can hear Him now -
always there - yet never this close
God heals
It's just another day -
yet everything has changed - and you hear yourself say
God heals
Birds are singing -
the sky is a beautiful blue - flowers are blooming...
God heals
Truths that you knew as a child -
awakened again with new understanding
God heals
Remember when others can't -
that life is a gift - each day to treasure
God Has Healed


I know her S's mum has faith... but I know in times like this people can be come angry and upset..
I am not sure if in doing this i'd be over stepping the boundary?

Believe me, its fucking WEIRD to be on the other side of hearing such terrible news.
I'm not used to this.

Some advice would be GREAT.

XX

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bad news sucks

It really really does.
A few weeks ago I was at my S's friends wedding.
Everything was really nice.
I noticed S's mum who is 50 years old and uber sweet and funny.. she's one of the cool mums.. but still responsible and wise.. Well she knows how to have fun.

It was her daughters wedding.. and I know that gives her permission to be emotional.. But I just kinda saw something in her that day.
While I was outside having a cigarette with a few of her friends.. we started talking about how we're all gonna die.. one of the ladies commented that her mother had breast cancer and died when she was this age... then the next lady in the group said the same thing. Then I followed with the same thing.
It was a weird topic to just be brought up.. I thought it strange.. especially for a wedding. But I let it go.

Today we had like a dinner party with just a few friends.
My friend invited S but she was unable to attend.
I jokingly asked if she was pregnant again (she already has a son) my friend informed me that they were gonna wait a while.. and I was joking around " Oh she'll be pregnant again in a few months.. you watch"
My friend turned to me in the nicest way possible and said "nah shes got some stuff going on"

Instantly I knew what it was.

Breast Cancer.

The big C strikes again..right at the heart of a loving family. Of a strong and wonderful mother, daughter, friend, spouse.
I am pissed. Pissed for her.. for the pain she will have to endure.
The cancer is aggressive.
It has already spread quite alot to lymph nodes, so they are opting for chemo first and then i am not sure if she's gonna have a masectomy or not.


S's mum has just started chemo.. I am gonna reach out to my friend and her mum in a few days. I don't want to overwhelm them in what will be such a tough time.

I know I've been doing this alot lately but if anyone's got any extra prayers or good thougths saved up.
I am just praying that she has the strength to beat this once and for all.

A diagnosis!

So dad went back to the specialist today.
The doctor suspects he has

Neurocardiogenic syncope
Also commonly known as 'A simple faint'
I guess in all serious-ness we could laugh?
This can be a serious a condition, they found a slight abnormality in his heart.
But I assume he wasn't listening... hmm...

A basic summary means, his blood pressure gets very very low when he is stressed, or dehydrated ect. So he faints. Not all people have seizures while they've fainted.
Its still obviously a concern that he blacks out for 12-13 minutes and appears to stop breathing and turn cold.

He will have a tilt table test which should confirm the diagnosis.

Dad will have to make some life style changes.. including.
Limiting alcohol, increasing fluid intake, eating at regular intervals.
If he contiunes to faint, and have seizures I am asuming he will be put on some kind of medication to help regulate it.

One thing that pissed me off about this is that its found to be genetic.
BOOO
I have an arythmia that they could never identify.
It was evident when I wore a heart monitor for 24 hours.
However it could not be induced.... and no blockages or problems showed on any cardic tests. So maybe Neurocardiogenic syncope is in my future.

Ha..
No I sound like im being sarcastic. I am extremely happy that he has been diganosed with something that is treatable and not a terrible dire diagnosis.

I am also happy that in 9 minutes I will cruise out of this place I call work and head off to have my eye brows waxed and my micro-derm done.
ahhh.. I will then take a chilaxed ride through traffic to my very good friends home.
We are having a small girls dinner party.
Wine, cheese, tacos and chocolate cake.

Can't wait to hang out with my girls.

I hope everyone is having a fine week.
Tomorrow is hump day.

*Crumps*

Monday, August 3, 2009

I've lost it.. Just a little

After a day like today..
I've lost it a little.
I'm talking to myself..
Doing stupid things.. like flipping oil in my face while I was taking the chicken out of the pan. OUCH much?
I am sure it will scar.. just coz thats the cool thing to do if your ME<---

On saturday I was crusing facebook.. I never do.. Some random from primary (elementary) school added me.. he's like "ohhh hey whats up you look hot"
Um hi.. your in a LTR and you have a kid. I appreicate you "THINKING" I look hot since you last saw me when I was 8 but seriously.. fuck off.
The funny thing is I have NO idea who he is.. I just know I went to school with him, coz we went to the same school and were in the same grade... um yeh his name is jamie.. which was a weird name back then for a kid. Hey it was the 90's...
Names like Max or Bailey or Jordan and even Jamie were COMPLETLY uncommon.
I must admit.. I am a bit of a freak with how my name is spelt but whatever.


