I am not strong

The other night when I was drunk dialed by my depressed friend RM.
I sat there and listened to him tell me about how wonderful I was.
I don't like compliments, I don't think there justified.
In the course of the conversation he proclaimed many times that he loved me.
Many many many times. It was the booze more than likely, his depression and loneliness getting to him.
At the end of the conversation when he was in one of his speals.. I asked him.
"why"

He paused and said "you are so strong"
I guess not the most obvious reason why you would love someone, but anyway he was drunk so I'll forgive him.

I am tough, I have a thick skin but sometimes I break.

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I had a pretty good day, I was relaxed lots of laughing looking forward to the weekend. I was optimistic about going to the footy with dad on Sunday and cleaning tomorrow. Sleeping in. Ya know all the weekend jazz.
When I got home dad was home, I wasn't expecting that at all.

I realised I had left the dishes from last nights dinner.

1 baking, 1 saucepan, 1 plate, and a knife and fork.
What I found in the sink was significantly more than that.

I wanted to unwind when I got home from work.
For an hour, I played my computer.

My dad comes into my room.

"How about doing those fucking dishes that are sitting in the sink"

Okay.. weird I think to myself he was in a great mood when I got home.

My response was
"mmm hmm"

Because I was playing a video game.

"Fucking get up and do it now you slob or i'll turn the power off"

Again weird.

Within 2 minutes I am up and doing the dishes.
I think to myself.

"Hey fuck... I didn't need that.. I don't deserve that"

I causally hand him the football tickets he left me.
I also tell him I'm not going to his daughters girlfriends school concert.

All extremely calm.

when I finish the dishes 20 minutes later he comes into my room, and takes the tv that is in all fairness his and says "get your own"

5 minutes later he disconnects the Internet.
Whatever, but now I am pissed because it appears he is taking his shit out on me.
He starts to vacuum, so random... I was gonna do that tomorrow.

I go out and ask him why he's being such a jack ass.
He proceeds to tell me about all the mess and how is disgusting.
Believe me.. I don't live in filth my dads never even seen filth.

I pretty much plead my case. That I have done nothing wrong.

He then goes into a speal about how horrible I am and how I do nothing and I am this and I am that.

In the process of this, being abused and taunted with things about myself that aren't true.
I loose it.
I throw a few little things on the ground that ARE NT MINE. But are the apparent mess.

He then begins to taunt me, and now I am yelling.
He's smirking, telling me how horrible I am.

So.. I do something I've never done before.

I attack.
I lunge at him and start hitting. (Not hard, or in the face)
Pretty much just want him to shut up.
By this stage I am hysterically crying and not even understanding what the fuck has happened.

I am not a violent person.. I was just so angry that he'd attacked me.
If I deserved it, fair enough.
BUT I DIDN'T.

I witnessed a lot of things in my parents marriage.
I saw my mum lunge at my dad many times and try and shut him up.
I saw that anger and never understood it....

But now I do.

As I write this, I am somber. I am sad. Shocked. Disapointed.

I am a WHOLE lot of things.

I am not strong.