Hello Day Four

I hope you are better than day 3.
Because he was an asshole.
I sincerly doubt it though.
My teary-ness has started to kick in.
I really didn't believe that the champix could affect me this badly.
But it is.
I am exhausted all the time.
I am moody.
I am teary.
I am sad.
I am un motivated.

I am unfortunatly slipping back into a depression.

Because I am a realist, I am very surprised that I was not ready for this.
I read the warnings, checked the formus, the news articles.
But I didn't think that it would hit me like this.
NOT AT ALL.

I am determined to stick with it?
Why?

Because its short term.
If I can stay on the medication for the next 9 and a half weeks, I know my chances of kicking the smoking habit are so much stronger.
I've been able to talk myself out of asking someone for a smoke, buying a packet, or picking a butt off the street.. just kidding with that one.

I know that smoking will not make me feel better, its the joy from a cigarette that I am missing. The medication is taking that.
I am still shocked its taken ALL my joy though.


For now, I will do what I can.

Breath and reeboot.
Listen to happy songs.
Sleep when I feel like I need it.
Not beat myself up about something I can't control.

300th Post

I can't believe this is my 300th post.
It seems like only yesterday I was diving back into the world of blogging to save me from myself.
I was confused, upset, lost and feeling without hope.
But the kind people in the blogging community took me under their wings and have helped to nurse me back to strength.
The friendship, advice, empathy and compassion I have received from so many wonderful people will never be forgotten.
As I primarily follow IF and pregnancy blogs I am now finding that these are more and more turning into family blogs.
I pray each and everyday for all the wonderful women and parents who are hoping and doing everything in there power to become parents.
I pray that your time will come just as it has for many of the people I follow.

I can't put into words how far I have come.
6 months ago I barely had the strength to get out of bed, now.. most days I jump out of bed and into the world. I am proud of what I have achieved in such a small time and all of the people reading this have contributed to that in some way.

Right now I am putting a lot of energy into supporting a friend who is going through a very difficult time, I can't imagine ever having enough courage to attempt to be there for someone in that way, but I am doing it and I am proud that I can support and love people in my life and treat them they way they deserve to be treated.

Anyway, I am getting mushy.
Blahhhhh

xxx

Anger

I hate so much that my anger consumes me sometimes.
I guess its just part of my depression which doesn't really help.
With all the work piling up, and the stress building I feel like I am kinda close to breaking point. Those few days of did wonders for me, but slowly I feel the pressure building on myself again and there is really no way out.

There is nothing more I can do besides tell myself to suck it up princess and just move on. Focus on the tasks I have to do, and forget about everything else.
Its harder than it appears.

My hair is being an asshole again so I am going to treat myself to a lovely
Avacado Hair Mask

And PRAY for a good night sleep.

Stepping out of the darkness

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing."
--Agatha Christie


Its a typical Sunday for me, floating around the house. Watching TV online, listening to music but something inside me has shifted. That is what I wanted to share.

My dad was home this passed weekend, on Friday night we went to the football. It was nice to spend some time with him alone again, like the good old days. Even if we were standing in the freezing cold for 4 hours. Totally worth it.

Saturday brought new challenges, took myself out for breakfast and came back to dad asking me the question. "which do you want, backyard, shed, or laundry"
I called laundry, I perceived this to be the easiest room in the house to clean. Boy was I wrong.
When I got in there and started to clear off the shelves. I realized that the walls were dirty. I mean REALLY dirty. Old me, would have pretended like she didn't see the dirty walls. New me... not so much. As I dragged everything out of there, and started the long process of washing down the walls I felt calm. I couldn't believe how dirty it was. Wall cleanliness hasn't really taken top priority in my family for the last three years.. With everything that's happened.
15 buckets of water, three lots of mop water on the floor, I began to stack the items back on the shelves. Minus the junk.
I was proud, but seriously. What had I accomplished? A clean laundry
That's it. Nothing super, or splendid. Just a very clean laundry.