So while cruising facebook as you know it comes up with "people you may know" and its insane to think just because you have ONE mutal friend in common that you know someone... Well turns out I did.. Turns out.. this was the friend of mine from 10 years ago that I met on the internet and was BEST friends with for 5 years. This is the same guy, who went off the deep end the same time as mum was diagnosed.. I was too fucked up for him, and he was too fucked up for me. Neither of us realised we needed help.. or each other. He pushed me out of his life.. and didn't allow me back in. Not even 2 years later. I tried to contact him.. to no avail.
But there he was.. sitting on facebook.. his profile wasn't private so I messaged him..
Just saying.. "hi how are you" blah blah.. I dont know if you'll respond but I just wanted you to know I often think about you....

A few hours later.. I was shocked to get a reply.
I BURST into tears.
His response was short but friendly.. I was desperate to know how he was and what was going on in his life... to reconnect.

This afternoon while on the phone to Boo.. I saw a response from him.

------


You can see my photo's? I didn't know I was letting that much info outside of the friends list setup thing. Thanks for the compliments on my pics. I appreciate it.

How am I... I'm on a steady program of Effexor and weekly sessions with my therapist. I feel like I'm getting better, but it's weird. I'm weird lol

I'm not sure if I'm ready for us to catch up yet? Sorry, I don't know how to word what I just said but I don't want it to be malicious. It's really nothing against you, I'm just worried that catching up right now might bring up stuff from my past... I don't think my shrink would approve lol. So please don't be offended. I'm not directly avoiding you I'm just trying to be safe/sane.

Anyway thanks again for finding me and sending me a message. I hope a little further on down the track we can finally catch up properly. I'm looking forward to that.

Sorry. But thank you for your patience :)

Bren.

-----

In a way the message broke my heart.
I remember what a fraile state he was in when our friendship ended.
I am so happy that he's on the right path.
I realised that MY therapy has helped me deal with what formally would have been known in my fucked up brain as "rejection"
But its self preservation. He is stronger than I and on the way to recovery.
I cried a little after I read and responded to his message.
It hurts that I can't have him back in my life, he was so important to me for so long.
It wasn't really our fault that our friendship was ruined.
As always there was a love story behind it.
He and my other friend dated for 2 years. It ended BADLY bascially in her pretending that he didn't exisit and not giving a crap when they broke up.
I remember he called me.. I couldn't understand him through his tears.. I sat with him on the phone not saying anything for 2 hours.. It broke my heart. He didn't recover... and still 4 years on he is still recovering.

So yeah... here I am slightly emotional. Glad that I am still feeling. So happy that he contacted me. So releaved to know he's okay. So hopefull for the future.

What's happened to me...
When did I become this normal????

Sleep = My Friend

I prepaired myself for my normal sunday night ritural of little or no sleep.
Its been going on for months now.
Despite waking up early-ish and having a productive day.. I suspected that I still wouldn't sleep.
At around 11:30, I sent RM a random txt message.
He blank messaged me back, which is our thing.
My response was "Don't you blank message me you email/phone call ignoring butt face"

His repsonse "doing it tough, shit weekend. Need a break badly"

I told him to take a break, because quite frankly.. he fucking needs it.
He's a nut job at the moment. I can tell.
Yeh the guy screwed me over and smashed my heart a little.. but I still care about him going off the deep end. I am not trying to save him. Just trying to be there.
Laugh at me all you want, I am young and stupid. So I have an excuse for being so nieve.

He admited that he was going to the doctors(possibly indicating meds) and seeing a shrink today. I was more than a little bit thrilled. Its not hard for ANYONE to know they need help. But for a middle aged guy who definatly has some serious issues.. I am really very fucking proud of him.

He started going on and on about when I was coming to Sydney.
My response indicated ummm never.
Then he started listing all my favourite things.
Motorbike riding, absailing, cocktails ha.
Its hard to say no to him, but at the end of the day. He knows that I am staying put.. At least until he is sane and we both accept we will be nothing more than friends. EVER.
I am not gonna lie. There is still a flutter there, but its dulled SIGNIFICANTLY>>>><<<< which is great because I am feeling better about it by the day.

Anyway onto other news.
Yes I'm sorry he still takes up so much of my time in this blog.

Dad...
Sorry what dad.. no im joking. I havent seen or spoken to him since last tuesday. I am assuming his still alive otherwise I would have heard something? Ha. Not funny.
He is still waiting to get test results back... the feedback he got during the tests was that they weren't able to identify everything.
He is trying to eat better-ish. Not go so hard on days when he's tired. But it's very hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
No news is apparently good news.


M's son J.
Poor little bugger now has a killer cold.
M is being the stay at home parent today so I am without him at work.
J Still doesnt have movement back in his face, but its a wait and see type thing.


One of my PET peeves is when people come to work sick.
One of the older guys here is in his office which is quite close to where I sit COUGHING his lungs up every 30 seconds.
It's terribly annoying and off putting.
Sick people belong IN BED

Well I better run.. there is work to be done.

Or something to that affect.

