I have no summary of my current feelings

I honestly can't remember a time when I have ever contimplated letting someone get this close to me. My inner thoughts.. my darkest times and some happy moments thrown in there for good measure.

I've journalled for close to 10 years maybe more. I've actually met some people that I would consider life long friends.. not close but we still keep in touch. But no one i've ever touched, hugged, kissed.. fucked has ever been on this side of the fence.... WELCOME.

I don't think I've ever met anyone who has instantly disarmed me like you have, especially recently. I am generally quite a guarded person and I was in the deepest and darkest place when I even contemplated letting you in.
I feel like you have so quickly become such a large part of my life, and an intergral part of my everyday happiness but not in a bad way. There is nothing about you that really scares me. well maybe the fact that your so scared of hurting me. That kind of thows me a little bit.
I can't even in a way describe how I feel.. I think on some levels all relationships can be somewhat disfucntional and at times bring out negative aspects of someone's behavour but I just don't get that with you.

I find it so funny how I feel like you've let me in so much but you still struggle with keeping me at a comfortable distance. I'm sure that will be a work in progress.

Its funny before you mentioned a reason, season or a lifetime. I honestly never look to the future too much. I feel like sometimes i've suffered so much loss that looking to the future and just imagining who i'd be without is such a scary thing for me. But the older I get im starting to realise that not everyone leaves and I can imagine my future more and more and I'm so happy to say that I see you there. I see the evolution of our friendship and i'm glad to say it doesnt leave me feeling anxious or sad i just have a feeling of calm.

Calm.. calm is what I need in this life for peoople to help keep me grounded.. and safe. It's what i've always struggled with.

There is so much more I could say.. So many more stories I could tell you.. But all I know is that I hope and wish and know that I can have many more adventures with you. But for the first time in a long time.. I don't want to write my feelings down. I want to express them with words and emotion.... maybe on a long ride down the coast... or maybe around a large bon fire while a little bit more than half cut... I don't have anything other to say than thank you... thank you for caring about me and making our friendship a priority when and where you can. It means more to me than you can probably ever know... but maybe. Just maybe..
I'll be able to show you.

x

Dear Cigarettes

HA
I did it, one week and I only cheated
ONCE.
ONCE.
ONCE.

And I got no satisfaction from it at all.
Oh the joy, the joy of knowing I am stronger than this addiction!
boo at you for holding onto my health and my money for so long.


In other news..
I didn't work today, or I did work but I didn't work hard.
It was one of those days where I was SICK of working hard.
SICK of achieving things and then not getting any credit for it.
So I didn't do much, it was kinda like.. a mini holiday.


I am on a health kick, yes I know its overdue and If I'd shut my mouth and stuck too it last time, I wouldn't be this big to begin with but oh well.

Let me start by saying..
I walked 1 hour yesterday to the shops and back I haven't done this in YEARS.
I made my lunch today.
I made my dinner today.
I tracked my calorie intake today (just over 1500)
I walked for 30 minutes today.
I organized to rent a tread mill.
And I've had more than 3 lt of water today! I think this is also a first.

So positive, positive changes, positive attitude, positive goals.

GO GO GO

Hello Day Four

I hope you are better than day 3.
Because he was an asshole.
I sincerly doubt it though.
My teary-ness has started to kick in.
I really didn't believe that the champix could affect me this badly.
But it is.
I am exhausted all the time.
I am moody.
I am teary.
I am sad.
I am un motivated.

I am unfortunatly slipping back into a depression.

Because I am a realist, I am very surprised that I was not ready for this.
I read the warnings, checked the formus, the news articles.
But I didn't think that it would hit me like this.
NOT AT ALL.

I am determined to stick with it?
Why?

Because its short term.
If I can stay on the medication for the next 9 and a half weeks, I know my chances of kicking the smoking habit are so much stronger.
I've been able to talk myself out of asking someone for a smoke, buying a packet, or picking a butt off the street.. just kidding with that one.

I know that smoking will not make me feel better, its the joy from a cigarette that I am missing. The medication is taking that.
I am still shocked its taken ALL my joy though.


For now, I will do what I can.

Breath and reeboot.
Listen to happy songs.
Sleep when I feel like I need it.
Not beat myself up about something I can't control.

Made it

Through the day without a smoke again.
It feels WEIRD>>>
Good weird though.
I am so tired, I don't know if its the combination of the upper (lexapro) and the possible downer (champix) but I am exhausted.
I was so distracted today I ran a red light...
Eeeep not good.
I will be asleep before I know it!