After 3 hours of cleaning I was a little tired. Yeah the lexapro still does make me tired. So I went to have a little nap. As I layed there falling asleep. I thought about what I'd just done. Normally when I climb into bed for a weekend nap.
I am tearful, sad, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Just not wanting to exist for a few hours.
But not yesterday. Nope.
I WAS TIRED.
That was it... It felt so freeing to know that for the first time in a long time.
Nothing was bothering me. I was completely calm and in control of my emotions.

To know that I am making my own decisions, because I WANT to make them. Not because I feel I HAVE to.
It was magical. This may sound like such an exaggeration. I feel better, I really really do. I feel SO in control. Like my depression doesn't have it over me anymore.
Last year this was the point where I threw away the meds without doctors advice.
We know where that got me.. back to square one.

So I will continue on the journey that I'm facing, not everyday will be easy.
But not everyday will be hard.
I am calm & in control of how I feel.

This feels amazing.

Part 2 Coming soon

After my cancer hell part one story last night. I felt very liberated.
I tossed and turned for a few moments then fell straight off to sleep.

I need to right more, about the weeks after my mums final diagnosis.
I also need to write about my dad a little more.
So cancer hell will come soon. I just need to be in the right frame of mind and do it justice.

I had a fair bit of work piled up for me at work.
Nothing HUGE. But all little things. They took me right up til 5pm to finish.

I am looking forward to this long weekend, and doing something constructive.
Like painting the spare room. I can only hope that my dad comes home on time tomorrow so I will have a few hours to get started before my friends hen's night.

I've decided im not going to buy something new to wear, just pick something old out of the wardrobe. Sex up my hair, make up and hope for the best.
I don't know where the night will take us!

After work I took myself out to dinner, I was going to see a movie but I decided not to. I wanted to come home and read my book.
Of course I got caught up on the interwebs, reading blogs and watching TV shows online I can't watch on TV.

But I'm going to finish before I head off to sleep tonight.

I'm glad my mind is clear for the first time in a few months.
I do feel normal, not like im riding a wave that's about to crash down into the bottom of the ocean.
I'm just floating, effortlessly..for the first time in a while.
I know that I deserve to be happy, but sometimes I still struggle with that concept.

The down side of AD's

So I was wandering around the house.
Wondering why I felt so spacey.
So dizzy.
So shitty, when I'd just had a million hours sleep and felt very relaxed.
Jumped into the shower, and while in there remembered im about 5 hours late for my Lexapro tablet.
Thats the downside... Forgetting that your NOT NORMAL
And going about your daily life.
Well I better go take it before I have a shit fit or a brain spaz or something.

Head outta the sand

So after my last angry rant.
I went back into my room, tried and failed miserably 15 times to get my computer to start.
I could have thrown it against the wall.
I didn't, instead I crawled under the blankets and insisted that I was going to fall asleep wake up and everything would be better.
My ear would be cleared, and my computer would be in amazing working order.
After about 3 minutes of closing my eyes, wishing and hoping that everything would get better.
I said to myself "suck it up princess"
Get your ass outta bed, off to the hospital and get your ear cleaned.
As for your computer, its just a piece of equipment.It CAN be fixed, your still covered by warranty at this time.
So off I went, I took the long route to the hospital following my tom tom.
When I got there I prayed that on this sunny Sunday afternoon I would find a car park.
I did.
I went into emergency and was seen by triage immediately.
I was told it may be a few hours wait. I didn't mind, seriously with limited cash and no computer what else could I do on a Sunday afternoon?
I was seen within 30 minutes, which is amazing because last time I waited about 3 hours after being seen by the triage nurse.
I may have told a little white lie about being in pain.
I was in pain, I had a pain in my ass from all this stuff that constantly happens. As for my ear typical blockage very close to the ear drum.
The doctor was sincere and lovely. Very careful but by the end I wanted out of there.
I had become very very dizzy and nauseated.
She let me sit for a moment and then I was off.
Made great time getting home, and here I am hoping for a miracle and for my beautiful little piece of shit lap top to be working.
It sadly isn't to be.
Maybe I'll be brave and call HP customer help today,or maybe I'll put my washing on and go down to the shops to get some ingredients for a nice cake for the boys tomorrow.
Who knows, what I do know is..
I talked to myself, I put reason into my insane mind and got myself out of bed.
That's something I haven't done in a long time.
The logical part of my brain hasn't been very well for a while.
So I'm immensely proud of myself right now.

