Stepping out of the darkness

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing."
--Agatha Christie


Its a typical Sunday for me, floating around the house. Watching TV online, listening to music but something inside me has shifted. That is what I wanted to share.

My dad was home this passed weekend, on Friday night we went to the football. It was nice to spend some time with him alone again, like the good old days. Even if we were standing in the freezing cold for 4 hours. Totally worth it.

Saturday brought new challenges, took myself out for breakfast and came back to dad asking me the question. "which do you want, backyard, shed, or laundry"
I called laundry, I perceived this to be the easiest room in the house to clean. Boy was I wrong.
When I got in there and started to clear off the shelves. I realized that the walls were dirty. I mean REALLY dirty. Old me, would have pretended like she didn't see the dirty walls. New me... not so much. As I dragged everything out of there, and started the long process of washing down the walls I felt calm. I couldn't believe how dirty it was. Wall cleanliness hasn't really taken top priority in my family for the last three years.. With everything that's happened.
15 buckets of water, three lots of mop water on the floor, I began to stack the items back on the shelves. Minus the junk.
I was proud, but seriously. What had I accomplished? A clean laundry
That's it. Nothing super, or splendid. Just a very clean laundry.

After 3 hours of cleaning I was a little tired. Yeah the lexapro still does make me tired. So I went to have a little nap. As I layed there falling asleep. I thought about what I'd just done. Normally when I climb into bed for a weekend nap.
I am tearful, sad, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Just not wanting to exist for a few hours.
But not yesterday. Nope.
I WAS TIRED.
That was it... It felt so freeing to know that for the first time in a long time.
Nothing was bothering me. I was completely calm and in control of my emotions.

To know that I am making my own decisions, because I WANT to make them. Not because I feel I HAVE to.
It was magical. This may sound like such an exaggeration. I feel better, I really really do. I feel SO in control. Like my depression doesn't have it over me anymore.
Last year this was the point where I threw away the meds without doctors advice.
We know where that got me.. back to square one.

So I will continue on the journey that I'm facing, not everyday will be easy.
But not everyday will be hard.
I am calm & in control of how I feel.

This feels amazing.

The down side of AD's

So I was wandering around the house.
Wondering why I felt so spacey.
So dizzy.
So shitty, when I'd just had a million hours sleep and felt very relaxed.
Jumped into the shower, and while in there remembered im about 5 hours late for my Lexapro tablet.
Thats the downside... Forgetting that your NOT NORMAL
And going about your daily life.
Well I better go take it before I have a shit fit or a brain spaz or something.

Back to regular scheduleing

After my little break yesterday, I thought I'd flick back to my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings.
But really, I don't have any.
My KILLER pms I'd been having for 2 weeks has worn off.
So I'm feeling alot better.
I think that its got something to do with the fact that my boss (who's a lazy asshat) is going to be oversea's for the next 10 days. My co-worker and BFF brother figure Mat and I get free rain to do our work without seeing him sit there on his ass and do nothing.. And whatever ever he does do, well lets just say its not done well.
I did however have a very very difficult time getting to sleep last night, considering all the sleep all weekend being exhausted. It took me more than 3 hours to get to sleep.. That's a long time even for me.

I'm staying with the lexapro.
My anger has really died down, that was something I was strugling with.
I'm NOT a violent person, but I was raising my voice and storming off alot.. thats not really the best impression while working.


I haven't seen my dad in more than a week.
His girlfriend is so NEEDY.
Seriously, yesterday he goes to me.

"Man, this relationship thing is hard"
Really? No kidding.. coz last time i checked.. I was the child and you were the adult and your meant to be giving out the advice???

Men.

I had my monthly microderm, love it.. seriously I'm so addicted.
I also love the girl who does my eye brows, she does such an amazing job.
She also gave me a tip to reduce some pimples that I have, so im gonna test it and see how it goes.

Well I haven't really got much else to say.
I hope everyone had a great weekend.

I'm off too watch some bad tive.

Is someone getting the best of you?

