Finding my feet

I guess a testiment to how good I am doing "mentally" is the fact that I don't update my blog anywhere NEAR what I should. For me this is a huge indicator.
I no longer have a nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach when I have to rise each morning.
It's weird for me, sometimes I find coming out of a depressing state of mind is just as weird as going into one. Part of it just doesn't feel real.
I am like everyone, I have my good days and my bad days.
My bad days are few and far between and they aren't as bad.

I wonder how I got there.. into that place where everything became to much.
My emotions and more so my complex anger just got the better of me.
I wonder if this is in me, if i'll be this way for life or if there is ever a time I will live happily and drug free.
I will always walk with my head held high.
Infact I get told I dont look like a normal fat chick, there words.. not mine..
Its because I walk with my head up, shoulders back and ready to face the world.
Regardless of the mood I am in, happy or sad. That is one thing I will never let go of, my mother taught me well.

I often wonder about how different my life would be if my mum never got sick.
I'd never have quit TAFE, hopefully I would have gone on to university.. I'd be finished my degree and be in my 1st year of teaching. I'd had never had met RM or B, or M.. I'd never have felt such extreme lows and rechoiced the moments of happiness i've felt. I wouldn't be this fat, or this broke.... I wouldn't have lost the friends I have......

Those are all what if's. What if's i'll wonder about for the rest of my life.

I know I suck

I haven't been updating.
I fail at ICLW.
I am just not feeling very....
I dunno.. There is just something thats off.
I will be back to life before I know it.
The fight with dad really threw me for a six.
On saturday morning he appolgised realising he'd taken it to far.
But it all feels to late.
It feels like he doesn't want, or need me in his life.
That is the worst feeling.
Knowing I've lost one parent, and I'm loosing the other.

I need everything to pick up a bit.

I am not strong

The other night when I was drunk dialed by my depressed friend RM.
I sat there and listened to him tell me about how wonderful I was.
I don't like compliments, I don't think there justified.
In the course of the conversation he proclaimed many times that he loved me.
Many many many times. It was the booze more than likely, his depression and loneliness getting to him.
At the end of the conversation when he was in one of his speals.. I asked him.
"why"

He paused and said "you are so strong"
I guess not the most obvious reason why you would love someone, but anyway he was drunk so I'll forgive him.

I am tough, I have a thick skin but sometimes I break.

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I had a pretty good day, I was relaxed lots of laughing looking forward to the weekend. I was optimistic about going to the footy with dad on Sunday and cleaning tomorrow. Sleeping in. Ya know all the weekend jazz.
When I got home dad was home, I wasn't expecting that at all.

I realised I had left the dishes from last nights dinner.

1 baking, 1 saucepan, 1 plate, and a knife and fork.
What I found in the sink was significantly more than that.

I wanted to unwind when I got home from work.
For an hour, I played my computer.

My dad comes into my room.

"How about doing those fucking dishes that are sitting in the sink"

Okay.. weird I think to myself he was in a great mood when I got home.

My response was
"mmm hmm"

Because I was playing a video game.

"Fucking get up and do it now you slob or i'll turn the power off"

Again weird.

Within 2 minutes I am up and doing the dishes.
I think to myself.

"Hey fuck... I didn't need that.. I don't deserve that"

I causally hand him the football tickets he left me.
I also tell him I'm not going to his daughters girlfriends school concert.

All extremely calm.

when I finish the dishes 20 minutes later he comes into my room, and takes the tv that is in all fairness his and says "get your own"

5 minutes later he disconnects the Internet.
Whatever, but now I am pissed because it appears he is taking his shit out on me.
He starts to vacuum, so random... I was gonna do that tomorrow.

I go out and ask him why he's being such a jack ass.
He proceeds to tell me about all the mess and how is disgusting.
Believe me.. I don't live in filth my dads never even seen filth.

I pretty much plead my case. That I have done nothing wrong.

He then goes into a speal about how horrible I am and how I do nothing and I am this and I am that.

In the process of this, being abused and taunted with things about myself that aren't true.
I loose it.
I throw a few little things on the ground that ARE NT MINE. But are the apparent mess.

He then begins to taunt me, and now I am yelling.
He's smirking, telling me how horrible I am.

So.. I do something I've never done before.

I attack.
I lunge at him and start hitting. (Not hard, or in the face)
Pretty much just want him to shut up.
By this stage I am hysterically crying and not even understanding what the fuck has happened.

I am not a violent person.. I was just so angry that he'd attacked me.
If I deserved it, fair enough.
BUT I DIDN'T.

I witnessed a lot of things in my parents marriage.
I saw my mum lunge at my dad many times and try and shut him up.
I saw that anger and never understood it....

But now I do.

As I write this, I am somber. I am sad. Shocked. Disapointed.

I am a WHOLE lot of things.

I am not strong.

