Gyno Report

So I got to the hospital just before two, I was sitting around the corner reading a new book I had just purchased- My sisters keeper.
I know I know.. I'm on the bandwagon a little late but I saw the movie preview and I thought dang I HAVE to read the book before the movie comes out and I wreck it.
When I got to the car park it said "CAR PARK FULL" FUCK.
Knowing full well my appointment would be running late, but feeling lazy.. I thought I'd wing it. 3 levels up I saw an awesomely nice lady who told me she was leaving.

Made my way up, registered.. checked my details and took a seat.
And I waited, and waited.. oh and then I waited some more.
Usually I'd get impatient but I had a book and it was a free public hospital clinic so I expected it.
I saw all types of doctors, come in and out.
I found myself PRAYING that I would get a female, I couldn't imagine having to explain my symptoms to a man.. let alone my somewhat lesbianism.
It was even hard with the doctor I got.
I don't know how anyone deals with a male gyno!

The waiting room cleared out and the person before me had just been called, a lovely lady came out and she was staring hard at the chart. A HA that's me.. She can't say my name. She calls it out wrong, and I go round too the door where she tells me.
Its obvious shes in demand because it takes her 2 minutes to get round to open the door for me because shes getting asked questions. Then 2 minutes in someone knocks on the door.
HA HA I got the good doctor woo hoo.
So basically I explain my symptoms.. she says that my GP probably jumped to conclusions with endo. Possible explanation could have been a harmless cyst that happened to burst a few days after my initial period. I also remember telling my GP of extended Pelvic pain I had been having before them. It lasted a few days, was very low lying and uncomfortable. Hmm She also said to me "I hope you didn't Google endo" and Nope i didn't thanks too the kind words and advice of many of my blogger friends.

In the course of my medical history, awarkward moment...
"Have you been sexually acititive"
My first response was no.. she looked at me funny.. I mean ahhh yes..
Shes like "ya know intercourse" Well yes, I responded.
I've had sex, but mostly with women.
Again.. awkward to explain.

Randomly I mentioned that I had one kidney that came up 5cm's shorter than the other.
She told me that the development of kidneys and uterus, ovaries ect could be related.
So its possible I have a funny shaped uterus and that could be the reason for the pain also.

So basically I am booked for a gyno and pelvic ultrasound in about a month?
Then I go back in 2 months to see her.

I know it doesn't seem like any great sort of action, but she also wants to see if i adjust to the pill ect.
So yes.
All in all very good news
HOORAY.

I came home and jumped straight on the phone to HP about my laptop.
I tried to run a few tests but they wouldn't work.
Right now I have it running some diagnostic tests and then im gonna call them back.

This weekend is a long one for us in Australia.
Friday night my dad is hopefully coming home and we are going to purchase some paint for me to paint the spare room.
We are planning on doing a room rotation to get all the rooms painted and fixed up.
I want to help him maintain the house so he'll hopefully keep it as an asset and not boot my out. Oh and coz I love him.

So Saturday I plan to paint, I also may have to go shopping BOOOOO I hate shopping.
For something to wear to my friends Hen's night which is that night.
I'd rather stay home and watch the footy.
I'm so NOT a girly girl... If I do end up purchasing a new dress. I sure as hell hope that I can still wear flats.

So Sunday will be recovery/more painting.

Wow I can't believe tomorrow is Friday, I will have a crap load to do...
But it will all be worth it so I make it through quickly to the weekend.

As for 'him' I know hes down lately. So down.. that he doesn't really like to talk on the phone.. which is unlike him coz he talks A LOT. He's a salesman, he's paid too.Yesterday I was sending a fax (yes old school huh) to a customer..
I saw his name on the fax.
I picked up a piece of paper, scribbled down a note that only he & I would understand and sent it off.
An email from him this morning said that i had the best timing, coz he'd been stuck in traffic and had a crappy day.
Small gestures like that I think make the difference.
Its something he's done for me on many occasions.
I'm happy with where everything is at, I see things in a positive light now.
He may be a loser, but he's my loser. I don't think I could ever get rid of him.. I know I've tried.. And that's probably because the stupid part of my.. doesn't want to.