No one's getting the best of me.
But this depression is.
I feel better, I really do.. I think all the hormones from AF was pulling me down in the last few weeks.
But I'm exhausted... and thats getting the best of me.

On Thursday night, I got around 6 and a half hours sleep.
Thats not bad, previously that would have been MORE than enough to carry me through.
But no..
I fell asleep at 7:30pm, woke up at 3:30am.
= 8 hours
Went back to sleep from 6:30am until 11:30am
= 5 hours
I didn't do a whole heap on Saturday.. I watched some movies.. Didn't burn a whole heap of energy.
Saturday night I went to bed at about 2:30am
I woke up at 9:30am
= 7 hours

By 3:30pm today I was exhausted again, I slept from 3:30 too 7:30pm
= 4 hours

Thats a total of 24 Hours Sleep in just over 48 hours.
I'm not really sad.. but this is killing me.
As much as I love sleep, is totally making me feel useless.
My gut is telling me, maybe I need to change medications.
But this one.. as hard as it is.. its working.
I don't know if I really want to risk something that might have worse side affects, or might make me worse.

Maybe I'd be able to make a decison.
If I can just stay awake.

The take down

Dear Lexapro,

We've been friends again for almost almost a full month now.
I wasn't hesistant to jump on the band wagon again, who am I too judge you.
I feel last time I wrote you off to quickly, so I thought i'd give you another chance.
I've been good, taking you as directed and always ontime.
You weren't kind at first, the dry mouth and nausea was a pain in the butt but I figured if I was going to feel better than it would be worth it.
Right?
Wrong.

The constant yawning, and daily battles between exhaustion, and insomnia are really annoying.
But again I thought I would give you the benefit of the doubt yet again.
I don't particulary like being dizzy everytime I go to get up, but thats okay. I can handle the occasional head spin, or headache.
But really, now the pins and needles in the back of my head? Everyone knows thats an annoying problem. Did you really have to be so mean.

While laying in bed this past week, trying to battle myself to sleep. Counting sheep is not working by the way.
I noticed that I was becoming incredibly itchy all over.
Mostly on my legs, and my arms.
Do I have flee's?
A skin allergy?
Have I eating something bad?

Nope thats just you, reminding me that while the chemicals your sending through my system are making there way to my brain and generally making me more happy.
There also giving me head spins, and making me itch like crazy.
Infact while im sitting here now typing this I am resisting the urge to go nuts on head.Its not lice, its you.
Asshole.

I've given you a chance, and I will keep giving you a chance. Until you prove unbearable. But really, if you could.. Lift your game just a little and cut me a break.
I know I'm doing right by you.. but please, try and be a little more friendly.

Sincerly yours,

Caragh


PS: Thanks for not making me gain any weight this past month, I do appreicate that because I know i've been stuffing my face and its gotta stop.
But again... Appreicating your effort on that one.

Blah

I hate complaining, but I need to bitch.

Work has been a total *BEEEEEEP* this week.
Flat out and run off my feet. NO idea where this week went.
Why is this happening, tomorrow will be MAY.
We will be in month 5 of the year, I turned 22 almost three months ago.
Its going to be 2 years since my dad's cancer diagnosis, tracking towards 3 years since mum died. My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

I'm still a tad angry lately, my outbursts are smaller.. But I definatly am still feeling some hostility towards people.. but its not undeserved hositlity..
In other words, im not being a *bEEEPPPPP* to anyone who hasn't been treating me like crap, or doing something that is considered stupid by many.

I am exhausted, and I know it might be work.
But I also know, its the lexapro.
Atleast one night a week, I need to be asleep before 9.
The annoying part is, im having a few freaky bad dreams which are waking me up between 2-4 am.. and I go back to sleep after I tinkle or whatever.
But those next few hours of sleep don't mean anything.
They don't count.


Right now, i'm laying in bed and I want so badly to get up and have a shower.
But I don't have the energy, I feel like I'd end up curled over and asleep in a ball.
I can focus during the day because I drink large amounts of coffee.. but thats it.

