Lost

I am a
22 year year old young woman
A Perfectly imperfect soul
An over anaylsing
Stumpy
Under achieving
Formly sexually abused
Overly sarcastic
Always opinionated
Giving more than i've got
Now a motherless daughter
Previously self harming
Who cares too much
Loves so unconditionally
Swears occasionally constantly
Dresses appropriatly
Smiles infrequently
Laughs too loudly
Burps too often
Critasizes herself too much
Bruises too easily
Looses her cool too quickly

I'm real.
I'm broken.

Blah

I hate complaining, but I need to bitch.

Work has been a total *BEEEEEEP* this week.
Flat out and run off my feet. NO idea where this week went.
Why is this happening, tomorrow will be MAY.
We will be in month 5 of the year, I turned 22 almost three months ago.
Its going to be 2 years since my dad's cancer diagnosis, tracking towards 3 years since mum died. My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

I'm still a tad angry lately, my outbursts are smaller.. But I definatly am still feeling some hostility towards people.. but its not undeserved hositlity..
In other words, im not being a *bEEEPPPPP* to anyone who hasn't been treating me like crap, or doing something that is considered stupid by many.

I am exhausted, and I know it might be work.
But I also know, its the lexapro.
Atleast one night a week, I need to be asleep before 9.
The annoying part is, im having a few freaky bad dreams which are waking me up between 2-4 am.. and I go back to sleep after I tinkle or whatever.
But those next few hours of sleep don't mean anything.
They don't count.


Right now, i'm laying in bed and I want so badly to get up and have a shower.
But I don't have the energy, I feel like I'd end up curled over and asleep in a ball.
I can focus during the day because I drink large amounts of coffee.. but thats it.

Ah.. I hate bitching....
Especially when I have nothing that is worth bitching about.
I feel guilty writting about my shity, insignificant life when there are others, people who I subscribe to, people reading this blog who have things so much worse than I do.
And I am thinking of everyone else, I am.
But I'm just annoyed that I can't be NORMAL.
I can't just be happy, and have energry.
I have to be medicated but exhausted to function.

Online poker

With real money
IS
EVIL

Ah well
Ya win some, ya lose some.
I lost some.

Fur babies

I have mentioned my fur babies before.
Max is almost 10 *cries* & Molly is 1 & a Half.

This is a picture of them.
Excuse the quality..
Crap camera..
which was good back in the day, it takes AGES to process when the flash is on.
So by the time the flash goes off, Max squints coz he doesn't like the bright lights.
So we are without Flash.

WOOT

I'm on a winner today.
For once I'm not feeling like a fat ugly slob.

I'm probably just feeling better because I've had my eye brows waxed, eye lashes tinted. My skin is clearing up, and my hair is doing what its meant to for ONCE.

I've also got through a fair bit of work.

I've had a nice lunch. Egg's benedict and a yummy coffee.
I love breakfast, if I could only eat one meal for the day that would be it.

Because I went to lunch early.
I'm now going to spend my "second lunch" commenting and reading everyone's blogs.
Because all the boys are out, and I can do what I want..

Ah haaa

Freedom.

Hope everyone is having a super day, and a fantastic week.

My strange taste in Music...

I've always had a strange taste in Music.
I like songs that date back as early as the 40's/50's Yes I know that sounds weird.
One of my FAVOURITE songs is
"The birds and the bee's"

Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees
and the flowers and the trees,
the moon up above, and the thing
called love.

I remember hearing this song about 8 or 9 years ago and I knew the lyrics and it was driving me nuts because I literally could NOT remember hearing it.. or knowing the song.
I asked my mum and she laughed & then smiled.
"I used to play that song all the time, when you were about 1 you would pull yourself up in your cot and shake your little butt along to the beat"

Recently I've also been LOVING

The Cure- Pictures of you

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel


The song obviously touches a nerve in me.. and would in many.
But its a beautiful song.


And last but sadly least :( Cos this is LAME.
I heard this song on the way home.

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

Yes thats Miley Cyrus, and yes I'm kind of ashmed.
But she has some good people writting songs for her, god damn if it wasn't for the lyrics i'd hate the song.


Today didn't turn out so badly after all.
I got alot of things done..
I was stressing about this promotion I had put togerther, about it being rejected by my boss after I had put so much energy into the concept and putting the work togerther.
I was scared he would just say.. "No"
He's a bit like that, hard to pick. He either loves something or he hates it.

But he loved it, and he was really impressed with my effort and also the effort of "that man"
So yeh, we make a good team.