XX

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Like sands through the hour glass

Well you know the rest.
As Time continues to pass us all by. This weekend I made the choice to be more proactive that I have been recently.
Although the alure of sleeping late, doing nothing and then bitching about why I get no sleep on sunday night/monday morning has clearly been high on my adgenda recently. I choose to do something different this weekend.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour, got up at a reasonable hour, drove around and did a few little things that I had been needing today.
Yesterday while on my way to breakfast.. I had rememered staring at the fridge for the 209824938 time thinking "god I wish you were clean" then closing the fridge and going about my business.
I decided that enough was enough and on the way home I stopped by to pick up an array of cleaning products.
Then I spent approximately 1.5 hours cleaning the fridge and the oven.

It's not that I hate cleaning.. but believe me I am no domestic godess and I hate ironing so much that I actually analyse the need for ironing when I am purchasing new items of clothing.

I will be the first too admit that my mother did everything for us.
She obsessivly cleaned the house, washed our sheets, did our ironing, dusted, vaccumed, mopped. You name it she did it. Daily, Weekly, Monthly.

When my mum got sick she insisted that I learnt how to do an array of domestic chores.. Such as knowing how to clean a toilet and bathroom properly.
I guess I resented this in a way because she wasnt grabbing my brothers by the arms and throwing them into the bathroom to learn how to scrub a bathtub just right.

As time as gone on, I have learnt to hate these mundane tasks more and more.
I will do them. Of course because I am not a dirty person.. I am a messy person.. but not a dirty person.

But it took me staring at the fridge for the upteenth time to know that it needed to be cleaned and organised.

Of course now that the fridge was clean. The pantry needed to be cleaned.
So thats my task for today. I am covered in flour and sugar... The bin is stocked full of rubbish. There are more bottles for the recyling bin than ever before.

Normally the thought of this would make me cringe.. but right now I am channeling my mum. I know it sounds stupid but she would be proud that I am not sitting on my ass.. well I am right now.. but I wont be in 5 minutes when I am back into my task.
She'd be proud that I saw something that needed to be done, and I did it.
Because that's what she would do.

There will come a day, when I can look in the mirror and know that all the good parts of her.. can in someway live on in me.
Even if its just in the way I clean the fridge, or the toilet or the sink.

Thats comforting when It seems like its all i've got left

Time

I am finding it hard to fathom that we are already into August.
In all honesty it seems like only yesterday it was new years eve.
I have been in my new position almost 12 months now.
My dad has been with his girlfriend for more than a year now.
My mum has almost been gone 3 years now.

Time, slipping away slowly from me.
I am closer to 23 than I am to 22.

I sit here and I try to process just how much my life has changed in the last few years. But I can't.
Sometimes I forget.
I forget everything thats happened.
All the tears, all the joy, all the heart ache.
But then I wake up and I know that this is my reality.
All of these things DID actually happen, and i've got no choice but to accept it and roll with the punches.
But damn sometimes isn't it hard

Saturday, August 1, 2009

wow

I just watched the movie Dear Zachary Its a documentary about sharing the life and stories about his father.
His father was murdered by his mother.
Wow.. just wow.
I am without words honestly.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

When will today END???

I woke up late today.
I thought GREAT, i'll be a little late for work.... less work for me (It's thursday sue me)
Somehow I managed to be on time for work. WTF?
The one day I want traffic it's not around.
I get to work and my boss informs me M wont be until later because he's had some "drama" he needs to sort out.
I freak out because M rarely has any drama, besides of course when his 18 month old J is sick.
I asked my boss what had happened and he goes "its pretty serious"
So now im freaking out and im like SHIT SHIT SHIT.
My boss won't tell me anything, he's respecting M's privacy and I understand that. But M was going to come straight in and tell me anyway. I didn't bother him.

When he went to pick up his son from day care last night he was told he'd been acting "a bit weird"
By the time he got there at 5:30, the right side of his sons face had been paralsyed.
His wife (who is very high strung at the best of times) was freaking out, they took him to the hospital who basically said "oh wait and see"
J still has sensation in his face, and he can also still see out of his eye but one side of his face is just dormant.

They said its most likely Bell's Palsy Of which 95 % of children fully recover.
Still an extremely tramatic experience for both of these young parents.
I can tell M didn't get a wink of sleep from being at the hospital just to watching J sleep. He's not an emotional guy and doesn't tend to get very visably upset.
Anyway they didn't like the "wait and see" approach so they managed to get him into a specialist today. He's waiting on the call now for how it goes.

If anyone has any spare prayers please say a prayer for J and for M & his wife.

I still can't believe how slow today is gone. I am so so so looking forward to going home and having a shower/crawling into bed.

Man I had some drama last night as well. So many emotions going on in my head at the moment. I can't seem to work out what the hell is what.
It's doing my head in(<---- Very aussie saying)

The only thing going through my mind right now is
BED BED BED BED BED BED BED BED

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Anger

I hate so much that my anger consumes me sometimes.
I guess its just part of my depression which doesn't really help.
With all the work piling up, and the stress building I feel like I am kinda close to breaking point. Those few days of did wonders for me, but slowly I feel the pressure building on myself again and there is really no way out.

There is nothing more I can do besides tell myself to suck it up princess and just move on. Focus on the tasks I have to do, and forget about everything else.
Its harder than it appears.