If the hospital was giving out lollipop's I would have totally deserved one.

This is just how I feel

“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.”

Booooo

Almost the weekend.
Counting down.
Today we had breakfast at our facilities at work.
It was nice.. mmm bacon & eggs.
So right.. but so so so wrong.

He is giving me the shits.
That man, is giving me the absoulte shits.
I KNOW he cares about me, but to what extent.
I got an email this morning, and he pointed out something he said on the phone yesterday.
He dropped the L bomb.
Nope wasn't the first time it happened, but it was the most sincere it had ever sounded. It kinda slipped out..
You know that does happen.. Like when you say it for the first time to someone, It kinda just falls out of your mouth.
Word vomit.
That's what it sounds like.
OMG stop anaylsing it Caragh, it means NOTHING.

My jaw is killing me, who would have thought that metal and bone togerther would ache so much.
It certainly is aching.

I was speaking with me IF friend last night.
He hasn't ever gone into detail about his 7 IVF cycles... apart from the loss of his twins.
But last night he did..
I asked why they needed to use IVF, was it Male factor? Female? Both? Unexplained?
Well for them, it was unfortunatly both.
My friend has a low sperm count and low mobility? I think thats right.
Well thats what he said.
His wife even with fertility meds, was only able to produce a small number of eggs.
The most they ever got was 5 eggs.
There son was concieved on a cycle with only 3 eggs.
I suspect he was the perfect little embryo coz he is such a great kid.
The cause of his wifes infertility was most likely due to abuse she suffered as a child.
This makes me angry, not just because she was abused.. but because even after the abuse stopped it still haunted her.
She had a hysterecomy at age 30. After the 7 IVF's and $85,000 + worth of treatment.
One amazing child. She had to have a hystercomy.
I am scared that my own abuse may affect my ability to concieve..
I'm scared for all the women I know who have been sexually abused.
I'm sad for all the BFN's, miscariages and chemical pregnancies I have seen in the last few months when I've been around the blogging circle.
I am eleated to see BFP's and progress. Happiness and Joy streaming from the words of the couples that suffer so much through this.
The truth is, even though my friend got his miracle baby.. I am still sad for him and everything they had to go through.
I feel so much for everyone who is taking this unfair ride and struggling with IF.
And I know I can't understand, coz i'm not there.
But sometimes, seeing all these amazing people suffer.. I wish I could for a day, or a week, or a year.. Take their place. So the strain would be less.
I wish I could.

But I can't.

- Caragh

Back to regular scheduleing

After my little break yesterday, I thought I'd flick back to my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings.
But really, I don't have any.
My KILLER pms I'd been having for 2 weeks has worn off.
So I'm feeling alot better.
I think that its got something to do with the fact that my boss (who's a lazy asshat) is going to be oversea's for the next 10 days. My co-worker and BFF brother figure Mat and I get free rain to do our work without seeing him sit there on his ass and do nothing.. And whatever ever he does do, well lets just say its not done well.
I did however have a very very difficult time getting to sleep last night, considering all the sleep all weekend being exhausted. It took me more than 3 hours to get to sleep.. That's a long time even for me.

I'm staying with the lexapro.
My anger has really died down, that was something I was strugling with.
I'm NOT a violent person, but I was raising my voice and storming off alot.. thats not really the best impression while working.


I haven't seen my dad in more than a week.
His girlfriend is so NEEDY.
Seriously, yesterday he goes to me.

"Man, this relationship thing is hard"
Really? No kidding.. coz last time i checked.. I was the child and you were the adult and your meant to be giving out the advice???

Men.

I had my monthly microderm, love it.. seriously I'm so addicted.
I also love the girl who does my eye brows, she does such an amazing job.
She also gave me a tip to reduce some pimples that I have, so im gonna test it and see how it goes.

