I'm Alive

Barely..
Nah just joking.
Wow I haven't posted all week, at least I don't think I have.
Any tomorrow is FRIDAY so that's almost a week so whats been happening you ask?

Well

1- Dad

His stupid bitch ex keeps calling him and wanting to be friends, I told him they need time apart before he should even consider being her friend. He disagrees as only a man would (no offense) and is going over to see her and her family to "say goodbye" tomorrow night. I have been very supportive, making him dinner, talking to him when he needs it and offering practical advice.
However, he's older than me so its assumed he knows better and he may be right. I have told him that I will never been in the same room with that bitch, and I wont support any kind of relationship he has with her. He understands and respects this.

Being heartbroken and completely smitten has caused him too jump right back on the bandwagon. Although they were in the process of breaking up, my dad has been on a few "friendly dates" basically its him meeting new people because he only ever met "the evil bitch" and then was with her for almost 18 months.
He is sticking close to home and has been on two dates with one nice woman who also rides motor bikes, 1 date with a crazy chick with 5 sons who are all of age and live and home, and is going on a date with a woman who used to live in the same street as us at the same time at a previous address mind you. Weird.

Mentally.. he's doing okay.. He is spending A LOT of time online doing the internet dating thing, I've been there and done that so I can respect what he's doing and hey if it helps him. That's awesome.


2- ME

Well I've been okay I guess.. Pretty steady week with lots of work going on.
Between AF having a visit, me getting hemorrhoids, and doing something terrible to my neck that required far to many pain killers.

On Tuesday I went to the doctors and got a re-fill for my crazy pills for the next 6 months, I also got the quit smoking drug and started it yesterday.. My official quit day is next thursday, hopefully this time next week I will have one day smoke free.
Two days in, no side effects besides some tingling in the mouth which is odd, and a bit of nausea that is thankfully much easier to stomach than the lexapro side effects.

I didn't ask the doctor about the butt problem because AF was visiting and I thought it rude, I got some stuff and I am having no pain or itching so its all good and hopefully next time I go to the doctors if I am still in the same situation I will get her advice. Oh and I like my new doctor, she seems very sweet and not patronizing or anything which I appreciate. My other doctor is on maternity leave.

Work has been busy and pretty full on. I go hell for leather but don't seem to get much done. I think I am being too much of a perfectionist.

Plans for the weekend, I may get started on the painting of the back room that I didn't start a few months bak.
Tomorrow I might go to my brothers house and watch the football finals with them so I am not all by my lonesome when dad is out.

I need to make plans to catch up with some of my girlfriends.
Missing them lots.

I still read everyone's journal, I just don't comment as much coz I suck.
But just checking in and sending everyone some love
:)

xoxo

One of the lucky one's.

I am one of those lucky people, who rarely gets a headache.
BUT when I do its a killer.
Right now I can feel one coming on and I am sure its gonna be a bad one.

Fathers day turned out okay.
I did a bit of running around getting stuff for dinner and our new washing machine.
I actually picked up the wrong kind of washing powder, because we now have a front loader. Oh then I turned it to the wrong setting and it was far far to hot...
I had a white shirt (I know my bad) mixed in with a whole lot of colours and I managed to turn it a lovely shade of gray. Very smart indeed.

I am working my ass off today, trying to get a million little things done.. But not really getting anywhere.

Mondays make my brain hurt.

I've lost it.. Just a little

After a day like today..
I've lost it a little.
I'm talking to myself..
Doing stupid things.. like flipping oil in my face while I was taking the chicken out of the pan. OUCH much?
I am sure it will scar.. just coz thats the cool thing to do if your ME<---

On saturday I was crusing facebook.. I never do.. Some random from primary (elementary) school added me.. he's like "ohhh hey whats up you look hot"
Um hi.. your in a LTR and you have a kid. I appreicate you "THINKING" I look hot since you last saw me when I was 8 but seriously.. fuck off.
The funny thing is I have NO idea who he is.. I just know I went to school with him, coz we went to the same school and were in the same grade... um yeh his name is jamie.. which was a weird name back then for a kid. Hey it was the 90's...
Names like Max or Bailey or Jordan and even Jamie were COMPLETLY uncommon.
I must admit.. I am a bit of a freak with how my name is spelt but whatever.


So while cruising facebook as you know it comes up with "people you may know" and its insane to think just because you have ONE mutal friend in common that you know someone... Well turns out I did.. Turns out.. this was the friend of mine from 10 years ago that I met on the internet and was BEST friends with for 5 years. This is the same guy, who went off the deep end the same time as mum was diagnosed.. I was too fucked up for him, and he was too fucked up for me. Neither of us realised we needed help.. or each other. He pushed me out of his life.. and didn't allow me back in. Not even 2 years later. I tried to contact him.. to no avail.
But there he was.. sitting on facebook.. his profile wasn't private so I messaged him..
Just saying.. "hi how are you" blah blah.. I dont know if you'll respond but I just wanted you to know I often think about you....

