I appolgise for bagging you in my last post.
I realised that your only human and you made a mistake by rejecting my IP address for no reason.
I promise to delete my cookies, check for spyware, and that im not some secret hacker whos trying to kill the interwebs.
Love caragh
So I thought i'd share a few memories with everyone who is reading this(oh lets be honest.. no ones reading this)
1987:
Its a girl.. after a short labour.. which mum was told would take hours here I was..
The third child and only daughter to Ron & Alana
Me, my dad and my big brother.
Bath time.. 
Me and my nanna.
She passed away in 1997..
loved her very very much
Nap time..
I was always a very well behaved child..
I always liked cuddles though..
I was always quite the artist
me and mum on my third birthday.
Notice the heaps cool princess cake she made me..
it was the best!!!
We were the coolest kids on the block
So there you have it.. if your still reading this....
Well done, google totally kicked my butt while i was trying to post this.
I first tried to link in from photobucket.
HUGE failure..
Then google blocked my IP.. I know right like im some hacker..
So i'm using a proxy to get around that.
anyway.. i hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Oh and look what happened to me this morning!!!
I'm glad I was half asleep otherwise I would have been more angry.
Oh crap I think google is after me because everything has suddenly slowed..
THERE ON TO ME!!!!
If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave a comment and i'll answer :)
I've never been the kind of person, who's needed other people around me.
When I was younger, I was the only girl in a family of boys.. I had friends, oh of course I did.. But I also remember being my OWN best friend.
As I got older and all through school, I had friends.. Never a HUGE circle. I'm not one to let people get that close to me.
I really have to trust, love and respect someone to let them into my heart.. Because when I love someone, no matter what.. even if our friendship grows and changes. I love them for life.
15-19 I spent alot of time with my friends, I couldn't stand my family at that age and I just had to my around me friends. After school, on weekends when I wasn't working.
It was all about them, and me.. nothing mattered when we were togerther.
When mum got sick(just sigh of my 19th birthday) that all changed.
Suddenly I couldn't cope with being out with my friends, my love for life deterorated because I knew my mum was at home sick. I couldn't cope with parties.. drinking would make me depressed. I kept a few friends in this time, a few... no more than a handful.. I kept myself busy with work.. family stuff as much as I could.
But I spent most of this time alone. I had one or two close friends.. but it was mostly just me.
I did this because I turned into a person I didnt like a whole lot.. I was angry.. bitter and I could be so mean.
I hated who I was, I hated that I had no control over my life, and little control over how I'd acted..
I guess it was good that I did this, I definatly hurt LESS people this way.. But I hurt people none the less and it wasn't until in hindsight.. I saw what i'd done, things i'd destroyed.
After I got some help(through medication & therapy) i started to feel more like me again.I started to build bridges with people, and build new friendships.
In the last few months... I've started to slip again.. my mood has soured somewhat. I'm starting to get angry and upset more easily.
I am so scared of revealing this to anyone i've gotten close with, but at the same time.. I'm scared of hurting them.
So I'm alone.. I'm alone most of the time now, apart from the occasional dinner with friends.. friends at work and selected family.
I'm realising I may need to get some help again,but im really scared about doing that again. I finished my therapy on such a high.. I was feeling fantastic... then of course a lot of shit happened.
Am I weak for running away?
Or smart for taking the alone approach again?
I just don't know..
I'm so confused right now..
I need some help..