Ah.. I hate bitching....
Especially when I have nothing that is worth bitching about.
I feel guilty writting about my shity, insignificant life when there are others, people who I subscribe to, people reading this blog who have things so much worse than I do.
And I am thinking of everyone else, I am.
But I'm just annoyed that I can't be NORMAL.
I can't just be happy, and have energry.
I have to be medicated but exhausted to function.

When did life become so exhausting

BLAHhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I fail to see how sitting on my big fat ass infront of a computer all day can exhaust me so much.
Get up,take meds shower,do make up, get dressed, brush teeth and hair. Find shoes, pack lunch, get in the car, stop for a coffee, have a ciagrette, get annoyed at the traffic, get to work, start working, get distracted, back on track, get hungry, have a coffee, another cigarette, some more distriaction, have something to eat, start working..
And the list goes on and on.
HOW BORING>>> I swear 95% of those things, were done sitting down and yet im laying here in bed at 7:18PM and I could fall asleep.
But I can't, coz i'll wake up early.
And I can't coz I really want to watch this show.


I cant even faithom having to do anymore than I already do.
AND I DONT DO MUCH.

Although I did make dinner tonight, but it only took me an hour.
I generally had a really happy and good day today though.
I talked to "him" and things are just normal again.
NORMAL FFS.
Its a god damn miracle that this thick head actually got it,that I just wanted him to now treat me like one of the guys. He's calling me "man" which only a few months ago would have ANNOYED ME. But now hearing it makes me happy.
what didn't make me happy was him discussing the woman who is one of our customers, whom im almost 99.9999 % sure he had an affair with but hey i'll live.. it stabbed at me a little though but I moved on quickly


I know the tiredness is probbably a symptom of the meds,because normally on monday nights I can go and go and go.. but nope not anymore.
Anyway i'll post something more constructive when I stop being a complaining little bitch.


Caragh

Rinse & Repeat

Every friday night I have a bit of a pattern.
I come home, get online.. Read my comments, comment back.. sometimes update.
Read a couple of websites.
and illegally download the latest episode of greys straight from the US
I havent been able to follow this lately because its been off for the last couple of weeks.
I love greys.. its my guilty pleasure really.
Its the one show I cannot miss, but we were SO far behind that it was annoying me.. So i caught myself up and have been watching live ever since.
WOO HOO 9 minutes to go.
Once its finished, and I have succesfully tricked my brother into not knowing im downloading stuff(He hates this)
I will go off to get some hungry jacks (burger king) for everyone outside Australia.
Weird name huh?

I busted my gut this week and didn't leave work til almost 6 today.
But it was worth it. I got ALOT done, and I haven't had a chance to really stop and think about all those little things that eat at me on a daily basis.

I got a strange message from an old friend of mine today.
Asking me how I was. I had removed her number from my phone, but I kinda knew it was her.
I wrote back "Who is this" anyway....
She dismised the comment she had just made..
Asking me how I and my dad was (my dad had another scare a few months ago.. a seziure and a small non cancerous tumor on the brain.. they dont know what caused the seizure)
At this time she was exiting my life, because "we just didnt have fun anymore"
and we were "different people"
Instead of getting all sad like I would have done previously I said.

"I'm not in the position to sit around and wait for your friendship. Your making a mistake and I hope your okay with that"
Her life has changed quite a bit in the last 4 months, she has a new girlfriend and everything seems to be going well for her. I'm glad.
Of course i've had an up and then down few months but im on track now and generally doing ok.
I have a feeling she was going to reach out to me and see if I wanted to meet up with her but after my "who's this" message she changed her mind.
She was still rather sweet though.
In any case, I may or may not hear from her soon again.. but like I said. Not in the position to sit around waiting for her friendship.

Woo hoo 3 minutes til greys.

Umm I don't have any plans this week.
Besides
-Eat
-Sleep
-Clean
In that order... this week and these meds I think have taken a bit out of me.
I keep waking up a few hours before my alarm goes off.. then I fall back asleep.. but dont feel rested when I awaken.

EEP.

I have found some great new blogs and people I'll be checking in with through ICLW.
If your reading this and I haven't commented back yet.. sometimes I get a little stuck with my words. But over the weekend, I will no doubt track through your journals going back through the archives reading all about your stories.