He's alive

I could have killed him when he called me this afternoon.
AS IF you worry me like that.
He said he "left his phone somewhere and didnt know where it was"
Um yeah..
That didn't happen.

He's still too fucked up for me to call him out on it.
Fucking drama.
I tell ya, im too old for this shit.

In other news
ITS THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST.
and its thursday tomorrow.
And I am FREAKING out.
So many changes.
don't have the energy to even THINK about them.

Does it

Does it make me stupid for still caring?
Does it make me foolish for wishing all your pain away?
Does it make me a hypocrite to suddenly believe what your telling me is the truth. Your truth that is.

I am stupid.
I am foolish
I am a hypocrite.

But this is the thing about me.
The thing that makes me know that I'm not in capable of love.

I love deeply and without a sense of reason.
For the wisest words you have ever spoken were.

"Be true to YOUR heart, not my heart. Don't worry about me"
That's when I knew a part of your heart, was my heart and that it came back just the same way.
I know I am stupid, foolish, selfish, a little nuts and clearly in way to deep.

But I love you.. unconditionally and even when your belligerent.
Because that's who you are.
And really does anything else matter?

I will

NOT be a door mat
NOT drop what I am doing to help others
NOT put other peoples needs ahead of my own
NOT worry about everyone so much
NOT care so much
NOT cry so much
NOT NOT NOT

Why cant I be left ALONE.
FARK

The shit my family does

After my mum died.. yeah I know I start alot of posts like that.. but its just so true. It is such a defining moment. None of us had really known life without mum. Dad was with her since he was 17, we'd been around her since we came into the world.
We were used to it, stuck in the patterns that had become our life.

Anyways. After mum died we became one of those households.
The households that only purchase items after they have run out of the essentials.
I'm talking.. dishwashing powder is only aquired when we realise we are gonna have to do dishes by hand. Washing powder is only brought when someone does to do a load of washing and realises they are gonna have to go without.
All the essentials, except shampoo and conditioner coz shit no one wants to have dirty hair are only brought when we are at the end of the run and completly without.

I noticed on friday we were running low on toilet paper. I made a mental note to buy some. Of course this note got pushed to the back of my mind and I forgot.
I went to pee yesterday and realised we were without but AH-HA. We had a box of tissues.. problem solved.

This morning when I went to pee I used the last tissues.
Crap.. well I had to get lunch anyway.
I went into the shops and picked up a 12 pack on special and in the front of one of the isles.
In most super markets.. well the one I go to, the toilet paper is in the last isle. It gives me the shits! (no pun intended)
I grabbed some lunch and headed home.
When I walked into the kitchen I noticed a 12 pack sitting on the bench.. My dad was cooking and goes " your the third one to buy toilet paper"

To end this story, we now have 30 rolls of toilet paper in the cupboard.

Can someone please tell me we are not the only family who does stupid shit like this?

Itchy nipples

Well left nipple to be exact.
Its annoying enough to have an itchy nipple at home or in private.
But at work when you are surrounded by 15 guys at all times.

Ouchy.
Such a sensitive area as well.

Blah

Glad its friday.
Nothing planned for the weekend.
Playing online poker and listening to the spice girls.
Is it just me or did they wear ALOT of make-up?
Looking back they wore more make up than a drag queen

Thats my hilarious observation for the night.
Clearly I am very with it today.

What happened to me?

I used to be able to pack my feeling into a box at the drop of a hat.
Every little thing I felt would disapear.
The only thing I could feel was what I WANTED to feel.
I was numb.
Completly numb.
Why can't I be that way?
Why I am NOT in control?
Why am I so unsure of everything?
Why do I just want to disapear?
I need answers.
I need them now.
I can only get them from myself.
But the good half of my personality is not co-operating.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Tomorrow is a new day

As much as yesterday sucked.
Coz it did, I learnt some pretty valuable lesson.

1) Be careful who you give your heart too.

2) Always fill the car up with enough petrol to get you from point A to B.

3) Don't try and do too many things at once.. you will fall over.
Evidence of this is the giant scrape and bruise I have on my back.

Regardless of this.. A bit of sleep, and a chat with a great friend turned my frown upside down.

Besides another week is almost over.
Whats better than the weekend?

Revealing

I can’t…

Make the bed without it falling apart in the middle of the night.


Sing like I used to be able to before I started smoking

Ignore one of M's burps without following it with my own.. even if I dont need to


Watch beaches without crying

Really explain to someone what they mean to me face to face.

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I can…

Flip my eye lids inside out, yes its gross no I wont do it and scare you.

Almost always cry on demand.

Never stop loving someone who has place in my heart.

Reverse parelle park even though I was never taught.

Make fun of myself almost everday for the amusment of others
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I won’t…

Ever forget my mothers eyes, as they are my eyes. She lives through me.

Repress memories because they are to painful

Let my eyebrows go more than 2 weeks without being waxed, its a slight obsession

Ever loose the ring I am wearing on my right middle finger.

