Finding my feet

I guess a testiment to how good I am doing "mentally" is the fact that I don't update my blog anywhere NEAR what I should. For me this is a huge indicator.
I no longer have a nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach when I have to rise each morning.
It's weird for me, sometimes I find coming out of a depressing state of mind is just as weird as going into one. Part of it just doesn't feel real.
I am like everyone, I have my good days and my bad days.
My bad days are few and far between and they aren't as bad.

I wonder how I got there.. into that place where everything became to much.
My emotions and more so my complex anger just got the better of me.
I wonder if this is in me, if i'll be this way for life or if there is ever a time I will live happily and drug free.
I will always walk with my head held high.
Infact I get told I dont look like a normal fat chick, there words.. not mine..
Its because I walk with my head up, shoulders back and ready to face the world.
Regardless of the mood I am in, happy or sad. That is one thing I will never let go of, my mother taught me well.

I often wonder about how different my life would be if my mum never got sick.
I'd never have quit TAFE, hopefully I would have gone on to university.. I'd be finished my degree and be in my 1st year of teaching. I'd had never had met RM or B, or M.. I'd never have felt such extreme lows and rechoiced the moments of happiness i've felt. I wouldn't be this fat, or this broke.... I wouldn't have lost the friends I have......

Those are all what if's. What if's i'll wonder about for the rest of my life.