Well I haven't really got much else to say.
I hope everyone had a great weekend.

I'm off too watch some bad tive.

Is someone getting the best of you?

No one's getting the best of me.
But this depression is.
I feel better, I really do.. I think all the hormones from AF was pulling me down in the last few weeks.
But I'm exhausted... and thats getting the best of me.

On Thursday night, I got around 6 and a half hours sleep.
Thats not bad, previously that would have been MORE than enough to carry me through.
But no..
I fell asleep at 7:30pm, woke up at 3:30am.
= 8 hours
Went back to sleep from 6:30am until 11:30am
= 5 hours
I didn't do a whole heap on Saturday.. I watched some movies.. Didn't burn a whole heap of energy.
Saturday night I went to bed at about 2:30am
I woke up at 9:30am
= 7 hours

By 3:30pm today I was exhausted again, I slept from 3:30 too 7:30pm
= 4 hours

Thats a total of 24 Hours Sleep in just over 48 hours.
I'm not really sad.. but this is killing me.
As much as I love sleep, is totally making me feel useless.
My gut is telling me, maybe I need to change medications.
But this one.. as hard as it is.. its working.
I don't know if I really want to risk something that might have worse side affects, or might make me worse.

Maybe I'd be able to make a decison.
If I can just stay awake.

I'll have what he's having

So that 'friend' of mine.. ya know that giant pain in the arse that I accidentally fell for
He's got pneumonia just like my other good friend did.
I tell them all the time they really need to stop making out so much, viral pneumonia is bad!
Last week when I was OH so down, I sent him a few emails.. yeh I know.. My bad... And he's ignored them all..
Maybe because he's sick, maybe because he can't handle me.. or maybe coz he just doesnt care.

I was on the phone to my good mate just before and he mentioned him.
I kinda just said I was over it all, which I am.
I then finished the phone call and went to finish my dinner.
I sliced my finger using a sign..
That my friends was I sign..
My finger also wouldn't stop bleeding.
Always fun.. lol

Today was good though, I am pretty sure my actual period.. no not the one thats already been around for 6 days on and off... will be arriving soon.
I am pretty much very overly sensitive at the moment.
And I am starving all the time,but im trying to eat more fruit lately.
So I'm snacking on that.

Other than that, nothing much is going on.
Trying to take each day as it comes, and look towards the future I can create for myself.
Happiness is around the corner, if I just believe it can be.

Extrordinary..

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”


I need to read the words of this quote over and over again.
I need to remember that I am the one who controls my own destiny.
YES there are things that are behond my control.
But how I act, think and feel are things that are still within my control.
I've been consumed, consumed with my sad thoughts, endless sleep-less nights and teary momemnts.
I need not to be.
This is not as easy as it sounds.
Last night I was speaking with my friend, we were talking about my depression, how my medication has been going.. My recent phobia's of social situations and how I spend the majority of life alone these days. (Outside of work)

As his son was getting into the car, he goes "hey i'll put you onto S you can talk with him"
I freaked, I was like shit no I can't talk to someone I don't know.
His son is a darling little 13 year old who sings & dances & acts both professionally and for fun. He's a hugely inspirational little character, very funny and smart. He is there miracle IVF baby, the only live child that they have.

But I freaked out, I've always wanted to say to this young boy that I admire him, I admire how he breaks the mold he doesnt play football.. he does ballet! And he really doesn't give a damn what people think!

I think that its amazing.

But I freaked out, later on I realised how stupid this was..

I need to take control of my life again, I don't exactly have a plan but I know this has to be done.

What a difference a day can make..

7/10..
Thats today.. Its still pretty damn early as well.
Still have a football match to go later on this afternoon.
Wow.. do you want to know what made me happy today?
After my shower, I was drying my hair.. I then flipped it into a rough pony tail while I did my make up.. When the pony tail came out.. my hair was parted perfectly..
Slightly the right.
My hair is hard to deal with, its dead straigh and usally my part falls straight down the middle.. not the best look but I deal with it.
It fell perfectly. Amazing.

Then I decided that I deserved a pedicure..
Lovely. My feet are now silky and smooth and my toenails are painted a bright purple.