Thats all folks...

It's Strange

It's amazing me how much different I'm feeling.
How much better im coping.
How much happier i've been.
But yet, I still feel so much like me.
I wake up every morning and without resistance, I get up and take my pills out of there container. I walk to the kitchen saying good morning to whoever is awake and take them.
Theres no resistance. I remember struggling last time, struggling to remember.. struggling to want to take them and feeling so zoned out.
I guess thats the bit I have to take from this, is that I never hit rock bottom.
I was struggling, don't get me wrong.
Depression and medication for depression is not something I would ever take lightly.
But I think thats the main thing that helped, I reconized within myself that I had a problem.. And that it just NEEDED to be fixed.
Before everything spun out of control.
I guess from that i'm getting i am feeling a lot more self worth.
Which is probably helping also.

I dunno, I spoke to my friend who was ill and I haven't spoken with him in more than 2 weeks. (We speak almost everyday) and he said how much more confident I sound. How much better with-in myself.
I've had the temptations alot of time this week to reach out to that person in a personal context. But I've been able to fight it. Except for that slight drunk email I sent, which he gladly ignored replying to.. But has lifted his game and kept it professional but still friendly.
I just feel like the outcome SO FAR is good, and it can only get better from here.

I'm getting better

At dealing with all the little things that get to me.
I am stronger, than I was only a few weeks ago.
I can't believe that I've come this far so quickly.
I'm getting better.
And I'm so happy.

Drugs are good mmmkay

Okay not ALL drugs are good.
But the one I am on is doing me a treat.
I can't explain how releaved I am that the lexapro has worked.
I am feeling 12093120938891092381 % better than I was just a few short weeks ago.
My negative self talk is down 123847128371827398 % as well.
I am even feeling a hell of a lot better than I was just LAST weekend.

Sometimes I feel like I am weak... Yes this specifically ONLY applies to me.
For taking medication. I could have gone straight back into therapy.
I KNOW that helped last time, but at the moment its just not practical.
I think it would do more harm than good, because I was in such a good place when I left.. and one of the main reasons I was.. was because of a certain person who is now one of the main reasons I'm now depressed again.

Love will do that to you. I hate saying that, I hate knowing that I love him.
Even though its stupid and wrong and it makes me feel pathetic and insecure.
But at the end of the day, I know the look in my eyes when I hear his voice, I know the way he can make me stomach jump and my heart flutter.
I know that given the chance, I will go into an insane rant about how fucked up this all is, and how much I wish he'd just go away and I will talk literally until I run out of breath..
Like I did last night when in the friend with my car.
And I know always given the chance, I will play the voice message that he left me the other night..
And any normal female.. even if she thinks he's a jack ass will go
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW X's a million.
Because he honestly does sound SO sweet and sincere in that message.
Even if he's always not.

I think the only thing that gives me hope about this situation is that I KNOW that it will end eventually. I know that everything I feel for him will fade away.. and he'll still be in my heart but he'll be buried beneath a few of the scars that run through it. In a few months when I actually have to look him in the eyes, in the presence of all the people we work with and pretend like NONE of this ever happened.
I am hoping & praying that I will just get through this..
And that the many lessons that I've learned from this situation will carry me through many more of the heart ache I am yet to go through in my time on this earth.

I have hope, and I have the courage to face everyday.
Right now, that..
Well that and this lexapro are all the I need

6/10

Still wrapped with having NO lexapro side affects.
I am feeling better..
I can feel that its working.. its weird.
I feel a little bit more like me.
But at the same time I still feel kinda crappy.

Bleh.

It'll get better

Natural high.. sorta

So I'm pretty much as high as a kite right now.
I haven't felt this giggly for a few months so its kinda nice.
I'm assuming, really assuming that the lexapro has kicked in.

Apart from my little melt down today about people not having manners.
(Btw, he called and said thank you)

I laughed alot today at work, which I felt guilty about actually.
I will share the crappy news first.

