Booooo

Almost the weekend.
Counting down.
Today we had breakfast at our facilities at work.
It was nice.. mmm bacon & eggs.
So right.. but so so so wrong.

He is giving me the shits.
That man, is giving me the absoulte shits.
I KNOW he cares about me, but to what extent.
I got an email this morning, and he pointed out something he said on the phone yesterday.
He dropped the L bomb.
Nope wasn't the first time it happened, but it was the most sincere it had ever sounded. It kinda slipped out..
You know that does happen.. Like when you say it for the first time to someone, It kinda just falls out of your mouth.
Word vomit.
That's what it sounds like.
OMG stop anaylsing it Caragh, it means NOTHING.

My jaw is killing me, who would have thought that metal and bone togerther would ache so much.
It certainly is aching.

I was speaking with me IF friend last night.
He hasn't ever gone into detail about his 7 IVF cycles... apart from the loss of his twins.
But last night he did..
I asked why they needed to use IVF, was it Male factor? Female? Both? Unexplained?
Well for them, it was unfortunatly both.
My friend has a low sperm count and low mobility? I think thats right.
Well thats what he said.
His wife even with fertility meds, was only able to produce a small number of eggs.
The most they ever got was 5 eggs.
There son was concieved on a cycle with only 3 eggs.
I suspect he was the perfect little embryo coz he is such a great kid.
The cause of his wifes infertility was most likely due to abuse she suffered as a child.
This makes me angry, not just because she was abused.. but because even after the abuse stopped it still haunted her.
She had a hysterecomy at age 30. After the 7 IVF's and $85,000 + worth of treatment.
One amazing child. She had to have a hystercomy.
I am scared that my own abuse may affect my ability to concieve..
I'm scared for all the women I know who have been sexually abused.
I'm sad for all the BFN's, miscariages and chemical pregnancies I have seen in the last few months when I've been around the blogging circle.
I am eleated to see BFP's and progress. Happiness and Joy streaming from the words of the couples that suffer so much through this.
The truth is, even though my friend got his miracle baby.. I am still sad for him and everything they had to go through.
I feel so much for everyone who is taking this unfair ride and struggling with IF.
And I know I can't understand, coz i'm not there.
But sometimes, seeing all these amazing people suffer.. I wish I could for a day, or a week, or a year.. Take their place. So the strain would be less.
I wish I could.

But I can't.

- Caragh