After work I got my fortnightly eye brow wax.
I love the place I go to, the girls are SO nice and they actually take the time and are very carefull not to take to much or do what you don't want.
Its a little more expensive than most places, but SO worth it.
I also got a spur of the moment eye lash tint..
I don't like mascara.. I always pick it off.
And because I'm now using mineral makeup, it means there is just less stuff to do in the morning.

After THAT.. i know my day sounds long huh.
I took myself out to dinner.
It took them a minute to work out that
NO THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE COMING TO ORDER ON MY TABLE.
OMG I WAS A SINGLE GENERATION Y FEMALE HAVING DINNER BY HERSELF!
Then I happened to put 5 dollars into a poker machine (slot machine)
And I won $150
All in all a good day.


I haven't seen my dad in a week or more.. I miss him.
His girlfriend is going through some stuff, so he's trying to be there for her as much as he can.
He also got tickets to the football for us, and said we will go out for lunch on Sunday.
I haven't been to a game with him in months, so that would be great.

I have a very cute Fur baby molly, who is just about to go on heat.
So she's very clingy at the moment so we are cuddling.
I'm giving her some space from my other dog Max, who is after her at the moment.
Poor little hormonal thing.

Well anyone who read this deserves a medal.
I'm going to read/comment on some blogs.
Have a shower.
Do some washing.
& then go to bed.


Hope everyone is having a good start to the week

I dont know why

But I just feel really ANNOYED but only with myself today.
Its bizare.
I hate being angry, but I hate being angry at myself even more.
ARGH.

Today is destined to suck ass

When did life become so exhausting

BLAHhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I fail to see how sitting on my big fat ass infront of a computer all day can exhaust me so much.
Get up,take meds shower,do make up, get dressed, brush teeth and hair. Find shoes, pack lunch, get in the car, stop for a coffee, have a ciagrette, get annoyed at the traffic, get to work, start working, get distracted, back on track, get hungry, have a coffee, another cigarette, some more distriaction, have something to eat, start working..
And the list goes on and on.
HOW BORING>>> I swear 95% of those things, were done sitting down and yet im laying here in bed at 7:18PM and I could fall asleep.
But I can't, coz i'll wake up early.
And I can't coz I really want to watch this show.


I cant even faithom having to do anymore than I already do.
AND I DONT DO MUCH.

Although I did make dinner tonight, but it only took me an hour.
I generally had a really happy and good day today though.
I talked to "him" and things are just normal again.
NORMAL FFS.
Its a god damn miracle that this thick head actually got it,that I just wanted him to now treat me like one of the guys. He's calling me "man" which only a few months ago would have ANNOYED ME. But now hearing it makes me happy.
what didn't make me happy was him discussing the woman who is one of our customers, whom im almost 99.9999 % sure he had an affair with but hey i'll live.. it stabbed at me a little though but I moved on quickly


I know the tiredness is probbably a symptom of the meds,because normally on monday nights I can go and go and go.. but nope not anymore.
Anyway i'll post something more constructive when I stop being a complaining little bitch.


Caragh

Small things amuse small minds

So that giant pile of washing is now gone.
YAY for that..
As I was putting my wet washing into the dryer.. i noticed sometihng sitting in the filter. My mother was always very particular about cleaning the filter.. so its something I do everytime I use the dryer.. Because it can cause a fire!
I don't like fires.. thats another story. But anyways my siblings and other household members obviously never listened to how important that was.
IN the dryer I found 10 dollars.. Now wow 10 dollars.. Now for a moment I thought about going "HEY has anyone lost 10 bucks"
That quickly vanished from my mind, and sliped the note into my bra.( no pockets, plus its cosie in there)

1- My older brother doesn't contribute to the household with regards to cleaning products, toilet paper,washing powerder.. ect.. and he buys his own food...
So I figure he owes us a little.

2- My dad.. well generally my dad is very generous but im a little bitter at him lately coz I gave him 12,000 which he spent on the motor bike that my mother never wanted him to have... that he doesn't ride anymore because he has a girlfriend who is too high maitance and kinda annoying.
That 12k would have made a HUGE dent on the emotionally draining 35k debt's I have.
Yes i'm single, 22, have no student loans but I have 35,000 THOUSAND dollars in debt.
No judgement.


3- My brother and his girlfriend are generally very good. But they've been scabbing alot of cigarettes off my lately, and I figure they owe me at LEAST a few packs.
Also we shop togerther, and whenever we do.. they always buy a hell of a lot more stuff than I... infact last week they spent like 50 bucks more than I would have.
And when it come's time to pay, we split the bill 3 ways but I always pay a little bit extra.. it happens every time..
It even happened today, but I managed to throw a few extra yogo's in the cart so I guess with that 10bucks which mind you has gone straight into my awesome money jar.
Which can't be seen into.

