Thursday, April 30, 2009

Lost

I am a
22 year year old young woman
A Perfectly imperfect soul
An over anaylsing
Stumpy
Under achieving
Formly sexually abused
Overly sarcastic
Always opinionated
Giving more than i've got
Now a motherless daughter
Previously self harming
Who cares too much
Loves so unconditionally
Swears occasionally constantly
Dresses appropriatly
Smiles infrequently
Laughs too loudly
Burps too often
Critasizes herself too much
Bruises too easily
Looses her cool too quickly

I'm real.
I'm broken.

Blah

I hate complaining, but I need to bitch.

Work has been a total *BEEEEEEP* this week.
Flat out and run off my feet. NO idea where this week went.
Why is this happening, tomorrow will be MAY.
We will be in month 5 of the year, I turned 22 almost three months ago.
Its going to be 2 years since my dad's cancer diagnosis, tracking towards 3 years since mum died. My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

I'm still a tad angry lately, my outbursts are smaller.. But I definatly am still feeling some hostility towards people.. but its not undeserved hositlity..
In other words, im not being a *bEEEPPPPP* to anyone who hasn't been treating me like crap, or doing something that is considered stupid by many.

I am exhausted, and I know it might be work.
But I also know, its the lexapro.
Atleast one night a week, I need to be asleep before 9.
The annoying part is, im having a few freaky bad dreams which are waking me up between 2-4 am.. and I go back to sleep after I tinkle or whatever.
But those next few hours of sleep don't mean anything.
They don't count.


Right now, i'm laying in bed and I want so badly to get up and have a shower.
But I don't have the energy, I feel like I'd end up curled over and asleep in a ball.
I can focus during the day because I drink large amounts of coffee.. but thats it.

Ah.. I hate bitching....
Especially when I have nothing that is worth bitching about.
I feel guilty writting about my shity, insignificant life when there are others, people who I subscribe to, people reading this blog who have things so much worse than I do.
And I am thinking of everyone else, I am.
But I'm just annoyed that I can't be NORMAL.
I can't just be happy, and have energry.
I have to be medicated but exhausted to function.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Online poker

With real money
IS
EVIL

Ah well
Ya win some, ya lose some.
I lost some.

Fur babies


I have mentioned my fur babies before.
Max is almost 10 *cries* & Molly is 1 & a Half.

This is a picture of them.
Excuse the quality..
Crap camera..
which was good back in the day, it takes AGES to process when the flash is on.
So by the time the flash goes off, Max squints coz he doesn't like the bright lights.
So we are without Flash.

WOOT

I'm on a winner today.
For once I'm not feeling like a fat ugly slob.

I'm probably just feeling better because I've had my eye brows waxed, eye lashes tinted. My skin is clearing up, and my hair is doing what its meant to for ONCE.

I've also got through a fair bit of work.

I've had a nice lunch. Egg's benedict and a yummy coffee.
I love breakfast, if I could only eat one meal for the day that would be it.

Because I went to lunch early.
I'm now going to spend my "second lunch" commenting and reading everyone's blogs.
Because all the boys are out, and I can do what I want..

Ah haaa

Freedom.

Hope everyone is having a super day, and a fantastic week.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

My strange taste in Music...

I've always had a strange taste in Music.
I like songs that date back as early as the 40's/50's Yes I know that sounds weird.
One of my FAVOURITE songs is
"The birds and the bee's"

Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees
and the flowers and the trees,
the moon up above, and the thing
called love.


I remember hearing this song about 8 or 9 years ago and I knew the lyrics and it was driving me nuts because I literally could NOT remember hearing it.. or knowing the song.
I asked my mum and she laughed & then smiled.
"I used to play that song all the time, when you were about 1 you would pull yourself up in your cot and shake your little butt along to the beat"

Recently I've also been LOVING

The Cure- Pictures of you

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel


The song obviously touches a nerve in me.. and would in many.
But its a beautiful song.


And last but sadly least :( Cos this is LAME.
I heard this song on the way home.

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high


Yes thats Miley Cyrus, and yes I'm kind of ashmed.
But she has some good people writting songs for her, god damn if it wasn't for the lyrics i'd hate the song.


Today didn't turn out so badly after all.
I got alot of things done..
I was stressing about this promotion I had put togerther, about it being rejected by my boss after I had put so much energy into the concept and putting the work togerther.
I was scared he would just say.. "No"
He's a bit like that, hard to pick. He either loves something or he hates it.

But he loved it, and he was really impressed with my effort and also the effort of "that man"
So yeh, we make a good team.

After work I got my fortnightly eye brow wax.
I love the place I go to, the girls are SO nice and they actually take the time and are very carefull not to take to much or do what you don't want.
Its a little more expensive than most places, but SO worth it.
I also got a spur of the moment eye lash tint..
I don't like mascara.. I always pick it off.
And because I'm now using mineral makeup, it means there is just less stuff to do in the morning.

After THAT.. i know my day sounds long huh.
I took myself out to dinner.
It took them a minute to work out that
NO THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE COMING TO ORDER ON MY TABLE.
OMG I WAS A SINGLE GENERATION Y FEMALE HAVING DINNER BY HERSELF!
Then I happened to put 5 dollars into a poker machine (slot machine)
And I won $150
All in all a good day.


I haven't seen my dad in a week or more.. I miss him.
His girlfriend is going through some stuff, so he's trying to be there for her as much as he can.
He also got tickets to the football for us, and said we will go out for lunch on Sunday.
I haven't been to a game with him in months, so that would be great.

I have a very cute Fur baby molly, who is just about to go on heat.
So she's very clingy at the moment so we are cuddling.
I'm giving her some space from my other dog Max, who is after her at the moment.
Poor little hormonal thing.

Well anyone who read this deserves a medal.
I'm going to read/comment on some blogs.
Have a shower.
Do some washing.
& then go to bed.


Hope everyone is having a good start to the week

I dont know why

But I just feel really ANNOYED but only with myself today.
Its bizare.
I hate being angry, but I hate being angry at myself even more.
ARGH.

Today is destined to suck ass

Monday, April 27, 2009

When did life become so exhausting

BLAHhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I fail to see how sitting on my big fat ass infront of a computer all day can exhaust me so much.
Get up,take meds shower,do make up, get dressed, brush teeth and hair. Find shoes, pack lunch, get in the car, stop for a coffee, have a ciagrette, get annoyed at the traffic, get to work, start working, get distracted, back on track, get hungry, have a coffee, another cigarette, some more distriaction, have something to eat, start working..
And the list goes on and on.
HOW BORING>>> I swear 95% of those things, were done sitting down and yet im laying here in bed at 7:18PM and I could fall asleep.
But I can't, coz i'll wake up early.
And I can't coz I really want to watch this show.


I cant even faithom having to do anymore than I already do.
AND I DONT DO MUCH.

Although I did make dinner tonight, but it only took me an hour.
I generally had a really happy and good day today though.
I talked to "him" and things are just normal again.
NORMAL FFS.
Its a god damn miracle that this thick head actually got it,that I just wanted him to now treat me like one of the guys. He's calling me "man" which only a few months ago would have ANNOYED ME. But now hearing it makes me happy.
what didn't make me happy was him discussing the woman who is one of our customers, whom im almost 99.9999 % sure he had an affair with but hey i'll live.. it stabbed at me a little though but I moved on quickly


I know the tiredness is probbably a symptom of the meds,because normally on monday nights I can go and go and go.. but nope not anymore.
Anyway i'll post something more constructive when I stop being a complaining little bitch.


Caragh

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Small things amuse small minds

So that giant pile of washing is now gone.
YAY for that..
As I was putting my wet washing into the dryer.. i noticed sometihng sitting in the filter. My mother was always very particular about cleaning the filter.. so its something I do everytime I use the dryer.. Because it can cause a fire!
I don't like fires.. thats another story. But anyways my siblings and other household members obviously never listened to how important that was.
IN the dryer I found 10 dollars.. Now wow 10 dollars.. Now for a moment I thought about going "HEY has anyone lost 10 bucks"
That quickly vanished from my mind, and sliped the note into my bra.( no pockets, plus its cosie in there)

1- My older brother doesn't contribute to the household with regards to cleaning products, toilet paper,washing powerder.. ect.. and he buys his own food...
So I figure he owes us a little.

2- My dad.. well generally my dad is very generous but im a little bitter at him lately coz I gave him 12,000 which he spent on the motor bike that my mother never wanted him to have... that he doesn't ride anymore because he has a girlfriend who is too high maitance and kinda annoying.
That 12k would have made a HUGE dent on the emotionally draining 35k debt's I have.
Yes i'm single, 22, have no student loans but I have 35,000 THOUSAND dollars in debt.
No judgement.