Well im off to call HP back.
Hope everyone had a great day

XX

Booooo

Almost the weekend.
Counting down.
Today we had breakfast at our facilities at work.
It was nice.. mmm bacon & eggs.
So right.. but so so so wrong.

He is giving me the shits.
That man, is giving me the absoulte shits.
I KNOW he cares about me, but to what extent.
I got an email this morning, and he pointed out something he said on the phone yesterday.
He dropped the L bomb.
Nope wasn't the first time it happened, but it was the most sincere it had ever sounded. It kinda slipped out..
You know that does happen.. Like when you say it for the first time to someone, It kinda just falls out of your mouth.
Word vomit.
That's what it sounds like.
OMG stop anaylsing it Caragh, it means NOTHING.

My jaw is killing me, who would have thought that metal and bone togerther would ache so much.
It certainly is aching.

I was speaking with me IF friend last night.
He hasn't ever gone into detail about his 7 IVF cycles... apart from the loss of his twins.
But last night he did..
I asked why they needed to use IVF, was it Male factor? Female? Both? Unexplained?
Well for them, it was unfortunatly both.
My friend has a low sperm count and low mobility? I think thats right.
Well thats what he said.
His wife even with fertility meds, was only able to produce a small number of eggs.
The most they ever got was 5 eggs.
There son was concieved on a cycle with only 3 eggs.
I suspect he was the perfect little embryo coz he is such a great kid.
The cause of his wifes infertility was most likely due to abuse she suffered as a child.
This makes me angry, not just because she was abused.. but because even after the abuse stopped it still haunted her.
She had a hysterecomy at age 30. After the 7 IVF's and $85,000 + worth of treatment.
One amazing child. She had to have a hystercomy.
I am scared that my own abuse may affect my ability to concieve..
I'm scared for all the women I know who have been sexually abused.
I'm sad for all the BFN's, miscariages and chemical pregnancies I have seen in the last few months when I've been around the blogging circle.
I am eleated to see BFP's and progress. Happiness and Joy streaming from the words of the couples that suffer so much through this.
The truth is, even though my friend got his miracle baby.. I am still sad for him and everything they had to go through.
I feel so much for everyone who is taking this unfair ride and struggling with IF.
And I know I can't understand, coz i'm not there.
But sometimes, seeing all these amazing people suffer.. I wish I could for a day, or a week, or a year.. Take their place. So the strain would be less.
I wish I could.

But I can't.

- Caragh

I'll have what he's having

So that 'friend' of mine.. ya know that giant pain in the arse that I accidentally fell for
He's got pneumonia just like my other good friend did.
I tell them all the time they really need to stop making out so much, viral pneumonia is bad!
Last week when I was OH so down, I sent him a few emails.. yeh I know.. My bad... And he's ignored them all..
Maybe because he's sick, maybe because he can't handle me.. or maybe coz he just doesnt care.

I was on the phone to my good mate just before and he mentioned him.
I kinda just said I was over it all, which I am.
I then finished the phone call and went to finish my dinner.
I sliced my finger using a sign..
That my friends was I sign..
My finger also wouldn't stop bleeding.
Always fun.. lol

Today was good though, I am pretty sure my actual period.. no not the one thats already been around for 6 days on and off... will be arriving soon.
I am pretty much very overly sensitive at the moment.
And I am starving all the time,but im trying to eat more fruit lately.
So I'm snacking on that.

Other than that, nothing much is going on.
Trying to take each day as it comes, and look towards the future I can create for myself.
Happiness is around the corner, if I just believe it can be.

Wants to get her sleep on

Oh I wish I wish I wish.
But I'm just not near sleep yet.
I had a big day, got up early.. worked well all day.......
I went to the football after work, I talked, I walked, I ate...