One of the guys I work with, he is an an athlete, he rides bikes and does marathons.
He is a really sweet guy, very kind and a family man.
I don't know 100 % of the details, but yesterday he was riding and he came off his bike. He hit his head quite badly and had bleeding on the brain. They did emergency surgery, to releave the pressure. He also smashed his shoulder quite badly. At the moment he is doing okay, he is still in intensive care but is awake and alert.
So please if you have some spare prays send them his way, as I will be.

Also my friend Bryan who i've mentioned before, he lives in another state but we are really good friends. Well he was admitted to hospital yesterday with double pnemnoia. He was not responding to treatment orally, so he will now be in there for atleast a few days on a very heavy dose of antibiotics and fluids. I was very worried about him, but he txted me last night and also today saying that he was feeling a bit better.. Finally.
So also some prayers for Bryan.


Today at work, I laughed alot.. again guilty with all the things that have been happening.
We have merchandise at work, basically which has our company logos on it, ect to promote the company(I work in marketing) anyway we were discussing different promotions that we could run with these new jackets that we got in.

They are very swanky jackets, water proof and fleecy on the inside with all the brands on them. They actually cost alot of money for something we are going to give away.
Anyway, my friend at work Mat decided to try the jacket on. For some reason, he did the jacket all the way up pretty much too his nose.. but it got stuck! So he was standing there for 10 minutes but he couldnt really get the zip.. and we were all trying to help him but it was hilarious to watch this guy shimmy his way out of a jacket. I was in stitches..
I dont know why it was so funny, it just was.. Usally hes so composed and wouldnt do soemthing so silly.. but yeah it was good to have a laugh..


I was also just talking to a friend of mine, she got back from dubai today after visiting her boyfrind who is over there on work. We are going out for her sisters birthday to a theatre restaurant. I am so excitied haven't been out in a while and I am SO feeling it this weekend it was gonna be great.


We were discussing another friend who is getting married in a few months. It's kinda bitter sweet, our friend is still pretty young. (22) she got pregant by accident on purpose at the end of 2007 and had a healthy baby boy which is great... but I dunno..
Usally when you go to a wedding its a beautiful emotional event and you see the couples love and everything..
There love kinda doesn't move me.. I dunno.. I guess that sounds a bit mean.
I am still so happy that shes found love and happiness.. but yeh I'm just not all that excited and I was just having a laugh with my friend.

Anyways, I've talked enough crap.
In summary, today 8.5/10.

x Caragh


PS:
Ya so he called me.. after more than 2 weeks now i've not speaking on the phone. It was kinda nice just to chat to him.. We talked mostly about work, and he spoke about his easter with his daughters. I have to try so hard not to melt when he speaks about them.. just the amount of love you can tell pouring out.. And he was just telling me these little stories and saying how he was tearing up because his daughter who is very independant and hates to be cuddled and picked up was snuggling with him. Yeah its hard.
But i'm moving on from THAT part of my relationship with him, and hopefully into a solid frienship. so thats good.

Easter Sunday

I am feeling alot better today.
Seriously, one day at a time is all it takes.
I didn't go out last night, infact I downloaded and enjoyed watching Milk.

Amazing movie, seriously I highly recommend it to everyone..
It actually made me very proud to be same sex attracted and very grateful that people across the world, fought to bring hope to future generations like me, and those who will come after me. But its more about civil rights, the rights of every human being who walks this earth.
Anyway, watch it.. its amazing.

However.. I kinda sorta maybe have downloaded a few too many tv shows/ that one movie this month.We have super fast cable internet (super fast by australian standards, our cable coverage is nothing compared to that of the US, or euorpe but it will be thanks to the 1 trillion million billion dollar plan layed out by the government last week, but anyways)

Long story short, my brother went away yesterday to visit with his fiance's family, and its going to come back to super capped (i'm talking 56k old school, terribly slow internet) and he's going to kill me because its a public holiday and he can't call and beg them to extend our download limit.
I'm REALLY hoping that he doesn't yell at me too much, violence is not the answer Matthew.. Yeh my brother plays WOW he is going to be VERY upset with me.

