Sunday, March 29, 2009

Choices Choices Choices

I've been avoiding having this conversation with myself for a while now.
In July 2007, I had an operation to break my jaw and reset it.
I had an underbite.. kind of like a bull dog, where my bottom jaw stuck out.
This condition bothered me MOST of my life.. I had braces for 3 years.
2 cancelled attempted surgeries only a few days before each time.

My dad had just been diagnosed with cancer when I got the all clear to have it done.
The week before my surgery, he had complications from chemo and was put into hospital for terrible blood clots.

On the morning of my surgery,I went in alone.
And waited alone, after not having much sleep at all.
The surgery went well, without a hitch. I woke up extremely sore, my face packed with ice and my dad had finally had been discharged.
My doctor was very kind, not only offering me an extra day in hospital because I had no one to care for me at home, but eventually when I got the bill he had medicared most of the expenses related to the surgery, which meant I only had to pay a small gap.. which ended up being 3, or 4 thousand dollars less than it should have.
It was a small victory.

I recovered.. slowly looking after myself was tough, I needed my mum but she was there with me in spirit.
Just over two weeks later I went back to work.. during the time my jaw was broken and sealed shut.. I lost alot of weight.
I estimate about 5-8 kilos in a two week period.
I had no idea how heavy I was until everyone started commenting.
In Novemeber after realising that my pants had started to fall down.. I thought I should continue on this road to weight loss..
I joined lite n easy(meal program) and curves.
I stuck with both of these things for atleast 2 months.

During this time I got down to my lowest weight in a long while( Around 74 kg's) still alot I know but I hadn't been that small in ages.

I was battleing my demons still, depresion was heavy.
Mood swings and aniexty.
It was around the same time, that I started taking an anti depressant called lexapro.

It improved my mood dramatically, I also started therapy.
Because I was feeling so great my doctor suggested uping my dosage to see if it would help.
The drug had a few side affects.. nausea.. but I was feeling so much more confident and happy that it didnt matter.

After new years I fell off the weight loss bandwagon.
A few months after that I stopped taking lexapro(without consulting the doctor ) and on piled the weight.
It was slow at first.. but then my eating habits went to shit.. literally.
I was still in therapy and feeling better so I didnt notice the weight gain so much...

Ironically since being at my lowest weight which was around 74 on a good morning.
I am now 91 kg's again.

To me this is only... 12 kilos since I started curves (coz i was 79) but its 17 kilos since I was at my lowest.
Ironically almost all my old clothes still fit me... I guess they were too big in the first place.
I feel bigger SO MUCH BIGGER its hard to imagine i was ever this big. But I had to be I guess.
I'm tempted to pull out my fat pants (the ones that once feel down while i was at work and were literally around my ankles..) luckily I had a long shirt on.

I haven't been feeling the best lately.. because of my weight... because of the situations I get myself into.. everything in general.
So I'm considering going back on lexapro.. but I dont think its for the right reasons.
I think its because I want to see if it will help me loose this weight.
Honestly.. I did feel so much better on it.. but I dont know if it was cos of the moods.. or the weight gain.

I'm so torn.
I think I might make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.. I want to talk to her about my pap results and WHY I have to go back in a year instead of two years.
I think I will go back on the drug.. to see if it will help with everything overall.
But most of all.. I really want it to help me shift some of this weight.

I don't feel like me anymore, and I know it shouldn't define me.. but it does.
I was only 9 kilos from my goal weight, now im 26 Kilos from my goal weight.
It hurts.

Anyway.. I'm not sure what to do.. but i'll keep you all posted.

I'm feeling a bit energetic so im going to grab my ipod, and my dog and go for a walk.