When you least expect it.
Whenever someone asks me how old I am..
I automatically go to say "18"
Nope not me..
Haven't been 18 for years now.
I've been in this world for a while now..
22 years.. If you double that I'll be 44.
SADLY I don't think I'll live to 44.
I don't know why....
Right now I've just got this heavily guarded feeling that something is about to go wrong.
I normally get this feeling just before something does go wrong Someone gets sick, and then usally dies
I am probably just over reacting..
But this sinking feeling isn't moving.
There are so many things I want to do in my life.
None of which hold any great significance....
The only thing I do really want... more so than a partner, or marriage is to have children.
I don't know how I even feel about bringing kids into this world, into my world with my terrible genes.
argh so down right now.
Well off to sleep..
Big day at work tomorrow.. or not.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Life creeps up on you
Posted by Caz at 11:09 PM 0 comments
Labels: Sinking feeling, uneasy
Choices Choices Choices
Sigh..
I've been avoiding having this conversation with myself for a while now.
In July 2007, I had an operation to break my jaw and reset it.
I had an underbite.. kind of like a bull dog, where my bottom jaw stuck out.
This condition bothered me MOST of my life.. I had braces for 3 years.
2 cancelled attempted surgeries only a few days before each time.
My dad had just been diagnosed with cancer when I got the all clear to have it done.
The week before my surgery, he had complications from chemo and was put into hospital for terrible blood clots.
On the morning of my surgery,I went in alone.
And waited alone, after not having much sleep at all.
The surgery went well, without a hitch. I woke up extremely sore, my face packed with ice and my dad had finally had been discharged.
My doctor was very kind, not only offering me an extra day in hospital because I had no one to care for me at home, but eventually when I got the bill he had medicared most of the expenses related to the surgery, which meant I only had to pay a small gap.. which ended up being 3, or 4 thousand dollars less than it should have.
It was a small victory.
I recovered.. slowly looking after myself was tough, I needed my mum but she was there with me in spirit.
Just over two weeks later I went back to work.. during the time my jaw was broken and sealed shut.. I lost alot of weight.
I estimate about 5-8 kilos in a two week period.
I had no idea how heavy I was until everyone started commenting.
In Novemeber after realising that my pants had started to fall down.. I thought I should continue on this road to weight loss..
I joined lite n easy(meal program) and curves.
I stuck with both of these things for atleast 2 months.
During this time I got down to my lowest weight in a long while( Around 74 kg's) still alot I know but I hadn't been that small in ages.
I was battleing my demons still, depresion was heavy.
Mood swings and aniexty.
It was around the same time, that I started taking an anti depressant called lexapro.
It improved my mood dramatically, I also started therapy.
Because I was feeling so great my doctor suggested uping my dosage to see if it would help.
The drug had a few side affects.. nausea.. but I was feeling so much more confident and happy that it didnt matter.
After new years I fell off the weight loss bandwagon.
A few months after that I stopped taking lexapro(without consulting the doctor ) and on piled the weight.
It was slow at first.. but then my eating habits went to shit.. literally.
I was still in therapy and feeling better so I didnt notice the weight gain so much...
Ironically since being at my lowest weight which was around 74 on a good morning.
I am now 91 kg's again.
To me this is only... 12 kilos since I started curves (coz i was 79) but its 17 kilos since I was at my lowest.
Ironically almost all my old clothes still fit me... I guess they were too big in the first place.
I feel bigger SO MUCH BIGGER its hard to imagine i was ever this big. But I had to be I guess.
I'm tempted to pull out my fat pants (the ones that once feel down while i was at work and were literally around my ankles..) luckily I had a long shirt on.
I haven't been feeling the best lately.. because of my weight... because of the situations I get myself into.. everything in general.
So I'm considering going back on lexapro.. but I dont think its for the right reasons.
I think its because I want to see if it will help me loose this weight.
Honestly.. I did feel so much better on it.. but I dont know if it was cos of the moods.. or the weight gain.
I'm so torn.
I think I might make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.. I want to talk to her about my pap results and WHY I have to go back in a year instead of two years.
I think I will go back on the drug.. to see if it will help with everything overall.
But most of all.. I really want it to help me shift some of this weight.
I don't feel like me anymore, and I know it shouldn't define me.. but it does.
I was only 9 kilos from my goal weight, now im 26 Kilos from my goal weight.
It hurts.
Anyway.. I'm not sure what to do.. but i'll keep you all posted.