3- My brother and his girlfriend are generally very good. But they've been scabbing alot of cigarettes off my lately, and I figure they owe me at LEAST a few packs.
Also we shop togerther, and whenever we do.. they always buy a hell of a lot more stuff than I... infact last week they spent like 50 bucks more than I would have.
And when it come's time to pay, we split the bill 3 ways but I always pay a little bit extra.. it happens every time..
It even happened today, but I managed to throw a few extra yogo's in the cart so I guess with that 10bucks which mind you has gone straight into my awesome money jar.
Which can't be seen into.

No I can't save.. infact I have 300 dollars in "savings" in my bank a/c right now.
Which I would spend.. but I am really trying hard to pretend its not there.
Despite the fact that it couldnt definatly be of use towards some new clothes, a car service, or rip off trip to the dentist.

To anyone who's stumbled onto my blog just now and is reading this.
Seriously, i'm not generally this petty... but we're in a recession people.
I am one person, on one income, and im fending for myself and sometimes it sucks knowing that if my registration is due, or I get a speeding ticket, or something unknown pops up.. I don't have anyone elses income to bank on AT ALL.
I've just gotta suck it up and work out a way to pay it. (usally onto one of my many credit cards)
Sigh..

I suck

EPIC FAIL

So I have failed.
So far this weekend I have done only two things.
Eat & Sleep.

Lazy much?
Pile of washing.. still sitting on the floor.
I swear I WILL DO IT before tonight.
But I have an excuse.. we are out of washing powder.
Okay we are just about to go out and do our weekly shop.
I'm excited for that.
HELLS YA>
Food.. why wouldn't I be excited.
Creamy avacado risoto..
YUM.

I am really sorry for anyone reading this post and seeing what a boring ass bitch I am.
BUT I have literally spent all weekend pouring through blogs, and checking out football scores.

okay
off to make a shopping list

And the winner is...

I am 58 years old and I cannot remember anyone's name

LOL.

I <3 google searches..

SO RANDOM

Saturday, April 25, 2009

65 Random Ass Questions

65 Questions You've Probably Never Been Asked Before.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Sounds weird but I brush my teeth in the shower. I was always told when I had braces that it was better for them

2. What colour is your favourite hoodie? Black

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Hell to the no

4. Do you plan outfits? hahaha have u seen me?

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Scared

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red? A can of fly spray

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Something about two of the guys I work with

8. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope.. maybe if i left the house it would have been possible

9. What are you craving right now? A cuddle PLEASE

10. Do you floss? Not enough

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Sour crout

12. Are you emotional? No *wipes tear* yeah I can be

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? No but when I cant sleep i count sheep. I used to count chicken nuggets but my ass started to get really really big

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I lick, I have sensitive teef

15. Do you like your hair? eh I dont hate it

16. Do you like yourself? Not a whole heap

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes, I'd throw my cosmo on him and then leave!

18.What are you listening to right now? I can hear my brother typing

19. Are your parents strict? Nope last born, they were over it

20. Would you go sky diving? Yes, but only tandem..

21. Do you like cottage cheese? I only like it in certain things, its not my favourite.. tasty/feta all the way. o0o0o0o now im craving feta cheese YUM

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Probably.

23. Do you rent movies often? Sometimes but its a rip.. so i've started possibly illegally downloading them

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? my doona cover is sparkly its kinda annoying

25. How many countries have you visited? 2. I haven't travelled... I don't have that bug

26. Have you made a prank phone call? Yes.

27. Ever been on a train? Yes.

28. Brown or white eggs? I dont care what colour on the outside as long as they have a fresh and healthy yellow yolk im good

29.Do you have a cell-phone? Ya.. im not hung up on phones anymore

30. Do you use chap stick? Yup

31. Do you own a gun? No.

32. Can you use chop sticks? No.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? It already is tonight and im with my puppy dogs!

34. Are you too forgiving? If I love someone? Then yes.
Forgive but NEVER forget.

35. Ever been in love? Yes. Sigh

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? No idea

37. Ever have cream puffs? Yeah, theey go alright

38. Last time you cried? Yesterday?

39. What was the last question you asked? I asked my brother who he was yelling at on the phone. turns out it was someone on a private number threating to kill him.

40. Favourite time of the year? mmm Spring

41. Do you have any tattoos? 3, I want more but im very fussy about where I put them.

42. Are you sarcastic? Yes.. Just yes

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? This movie is AWESOME

44. Ever walked into a wall? I live for walking into walls.. god its annoying but I always mis-judge distances between doorways and walls and yeh.

45. Favourite colour? PURPLE

46. Have you ever slapped someone? HAHA yes.. Krystal... "GOD CARAGH WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BITCH" "OMG KRYSTAL IM NOT A BITCH YOUR A BITCH" * SLAP * UH fight insues.. no one was seriously hurt.. it was seriously funny to hear everyone chant "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" I was 14... we are friends now!!!

47. Is your hair curly? no not generally but it was up when it was wet so its all messy and scrunched so KINDA

48. What was the last CD you bought? It was probably a MIKA one like almost a year & a half ago

49. Do looks matter? In terms of two people finding each other, they yeah attraction matters. But I think most people look there best in there Pj's with no makeup and messy hair. very natural

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Probably not in a relationship. But i've forgiven the ex's that have cheated on me.. and we are now good friends again

51. Is your phone bill sky high? Not really. like 90 bucks

52. Do you like your life right now? I don't hate it.. but im not loving every second

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? No, I need complete quiet

54. Can you handle the truth? I like to think I can.. but no. I lie to myself on an hourly basis... but I DONT lie to others.


55. Do you have good vision? Yeh its awesome actually.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? yes.

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Depends.. sometimes i'll go days without talking and them some weeks talk everyday

58. The last person you held hands with? STFU

59. What are you wearing? Black long sleeved shirt and grey trackies.. my favourite

60.What is your favourite animal? Dogs

61. Where was your default picture taken at? Bedroom of the old house that I almost burnt down

62. Can you hula hoop? Sure can

63. Do you have a job? I do indeed, and in a recession that makes me feel awesome

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? Food. Ha whats new

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? I have indeed when I've been locked out of the house.

man that took ages.
I have been yawning non stop through it.
Okay bra OFF. into bed under the covers and out like a light>>>
Please I need 10 hours of sleep.

So um.. I post ALOT

and thats either indeering, or annoying. Or both.. On with the post.

Dear Clothes sitting on the floor, im really sorry that you've been down there for so long waiting to be washed.. I promise to clean you tomorrow.

Dear Carpet I know you need a good vaccum BUT I HATE TO VACCUMM none the less, ones the clothes are moved and washed I will definatly put in my best 50 % effort.

Dear Teeth I'm sorry I haven't taken you to the dentist for a while, but im scared that they will yell at me. I really dont like being yelled at.

Dear lungs, sorry im still smoking. I will quit when the time is right. I don't like to fail at anything and right now I will fail miserably which would make me smoke more.. you dont want that do you?

Dear Heart, I am REALLY sorry I let you fall in love with him. I went againts our better judgement and now we are both suffering.. Please forgive me?

Dear stomach, I'm sorry I feed you such crap lately. Thats probably the reason why your sending all gas throughout my body. Its coming out both ends.. Its annoying I know. Me + Carbs = BEST FRIENDS. I promise to drink more water this week, and to stick with at least a few of the good food groups.

Dear Hair, I'm sorry I havent cut you for awhile now we have split ends but its only me to blame. I'll fix that real soon.

Dear Mouth, I'm sorry that I occasionally eat and drink things that I KNOW are too hot and I burn you.

And last of all

Dear Me.. I'm sorry I cant stop thinking, anaylsing, eating, smoking, drinking and falling in love with people that are bad for me.
I wish I had the strength right now to leave all this immature negative behaviour behind me. I'm sorry that no ones been close enough to us to give us a hug lately, I'm sure we both miss that alot. But hey you definatly owe me for going to the GP and getting that lexapro because things would surely be worse than they are now!!!

Love Always,
Caragh

A to Z of me

A penny saved is a penny earned.. tell that to me coz I can't save money for the life of me.

B reast cancer runs in my family. This scares the shit out of me.

Caragh is the weird ass spelling my parents decided on

Deep inside my heart is where I hold alot of secrets

Egg's benedict is one of my favourite things to eat

Football is one of the things I enjoy watching

God is someone I believe in

Home will always be where my heart is

I have had lots of trouble sleeping on & off
since my mum was diganosed with termnial cancer

Jumping is what I do when im very excited

Kissing is one of my favourite things to do

Love that lasts forever is something I never see myself having

Men confuse the hell out of me

Ovulation pain is something I always get

Perky is not the way to describe me in the first hour after I wake up

Quite is never something that would describe me

Rest is extremely important to me

Sex is awesome

Tough as nails is something that describes me very well.

Used & abused by some people.. le sigh

Very angry at some of the things that have happened in my life, but very greatful that they have made me who I ma.

When I was little I used to eat everything from coins, to moth balls.

Xray's annoy me, because I've had so many.

