Revealing

I can’t…

Make the bed without it falling apart in the middle of the night.


Sing like I used to be able to before I started smoking

Ignore one of M's burps without following it with my own.. even if I dont need to


Watch beaches without crying

Really explain to someone what they mean to me face to face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can…

Flip my eye lids inside out, yes its gross no I wont do it and scare you.

Almost always cry on demand.

Never stop loving someone who has place in my heart.

Reverse parelle park even though I was never taught.

Make fun of myself almost everday for the amusment of others
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I won’t…

Ever forget my mothers eyes, as they are my eyes. She lives through me.

Repress memories because they are to painful

Let my eyebrows go more than 2 weeks without being waxed, its a slight obsession

Ever loose the ring I am wearing on my right middle finger.

Hurt someone on purpose because they hurt me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will…

Always try and be the best daughter I can be.. Even if its as simple as making my dad dinner so he doesn't sulk or starve.

Try at let people in more and remove some of my walls.

Not tell white lies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shouldn’t…

Swear so much.

Eat so many sovlakis (BUT THEY ARE SOOO GOOD)<----

Push people away.

Jump to conculsions when I don't know the facts.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I should…

Quit smoking.

Find SOME form of exercise that I enjoy. (Do they have fat chicks only dancing?)

Get my ass into gear and sign up for uni even though I am scared.

Never ever ever litter(I know I am a terrible person)

Bra's are evil

well at least mine is.
I am laying here in my pj's but i have my bra on.
I try and keep the girls strapped in most of the time, coz they is so big.
But I really want to take it off.
I am TOTALLY to tired to move.

Tomorrow is hump day already.
Shit.
I can't believe how fast this year has gone, its completly blowing my mind.

In other news, I caved and texted him.
I know, I know.. Weak.
I refuse to talk to him until im strong enough to work up the courage and say everything I want.
I'll do it. I know I will.


Thank you everyone for your sweet comments when I wasn't feeling well.
Also to the advice for the test I have to have.
Shit I have to find that paper work so I know when the appointment is.
Okay well I have to get up then haha

I know I have nothing interesting to report.
Apart from making myself sick with my favourite meal, my boss giving me the shits and my life passing me by..

I lead a very boring life.

Past, Present, Future

Dear 17 year old Caragh,
Your final year of school was one of the best of your life.
You were living it up, in a relationship that always made you happy.. but it wasn't so healthy. I wish you had studied harder in your final year. Your end results did not really justify the years you put into your school life.
I wish you had realised this at the time. You got yourself into a lot of trouble but it was always for a good cause. Standing up for what you believe in. I wish you had treasured these moments more because as you grow you sometimes get caught up in the politics of it all and keep quite to often. I hope that you treasured this year, and realised how lucky you were. I hope that all the little moments you experienced filled you with joy as they helped to sustain you over the rest of the years to come.
I wish you didn't doubt yourself so much.


Dear 22 year old Caragh,
Well hasn't the last 5 years thrown some massive twists and turns your way.
You have loved and lost, and then hit the rinse and repeat cycle and done it all again. Although none of these things make sense, they will seem to have greater purpose as you move through the course of your life. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Don't cut yourself to peices for what should or could have been. Everything happens for a reason, or so they say. Live that. Be proud of who you are, and keep your mind set on the things you want to accomplish. Smile and be joyful like you know you can be. Laugh and cry. Be a good friend, a kind daughter, a loving sister and a thoughtful colluege this things will help you through out your life.
Remember above all else to thy on self be true.



Dear 27 year old Caragh,
I hope by now some things in your life have changed.
I hope that you have done what you always dreamed of, and that you are in your second last year of this course.
Although its not something that burns through your veins, I hope you have travelled a little. Enjoyed some other cultures, met new and interesting souls. I hope that you took the time to listen to their stories as it will help you with yours.
I would hope that you have found someone. Someone who see's you for everything that you are, and everything that your not. But loves you regardless of that.
Be kind and paitent with those who are not with you. It makes them mad and will be an endless sorce of joy. I KNOW by now you are taking better care of your body, especially your mind. You will be less hung up on the flaws that you believe surround you and define you now. They don't. I hope that you have kept an open mind. I hope you live large, laughed lots and cried a little.
I hope that you will learn from the past, be hopeful about the future, and live in the present.


All my love,

Caragh

I don't give a shit

I'm having one of those I don't give a shit weeks.