| A Little About Me | |
| 1) Eye Colour | Green, with a brown spot on the right side of my left eye.. dont you forget it!! |
| 2) Hair Colour | Blonde.. natually.. and normally light but the lady wrecked it last time i had it done. |
| 3) Height | 5'4 and a bit.. |
| 4) Right or Left Handed | right handed |
| 5) Your Weakness | People who say all the right things... |
| 6) Your Fears | Spiders...and not having children |
| 7) Your Most Overused Phrase | fuck.. im sorry its true |
| 8) Thoughts First Waking Up | WHY WHY WHY |
| 9) Your Best Physical Feature | eyes |
| 10) Your Bedtime | Whenever I want!! |
| 11) Pepsi or Coke | Coke |
| 12) McDonalds or Burger King | mmmmm buger king or hungry jacks as its known in Australia |
| 13) Ice Cream or Yogurt | Ice cream |
| 14) Pizza or Chinese | PIZZA |
| 15) Waffles or Pancakes | mmm pancakes |
| 16) Single or Group Dates | Single for sure |
| 17) Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea | neither |
| 18) Chocolate or Vanilla | Chocolate |
| 19) Cappuccino or Coffee | coffee |
| 20) Do You Smoke | Yes(I am thinking about quiting.. so thats better than not thinking about it) |
| 21) Do You Drink | Rarely |
| 22) Do You Swear | Constantly |
| 23) Do You Sing | always |
| 24) Do You Shower Daily | yes |
| 25) Do You Floss | err not as much as i should |
| 26) Do You Drive | yes.. love it |
| 27) Have You Been In Love | Yes |
| 28) Have You Ever Cheated On Your Bf/Gf | nope |
| 29) Do You Want To Get Married | nope |
| 30) Do You Believe in Yourself | Not a whole heap |
| 31) Do You Get Motion Sickness | nope yayyyyyyyy |
| 32) Do You Think You are Attractive | nooo |
| 33) Do You Get Along With Your Parents | not anymore |
| 34) Do You Have Any Brothers or Sisters | Yes, two older brothers |
| 35) Do You Like Thunderstorms | YES!!! as long as im safe |
| 36) Do You Play an Instrument | I can sing.. this is all |
| 37) Do You Have any Pets | Max and Molly <3 I heart my puppies |
| 38) What Is Your Favorite Colour | Purple |
| 39) In the past month have you Drank Alcohol | yes |
| 40) In the past month have you Smoked | yes |
| 41) In the past month have you been on Drugs | does the pill count? |
| 42) In the past month have you gone on a Date | I wish! |
| 43) In the past month have you gone to a Mall | yup, but in australia we call them shopping centres |
| 44) In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos | no |
| 45) In the past month have you eaten Sushi | yes |
| 46) In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping | no |
| 47) In the past month have you Stolen Anything | no |
| 48) Ever Been Drunk | yes 13-18.. then after that not so much |
| 49) Ever Been Called a Tease | yes |
| 50) Ever Shoplifted | noooooooo |
| 51) Ever Gotten a Speeding Ticket | yes two in two weeks but thats it |
| 52) Ever Had a Secret Crush | yes :( |
| 53) Ever Been to Disney | NO! |
| 54) When Was the Last Time You Were Drunk | Months ago |
| 55) When Was the Last Time You Were on a Plane | Last year |
| 56) When Was the Last Time You Heard "I Love You" | a month ago? |
| 57) When Was the Last Time You Cried | sunday!! |
| 58) Number of Piercings | None |
| 59) Number of Tattoos | 3 |
| 60) Number of Things in My Past I Regret | 189327189273918274895729482 |
| Take this survey | Create your own survey | Daily survey | |
| Explore Thousands of Life Experiences. | |
shhh don't tell anyone.
I don't really like peaches.
I just like songs about peaches.. or BY peaches.
So weird.
Its so funny though, I used to have so much to write about when I was younger.
But now I struggle to put them all into something that is worth posting in an entry.. ya know?
I still feel like I have SO much I could say..
But just.. no words
Hey Mom
Why didn't you tell me
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two
You just let me go
Out into the World
You never thought to share what you knew
So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again
Hey Mom
Why didn't you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They're like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they're bad for me
But I just can't leave 'em alone
I wanna do it again
Oh, felt so good
Hey Mom
Since we're talking
What was it like when you were young
Has the world changed
Or is it still the same
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun
So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again
So hard for it hunny.
I'm at WORK.
I shouldnt be updating my blog, but I haven't really done much of anything recently.
Sales have tanked, which means...
I have little to do.
I'm trying to plug away in photoshop.. But its hard really.
I've put togerther sales reports.
And updated whatever it is I CAN.
But at the moment there just isn't a whole lot to do.
I got my BONUS yesterday.
Everyone was really disapointed... So here I was.. Thinking its going to be a 2 figure, or even three figure sum.
No...
I got a 4 figure bonus... I wasn't disapointed... Not in the slightest.
It will help me out in leaps and bounds.
I guess it shows how ungreatful my workmates are, and how they come to expect more.
Sure it would have been nice if the 4th quarter last year was as good as the other three. The bonus would have been double. But who cares.
You get, what you're given and you shouldnt be ungreatful.
Anyway..
Since my conversation with my dad he hasn't come home.
I think he's too GUTLESS to come home and face me after all the things he said.
God it makes me angry just thinking about it.
I was so upset after that conversation that I creid so much and hyperventailated.
But I'm over it now.
My brother and fiance' just brought a house "pending finance"
And they say I can definatly stay with them for a few months.