Yogo is so very awesome

Zoo's still make me go oo0o0o & ahhh when I see all the different animals

I assumed when I started this my answers would be more creative..
Obviously not
ha
I totally was struggling with my ABC's as well.

X

Caragh

Le Sigh

I wish I was asleep.
I WANT to be asleep.
I even tried drinking milk..
Counting sheep.
Nothing..

But on the upside..
Google keywords= HA HA HA

23 Apr 16:58:33 blogsearch.google.com = mother boobs

Distrubing..

Friday, April 24, 2009

Rinse & Repeat

Every friday night I have a bit of a pattern.
I come home, get online.. Read my comments, comment back.. sometimes update.
Read a couple of websites.
and illegally download the latest episode of greys straight from the US
I havent been able to follow this lately because its been off for the last couple of weeks.
I love greys.. its my guilty pleasure really.
Its the one show I cannot miss, but we were SO far behind that it was annoying me.. So i caught myself up and have been watching live ever since.
WOO HOO 9 minutes to go.
Once its finished, and I have succesfully tricked my brother into not knowing im downloading stuff(He hates this)
I will go off to get some hungry jacks (burger king) for everyone outside Australia.
Weird name huh?

I busted my gut this week and didn't leave work til almost 6 today.
But it was worth it. I got ALOT done, and I haven't had a chance to really stop and think about all those little things that eat at me on a daily basis.

I got a strange message from an old friend of mine today.
Asking me how I was. I had removed her number from my phone, but I kinda knew it was her.
I wrote back "Who is this" anyway....
She dismised the comment she had just made..
Asking me how I and my dad was (my dad had another scare a few months ago.. a seziure and a small non cancerous tumor on the brain.. they dont know what caused the seizure)
At this time she was exiting my life, because "we just didnt have fun anymore"
and we were "different people"
Instead of getting all sad like I would have done previously I said.

"I'm not in the position to sit around and wait for your friendship. Your making a mistake and I hope your okay with that"
Her life has changed quite a bit in the last 4 months, she has a new girlfriend and everything seems to be going well for her. I'm glad.
Of course i've had an up and then down few months but im on track now and generally doing ok.
I have a feeling she was going to reach out to me and see if I wanted to meet up with her but after my "who's this" message she changed her mind.
She was still rather sweet though.
In any case, I may or may not hear from her soon again.. but like I said. Not in the position to sit around waiting for her friendship.

Woo hoo 3 minutes til greys.

Umm I don't have any plans this week.
Besides
-Eat
-Sleep
-Clean
In that order... this week and these meds I think have taken a bit out of me.
I keep waking up a few hours before my alarm goes off.. then I fall back asleep.. but dont feel rested when I awaken.

EEP.

I have found some great new blogs and people I'll be checking in with through ICLW.
If your reading this and I haven't commented back yet.. sometimes I get a little stuck with my words. But over the weekend, I will no doubt track through your journals going back through the archives reading all about your stories.


Thats all folks...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

It's Strange

It's amazing me how much different I'm feeling.
How much better im coping.
How much happier i've been.
But yet, I still feel so much like me.
I wake up every morning and without resistance, I get up and take my pills out of there container. I walk to the kitchen saying good morning to whoever is awake and take them.
Theres no resistance. I remember struggling last time, struggling to remember.. struggling to want to take them and feeling so zoned out.
I guess thats the bit I have to take from this, is that I never hit rock bottom.
I was struggling, don't get me wrong.
Depression and medication for depression is not something I would ever take lightly.
But I think thats the main thing that helped, I reconized within myself that I had a problem.. And that it just NEEDED to be fixed.
Before everything spun out of control.
I guess from that i'm getting i am feeling a lot more self worth.
Which is probably helping also.

I dunno, I spoke to my friend who was ill and I haven't spoken with him in more than 2 weeks. (We speak almost everyday) and he said how much more confident I sound. How much better with-in myself.
I've had the temptations alot of time this week to reach out to that person in a personal context. But I've been able to fight it. Except for that slight drunk email I sent, which he gladly ignored replying to.. But has lifted his game and kept it professional but still friendly.
I just feel like the outcome SO FAR is good, and it can only get better from here.

Just a note

I just wanted to say im really a bit overwhelemed with all the comments im getting from ICLW week.
I didn't expect so many kind people to comment and say hello.
It's really nice to know that people are checking out my story, and being so darn friendly.
I really appreicate that kind comments and feedback I get from everyone.

So yes I just wanted to wave hello and say thanks again to everyone for reaching out and I will be sure to check in with all of you when I get a chance in the evening after work!

X Caragh

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

When it rains, it POURS

At the moment its pouring work.
Don't you hate those work related emails that STIR UP TROUBLE.
They basically suggest that someone, or infact groups of people just.. aren't doing enough in times of economic uncertainty.

At first it was suggested that WE as a department weren't doing enough.
So we put forward out efforts and it was clear that the sales force.... weren't doing enough.

So at the moment we have been inundated with request for all sorts of jazz.
Most of its required NOW NOW NOW.
Which is fine, if you have NOTHING else to do.

I love being busy and I love doing my job well.
But sometimes it seems like these requests are unreasonable.
But I'm not the type of person to turn around and tell someone to get stuffed (this means piss of in aussie )
I like to be helpful, but a few friendships are being stretched the moment.
I'm mostly working through my lunch break and my eyes are going fuzzy by the end of the day.

On top of all the outside requests, we as a team have a huge amount of work to get through.
Something that if we focus most of our attention on will still take us a few weeks.
Its a real catch 22, do our job and help out everyone.
Or just do our job and tell everyone that they can wait.

I wish it was THAT simple.
But its not :(

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Welcome ICLW's

Hello,
Welcome to my little space in this world.
I am Caragh, or as the comment feature calls me "Just Caz"
I am a 22 year old girl, from the wonderful world of Aus.

* I am only 22, and not trying to concieve. Nor do I yet know of any Infertility issues that may affect me in the future. Although I am recently led to believe, I could have Endo but this is yet to be confirmed.

* However, a very good friend of mine struggled along with his partner through many years of infertility. My natual curosity on this terrible issue, that affects so many led me to the interwebs and to some of the many amazing women that you see in my blog role today.

* I keep up-to-date with the stories, of all the women, men and families on this blog on the simple premise that we all have our own stories.. and each person is so different yet there is obviously a common thread that affects so many people.
I am inspired each day their courage.

* Back to me.. Well I'm a simple girl.. I mostly write about the many things, or lack of many interesting things going on in my life.

* I lost my mother to cancer, and I frequently blog about that as its something that has and always will affect me greatly.

* I love love loveeee chese.

* I'am also a caffine addict.

* Driving is one of my favourite things to do, as random and boring as it may be.. but driving around with the music playing loudly singing along if definatly a favourite of mine.


* I am an open book, and love to talk & meet new people as I have done since I started blogging again at the start of the year.

So feel free to stop by and say hello!

I'm getting better

At dealing with all the little things that get to me.
I am stronger, than I was only a few weeks ago.
I can't believe that I've come this far so quickly.
I'm getting better.
And I'm so happy.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Drunk emails

are never a good idea.
But hey.. atleast I was honest right??

HA.

YOUR MOVE

Boobs

I have a serious LOVE/HATE relationship with my boobs.
Love that there still kinda perky, despite being huge... Hate that I know there eventually gonna be saggy enough to tuck into my socks.
My first bra was a 12C, unfortunately I wasn’t 16.. I had pretty much only just turned 11.
Fast forward 12 years later, my bust size has increased.
Depending on the bra the biggest size I’m going up to is a 16E.
I kinda look at my boobs sometimes and think, OH no there not that big. Then I realize that wait a second my bra fits on my head comfortably as a hat.

I realised recently that between all the weight I’ve put on and the fact that I have naturally large boobs.. I can barely see my toes when I look down.
I don’t like to talk about the fact that my mother died from Breast Cancer.
She was young when she was diagnosed, only 41 and people will probably see this and say no no 25 is a young age to get breast cancer but what a lot of people don’t understand is that breast cancer is much more common in women over 55 than it is with anyone else.

My mother did not make the most informed decisions when dealing with her Breast Cancer. She had a two lumps removed, and most of the lymp nodes under her air.
Only 2 of which tested positive for the cancer. She then made the decision to have radiation as her only form of after care treatment.
These two decisions are ones that almost without a doubt the ones that cost her, her life.
After the surgery and radiation my mother made what was said to be a full recoverey.
She had follow up appointments and mammograms every year as she was meant to.

In August of 2005 mum was given the 5 year all clear. Making it to this point after breast cancer is one of the mile stones in order for the disease to be unlikely to return. 1 month later she suffered a seizure which revealed she had 11 metastatic tumours in her brain.