I don't give a shit about work
I don't give a shit about what i'm eating
I don't give a shit that I slept all day and will tomorrow
I don't give a shit that i'm fat
I don't give a shit that i'm nuts

I literally, DO NOT give a SHIT about anything.

Seriously, I know I should just shut the fuck up and get over it.
But I can't.
Can't do it.
Brain wont allow me too just keep on functioning.

FUCK

History Repeats itself

When my computer went 'BOOM' a few weeks ago, I managed to lose all the journal entries that I had from my time at greatestjournal.com
I was pretty pissed, but realised it was probably time to let go of all the history there. A lot of good memories, but many many sad ones.

I had always inconsistently kept a myspace blog, when I was sort of in between.
I never posted anything too out there or extreme.. But I did post a few things that are still very applicable to my life now.

I haven't changed a whole lot, Yes i've grown but I still have the same insecurties and nutty quirks that I did 3 years ago. It makes me wonder if I'll ever change.. if the light will ever switch on and I'll be able to fix those things that are just that little bit wrong with me.

I've changed my blog a bit, I wanted another column! I did it all by myself (with the help of a tutorial no doubt) I also lightened the colours because my mind is feeling lighter at the moment. I changed my header too, I did it myself in photoshop.. It's a little hack, but its friday night and I am a lay-zeeee biatch.

Its a good thing too, because just after I finished I managed to download some virus and my computer went BOOM again.
I was able to use the windows repair feature and it un-installed photoshop and all the bugs.
I am so talented. HA.

And now I will share with you something I wrote many many years ago.. or so it seems.
All of which are still applicable.


Friday, June 09, 2006
Things that make me happy :)
1. Family

2.Friends

3. Sleeping in on the weekend

4. Working at hungry jacks

5. Spooning with muffin

6. Latte's with hazelnut

7. pay day

8. Sunsets at the beach

9. Driving with no place to go

8.When work isnt busy

9. Pickles!!!! <-----

10. Comfy Jeans

11. Warm Jumpers

12. good sex

13. my mums bacon and eggs

16. long late night phone conversations

17. quotes with meaning and substance

18.kissing

19. Laughing so much you almost pee <--- ALMOST


20. Running away, even if its just for a day

21. Playing cards with friends

22. Falling in love

23. Reading old chat logs

24.cold days on the couch watching movies

25. waking up to a warm room in winter

26. crying because im happy

27. bbq meatlovers pizza

28. random text messages

29. Seeing an old friend and reconnecting

30. going to sex shops

31. Slurpees

32. Musicals

33.Dancing around to loud music



X

Caragh

Friday Fragments- I've jumped on the bandwagon!

TGIF!
I've just got home from work, and I'm looking back on the week.
But looking forward to the future.
I am going to do a friday fragments post, I have taken the format from the wonderful
Alyssa



Annoyance of the week: I work with a group of 9 other men. At times they can be a little dirty, most of the time though they are fine. They are mostly married with kids and are generally great people. However, I have recently noticed how BITCHY they are. They also talk, A LOT. Maybe it's just the ones i'm working with, but damn today they were EXTRA chatty, I was sitting there emersed in a spreadsheet and I couldn't concentrate with all the talk of fishing, and waterfalls.
I'm talking full blown 30 minute conversations in the middle of the work day.

Wisdom of the week: This week I have had to finally learn the hard way, that enough is enough. There is great meaning to the Patty Smyth song, and it goes a litle something like this;
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Love for others sometimes isn't enough, but the love you have for yourself.
PRICELESS


Funny moment of the week: Out of respect for MJ and the fact that he ONLY died a few hours ago, I have refused to be amused by the jokes going around already.
But I had to laugh today, when one of my collueges who is generally a very quite, but funny guy, came into the department wearing a white glove doing the moon walk.


Petty wish of the week: That my period would make up its mind. Is it coming or going?


Standout moment of the week: Finally for the last two nights, getting some good solid sleep.

Weekend plans: Friday night- not sure.. possibly a movie..
Saturday- RELAX
Sunday- Footy, hopefully. I'm optimistic dad will come home and take me.


And on a wonderful side note, I would like to send all my love out to
Bella & her fella, who just got there first BFP this week. I am so excited for her, and I think everyone should drop in and send her some love. Bella is an amazing woman, who has embraced me like many wonderful people from the IF community.
I am so appreicative of the love and support that this community offers.
I think I would have been lost these last few months without it.

The hungry hungry hippo

That would be me today..

