Sunday, April 5, 2009


Not drunk.. Just annoyed.

Just over a year ago I had my first pap smear... All went okay, I relaxed.
Slightly abnormal cells.. most likely due to HPV.
I have, or have had HPV.. nope doesn't seem likely.
I've never slept with anyone thats showed symptoms.
Lets forget the fact that I haven't had sex for a long long while.
So im annoyed by I move on.. and forget the fact that one of the 3 people i've slept with has given me an STD.. without knowing it??
Herpes is usally something that can't be missed.

So follow up(because im young and only slightly abnormal) Is a pap test in a year instead of two years.
No biggy.
So about two months ago, in between periods I start having pelvic pain.
Its uncomfortable, radiates from my lower ab, all the way to my back.
Realising im due for a pap smear, I book in.
Just before I hop up on the table, and get myself into position.. ya know pants down legs spread.
I ask if this is anything to be conserned about.
My doctor says no, but if it happens again its something they'll check out.

Have the pap smear, wait 3 weeks to get a note in the mail saying "all is good, follow up pap smear in a year"
BUT wait if its all good, why in a year.
Tried to make an appointment to go back.. cant get in...

Insert late period that is the worst pain i've ever been in. 5 hours of cramps, extremely bloated.. like HUGE even for me.
Period only last a few days... quite odd.. for me. but i'll take it.

Just over a week later, go to the toilet.
"Hmm thinks to self... looks a little brown"
Okay, thats alot brown..
NO thats blood.. with clots..
Not falling out period style.. but defaintly enough to warrant a pad, or even a tampon.
Say what now?
I'm a week out from my period
hmm it could be ovulation bleeding?
I'm still not there yet.

So what it is??
In all honesty..
It could be a number of things.. Stress, hormones all over the shop.
But I don't wanna wait..
I don't wanna go in there and be told "oh its probably nothin"
coz it could be something.
It could be something serious.

I always think the worst, coz i've gotta think the worst coz 9/10
I'm annoyed because this always happens.

On top of that, my dad had someone coming to look at the house.
My brother just lost his job.
I'm possibly going to loose my job..
Due to the idiots that I work with..

I can't see positive in anything anymore.
It just seems without merit to even try.
On top of that.
I MISS HIM. I do....
And its killing me wanting to know if he misses me..
But I can't ask.
I can't know.
I can't even try, because I ended this... so i'd be better off.
But I don't feel better off.. I just feel alone.
Even though he was far away.... I never felt alone because he was always in the back of my mind.