I am happy with that.
Anyway.. I could go on ad on..
But I'll stop talking and start working (attempting to work)
Hope everyones having a good day.
Oh and Congrats to JB and H(work colleuge) on the birth of there Son
Jordan Connor, born at 6:10am this morning weight 3.4kgs.
I know it probably doesn't make much sense to use the Intials and then state the babies name..
But I'm not really scared about people finding my blog.. Because I've googled myself 10 times over.
and it doesn't come up :)
I can't believe you would do this.
That you would so willingly and so coldly turn your back on your own children.
I understand wanting to move on BUT FUCK
what's happened to you.
for 21 years you were my best friend, we were closer than close could be.
Now your such an asshole....
You want to forget about the life you had for 30 years??
How could you do that??
Selling a house wont magically fix up HOW FUCKED in the head you are.
Yeah mum died, she did she died and we live with that everyday..
But what happened to you.
I know your not perfect, far from it..
But you always cared about us, and about doing the right thing.
And suddenly.. because of HER you have lost your head.
All you care about, all you want is to start again.
You want another family, another house, another life.
Why.. It wont make you forget.
You hurt me, you fucking hurt me with your cold and callous words.
I can't believe you would be so cold, but you are..
You've changed.. Your not right in the head.
And you've turned your back on people who saved you... In your time of need
WE were THERE
We came to the hospital, signed the papers, took you to chemo.
Paid your fucking mortage so you didnt lose the house.
And now this.
Now you just think you can pick up and move on and forget we exisit.
NO.
NOT NOW.
NOT EVER.
OVER MY DEAD BODY.
Blah
I have no energy today... I was up past 4am last night and awoke at 11:30 but seriously i'm laying on the couch here with no desire to move until at least 6:30 when I have to go to one of my BFF's graduation dinner tonight at 6:30.
I mean... I just got paid which means im loaded for pretty much the only time in the month... I know i'm getting my bonus next week so I could very well go shopping and buy some new clothes.. or something.. But I just can't move.
I wonder if its the depression setting in, my docotor actually went off at me for not staying on my meds last year for longer.. But I felt SO much better.
Therapy had helped a treat.. and I swear I graduated..
When she told me I was elidgable for another 12 free therapy sessions on my "mental health plan" I was almost releaved.. I thought it was capped.. but no every 12 months I have permission to go insane and get free medication and therapy.
Man I loved that shrink.... She was possibly one of the only people in this world who had ever made me feel normal at all..
Like I WASNT crazy.. I mean I know I'm a little wacky.. but her ability to break it all down and just be there it was amazing.
So maybe I will see her again.
Last nigth I was out with a friend.. she's been in a relationship with a man who is 24 years her senior.. he already has 4 kids and they were speaking about there future.. He asks her on a daily basis to marry him, obviously shes very young (22) and hasn't said yes.. but she was thinking about her future and the fact that they definatly want kids.He said he'd give her as many as she wanted to make her happy.. but the reality of it is that she could probably only ever have one.
She was diagnosed with epilipsy when she was about 11 years old, unfortunately its the kind that even with medication gets worse overtime. Although she doesn't have grand mal seizures.. she does black out alot and have quite a few twinges no matter how regular her medication schedule is.
In reality she would have to come off her medications to get pregnant, which itself could cause seziures, and if she got pregnant on her medication well thats a whole nother story just there.. the drugs she's on can cause severe birth defects and developmental delays.
While we were sitting there and she was telling me just how she felt about the posibiliy of not having a child, only having one child, hurting the child through having a seizure.. I just said it.
"I'd have your baby for you"
Surrogacy is something I've always thought of, I am not againts the possibility of egg donation either.. I just dont know if anyone would want my crappy genes..
But to me her story was heart breaking because I know how much she wants children (she comes from a family of 6 kids) she knows that love and wants to experience it.. without putting her health, or the health of her unborn child at risk.
So I would do it, I'd absouletly do it. Their are many rules to surrogacy that I dont fully understand and obviously now, when im 22 this is not an option. But in 5 years... It just may well be..
Anyway thats all from me, I'm gonna relax for an hour or so and then attempt to shopping(I really hate shopping unless its for someone else and I know exactly what I want to get them)
hmm to watch the L word, or how I met your mother.. Two totally different shows.
he's a better friend to me than you
EVER were
And I'm starting to get my head around this whole thing.
as much as it hurts.. the lies are what hurts me... not the trtuh.
The truth I could have handled... But the lies are what cut me..