My hair is being an asshole again so I am going to treat myself to a lovely
Avacado Hair Mask

And PRAY for a good night sleep.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Annoyed

That I am exhausted and awake.
That I am missing my mum so much.
That my dad finally gave me my mums wedding ring.
That I then 5 minutes later heard him say "good night princess, I love you" (And he meant it)
That RM has disapeared from my life and I feel a massive void. Like my heart has been smashed into a millon peices.
That I have so much work pilled on my desk sometimes I find it hard to breathe.
That no matter how hard I try to change I never can.
That I am transfering my affection. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
That they don't know whats wrong with my dad when something clearly is.
That I constantly am craving someone to talk to.
That I haven't slept in a bed snuggled up to anyone for more than a year now.
That I want to quit smoking but dont even have the guts to try.
That I now constantly crave sovlaki.
That I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if your dead.
That wanting to help someone, and them letting you actually help them is not fucking simple.
That my heart is exposed.
That I am slacking in paying off my debt.
That I am spending too much money.

Is it possible to catch a cold from pants?

Well to be fair.. They were WET PANTS.
This morning I woke up.. Late mind you. Jumped in the shower, crap I had to wash my hair. Dry my hair, do my make up.
Go to get my nice dry clean clothes out of the dryer.
Whats that?
They are still wet?
Hmm I must have forgotten to turn it on, whoops.
Typical me, remember to plug something in but forget to press the button.
I gave my Shirt, pants, and jumper 10 minutes to dry...
They weren't 100 %.. okay they were about 40 % dry.
I spent most of the trip to work with the heater on full blast trying to dry my shirt so my chest didn't get cold.
When I get a sore chest it aches coz I have some problem with my sternham.

Got to work, feeling rather please with my self.. sat down for 45 minutes and got stuck into work. When I got up to pee a little while later I realised JUST how wet my pants were, when they almost left a wet patch on my chair.
Thank gawd my pants are black or I would have looked significantly more foolish.
I will admit that I do smell like wet dog... However a few hours later I am feeling very dry but mighty unwell.
I dislike people who come to work sick..
GO HOME TO BED PEOPLE.
DONT RUIN MY WEEK COZ YOU'VE GOT PIG FLU.


Caz out

Stalkers? On the internet? NO WAY

Yes I am awake.
Yes its late... 1:30am.. booo
I wish I was asleep, sadly sleep eludes me on sunday nights.
I was playing around on stat counter..
Yes stat counter.. Because I am LAME and I like to know who visits my blog.
Stat counter has many features, you can see who was on your page, when, where they came from, blah blah blah ect.

However they also have a vistors map which basically shows the better half of the world.. With little flags identifying who has viewed your blog.
Awesome, basically its just a snap shot. Obviously most of my visitors come from the states "waves hello"

I decided to click on one of the little markers coz i'd never done that before.
SO click I dids, and I noticed there was a "zoom in" button, surely this thing couldnt give me anymore information that such and such lives in this town and uses this web browser and recently visited your site.
Well surely I was wrong. The more I zoomed in, the more info I got.
From country it went to state from state it went to city, from city it went to NEIGHBOURHOOD and if you kept on clicking it gives you the persons approixmate address.
WTF is up with that stat counter.
I love the people who read my blog but i'm not gonna randomly show up at there house.
GAWD.

I have no idea WHY this freaks me out.
Clearly I'm not gonna do anything sus with this information.
But in the wrong hands..
EEEP

This is why people remain annoyomus on the interwebs..

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Kreative Blogger Award, who me??




I feel honored to have been tagged by the awesome Alyssa from twists of fate.
I could honestly go into a mini post about how awesome Alyssa is but to sum it up, Alyssa is kind and funny, and has been extremely supportive of me and my story and I truely value her friendship. Alyssa is wise behond her years and as an amazing person.


The responsibilities that come with the award consist of listing 7 things you love and then 7 blogs you'd like to pass the award on to.


1) Coffee. It goes without saying that I really could not live without my coffee for me it fills me up and keeps me awake on those cold winter mornings.
At present I spent $7.50 per day on coffee, which would make the average cost of my addiction $1500 a year. Ya know what? I don't care.
Latte, Cappucino, shot of hazlenut and fill me up.

2)My lovely guess hand bag. I hate shopping, except for handbags.
Guess is my absoulte fave due to the fact they that are extremely pretty.. hehe and well made. I am not a huge girly girl.. but me loves the giant pink tote I got from my brother/dad for christmas. 7 months later its still going strong. No wear and tear.. well except for the pen stains on the lining.

3) Pyjama's. I love my pj's I was thinking about asking everyone if we could have a "come to work in your pj's day" I am sure someone would turn up half naked to draw attention to themselves. If I am at home relaxing, I rarely and I mean rarely am actually dressed enough to go out. Always in my pj's.

4) Football. I know I am such a bogan but I just LOVE footy. I have been going since I was 3 years old and my passion for that will never waver. Hopefully if I have children I will pass this passion onto them as its one of the things my dad and I have bonded over through-out my life.

