Stepping out of the darkness

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing."
--Agatha Christie


Its a typical Sunday for me, floating around the house. Watching TV online, listening to music but something inside me has shifted. That is what I wanted to share.

My dad was home this passed weekend, on Friday night we went to the football. It was nice to spend some time with him alone again, like the good old days. Even if we were standing in the freezing cold for 4 hours. Totally worth it.

Saturday brought new challenges, took myself out for breakfast and came back to dad asking me the question. "which do you want, backyard, shed, or laundry"
I called laundry, I perceived this to be the easiest room in the house to clean. Boy was I wrong.
When I got in there and started to clear off the shelves. I realized that the walls were dirty. I mean REALLY dirty. Old me, would have pretended like she didn't see the dirty walls. New me... not so much. As I dragged everything out of there, and started the long process of washing down the walls I felt calm. I couldn't believe how dirty it was. Wall cleanliness hasn't really taken top priority in my family for the last three years.. With everything that's happened.
15 buckets of water, three lots of mop water on the floor, I began to stack the items back on the shelves. Minus the junk.
I was proud, but seriously. What had I accomplished? A clean laundry
That's it. Nothing super, or splendid. Just a very clean laundry.

After 3 hours of cleaning I was a little tired. Yeah the lexapro still does make me tired. So I went to have a little nap. As I layed there falling asleep. I thought about what I'd just done. Normally when I climb into bed for a weekend nap.
I am tearful, sad, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Just not wanting to exist for a few hours.
But not yesterday. Nope.
I WAS TIRED.
That was it... It felt so freeing to know that for the first time in a long time.
Nothing was bothering me. I was completely calm and in control of my emotions.

To know that I am making my own decisions, because I WANT to make them. Not because I feel I HAVE to.
It was magical. This may sound like such an exaggeration. I feel better, I really really do. I feel SO in control. Like my depression doesn't have it over me anymore.
Last year this was the point where I threw away the meds without doctors advice.
We know where that got me.. back to square one.

So I will continue on the journey that I'm facing, not everyday will be easy.
But not everyday will be hard.
I am calm & in control of how I feel.

This feels amazing.