You're meant to care?
Care... ha I just read your email..
HAHAHA
There are SO many wonderful women/men/familes on my blog role..
that i'll admit that SOMETIMES.. its hard for me to keep up..
For all of you that are..
Starting a cycle..
In the middle of a cycle...
Into your TWW
Experiencing devestation or loss...
For all of you that have just had your babies..
Or just got your positives....
Or just seeing where the next chapter of your journey will be...
Or even just beginning your journey's into starting your family...
Goodluck goodluck goodluck
My thoughts are so with you.
Technology and I have usally always got along.
I've been using the internet since I was 8 (mid 90's), I know phones, and fax's, scanners, photocopiers. You name it,i've used it.. and normally without trouble.
I work in marketing(in house marketing) So I work for a company and we do all the stuff for our sales team and reps out on the road. Its a great job and I love it most of the time.
I've had a few things on the go, some promotional stuff and peices i've put togerther.
I was asked to simply PRINT some of this stuff in bulk and send it to our customer.
Sounds easy right?
WRONG
1- Glossy Paper into the printer, click print.
OH CRAP its double sided and staining.. STOP
2- Paper jam- ahhhhh crap, ink all over my hands because its not yet sealed STOP
3- Re load paper, walk away... 5 minutes later BEEEP BEEP BEEP paper jammed, ink now all over the hands, and inside the print.. OH CRAP printer is hot burnt finger.
4-Re load paper walk away..... come back oh CRAP out of ink.. take out giant ink cartridge which weighs a tonne.. place it on table.
5- Ink cartridge FALLS off table which is about a metre high, directly onto my ankle.. ouch thats gonna hurt.. and it does it bruises...
6- By now.. we are about 3 hours into our printing episode because between all the back and forth.. I havent accomplised really much of anything besides wasting ALOT of paper (cue guilt) and also killing alot of ink(Ink is money people times like this)
7- Several more hours later I finally managed to accomplish half of what I set out to do..
In between abusing the printer to anyone who would listen.. and not getting any help from my boss(who happens to be a fool)
I started today on a more POSITIVE note, I thought i'd give the printer another try.... he was being a bit more friendly today.. really helping me out.
And then.. the photocopier steped up to the plate.. he wouldnt let me do a double sided, sorted, stapled with colour front cover... nope.. several more trees's and a bit of $$$ in ink later.
I quit....
Cue stomach bug which leads me to do alot of thinking while im sitting on the toilet sorry if thats TMI.. But i'm starting to THINK
that the printer.. and the photocopier realised that I needed them... much much more than they needed me.. and thus for decided to become difficult.. and withdraw from me.. leaving me perplexed..
wait I think I'm relating my current technology drama.. with my man drama....
yup I think I am.
In anycase I have sworn off both the Printer and the Photocopier until further notice.. because they BOTH need to get there shit togerther.. I don't wanna get hurt again so I'm just not gonna play their games.
They may hold the cards thinking that I need them, but bitch I can switch you off anytime I want.
A wonderful dream where I would wake up and EVERYTHING in this world was as it should be.
I would wake up, and my mum would be her imperfect self.. standing by the sink doing the dishes, in the laundry smoking a cigarette while doing a load of washing.
My dad would be at the table, or in the toilet reading the paper.. or on the computer looking at the horse racing schedule for the day.
My brothers would faithfully be on the computer one playing vidoe games and annoyingly speaking so loudly into a microphone to someone on the other side of the world, and one chatting to his friends the ones that understood him better than anyone else.
And I would be me...
I would feel safe and secure, happy with my imperfect life. I would relish the fights I had with the people I loved. I would trade every little thing I own in this world(which isnt alot, but its enough) To wake one morning and find my house full of the people I love. The people that saw me through the first 19 years of my life.. not always the best years, not always the best times. But through the mistakes they did each in their own way love me unconditionally.
I'd give anything to have back that happiness, that I at times mistaked for misery.
1- That a mothers hug is quite possibly the safest and best place you will ever be
2- That you'll never realise just how much you MISS being nagged when it doesn't happen
3- That no one, no friend, no family member, no animal can EVER take that place or even come close
4- That the shear anger you feel when you see someone treating a parent they still have like shit
5- That there a things that ONLY a mother can teach you, things you will undoubtably learn the hard way
6- That words of advice you once thought to be un thoughtful and un true ring through your ears on a daily basis.
7- That each day you spend on this earth without her, is a little bit harder when you realise all the things you'll miss.
