Interesting Day..

Today wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be...
I dunno its my third mothers day without my mum here with me on earth.
I woke up and didn't feel such a heavyness on my heart.
I went and brought some flowers....
Got a large coffee and I was on my way.
My mother's resting place is around 2 hours away from my house, its up in the "country" where my aunty and uncle live.
Its the place that my mum would have retired too and in a way I guess she is.
I was really frustrated with some of the sunday drivers out there, there was a women who was quite old.. going 40 KM's an hour in a 100 KM zone.
Very frustrating and it put me quite behind.. not that I was in a rush.

When I got the cemetary I was hit with a small wave of sadness.
I trecked down to my mums grave..
Usally when I get there, I instantly want to say hello.. then goodbye and leave.
But this time, I sat.. for atleast 20 minutes I sat and thought of my mum.


Afer that I went and had some lunch, which took a REALLY long time.
Then I was on my way back home, and on the way I took some photos which I will now share.
One of these is obviously very personal.








There is one pick of my mum's grave obviously, one of the cemetary, a few of the beautiful Australian bush.
And one very sad picture of the damaged tree's from the bushfires that hit feb.

I hope everyone's had a good day.

XXX
Caragh

Happy Mothers Day

Dear Mum,

I can't believe its been 523 days since you left this world.
I remember it like it was only yesterday, as I awoke suddenly as you took your last breaths.
I remember the instant devestatation that fell over me, the thought that I would never hear your voice, or feel your arms around me again.
Your soul had already left us, but as I sat beside you.. singing some of our songs.
I hoped that if I squeezed your hand tight enough, or begged any harder you would come back to me.
But it wasn't too be.
There are no words for how much I love you.
There will never be anything that can describe how much I miss you.
How at times I am so angry, so sad, cynical, bitter and depressed that you had to leave when you did.
At 49 years of age, you did not deserve to die.
But no one ever deserves to die.

You were the best mum anyone could have ever asked for.
I didn't always know that.. But I know that now and thats what's important.
Some days I wake up and still don't believe that you are gone.
I know that might sound stupid but its the truth.. sometimes I know I can feel you with me... When I need you the most. But so much of the time I feel alone.
I know that a peice of me will always be missing without you here.
But as you said, life must go on and we must learn how to be happy again.
I don't always follow those words of advice, but I ALWAYS try to.

I will always do my best to honor your memory..
To remember your face, your voice, the way you smelt and the way you would hold me when I was upset.

You are, and always will be the most important person in my life.
Who guided and will continue to guide me down this tricky road called life.

I miss you.
I love you now, and always.

Your daughter,

Caragh

xxx

One of our many songs-

Joan Baez- Forever Young

May God bless and keep you always.
May your wishes all come true.
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.

May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
And may you stay
Forever young.

May you grow up to be rightous.
May you grow up to be true.
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you.

May you always be courageous,
Stand upright, and be strong
And may you stay
Forever young.

Forever young.
Forever young.
May you stay
Forever young.

May your hands always be busy.
May your feet always be swift.
May you have a strong foundation
When the winter changes shift.

May your heart always be joyful.
May your song always be sung
And may you stay
Forever young.

Forever young.
Forever young.
May you stay
Forever young.

Giggles

My brother is listening to Taylor Swift- love story.
I've caught him a few times listening to my Itunes selection..
Being the hopeless romantic cynical bitch that I am..
My itunes is filled with hope.. its 64.99 percent loves songs.

Share with me people, some of your favourite songs.
Love songs or others?

My body clock

Is so very messed up...
I guess I went to bed far to late last night.
I got up this morning at 10am, took myself off to the movies.
I went and saw 'ghosts of girlfriends past'
It wasn't a great movie, but it wasn't the worst.
The only thing I ate today until about 10 minutes ago was some popcorn.
I came straight home, and for some reason by about 3pm..
I was exhausted..
Like couldnt keep my eyes open.
So.. what to do..
I slept.. from 3 til 9pm.
oops.
I just got up and went and got some dinner.
And now, i'm wide awake.
This is where I probably will stay for a few hours now..
Ah well, I don't have much to do tomorrow.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

And I'm done..

I couldn't put it down, as tired as I am..
And as cold as it outside..
I had to finish it tonight..

The secret life of bee's- by Sue Monk Kidd
Check out some reviews on amazon.

