Drugs are good mmmkay

Okay not ALL drugs are good.
But the one I am on is doing me a treat.
I can't explain how releaved I am that the lexapro has worked.
I am feeling 12093120938891092381 % better than I was just a few short weeks ago.
My negative self talk is down 123847128371827398 % as well.
I am even feeling a hell of a lot better than I was just LAST weekend.

Sometimes I feel like I am weak... Yes this specifically ONLY applies to me.
For taking medication. I could have gone straight back into therapy.
I KNOW that helped last time, but at the moment its just not practical.
I think it would do more harm than good, because I was in such a good place when I left.. and one of the main reasons I was.. was because of a certain person who is now one of the main reasons I'm now depressed again.

Love will do that to you. I hate saying that, I hate knowing that I love him.
Even though its stupid and wrong and it makes me feel pathetic and insecure.
But at the end of the day, I know the look in my eyes when I hear his voice, I know the way he can make me stomach jump and my heart flutter.
I know that given the chance, I will go into an insane rant about how fucked up this all is, and how much I wish he'd just go away and I will talk literally until I run out of breath..
Like I did last night when in the friend with my car.
And I know always given the chance, I will play the voice message that he left me the other night..
And any normal female.. even if she thinks he's a jack ass will go
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW X's a million.
Because he honestly does sound SO sweet and sincere in that message.
Even if he's always not.

I think the only thing that gives me hope about this situation is that I KNOW that it will end eventually. I know that everything I feel for him will fade away.. and he'll still be in my heart but he'll be buried beneath a few of the scars that run through it. In a few months when I actually have to look him in the eyes, in the presence of all the people we work with and pretend like NONE of this ever happened.
I am hoping & praying that I will just get through this..
And that the many lessons that I've learned from this situation will carry me through many more of the heart ache I am yet to go through in my time on this earth.

I have hope, and I have the courage to face everyday.
Right now, that..
Well that and this lexapro are all the I need

Someone give me back my mojo!

Blah
I have no energy today... I was up past 4am last night and awoke at 11:30 but seriously i'm laying on the couch here with no desire to move until at least 6:30 when I have to go to one of my BFF's graduation dinner tonight at 6:30.

I mean... I just got paid which means im loaded for pretty much the only time in the month... I know i'm getting my bonus next week so I could very well go shopping and buy some new clothes.. or something.. But I just can't move.

I wonder if its the depression setting in, my docotor actually went off at me for not staying on my meds last year for longer.. But I felt SO much better.
Therapy had helped a treat.. and I swear I graduated..
When she told me I was elidgable for another 12 free therapy sessions on my "mental health plan" I was almost releaved.. I thought it was capped.. but no every 12 months I have permission to go insane and get free medication and therapy.
Man I loved that shrink.... She was possibly one of the only people in this world who had ever made me feel normal at all..
Like I WASNT crazy.. I mean I know I'm a little wacky.. but her ability to break it all down and just be there it was amazing.
So maybe I will see her again.

Last nigth I was out with a friend.. she's been in a relationship with a man who is 24 years her senior.. he already has 4 kids and they were speaking about there future.. He asks her on a daily basis to marry him, obviously shes very young (22) and hasn't said yes.. but she was thinking about her future and the fact that they definatly want kids.He said he'd give her as many as she wanted to make her happy.. but the reality of it is that she could probably only ever have one.

She was diagnosed with epilipsy when she was about 11 years old, unfortunately its the kind that even with medication gets worse overtime. Although she doesn't have grand mal seizures.. she does black out alot and have quite a few twinges no matter how regular her medication schedule is.
In reality she would have to come off her medications to get pregnant, which itself could cause seziures, and if she got pregnant on her medication well thats a whole nother story just there.. the drugs she's on can cause severe birth defects and developmental delays.

While we were sitting there and she was telling me just how she felt about the posibiliy of not having a child, only having one child, hurting the child through having a seizure.. I just said it.

"I'd have your baby for you"

Surrogacy is something I've always thought of, I am not againts the possibility of egg donation either.. I just dont know if anyone would want my crappy genes..
But to me her story was heart breaking because I know how much she wants children (she comes from a family of 6 kids) she knows that love and wants to experience it.. without putting her health, or the health of her unborn child at risk.

So I would do it, I'd absouletly do it. Their are many rules to surrogacy that I dont fully understand and obviously now, when im 22 this is not an option. But in 5 years... It just may well be..

Anyway thats all from me, I'm gonna relax for an hour or so and then attempt to shopping(I really hate shopping unless its for someone else and I know exactly what I want to get them)

hmm to watch the L word, or how I met your mother.. Two totally different shows.