1 day down

The rest of my life to go.
I did it, first day.. hardest day?? down.
I've quit smoking before, half hardly.. been on the patches for a few weeks..... or the gum and then the second someone gave me a reason to smoke.
I would.
I would go and buy a pack and just light up.
And then again..
And before I knew it.
I was on a bad day..
A PACK A DAY SMOKER.
I am not going to be one of those people who EVER puts shit onto people who smoke.
Everyone is intitled to make there own choices, but for me..
Enough was enough.
Waking up with the sore throat.
Being out of breath.
Being 300 dollars out of pocket every single month.

Not on.

I have already saved $10 dollars, see how easy was that.

Ha, seriously though today was hard.. I survived til about 11 when we normally get a coffee from the van that comes, I skipped the coffee because I knew the craving would kick in really badly.
Instead of my earlier morning smoke I went for a walk, which was strangely refreshing
I dont doubt that without champix I'd be going NUTS.
Even now, as I talk about this post, wow yeah I am craving.
But I wont, and I cant and it wont help or make me feel better.
It will just make me feel worse.
I am really determined to do this, so please.. wish me luck.

.

Numb

I hate that I am so numb right now
I hate that my stupid football team lost the grand final
I hate that I got up at 6am to watch them lose a grand final
I hate seeing my dad upset
I hate that he is lying to us
I hate that he is lying to himself
I hate that he is giving her another chance
I hate that she will hurt him again
I hate that in order to be a good daughter I just need to shut my mouth and let him live his own life
I hate that everyone who is so important to me lives so far away
I hate that I just need a hug but can't remember when I last had one
I hate everything right now.

EXCEPT
That tomorrow I will not smoke a cigarette.
That tomorrow if I get through one full day without puffing on a cancer stick, I will believe in myself enough not to ever pick up one agin.;

Love is an anmial

The title of my new favourite song.
Very happy, very positive and upbeat...
Very much how I am feeling at the moment.

All is good.
Work has been crazy busy, today I have been winding down from two months of non stop on the go stuff.
It's been good to just reflect a little, sort through a maze of old emails and store them neatly in the right place.

Dont you hate those guys who make calls on speaker phone?
I do... My boss is one of those guys.
HE JUST DID IT AGAIN.


We did our half yearly review and I managed to score myself some very good feedback.
I don't know how my boss doesn't know I think he's an idiot.
But he doesnt.

Its hard to respect some one when instead of saying.
"I didn't do anything"
says
"I didn't do nothing"

Which makes NO sense at all.
AHHHHHHHH

Anyway, so where was I?
Oh yes happy and relaxed.

We got the surprise of our lives when we were offered
GRAND FINAL TICKETS, for those of you not familiar with AFL.. its like the super bowl.
The tickets are not only worth a lot of money, but they are pretty much priceless.
I haven't heard my dad that happy in a very very long time.
He was beaming from ear to ear.

In other news, he is still seeing slut face.
I don't know what to say about it.
I think he almost feel's bad about it.
I know he misses C and that slut, but come on dad...
Let her go.

There are plenty more fish in the sea!

I am ever so excited about grey's anatomy's return tomorrow night!!!!
Or tonight our time.
I will be scuring home to illegally downloadaquire the latest episode.

Um I really have nothing interesting to report.
On Monday RM attended a wake for an aquantance he'd known for a while.
This man died suddenly and was only 46 years old. Ex Army, fit as a fiddle and the just died..
I think this has shocked RM a bit. He seem's to have improved over the last few days.
I told him I wont spend time with him when he's mental.
More or less.
I know he wants to feel better, and I know he wants to see me.
Hopefully he is still getting the help he needs and he will always have my support.

I spoke to an old friend last night which was really nice.
She is a beautiful person who cares for me a lot despite the fact I didn't treat her well in the past. But I cannot change the past, I can only do better in the future.
Onwards and upwards I say!

I have just about run out of things to say.

Oh quitting smoking is going well, my quit date is sunday.
I will be ready to give up by then.. I am ready now.. I am just.. err scared.