A few hours later.. I was shocked to get a reply.
I BURST into tears.
His response was short but friendly.. I was desperate to know how he was and what was going on in his life... to reconnect.

This afternoon while on the phone to Boo.. I saw a response from him.

------


You can see my photo's? I didn't know I was letting that much info outside of the friends list setup thing. Thanks for the compliments on my pics. I appreciate it.

How am I... I'm on a steady program of Effexor and weekly sessions with my therapist. I feel like I'm getting better, but it's weird. I'm weird lol

I'm not sure if I'm ready for us to catch up yet? Sorry, I don't know how to word what I just said but I don't want it to be malicious. It's really nothing against you, I'm just worried that catching up right now might bring up stuff from my past... I don't think my shrink would approve lol. So please don't be offended. I'm not directly avoiding you I'm just trying to be safe/sane.

Anyway thanks again for finding me and sending me a message. I hope a little further on down the track we can finally catch up properly. I'm looking forward to that.

Sorry. But thank you for your patience :)

Bren.

-----

In a way the message broke my heart.
I remember what a fraile state he was in when our friendship ended.
I am so happy that he's on the right path.
I realised that MY therapy has helped me deal with what formally would have been known in my fucked up brain as "rejection"
But its self preservation. He is stronger than I and on the way to recovery.
I cried a little after I read and responded to his message.
It hurts that I can't have him back in my life, he was so important to me for so long.
It wasn't really our fault that our friendship was ruined.
As always there was a love story behind it.
He and my other friend dated for 2 years. It ended BADLY bascially in her pretending that he didn't exisit and not giving a crap when they broke up.
I remember he called me.. I couldn't understand him through his tears.. I sat with him on the phone not saying anything for 2 hours.. It broke my heart. He didn't recover... and still 4 years on he is still recovering.

So yeah... here I am slightly emotional. Glad that I am still feeling. So happy that he contacted me. So releaved to know he's okay. So hopefull for the future.

What's happened to me...
When did I become this normal????

Like sands through the hour glass

Well you know the rest.
As Time continues to pass us all by. This weekend I made the choice to be more proactive that I have been recently.
Although the alure of sleeping late, doing nothing and then bitching about why I get no sleep on sunday night/monday morning has clearly been high on my adgenda recently. I choose to do something different this weekend.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour, got up at a reasonable hour, drove around and did a few little things that I had been needing today.
Yesterday while on my way to breakfast.. I had rememered staring at the fridge for the 209824938 time thinking "god I wish you were clean" then closing the fridge and going about my business.
I decided that enough was enough and on the way home I stopped by to pick up an array of cleaning products.
Then I spent approximately 1.5 hours cleaning the fridge and the oven.

It's not that I hate cleaning.. but believe me I am no domestic godess and I hate ironing so much that I actually analyse the need for ironing when I am purchasing new items of clothing.

I will be the first too admit that my mother did everything for us.
She obsessivly cleaned the house, washed our sheets, did our ironing, dusted, vaccumed, mopped. You name it she did it. Daily, Weekly, Monthly.

When my mum got sick she insisted that I learnt how to do an array of domestic chores.. Such as knowing how to clean a toilet and bathroom properly.
I guess I resented this in a way because she wasnt grabbing my brothers by the arms and throwing them into the bathroom to learn how to scrub a bathtub just right.

As time as gone on, I have learnt to hate these mundane tasks more and more.
I will do them. Of course because I am not a dirty person.. I am a messy person.. but not a dirty person.

But it took me staring at the fridge for the upteenth time to know that it needed to be cleaned and organised.

Of course now that the fridge was clean. The pantry needed to be cleaned.
So thats my task for today. I am covered in flour and sugar... The bin is stocked full of rubbish. There are more bottles for the recyling bin than ever before.

Normally the thought of this would make me cringe.. but right now I am channeling my mum. I know it sounds stupid but she would be proud that I am not sitting on my ass.. well I am right now.. but I wont be in 5 minutes when I am back into my task.
She'd be proud that I saw something that needed to be done, and I did it.
Because that's what she would do.

There will come a day, when I can look in the mirror and know that all the good parts of her.. can in someway live on in me.
Even if its just in the way I clean the fridge, or the toilet or the sink.

Thats comforting when It seems like its all i've got left

Time

I am finding it hard to fathom that we are already into August.
In all honesty it seems like only yesterday it was new years eve.
I have been in my new position almost 12 months now.
My dad has been with his girlfriend for more than a year now.
My mum has almost been gone 3 years now.

Time, slipping away slowly from me.
I am closer to 23 than I am to 22.

I sit here and I try to process just how much my life has changed in the last few years. But I can't.
Sometimes I forget.
I forget everything thats happened.
All the tears, all the joy, all the heart ache.
But then I wake up and I know that this is my reality.
All of these things DID actually happen, and i've got no choice but to accept it and roll with the punches.
But damn sometimes isn't it hard

Secrets and lies part 2

Following on from my previous post.