Hurt someone on purpose because they hurt me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will…

Always try and be the best daughter I can be.. Even if its as simple as making my dad dinner so he doesn't sulk or starve.

Try at let people in more and remove some of my walls.

Not tell white lies.

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I shouldn’t…

Swear so much.

Eat so many sovlakis (BUT THEY ARE SOOO GOOD)<----

Push people away.

Jump to conculsions when I don't know the facts.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I should…

Quit smoking.

Find SOME form of exercise that I enjoy. (Do they have fat chicks only dancing?)

Get my ass into gear and sign up for uni even though I am scared.

Never ever ever litter(I know I am a terrible person)

Guilt

There is so much sad news floating around as of late.
Several IF blogs I follow have had terrible terrible news.
My friend's mum has just started chemo for advanced breast cancer.
I am finding it SO hard to reach out to here, that I just haven't yet.
I am scared, scared of saying the wrong thing, saying too much or not enough.
Every one's experience is different, for S this is the first family heart ache she has had to endure. That seems unlikely but its true.
For me, my mothers cancer was just another bump in the road.
A long road, less travelled.
Its so hard to see someone you love sick.
Seeing a parent sick is particularly hard because you see them as such a strong figure. Her mother is going to be sick, and broken. She'll be angry and upset.
She'll loose her hair, her breasts and possibly her self esteem in the process.

What can you say to that?
How can you in a way try and prepare someone for what you know lies ahead of them?
I guess the answer is you cant.
You can't tell someone they are about to see the worst, because they need hope that they might see the best.
You can't claim to know what it's like to walk in someone Else's shoes.
Even if you've walked in shoes that might be the same size and shape.
Sometimes you have to stand to the side of the path they are walking down.
Hold out your hands and say to them.

If you stumble, I will catch you.
If you need to fall apart, I will listen to you.
If you need to laugh, I will laugh with you.

For all the times I've travelled down a similar path.
I never realised how hard it was to be standing on the other side.
With baited breath you wait to find the right things to say or do.
But there are no right things to do.

Sometimes just knowing that people are standing beside you, is the greatest comfort of all.

All for believing

Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within

I know you blanket your mind so much that I am blind
But I
I see you've painted your soul into your guard
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing

I need to know just how you feel to comfort you
I need to find the key
Let me in
Into your heart to find your soul

Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing

I'm all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within
And say you will be there for me to hold
When the faith grows old and life turns cold
When the faith grows old and life turns cold

So if you're cold I will stay
Maybe fate will guide the way
I believe in what I see and baby we were meant to be

Capable

I've been thinking about B's comments.

Am I really scared of love?
Do I put a wall up?
Do I feel the need to stop people from loving me?

If I was to be honest. To hurt myself in saying this.
The answer to all of those questions.
Is yes.


Yes I am scared of love.
Why wouldn't I be?

Love has and always will be one of the most painful experiences you can go through.
To love someone gives away a peice of your sanity.

I don't mind living for others. But I hate others living for me.

I'm not gonna sit here and say I've loved and lost so many times.
I haven't.

Each time I've felt love it's been completely different.
Each time its made me question the feelings that came before it.

Is this the real deal?
Will this be it?
Do I want this to be it?

With love comes loss.
Loss is something I've had my fair share of.
Something I'm not willing to take lightly.

Call me sceptical. Or synical. Call me stupid.. I don't care.

Love has always hit me when I least expected it.
Each time I have learnt new lessons.

Love 1- Be true to yourself
Love 2- Sometimes you have to see yourself as others see you
Love 3- Sometimes love just isn't enough
Love 4- True friendship is the essence of companionship
Love 5- Follow your heart

As I look back, I marvel at all of the things I've learnt.
I know that being cold and synical won't help me to learn any new lessons.

I will continue to be overly cautious with my heart.
Because it's become a part of who I am.

That next love.. that's out there.. they'll except that part of me..
They'll except any shitty part of me.

Wont they?

A Okay

Yup thats what I am.
No cysts.
Good lining.
Normal uterus.
Normal Ovaries.
ect ect ect ect

I was the last appointment for the day.. I waited 2 hours to be seen.
I saw sooo many impaitent rude people being rude to the nurses and complaining very loudly.
Tell me people, what does that achieve?

The public healthcare system in this country is good.
If you've gotta wait and your not going to curl over and die in the next 5 minutes then shut up and read your book.

oh she also said its not rare for periods to become extremely light and almost non exisitant while on the pill.. I kinda knew that..
It doesn't bother me so i'll just keep going with what I am doing.
Not really fussed.

Other than that, work was busy.
A guy who has worked for us for 50 years is retiring this month.
It feels weird, he's the guy who hired me.
He is also M's grandfather, he is a really sweet man.
He'll be missed.

Wow I am tired.. I don't have the energy to shower but I must.

I can't believe tomorrow is friday.