She was given between 1 month and 1 year to live. Relative to treatment.
She took as much radiation, chemo and medication as they would give her. But ultimately she lost her fight on December 3rd 2006 which she slipped into a coma and then on December 4th she took her last breath in this world.
Might I add that my mother.. my strong and determined mother went shopping for a new pair of shoes just 3 days before she died. This was the day she allowed herself to go into palliative care, such a rebel that she was 4 hours late to be booked in because she insisted her and my brother go shopping and have some lunch.
I get my feisty side from her.

Because I have a history of more than 7-8 different cancers through-out my family I have been offered the choice of genetic counselling.
In particular I am interested in screening for the breast cancer gene. I am torn between my love for my boobs, and the knowledge that if I have this gene I will most likely make the decision to remove my breasts in order to prevent myself from getting the cancer.
More and more women are being faced with this decision.
I know I’m young. I know that even if I test positive for the gene that I may NOT get the cancer.
But my mother died at 49 years of age. I wouldn’t want this to be my fate. I made the decision years ago when she was first re-diagnosed. I promised that if I ever got diagnosed I would have a mastectomy regardless of how far along the cancer had progressed.
I really am torn between even getting the tests done and just putting myself in god’s hands.
My boobs are a part of me, they obviously don’t define me but they are a huge part of who I am. They define my body basically because I’m a fat chick, that’s the one bonus I get.
BOOBS.
I don’t know what I was doing really with posting this, but I do monthly or sometimes weekly breast checks and I was thinking about it while doing mine last night.
So can I just ask, to anyone who has read this...
What would you do?
Have you or would you screen for the disease, and if you were diagnosed would you consider an elective mastectomy?
Xx Caragh

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Drugs are good mmmkay

Okay not ALL drugs are good.
But the one I am on is doing me a treat.
I can't explain how releaved I am that the lexapro has worked.
I am feeling 12093120938891092381 % better than I was just a few short weeks ago.
My negative self talk is down 123847128371827398 % as well.
I am even feeling a hell of a lot better than I was just LAST weekend.

Sometimes I feel like I am weak... Yes this specifically ONLY applies to me.
For taking medication. I could have gone straight back into therapy.
I KNOW that helped last time, but at the moment its just not practical.
I think it would do more harm than good, because I was in such a good place when I left.. and one of the main reasons I was.. was because of a certain person who is now one of the main reasons I'm now depressed again.

Love will do that to you. I hate saying that, I hate knowing that I love him.
Even though its stupid and wrong and it makes me feel pathetic and insecure.
But at the end of the day, I know the look in my eyes when I hear his voice, I know the way he can make me stomach jump and my heart flutter.
I know that given the chance, I will go into an insane rant about how fucked up this all is, and how much I wish he'd just go away and I will talk literally until I run out of breath..
Like I did last night when in the friend with my car.
And I know always given the chance, I will play the voice message that he left me the other night..
And any normal female.. even if she thinks he's a jack ass will go
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW X's a million.
Because he honestly does sound SO sweet and sincere in that message.
Even if he's always not.

I think the only thing that gives me hope about this situation is that I KNOW that it will end eventually. I know that everything I feel for him will fade away.. and he'll still be in my heart but he'll be buried beneath a few of the scars that run through it. In a few months when I actually have to look him in the eyes, in the presence of all the people we work with and pretend like NONE of this ever happened.
I am hoping & praying that I will just get through this..
And that the many lessons that I've learned from this situation will carry me through many more of the heart ache I am yet to go through in my time on this earth.

I have hope, and I have the courage to face everyday.
Right now, that..
Well that and this lexapro are all the I need

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Follow up

So I got my follow up appointment at the womens hospital with a gyno.
I've never seen one before.. I don't know how there gonna react to my symptoms..
By the time I go there(Which will be in a month and a bit) I will have been on the pill for a while, and it will show if my symptoms have subsided.

I could go somewhere to see someone sooner, but I don't have private health insurance.
I did have private health with my parents but when my dad got cancer, he couldn't afford the larger excess. So I came off his policy.
I've been meaning to go back onto a policy.. but I haven't gotten around to choosing one.

In Australia the public health care system is different.
In the public system, you are covered in the case of any kind of major emergency, or medical problem. There are good doctors, and good hospitals.
If you don't have private health, the government introduced a tax, and if your a single its around $ 800 dollars at tax time, but its money that you never see.. so I guess you don't miss it.

We have a system called bulk billing, in which doctors are paid basically by the governemnt.(Our through our taxes, which ever you prefer) There are other doctors as well, that don't bill (These are the ones I see at the moment) the goverenment directly. You pay the bill and are re-emberced less a small differnce.
Basically a standard consultation will set you back about $12 dollars, and a longer one about $20.

The standard of care, differs between doctors. The doctor I currently see is great. Her level of care is second to none, she's one of those doctors who listens and taks in everything you say. She's not overly pushy, or bossy. She doesn't say "THIS IS WHATS BEST FOR YOU. SO YOUR DOING IT" she explains it in a way thats kind and caring.
So if you were having any doubts, once she's finished talking you normally wouldnt.

I've also been treated as a private paitent and had an excellent level of care. Private hospitals are smaller, and have more staff. They usally have better facilities, nicer beds, smaller rooms ,better food.

Obviously because the public system is bigger, the level of care is obviously not as great as in the private system.
My mother refused to use the private healthcare system before she died, and recieved all her treatments and care at a large, old public hospital.
Their pallitive care unit was disgusting.. I wouldn't send anyone there to die.. as bad as that sounds. My mum was very close to dying at a point, and then they managed to bring her back to life as such and she went on to live for another 4 months.
I believe its because she didnt want to die in that HOLE.
OHHH it makes me angry just thinking about it.

My dad however, had no objections to being treated at a private hospital.
He always had a private room,the best treatments and doctors.

I am greatful, that I live in a country where the public system is available.. and although if I got very sick tomorrow.. my treatment would still cost me some money.. but it would not send me broke..
If I had a blood clot, or a brain anuerism, and had to have emergency surgery.
I would not loose the clothes off my back to pay for it.
For that, I am so very very greatful.

Lack of sleep

and the consumption of alcohol makes me very hung over.
But other than that I actually FEEL GREAT <3
I went out with a group of friends last night to a theatre restaurant.
Basically where you see a show, and eat dinner.
It was fantastic..
You actually ride a ghost train into the theatre.
Its really cool.

SO yeh yesterday 9/10

:)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

6/10

Still wrapped with having NO lexapro side affects.
I am feeling better..
I can feel that its working.. its weird.
I feel a little bit more like me.
But at the same time I still feel kinda crappy.

Bleh.

It'll get better

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

WOO HOO

I offically got my first weird/random google search..
Its not that freaky.. but we are getting there..


funny taste in mouth and spotting between periods clots


Paging doctor google

Natural high.. sorta

So I'm pretty much as high as a kite right now.
I haven't felt this giggly for a few months so its kinda nice.
I'm assuming, really assuming that the lexapro has kicked in.

Apart from my little melt down today about people not having manners.
(Btw, he called and said thank you)

I laughed alot today at work, which I felt guilty about actually.
I will share the crappy news first.

One of the guys I work with, he is an an athlete, he rides bikes and does marathons.
He is a really sweet guy, very kind and a family man.
I don't know 100 % of the details, but yesterday he was riding and he came off his bike. He hit his head quite badly and had bleeding on the brain. They did emergency surgery, to releave the pressure. He also smashed his shoulder quite badly. At the moment he is doing okay, he is still in intensive care but is awake and alert.
So please if you have some spare prays send them his way, as I will be.

Also my friend Bryan who i've mentioned before, he lives in another state but we are really good friends. Well he was admitted to hospital yesterday with double pnemnoia. He was not responding to treatment orally, so he will now be in there for atleast a few days on a very heavy dose of antibiotics and fluids. I was very worried about him, but he txted me last night and also today saying that he was feeling a bit better.. Finally.
So also some prayers for Bryan.


Today at work, I laughed alot.. again guilty with all the things that have been happening.
We have merchandise at work, basically which has our company logos on it, ect to promote the company(I work in marketing) anyway we were discussing different promotions that we could run with these new jackets that we got in.

They are very swanky jackets, water proof and fleecy on the inside with all the brands on them. They actually cost alot of money for something we are going to give away.
Anyway, my friend at work Mat decided to try the jacket on. For some reason, he did the jacket all the way up pretty much too his nose.. but it got stuck! So he was standing there for 10 minutes but he couldnt really get the zip.. and we were all trying to help him but it was hilarious to watch this guy shimmy his way out of a jacket. I was in stitches..
I dont know why it was so funny, it just was.. Usally hes so composed and wouldnt do soemthing so silly.. but yeah it was good to have a laugh..


I was also just talking to a friend of mine, she got back from dubai today after visiting her boyfrind who is over there on work. We are going out for her sisters birthday to a theatre restaurant. I am so excitied haven't been out in a while and I am SO feeling it this weekend it was gonna be great.