I am going to stop sweating some of the stuff thats bothering me.
I don't have the power to change situations, so I'm not going to start wishing that it will magically fall upon me.
I cannot control the way others behave, can't make them tell me the truth..

I wonder if its wrong to love someone, for all the good things they bring into my life.
But possibly to almost hate them, for being the barer of shitty things as well?

I think thats where I am.. A little bit stuck.
But I'm realising more and more..
I've gotta let it go..
I can enjoy the good things... and not focus so much on the negatives.
For some people.. even me at one time.. I thought they we're deal breakers.

But not anymore.

All rules are out the window.
I know exactly where I stand, what my position is... and how I'm gonna move on from here.

My strange taste in Music...

I've always had a strange taste in Music.
I like songs that date back as early as the 40's/50's Yes I know that sounds weird.
One of my FAVOURITE songs is
"The birds and the bee's"

Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees
and the flowers and the trees,
the moon up above, and the thing
called love.

I remember hearing this song about 8 or 9 years ago and I knew the lyrics and it was driving me nuts because I literally could NOT remember hearing it.. or knowing the song.
I asked my mum and she laughed & then smiled.
"I used to play that song all the time, when you were about 1 you would pull yourself up in your cot and shake your little butt along to the beat"

Recently I've also been LOVING

The Cure- Pictures of you

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel


The song obviously touches a nerve in me.. and would in many.
But its a beautiful song.


And last but sadly least :( Cos this is LAME.
I heard this song on the way home.

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

Yes thats Miley Cyrus, and yes I'm kind of ashmed.
But she has some good people writting songs for her, god damn if it wasn't for the lyrics i'd hate the song.


Today didn't turn out so badly after all.
I got alot of things done..
I was stressing about this promotion I had put togerther, about it being rejected by my boss after I had put so much energy into the concept and putting the work togerther.
I was scared he would just say.. "No"
He's a bit like that, hard to pick. He either loves something or he hates it.

But he loved it, and he was really impressed with my effort and also the effort of "that man"
So yeh, we make a good team.

After work I got my fortnightly eye brow wax.
I love the place I go to, the girls are SO nice and they actually take the time and are very carefull not to take to much or do what you don't want.
Its a little more expensive than most places, but SO worth it.
I also got a spur of the moment eye lash tint..
I don't like mascara.. I always pick it off.
And because I'm now using mineral makeup, it means there is just less stuff to do in the morning.

After THAT.. i know my day sounds long huh.
I took myself out to dinner.
It took them a minute to work out that
NO THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE COMING TO ORDER ON MY TABLE.
OMG I WAS A SINGLE GENERATION Y FEMALE HAVING DINNER BY HERSELF!
Then I happened to put 5 dollars into a poker machine (slot machine)
And I won $150
All in all a good day.


I haven't seen my dad in a week or more.. I miss him.
His girlfriend is going through some stuff, so he's trying to be there for her as much as he can.
He also got tickets to the football for us, and said we will go out for lunch on Sunday.
I haven't been to a game with him in months, so that would be great.

I have a very cute Fur baby molly, who is just about to go on heat.
So she's very clingy at the moment so we are cuddling.
I'm giving her some space from my other dog Max, who is after her at the moment.
Poor little hormonal thing.

Well anyone who read this deserves a medal.
I'm going to read/comment on some blogs.
Have a shower.
Do some washing.
& then go to bed.


Hope everyone is having a good start to the week

When did life become so exhausting

BLAHhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I fail to see how sitting on my big fat ass infront of a computer all day can exhaust me so much.
Get up,take meds shower,do make up, get dressed, brush teeth and hair. Find shoes, pack lunch, get in the car, stop for a coffee, have a ciagrette, get annoyed at the traffic, get to work, start working, get distracted, back on track, get hungry, have a coffee, another cigarette, some more distriaction, have something to eat, start working..
And the list goes on and on.
HOW BORING>>> I swear 95% of those things, were done sitting down and yet im laying here in bed at 7:18PM and I could fall asleep.
But I can't, coz i'll wake up early.
And I can't coz I really want to watch this show.