5) Work. Yup i just said it. Work. I've been working since I was 14 years old. Although I might bitch and moan, love my holidays. I realise that I am truly lucky to have a good job. I started young and after 3 years I have already moved up in the company. Thats something that doesnt happen all that often. I love most of the people I work with, and I love helping people so that the business and companies we work with thrive.

6) Blogging, aw hell that one was obvious. I love blogging it has really been the best sort of therapy for me this years.

7) Sovlaki's. I know its lame but I love them. They have become my weakness when it comes to fast food. I am drooling over the thought of having one right now, coz I haven't eaten dinner. But I must give them a miss tonight.


And now for 7 blogs I love love love.

Loren
Bella
Tarrah
Kitty
http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com/
http://thejeweledcaptainswife.blogspot.com/
Sarah


In other news.. I am thinking about doing a Vlog.
But I will really struggle to come up with a topic.. so if anyone can think of any topics for me to talk about.. or give me any ideas or have any questions...
Pretty please let me know.. Then I will try and do a Vlog.

Hope everyone is having/has had a nice weekend.
I can't believeeee mine is almost over.

I'm not very creative

However.. I have been playing around in photoshop.
I have been following many tutorials.
Normally I get half way through and then give up.
Today and persevered and
TA DAAAAAa




I love abstract stuff and this is about as abstract as it gets.. while still making a little bit of sense.

WOW its late in the afternoon I gotta get to the chemist before it closes.

Body Image

The dreaded body image post.
I was born small just over 5 pounds.
I was full term, completely healthy.
My mother smoked during her pregnancy.. it was the 80's i've forgiven her. You should too.
I took kindly to the breast, but I wasn't the kindest of babies. I hacked at her nipples until they were about to fall off.
During my first 6 months, they accused my mother because I had none other than;
"FAILURE TO THRIVE" those dreaded words no one wants to hear.
I was small, but again healthy.
From birth until about 7 I was completly normal, if not on the smaller side.. my dad used to sing me this song.
"I know a girl named obey canobeee, shes a skinny as a stick of macaroni"
By the time I was 9 two years later, my dad stopped singing me that song because I'd suddenly developed a thickness.
I began to chunk up around 8 year old we moved to a new neighbourhood where I new no one, suddenly I wasn't outside playing. I was inside watching our newly installed cable. Through-out this time I continued to play sport, but I wasn't any good because my weight was starting to get the better of me.
By the time I was 10 I was significantly overweight and I have stayed that way since.

Around 10 was when I was abused, I am not going to say that was the major catalyst in why I gained so much weight but I believe it had a part in it.

As time went on..I was bullied. I was a full on child and I believe my mother used food as a way to make me happy. I don't remember being different from the other kids.. I ate three meals a day, I occasionally snacked.. Did exercise but somehow I kept growing.

By the time I started high school... Lets face it.. I was a BIG girl.
At 12 I was almost fully developed with large breasts.
I wasn't the only large girl in my class, there were a few others.
We were picked on. Through this I gained a very very thick skin, not much in this world bothers me.
I began to realise at about 14 that I was different. I was so much larger than my friends. While they wore all the "cool clothes" and became interested in boys obsessivly. I withdrew. I ate to hide the fact that I was desperatly unhappy with my apperance.

I went on diets, low carbs, no carbs, no sugar.
Normally I would suceed for a small period of time but then i'd be right back to my old ways.

Searching for acceptance I found solace in the internet and began to explore my sexuality.
I found people online who I could relate to. They couldn't see who I was.. Only pictures that I chose to share. I found great comfort in these people.
When I met my first girlfriend online I remember being so scared that she'd hate me because I was so fat. But we met and she was in awe of my personality. I couldn't believe my luck. After my first relationship ended, I always figured that it was something to do with how I looked.

My underbite also bothered me quite a bit during this time. I felt ugly and fat.
I would constantly hang shit on myself because it was better than others doing it for me.

When I met georgia online I obsessivly told her how fat I was. I told her she wouldn't like me and that I was ugly. She couldn't have disagreed more.
When I finally met her, I saw the way she looked at me.
I began to feel beautiful. Being with her was different. I wasn't self conscious. I didn't mind if she would watch me eat, hell I knew I was different. I was a big girl. But she made me feel beautiful. With her I could completely be myself. I didn't care if she saw me naked. When she touched my stomach I wouldn't cringe. To this day, no one has made me feel like that.
I love her immensly for showing me that kind of love, trust and respect.
I don't need to be told that I am beautiful, but when someone looks at you and you know how they feel about you. That is priceless.

Fast forward a few years. I never really maintained or watched my weight. I went up, and down.. never by a whole heap. Until my mum got sick.
Food because MY BEST FRIEND. Food wasn't judgemental, it didn't ask me questions. It wouldn't pick a fight with me. It was just there. It filled me, even for those 15 minutes after you eat. I was full and I was happy.

After mum died, I continued to gain weight. I didn't realise until some new stretchmarks emerged on my stomach. Shit I thought, I better ease up.