We were discussing another friend who is getting married in a few months. It's kinda bitter sweet, our friend is still pretty young. (22) she got pregant by accident on purpose at the end of 2007 and had a healthy baby boy which is great... but I dunno..
Usally when you go to a wedding its a beautiful emotional event and you see the couples love and everything..
There love kinda doesn't move me.. I dunno.. I guess that sounds a bit mean.
I am still so happy that shes found love and happiness.. but yeh I'm just not all that excited and I was just having a laugh with my friend.

Anyways, I've talked enough crap.
In summary, today 8.5/10.

x Caragh


PS:
Ya so he called me.. after more than 2 weeks now i've not speaking on the phone. It was kinda nice just to chat to him.. We talked mostly about work, and he spoke about his easter with his daughters. I have to try so hard not to melt when he speaks about them.. just the amount of love you can tell pouring out.. And he was just telling me these little stories and saying how he was tearing up because his daughter who is very independant and hates to be cuddled and picked up was snuggling with him. Yeah its hard.
But i'm moving on from THAT part of my relationship with him, and hopefully into a solid frienship. so thats good.

Its called PLEASE and THANK YOU

Manners.
I hate people who have no manners.
Yes I am aware that I swear alot.
This does not mean, I am not polite and well spoken.
It just means I SWEAR ALOT.

When someone is kind to you, does you a favour, or makes a nice gesture.
Usally in most civilized countries its CUSTOMARY to say.
THANK YOU.

TWO WORDS.

8 Letters.


It bothers me to no end, that when you go out of your way to offer assistance to someone that they are ungreatful and rude.

I am TRYING not to let this moment wreck my day, but its hard.
I wish I could be one of those unhelpful people, who wasn't a go to person.
But I'm not, thats not who I am.
I like to help people, but not ungreatful people.

Seriously, GROW UP people and use your manners.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The one time I didn't want to be right

Sigh, My prediction this morning that I wouldnt have the best day.. Well it came true.
Maybe I set myself up for failure?

I've been working through some stuff all morning, but just have been able to get anywhere.

My friend, good friend Bryan whom I work with has Pnemonia.
I started more than 2 weeks ago as a cough, but after a week away on the road(he's a sales rep) He has been knocked flat for more than a week.
This man, does NOT take time off work. Infact he has more than 100 sick days saved up.Not anymore.

Even with medication, it's spread very quickly.
His lungs are now scared, imagine two weeks and they are damaged.

It's really upset me. I really value and love our friendship and not talking to him is really starting to bug me.
I can't visit him either, because he's in another state.

He's being admited to hospital for more tests this afternoon because he's not responding to any kind of treatment they give him.

I had a nap on the weekend, and I actually had a very scary dream.

AH I tend to seet myself up to get upset I think, so generally I think I'm just pretty down and worried about him.
He is the sweetest guy, very short and he always comes across with the line "good things come in small packages" and "I may be little but I have a big heart"
Now these lines SOUND cheesy, but there so true.
He is the sweetest thing, and I'am very worried.

Hmmm
I better go I've got a stack of work to get into.

Early to bed, early to rise

except
I didnt go to bed early.
I tossed and turned last night.
damn me and my over active imagination.
I was excited to get up and read all my blogs this morning.
does that make me a loser?

I dont feel like today will be the best day, But I also don't think it will be the worst day.
Up and on with it then.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Degrees of Seperation

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the movie crash. If you haven't seen it, I wont wreck it for you.. but basically it works on the theory that we are all connected.. I will give you an example.


Rod(Man friend I work with)Went to school with A( An Australian Comedy)
A Knows my friend
B (Who I met on the interwebs when I was 12 in a yahoo chat room mind you)
B knows her ex boyfriend
A(another A) Who knows my friend
Mat (Who I work with)
And they both went to the same school who
J (My dads girlfriend) was a teacher
And then of course, theres ME.

Spanning 3 Generations of people, and 3 states.

We are all connected!!!!

Yes I have too much time

Sorry I'm really happy and positive right now, and I just felt like sharing.

Seriously? I have a type???

I was out for a drive.. I do that when im bored, I go out in my little car and I listen to music and I think. Just I was nearing the home stretch I was thinking about a comment that someone left me about learning to love ourselfs first with regards to relationships.


So I came to think about how I always seem to go for a type of person... usally quite a similar type. I'll give my past dating history to give you an example;

Georgia: Ah my first real love, I say love because I did and do love her as a person. She was complicated, a little bit insane.. she had been through far to much for someone of her age. Only 16 when I met her, she had been through foster care, been emotionally, physically and sexually abused, and had been hit by a train. yes a real live moving train. She had been through re-hab and in and out of the mental health care system.
But regardless of any of these things(most of which scared the shit out of my 17 year old self) I thought I could be her white night, zap in and save her from the evil forces that were controlling her life. I took to parenting her, because she never had been parented properlly.. I occasionally talked over her, told her what to wear.. pulled up her pants on the odd occasion when her low slung jeans revealed a g string in front of my family. I did none of this in a mean way, I just did it.. at first she loved it.. someone who really genually cared about her enough to do any of these things. I was never abusive towards her, would not raise my voice.. even when she did ridiculously stupid things.. but in the end she grew tired and thought I was trying to change her and it ended(With her cheating on me, forgive and forget people)

Enter Ally.. Ally seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, she was coming into her sexuality and was loud and outgoing.. she was closeted to her family.. and had some deep seeded dad issues (did i mention georgia also had those, in any case she did) I pretty much moved from Georgia, to Ally within a period of two months.
We were friends at first, I worshiped the ground she walked on, wanted to be with her every second of every minute, of everyday.
We ended up dating for 6 months, but only because at the time she had no other better offers and didnt want to loose my friendship(I have never been one to end a friendship lightly) I did help Ally, just like I helped georgia.. I helped her come to terms with who she really was.. She was herself when she was with me and soon enough she became herself with everyone. I know shes a better person because of this, well I do because she's told me.
Sadly our friendship did not make it through the years.. it ended pretty much on new years when I realised she didnt really want to be around me anymore.
I was okay with that.


Enter Sarah (she came after I dated ally) I met her on the interwebs and saw her out one night.. I was with ally at the time , I pointed her out. Ally sort her out for me and we danced.. she gropped my boobs like no one ever has before(I think she was drunk, no wait I know she was) And exchanged numbers..
She was also coming to terms with her sexuality and had just come out of an abusive relationship. She was VERY girly when I met her.. she was a veggo, and she liked to stick it to the man... "You sold out" she'd say to me of my office job.. and I'd say but girl sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.. Within 6 months she was working an office job and still is.
I had every intention of wanting to take the relationship forward, but she wasn't interested. We did get it on a few times, so I'll always have that.
Needless to say we dont see each other that much, but when we do we ALWAYS have fun togerther and I value her friendship ALOT.
She's also fully come to terms with her sexuality, and in a steady long term relationship and saving up to go overseas for atleast 6 months in June.

Enter Keelie.
Keelie is georgia, georgia is keelie.. they are one in the same person..
With regards to there history, issues with men.
Keelie is funnier though, she totally fell in love with me depsite all of my obvious flsws in the 6 months following my mothers death.
I was totally selfish and unkind to her at times, and It was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made to hurt her as badly as I did.
She needed me, and I needed her.. This went on for more than a year mind you.
We were never in a relationship, but for months our hearts were tied togerther with a peice of string, unable to let go of the idea that we'd some day, some how be togerther and it would just fit.
She would call me puppy.. Why puppy you say.
Well you know how when your toilet training a puppy, they often have accidents in the middle of the lounge room floor... normally in the same spot... we'll thats what i'd do.I'd make mistakes, the same mistakes over and over, and everytime she'd say to me, You may have just pissed on the carpet, but when you look at me I can't see anything but how beautiful you are. Needless to say, I spent alot of nights in the dog house, but i spent a fair few nights curled up on the couch in her arms as well.

When it all ended, I was lost.. literally in peices. That was when I first sought help for my depression. We are still friends, dont talk as much but when we do the same old chemistry is there..
I will love her always for all the things she did for me, including her saying to me "you are so fucked up you need help"


Enter Rod.
The new guy, who lives in another state comes and talks to me at a work function.
We talk, and laugh.Wait im in the throws of depression, I didn't even want to come to this function. Why am I laughing. He was sweet, hilarious and very intelligent. (Not to mention really cute for an old man, he's 39)
I immeditatly was smitten. I just didn't know it at first. He opened up to me, about the custody battle he'd been having with his ex wife, to see his two daughters for five years. He told me things, that I know he's probably never told anyone.
The one thing he didn't tell me, was that he was in a relationship.
Let me be clear in saying, nothing has happened with this man, I have developed and clear and obvious affection for him. Yes I love him, as stupid as it sounds. I do. I fell for it. I honestly don't think he meant for any of this to happen.But he now knows that it has, and he's completely thrown the ball back in my court.
Saying that he will give me anything I want, or need.
At the moment, he's giving me space. Which is good.