After losing her 2 first children my grandmother began to slowly put the peices of her life back togerther.
Eventually she met a lovely man, who would become her husband.
She had two beautiful children and was living a happy and contented life with a man who loved. They had built a wonderful family.
Her husband then suffered a heart attack and died.
Young still and alone with two young children my grandmother fought to make it on her own.

Working as a cook she met a charming and attractive older gentlemen who had not long returned from the second world war.
They began to have an affair at first it was all roses, but then he began to change.
He became aggressive and violent able to turn on my grandmother at any moment.
Time passed and unable to leave the abusive relationship, my grandmother again fell pregnant.
When she told him of this, he told her if she didn't "fix the problem" that he would "fix it for her"
My grandmother had no choice but to have a backyard abortion. The abortion led to complications due to the way it was done and she bled so much that she almost died.

Still after this experience she was not able to free herself from the clutches of his man. Time passed and regretably she fell pregnant again.
This time she was pregnant with my mother.

My grandmother stood up to him and told him it was over her dead body that she was terminating the pregnancy.He would beat her frequently.

Thankfully my mother was born safe and well.
Around the time of my mothers birth the physical relationship between the two of them ended.
My mother was the child of two unwed alcoholics. Astrasized from both side of her family. My grandmother struggled to put food on the table for her children.
While my grandfathers family who was notably well off refused to support or help more than a few occasional weekend visits.
During this time my grandfather would go over and beat my grandmother.
His family knew this was happening and allowed it.

Probably the biggest family secret of all is that although my aunt has never said anything, we are pretty sure she was abused sexually by my grandfather.
There were often times that he was left alone with her two older children while he worked. He would at times "discpline them" but it is a general concencious in our family that this is a strong possibility. My aunt is a wonderful person but she has major difficulty in showing love or affection. Mostly to her own children.
There was a time in my life when we lived close to our grandfather.. I assume that my mother found out or suspected the abuse. Within 2 weeks we had moved states, as my mum couldn't stand to look out the window as it looked directly down to his house by the water.

So there you have it, just a few of my family secrets

And the award for the best daughter in the world goes too

ME!
I am so tired, but still awake.
I figure If I can keep checking on dad til about 4am... ish he'll stay awake for his test tomorrow. It's important.
I am wrecked, and in the midst of an emotional conflict...
More on that later


LAYER ONE: On The Outside
- Name: Caragh
- Nickname: Caz,Obeone,Doeven,Dobean,Raragh
- Birth date: Feb 15
- Eye Color: Green
- Hair Color: Blonde
- Height: 5'4 1/2
- Righty or Lefty: Righty
- Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

LAYER TWO: On The Inside
- Your heritage: Dutch mostly
- Who you look like: Both my parents
- Your weakness: Love
- Your fears: I am fearless.. that or big spiders, death and fire
- Your perfect pizza: BBQ meat lovers
- Goal you'd like to achieve: Go back to uni, find partner, have babies.. all before im 30... I know i'm dreaming

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
- Your most overused phrase on messenger: lol
- Your thoughts first waking up: noooooooo
- Your best physical feature: My eyes and the jaw/teeth that cost me $10,000
- Your bedtime: N/A.. Insomnia is AWESOME
- Your most missed memory: Being in love

LAYER FOUR: Your Pick
- Pepsi or Coke: Coke
- McDonald's or Burger King: HUNGRY JACKS(aussie verison of burger king)
- Single or group dates: Single
- Adidas or Nike: Nike
- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccion

LAYER FIVE: Do You?
- Smoke: Yes, sadly
- Cuss: fuck no!
- Sing: I used to do it alot, now not so much
- Believe in yourself: Ha gawd no
- Get motion sickness: Nope
- Think you're attractive: Nope
- Think you're a health freak: Not even close.
- Get along with your parents: My dad goes alright
- Like thunderstorms: Love them.
- Play an instrument: I used to sing and I can play mary had a little lamb on the recorder

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
- Drank alcohol: Um, yes.
- Smoked: Yes
- Done a drug: Nope
- Gone to the mall: Yes
- Cried: hmmm yes
- Kissed someone you didnt want to: Nope,
- Been on stage: ??? No.
- Gone skating: No, but I so totally would.
- Gone skinny dipping? No
- Dyed your hair: Nope
- Stolen anything: Nope

LAYER SEVEN: Ever..
- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Very
- Been caught "doing" something? I like to have sex in public so err yes
- Gotten beaten up? Yes
- Shoplifted: Never ever

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older
- Age you hope to be married: I don't want to get married
- Numbers and Names of Children: WOA thats too far ahead.
I want a couple of kids, but as for names I would like to name one after my mum as a second name
- Describe your dream wedding: N/A
- What country would you most like to visit: FIJI!!