Then I had my jaw surgery.. No food for 3 weeks will do wonders for your body. I quickly began to shed the kilos. My face too had changed.. I guess I felt more attractive. Then I decided that if i'd lost all this weight not trying. I was gonna try. I joined curves, and lite n easy. I watched my calories, BARELY ever cheated.
I'd lost about 15 kilos and thats when it started.

Unwanted attention. From friends, from strangers, from co workers. Telling me how great I looked. I hate people looking at me, watching me. Noticing what I am doing.
And then someone from work pulled me right into line.
All of a sudden he began telling me how great I looked, how I was beautiful and smart and funny. Being nieve and only ever into women. I was shocked at getting all this attention. At work he would annoy me everyday with constant questions about what was I doing to look so great, and why didn't I have a boyfriend.
On more than one occasion. He crossed the line.

Then all of a sudden.. I stopped caring. Yeah I looked better on the outside but on the inside I was dead. How could any amount of weight, encourage that much extra attention, let alone from a married man with 3 children.
I was upset. I tried to focus on my depression and get that in check. Slowly I began to gain weight, at first it wasn't noticable.
20 kilos or 44 pounds later.. It is.

I have fallen back into the grasps of depression. I struggle to breath some days, let alone control what I eat or exercise.
I know that I have the power to change my own body, I've done it before.
My self esteem is shot in a way, but in a way its strangly impowered.
I realised through my weightlosses and gains, my image doesnt ever change that much.
If I weigh 90 kilos, or 50 kilos.. I am still going to look at my self and see the same flaws.

Being told your beautiful doesn't always help.
When B was down, I was nervous about him seeing me. Yes he's a happily married man but I was smaller last time he saw me. I never noticed the way he looked at me before. On one of the days he was down, I was sitting on the floor throwing some kind of hissy fit and stuffing paper into postal tubes.. He looked down at me and asked if I would send something for him.
He smiled at me.. and in that instant I knew he was thinking that I was beautiful.
Not from the outside, because I was clearly more attractive on the outside 18 months ago. But on the inside, He knows me. The in's and outs of my personality. He has heard me swear, and throw tantrums. Cry and scream and bitch and yell.
And he still thinks I'm beautiful.

I don't think obesity is sexy. I know that if I don't eventually lose SOME of this weight that my health will begin to suffer. I am a realist. I don't wear items of clothing that are inappropriate. I don't flaunt my fat, or claim to be hot stuff.
At the end of the day.. I will be the same person with or without the extra weight.
I can struggle and push myself to the limits. If I wanted to stop eating, and exercise insesntly. I could, I know I could.
But right now, thats not who I want to be.
I've desired to look a certain way never for myself, but always for others.

I will never do that to myself again.
In my own time I will see the beauty that a select few people see in me.

Then I'll be changed for good and no amount of compliments or extra attention will have me throwing big macs down my throat to stop people from staring.
When I am ready. Nothing will stop me.

Secrets and lies part 2

Following on from my previous post.

After losing her 2 first children my grandmother began to slowly put the peices of her life back togerther.
Eventually she met a lovely man, who would become her husband.
She had two beautiful children and was living a happy and contented life with a man who loved. They had built a wonderful family.
Her husband then suffered a heart attack and died.
Young still and alone with two young children my grandmother fought to make it on her own.

Working as a cook she met a charming and attractive older gentlemen who had not long returned from the second world war.
They began to have an affair at first it was all roses, but then he began to change.
He became aggressive and violent able to turn on my grandmother at any moment.
Time passed and unable to leave the abusive relationship, my grandmother again fell pregnant.
When she told him of this, he told her if she didn't "fix the problem" that he would "fix it for her"
My grandmother had no choice but to have a backyard abortion. The abortion led to complications due to the way it was done and she bled so much that she almost died.

Still after this experience she was not able to free herself from the clutches of his man. Time passed and regretably she fell pregnant again.
This time she was pregnant with my mother.

My grandmother stood up to him and told him it was over her dead body that she was terminating the pregnancy.He would beat her frequently.

Thankfully my mother was born safe and well.
Around the time of my mothers birth the physical relationship between the two of them ended.
My mother was the child of two unwed alcoholics. Astrasized from both side of her family. My grandmother struggled to put food on the table for her children.
While my grandfathers family who was notably well off refused to support or help more than a few occasional weekend visits.
During this time my grandfather would go over and beat my grandmother.
His family knew this was happening and allowed it.

Probably the biggest family secret of all is that although my aunt has never said anything, we are pretty sure she was abused sexually by my grandfather.
There were often times that he was left alone with her two older children while he worked. He would at times "discpline them" but it is a general concencious in our family that this is a strong possibility. My aunt is a wonderful person but she has major difficulty in showing love or affection. Mostly to her own children.
There was a time in my life when we lived close to our grandfather.. I assume that my mother found out or suspected the abuse. Within 2 weeks we had moved states, as my mum couldn't stand to look out the window as it looked directly down to his house by the water.