I could be mad, I could hate him (during some parts of the day I do) for letting this happen, for sucking me in knowing there would be no good to come out of this. But there is good, he helped open me up again to a side that I'd shut down. To realise that I am attracted to men (the right men, mind you) And I HAVE to be grateful for that because without him, I don't think that would have happened.

So the space that he's giving me,if it goes to plan... I will take the time I need to grieve the love I had for him, and hopefully we can go back to being good friends. Not the type of friends, who say they miss each other, and send videos too.. and talk about spooning, and saying I love you. Nope just normal friends.

So back to my point,although I've been single since 2005 (Which was a LONG time ago)I've never really been alone for anymore than a few months. I've always had that person there.. to help and too need and to want.
I've never taken the time to reflect on everything thats happened in my life, i've just jumped straight into depending on someone else for my happiness and forfillment.
And I realised today, of all days that I can't do that anymore..

Because at the end of the day, I just end up here. In this holding pattern of being alone again and HATING it. Cursing the person I'd developed feelings for, when really I should be looking to myself and WHY I constantly need this other person there to make me happy & make my life complete.
Endless wishing, hoping and praying that things will turn out for the best.
Because 10/10 times they haven't they've just left me feeling cold and alone.

I need to look at my own happiness, and how I can for filling life without someone else in it.
I don't know exactly how I'm going to do that.. But I just know that I need too.

Incase you can't tell today is a 9.25/10
Lexapro side affects= None

And thank you to the person who commented and got me thinking as to the topic of this post, it is definatly most appreicated

Sunday, April 12, 2009

WTF

OH
MY
GAWD
I know third post for today, i'm clogging up your reader.

I was just speaking with my older brother who's 27.
He lost his job last week due to the down turn in the economy(he worked in retail as a manager)
He just informed me, he applied for the ARMY.

ARE YOU SERIOUS
Brother of mine, you can't do that.
If he gets in, instantly my mother is going to come back and haunt me for letter her baby boy join the army.

In no way do I think this isn't an honorable move.
BUT FUCK brother..
As if you have enough displine to join the army.

fuck fuck fuck
sorry swearing
I know
bad
fuck
no
why?
argh

yup yup yup

My internet speed has been cut.
My brother is going to kill me.
Do you think he'll by that it was watching youtube which sucked up 2 gig of interweb's usage in a day?
noooo
I suppose not.

Oh well.
Interwebs ban for caragh.

Dang nammit wont even load post secret

Easter Sunday

I am feeling alot better today.
Seriously, one day at a time is all it takes.
I didn't go out last night, infact I downloaded and enjoyed watching Milk.

Amazing movie, seriously I highly recommend it to everyone..
It actually made me very proud to be same sex attracted and very grateful that people across the world, fought to bring hope to future generations like me, and those who will come after me. But its more about civil rights, the rights of every human being who walks this earth.
Anyway, watch it.. its amazing.

However.. I kinda sorta maybe have downloaded a few too many tv shows/ that one movie this month.We have super fast cable internet (super fast by australian standards, our cable coverage is nothing compared to that of the US, or euorpe but it will be thanks to the 1 trillion million billion dollar plan layed out by the government last week, but anyways)

Long story short, my brother went away yesterday to visit with his fiance's family, and its going to come back to super capped (i'm talking 56k old school, terribly slow internet) and he's going to kill me because its a public holiday and he can't call and beg them to extend our download limit.
I'm REALLY hoping that he doesn't yell at me too much, violence is not the answer Matthew.. Yeh my brother plays WOW he is going to be VERY upset with me.

I took myself out for breakfast/brunch/lunch but forgot that nothing is open today because the government has ruled that they aren't aloud to be..
So pretty much nothing was open, but I found a cafe' and had something to eat and coffee. Read my Cosmo.. I swear i'm not girly, but trashy mag's are my weakness.

Anyway I don't have much planned for the rest of the day.

Lexapro side effects= None. Zero. Zip. For 5 days in thats pretty damn good, I have slept alot though.

I really feel like going to visit mums grave soon, mothers day is coming up.. I went last year but dad and I were fishing up there. I don't think he'd go up with me this year. I could go now If I think about it, its a beautiful day.
hmmm hard

I hope everyone has had a nice easter.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Winning makes me happy

So I ventured off to football...
ALONE.
People say alone like its such a bad thing, I'm my best friend.
Is there anything wrong with that?
Sure sometimes its nice to have company, but its not always appropriate.
I'm in a depression, the last thing and I mean REALLY the last thing I want to do is drag someone else down with me.
Nope, If im going to sink I refuse to bring anyone aboard to sink with me.
But i'm not going to sink, no no thats what the lexapro is for to help me stay above water.

My team won, which makes me happy.
Yup..

I had chinese food.. that makes me happy and sad because its hell bad for ya.
hmm

I'm downloading the movie Milk.... its almost half way finished.
That makes me happy.

Overall today is about a 7.5/10

Still trying to work out if im going to see my exgood friend tomorrow..
Hmmmm
Thinking thinking thinking

The sun will come out tomorrow

Yes.. I'm feeling better.
Much better actually..
I would rate today thus far about a 6.5/10
No lexapro side affects today
SCORE

I'm just about to get myself out of bed, put on some half decent clothes and take myself off to a football match.
Yes i'm going alone, which is slightly pathetic but at the same time even if we loose I know it will make me feel a damn lot better.

A friend of mine has been pushing me to hang out with her (okay an ex girlfriend who I quite possibly want to have sex with) We were meant to do it today but I dont think im quite up for the company yet. I feel bad because I know she set aside time for me..
but nope not feeling it today..
Still feeling rather un-sexy.

For anyone who follows mck mamma, Stellan is out of the PICU
YAY much

okay..
I'm going to move..
Right
about
now

Friday, April 10, 2009

WOW just wow

Okay.. I stumbled onto a pregnancy forum.
No i'm not pregnant, or planning on getting pregnant.
I was just reading through some forum's... and found a thread.

Basically a 16 year old girl was asking how long she should wait before trying to concieve after a miscariage.
Instantly my mind, like most would go to judgement.
NO please NO stop dont do it NO.
I clicked onto her profile to see some belly shots....
I then scrolled down to find out this girl, young little girl had been 6 months pregnant and in a head on car accident causing her to lose her child.
Obviously this is recent and shes still in a very bad stage of grief.

I then proceeded to read the thread and see this young girl be attacked by all the older mothers on the thread.
Telling her she was an idiot, she needed to grow the fuck up, she didnt know what she was doing.

Basically they attacked the fuck out of this poor grieving CHILD.
Of course she took the offensive, told them to mind there own business..
They hacked at her more..
I couldn't belive what I was reading, its someones right for them to have an opinion.
But honestly what kind of kick would they get out of attacking this poor child, who obviously probably doesn't need advice on trying to concieve again anytime soon..
But doesn't need to be attacked while she is greiving the loss of a child she had just buried.

The interwebs always suprises me..

Lexapro day 3

Okay so clearly if you read the post below this one..
I'm not having the best day.
I was awake very early, still not feeling the best in the tum.
Lil dizzy and such.
I am down, I will admit that....
I think my brain Stupid fucked up brain that it is is just adjusting to the meds.
So at the moment, im not a happy girl.
Needless to say I had a nap, and I feel a bit better.. not a whole bunch but a bit.
I'm angry.
Angry that I'm here again.
But I realise that my anger, will not change anything.. nor will it make it go away.
I've just got to take each day as it comes and fight each small battle I have with myself.
My heart aches, all I want in this world is just a hug.. ya know.
I'm not a fancy girl, don't buy me something, don't take me anywhere..
Just hold me, and we'll be just fine.

God please give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.
Thats the strength I need right now, to accept everything just as it is.
And too move on.

I planned to try and have a fun weekend this long weekend..
I don't know if thats still a possibility..
The only thing that excites me at all is that im going to make lasange to take into the boys at work next week.. yes see I have no life.

I'm sorry this is so depressing.. seriously I can be a funny and upbeat and crazy (good crazy) character..
I just cant seem to get it out of me lately.

Anyway..
I'm off to get some food!!

Dear Caragh

You are a fucking idiot.
You torture yourself on a daily basis.
You actually found the strength to tell him to fuck of.
You don't owe him any kind of explanation.
YET you gave him one.
You stupid stupid stupid immature, pile of POO.
You know that they are togerther... but he say's there not
BUT THEY ARE.
You've seen the face book status updates.
OH FFS.. WHY WOULD YOU DO IT.. because I wanna be friends
Because I wan't to hurt myself continuously because I dont feel that I am in any way shape or form.
Repeat after me..
You are weak.
WEAK.