I cant even faithom having to do anymore than I already do.
AND I DONT DO MUCH.

Although I did make dinner tonight, but it only took me an hour.
I generally had a really happy and good day today though.
I talked to "him" and things are just normal again.
NORMAL FFS.
Its a god damn miracle that this thick head actually got it,that I just wanted him to now treat me like one of the guys. He's calling me "man" which only a few months ago would have ANNOYED ME. But now hearing it makes me happy.
what didn't make me happy was him discussing the woman who is one of our customers, whom im almost 99.9999 % sure he had an affair with but hey i'll live.. it stabbed at me a little though but I moved on quickly


I know the tiredness is probbably a symptom of the meds,because normally on monday nights I can go and go and go.. but nope not anymore.
Anyway i'll post something more constructive when I stop being a complaining little bitch.


Caragh

It's Strange

It's amazing me how much different I'm feeling.
How much better im coping.
How much happier i've been.
But yet, I still feel so much like me.
I wake up every morning and without resistance, I get up and take my pills out of there container. I walk to the kitchen saying good morning to whoever is awake and take them.
Theres no resistance. I remember struggling last time, struggling to remember.. struggling to want to take them and feeling so zoned out.
I guess thats the bit I have to take from this, is that I never hit rock bottom.
I was struggling, don't get me wrong.
Depression and medication for depression is not something I would ever take lightly.
But I think thats the main thing that helped, I reconized within myself that I had a problem.. And that it just NEEDED to be fixed.
Before everything spun out of control.
I guess from that i'm getting i am feeling a lot more self worth.
Which is probably helping also.

I dunno, I spoke to my friend who was ill and I haven't spoken with him in more than 2 weeks. (We speak almost everyday) and he said how much more confident I sound. How much better with-in myself.
I've had the temptations alot of time this week to reach out to that person in a personal context. But I've been able to fight it. Except for that slight drunk email I sent, which he gladly ignored replying to.. But has lifted his game and kept it professional but still friendly.
I just feel like the outcome SO FAR is good, and it can only get better from here.

I'm getting better

At dealing with all the little things that get to me.
I am stronger, than I was only a few weeks ago.
I can't believe that I've come this far so quickly.
I'm getting better.
And I'm so happy.

Drugs are good mmmkay

Okay not ALL drugs are good.
But the one I am on is doing me a treat.
I can't explain how releaved I am that the lexapro has worked.
I am feeling 12093120938891092381 % better than I was just a few short weeks ago.
My negative self talk is down 123847128371827398 % as well.
I am even feeling a hell of a lot better than I was just LAST weekend.

Sometimes I feel like I am weak... Yes this specifically ONLY applies to me.
For taking medication. I could have gone straight back into therapy.
I KNOW that helped last time, but at the moment its just not practical.
I think it would do more harm than good, because I was in such a good place when I left.. and one of the main reasons I was.. was because of a certain person who is now one of the main reasons I'm now depressed again.

Love will do that to you. I hate saying that, I hate knowing that I love him.
Even though its stupid and wrong and it makes me feel pathetic and insecure.
But at the end of the day, I know the look in my eyes when I hear his voice, I know the way he can make me stomach jump and my heart flutter.
I know that given the chance, I will go into an insane rant about how fucked up this all is, and how much I wish he'd just go away and I will talk literally until I run out of breath..
Like I did last night when in the friend with my car.
And I know always given the chance, I will play the voice message that he left me the other night..
And any normal female.. even if she thinks he's a jack ass will go
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW X's a million.
Because he honestly does sound SO sweet and sincere in that message.
Even if he's always not.