So there you have it, just a few of my family secrets

Secrets and lies part 1

Growing up my mother was always very cautious about the information she shared about her up bringing. I know that she did not have an easy or pleasant child hood.
When I was about 17 I began to ask more and more questions about my mothers family.

When my grandmother was 17 she fell in love.. great yes?
Nope. She fell in love with a man who she didn't know was married.
Soon enough she was pregnant. 60+ Years ago the technologly wasn't what it is now there was no POAS or beta's to let her know she was expecting.
Being young and nieve she continued living her life, loving this man.
Eventually when she admited to herself she was pregnant this nice loving man turned on her saying that he wanted nothing to do with her. Naturally she was devestated.
When she was almost 8 months along she went into premature labour. Taken to place that specialized in the "unwed" mothers department. Here is where it gets fuzzy, as her labour progressed she was given medication that rendered her almost unable to function.She was able to give birth, to twins.
Immediatly following the birth she was given more medication that rendered her unconcious.

When she awoke and asked for HER children.
She was told that they were both still born and had died.

As my mother sat there and told me this story my jaw dropped to the floor.
"But that's what they would say when they were going to give children up for adoption without the parents consent"

This happened quite often in Australia in the 30's + 40's right up until the 60's.
Women told there babies had died in order to place them for adoption.
Young single mothers who had been taken advantage of.

My grandmother never saw those children.
Haunted by the painful memories of a love that had been so cruel.
She never tried to find out if they were really alive.
I understand that it would have been painful, and confusing to a young women.

Before my mother died we contemplated trying to track down the records of the children's birth. Being that it was almost 70 years ago it would have been understanably hard.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder.
Do I really have more aunty's or uncles out there?
Are they still alive? Did they have a good life?

Sadly I think these questions will always remain unanswered.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

writters block

Kinda..
Right now I feel like I have SO much I could write..
But it would all just come out jumbled.
I want to write a few posts.. i've seen a few posts on body image.. I definatly want to throw in my 2 cents on that.
I want to speak about my family and a few secrets that have been floating in my mind lately.....
I want to bitch about AF being a no show again which means either i'm on the wrong pill or its too fricken good.
That reminds me, need a new prescription of my crazy pills tomorrow.
I want to write about a list of goals I am thinking of giving myself.... yup i'm procrastinating about life changing decsions thats probably not a good sign.
The bloggy world has been a bit quite as of late... Lots of things going on.
I also have an Un-Healthy obsession with the game "diner dash"
I am pretty sure it was designed for 10 year olds. I keep getting caught up in games that last for 40 minutes. I am such a loser.. I am not hungry but I strongly feel the urge to eat.. oh if only I had that list of life style changes to refer to maybe i'd be doing a bit better.

Lots in the works...
Stay tuned..
or not.. its really up to you.

Friday, July 24, 2009

I should have quit while I was ahead

Just here Today actually, I shared my experience with falling in and out of love.
That love, that nagging love must have been at the back of my mind all day.
I pushed it away, got right down to work. Handed out the mini quiches that I had made for all the boys happily.
I worked away, we laughed and joked and I generally enjoyed my VERY BUSY friday.

Until 4:26pm when my darling B left a message on my phone.
He's a funny bugger with his short messages "Call me, re this customer and this flyer" Awesome I can spend the last 20 minutes of work speaking to one of my favourite people. So I dial the number.. and it rings. Odd I think, he'd have answered by now... But still I let it ring.. hang on what number did I ring again...

"Well hello" says a familar and un-mistakeable voice.

Thinks to self
SHIT FUCK SHIT BUGGER POO SHIT

"Uh hi, hows it going"

"ahh yeh okay and you?"

"Umm yeh not bad, okay I feel bad but I dialled the wrong number.. so weird"

"Not weird at all"

I can hear him smirking down the other end of the line.

Sucess he's thinking 4 weeks, no phone calls. I broke her. (okay maybe i'm being harsh he could have just been happy to talk to me)

General chit chat follow.. how's you.. tells me about the situation with the kids. Nothing new there, just a lot of back and forth.

During the course of the conversation he uses a big word... big meaning more than three silabals. I repeat the word.. knowing what it meant but it still surprises me that he talks like such a "grown up" when he's such a big kid.

He then proceeds to tell me this story about the movie beverly hills cop and how the word is revelant in the movie.. quoting the line from the movie and the guy.
Honestly I feel stupid because I can't remember the word now and its driving me NUTS!

The whole time hes talking im just sitting there going red thinking
"I CANT BELIEVE I CALLED HIM< SHIT SHIT SHIT"

Finally he stops talking and says "thats me and my random memories eh"
I respond with
"Selective memory of a goldfish"

he laughs hysterically.. as he only he does.

And I say "wellll"
Ya know that wellll ya do when you want to end a conversation.

He wishes me a good weekend, and then thats it.

