Friday, August 21, 2009

I am not strong

The other night when I was drunk dialed by my depressed friend RM.
I sat there and listened to him tell me about how wonderful I was.
I don't like compliments, I don't think there justified.
In the course of the conversation he proclaimed many times that he loved me.
Many many many times. It was the booze more than likely, his depression and loneliness getting to him.
At the end of the conversation when he was in one of his speals.. I asked him.

He paused and said "you are so strong"
I guess not the most obvious reason why you would love someone, but anyway he was drunk so I'll forgive him.

I am tough, I have a thick skin but sometimes I break.

I had a pretty good day, I was relaxed lots of laughing looking forward to the weekend. I was optimistic about going to the footy with dad on Sunday and cleaning tomorrow. Sleeping in. Ya know all the weekend jazz.
When I got home dad was home, I wasn't expecting that at all.

I realised I had left the dishes from last nights dinner.

1 baking, 1 saucepan, 1 plate, and a knife and fork.
What I found in the sink was significantly more than that.

I wanted to unwind when I got home from work.
For an hour, I played my computer.

My dad comes into my room.

"How about doing those fucking dishes that are sitting in the sink"

Okay.. weird I think to myself he was in a great mood when I got home.

My response was
"mmm hmm"

Because I was playing a video game.

"Fucking get up and do it now you slob or i'll turn the power off"

Again weird.

Within 2 minutes I am up and doing the dishes.
I think to myself.

"Hey fuck... I didn't need that.. I don't deserve that"

I causally hand him the football tickets he left me.
I also tell him I'm not going to his daughters girlfriends school concert.

All extremely calm.

when I finish the dishes 20 minutes later he comes into my room, and takes the tv that is in all fairness his and says "get your own"

5 minutes later he disconnects the Internet.
Whatever, but now I am pissed because it appears he is taking his shit out on me.
He starts to vacuum, so random... I was gonna do that tomorrow.

I go out and ask him why he's being such a jack ass.
He proceeds to tell me about all the mess and how is disgusting.
Believe me.. I don't live in filth my dads never even seen filth.

I pretty much plead my case. That I have done nothing wrong.

He then goes into a speal about how horrible I am and how I do nothing and I am this and I am that.

In the process of this, being abused and taunted with things about myself that aren't true.
I loose it.
I throw a few little things on the ground that ARE NT MINE. But are the apparent mess.

He then begins to taunt me, and now I am yelling.
He's smirking, telling me how horrible I am.

So.. I do something I've never done before.

I attack.
I lunge at him and start hitting. (Not hard, or in the face)
Pretty much just want him to shut up.
By this stage I am hysterically crying and not even understanding what the fuck has happened.

I am not a violent person.. I was just so angry that he'd attacked me.
If I deserved it, fair enough.

I witnessed a lot of things in my parents marriage.
I saw my mum lunge at my dad many times and try and shut him up.
I saw that anger and never understood it....

But now I do.

As I write this, I am somber. I am sad. Shocked. Disapointed.

I am a WHOLE lot of things.

I am not strong.


Rebecca Louise. said...

I just read your table of events that have happened in your life. I was just so shocked at the amount you have gone through.

I now understand you a whole new level.

I hope you see the sun shine soon x

Jen AKA Jupiter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen AKA Jupiter said...

** I deleted my previous commnent - I can't spell today :-) **
Ater reading some of your blog, there is no need to question your strength. You are strong for making it through each day and gettin up the following day. Please don't ever doubt this.

Just enjoy your life to the best of your ability. Take pleasure in the little things, for one day you may look back and see they were the big things.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

A person can only take trash being dished at them for so long before they snap. The important thing, and the thing that I think shows your strength, is that you recognize that you responded in a way that isn't in your character.

Hang in there!

The Unproductive One said...

You ARE strong and you know why?

Because after everything that has happened in your life you're still breathing, you're still alive and you're still fighting everyday to find happiness and smile.

Weaker people would have fallen by the way side along time ago.

Keep your courage, it will serve you well...


Lin said...

Just because the tough skin occassonionally cracks does NOT mean that you aren't strong. You are only human, after all, but a STRONG human! (((HUGS)))

jill said...

First, I have to say that I love the pic and quote in your header. Very calming and inspiring.

After reading your side bar - I'm horrified by all the death you've had to experience. I'm so sorry. I've lost my dad and my grandfather and it's so hard - I can't imagine if I had to keep going through that over and over.

I'm sorry about the exchange with your dad on Fri. The way you explained it reminded me of the way I felt dealing with my parents back when I lived with them. I can still remember the anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, and even disappointment in myself from those times.

I hope you get through this quickly and I hope your dad comes to his senses and starts treating you better.

In Due Time said...

The best thing I ever did was move away from my abusive mother.

I feel so much better about myself now that we don't live together.

I hope you're able to find the strength to make yourself feel strong.