Sunday, July 26, 2009

Body Image

The dreaded body image post.
I was born small just over 5 pounds.
I was full term, completely healthy.
My mother smoked during her pregnancy.. it was the 80's i've forgiven her. You should too.
I took kindly to the breast, but I wasn't the kindest of babies. I hacked at her nipples until they were about to fall off.
During my first 6 months, they accused my mother because I had none other than;
"FAILURE TO THRIVE" those dreaded words no one wants to hear.
I was small, but again healthy.
From birth until about 7 I was completly normal, if not on the smaller side.. my dad used to sing me this song.
"I know a girl named obey canobeee, shes a skinny as a stick of macaroni"
By the time I was 9 two years later, my dad stopped singing me that song because I'd suddenly developed a thickness.
I began to chunk up around 8 year old we moved to a new neighbourhood where I new no one, suddenly I wasn't outside playing. I was inside watching our newly installed cable. Through-out this time I continued to play sport, but I wasn't any good because my weight was starting to get the better of me.
By the time I was 10 I was significantly overweight and I have stayed that way since.

Around 10 was when I was abused, I am not going to say that was the major catalyst in why I gained so much weight but I believe it had a part in it.

As time went on..I was bullied. I was a full on child and I believe my mother used food as a way to make me happy. I don't remember being different from the other kids.. I ate three meals a day, I occasionally snacked.. Did exercise but somehow I kept growing.

By the time I started high school... Lets face it.. I was a BIG girl.
At 12 I was almost fully developed with large breasts.
I wasn't the only large girl in my class, there were a few others.
We were picked on. Through this I gained a very very thick skin, not much in this world bothers me.
I began to realise at about 14 that I was different. I was so much larger than my friends. While they wore all the "cool clothes" and became interested in boys obsessivly. I withdrew. I ate to hide the fact that I was desperatly unhappy with my apperance.

I went on diets, low carbs, no carbs, no sugar.
Normally I would suceed for a small period of time but then i'd be right back to my old ways.

Searching for acceptance I found solace in the internet and began to explore my sexuality.
I found people online who I could relate to. They couldn't see who I was.. Only pictures that I chose to share. I found great comfort in these people.
When I met my first girlfriend online I remember being so scared that she'd hate me because I was so fat. But we met and she was in awe of my personality. I couldn't believe my luck. After my first relationship ended, I always figured that it was something to do with how I looked.

My underbite also bothered me quite a bit during this time. I felt ugly and fat.
I would constantly hang shit on myself because it was better than others doing it for me.

When I met georgia online I obsessivly told her how fat I was. I told her she wouldn't like me and that I was ugly. She couldn't have disagreed more.
When I finally met her, I saw the way she looked at me.
I began to feel beautiful. Being with her was different. I wasn't self conscious. I didn't mind if she would watch me eat, hell I knew I was different. I was a big girl. But she made me feel beautiful. With her I could completely be myself. I didn't care if she saw me naked. When she touched my stomach I wouldn't cringe. To this day, no one has made me feel like that.
I love her immensly for showing me that kind of love, trust and respect.
I don't need to be told that I am beautiful, but when someone looks at you and you know how they feel about you. That is priceless.

Fast forward a few years. I never really maintained or watched my weight. I went up, and down.. never by a whole heap. Until my mum got sick.
Food because MY BEST FRIEND. Food wasn't judgemental, it didn't ask me questions. It wouldn't pick a fight with me. It was just there. It filled me, even for those 15 minutes after you eat. I was full and I was happy.

After mum died, I continued to gain weight. I didn't realise until some new stretchmarks emerged on my stomach. Shit I thought, I better ease up.

Then I had my jaw surgery.. No food for 3 weeks will do wonders for your body. I quickly began to shed the kilos. My face too had changed.. I guess I felt more attractive. Then I decided that if i'd lost all this weight not trying. I was gonna try. I joined curves, and lite n easy. I watched my calories, BARELY ever cheated.
I'd lost about 15 kilos and thats when it started.

Unwanted attention. From friends, from strangers, from co workers. Telling me how great I looked. I hate people looking at me, watching me. Noticing what I am doing.
And then someone from work pulled me right into line.
All of a sudden he began telling me how great I looked, how I was beautiful and smart and funny. Being nieve and only ever into women. I was shocked at getting all this attention. At work he would annoy me everyday with constant questions about what was I doing to look so great, and why didn't I have a boyfriend.
On more than one occasion. He crossed the line.

Then all of a sudden.. I stopped caring. Yeah I looked better on the outside but on the inside I was dead. How could any amount of weight, encourage that much extra attention, let alone from a married man with 3 children.
I was upset. I tried to focus on my depression and get that in check. Slowly I began to gain weight, at first it wasn't noticable.
20 kilos or 44 pounds later.. It is.

I have fallen back into the grasps of depression. I struggle to breath some days, let alone control what I eat or exercise.
I know that I have the power to change my own body, I've done it before.
My self esteem is shot in a way, but in a way its strangly impowered.
I realised through my weightlosses and gains, my image doesnt ever change that much.
If I weigh 90 kilos, or 50 kilos.. I am still going to look at my self and see the same flaws.

Being told your beautiful doesn't always help.
When B was down, I was nervous about him seeing me. Yes he's a happily married man but I was smaller last time he saw me. I never noticed the way he looked at me before. On one of the days he was down, I was sitting on the floor throwing some kind of hissy fit and stuffing paper into postal tubes.. He looked down at me and asked if I would send something for him.
He smiled at me.. and in that instant I knew he was thinking that I was beautiful.
Not from the outside, because I was clearly more attractive on the outside 18 months ago. But on the inside, He knows me. The in's and outs of my personality. He has heard me swear, and throw tantrums. Cry and scream and bitch and yell.
And he still thinks I'm beautiful.

I don't think obesity is sexy. I know that if I don't eventually lose SOME of this weight that my health will begin to suffer. I am a realist. I don't wear items of clothing that are inappropriate. I don't flaunt my fat, or claim to be hot stuff.
At the end of the day.. I will be the same person with or without the extra weight.
I can struggle and push myself to the limits. If I wanted to stop eating, and exercise insesntly. I could, I know I could.
But right now, thats not who I want to be.
I've desired to look a certain way never for myself, but always for others.

I will never do that to myself again.
In my own time I will see the beauty that a select few people see in me.

Then I'll be changed for good and no amount of compliments or extra attention will have me throwing big macs down my throat to stop people from staring.
When I am ready. Nothing will stop me.


Kitty said...

hugs babe x