Thinking

I thought I was doing okay.. I really did.
I look fine, I look happy, right?
Wrong.. I'd just walked into the kitchen after eating dinner.
My SIL goes to me "are you okay?"
I rub my eyes and think too myself first.
"yeah im fine, just tired"
She pauses, half smiles and then goes
" are you sure? " she says
"yeah im fine, why?"
" you look so sad?"

I walked away at that point and back into my room.
I know sometimes you've gotta go down before you come up.

I wish my life was different, I know I spend all this time wishing, thinking, praying.
That i'll wake up and this WONT be my life.
I guess I just have to live with WHAT IS.
At the moment, I'm a mess..
Its only April but for some reason I'm thinking about Mothers day already.
Mothers day, its a dreaded day for me..
I haven't yet had one where I was able to remember my mum properly, and without feeling such over whelming grief.
Mothers day is such an important time for most people, its all they talk about in the week leading up....
My friend Mat and I both lost our mothers to breast cancer in our teenage years.
Its a shitty shitty week for both of us, now we are working in the same department.. Side by side.
I remember last year he was extra sad, his mother died 9 years ago so its less fresh.. but still there of course, Its always there.
He had just had his son, and he couldn't work out how to feel.. happy for his partner and her experience but sad for himself.

I dunno.. I dunno when im coming out of this funk..
I know this is no where near the worst that i've ever felt.
I will never get there again..

By now i've probably lost all the poor people reading this, and you probably want me to be happy with what I have.. but right now.
I guess as SIL just said.

"You look sad"

I am sad..
but shhh stop reminding me