Friday, March 20, 2009

1 is the lonilest number

I've never been the kind of person, who's needed other people around me.
When I was younger, I was the only girl in a family of boys.. I had friends, oh of course I did.. But I also remember being my OWN best friend.
As I got older and all through school, I had friends.. Never a HUGE circle. I'm not one to let people get that close to me.
I really have to trust, love and respect someone to let them into my heart.. Because when I love someone, no matter what.. even if our friendship grows and changes. I love them for life.
15-19 I spent alot of time with my friends, I couldn't stand my family at that age and I just had to my around me friends. After school, on weekends when I wasn't working.
It was all about them, and me.. nothing mattered when we were togerther.

When mum got sick(just sigh of my 19th birthday) that all changed.
Suddenly I couldn't cope with being out with my friends, my love for life deterorated because I knew my mum was at home sick. I couldn't cope with parties.. drinking would make me depressed. I kept a few friends in this time, a few... no more than a handful.. I kept myself busy with work.. family stuff as much as I could.
But I spent most of this time alone. I had one or two close friends.. but it was mostly just me.
I did this because I turned into a person I didnt like a whole lot.. I was angry.. bitter and I could be so mean.
I hated who I was, I hated that I had no control over my life, and little control over how I'd acted..
I guess it was good that I did this, I definatly hurt LESS people this way.. But I hurt people none the less and it wasn't until in hindsight.. I saw what i'd done, things i'd destroyed.

After I got some help(through medication & therapy) i started to feel more like me again.I started to build bridges with people, and build new friendships.

In the last few months... I've started to slip again.. my mood has soured somewhat. I'm starting to get angry and upset more easily.
I am so scared of revealing this to anyone i've gotten close with, but at the same time.. I'm scared of hurting them.

So I'm alone.. I'm alone most of the time now, apart from the occasional dinner with friends.. friends at work and selected family.

I'm realising I may need to get some help again,but im really scared about doing that again. I finished my therapy on such a high.. I was feeling fantastic... then of course a lot of shit happened.

Am I weak for running away?
Or smart for taking the alone approach again?
I just don't know..
I'm so confused right now..

I need some help..


Anonymous said...

please see the link >

R said...

as a therapist... i think it's great for everyone to seek help when needed.. it does not mean you are weak... it means you are acknowledging that you don't have to do it all on your own...