No I can't save.. infact I have 300 dollars in "savings" in my bank a/c right now.
Which I would spend.. but I am really trying hard to pretend its not there.
Despite the fact that it couldnt definatly be of use towards some new clothes, a car service, or rip off trip to the dentist.

To anyone who's stumbled onto my blog just now and is reading this.
Seriously, i'm not generally this petty... but we're in a recession people.
I am one person, on one income, and im fending for myself and sometimes it sucks knowing that if my registration is due, or I get a speeding ticket, or something unknown pops up.. I don't have anyone elses income to bank on AT ALL.
I've just gotta suck it up and work out a way to pay it. (usally onto one of my many credit cards)
Sigh..

I suck

EPIC FAIL

So I have failed.
So far this weekend I have done only two things.
Eat & Sleep.

Lazy much?
Pile of washing.. still sitting on the floor.
I swear I WILL DO IT before tonight.
But I have an excuse.. we are out of washing powder.
Okay we are just about to go out and do our weekly shop.
I'm excited for that.
HELLS YA>
Food.. why wouldn't I be excited.
Creamy avacado risoto..
YUM.

I am really sorry for anyone reading this post and seeing what a boring ass bitch I am.
BUT I have literally spent all weekend pouring through blogs, and checking out football scores.

okay
off to make a shopping list

And the winner is...

I am 58 years old and I cannot remember anyone's name

LOL.

I <3 google searches..

SO RANDOM

65 Random Ass Questions

65 Questions You've Probably Never Been Asked Before.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Sounds weird but I brush my teeth in the shower. I was always told when I had braces that it was better for them

2. What colour is your favourite hoodie? Black

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Hell to the no

4. Do you plan outfits? hahaha have u seen me?

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Scared

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red? A can of fly spray

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Something about two of the guys I work with

8. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope.. maybe if i left the house it would have been possible

9. What are you craving right now? A cuddle PLEASE

10. Do you floss? Not enough

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Sour crout

12. Are you emotional? No *wipes tear* yeah I can be

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? No but when I cant sleep i count sheep. I used to count chicken nuggets but my ass started to get really really big

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I lick, I have sensitive teef

15. Do you like your hair? eh I dont hate it

16. Do you like yourself? Not a whole heap

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes, I'd throw my cosmo on him and then leave!

18.What are you listening to right now? I can hear my brother typing

19. Are your parents strict? Nope last born, they were over it

20. Would you go sky diving? Yes, but only tandem..

21. Do you like cottage cheese? I only like it in certain things, its not my favourite.. tasty/feta all the way. o0o0o0o now im craving feta cheese YUM

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Probably.

23. Do you rent movies often? Sometimes but its a rip.. so i've started possibly illegally downloading them

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? my doona cover is sparkly its kinda annoying

25. How many countries have you visited? 2. I haven't travelled... I don't have that bug

26. Have you made a prank phone call? Yes.

27. Ever been on a train? Yes.

28. Brown or white eggs? I dont care what colour on the outside as long as they have a fresh and healthy yellow yolk im good

29.Do you have a cell-phone? Ya.. im not hung up on phones anymore

30. Do you use chap stick? Yup

31. Do you own a gun? No.

32. Can you use chop sticks? No.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? It already is tonight and im with my puppy dogs!

34. Are you too forgiving? If I love someone? Then yes.
Forgive but NEVER forget.

35. Ever been in love? Yes. Sigh

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? No idea

37. Ever have cream puffs? Yeah, theey go alright

38. Last time you cried? Yesterday?

39. What was the last question you asked? I asked my brother who he was yelling at on the phone. turns out it was someone on a private number threating to kill him.

40. Favourite time of the year? mmm Spring

41. Do you have any tattoos? 3, I want more but im very fussy about where I put them.

42. Are you sarcastic? Yes.. Just yes

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? This movie is AWESOME

44. Ever walked into a wall? I live for walking into walls.. god its annoying but I always mis-judge distances between doorways and walls and yeh.

45. Favourite colour? PURPLE

46. Have you ever slapped someone? HAHA yes.. Krystal... "GOD CARAGH WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BITCH" "OMG KRYSTAL IM NOT A BITCH YOUR A BITCH" * SLAP * UH fight insues.. no one was seriously hurt.. it was seriously funny to hear everyone chant "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" I was 14... we are friends now!!!