I think the only thing that gives me hope about this situation is that I KNOW that it will end eventually. I know that everything I feel for him will fade away.. and he'll still be in my heart but he'll be buried beneath a few of the scars that run through it. In a few months when I actually have to look him in the eyes, in the presence of all the people we work with and pretend like NONE of this ever happened.
I am hoping & praying that I will just get through this..
And that the many lessons that I've learned from this situation will carry me through many more of the heart ache I am yet to go through in my time on this earth.

I have hope, and I have the courage to face everyday.
Right now, that..
Well that and this lexapro are all the I need

Natural high.. sorta

So I'm pretty much as high as a kite right now.
I haven't felt this giggly for a few months so its kinda nice.
I'm assuming, really assuming that the lexapro has kicked in.

Apart from my little melt down today about people not having manners.
(Btw, he called and said thank you)

I laughed alot today at work, which I felt guilty about actually.
I will share the crappy news first.

One of the guys I work with, he is an an athlete, he rides bikes and does marathons.
He is a really sweet guy, very kind and a family man.
I don't know 100 % of the details, but yesterday he was riding and he came off his bike. He hit his head quite badly and had bleeding on the brain. They did emergency surgery, to releave the pressure. He also smashed his shoulder quite badly. At the moment he is doing okay, he is still in intensive care but is awake and alert.
So please if you have some spare prays send them his way, as I will be.

Also my friend Bryan who i've mentioned before, he lives in another state but we are really good friends. Well he was admitted to hospital yesterday with double pnemnoia. He was not responding to treatment orally, so he will now be in there for atleast a few days on a very heavy dose of antibiotics and fluids. I was very worried about him, but he txted me last night and also today saying that he was feeling a bit better.. Finally.
So also some prayers for Bryan.


Today at work, I laughed alot.. again guilty with all the things that have been happening.
We have merchandise at work, basically which has our company logos on it, ect to promote the company(I work in marketing) anyway we were discussing different promotions that we could run with these new jackets that we got in.

They are very swanky jackets, water proof and fleecy on the inside with all the brands on them. They actually cost alot of money for something we are going to give away.
Anyway, my friend at work Mat decided to try the jacket on. For some reason, he did the jacket all the way up pretty much too his nose.. but it got stuck! So he was standing there for 10 minutes but he couldnt really get the zip.. and we were all trying to help him but it was hilarious to watch this guy shimmy his way out of a jacket. I was in stitches..
I dont know why it was so funny, it just was.. Usally hes so composed and wouldnt do soemthing so silly.. but yeah it was good to have a laugh..


I was also just talking to a friend of mine, she got back from dubai today after visiting her boyfrind who is over there on work. We are going out for her sisters birthday to a theatre restaurant. I am so excitied haven't been out in a while and I am SO feeling it this weekend it was gonna be great.


We were discussing another friend who is getting married in a few months. It's kinda bitter sweet, our friend is still pretty young. (22) she got pregant by accident on purpose at the end of 2007 and had a healthy baby boy which is great... but I dunno..
Usally when you go to a wedding its a beautiful emotional event and you see the couples love and everything..
There love kinda doesn't move me.. I dunno.. I guess that sounds a bit mean.
I am still so happy that shes found love and happiness.. but yeh I'm just not all that excited and I was just having a laugh with my friend.

Anyways, I've talked enough crap.
In summary, today 8.5/10.

x Caragh


PS:
Ya so he called me.. after more than 2 weeks now i've not speaking on the phone. It was kinda nice just to chat to him.. We talked mostly about work, and he spoke about his easter with his daughters. I have to try so hard not to melt when he speaks about them.. just the amount of love you can tell pouring out.. And he was just telling me these little stories and saying how he was tearing up because his daughter who is very independant and hates to be cuddled and picked up was snuggling with him. Yeah its hard.
But i'm moving on from THAT part of my relationship with him, and hopefully into a solid frienship. so thats good.

Seriously? I have a type???