XX Night all

Unexpected Happiness

Is always the best kind.
I didn't have the BEST day today.
But I didn't have worst.. with regards to work.
I was happy when home time rolled around... Happier knowing next week for MOST of the time I will have the department all too myelf as all of the guys will be at a trade exhibition.
That will be nice to just work, and have some piece and quite.

I came home from work and immediatly got stuck into "the secret life of bee's"
I'm loving it more as time goes on.
I then, like most friday nights downloaded greys anatomy and watched it.
I had planned to meet up with some friends to go out for dinner.. but when I turned up at 8pm dressed rather casually, and my friends the same we sat around and discussed the books we were reading. We even toyed with the idea of starting a little book club.
Looking back to 10 years ago when we first met, I never would have thought that was possible. I was a complete book worm, but they weren't.
My my how times have changed and how they've both grown..
We talked about funny memories from the past, and our furtures.
My friend is moving in with her boyfriend, who is 24 years her senior.. my other friend is using the economic crisis as a means to travel overseas. She is coming to the states in a few months and was talking all about her trip.
When then went and got some take-out..
Talking and laughing like old times.

On the way over, I found myself dancing and singing in the car.
Feeling happy, real happy.. not fake happy.
I wasn't to happy to be leaving my nice warm bed and venturing out.. but as soon as I knew I was close to seeing those familiar faces.
I was unexpectdly happy.
I loved every damn second of it.

Here I go again.. back into the secret life of bee's

I forgot

How much I loved to read.
This is something that has been lost in the course of my life over the last 5 years.
I read often, and all through highschool.
Right up until the end, and then I stopped.
My friend got me a very good book for my birthday, but it took me weeks to read it.
My mind was always swimming with thought and I just simply couldnt focus.
I am also one of those people who, a book has to speak to me.
The title has to jump out at me, I know this sounds so weird.
Its not the cover, there could be the most attractive person on the cover.
But a boring title.
No thanks..
Again I'm not sure why.. its weird.

I read trashy magazines.. all the time.
I fill my mind with senseless drivle..
But it doesn't fill me. Never. But it does the job I guess.

Yesterday during lunch I was walking past a book store that I'd walked past 50 times and I was drawn in. I strolled up and down the fiction section, picking up all the titles that appealed to me.
Then in an instant I settled.
"The secret life of bee's"

It is a beautiful book, one that I am more than half way through after only a few short hours.
But due to the fact that I woke up at 5:30AM, I am now paying for my choice to not go back to sleep for another hour. In actual fact I have written these last few sentances with my eyes closed.
There awake again, and so am I.
It feels good to be alive right now.

So I will close the window, turn off the light.
Crawl under my covers and possibly dream of the secret life of bee's

And ending..

Is a new beginning or so they say.
I just watched the final episode of scrubs.
I haven't always liked scrubs, infact it was only a few years ago when my humour kind of changed that I decided it was hilarious.
I've seen every episode.
I am not a fan of the way most tv series end.
Infact some of the series endings I disliked are;
Friends, The OC, & dont even get me started on the L WORD!
MY GOD.

All crap.

But the scrubs ending was perfect.
Everything wasn't tied into a neat little ball....
It wasn't perfect, but it got me to show some emotion...
Which is hard to do lately, I'm pretty numb.

Endings.....

I could start talking about death right now, but I totally wont.. Because even though its stuck in my mind now.. I just can't. I totally don't have the energy

I'm going to pay for this later

I've been awake since 5:30am.. not suprising since I'm pretty sure I was out of it by 9:30pm last night.. Nanna much..
I'm not the early to bed, early to rise type.
I'm the early to bed, and then again LATE to rise type.
Because I'm a sleepaholic.
I had this really crazy dream that I just randomly hacked off all my hair and got a pixie cut.
I COULD SO NOT PULL OF A PIXIE CUT>>>>
I don't have the cheek bones for it, well I do they are just hidden behind lots of chub.
Loves it.

I've got lots to do today, but its not really anything that I WANT to do..
Needless to say it must be done, and its my job to do it...
Ahhh my job.

My brothers girlfriend whos a teacher had a hard day yesterday..
Shes just a graduate and she got into a stouch with the vice principal.
Not the smartest move.
Her words, also weren't used very well.... thus for he was able to use them againts her. Also, not the smartest move.