XX

300th Post

I can't believe this is my 300th post.
It seems like only yesterday I was diving back into the world of blogging to save me from myself.
I was confused, upset, lost and feeling without hope.
But the kind people in the blogging community took me under their wings and have helped to nurse me back to strength.
The friendship, advice, empathy and compassion I have received from so many wonderful people will never be forgotten.
As I primarily follow IF and pregnancy blogs I am now finding that these are more and more turning into family blogs.
I pray each and everyday for all the wonderful women and parents who are hoping and doing everything in there power to become parents.
I pray that your time will come just as it has for many of the people I follow.

I can't put into words how far I have come.
6 months ago I barely had the strength to get out of bed, now.. most days I jump out of bed and into the world. I am proud of what I have achieved in such a small time and all of the people reading this have contributed to that in some way.

Right now I am putting a lot of energy into supporting a friend who is going through a very difficult time, I can't imagine ever having enough courage to attempt to be there for someone in that way, but I am doing it and I am proud that I can support and love people in my life and treat them they way they deserve to be treated.

Anyway, I am getting mushy.
Blahhhhh

xxx

Baby Book

When I was born, I was the last child and only daughter.
My first brother was born VERY ILL with a rare condition which caused his bowels to develop outside his body. In 1982 there were very few cases of this and he was not given a good chance at surviving, he beat all the odds and today is in very good health. My second brother was a blessing, and much needed. My mother suffered depression after both my second brother and I were born.

I do not have any pictures of my mother pregnant, it was a hard time when she was only 3 months along we moved back to Tasmania, which is where I was born.
It kills me that I have no record of her pregnancy, I only know things she'd told me.
I have the typical first photo's taken of me when I was in the hospital.
But its only the memories really..

Until I found my Child Health baby book.


Caragh Blank Blank (ha I know i've posted info on here before about my full name, but I googled me and it linked straight into my blog, that's not good)

Date of Birth: 15/02/1987
Weight at Birth: 2.520 kg or 5.5 pounds
Length at Birth: 46cms
Weight at Discharge: 2.625 kg or 5.8 pounds


23.02.87
8 days old
2.67kg or 5.9 pounds

05.03.87
18 days old
2.98kg or 6.6 pounds

12.3.87
25 days old
3.25kg or 7.2 pounds

19.3.87
32 days old
3.45kg or 7.6 pounds

Comments:
Continuing to make good progress.
Immunization 2nd Thursday this month 2:30pm.

26.03.87
39 days old
3.72kg or 8.2 pounds
Comments:
Smiling!

2.04.87
46 days old
3.86kg or 8.8 pounds
Length: 53cm
Head: 37cm (is it just me or did I have a HUGE head)

Comments:
Responds to noises.
Weaning- Substitute one bottle feed for one breast feed each week until having all bottle feeds. (I used to bite)

9.04.87
53 days old(7 Weeks)
4.14kg or 9.2 pounds

23.04.87
57 days old(9 Weeks)
4.23kg or 9.12 pounds


7.5.87
81 days old(11 Weeks)
4.6kg or 10.3 pounds
Head: 38.7cm (STILL GROWING)


14.5.87
88 days old(12 Weeks)
4.68kg or 10.5pounds
Length: 57.2 cm's
Comments:
Reaching out for toys
Responds to familiar voices.


4.6.87
109 Days old(15 Weeks)
4.89kg or 10.13 pounds



2.7.87
137 days old(19 Weeks)
5.36kg or 11.10 pounds

Comments:
Teach to drink from cup.
Rusk (I have no idea what this means)


17.8.87
186 days old(26 weeks) 6 Month check up
5.78kg or 12.12 pounds
Length: 62.8cm
Head: 41.5cm (OH MY)
Comments:
Rolls
Appointing for heading check.



28.9.87
225 days old(32 weeks)
6.59kg or 14.8 pounds
Comments:
Can't read the comments about me, but there is a reminder note in there for my brothers appointment lol.


4.1.88
323 days old(46 weeks)
7.860kg or 17.5 pounds
Length: 70cm
Head: 44.6cm(lol)

Comments:
In very bad hand writting...

Says dad (this could be something else but it ends in ad so im assuming its dad
Crawling
Pulls to stand
Walks around the furniture
Takes one step alone.
Claps hands.


10.3.88
389 days old(53 weeks) 1 Year check up
9.16kg or 20.3 pounds
Comments:
Walks!
Wants to feed herself


15.8.l988
547 days old(78 weeks) 18 months old
10.90kg 24 pounds
Length: 80.7cm
Comments:
Has had chicken pox.
Developmentally seeming very normal.