I was out for a drive.. I do that when im bored, I go out in my little car and I listen to music and I think. Just I was nearing the home stretch I was thinking about a comment that someone left me about learning to love ourselfs first with regards to relationships.


So I came to think about how I always seem to go for a type of person... usally quite a similar type. I'll give my past dating history to give you an example;

Georgia: Ah my first real love, I say love because I did and do love her as a person. She was complicated, a little bit insane.. she had been through far to much for someone of her age. Only 16 when I met her, she had been through foster care, been emotionally, physically and sexually abused, and had been hit by a train. yes a real live moving train. She had been through re-hab and in and out of the mental health care system.
But regardless of any of these things(most of which scared the shit out of my 17 year old self) I thought I could be her white night, zap in and save her from the evil forces that were controlling her life. I took to parenting her, because she never had been parented properlly.. I occasionally talked over her, told her what to wear.. pulled up her pants on the odd occasion when her low slung jeans revealed a g string in front of my family. I did none of this in a mean way, I just did it.. at first she loved it.. someone who really genually cared about her enough to do any of these things. I was never abusive towards her, would not raise my voice.. even when she did ridiculously stupid things.. but in the end she grew tired and thought I was trying to change her and it ended(With her cheating on me, forgive and forget people)

Enter Ally.. Ally seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, she was coming into her sexuality and was loud and outgoing.. she was closeted to her family.. and had some deep seeded dad issues (did i mention georgia also had those, in any case she did) I pretty much moved from Georgia, to Ally within a period of two months.
We were friends at first, I worshiped the ground she walked on, wanted to be with her every second of every minute, of everyday.
We ended up dating for 6 months, but only because at the time she had no other better offers and didnt want to loose my friendship(I have never been one to end a friendship lightly) I did help Ally, just like I helped georgia.. I helped her come to terms with who she really was.. She was herself when she was with me and soon enough she became herself with everyone. I know shes a better person because of this, well I do because she's told me.
Sadly our friendship did not make it through the years.. it ended pretty much on new years when I realised she didnt really want to be around me anymore.
I was okay with that.


Enter Sarah (she came after I dated ally) I met her on the interwebs and saw her out one night.. I was with ally at the time , I pointed her out. Ally sort her out for me and we danced.. she gropped my boobs like no one ever has before(I think she was drunk, no wait I know she was) And exchanged numbers..
She was also coming to terms with her sexuality and had just come out of an abusive relationship. She was VERY girly when I met her.. she was a veggo, and she liked to stick it to the man... "You sold out" she'd say to me of my office job.. and I'd say but girl sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.. Within 6 months she was working an office job and still is.
I had every intention of wanting to take the relationship forward, but she wasn't interested. We did get it on a few times, so I'll always have that.
Needless to say we dont see each other that much, but when we do we ALWAYS have fun togerther and I value her friendship ALOT.
She's also fully come to terms with her sexuality, and in a steady long term relationship and saving up to go overseas for atleast 6 months in June.

Enter Keelie.
Keelie is georgia, georgia is keelie.. they are one in the same person..
With regards to there history, issues with men.
Keelie is funnier though, she totally fell in love with me depsite all of my obvious flsws in the 6 months following my mothers death.
I was totally selfish and unkind to her at times, and It was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made to hurt her as badly as I did.
She needed me, and I needed her.. This went on for more than a year mind you.
We were never in a relationship, but for months our hearts were tied togerther with a peice of string, unable to let go of the idea that we'd some day, some how be togerther and it would just fit.
She would call me puppy.. Why puppy you say.
Well you know how when your toilet training a puppy, they often have accidents in the middle of the lounge room floor... normally in the same spot... we'll thats what i'd do.I'd make mistakes, the same mistakes over and over, and everytime she'd say to me, You may have just pissed on the carpet, but when you look at me I can't see anything but how beautiful you are. Needless to say, I spent alot of nights in the dog house, but i spent a fair few nights curled up on the couch in her arms as well.