I admire all teachers, infact I wanted.. or want to be one.
I am aware that its a very tough job.
I'm sad that this happened only a few months into her teaching career, but it was going to happen.
Bullying is rife in the workplace, I delt with it for YEARS.
I could be bitter, and snyical and belive me at times I totally was.
But I live by the saying
"It's not what happens in your life that defines you, its how you deal with it that defines you"

I won't ever let anyone get in the way of me doing my job again.
With that said..
Better get cracking

Beating the odds

As most of you reading this will know my mother died almost 2 and a half years ago of breast cancer.
6 Months after my mum died, my dad was diagnosed with a large and aggressive tumor of the esophagus.

He had 3 months of solid chemo.
The tumor shrunk and he had a 9 hour surgery to remove the tumor, and then for his esophagus to be reconstructed with part of his stomach.
Follow up was another 4 months of chemo.

When my dad was first diagnosed, I did my research.
The statistics where not good.
Only 20-30 % of these cancers ever become operable.
Dad tumour was large im talking base ball sized tumor to the point where he lost 8 kilos in one week from throwing up so much..
We assumed it was depression.

His treatment was not easy, it was long and painful.
He developed blood clots.
A bad infection in his pick like (This is an IV that goes threw the arm and directly above the muscles near the heart in order to get the chemo in quicker)
He had chemo pretty much non stop for 7 months as it was always on him.
My dad did not have high hopes, at first the doctors wouldnt even give him odds.
The odds he gave were not good.
For anyone who's had a loved one pass, the look on someones face when a doctor tells you someone may die, is not a good one.
I've seen that face too many times.


Today marked almost 2 years since dad diagnosis, reading through my old journals I found it hard to process everything that was going on.
At the same time I was having a very messy and LONGGGGGGGG break up.
I also had my jaw surgery.
But most of all, I was so scared of losing my dad.
He may be at times a giant pain in the ass, but he is a GOOD man, a HARD WORKING man, who didn't deserve any of the things thrown at him.

I know there's no positive side to cancer, but my dad was morbidly obeses.
He lost around 35-40 Kgs (90lbs) because of the cancer.
This in itself has changed his life.

My dad is currently in remission.
Only 2 years in, he has survived more than 75 % of people diagnosed with this cancer.
As time moves forward, his odd's get better.
I am realistic, but optimistic that my dad will live to be a silly old man. (He's only 50)
I love him more than words can say, and I'm so glad he's still beside me as I walk through life.
Coz I couldn't imagine it without him.

Congrats to you dad, for being the odds.

Meaningful Post... not really

Yup this is post number 100.
I can't believe I'm here sooooo soon.
But I guess I do talk alot... that will never change.

Just to say.
I really want to thank everyone for there sweet thoughts and comments.
It makes such a difference in my bloggy life, knowing that people care enough to read my story.
Especially when all the amazing women and a few men, have there own stories, heartache and moments to share.

My last post was about my dad, and how I was dealing with his girlfriend.
He came to the footy with me, it was nice very nice to spend some 1 on 1 time with him.
Although he left a little early, he loved watching the game again.. which is something he'd forgotten all about.

He was meant to come home last night, but his girlfriend posioned her cat.
Yes you read that right, she posioned it.
It was an accident.
Well thats her story.
She gave it the dog tick treatment, instead of the cat treatment and the cat was very sick and put into intensive car.
So my dad wont be home for a few days.
Yup.
I know, its weird right.. Its not just me.
The one day my dads meant to come home, and the cat almost dies.
Apparently its not the first one she's hurt.

Other than bitching about my dad and his cat-hurting girlfriend.
Mothers day is hittting me hard this year, its everywhere.

Work is driving me nuts, its crazy busy. But good I guess.
I had my third microderm today, and I'm addicted my skin feels amazing.
"He" is still giving me a bit of grief, but im dealing.

Well I better run, I've got blogs to read!

XX

I was going to nap.. however

I need to get this off my chest.

My dad.

I love my dad, we have always been close.
Even thought I KNOW I spent more time with my mother as a child, I can more so remember the time I spent with my dad. I remember him waking me each morning when it was still dark out, changing my nappy,dressing me and giving me a large bottle full of warm milk. I know this sounds unbelieveable, especially since I would have been under two. But I remember this. I remember him driving me to my Nana's house each morning, taking me in as I was half asleep and laying me into my crib that I had there.