LAYER NINE: In a partner
- Best eye color: Eh.. i'm not fussed.. probably lighter than darker though
- Hair color: Not fussed as long as they like it
- Short or long hair: Short on guys, long on girls.(I swing both ways..sorta)
- Height: Taller than me
- Weight: N/A
- Best articles of clothing: Nothing thats too tight on guys.. for a woman anything that suits them and makes them feel beautiful

LAYER TEN: In The Numbers...
- Number of people I could trust with my life: ??????
- Number of CDs that I own: 40??
- Number of piercings: Just ear lobes.
- Number of tattoos: Three
- Number of times name has appeared in the newspaper? No Idea

I'll admit it

I've done almost as little as I did yesterday.
Almost but not quite.
I woke up later and went to the shops to get my ingredients for my world famous lasanage.
My dad was meant to come home, but he wont be til later.. so I guess its dinner for one.

Would anyone like a slice?




I'll admit there is about 2974897487 calories per peice.
My lasange is weird and created by me....
It contains:

500 grams of ground beef or mince meat
6 slices of bacon
1 small onion
1 carrot
5 mushrooms
1/2 an egg plant
1 zucchini
1 capsicum
Garlic
Diced Tomatos
Pasta Sauce

Cheese sauce:

Equal parts butter and plain flour.
Tasty cheese to suit your love of cheese.

Simmer the sauce for 30 minutes, checking to stir.

Throw it all togerther in a baking dish and cook for 45 minutes at about 180.

I must admit, it does taste really really good.
And its a great way to get people who dislike vegetables to eat them because really you hardly know it there.

Serve with garlic bread.


AF just made her apperance YAY.. no sarcasm.. I must admit it felt weird not having her around really the last few months.
Hopefully she has a short and pleasent(pain free) stay of 3-5 days then doesn't bother me until next month.
Trying hard to get my cycle on track so I dont have to change pills.

Yesterday I realised that I was fighting a losing fight with my phone.
It kept turning off.. and then wouldnt turn on.. then it would.. then it wouldnt.
So my soultion;





I like it.. kinda.. touch phones are annoying.
It will take some getting used to.
Its got a few really good features so I like it.
I keep going to flip down to see the key pad.. but there isn't one.

Oh well, we'll see if she goes the distance.
I got it a shiny new plastic cover so that If I drop it (which I will probably daily) she'll be okay!

Alright we'll im outtie.
I can smell my lasanage cooling down.
Off for my eye brow wax and then dinner.

I am so suprised at how calm and happy i've been lately.
its a great feeling

If its not one thing.. its another.

My life is full of drama..
It flocks to me.
My family, my friendships, my relationships.
One big fucking drama after another.

Today I was run off my feet at work.
By 3pm I had this weird feeling something wasn't right, my heart was racing and I was sweating and feeling really fucking ill in the guts.
I assumed it was lunch and all the running up and down the stairs.

I finally sat back at my desk after a long stint running around and my desk phone rings for the 230984230984098 time.
I answer quickly assuming its another asshole who wants something.
But no.. It's my dad's boss.

DING DING DING.
DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.

He asked me if I got the txt message from dads phone.
Nope.
Dad has had another turn...
Another seizure.
Basically back in feb, he had a seizure at work.. A large one. He fell.. hit his head went to hospital. Tests showed he had a small non cancerous tumor.
He went through heaps of testing which cost a fortune, only to be told it was un explained.
Yeh awesome.

This time the seziure lasted for 25 seconds. The worst part was, he was out cold for 15 minutes. Stopped breathing a few times.
Thankfully, he is okay. He was a bit foggy and out of it.
They ran some blood tests, which were normal.
Didn't do a CT or Cat Scan and basically told him not to drive.
Go home, and then go and see his neuro guy again.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I wont even go into a rant about how mad and upset I am.
He could have been killed, he could have killed someone on the road.
I'm pissed that he will have to go through the same expensive tests again, probably to have no soultion put forward.
I'm scared that this could happen again.

So I'm asking for it.
Prayers.
Prayers that my dad will be okay.
That they will find whats wrong.
That they can fix it.
That everything will be okay.
Because I can't NOT have my dad. He is all i've got left.
I need him, and he needs to be here. His time is not up.

Dad's girlfriend was at the hospital when I got there.
She didn't shit me too much, she as pretty concerned.
She bugged the nurses coz he was waiting quite a while.
Someone refered to her as my mum.
I laughed, so I wouldnt cry.
In the end dad came home with me, and she went home about 20 minutes before us.
When we got home she sent him a txt saying how bad she felt and that she was being selfish for going home and not looking after him after all he'd done before.
It actually made more sense for him to come home with me though.. so I wasn't pissed and he wasn't upset or anything.
I guess that was kinda nice.

Anyway, besides my crazy day.
Lack of sleep.
Far to much nicotine.
And a SHIT load of drama.
I am okay, and things WILL be okay.
Well thats what I am hoping.

Poor Knuckles

About 2 months ago a lovely young man an idiot barely out of his teens moved to the apartment next door.
Normally I don't mind neighbours. Usally I am friendly.. the odd smile or a wave.