I want the ran to keep falling..
I want the sky to fade to black..
I want the storm clouds to brew..
I want to fall asleep and never wake up

I'm awake

hmm its only 7:26am on my first day of an extra long easter weekend.
I'm awake... I awoke very violently at 6:30AM.
I realised that if I was awake, I should get up and take my meds because I need to get into a consistent pattern.
So I did that.. and then.
Bang im awake.
So onto blogger I go.
I wonder if peple wonder how I manage to keep up with all of the 80 + People im subscribed to.

Well, in all honesty.. I do.
Everyone is so DIFFERENT.
There stories are unique and memorable and thats how I keep up.
Each day I scroll through my google thing telling me who's just updated, and I open there pages.. infact sometimes I go down to the point I last read, and then I open them ALL up sometimes this can be 20 blogs.. and I read and read and most of the time I comment, and send some love.

Then once a week starting from the bottom up, I click on each blog im subscribed too, open them up and make sure I haven't missed any entries for the week.
So yup, thats how I do it.

It may seem liek I'm a big loser who spends 203423809 hours reading blogs which may be true.. but everyone has there own story..

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Thinking

I thought I was doing okay.. I really did.
I look fine, I look happy, right?
Wrong.. I'd just walked into the kitchen after eating dinner.
My SIL goes to me "are you okay?"
I rub my eyes and think too myself first.
"yeah im fine, just tired"
She pauses, half smiles and then goes
" are you sure? " she says
"yeah im fine, why?"
" you look so sad?"

I walked away at that point and back into my room.
I know sometimes you've gotta go down before you come up.

I wish my life was different, I know I spend all this time wishing, thinking, praying.
That i'll wake up and this WONT be my life.
I guess I just have to live with WHAT IS.
At the moment, I'm a mess..
Its only April but for some reason I'm thinking about Mothers day already.
Mothers day, its a dreaded day for me..
I haven't yet had one where I was able to remember my mum properly, and without feeling such over whelming grief.
Mothers day is such an important time for most people, its all they talk about in the week leading up....
My friend Mat and I both lost our mothers to breast cancer in our teenage years.
Its a shitty shitty week for both of us, now we are working in the same department.. Side by side.
I remember last year he was extra sad, his mother died 9 years ago so its less fresh.. but still there of course, Its always there.
He had just had his son, and he couldn't work out how to feel.. happy for his partner and her experience but sad for himself.

I dunno.. I dunno when im coming out of this funk..
I know this is no where near the worst that i've ever felt.
I will never get there again..

By now i've probably lost all the poor people reading this, and you probably want me to be happy with what I have.. but right now.
I guess as SIL just said.

"You look sad"

I am sad..
but shhh stop reminding me

Day 2

I'm feeling better...
I won't say I'm feeling GOOD.. but definatly better.
I'm struggling with remembering to take my pills, but i've just gotta get into the habit.
I might have to wake myself early tomorrow in order to take it at the right time, I dont wanna get off track over the easter break because its a good chance for me to get my routine in order so that i'll have more success sooner down the track.


Nausea is quite a bit better, my sleep is yet to be interupted infact i was very tired last night but I didnt switch off til about 11.. Still pretty early considering.

I dont have much planned for my long weekend, but I am getting my car back.
SO excited.
I have hated not having my car, not having the freedom.. my little toyota yaris might not be the fastest car on the block.. but its definatly my baby and It gets me around.

Sex with an ex?
Bad idea..
Haha

Almost as bad as the unavailable guy, who apparently is happy to wait til im ready to talk, and happy to give me whatever I want..
hmm don't know about that.
I'm trying to move on for the feelings I have for him, its damn tough.
But i'm realistic in knowing its time to move forward.
We'll have to maintain a friendship.. but at the moment I can't.
I asked him if it was all just a big joke and he said to me,

"Nope no mistake here, I love you (sorry but i just do) "

So we'll see..
Its all just words at the moment, it has to be.
To anyone who doesn't believe its possible to completely fall in love with someone you've only ever met once in person.
You are soooooooo wrong.
If he appears down here any time soon then we'll have an issue.

This is caragh signing off.
I keep accidently pressing the space bar.. and then thinking that it wasn't me.
Clearly it was!
I should be working, I should be.. I should be...
Ah fuck it, i'm good at my job and I work hard.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

bare with me

Brain FUZZ
Feeling good though?
No it can't kick in this quickly.. this is a natural high..
DRY MOUTH
OMG dry mouth I forgot all about you, you have some back with a vengance.
Slight nausea... still around.
4-6 weeks and this will all be gone, and my mood will be consistent..
Something I haven't been for a while..
I'm also STAYING on the low dosage.. for atleast 12 months.
I want to come out of this.. come out bouncing and consistent..
Can't concentrate.
I have a 3 hour meeting atleast coming up..
This is gonna be funny.. I have to sit away from my friend Mat, he's been killing me with laughter today..

so scattered :(

Lexapro

Hour 1..
Nausea...
Funny taste in my mouth.

I can hack this..
I will feel better...

I will control my temper.

BLAH

I cracked last night..
Txt's messages are evil when your laying in bed feeling alone...
I liked one of his comments
"We can walk togerther without holding hands"

No we can't.
My feeling for you are stopping me from moving forward with my life.
And your unavailable..
So unavailable.

Onto the day...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Random statements

1. Doctor thinks despite break through bleeding, that i'm okay.. but because I was concerened refered me to a hospital to see a GYNO.. I don't know how I feel about that...
2. She thinks I should go on the pill, and see how I go and then decide about seeing the GYNO..
3. Possible endometriosis, I don't know how I feel about that... I don't really know enough.....
4.I will try and educate myself, but not think about it too much
5.. Abnormal Pap smear with HPV result, not related?
6. Tomorrow morning I am offically on Lexapro again. 10mg, we'll see how we go.. must admit.. I am taking this to help with the agression and sadness I am at times experiencing.. PRAYING to god that I don't have bad side effects, I didnt last time.. also preying it will help me to get up and going and possibly loose some weight.
7. I have lasted 6 days without talking to him, he hasn't tried to call me.. Only on email "I miss you, please call me"
8. I can't not yet, not strong enough but I will be.

9. I am feeling a bit funny in the tummy right now, I want a hot chocolate but i'm scared of what it will do to me.

10. I think thats about all, I'm going to start documenting my Lexapro takings and moods and stuff.. just a small note so If I reflect back in the future that I'll have something to look to.

Comments

I realised I had somehow disabled comments.
I think there back up and running..
So too anyone who has tried to comment on any of the crap insightful things I may have said!
Sorry..
Something must have trigged...
Its now fixed..
I think..

An overeaction

I realised I probably over reacted last night.
I guess I was just a bit upset.
2 periods in one month.
BLAH

I am going to damn right insist that some more tests are done.
Despite the fact that they are uncomfortable, and i'll need time off work.
Which I really don't need right now.
SO busy.

Too many people in my family have died because they ignored the signs there body was giving them.
I will not be one of those people who sits back and says
"oh I think this thing will fix itself"

I remember reading an IF blog and someone speaking about being your own advocate.
I will be my own health advocate because at the end of the day who is really gonna know me, or know my body better than me.
No one..

Stay tuned..

Monday, April 6, 2009

Double take? WTF

Wednesday 25th Feburary AF arrives.
Pain is unbearable and lasts for 5 hours no stop.
Eventually get home, crawl from toilet to bed after taking pain killers..
After I had vommited.
AF very heavy... normal for me I guess

Saturday 28th feb
AF stops.
WOO hoo.
Throw away the tampons for at least another 28 days.

Saturday 5th March..
Brown Spotting
Brown blood, clots...

Thinking to self.. very strange.

Sunday 6th Feb.

Full on AF.
Bleeding Alot..
Considering period stopped a week ago.

Not pregnant.
couldn't be, not having sex.
Unless im the virgin mary.

FUCK

Am I that stressed?
OR is something wrong.
Is something wrong?

Whats wrong wtih me?

FUCK.
Will the doctor ignore me.
This is NOT right.
I don't feel right.
I feel bloated.

Monday 7th
Still bleeding..
Only slightly.
But enough.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Pissed

Not drunk.. Just annoyed.

Just over a year ago I had my first pap smear... All went okay, I relaxed.
Slightly abnormal cells.. most likely due to HPV.
SAY WHAT NOW?
I have, or have had HPV.. nope doesn't seem likely.
I've never slept with anyone thats showed symptoms.
Lets forget the fact that I haven't had sex for a long long while.
So im annoyed by I move on.. and forget the fact that one of the 3 people i've slept with has given me an STD.. without knowing it??
Herpes is usally something that can't be missed.

So follow up(because im young and only slightly abnormal) Is a pap test in a year instead of two years.
No biggy.
So about two months ago, in between periods I start having pelvic pain.
Its uncomfortable, radiates from my lower ab, all the way to my back.
Realising im due for a pap smear, I book in.
Just before I hop up on the table, and get myself into position.. ya know pants down legs spread.
I ask if this is anything to be conserned about.
My doctor says no, but if it happens again its something they'll check out.