47. Is your hair curly? no not generally but it was up when it was wet so its all messy and scrunched so KINDA

48. What was the last CD you bought? It was probably a MIKA one like almost a year & a half ago

49. Do looks matter? In terms of two people finding each other, they yeah attraction matters. But I think most people look there best in there Pj's with no makeup and messy hair. very natural

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Probably not in a relationship. But i've forgiven the ex's that have cheated on me.. and we are now good friends again

51. Is your phone bill sky high? Not really. like 90 bucks

52. Do you like your life right now? I don't hate it.. but im not loving every second

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? No, I need complete quiet

54. Can you handle the truth? I like to think I can.. but no. I lie to myself on an hourly basis... but I DONT lie to others.


55. Do you have good vision? Yeh its awesome actually.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? yes.

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Depends.. sometimes i'll go days without talking and them some weeks talk everyday

58. The last person you held hands with? STFU

59. What are you wearing? Black long sleeved shirt and grey trackies.. my favourite

60.What is your favourite animal? Dogs

61. Where was your default picture taken at? Bedroom of the old house that I almost burnt down

62. Can you hula hoop? Sure can

63. Do you have a job? I do indeed, and in a recession that makes me feel awesome

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? Food. Ha whats new

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? I have indeed when I've been locked out of the house.

man that took ages.
I have been yawning non stop through it.
Okay bra OFF. into bed under the covers and out like a light>>>
Please I need 10 hours of sleep.

So um.. I post ALOT

and thats either indeering, or annoying. Or both.. On with the post.

Dear Clothes sitting on the floor, im really sorry that you've been down there for so long waiting to be washed.. I promise to clean you tomorrow.

Dear Carpet I know you need a good vaccum BUT I HATE TO VACCUMM none the less, ones the clothes are moved and washed I will definatly put in my best 50 % effort.

Dear Teeth I'm sorry I haven't taken you to the dentist for a while, but im scared that they will yell at me. I really dont like being yelled at.

Dear lungs, sorry im still smoking. I will quit when the time is right. I don't like to fail at anything and right now I will fail miserably which would make me smoke more.. you dont want that do you?

Dear Heart, I am REALLY sorry I let you fall in love with him. I went againts our better judgement and now we are both suffering.. Please forgive me?

Dear stomach, I'm sorry I feed you such crap lately. Thats probably the reason why your sending all gas throughout my body. Its coming out both ends.. Its annoying I know. Me + Carbs = BEST FRIENDS. I promise to drink more water this week, and to stick with at least a few of the good food groups.

Dear Hair, I'm sorry I havent cut you for awhile now we have split ends but its only me to blame. I'll fix that real soon.

Dear Mouth, I'm sorry that I occasionally eat and drink things that I KNOW are too hot and I burn you.

And last of all

Dear Me.. I'm sorry I cant stop thinking, anaylsing, eating, smoking, drinking and falling in love with people that are bad for me.
I wish I had the strength right now to leave all this immature negative behaviour behind me. I'm sorry that no ones been close enough to us to give us a hug lately, I'm sure we both miss that alot. But hey you definatly owe me for going to the GP and getting that lexapro because things would surely be worse than they are now!!!

Love Always,
Caragh

A to Z of me

A penny saved is a penny earned.. tell that to me coz I can't save money for the life of me.

B reast cancer runs in my family. This scares the shit out of me.

Caragh is the weird ass spelling my parents decided on

Deep inside my heart is where I hold alot of secrets

Egg's benedict is one of my favourite things to eat

Football is one of the things I enjoy watching

God is someone I believe in

Home will always be where my heart is

I have had lots of trouble sleeping on & off
since my mum was diganosed with termnial cancer

Jumping is what I do when im very excited

Kissing is one of my favourite things to do

Love that lasts forever is something I never see myself having

Men confuse the hell out of me

Ovulation pain is something I always get

Perky is not the way to describe me in the first hour after I wake up

Quite is never something that would describe me

Rest is extremely important to me

Sex is awesome

Tough as nails is something that describes me very well.

Used & abused by some people.. le sigh

Very angry at some of the things that have happened in my life, but very greatful that they have made me who I ma.

When I was little I used to eat everything from coins, to moth balls.

Xray's annoy me, because I've had so many.

Yogo is so very awesome

Zoo's still make me go oo0o0o & ahhh when I see all the different animals

I assumed when I started this my answers would be more creative..
Obviously not
ha
I totally was struggling with my ABC's as well.

X

Caragh

Le Sigh

I wish I was asleep.
I WANT to be asleep.
I even tried drinking milk..
Counting sheep.
Nothing..

But on the upside..
Google keywords= HA HA HA

23 Apr 16:58:33 blogsearch.google.com = mother boobs

Distrubing..