I took myself out for breakfast/brunch/lunch but forgot that nothing is open today because the government has ruled that they aren't aloud to be..
So pretty much nothing was open, but I found a cafe' and had something to eat and coffee. Read my Cosmo.. I swear i'm not girly, but trashy mag's are my weakness.

Anyway I don't have much planned for the rest of the day.

Lexapro side effects= None. Zero. Zip. For 5 days in thats pretty damn good, I have slept alot though.

I really feel like going to visit mums grave soon, mothers day is coming up.. I went last year but dad and I were fishing up there. I don't think he'd go up with me this year. I could go now If I think about it, its a beautiful day.
hmmm hard

I hope everyone has had a nice easter.

Winning makes me happy

So I ventured off to football...
ALONE.
People say alone like its such a bad thing, I'm my best friend.
Is there anything wrong with that?
Sure sometimes its nice to have company, but its not always appropriate.
I'm in a depression, the last thing and I mean REALLY the last thing I want to do is drag someone else down with me.
Nope, If im going to sink I refuse to bring anyone aboard to sink with me.
But i'm not going to sink, no no thats what the lexapro is for to help me stay above water.

My team won, which makes me happy.
Yup..

I had chinese food.. that makes me happy and sad because its hell bad for ya.
hmm

I'm downloading the movie Milk.... its almost half way finished.
That makes me happy.

Overall today is about a 7.5/10

Still trying to work out if im going to see my exgood friend tomorrow..
Hmmmm
Thinking thinking thinking

The sun will come out tomorrow

Yes.. I'm feeling better.
Much better actually..
I would rate today thus far about a 6.5/10
No lexapro side affects today
SCORE

I'm just about to get myself out of bed, put on some half decent clothes and take myself off to a football match.
Yes i'm going alone, which is slightly pathetic but at the same time even if we loose I know it will make me feel a damn lot better.

A friend of mine has been pushing me to hang out with her (okay an ex girlfriend who I quite possibly want to have sex with) We were meant to do it today but I dont think im quite up for the company yet. I feel bad because I know she set aside time for me..
but nope not feeling it today..
Still feeling rather un-sexy.

For anyone who follows mck mamma, Stellan is out of the PICU
YAY much

okay..
I'm going to move..
Right
about
now

Lexapro day 3

Okay so clearly if you read the post below this one..
I'm not having the best day.
I was awake very early, still not feeling the best in the tum.
Lil dizzy and such.
I am down, I will admit that....
I think my brain Stupid fucked up brain that it is is just adjusting to the meds.
So at the moment, im not a happy girl.
Needless to say I had a nap, and I feel a bit better.. not a whole bunch but a bit.
I'm angry.
Angry that I'm here again.
But I realise that my anger, will not change anything.. nor will it make it go away.
I've just got to take each day as it comes and fight each small battle I have with myself.
My heart aches, all I want in this world is just a hug.. ya know.
I'm not a fancy girl, don't buy me something, don't take me anywhere..
Just hold me, and we'll be just fine.

God please give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.
Thats the strength I need right now, to accept everything just as it is.
And too move on.

I planned to try and have a fun weekend this long weekend..
I don't know if thats still a possibility..
The only thing that excites me at all is that im going to make lasange to take into the boys at work next week.. yes see I have no life.

I'm sorry this is so depressing.. seriously I can be a funny and upbeat and crazy (good crazy) character..
I just cant seem to get it out of me lately.

Anyway..
I'm off to get some food!!

Random statements

1. Doctor thinks despite break through bleeding, that i'm okay.. but because I was concerened refered me to a hospital to see a GYNO.. I don't know how I feel about that...
2. She thinks I should go on the pill, and see how I go and then decide about seeing the GYNO..
3. Possible endometriosis, I don't know how I feel about that... I don't really know enough.....
4.I will try and educate myself, but not think about it too much
5.. Abnormal Pap smear with HPV result, not related?
6. Tomorrow morning I am offically on Lexapro again. 10mg, we'll see how we go.. must admit.. I am taking this to help with the agression and sadness I am at times experiencing.. PRAYING to god that I don't have bad side effects, I didnt last time.. also preying it will help me to get up and going and possibly loose some weight.
7. I have lasted 6 days without talking to him, he hasn't tried to call me.. Only on email "I miss you, please call me"
8. I can't not yet, not strong enough but I will be.