When it all ended, I was lost.. literally in peices. That was when I first sought help for my depression. We are still friends, dont talk as much but when we do the same old chemistry is there..
I will love her always for all the things she did for me, including her saying to me "you are so fucked up you need help"


Enter Rod.
The new guy, who lives in another state comes and talks to me at a work function.
We talk, and laugh.Wait im in the throws of depression, I didn't even want to come to this function. Why am I laughing. He was sweet, hilarious and very intelligent. (Not to mention really cute for an old man, he's 39)
I immeditatly was smitten. I just didn't know it at first. He opened up to me, about the custody battle he'd been having with his ex wife, to see his two daughters for five years. He told me things, that I know he's probably never told anyone.
The one thing he didn't tell me, was that he was in a relationship.
Let me be clear in saying, nothing has happened with this man, I have developed and clear and obvious affection for him. Yes I love him, as stupid as it sounds. I do. I fell for it. I honestly don't think he meant for any of this to happen.But he now knows that it has, and he's completely thrown the ball back in my court.
Saying that he will give me anything I want, or need.
At the moment, he's giving me space. Which is good.

I could be mad, I could hate him (during some parts of the day I do) for letting this happen, for sucking me in knowing there would be no good to come out of this. But there is good, he helped open me up again to a side that I'd shut down. To realise that I am attracted to men (the right men, mind you) And I HAVE to be grateful for that because without him, I don't think that would have happened.

So the space that he's giving me,if it goes to plan... I will take the time I need to grieve the love I had for him, and hopefully we can go back to being good friends. Not the type of friends, who say they miss each other, and send videos too.. and talk about spooning, and saying I love you. Nope just normal friends.

So back to my point,although I've been single since 2005 (Which was a LONG time ago)I've never really been alone for anymore than a few months. I've always had that person there.. to help and too need and to want.
I've never taken the time to reflect on everything thats happened in my life, i've just jumped straight into depending on someone else for my happiness and forfillment.
And I realised today, of all days that I can't do that anymore..

Because at the end of the day, I just end up here. In this holding pattern of being alone again and HATING it. Cursing the person I'd developed feelings for, when really I should be looking to myself and WHY I constantly need this other person there to make me happy & make my life complete.
Endless wishing, hoping and praying that things will turn out for the best.
Because 10/10 times they haven't they've just left me feeling cold and alone.

I need to look at my own happiness, and how I can for filling life without someone else in it.
I don't know exactly how I'm going to do that.. But I just know that I need too.

Incase you can't tell today is a 9.25/10
Lexapro side affects= None

And thank you to the person who commented and got me thinking as to the topic of this post, it is definatly most appreicated

Lexapro day 3

Okay so clearly if you read the post below this one..
I'm not having the best day.
I was awake very early, still not feeling the best in the tum.
Lil dizzy and such.
I am down, I will admit that....
I think my brain Stupid fucked up brain that it is is just adjusting to the meds.
So at the moment, im not a happy girl.
Needless to say I had a nap, and I feel a bit better.. not a whole bunch but a bit.
I'm angry.
Angry that I'm here again.
But I realise that my anger, will not change anything.. nor will it make it go away.
I've just got to take each day as it comes and fight each small battle I have with myself.
My heart aches, all I want in this world is just a hug.. ya know.
I'm not a fancy girl, don't buy me something, don't take me anywhere..
Just hold me, and we'll be just fine.

God please give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.
Thats the strength I need right now, to accept everything just as it is.
And too move on.

I planned to try and have a fun weekend this long weekend..
I don't know if thats still a possibility..
The only thing that excites me at all is that im going to make lasange to take into the boys at work next week.. yes see I have no life.

I'm sorry this is so depressing.. seriously I can be a funny and upbeat and crazy (good crazy) character..
I just cant seem to get it out of me lately.

Anyway..
I'm off to get some food!!