I was short, sharp and slightly rude while talking to him.
So I sent him txt to say sorry.
I can't help it!!!
I don't like to be rude!!!!!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

LET THEM GO

Someone has hold of my invisable testicles.
Okay.. not actually testicles.
But I am being pulled in every which way today.
I've been at work for 6 hours, and I have a to do list a mile long.
I was actually looking forward to relaxing back into work.. thinking people would give me a bit of space coz ya know I'VE BEEN ON FAMIL LEAVE YA KNOW.
But no.
Everyone wants everything done, and yesterday.
"I've got this important meeting"
"I need this as soon as possible"
"Could you just do this for me quickly"

Seriously people.
Lay off.
Busting my gut will NOT get anything done for you quicker.
Despite being a very helpful person, I have my own list of prorities.
I'm not going to set aside every hour of my day catering to YOUR every need.
Sure I want to help, but killing me with requests isn't going to get that done quicker.
Its just going to overwhelm and frustrate me completly.

So really, how is everyone doing?
How's has everyone week been so far?


End Rant

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

And the award for the best daughter in the world goes too

ME!
I am so tired, but still awake.
I figure If I can keep checking on dad til about 4am... ish he'll stay awake for his test tomorrow. It's important.
I am wrecked, and in the midst of an emotional conflict...
More on that later


LAYER ONE: On The Outside
- Name: Caragh
- Nickname: Caz,Obeone,Doeven,Dobean,Raragh
- Birth date: Feb 15
- Eye Color: Green
- Hair Color: Blonde
- Height: 5'4 1/2
- Righty or Lefty: Righty
- Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

LAYER TWO: On The Inside
- Your heritage: Dutch mostly
- Who you look like: Both my parents
- Your weakness: Love
- Your fears: I am fearless.. that or big spiders, death and fire
- Your perfect pizza: BBQ meat lovers
- Goal you'd like to achieve: Go back to uni, find partner, have babies.. all before im 30... I know i'm dreaming

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
- Your most overused phrase on messenger: lol
- Your thoughts first waking up: noooooooo
- Your best physical feature: My eyes and the jaw/teeth that cost me $10,000
- Your bedtime: N/A.. Insomnia is AWESOME
- Your most missed memory: Being in love

LAYER FOUR: Your Pick
- Pepsi or Coke: Coke
- McDonald's or Burger King: HUNGRY JACKS(aussie verison of burger king)
- Single or group dates: Single
- Adidas or Nike: Nike
- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccion

LAYER FIVE: Do You?
- Smoke: Yes, sadly
- Cuss: fuck no!
- Sing: I used to do it alot, now not so much
- Believe in yourself: Ha gawd no
- Get motion sickness: Nope
- Think you're attractive: Nope
- Think you're a health freak: Not even close.
- Get along with your parents: My dad goes alright
- Like thunderstorms: Love them.
- Play an instrument: I used to sing and I can play mary had a little lamb on the recorder

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
- Drank alcohol: Um, yes.
- Smoked: Yes
- Done a drug: Nope
- Gone to the mall: Yes
- Cried: hmmm yes
- Kissed someone you didnt want to: Nope,
- Been on stage: ??? No.
- Gone skating: No, but I so totally would.
- Gone skinny dipping? No
- Dyed your hair: Nope
- Stolen anything: Nope

LAYER SEVEN: Ever..
- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Very
- Been caught "doing" something? I like to have sex in public so err yes
- Gotten beaten up? Yes
- Shoplifted: Never ever

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older
- Age you hope to be married: I don't want to get married
- Numbers and Names of Children: WOA thats too far ahead.
I want a couple of kids, but as for names I would like to name one after my mum as a second name
- Describe your dream wedding: N/A
- What country would you most like to visit: FIJI!!


LAYER NINE: In a partner
- Best eye color: Eh.. i'm not fussed.. probably lighter than darker though
- Hair color: Not fussed as long as they like it
- Short or long hair: Short on guys, long on girls.(I swing both ways..sorta)
- Height: Taller than me
- Weight: N/A
- Best articles of clothing: Nothing thats too tight on guys.. for a woman anything that suits them and makes them feel beautiful

LAYER TEN: In The Numbers...
- Number of people I could trust with my life: ??????
- Number of CDs that I own: 40??
- Number of piercings: Just ear lobes.
- Number of tattoos: Three
- Number of times name has appeared in the newspaper? No Idea

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Just to prove my boss is an idiot.

The other day at work we were having a discussion about fertility.
My friend M thinks that he is extremely fertile. His son was concieved 3 weeks into his relationship with his wife, it turned out to be a happy ending.
Because of this one "happy accident" he seems to think that if he blinked at his wife while she was ovulating that she would be pregnant.. or something along those lines..

This of course led to the topic of infertility.
B my friend who struggled with infertility for many years, openly discusses his infertility. The problems, and struggles they had to go through to concieve their son.

My boss chimed in that he knew a couple who tried to concieve for many years.
5 years on their own, and 5 years with IVF.
He then went on to say after 10 years, they save up.
Relaxed... and as the urban myth went on...
He revealed that after they "just relaxed" they went on to concieve not only one miracle baby, but two.

I am not an expert in infertility, but reading all of the stories.. following the journey's that many of my blogger friends are on.
I tend to wonder if he as confused and got the story wrong.

Reason 234823984029839 as too why my boss is an idiot.