Monday, August 3, 2009

I've lost it.. Just a little

After a day like today..
I've lost it a little.
I'm talking to myself..
Doing stupid things.. like flipping oil in my face while I was taking the chicken out of the pan. OUCH much?
I am sure it will scar.. just coz thats the cool thing to do if your ME<---

On saturday I was crusing facebook.. I never do.. Some random from primary (elementary) school added me.. he's like "ohhh hey whats up you look hot"
Um hi.. your in a LTR and you have a kid. I appreicate you "THINKING" I look hot since you last saw me when I was 8 but seriously.. fuck off.
The funny thing is I have NO idea who he is.. I just know I went to school with him, coz we went to the same school and were in the same grade... um yeh his name is jamie.. which was a weird name back then for a kid. Hey it was the 90's...
Names like Max or Bailey or Jordan and even Jamie were COMPLETLY uncommon.
I must admit.. I am a bit of a freak with how my name is spelt but whatever.

So while cruising facebook as you know it comes up with "people you may know" and its insane to think just because you have ONE mutal friend in common that you know someone... Well turns out I did.. Turns out.. this was the friend of mine from 10 years ago that I met on the internet and was BEST friends with for 5 years. This is the same guy, who went off the deep end the same time as mum was diagnosed.. I was too fucked up for him, and he was too fucked up for me. Neither of us realised we needed help.. or each other. He pushed me out of his life.. and didn't allow me back in. Not even 2 years later. I tried to contact him.. to no avail.
But there he was.. sitting on facebook.. his profile wasn't private so I messaged him..
Just saying.. "hi how are you" blah blah.. I dont know if you'll respond but I just wanted you to know I often think about you....

A few hours later.. I was shocked to get a reply.
I BURST into tears.
His response was short but friendly.. I was desperate to know how he was and what was going on in his life... to reconnect.

This afternoon while on the phone to Boo.. I saw a response from him.


You can see my photo's? I didn't know I was letting that much info outside of the friends list setup thing. Thanks for the compliments on my pics. I appreciate it.

How am I... I'm on a steady program of Effexor and weekly sessions with my therapist. I feel like I'm getting better, but it's weird. I'm weird lol

I'm not sure if I'm ready for us to catch up yet? Sorry, I don't know how to word what I just said but I don't want it to be malicious. It's really nothing against you, I'm just worried that catching up right now might bring up stuff from my past... I don't think my shrink would approve lol. So please don't be offended. I'm not directly avoiding you I'm just trying to be safe/sane.

Anyway thanks again for finding me and sending me a message. I hope a little further on down the track we can finally catch up properly. I'm looking forward to that.

Sorry. But thank you for your patience :)



In a way the message broke my heart.
I remember what a fraile state he was in when our friendship ended.
I am so happy that he's on the right path.
I realised that MY therapy has helped me deal with what formally would have been known in my fucked up brain as "rejection"
But its self preservation. He is stronger than I and on the way to recovery.
I cried a little after I read and responded to his message.
It hurts that I can't have him back in my life, he was so important to me for so long.
It wasn't really our fault that our friendship was ruined.
As always there was a love story behind it.
He and my other friend dated for 2 years. It ended BADLY bascially in her pretending that he didn't exisit and not giving a crap when they broke up.
I remember he called me.. I couldn't understand him through his tears.. I sat with him on the phone not saying anything for 2 hours.. It broke my heart. He didn't recover... and still 4 years on he is still recovering.

So yeah... here I am slightly emotional. Glad that I am still feeling. So happy that he contacted me. So releaved to know he's okay. So hopefull for the future.

What's happened to me...
When did I become this normal????