I'm feeling a bit energetic so im going to grab my ipod, and my dog and go for a walk.
Posted by Caz at 1:49 PM 0 comments
Labels: Depression, lexapro, medication, weight gain, weight loss
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Black Saturday




On the 7th of feburary 2009, the state of Victoria and Australia in general were thrown head first into the worst bushfires in Australia's history and some of the worst fires in the world.
Fires, both natually starting and deliberatly lit surrounded Victoria burning for hundreds of Kilometres.
I live in Melbourne in the southern part of Australia, a beautiful coast line, rugged moutains, and dense bush land.
On this day Tempretures reached 46' Degrees across the state, or 115 Fahrenheit.
Winds raged across the state, but no one expected what occured.
Late in the evening, two fire fronts merged surrounding small communites both in and around victoria and only 30 kilometres from my home.
Areas including Kinglake, Marysville, Narbethong, Strathewen and Flowerdale were completley destroyed.
3500 Structures were destroyed, leaving more than 7,500 people homeless.
Many of the homeless had been injured, in either staying to fight the blazes (which tore through so quickly that they had no choice) or fleeing.
I like all Australians and many people across the world sat in fear that night and listened non stop to the radio.To hear for updates, when the news broke at around 8 pm that some large towns covering the state had been all but wipped out.
We hoped with every part of souls that the lives of those affected would be spared.
But as day broke, the news slowly got worse.
At the time I write this entry, 210 people are confirmed to have died in the blazes, many of these people were trying to outrun the fire.
Hundreds more were injured.
Australia and the world rallyed behind the vicitms of Black Saturday.
The people who had lost everything, including loved ones to this terribly tragic event.
Since the event, more than 100 Million dollars has been raised to help those effected.
The areas of Kinglake, and Flowerdale are two places I would pass through frequently before the fires tore through. This is the direct route to where my family live, and to the place where my mother is buried.
Today I visited the area for the first time.
I alone could not believe some of the devestation I saw, houses, schools, cars, business's burnt to the ground.
The re building efforts are already well underway for some, but for others it is too raw.
My dad and I took a ride up on his motorbike and visited Kinglake.
We took a stock of what we had seen at a local cafe' stopping for a coffee and to talk with some of the locals.
The town was a buzz with people, some locals, some visiting.
As hard as it is, to see the place where so many people lost everything.
It is amazing to see the renewed hope, and smiles on the faces of those who have to start over. With each person who passes through the doors of each cafe' or bakery, we are promoting the re building of such a beautiful community.
The faces of the towns people say, "we are stong we can do anything"
Thats the kind of belief system I wish I could have all the time.
Australia will remember Black Saturday, we will continue to honor and remember those who are no longer with us, & and in some way we will all play a part in rebuilding the communites and familes that lost so much.
"ode of rememberance"
Its a poem about war I thought it seemed fitting.
They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
Lest we forget.
-Caragh
Posted by Caz at 4:37 PM 0 comments
Labels: Black Saturday, Community, Healing, Remembrance
Microdermabrasion
So.. A few weeks ago after seeing a "half off"
Sign on the window of the place I get my eye brow wax..
I decided to get some Microdermabrasion.
Now I'am not overly girly.
I do wear make up, and occasionally paint nails, and get a wax.
But my skin has been terrible lately, and i thought it couldnt hurt...
And well
I WAS RIGHT.
It didnt hurt.. it didnt hurt a bit (okay one of the masks stung a little)
But oh my god, I am in love with my face.
It feels like a baby's bottom.
And I am SO serious when I say this.. It honestly does!!!!
I've been told it would also get better as the dead skin (eww) fell away.
SO im a convert..
I managed to sign myself up to get it done once a month for 5 more months.
6( for the price of 4)
And she put mineral makeup on me as well which looks great.
But I managed to walk out without making that expensive purchase because I had to do the other one up front.
YIPPEEE
I feel great.
Posted by Caz at 10:54 AM 0 comments
Labels: FANTASTIC, Feeling, Microdermabrasion
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Dear mum
Sometimes I think that I can see you.
When I close my eyes.. I know that i'd give anything just to feel your arms around me.
To remember what your perfume spelt like.
Remember the way you used to say all of our names with such force.
I wish you could give me advice right now.
With everything..
Every little thing I seem to touch turns so much to shit and I just need you here.
But you can't be. Your place is in your heaven.
One day i'll be able to se you again.
I wish you could pull Dad into line.
To let him know that what hes doing is wrong.. but he's gotta make his own mistakes.