But this idiot really yanks my chain.
I mean REALLY yanks my chain.

You see, he has a lovely dog.
Named KNUCKLES.

First of all WTF at knuckles, what a terrible name.
I don't blame the poor thing for being such a sook.
And thats what he is, he's a sook. I haven't seen him but judgeing by the loudness of his bark, and the way he bounces around over there I am assuming he is quite large.
Next door has no backyard, only a small courtyard.
Poor thing is going mental in there.
I haven't seen them walk him, not to say they don't be come on.

Poor knuckles is always getting in trouble.

STOP THAT KNUCKLES
DONT DO THAT KNUCKLES
GET OUT KNUCKLES

Honestly I think it would be in knuckles best interest if I went over there and gave his owner a fricken knuckle sandwich.

He is a bit of a complainer, its been cold lately so he whines a lot.
He also poops a lot much to his owners dismay.
HEY if you don't want him pooping on the concrete, give the poor thing a bit of grass to go on.

Ahh I am sad for lovely knuckles.

Meanwhile back at the ranch..
I was up early again.
BOO
I amused myself with blogging, laughing at ghetto teen mothers on baby gaga (yeh I know I shouldnt but sue me) and playing in photoshop where I created this;




This will be my new sign off.
I like it. Probably because I...
1) I came up with the idea on my own
2) Downloaded the brushes
3) Created the cards

I wanted to make it a tad more creative.
But i've been at it for 3 hours and I am really really hungry!!!


The footy starts in an hour or so and normally I'd go down to the pub to watch the game but I sincerly can't be bothered.
I can listen to it online.

I hope everyone has had a fabulous weekend.
Mine has been okay, I am just glad I haven't gotten sick.


Ooops there goes that stupid owner again.
Yelling at knuckles.

Oink

90% of people who have the Flu at the moment in melbourne have pig flu.
My brother is totally coughing his guts up at the moment and its annoying the crap out of me.
I've got a sniffle.. a slight sniffle.
Must stay warm and hydrated. Wash hands compulsivley and eat lots of veggies.

Yeh.... not so much.
Ha.

My BFF @ work, M was definatly coming down with something.

I have no idea where my dad is, but I think he is in his room sleeping..
Which disturbs me because its 3pm on a saturday afternoon.
Thats something that I would do not him.

If he is coming down with something, he stupidly went for a ride on his motorbike in the very very cold wind.
Not the smartest idea in the world.

I was wondering, does anyone have any movies they would recommend?
I am running short of titles to buy illegally download.

I like;
Documentaries
Rom-Coms
Comedies

I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi or scary stuff.
I have enough night mares as it is.
Don't need to be chased down the street by a serial killer in my dreams too.

Any recommendations would be greatly appreicated.

TGIF!!!!!!

I can't believe its friday night.
Seriously, it blows my mind how quickly this week has gone.
I really want to do my friday fragments post, but I honestly can't be bothered even putting the link up.
I know.. Slack.

I was fine after my ultrasound yesterday.
Dinner with my work mates was okay, but the food for some people was terrible.
Lucky I didn't get a wood fired pizza too because it would have been burnt to shit like theirs.
Work went so quickly this morning. Before I knew it, it was 5pm and I was outta there.
We had a 3 hour + meeting.
It was terrible, after that long sitting down I wanted to jump out the window.
And it was so BORING and frustrating.
One of my managers talks SO much, he asks so many questions and never lets the subject change quickly.

But with that being said, it killed a lot of time.
Too bad, I had a alot of work to do.

I'm wrecked because I was having night mares last night.
Mr Mans now ex girlfriend (YES she finally came to her senses and moved out)
I didn't believe him when he told me, but he was talking to my friend when one of the removalist trucks pulled up. So she really left him. GOOD ON HER.
Anyway, in the dream I basically went to sydney where they live and told her everything.She seemed SO happy I told her the truth.. coz she knew something was up.
Then she left, came back and shot me in the head.
Yeh I was watching Law & Order and thats how someone died on the show last night.
So that kept me up for a while.. and when your having intense dreams like that.
Your not in a deep sleep, which totally sucks.

I am 99.9999 percent sure i've had an allergic reaction to lexpro.
I am rashy, and itchy all over and I have scratched myself too peices I'm gonna end up with more scars than I already have.
I need to decide what to do about that.


I had to re format my computer for the 4th time today.
I am such an idiot, I must just keep downloading virus's.
So now I have some nice protection which will hopefully prevent this from happening again.

I don't have any plans for the weekend, I really need to clean.
Possibly do a little shopping with what money I have left over for the month coz I get paid next week. YAY.

Its tax time and I'm due for an ok refund.. not huge but no one would turn down 1000 dollars would they? Nope well I sure as hell wont.

I also got a job title change at work because of all the extra stuff I'd been doing.
Yes its just a tittle change but it secretly made me a little happy and I was thankful for being reconized for all the extra things I do.


