Friday, April 3, 2009

Where will it all go?

My dad decided recently to sell up our family home of.. 11 years and move on.
I understand he needs to do this, my mum is everywhere in this house.
Shes on the walls, in the laundry, little notes in the cupboards, shes the bathroom that was ripped out one afternoon 5 years ago and never put back in.
Every little inch of this place reminds us of her.
For some of us (the kids) its okay, but for my dad I think partly the pain.. but also the guilt has slowly started to deterorate.

A few weeks ago we got into a large argument, hes insisting on selling up now.
He was being angry and harsh with me. Saying he wanted nothing more to do with us.
He said some hurtfull things, I said some hurtfull things.

I was laying in my bed that night, after crying SO hard that I literally thought my head was going to fall off and I thought to myself..


Where will the memories that have accumlated over 30 years go.
The pictures, letters,cards,tokens, and just general other household items GO?
I'm assuming that, dad will be getting a MUCH smaller place.
I'm also assuming hes not going to want a whole heap of stuff reminding him of the life his trying in part to leave behind.

Since this time, and through a bit of persistance.

"I'm your blood.. you don't get to choose to leave me.. not now not ever."
My dad and I reluctantly(coz we're both stubborn) Made up.
I gave him some space, and recieved a text message(So male.. very emotional) saying simply this

"I love you very much, but you drive me nuts just like your mum"

And its a fair call.. I can be JUST like my mum.
At times I look like her, act like her, talk like her.. sometimes I even smell like her(I still have her dressing gown and im pretty sure it hasn't been washed and I dont care if this is grosse)

I don't do any of these things to antagonish or upset my dad.. its just the way it is. I consciously and subconiously do these things to honor and remember her.

I except that its time to move on, and so eventually,probably sooner than I'd like
The for sale sign will go up, the place will be snapped up and we'll all have a use by date on when all of the things that we have will be packed up and moved.

But the question lingers in my mind.
Where will it all go?

Dad won't want to keep it.
I don't really want to split it all up.
So that begs the question.. is all of this stuff going to be MY responsibility.
Just like it was MY responsibility to try and organise and hold everyone togerther soon after mum died.

"Look out for your dad, he'll meet someone.. I know you'll know if shes a good person"
"Make sure Ben gets regular check ups"
"Keep an eye on Matthews emotional health"

I hate that at 18,19,21 22
I have to think about these things.
My mum should be 52.
She should be living her life, surrounded by all of us.. in this same house.. with all our stuff with no useby date on when its gotta be packed up.

I guess all this stuff.. memories that were meant to last a WHOLE life time.
Will be another weight I will have to carry with me.

I know this seems so bitter and twisted.. and on one hand I'm glad I was intrusted with looking after everyone..but on the other hand.
I'm the youngest, the baby.. And i'm all out on a limb here.
I wish I didn't feel so weighed down with responsibility.

In other news.
I miss him, already. SIGH but 24 hours.. no contact.. I'm doing well..
Now if I can just make it a whole week without hearing his name, or voice, or having any kind of contact at ALL... I'll be okay.
I made the right decsion i'm sure of that