I've got to make my own mistakes.
But its hard..
I hate that you cant pull me into line.. tell me to buck up, grow up, move on.
I cant seem to do any of those things.
Your words are all I need right now.
But I have nothing.
I feel so lost with you
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Powerful Cycle
So a few days ago? or was it yesterday
I was bitching about me period being late.
Can I take that back?
Seriously, go away.
I realised this morning by about 9am why my pants wouldnt fit this morning.
4 hours later, I was still doubled over in pain at about 12:30 I headed off to grab some lunch because I thought that couldnt hurt I hadn't eaten...
I was wrong.
Crawled back into the office and informed one of the boys (I work in a department made up of only men) that I had a "stomach bug" and to let my boss (who was at lunch) That I had got home.
I raced home, literally speeding..
But stopped to pick up some naprogesic.. and a heat pack because I was still in so much Pain.. I couldnt believe it.
I hate when the only relief you get is sitting on the toilet.
thats the last place you want to be.
So its coming from everywhere.
Then I realise hang on.. I'm going to vomit as well.
Im not a good vomiter.. my stomach is very sensitive.. I heave like you wouldnt believe and I end up with broken capailries in the face.
Sexy.
So finally, im done spewing, pooing, peeing and changing tampons and giving myself drugs.
I get my heat pack and crawl into bed.. its so hot that it burns me.. I dont care.. I cant feel it. I just need relief dammit
RELIEF..
No time for Pj's.
Bra, undies in bed heat pack alternating between lower back and lower stomach.
and then by some miracle of nature.
I fall asleep.
It was a restless sleep.. but when I awake.. about 2 hours later.
Still groggy, with a yucky stomach but no cramps..
After a few hours my brother and his girlfriend got home.;
I rested a bit more, talked to a friend.
I go outside and I say "I've never been this sick because of my period"
And she goes "oh I got mine too"
I get up, and I wack her in the arm.
YOU.
You did this to me.
Your hormones made me late! They dragged out my cycle to get me into SYNC with you.
ARGH.
I had no lived solidly with any other women since july last year.
And I forgot.
I forgot how my body always does this..
We used to be miles apart.. but as the last few months have gone on.. we have slowly and surley come togerther.
ahh
I know its not her fault.
But after a day like today.. I sadly wanted to blaim her.
Oh well..
Unfortunatly I've got alot of this to get used to.
How Did I Get Here
How did I get here..
How am I having an emotional affair with someone who's married...
How am I in love.. with someone else.
Someone who has a live in girlfriend who he says is just a friend.
I know better of course I know better.. Pictures dont fucking lie!
Well sometimes they do..
But in this case they don't.
How am I able to justify all of this in my head.
I feel like a sinner..
Like a real sinner
like a disgusting excuse for a human being.
I never agreed to any of this.
I didnt.
I never wanted any of this.
My life was complicated enough
Then all of you came along.
Part of me wishes you'd just all go away and never come back.
But part of me also knows that no matter what I do..
Now that i've had your love, your friendship..
Nothing will ever be the same without it.
I wont be the same without it.
So what do I do.
Turn my back?
Turn my back on the people that make me so happy.. but yet make me so miserable at the same time??
Or keep going the way I am and slowly burn a hole deep into my soul.
Posted by Caz at 9:17 AM 1 comments
Labels: Crushed, friendship., Love
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
woaaaaaaa is me
So the ass hole who hit my car.... while HE was parked and I was driving..
Is now saying.. his door was open and that I hit him..
Because really.. I could come around the corner fish tailing... miss the FRONT of my car with his already opened door and only hit the back of the car?
yeah a huh
very likely story..
arghhh
PEOPLE SUCK
Posted by Caz at 7:33 PM 2 comments
Labels: PEOPLE SUCK
Monday, March 23, 2009
Immaculate Conception
* Warning this post is stupid
Immaculate conception is something thats has never been proven.
Right now, im sitting here and thinking to myself..
Why is my period late?
It's NEVER been late.. and when I say never.. I mean never.
8 years..
Every month.
ON time, as predicted.. between 28-31 days.
3 days ago I had a spot of blood.
WTF I don't spot.
I never spot.
A few twinges of pain.. and then NOTHING.
This month I wanted to start birth control.
why?
Am I planning on preventing pregnancy ???
No.. no not really.
I want my periods to be lighter and for it to possibly help clear my skin.
So here I sit.. 32 cycle days later.
And for a brief second a though crosses my mind.