B is coming down next week for a sales conference
I AM SO EXCITED!!!! I haven't seen him since last October.
We were friendly then, but not as close as we are now so it will great to see him.
We have dinner on the monday night at a nice restuarant and I told him his testicles would be removed if he didn't sit next to me.
He is happily married, and people TALK. But I don't care, its nothing we haven't heard before.
Why is it a male and a female can't be friends if one or both is an a happy and healthy relationship. I'll NEVER know.
I was meaning to ask him this week about doing something on sunday night, but he had already made plans and was meeting some of the other guys at the airport.
It would be hard to sneak past them.

Considering that I am falling asleep.. I did a good job with this post.
But I should spell check so I don't look slow.

Lots of love to everyone.

My conclusion? Well.. Inconclusive

I just got back from my "Pelvic Ultrasound"
I say that loosely because it took almost an hour to do the whole thing.
I was lucky to get a woman(THANK GAWD) I don't think she worked at that hospital though.. I also had a trainee who was watching her do the proceed er.
Because I was in a women's and maternity hospital. I got to watch the whole thing on the tv above me. Kinda cool.

She tried through my stomach first, and had to take a look at my kidneys coz one is lil.

I will defiantly say the kidney part of it hurt much more than the trans part.
They have to push so hard to get a decent picture.
I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I was gonna get a trans, and everyone had reassured me I'd be fine.
She wasn't getting any good pictures so I had to empty my bladder.
After a bit of poking and prodding.
Left side, right side, sitting up.
She got everything she wanted.

Then they left the room and I stripped. Sexy.
They kept stressing that if I was a virgin this wasn't a good idea.
Seriously do i look like a virgin.... Coz to be honest with ya lady my first vibrator was far bigger than that probe! Sorry.. over share.

Its funny how when you think your relaxed its not,but all was okay.

She was VERY careful and checked everything.
The opening for cysts.
Uterus.. hehe its so funny how it looks exactly like its drawn in pictures.. it cracks me up! She checked my cervix.

They concentrated on my endometrium quite a bit.
I have no idea why..coz I dont know what it should look like.... they did like a contrast shot and a blood flow shot.

Very cool to watch.

My right ovary appeared and had 11 follicles..
Yeh I dont know if thats right.. They were little ones only 4mm.
My left ovary was hard to find it was under my uterus I think.. it looked fine said the tech and the doctor, but for some reason that was the only part...
Oh besides her ramming the probe into my rib cage that hurt.
The left only had 6 follicles all 4mm

I am on the pill and that surprised them a bit?
Yeh again.. lol NO idea.
I didn't have a period last month well it lasted for a day.
And I just gave up and started my birth control 12 days ago..

All in all, the tech appeared happy and the doctor had a quick look.

I am a lil sore from having the probe in there for about 30 minutes.
Maybe because the girl was in training?


So at the end of the day.. I still don't know anything.
But in another month I go back to the hospital and I will find out my results.

Again thanks to everyone for there words of advice.. they really helped!

I'm gonna be late for dinner.
Better run!!

Between fighting for peace and dying for love we still find time to enjoy life

- PK Shaw.

That is the quote of the day on my desk calander.
Couldn't help but look at it and think it was true.

I spent so much time doing nothing today.
It wasn't intentional I am just having a slow day.
On the wind down now.

Despite all the positive feedback I recieved from the lovely ladies giving me advice on my pelvic ultrasound tomorrow..
I still can't help but me a little worried.
I have this unfounded fear that I'll drink TOO much and I will accidently pee on the ultrasound tech.
HA. I have a weak bladder so its a REAL possibility.

Tonight I am going to make profitter roles.
I am excited, they are a french thing and I am going to "Attempt" to make them.
I didn't tell any of the guys at work incase I fail!!!!!

If I pull it off, I will post some pictures of my handy work.

My hair has been so much better since I did my crazy mask.
I think i'm going to re try it MINUS the banana.
I recommend everyone try it, has improved the feel and look of my hair.
Definatly on my to-do list for this weekend.

I also really need to clean again.
I massive clean out.
ARGH I hate cleaning, I really need a cleaner.
Nooo that would be lay-zeeeee caragh.


My friend at work is trying to be extra annoying.
He says that me and his wife remind him so much of each other.
And I'm like "YOU WONDER WHY I NAG ITS BECAUSE YOUR ANNOYING"

He burps at me, so I burp back and suddenly its really yuck??
My burps kick his anyway.

Okay 30 minutes to go now.
Must do some work.. or google more recipes..

Bra's are evil

well at least mine is.
I am laying here in my pj's but i have my bra on.
I try and keep the girls strapped in most of the time, coz they is so big.
But I really want to take it off.
I am TOTALLY to tired to move.

Tomorrow is hump day already.
Shit.
I can't believe how fast this year has gone, its completly blowing my mind.

In other news, I caved and texted him.
I know, I know.. Weak.
I refuse to talk to him until im strong enough to work up the courage and say everything I want.
I'll do it. I know I will.