As I grew, we did more and more things togerther. Not always huge things, but still.
He would take me too the football from the time i was about 7 years old.
This continued right up until this time last year.

Enter- The girlfriend J.

Dad met J when he went SPEED DATING.
When dad told me he wanted to date, I thought the idea was a joke.
But he'd signed up when he was drunk, paid for it. So he was going..
This was about 16 months after my mum had died, I thought it was too soon but who was I too judge.

He had a few nice little dates, 7/10 women wanted to see him again.
Thats a pretty great number for speed dating.

He went out on a date with J straight away, they apparently hit it off and were talking for hours. I was sceptical.
He went on a few more dates, and then she invited him over to her home for dinner.
After only knowing him a few short weeks and only having met him a few times.
Weird.
J has a 7 year old daughter. I wouldn't expose my child to a relationship that I didnt know was going anywhere so quickly. I thought this was weird.

Eventually dad started seeing her more and more often..
Weekends that were once reserved for me.
Now went to her.
I delt...

One time he promised to take me somewhere, and instead he took her.
I was devestated. He claimed I wasn't supporting his attemps to be happy.
Maybe I wasn't completly. But I DID and DO want him to be happy.

I know people are reading this and thinking, get over it.
Don't be jealous, let your dad be happy.
Parent enter into new relationships all the time, its not a big deal.

Thats how alot of people took this situation.
Divorce is terrible, its hard and upseting for parents and children alike.
But death is different.

I am torn between wanting my dad to find happiness, and fufulling my obligations to my mother who is no longer with us.
At first I was upset, it was too soon.

After I met her, things changed completely.
When I look into the mirror, I am torn. I have my mothers eyes, amoungts many other things that I inherited from her.

When she died she wrote me a letter, it was brief. It basically said to look after myself, but she knew i'd be fine. Watch out for my brothers, and for my dad.
That he was a good man, and that he would find someone.
And that I'd know if she was a good person.

When I met J, she wasn't overly friendly.
She didn't make much of an effort to talk to me, or get to know my other family members who were there.
I survived by going off with her daughter, C and playing video games.

She even went so far as too call my Dad, and my uncle..
Knobs.

Infont of everyone who was there, even her daughter.

Worse still was the fact, that she was bossy... needed to be the centre of attention, I could go on. But I don't want it to seem like im attacking someone I don't even know very well.
But the thing that got me most was that my dad.. Treated her like a princess.
Catering to her every whim.
This was hard to watch, as my parents relationship was far from perfect, but they stayed togerther for almost 30 years. That was there choice, at times I didn't support it, begged that they would end it. But in the end they loved each other.
Who was I too judge.

Over the next few months, they spent more and more time togerther.
Which equalled less time for me and my dad, he became disintrested in us.
And would come home crabby, because he wanted to be with her.
Wanted to be needed by her. It drove, no wait.. it drives me nuts.

During christmas I assumed dad would spend it with us. I was wrong. He attended HER family function. I atteneded my brothers girlfriends family..
It was my first christmas without either of my parents.
It sucked ass.

Dad and I became less like best friends and more like strangers.
I was angry at him for not wanting to spend time with me, he was angry because I wasn't supporting him.
It all blew up into a huge fight, which left me screaming at him so loud I actually thought I broke the speaker on my phone.
He didn't speak to me for a few days.. I persisted, telling him I was his daughter and there was nothing he could do that would change that.

A few days later I got a text message from him saying

"I love you very much, but you drive me nuts like your mum"

Fight was over.

Things have been okay ever since, I still don't see him much.
He is with J & C most of the time on the other side of town.
She is also going through a depression and trying to get herself off her current dose of meds, one that is way to high and fucking her up completely.

I have seen her a few more times, not much recently.
I haven't warmed to her that much, she is kind to me... But it feels fake.
It feels forced..
Like she would care for him more if he didn't have all the baggage.
Dispite the fact that she has her own.

I was thrillllllllllled this week when dad said he had tickets to the football and he wanted me to go with him.
He suggested we meet for lunch before hand, up until last night i was really excited.
He txt me saying he was definatly coming.

This morning he cancelled lunch, he's still meeting me there in about two hours.
Part of me wanted to jump up and down, part of me wanted to scream or cry.
It wouldn't make any difference.

I can't make him want to spend time with me.
I can't make him fall out of love with her....
As much as it pains me to say, thats what this is.
People do stupid things when they are in love.