"Could I be like that really freaky chick on house who was a virgin but managed to somehow impregnate herself and be both the mother AND father to her baby?"
No caragh.. you couldnt.
Thats a ridiculous thought.
Its even less likly than getting pregnant from a toilet seat..
Less likely?
Hell I dont even think thats been proven...
And if WANTING children and thinking about having babies... suddenly got you pregnant.. wouldn't all those good people who are struggling with infertility suddenly be knocked up.
I truely think I am becoming obsessed with this though.. I mean I'm NOT about to go out and get pregnant.
Health wise, im probably at a great time in my life to start poping out kids.
But I'm not that selfish.. its not just about MY life, MY wants..
I have to think about what is best for said future child.
So anyway, not pregnant or planning on being anytime soon..
So seriously where the fuck is my period?????
Posted by Caz at 1:04 PM 0 comments
Labels: birth control, Periods, Pregnancy, WTF?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Note to self
Possibly not a good idea, to send random, rambling, late night emails to that Guy your probably in love with even though you shouldnt be for all reasons that have previously been listed
I'm going to bed
Posted by Caz at 1:31 AM 2 comments
dear google
I appolgise for bagging you in my last post.
I realised that your only human and you made a mistake by rejecting my IP address for no reason.
I promise to delete my cookies, check for spyware, and that im not some secret hacker whos trying to kill the interwebs.
Love caragh
Posted by Caz at 12:01 AM 0 comments
Labels: google, hacker, nooo not me
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sharing some memories
So I thought i'd share a few memories with everyone who is reading this(oh lets be honest.. no ones reading this)
1987:
Its a girl.. after a short labour.. which mum was told would take hours here I was..
The third child and only daughter to Ron & Alana

Me, my dad and my big brother.
Bath time.. 
Me and my nanna.
She passed away in 1997..
loved her very very much
Nap time..
I was always a very well behaved child..

I always liked cuddles though..
I was always quite the artist
me and mum on my third birthday.
Notice the heaps cool princess cake she made me..
it was the best!!!
We were the coolest kids on the block
So there you have it.. if your still reading this....
Well done, google totally kicked my butt while i was trying to post this.
I first tried to link in from photobucket.
HUGE failure..
Then google blocked my IP.. I know right like im some hacker..
So i'm using a proxy to get around that.
anyway.. i hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Oh and look what happened to me this morning!!!
I'm glad I was half asleep otherwise I would have been more angry.
Oh crap I think google is after me because everything has suddenly slowed..
THERE ON TO ME!!!!
If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave a comment and i'll answer :)
Friday, March 20, 2009
1 is the lonilest number
I've never been the kind of person, who's needed other people around me.
When I was younger, I was the only girl in a family of boys.. I had friends, oh of course I did.. But I also remember being my OWN best friend.
As I got older and all through school, I had friends.. Never a HUGE circle. I'm not one to let people get that close to me.
I really have to trust, love and respect someone to let them into my heart.. Because when I love someone, no matter what.. even if our friendship grows and changes. I love them for life.
15-19 I spent alot of time with my friends, I couldn't stand my family at that age and I just had to my around me friends. After school, on weekends when I wasn't working.
It was all about them, and me.. nothing mattered when we were togerther.
When mum got sick(just sigh of my 19th birthday) that all changed.
Suddenly I couldn't cope with being out with my friends, my love for life deterorated because I knew my mum was at home sick. I couldn't cope with parties.. drinking would make me depressed. I kept a few friends in this time, a few... no more than a handful.. I kept myself busy with work.. family stuff as much as I could.
But I spent most of this time alone. I had one or two close friends.. but it was mostly just me.
I did this because I turned into a person I didnt like a whole lot.. I was angry.. bitter and I could be so mean.
I hated who I was, I hated that I had no control over my life, and little control over how I'd acted..
I guess it was good that I did this, I definatly hurt LESS people this way.. But I hurt people none the less and it wasn't until in hindsight.. I saw what i'd done, things i'd destroyed.
After I got some help(through medication & therapy) i started to feel more like me again.I started to build bridges with people, and build new friendships.
In the last few months... I've started to slip again.. my mood has soured somewhat. I'm starting to get angry and upset more easily.
I am so scared of revealing this to anyone i've gotten close with, but at the same time.. I'm scared of hurting them.
So I'm alone.. I'm alone most of the time now, apart from the occasional dinner with friends.. friends at work and selected family.
I'm realising I may need to get some help again,but im really scared about doing that again. I finished my therapy on such a high.. I was feeling fantastic... then of course a lot of shit happened.