Seeing as i'm all up for sharing.
I will share with you how hungry I was / STILL AM today.



One Large Coffee



A Banana



A Mandarine



Another Coffee



Another Mandarine





Caesar Salad




Golden Delicous Apple



Another Mandarine



A Packet Of Chips



Double Strawberry Freddo




And um.. Another Mandarine


I would find this highly interesting if everyone did the same thing!!

100 Reasons

I had 100 reasons to be grumpy today.
Okay not 100 but a few..
No sleep
Late for work
No M to keep me company and help me with his therapy
Not a lot to do, but still enough to keep me busy

But you know what?

I was happy, yup me with my whole 4 hours of sleep.
I was happy, joyful even.

Sometimes I find my mood swings hard to take, but to wake up and still feel greatful to be here.. It was good. It was really good.

I am still so pleased with myself that I fixed my laptop.

Oh and I washed my hair this morning, and yeah WOW.
People please try the lovely hair mask that I kinda half stole/made up.
It worked a treat, my hair is so shiney and full of live.

I'm happy, woo yeah
And I'm even MORE happy..
That there is a vegetarian pizza in the oven just about to be done...
And that there is a pudding on the bench.

I am winning as they say..

Loves

X

My strange taste in Music...

I've always had a strange taste in Music.
I like songs that date back as early as the 40's/50's Yes I know that sounds weird.
One of my FAVOURITE songs is
"The birds and the bee's"

Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees
and the flowers and the trees,
the moon up above, and the thing
called love.

I remember hearing this song about 8 or 9 years ago and I knew the lyrics and it was driving me nuts because I literally could NOT remember hearing it.. or knowing the song.
I asked my mum and she laughed & then smiled.
"I used to play that song all the time, when you were about 1 you would pull yourself up in your cot and shake your little butt along to the beat"

Recently I've also been LOVING

The Cure- Pictures of you

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel


The song obviously touches a nerve in me.. and would in many.
But its a beautiful song.


And last but sadly least :( Cos this is LAME.
I heard this song on the way home.

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

Yes thats Miley Cyrus, and yes I'm kind of ashmed.
But she has some good people writting songs for her, god damn if it wasn't for the lyrics i'd hate the song.


Today didn't turn out so badly after all.
I got alot of things done..
I was stressing about this promotion I had put togerther, about it being rejected by my boss after I had put so much energy into the concept and putting the work togerther.
I was scared he would just say.. "No"
He's a bit like that, hard to pick. He either loves something or he hates it.

But he loved it, and he was really impressed with my effort and also the effort of "that man"
So yeh, we make a good team.

After work I got my fortnightly eye brow wax.
I love the place I go to, the girls are SO nice and they actually take the time and are very carefull not to take to much or do what you don't want.
Its a little more expensive than most places, but SO worth it.
I also got a spur of the moment eye lash tint..
I don't like mascara.. I always pick it off.
And because I'm now using mineral makeup, it means there is just less stuff to do in the morning.

After THAT.. i know my day sounds long huh.
I took myself out to dinner.
It took them a minute to work out that
NO THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE COMING TO ORDER ON MY TABLE.
OMG I WAS A SINGLE GENERATION Y FEMALE HAVING DINNER BY HERSELF!
Then I happened to put 5 dollars into a poker machine (slot machine)
And I won $150
All in all a good day.


I haven't seen my dad in a week or more.. I miss him.
His girlfriend is going through some stuff, so he's trying to be there for her as much as he can.
He also got tickets to the football for us, and said we will go out for lunch on Sunday.
I haven't been to a game with him in months, so that would be great.

I have a very cute Fur baby molly, who is just about to go on heat.
So she's very clingy at the moment so we are cuddling.
I'm giving her some space from my other dog Max, who is after her at the moment.
Poor little hormonal thing.

Well anyone who read this deserves a medal.
I'm going to read/comment on some blogs.
Have a shower.
Do some washing.
& then go to bed.


Hope everyone is having a good start to the week

Note to self

Possibly not a good idea, to send random, rambling, late night emails to that
Guy your probably in love with even though you shouldnt be for all reasons that have previously been listed

I'm going to bed

Moving too the country, gonna eat alot of peaches

shhh don't tell anyone.
I don't really like peaches.
I just like songs about peaches.. or BY peaches.
So weird.

Its so funny though, I used to have so much to write about when I was younger.
But now I struggle to put them all into something that is worth posting in an entry.. ya know?

I still feel like I have SO much I could say..
But just.. no words