9.3.89
753 days old(107 weeks) 2 year check up
12.35kg or 27.4 pounds
Height 8.6cm( 1/2 adult height) Um no, they were off by 8 cm I feel hard done by.
Toilet trained <-- Woo go me.


So there you have it. It may be the only thing I have, it might have scribles from my mum, notes about my brother.
But its so precious to me.

I'm Alive

Barely..
Nah just joking.
Wow I haven't posted all week, at least I don't think I have.
Any tomorrow is FRIDAY so that's almost a week so whats been happening you ask?

Well

1- Dad

His stupid bitch ex keeps calling him and wanting to be friends, I told him they need time apart before he should even consider being her friend. He disagrees as only a man would (no offense) and is going over to see her and her family to "say goodbye" tomorrow night. I have been very supportive, making him dinner, talking to him when he needs it and offering practical advice.
However, he's older than me so its assumed he knows better and he may be right. I have told him that I will never been in the same room with that bitch, and I wont support any kind of relationship he has with her. He understands and respects this.

Being heartbroken and completely smitten has caused him too jump right back on the bandwagon. Although they were in the process of breaking up, my dad has been on a few "friendly dates" basically its him meeting new people because he only ever met "the evil bitch" and then was with her for almost 18 months.
He is sticking close to home and has been on two dates with one nice woman who also rides motor bikes, 1 date with a crazy chick with 5 sons who are all of age and live and home, and is going on a date with a woman who used to live in the same street as us at the same time at a previous address mind you. Weird.

Mentally.. he's doing okay.. He is spending A LOT of time online doing the internet dating thing, I've been there and done that so I can respect what he's doing and hey if it helps him. That's awesome.


2- ME

Well I've been okay I guess.. Pretty steady week with lots of work going on.
Between AF having a visit, me getting hemorrhoids, and doing something terrible to my neck that required far to many pain killers.

On Tuesday I went to the doctors and got a re-fill for my crazy pills for the next 6 months, I also got the quit smoking drug and started it yesterday.. My official quit day is next thursday, hopefully this time next week I will have one day smoke free.
Two days in, no side effects besides some tingling in the mouth which is odd, and a bit of nausea that is thankfully much easier to stomach than the lexapro side effects.

I didn't ask the doctor about the butt problem because AF was visiting and I thought it rude, I got some stuff and I am having no pain or itching so its all good and hopefully next time I go to the doctors if I am still in the same situation I will get her advice. Oh and I like my new doctor, she seems very sweet and not patronizing or anything which I appreciate. My other doctor is on maternity leave.

Work has been busy and pretty full on. I go hell for leather but don't seem to get much done. I think I am being too much of a perfectionist.

Plans for the weekend, I may get started on the painting of the back room that I didn't start a few months bak.
Tomorrow I might go to my brothers house and watch the football finals with them so I am not all by my lonesome when dad is out.

I need to make plans to catch up with some of my girlfriends.
Missing them lots.

I still read everyone's journal, I just don't comment as much coz I suck.
But just checking in and sending everyone some love
:)

xoxo

WWMD

What Would Mum Do?

I few months ago I stumbled onto a blog of a women in her mid 20's.
Her mother had recently had cancer, but got the all clear.
Within days of following her mothers blog, I read that her mother had again been diagnosed with cancer but it had spread and she was terminal.
With-in a few short months her mother died.
Reading her blog tonight, I felt my heart ache for her... for me and for every other child out there who is without a parent.
A parent knows what to do.
Or how to act.
Or that's what we think, we think they are invincible.

Tonight I sit her with a broken heart of a different kind, It's broken for my dad.
My poor drunk sorry Dad who at the moment doesn't give a shit about anything but getting revenge on his ex. My dad who is depressed, suicidal and actually slightly insane.
I hate when he throws out the comment "I'll be sure to update my insurance policies this week"
He has always said he would do this so I was the sole beneficiary of any money he is. I know its stupid and scary.
Part of me feels like he's joking, part of me feels like his serious.
The other part of me is just wondering.

What would mum do?

Would she slap him in the face and tell him to get over it?
Hug it out?

I just don't know..
I don't know what to do.
I know I am going to find myself worried as all hell all week.

I wish I could hit the fast forward button, so I could take him through this grieving process. So he wouldn't be so hurt or so angry.
But I know that I can't.

But its so fucking hard to be there for someone.
When it seems like they just don't care anymore.