Have the pap smear, wait 3 weeks to get a note in the mail saying "all is good, follow up pap smear in a year"
BUT wait if its all good, why in a year.
Tried to make an appointment to go back.. cant get in...

Insert late period that is the worst pain i've ever been in. 5 hours of cramps, extremely bloated.. like HUGE even for me.
Period only last a few days... quite odd.. for me. but i'll take it.

Just over a week later, go to the toilet.
Peeing
"Hmm thinks to self... looks a little brown"
Wipes..
Okay, thats alot brown..
NO thats blood.. with clots..
Not falling out period style.. but defaintly enough to warrant a pad, or even a tampon.
Say what now?
I'm a week out from my period
"googles"
hmm it could be ovulation bleeding?
Seriously?
no..
I'm still not there yet.

So what it is??
In all honesty..
It could be a number of things.. Stress, hormones all over the shop.
But I don't wanna wait..
I don't wanna go in there and be told "oh its probably nothin"
coz it could be something.
It could be something serious.

I always think the worst, coz i've gotta think the worst coz 9/10
THE WORST HAPPENS.
I'm annoyed because this always happens.

On top of that, my dad had someone coming to look at the house.
My brother just lost his job.
I'm possibly going to loose my job..
Due to the idiots that I work with..

I can't see positive in anything anymore.
It just seems without merit to even try.
On top of that.
I MISS HIM. I do....
And its killing me wanting to know if he misses me..
But I can't ask.
I can't know.
I can't even try, because I ended this... so i'd be better off.
But I don't feel better off.. I just feel alone.
Even though he was far away.... I never felt alone because he was always in the back of my mind.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Where will it all go?

My dad decided recently to sell up our family home of.. 11 years and move on.
I understand he needs to do this, my mum is everywhere in this house.
Shes on the walls, in the laundry, little notes in the cupboards, shes the bathroom that was ripped out one afternoon 5 years ago and never put back in.
Every little inch of this place reminds us of her.
For some of us (the kids) its okay, but for my dad I think partly the pain.. but also the guilt has slowly started to deterorate.

A few weeks ago we got into a large argument, hes insisting on selling up now.
He was being angry and harsh with me. Saying he wanted nothing more to do with us.
He said some hurtfull things, I said some hurtfull things.

I was laying in my bed that night, after crying SO hard that I literally thought my head was going to fall off and I thought to myself..

WHERE WILL IT ALL GO?

Where will the memories that have accumlated over 30 years go.
The pictures, letters,cards,tokens, and just general other household items GO?
I'm assuming that, dad will be getting a MUCH smaller place.
I'm also assuming hes not going to want a whole heap of stuff reminding him of the life his trying in part to leave behind.

Since this time, and through a bit of persistance.

"I'm your blood.. you don't get to choose to leave me.. not now not ever."
My dad and I reluctantly(coz we're both stubborn) Made up.
I gave him some space, and recieved a text message(So male.. very emotional) saying simply this

"I love you very much, but you drive me nuts just like your mum"

And its a fair call.. I can be JUST like my mum.
At times I look like her, act like her, talk like her.. sometimes I even smell like her(I still have her dressing gown and im pretty sure it hasn't been washed and I dont care if this is grosse)

I don't do any of these things to antagonish or upset my dad.. its just the way it is. I consciously and subconiously do these things to honor and remember her.

I except that its time to move on, and so eventually,probably sooner than I'd like
The for sale sign will go up, the place will be snapped up and we'll all have a use by date on when all of the things that we have will be packed up and moved.

But the question lingers in my mind.
Where will it all go?

Dad won't want to keep it.
I don't really want to split it all up.
So that begs the question.. is all of this stuff going to be MY responsibility.
Just like it was MY responsibility to try and organise and hold everyone togerther soon after mum died.

"Look out for your dad, he'll meet someone.. I know you'll know if shes a good person"
"Make sure Ben gets regular check ups"
"Keep an eye on Matthews emotional health"

I hate that at 18,19,21 22
I have to think about these things.
My mum should be 52.
She should be living her life, surrounded by all of us.. in this same house.. with all our stuff with no useby date on when its gotta be packed up.

I guess all this stuff.. memories that were meant to last a WHOLE life time.
Will be another weight I will have to carry with me.

I know this seems so bitter and twisted.. and on one hand I'm glad I was intrusted with looking after everyone..but on the other hand.
I'm the youngest, the baby.. And i'm all out on a limb here.
I wish I didn't feel so weighed down with responsibility.





In other news.
I miss him, already. SIGH but 24 hours.. no contact.. I'm doing well..
Now if I can just make it a whole week without hearing his name, or voice, or having any kind of contact at ALL... I'll be okay.
I made the right decsion i'm sure of that

Something fun on a friday night!

Big thanks to
http://fairyxbec.blogspot.com/

For the link.. and the instructions!!

Hi all this is something to do on a friday night.
Take's about 10 minutes, but its fantastic.


All you have to do is:

1) Go to Flickr and using only the first search page place in the answers to one of the 9 questions into the search engine.

2) Then copy and paste the URL's for each image you choose into the 'Mosaic Maker' at: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php. Remember to change the columns to 3x3.

3) Voila! Save it to your computer and then you have your Mosaic that completely resonates you!

This is my one, I love it.


I am thinking about trying to print it and put it up






Here are the questions. Can you guess which answer goes to which photo :)

1) What is your name? Caragh
2) What is your favourite drink? Coca-Cola. (I wanted to put water but then I would by lying!)<--- thats Rebecca's answer but I love it.
3) What is your favourite food? Salad ( I really do love salad I just dont eat it enough)
4) What is your favourite Colour? Purple
5) Where is your dream vacation? Anywhere as long as It is quite
6) Favourite hobby? Blogging
7) What do you want to be when you grow up? A mother
8) What do you love most about your life? Love.. so simple
9) One word to describe you? Sweet.


I hope you all love it

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I am woman hear me roar

I did it.
Problem Sorted.
Best nights sleep in 6 MONTHS.
6 MONTHS PEOPLE.

This is amazing.
I haven't felt this impowered in SUCH a long time.
Its killing me..
But in such a good way.

At lunch im going to go out and by myself some flowers and put them on my desk to remind me.
Just how strong I am.
Just how amazing I can be.
Just how I should NEVER let someone else control my happiness.
Because after all it is
MY HAPPINESS

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Word Vomit

I dont know 100 % whats wrong with me lately.
I have been down.. Way down.
All I do is bitch and complain about him.
Its not helping.

I'm trying so hard to take each day as it comes.
Today was a good day.

My car is in to repaired, at that other guys expense.
As if that could have ever been my fault.
I also just found my insurance is WRONG.
Its got my car plated as an 07' model, but its clearly an 08' Model.
And I'm told this should cost me less?

Oh well one more year til im a rating 1.

I'm exhausted.. I spent 7 hours on the phone last night.
7 hours.
Thats a very long time to be on the phone.
It was an indepth and GOOD conversation.
It got a bit scary at one point...
BUT it was all sorted and for that I am SO glad.

It's actually help me laugh a bit today.
Its great to be BUSY at work.
Keeps my mind of him doesnt help when he calls me.. and trys something.
Sigh..

Hopefully what I said to him today.. which was nothing really..
Will help him to back off.

okay see its like word vomit huh...
Hmm hungry and tired.
Tonight is gonna be interesting.

Dear ***

When my mum died, I was instrusted with looking after my family.
What about me I thought, obviously mum thinks im strong enough to go this alone.
Ha stupid thought.

I believed every little word you told me, hanging on by a thread because I eneded someone like you, to breathe the life back into me. To make me laugh and make my bad days better.
Thankyou

But to be honest with me?
You weren't.
Not always.
Maybe in your eyes you've done no wrong, no harm.
But I can tell you now that is not the case.
You broke me.

Can I have that thank you back?

I gave you a chance to come free, get out of jail free.
No hard feelings.
Just stay friends?
Right.

Wrong.
But no you made a choice to stick to your story.
Stupid man.
This is the bit where you protest your innocence and If I wasn't so strong Rod.
Because I HAVE TO BE STRONG. I've never had that choice.
If I was weak, I'd back down.. Take it all back.
But I can't be weak anymore.

If you ask me to prove it, innocent until proven guilty?

I will have no hesitiation in doing so. Keep in mind, your lies and my stupidity have caused me great pain, and many sleepless night.
Pain I don't wish to pass on to anyone else.
This is not a threat.

I am asking one thing of you.
Go.
Take your words, lines, calls, and comments.
Direct them at someone else.
Stop shitting where you eat.. Haven't you learned your lesson yet?
Stop shitting on me, and all the trust, love and help I gave you so freely.
I will miss you, I will miss our friendship.
But I wont miss the wondering, the sleepless nights or the guilt.
And the terrible anguish that comes with caring about someone SO fucked up.
So thats it, as long as you leave me.
We'll be fine.

If not.
We'll see.