9. I am feeling a bit funny in the tummy right now, I want a hot chocolate but i'm scared of what it will do to me.

10. I think thats about all, I'm going to start documenting my Lexapro takings and moods and stuff.. just a small note so If I reflect back in the future that I'll have something to look to.

Choices Choices Choices

Sigh..
I've been avoiding having this conversation with myself for a while now.
In July 2007, I had an operation to break my jaw and reset it.
I had an underbite.. kind of like a bull dog, where my bottom jaw stuck out.
This condition bothered me MOST of my life.. I had braces for 3 years.
2 cancelled attempted surgeries only a few days before each time.

My dad had just been diagnosed with cancer when I got the all clear to have it done.
The week before my surgery, he had complications from chemo and was put into hospital for terrible blood clots.

On the morning of my surgery,I went in alone.
And waited alone, after not having much sleep at all.
The surgery went well, without a hitch. I woke up extremely sore, my face packed with ice and my dad had finally had been discharged.
My doctor was very kind, not only offering me an extra day in hospital because I had no one to care for me at home, but eventually when I got the bill he had medicared most of the expenses related to the surgery, which meant I only had to pay a small gap.. which ended up being 3, or 4 thousand dollars less than it should have.
It was a small victory.

I recovered.. slowly looking after myself was tough, I needed my mum but she was there with me in spirit.
Just over two weeks later I went back to work.. during the time my jaw was broken and sealed shut.. I lost alot of weight.
I estimate about 5-8 kilos in a two week period.
I had no idea how heavy I was until everyone started commenting.
In Novemeber after realising that my pants had started to fall down.. I thought I should continue on this road to weight loss..
I joined lite n easy(meal program) and curves.
I stuck with both of these things for atleast 2 months.

During this time I got down to my lowest weight in a long while( Around 74 kg's) still alot I know but I hadn't been that small in ages.

I was battleing my demons still, depresion was heavy.
Mood swings and aniexty.
It was around the same time, that I started taking an anti depressant called lexapro.

It improved my mood dramatically, I also started therapy.
Because I was feeling so great my doctor suggested uping my dosage to see if it would help.
The drug had a few side affects.. nausea.. but I was feeling so much more confident and happy that it didnt matter.

After new years I fell off the weight loss bandwagon.
A few months after that I stopped taking lexapro(without consulting the doctor ) and on piled the weight.
It was slow at first.. but then my eating habits went to shit.. literally.
I was still in therapy and feeling better so I didnt notice the weight gain so much...

Ironically since being at my lowest weight which was around 74 on a good morning.
I am now 91 kg's again.

To me this is only... 12 kilos since I started curves (coz i was 79) but its 17 kilos since I was at my lowest.
Ironically almost all my old clothes still fit me... I guess they were too big in the first place.
I feel bigger SO MUCH BIGGER its hard to imagine i was ever this big. But I had to be I guess.
I'm tempted to pull out my fat pants (the ones that once feel down while i was at work and were literally around my ankles..) luckily I had a long shirt on.


I haven't been feeling the best lately.. because of my weight... because of the situations I get myself into.. everything in general.
So I'm considering going back on lexapro.. but I dont think its for the right reasons.
I think its because I want to see if it will help me loose this weight.
Honestly.. I did feel so much better on it.. but I dont know if it was cos of the moods.. or the weight gain.

I'm so torn.
I think I might make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.. I want to talk to her about my pap results and WHY I have to go back in a year instead of two years.
I think I will go back on the drug.. to see if it will help with everything overall.
But most of all.. I really want it to help me shift some of this weight.

I don't feel like me anymore, and I know it shouldn't define me.. but it does.
I was only 9 kilos from my goal weight, now im 26 Kilos from my goal weight.
It hurts.

Anyway.. I'm not sure what to do.. but i'll keep you all posted.

I'm feeling a bit energetic so im going to grab my ipod, and my dog and go for a walk.