Very BAD EGG

I always knew my dad's girlfriend was a bit of a bad egg.
I suspected due to selfish and unkind things I heard come out of her mouth.
I suspected due to the way she treated her daughter.. I never saw anything terrible.. but I just suspected.

I was correct.

This BITCH and I mean BITCH has been cheating on my dad with numerous men through out
the entire duration of the relationship.

I'm talking about a fair few guys.

For her to this comes as a bit of a shock to me.

With everything my dad has been through, a widower who survived an aggressive form of cancer with almost a year of treatment.

She is a piece of work.

Dad recently revealed he suspected she would drug her daughter in order to get a good nights sleep.

She committed welfare fraud.


She used my dad in a number of ways.
The relationship cost him his sanity, his self esteem and not to mention upwards of 20k he spent pouring his heart and soul into her.

I am devastated.

My dad is devastated.
He is looking for a way to get revenge, fuck I don't blame him.. I've been there but I just find that revenge wont really do anything except make him feel better in the interim but worse in the long run.

Wow..

Still shocked...

I'd totally kick that bitches ass if I wasn't so against violence.

I knew I was right never to get attached to her daughter like dad did.
Fuck what a terrible person.

Hell hath no fury

Like me right now.
I am PMSING to the enth degree and I threatened to kill someone..
Not seriously, but I told him I was in a mood and if he continued to annoy me I couldnt be held responsble for my actions.

This is insane.
I've never had PMS this bad before.
I know that its because I am on the pill but FUCK!
This is ridiulous.

When I am not being moody, im sulking and close to tears.
Its times like this I just wish I could up my lexapro dosage and everything would be fine.

Just so angry... I could have killed this woman in traffic today, she was "trying to merge" But just WOULDNT CHANGE LANES.
Forgive me, but isn't that the point of merging.
I held my hand on the horn for 5 minutes and then got stuck at the traffic lights anyway after been tail-gated by this 18 year old mole who couldn't drive.

See??
This is not me.
Even when im in one of my pyscho depressive states im not this angry.
Is relativly pain free and light periods worth this shit.

I don't know.

I want to crawl up in a hole and die coz I know I'm pissing people off and I don't want to do that.

I having been going to lunch a little earlier than the guys because I like to have QUITE for atleast 20 minutes while there not here.

Our receptionist.. who I consider a "work friend" is being SO annoying.
She is normally loud but she's taking it to the next level.
Always yelling out to other departments, and shes in the foyer so its really echo's.
I want to go out there and shake her
"YOU DONT NEED TO YELL"

The funny thing is she has to be deaf because I can hear every word she says but even in a very loud voice she can't hear me.
Normally I could talk to her about it, but she'll snap at me and I might flip out and give her a wedgey or something.

I would love for something to just go my way, but more than anything I'd just like her to shut up and act like a professional.
Yes I realise telling someone im gonna kill them isn't professional, but he's a taunter.. and I can't be taunted this week.

One of the lucky one's.

I am one of those lucky people, who rarely gets a headache.
BUT when I do its a killer.
Right now I can feel one coming on and I am sure its gonna be a bad one.

Fathers day turned out okay.
I did a bit of running around getting stuff for dinner and our new washing machine.
I actually picked up the wrong kind of washing powder, because we now have a front loader. Oh then I turned it to the wrong setting and it was far far to hot...
I had a white shirt (I know my bad) mixed in with a whole lot of colours and I managed to turn it a lovely shade of gray. Very smart indeed.

I am working my ass off today, trying to get a million little things done.. But not really getting anywhere.

Mondays make my brain hurt.

Happy Fathers Day

Dear Dad,

I can't believe this is your 27th fathers day.

Sometimes I find it hard to know what to say to you, you were just a kid when your first child was born, only 23 years old.. basically the same age as me.

I can't imagine being a parent at my age.. but you stepped up to the plate and provided for your family financially but more so emotionally.
You even let mum pop out two more kids before you were 30!

You always protected us, loved us and provided for us.
We have had many happy memories.
You fought for us, when you had nothing left to give.
You didn't want to leave us.

For everything you have gone through to still be here with us today.
I say thank you.
Thank you for learning and growing with us. It can't have been easy having not had a father after the age of 8.
But you did it.
You raised a family, you taught as well.
Although you may not always think of it, we are more than capable of standing on our own two feet and that's because of the guidance you gave us.

Through the good times, and the bad.
I love you and I hope so share many many more fathers day's with you.

Your daughter,

Obes.



Caragh, Dad, Matthew.. Circa 1987.