Monday, April 13, 2009

Seriously? I have a type???

I was out for a drive.. I do that when im bored, I go out in my little car and I listen to music and I think. Just I was nearing the home stretch I was thinking about a comment that someone left me about learning to love ourselfs first with regards to relationships.

So I came to think about how I always seem to go for a type of person... usally quite a similar type. I'll give my past dating history to give you an example;

Georgia: Ah my first real love, I say love because I did and do love her as a person. She was complicated, a little bit insane.. she had been through far to much for someone of her age. Only 16 when I met her, she had been through foster care, been emotionally, physically and sexually abused, and had been hit by a train. yes a real live moving train. She had been through re-hab and in and out of the mental health care system.
But regardless of any of these things(most of which scared the shit out of my 17 year old self) I thought I could be her white night, zap in and save her from the evil forces that were controlling her life. I took to parenting her, because she never had been parented properlly.. I occasionally talked over her, told her what to wear.. pulled up her pants on the odd occasion when her low slung jeans revealed a g string in front of my family. I did none of this in a mean way, I just did it.. at first she loved it.. someone who really genually cared about her enough to do any of these things. I was never abusive towards her, would not raise my voice.. even when she did ridiculously stupid things.. but in the end she grew tired and thought I was trying to change her and it ended(With her cheating on me, forgive and forget people)

Enter Ally.. Ally seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, she was coming into her sexuality and was loud and outgoing.. she was closeted to her family.. and had some deep seeded dad issues (did i mention georgia also had those, in any case she did) I pretty much moved from Georgia, to Ally within a period of two months.
We were friends at first, I worshiped the ground she walked on, wanted to be with her every second of every minute, of everyday.
We ended up dating for 6 months, but only because at the time she had no other better offers and didnt want to loose my friendship(I have never been one to end a friendship lightly) I did help Ally, just like I helped georgia.. I helped her come to terms with who she really was.. She was herself when she was with me and soon enough she became herself with everyone. I know shes a better person because of this, well I do because she's told me.
Sadly our friendship did not make it through the years.. it ended pretty much on new years when I realised she didnt really want to be around me anymore.
I was okay with that.

Enter Sarah (she came after I dated ally) I met her on the interwebs and saw her out one night.. I was with ally at the time , I pointed her out. Ally sort her out for me and we danced.. she gropped my boobs like no one ever has before(I think she was drunk, no wait I know she was) And exchanged numbers..
She was also coming to terms with her sexuality and had just come out of an abusive relationship. She was VERY girly when I met her.. she was a veggo, and she liked to stick it to the man... "You sold out" she'd say to me of my office job.. and I'd say but girl sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.. Within 6 months she was working an office job and still is.
I had every intention of wanting to take the relationship forward, but she wasn't interested. We did get it on a few times, so I'll always have that.
Needless to say we dont see each other that much, but when we do we ALWAYS have fun togerther and I value her friendship ALOT.
She's also fully come to terms with her sexuality, and in a steady long term relationship and saving up to go overseas for atleast 6 months in June.

Enter Keelie.
Keelie is georgia, georgia is keelie.. they are one in the same person..
With regards to there history, issues with men.
Keelie is funnier though, she totally fell in love with me depsite all of my obvious flsws in the 6 months following my mothers death.
I was totally selfish and unkind to her at times, and It was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made to hurt her as badly as I did.
She needed me, and I needed her.. This went on for more than a year mind you.
We were never in a relationship, but for months our hearts were tied togerther with a peice of string, unable to let go of the idea that we'd some day, some how be togerther and it would just fit.
She would call me puppy.. Why puppy you say.
Well you know how when your toilet training a puppy, they often have accidents in the middle of the lounge room floor... normally in the same spot... we'll thats what i'd do.I'd make mistakes, the same mistakes over and over, and everytime she'd say to me, You may have just pissed on the carpet, but when you look at me I can't see anything but how beautiful you are. Needless to say, I spent alot of nights in the dog house, but i spent a fair few nights curled up on the couch in her arms as well.

When it all ended, I was lost.. literally in peices. That was when I first sought help for my depression. We are still friends, dont talk as much but when we do the same old chemistry is there..
I will love her always for all the things she did for me, including her saying to me "you are so fucked up you need help"

Enter Rod.
The new guy, who lives in another state comes and talks to me at a work function.
We talk, and laugh.Wait im in the throws of depression, I didn't even want to come to this function. Why am I laughing. He was sweet, hilarious and very intelligent. (Not to mention really cute for an old man, he's 39)
I immeditatly was smitten. I just didn't know it at first. He opened up to me, about the custody battle he'd been having with his ex wife, to see his two daughters for five years. He told me things, that I know he's probably never told anyone.
The one thing he didn't tell me, was that he was in a relationship.
Let me be clear in saying, nothing has happened with this man, I have developed and clear and obvious affection for him. Yes I love him, as stupid as it sounds. I do. I fell for it. I honestly don't think he meant for any of this to happen.But he now knows that it has, and he's completely thrown the ball back in my court.
Saying that he will give me anything I want, or need.
At the moment, he's giving me space. Which is good.

I could be mad, I could hate him (during some parts of the day I do) for letting this happen, for sucking me in knowing there would be no good to come out of this. But there is good, he helped open me up again to a side that I'd shut down. To realise that I am attracted to men (the right men, mind you) And I HAVE to be grateful for that because without him, I don't think that would have happened.

So the space that he's giving me,if it goes to plan... I will take the time I need to grieve the love I had for him, and hopefully we can go back to being good friends. Not the type of friends, who say they miss each other, and send videos too.. and talk about spooning, and saying I love you. Nope just normal friends.

So back to my point,although I've been single since 2005 (Which was a LONG time ago)I've never really been alone for anymore than a few months. I've always had that person there.. to help and too need and to want.
I've never taken the time to reflect on everything thats happened in my life, i've just jumped straight into depending on someone else for my happiness and forfillment.
And I realised today, of all days that I can't do that anymore..

Because at the end of the day, I just end up here. In this holding pattern of being alone again and HATING it. Cursing the person I'd developed feelings for, when really I should be looking to myself and WHY I constantly need this other person there to make me happy & make my life complete.
Endless wishing, hoping and praying that things will turn out for the best.
Because 10/10 times they haven't they've just left me feeling cold and alone.

I need to look at my own happiness, and how I can for filling life without someone else in it.
I don't know exactly how I'm going to do that.. But I just know that I need too.

Incase you can't tell today is a 9.25/10
Lexapro side affects= None

And thank you to the person who commented and got me thinking as to the topic of this post, it is definatly most appreicated


Jaren said...

Caragh!!! Your life-journey is amazing, and to think it's only just begun (I can say that because I've reached the 30 year mark ;) Look how already things are happening for reasons and working out for the best...

I remember as I kid I HATED "To be continued" episodes...but having grown up, I love how life does that...just when you think things cannot get any better, they get worse, and just when you think you've reached the darkest of nights of the soul, a ray of hope shines thru...

I think it's the beauty of life...constant adventure, something new every morning (I LOVE surprises :) And then when you put this in perspective of's simply amazing...