Thank you everyone for your sweet comments when I wasn't feeling well.
Also to the advice for the test I have to have.
Shit I have to find that paper work so I know when the appointment is.
Okay well I have to get up then haha

I know I have nothing interesting to report.
Apart from making myself sick with my favourite meal, my boss giving me the shits and my life passing me by..

I lead a very boring life.

Wow- Wedding Review

So I just got home from the wedding.
HUGE fucking day I tells ya.
Getting up at 7am seemed like a good idea in theory, but in reality not so much.
Well my little idea about getting there early and beating the traffic and such..
Not so much a great plan. We were an hour early and hung out in the car.
My friend got married on a moutain... not literally on the side of a mountain but ya know up a moutain. Okay its too hard to explain here is the venue
It was a beautiful place.. HOWEVER.

Mountain + Middle of winter + Melbourne = FRICKEN COLD.
It rained a lot and was generally pretty damn cold.

The ceremony was very very quick. It wasn't a relgious ceremony, just like a chapel service. The mothers read poems, my friends son who is almost 1 was involved. He was so cute making a whole heap of nose. He has obviously learnt that when he put its hand too his mouth and pulls it away it makes a cool noise.
So there was lots of ah ah ah ah ah ya ya ya ya.

My friend looked beautiful, her dress was a bit.. err different.
White with beading but maroon straps.
It suited her but pretty much wouldn't have suited anyone else.
My other good friend her maid of honor looked stunning.
She was actually more nervous than the bride.. she falls over a lot.

After the ceremony there was a 2 hour gap until the reception.
HUGE drainer. Thankfully some of our friends had rented a room and we hung out there.
2 hours finally passed and we were hit with some drinks and lovely snacks.

The reception was nice mostly. Food was good. Speeches were cute.
I think I liked the first dance and the father daughter dance the best.
It made me want to get married only so i can make dad dance with me.

I had a pretty good time. The friends I went with got pretty drunk. One in particular had a bottle of vodka in her bag.
Yeh she drank it all and revealed to us at 9:30 that she had a party to go to in the city. Or rather her boyfriend was going to a party in the city and she wanted to keep an eye on him.
She was drunk, being obnoxious and loud so I thought rather than making her MORE miserable I would drive her into the city to meet her boyfriend.

What an interesting car trip that was. Glad I was sober so I can remember all the random crap she was saying. We left at like 10:30 which seems SO early but really I was stuffed and had to drive home.

Finally got her into the city 40 minutes later, stoppd to get my other sobering up friend some food (god im so nice) then dropped her home and came straight home to bed.

All in all it was a cute day.
I am glad to see my friend has found someone who truly loves her and wants to share a life with her and their son. They are very lucky.

Infact now I'm thinking everyone in a long term relationship is lucky.
And I'm feeling a bit alone ha ha ha.

Hope everyone had a good day.
I will have an AWESOME sleep tonight and a restful day tomorrow.

XX

Past, Present, Future

Dear 17 year old Caragh,
Your final year of school was one of the best of your life.
You were living it up, in a relationship that always made you happy.. but it wasn't so healthy. I wish you had studied harder in your final year. Your end results did not really justify the years you put into your school life.
I wish you had realised this at the time. You got yourself into a lot of trouble but it was always for a good cause. Standing up for what you believe in. I wish you had treasured these moments more because as you grow you sometimes get caught up in the politics of it all and keep quite to often. I hope that you treasured this year, and realised how lucky you were. I hope that all the little moments you experienced filled you with joy as they helped to sustain you over the rest of the years to come.
I wish you didn't doubt yourself so much.


Dear 22 year old Caragh,
Well hasn't the last 5 years thrown some massive twists and turns your way.
You have loved and lost, and then hit the rinse and repeat cycle and done it all again. Although none of these things make sense, they will seem to have greater purpose as you move through the course of your life. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Don't cut yourself to peices for what should or could have been. Everything happens for a reason, or so they say. Live that. Be proud of who you are, and keep your mind set on the things you want to accomplish. Smile and be joyful like you know you can be. Laugh and cry. Be a good friend, a kind daughter, a loving sister and a thoughtful colluege this things will help you through out your life.
Remember above all else to thy on self be true.



Dear 27 year old Caragh,
I hope by now some things in your life have changed.
I hope that you have done what you always dreamed of, and that you are in your second last year of this course.
Although its not something that burns through your veins, I hope you have travelled a little. Enjoyed some other cultures, met new and interesting souls. I hope that you took the time to listen to their stories as it will help you with yours.
I would hope that you have found someone. Someone who see's you for everything that you are, and everything that your not. But loves you regardless of that.
Be kind and paitent with those who are not with you. It makes them mad and will be an endless sorce of joy. I KNOW by now you are taking better care of your body, especially your mind. You will be less hung up on the flaws that you believe surround you and define you now. They don't. I hope that you have kept an open mind. I hope you live large, laughed lots and cried a little.
I hope that you will learn from the past, be hopeful about the future, and live in the present.