So thats it, I don't need fancy things, diamond rings... anything at all really.
Just one little win and I'm happy.

Things arent that bad.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I've been so down lately.
I don't know whats wrong with me Yes I do, I have depression
I feel like I should be happy..
My life.. isn't that bad..
By not bad I mean, no ones dying or has cancer.. I'm not fighting with anyone, I dont have the prospect of being homeless anytime soon, work is going well.
I'm just not me, not myself..
I just think my boody is out of whack, and thats causing me to be more mental.

On a good note;
* I have been learning to use photoshop at work, I love it... Its something creative I can get into.
* I brought some new PJ's today, a couple of pairs.. I'm sure they will keep me warm and comfy during winter.
* I am going to the footy alot, I love the footy.
* Today is pay day, YAY.. I am finally getting control of my finances that is always good.
* I am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life, who inspire me.. my friends and family and all the beautiful people in the blogging world.
Thank you all.

- Caragh

My inproductive and emotionally exhausting week

I dont know why its been that way.
Why I feel this way?
Why I feel hopeless?
Restless?
Tired?
Sore?

Why I hate myself for complaining..
That i'm not 100 % yet...
Its been almost 6 weeks on my meds.. most of the time.. im okay..
But I still have those moments of utter hopeless-ness.

I know there is no answer.
No time frame for when all of this will get better.

I feel like I have nothing to live for.
I hate this empty-ness.

I just want to feel, full.

Beating the odds

As most of you reading this will know my mother died almost 2 and a half years ago of breast cancer.
6 Months after my mum died, my dad was diagnosed with a large and aggressive tumor of the esophagus.

He had 3 months of solid chemo.
The tumor shrunk and he had a 9 hour surgery to remove the tumor, and then for his esophagus to be reconstructed with part of his stomach.
Follow up was another 4 months of chemo.

When my dad was first diagnosed, I did my research.
The statistics where not good.
Only 20-30 % of these cancers ever become operable.
Dad tumour was large im talking base ball sized tumor to the point where he lost 8 kilos in one week from throwing up so much..
We assumed it was depression.

His treatment was not easy, it was long and painful.
He developed blood clots.
A bad infection in his pick like (This is an IV that goes threw the arm and directly above the muscles near the heart in order to get the chemo in quicker)
He had chemo pretty much non stop for 7 months as it was always on him.
My dad did not have high hopes, at first the doctors wouldnt even give him odds.
The odds he gave were not good.
For anyone who's had a loved one pass, the look on someones face when a doctor tells you someone may die, is not a good one.
I've seen that face too many times.


Today marked almost 2 years since dad diagnosis, reading through my old journals I found it hard to process everything that was going on.
At the same time I was having a very messy and LONGGGGGGGG break up.
I also had my jaw surgery.
But most of all, I was so scared of losing my dad.
He may be at times a giant pain in the ass, but he is a GOOD man, a HARD WORKING man, who didn't deserve any of the things thrown at him.

I know there's no positive side to cancer, but my dad was morbidly obeses.
He lost around 35-40 Kgs (90lbs) because of the cancer.
This in itself has changed his life.

My dad is currently in remission.
Only 2 years in, he has survived more than 75 % of people diagnosed with this cancer.
As time moves forward, his odd's get better.
I am realistic, but optimistic that my dad will live to be a silly old man. (He's only 50)
I love him more than words can say, and I'm so glad he's still beside me as I walk through life.
Coz I couldn't imagine it without him.

Congrats to you dad, for being the odds.

Meaningful Post... not really

Yup this is post number 100.
I can't believe I'm here sooooo soon.
But I guess I do talk alot... that will never change.

Just to say.
I really want to thank everyone for there sweet thoughts and comments.
It makes such a difference in my bloggy life, knowing that people care enough to read my story.
Especially when all the amazing women and a few men, have there own stories, heartache and moments to share.

My last post was about my dad, and how I was dealing with his girlfriend.
He came to the footy with me, it was nice very nice to spend some 1 on 1 time with him.
Although he left a little early, he loved watching the game again.. which is something he'd forgotten all about.

