Sunday, April 19, 2009

Drugs are good mmmkay

Okay not ALL drugs are good.
But the one I am on is doing me a treat.
I can't explain how releaved I am that the lexapro has worked.
I am feeling 12093120938891092381 % better than I was just a few short weeks ago.
My negative self talk is down 123847128371827398 % as well.
I am even feeling a hell of a lot better than I was just LAST weekend.

Sometimes I feel like I am weak... Yes this specifically ONLY applies to me.
For taking medication. I could have gone straight back into therapy.
I KNOW that helped last time, but at the moment its just not practical.
I think it would do more harm than good, because I was in such a good place when I left.. and one of the main reasons I was.. was because of a certain person who is now one of the main reasons I'm now depressed again.

Love will do that to you. I hate saying that, I hate knowing that I love him.
Even though its stupid and wrong and it makes me feel pathetic and insecure.
But at the end of the day, I know the look in my eyes when I hear his voice, I know the way he can make me stomach jump and my heart flutter.
I know that given the chance, I will go into an insane rant about how fucked up this all is, and how much I wish he'd just go away and I will talk literally until I run out of breath..
Like I did last night when in the friend with my car.
And I know always given the chance, I will play the voice message that he left me the other night..
And any normal female.. even if she thinks he's a jack ass will go
Because he honestly does sound SO sweet and sincere in that message.
Even if he's always not.

I think the only thing that gives me hope about this situation is that I KNOW that it will end eventually. I know that everything I feel for him will fade away.. and he'll still be in my heart but he'll be buried beneath a few of the scars that run through it. In a few months when I actually have to look him in the eyes, in the presence of all the people we work with and pretend like NONE of this ever happened.
I am hoping & praying that I will just get through this..
And that the many lessons that I've learned from this situation will carry me through many more of the heart ache I am yet to go through in my time on this earth.

I have hope, and I have the courage to face everyday.
Right now, that..
Well that and this lexapro are all the I need


Andrea said...

I am so happy you're feeling 1238475479450948893% better :) You are not weak at all for taking drugs, you are smart to do that before things get out of hand. And you are right about the guy, he will fade into the distance after awhile and the sting will dull. Good for you for staying away from someone who is not good for you, that's not easy to do and I'm very proud of you. ((HUGS))