All my love,

Caragh

History Repeats itself

When my computer went 'BOOM' a few weeks ago, I managed to lose all the journal entries that I had from my time at greatestjournal.com
I was pretty pissed, but realised it was probably time to let go of all the history there. A lot of good memories, but many many sad ones.

I had always inconsistently kept a myspace blog, when I was sort of in between.
I never posted anything too out there or extreme.. But I did post a few things that are still very applicable to my life now.

I haven't changed a whole lot, Yes i've grown but I still have the same insecurties and nutty quirks that I did 3 years ago. It makes me wonder if I'll ever change.. if the light will ever switch on and I'll be able to fix those things that are just that little bit wrong with me.

I've changed my blog a bit, I wanted another column! I did it all by myself (with the help of a tutorial no doubt) I also lightened the colours because my mind is feeling lighter at the moment. I changed my header too, I did it myself in photoshop.. It's a little hack, but its friday night and I am a lay-zeeee biatch.

Its a good thing too, because just after I finished I managed to download some virus and my computer went BOOM again.
I was able to use the windows repair feature and it un-installed photoshop and all the bugs.
I am so talented. HA.

And now I will share with you something I wrote many many years ago.. or so it seems.
All of which are still applicable.


Friday, June 09, 2006
Things that make me happy :)
1. Family

2.Friends

3. Sleeping in on the weekend

4. Working at hungry jacks

5. Spooning with muffin

6. Latte's with hazelnut

7. pay day

8. Sunsets at the beach

9. Driving with no place to go

8.When work isnt busy

9. Pickles!!!! <-----

10. Comfy Jeans

11. Warm Jumpers

12. good sex

13. my mums bacon and eggs

16. long late night phone conversations

17. quotes with meaning and substance

18.kissing

19. Laughing so much you almost pee <--- ALMOST


20. Running away, even if its just for a day

21. Playing cards with friends

22. Falling in love

23. Reading old chat logs

24.cold days on the couch watching movies

25. waking up to a warm room in winter

26. crying because im happy

27. bbq meatlovers pizza

28. random text messages

29. Seeing an old friend and reconnecting

30. going to sex shops

31. Slurpees

32. Musicals

33.Dancing around to loud music



X

Caragh

Friday Fragments- I've jumped on the bandwagon!

TGIF!
I've just got home from work, and I'm looking back on the week.
But looking forward to the future.
I am going to do a friday fragments post, I have taken the format from the wonderful
Alyssa



Annoyance of the week: I work with a group of 9 other men. At times they can be a little dirty, most of the time though they are fine. They are mostly married with kids and are generally great people. However, I have recently noticed how BITCHY they are. They also talk, A LOT. Maybe it's just the ones i'm working with, but damn today they were EXTRA chatty, I was sitting there emersed in a spreadsheet and I couldn't concentrate with all the talk of fishing, and waterfalls.
I'm talking full blown 30 minute conversations in the middle of the work day.

Wisdom of the week: This week I have had to finally learn the hard way, that enough is enough. There is great meaning to the Patty Smyth song, and it goes a litle something like this;
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Love for others sometimes isn't enough, but the love you have for yourself.
PRICELESS


Funny moment of the week: Out of respect for MJ and the fact that he ONLY died a few hours ago, I have refused to be amused by the jokes going around already.
But I had to laugh today, when one of my collueges who is generally a very quite, but funny guy, came into the department wearing a white glove doing the moon walk.


Petty wish of the week: That my period would make up its mind. Is it coming or going?


Standout moment of the week: Finally for the last two nights, getting some good solid sleep.

Weekend plans: Friday night- not sure.. possibly a movie..
Saturday- RELAX
Sunday- Footy, hopefully. I'm optimistic dad will come home and take me.


And on a wonderful side note, I would like to send all my love out to
Bella & her fella, who just got there first BFP this week. I am so excited for her, and I think everyone should drop in and send her some love. Bella is an amazing woman, who has embraced me like many wonderful people from the IF community.
I am so appreicative of the love and support that this community offers.
I think I would have been lost these last few months without it.

100 Reasons

I had 100 reasons to be grumpy today.
Okay not 100 but a few..
No sleep
Late for work
No M to keep me company and help me with his therapy
Not a lot to do, but still enough to keep me busy

But you know what?

I was happy, yup me with my whole 4 hours of sleep.
I was happy, joyful even.

Sometimes I find my mood swings hard to take, but to wake up and still feel greatful to be here.. It was good. It was really good.

I am still so pleased with myself that I fixed my laptop.

Oh and I washed my hair this morning, and yeah WOW.
People please try the lovely hair mask that I kinda half stole/made up.
It worked a treat, my hair is so shiney and full of live.

I'm happy, woo yeah
And I'm even MORE happy..
That there is a vegetarian pizza in the oven just about to be done...
And that there is a pudding on the bench.

I am winning as they say..

Loves

X