But I do want my dad back, before its too late.
Before the bond we had, that was unbreakable finally tears.
I lost my mum, I did. I'm without her and it hurts me every single day.
I can't live without my dad too

If you look up lazy in the dictionary

You will find my picture.
No motiviation, I suck.
I was having really bad thoughts last night.
Really bad, thoughts about dying before i've really even lived.
It upset me.

I'm meant to be meeting my dad in a few hours.
I really and I mean REALLY can't be bothered.
But I know if I don't go I'll disapoint myself and set myself up for a shitty week.

I went to the casino last night.
Yeah I know, gambling is bad.
but its SO GOOD.
I played poker for a few hours, and I lost a little bit of cash-ish.
But its okay.
I could afford to.;
Suprisingly im getting better at managing my monthly finances.
As long as I dont have any little suprises around the corner, I'll be a-ok.

I didn't do my washing yesterday.
And I haven't vacumed the floor, or cleaned the car.

After my scary thoughts last night I couldnt sleep, and I woke up pretty darn early to.
ANNOYING much.
Bleh

I'm a sook.
I know.. I know..

I played wow

I didnt really play wow.. my brother was teasing me just now saying I wasn't smart enough to play.
So I ran around in a circle on the computer screen and now I have successfully played wow.
POO you big brother.

I totally failed last night.
Was in bed asleep by like 10:30.
I woke up a few times during the night but managed to sleep til about 9:30.
Got up, went out for breakfast and a quick drive.

I came home, threw my sheets and such in the washing machine.
Now I wait for it to finish and hang it on the line.
I also cleaned out a whole bunch of crap from my room that had been piling up.
I've got much more to do.
I've also gotta vaccum, hopefully dust, and then clean my filthy car.
Ah I'am now glad I had an early night then arent I.

I hate checking my bank account any day after the 1st of the month.
All my bills are gone by this time usally and I am left with whatever til I get paid.
I hate being paid monthly.
But I also would hate being paid weekly, coz all my bills are monthly.
Its a no win situation.
Hey, atleast I have a job and im being paid.
A well paid job for someone of my age with no formal qualifications or anything.
I realise I'm bitching so im gonna stop myself.
This entry came about rather quickly.

I am feeling okay today.
Decided to skip my period this month.
I deserve it.
Not sure what this will mean for my appointment at the hospital next month, which if it serves me right falls around the same time at the end of the month.
So we'll see.. not sure if im gonna go.
I don't want them to laugh in my face saying
"YOU HAD SOME PELVIC PAIN"
"A BREAK THROUGH PERIOD"
And now you expect to be taking seriously by a gyno.
HA
Well see..
well see

Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend.

X

Caragh

The take down

Dear Lexapro,

We've been friends again for almost almost a full month now.
I wasn't hesistant to jump on the band wagon again, who am I too judge you.
I feel last time I wrote you off to quickly, so I thought i'd give you another chance.
I've been good, taking you as directed and always ontime.
You weren't kind at first, the dry mouth and nausea was a pain in the butt but I figured if I was going to feel better than it would be worth it.
Right?
Wrong.

The constant yawning, and daily battles between exhaustion, and insomnia are really annoying.
But again I thought I would give you the benefit of the doubt yet again.
I don't particulary like being dizzy everytime I go to get up, but thats okay. I can handle the occasional head spin, or headache.
But really, now the pins and needles in the back of my head? Everyone knows thats an annoying problem. Did you really have to be so mean.

While laying in bed this past week, trying to battle myself to sleep. Counting sheep is not working by the way.
I noticed that I was becoming incredibly itchy all over.
Mostly on my legs, and my arms.
Do I have flee's?
A skin allergy?
Have I eating something bad?

Nope thats just you, reminding me that while the chemicals your sending through my system are making there way to my brain and generally making me more happy.
There also giving me head spins, and making me itch like crazy.
Infact while im sitting here now typing this I am resisting the urge to go nuts on head.Its not lice, its you.
Asshole.

I've given you a chance, and I will keep giving you a chance. Until you prove unbearable. But really, if you could.. Lift your game just a little and cut me a break.
I know I'm doing right by you.. but please, try and be a little more friendly.

Sincerly yours,

Caragh


PS: Thanks for not making me gain any weight this past month, I do appreicate that because I know i've been stuffing my face and its gotta stop.
But again... Appreicating your effort on that one.