He was meant to come home last night, but his girlfriend posioned her cat.
Yes you read that right, she posioned it.
It was an accident.
Well thats her story.
She gave it the dog tick treatment, instead of the cat treatment and the cat was very sick and put into intensive car.
So my dad wont be home for a few days.
Yup.
I know, its weird right.. Its not just me.
The one day my dads meant to come home, and the cat almost dies.
Apparently its not the first one she's hurt.

Other than bitching about my dad and his cat-hurting girlfriend.
Mothers day is hittting me hard this year, its everywhere.

Work is driving me nuts, its crazy busy. But good I guess.
I had my third microderm today, and I'm addicted my skin feels amazing.
"He" is still giving me a bit of grief, but im dealing.

Well I better run, I've got blogs to read!

XX

The take down

Dear Lexapro,

We've been friends again for almost almost a full month now.
I wasn't hesistant to jump on the band wagon again, who am I too judge you.
I feel last time I wrote you off to quickly, so I thought i'd give you another chance.
I've been good, taking you as directed and always ontime.
You weren't kind at first, the dry mouth and nausea was a pain in the butt but I figured if I was going to feel better than it would be worth it.
Right?
Wrong.

The constant yawning, and daily battles between exhaustion, and insomnia are really annoying.
But again I thought I would give you the benefit of the doubt yet again.
I don't particulary like being dizzy everytime I go to get up, but thats okay. I can handle the occasional head spin, or headache.
But really, now the pins and needles in the back of my head? Everyone knows thats an annoying problem. Did you really have to be so mean.

While laying in bed this past week, trying to battle myself to sleep. Counting sheep is not working by the way.
I noticed that I was becoming incredibly itchy all over.
Mostly on my legs, and my arms.
Do I have flee's?
A skin allergy?
Have I eating something bad?

Nope thats just you, reminding me that while the chemicals your sending through my system are making there way to my brain and generally making me more happy.
There also giving me head spins, and making me itch like crazy.
Infact while im sitting here now typing this I am resisting the urge to go nuts on head.Its not lice, its you.
Asshole.

I've given you a chance, and I will keep giving you a chance. Until you prove unbearable. But really, if you could.. Lift your game just a little and cut me a break.
I know I'm doing right by you.. but please, try and be a little more friendly.

Sincerly yours,

Caragh


PS: Thanks for not making me gain any weight this past month, I do appreicate that because I know i've been stuffing my face and its gotta stop.
But again... Appreicating your effort on that one.

Blah

I hate complaining, but I need to bitch.

Work has been a total *BEEEEEEP* this week.
Flat out and run off my feet. NO idea where this week went.
Why is this happening, tomorrow will be MAY.
We will be in month 5 of the year, I turned 22 almost three months ago.
Its going to be 2 years since my dad's cancer diagnosis, tracking towards 3 years since mum died. My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

I'm still a tad angry lately, my outbursts are smaller.. But I definatly am still feeling some hostility towards people.. but its not undeserved hositlity..
In other words, im not being a *bEEEPPPPP* to anyone who hasn't been treating me like crap, or doing something that is considered stupid by many.

I am exhausted, and I know it might be work.
But I also know, its the lexapro.
Atleast one night a week, I need to be asleep before 9.
The annoying part is, im having a few freaky bad dreams which are waking me up between 2-4 am.. and I go back to sleep after I tinkle or whatever.
But those next few hours of sleep don't mean anything.
They don't count.


Right now, i'm laying in bed and I want so badly to get up and have a shower.
But I don't have the energy, I feel like I'd end up curled over and asleep in a ball.
I can focus during the day because I drink large amounts of coffee.. but thats it.

Ah.. I hate bitching....
Especially when I have nothing that is worth bitching about.
I feel guilty writting about my shity, insignificant life when there are others, people who I subscribe to, people reading this blog who have things so much worse than I do.
And I am thinking of everyone else, I am.
But I'm just annoyed that I can't be NORMAL.
I can't just be happy, and have energry.
I have to be medicated but exhausted to function.