Am I weak for running away?
Or smart for taking the alone approach again?
I just don't know..
I'm so confused right now..
I need some help..
Posted by Caz at 7:02 PM 2 comments
Labels: Depression, Help, Life
Thursday, March 19, 2009
About me- With a picture of one of my tattoo's!
| A Little About Me | |
| 1) Eye Colour | Green, with a brown spot on the right side of my left eye.. dont you forget it!! |
| 2) Hair Colour | Blonde.. natually.. and normally light but the lady wrecked it last time i had it done. |
| 3) Height | 5'4 and a bit.. |
| 4) Right or Left Handed | right handed |
| 5) Your Weakness | People who say all the right things... |
| 6) Your Fears | Spiders...and not having children |
| 7) Your Most Overused Phrase | fuck.. im sorry its true |
| 8) Thoughts First Waking Up | WHY WHY WHY |
| 9) Your Best Physical Feature | eyes |
| 10) Your Bedtime | Whenever I want!! |
| 11) Pepsi or Coke | Coke |
| 12) McDonalds or Burger King | mmmmm buger king or hungry jacks as its known in Australia |
| 13) Ice Cream or Yogurt | Ice cream |
| 14) Pizza or Chinese | PIZZA |
| 15) Waffles or Pancakes | mmm pancakes |
| 16) Single or Group Dates | Single for sure |
| 17) Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea | neither |
| 18) Chocolate or Vanilla | Chocolate |
| 19) Cappuccino or Coffee | coffee |
| 20) Do You Smoke | Yes(I am thinking about quiting.. so thats better than not thinking about it) |
| 21) Do You Drink | Rarely |
| 22) Do You Swear | Constantly |
| 23) Do You Sing | always |
| 24) Do You Shower Daily | yes |
| 25) Do You Floss | err not as much as i should |
| 26) Do You Drive | yes.. love it |
| 27) Have You Been In Love | Yes |
| 28) Have You Ever Cheated On Your Bf/Gf | nope |
| 29) Do You Want To Get Married | nope |
| 30) Do You Believe in Yourself | Not a whole heap |
| 31) Do You Get Motion Sickness | nope yayyyyyyyy |
| 32) Do You Think You are Attractive | nooo |
| 33) Do You Get Along With Your Parents | not anymore |
| 34) Do You Have Any Brothers or Sisters | Yes, two older brothers |
| 35) Do You Like Thunderstorms | YES!!! as long as im safe |
| 36) Do You Play an Instrument | I can sing.. this is all |
| 37) Do You Have any Pets | Max and Molly <3 I heart my puppies |
| 38) What Is Your Favorite Colour | Purple |
| 39) In the past month have you Drank Alcohol | yes |
| 40) In the past month have you Smoked | yes |
| 41) In the past month have you been on Drugs | does the pill count? |
| 42) In the past month have you gone on a Date | I wish! |
| 43) In the past month have you gone to a Mall | yup, but in australia we call them shopping centres |
| 44) In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos | no |
| 45) In the past month have you eaten Sushi | yes |
| 46) In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping | no |
| 47) In the past month have you Stolen Anything | no |
| 48) Ever Been Drunk | yes 13-18.. then after that not so much |
| 49) Ever Been Called a Tease | yes |
| 50) Ever Shoplifted | noooooooo |
| 51) Ever Gotten a Speeding Ticket | yes two in two weeks but thats it |
| 52) Ever Had a Secret Crush | yes :( |
| 53) Ever Been to Disney | NO! |
| 54) When Was the Last Time You Were Drunk | Months ago |
| 55) When Was the Last Time You Were on a Plane | Last year |
| 56) When Was the Last Time You Heard "I Love You" | a month ago? |
| 57) When Was the Last Time You Cried | sunday!! |
| 58) Number of Piercings | None |
| 59) Number of Tattoos | 3 |
| 60) Number of Things in My Past I Regret | 189327189273918274895729482 |
| Take this survey | Create your own survey | Daily survey | |
| Explore Thousands of Life Experiences. | |
Posted by Caz at 8:53 PM 0 comments
Moving too the country, gonna eat alot of peaches
shhh don't tell anyone.
I don't really like peaches.
I just like songs about peaches.. or BY peaches.
So weird.
Its so funny though, I used to have so much to write about when I was younger.
But now I struggle to put them all into something that is worth posting in an entry.. ya know?
I still feel like I have SO much I could say..
But just.. no words
