Finding my feet

I guess a testiment to how good I am doing "mentally" is the fact that I don't update my blog anywhere NEAR what I should. For me this is a huge indicator.
I no longer have a nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach when I have to rise each morning.
It's weird for me, sometimes I find coming out of a depressing state of mind is just as weird as going into one. Part of it just doesn't feel real.
I am like everyone, I have my good days and my bad days.
My bad days are few and far between and they aren't as bad.

I wonder how I got there.. into that place where everything became to much.
My emotions and more so my complex anger just got the better of me.
I wonder if this is in me, if i'll be this way for life or if there is ever a time I will live happily and drug free.
I will always walk with my head held high.
Infact I get told I dont look like a normal fat chick, there words.. not mine..
Its because I walk with my head up, shoulders back and ready to face the world.
Regardless of the mood I am in, happy or sad. That is one thing I will never let go of, my mother taught me well.

I often wonder about how different my life would be if my mum never got sick.
I'd never have quit TAFE, hopefully I would have gone on to university.. I'd be finished my degree and be in my 1st year of teaching. I'd had never had met RM or B, or M.. I'd never have felt such extreme lows and rechoiced the moments of happiness i've felt. I wouldn't be this fat, or this broke.... I wouldn't have lost the friends I have......

Those are all what if's. What if's i'll wonder about for the rest of my life.

I know I suck

I haven't been updating.
I fail at ICLW.
I am just not feeling very....
I dunno.. There is just something thats off.
I will be back to life before I know it.
The fight with dad really threw me for a six.
On saturday morning he appolgised realising he'd taken it to far.
But it all feels to late.
It feels like he doesn't want, or need me in his life.
That is the worst feeling.
Knowing I've lost one parent, and I'm loosing the other.

I need everything to pick up a bit.

I am not strong

The other night when I was drunk dialed by my depressed friend RM.
I sat there and listened to him tell me about how wonderful I was.
I don't like compliments, I don't think there justified.
In the course of the conversation he proclaimed many times that he loved me.
Many many many times. It was the booze more than likely, his depression and loneliness getting to him.
At the end of the conversation when he was in one of his speals.. I asked him.
"why"

He paused and said "you are so strong"
I guess not the most obvious reason why you would love someone, but anyway he was drunk so I'll forgive him.

I am tough, I have a thick skin but sometimes I break.

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I had a pretty good day, I was relaxed lots of laughing looking forward to the weekend. I was optimistic about going to the footy with dad on Sunday and cleaning tomorrow. Sleeping in. Ya know all the weekend jazz.
When I got home dad was home, I wasn't expecting that at all.

I realised I had left the dishes from last nights dinner.

1 baking, 1 saucepan, 1 plate, and a knife and fork.
What I found in the sink was significantly more than that.

I wanted to unwind when I got home from work.
For an hour, I played my computer.

My dad comes into my room.

"How about doing those fucking dishes that are sitting in the sink"

Okay.. weird I think to myself he was in a great mood when I got home.

My response was
"mmm hmm"

Because I was playing a video game.

"Fucking get up and do it now you slob or i'll turn the power off"

Again weird.

Within 2 minutes I am up and doing the dishes.
I think to myself.

"Hey fuck... I didn't need that.. I don't deserve that"

I causally hand him the football tickets he left me.
I also tell him I'm not going to his daughters girlfriends school concert.

All extremely calm.

when I finish the dishes 20 minutes later he comes into my room, and takes the tv that is in all fairness his and says "get your own"

5 minutes later he disconnects the Internet.
Whatever, but now I am pissed because it appears he is taking his shit out on me.
He starts to vacuum, so random... I was gonna do that tomorrow.

I go out and ask him why he's being such a jack ass.
He proceeds to tell me about all the mess and how is disgusting.
Believe me.. I don't live in filth my dads never even seen filth.

I pretty much plead my case. That I have done nothing wrong.

He then goes into a speal about how horrible I am and how I do nothing and I am this and I am that.

In the process of this, being abused and taunted with things about myself that aren't true.
I loose it.
I throw a few little things on the ground that ARE NT MINE. But are the apparent mess.

He then begins to taunt me, and now I am yelling.
He's smirking, telling me how horrible I am.

So.. I do something I've never done before.

I attack.
I lunge at him and start hitting. (Not hard, or in the face)
Pretty much just want him to shut up.
By this stage I am hysterically crying and not even understanding what the fuck has happened.

I am not a violent person.. I was just so angry that he'd attacked me.
If I deserved it, fair enough.
BUT I DIDN'T.

I witnessed a lot of things in my parents marriage.
I saw my mum lunge at my dad many times and try and shut him up.
I saw that anger and never understood it....

But now I do.

As I write this, I am somber. I am sad. Shocked. Disapointed.

I am a WHOLE lot of things.

I am not strong.

He's alive

I could have killed him when he called me this afternoon.
AS IF you worry me like that.
He said he "left his phone somewhere and didnt know where it was"
Um yeah..
That didn't happen.

He's still too fucked up for me to call him out on it.
Fucking drama.
I tell ya, im too old for this shit.

In other news
ITS THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST.
and its thursday tomorrow.
And I am FREAKING out.
So many changes.
don't have the energy to even THINK about them.

Does it

Does it make me stupid for still caring?
Does it make me foolish for wishing all your pain away?
Does it make me a hypocrite to suddenly believe what your telling me is the truth. Your truth that is.

I am stupid.
I am foolish
I am a hypocrite.

But this is the thing about me.
The thing that makes me know that I'm not in capable of love.

I love deeply and without a sense of reason.
For the wisest words you have ever spoken were.

"Be true to YOUR heart, not my heart. Don't worry about me"
That's when I knew a part of your heart, was my heart and that it came back just the same way.
I know I am stupid, foolish, selfish, a little nuts and clearly in way to deep.

But I love you.. unconditionally and even when your belligerent.
Because that's who you are.
And really does anything else matter?

I will

NOT be a door mat
NOT drop what I am doing to help others
NOT put other peoples needs ahead of my own
NOT worry about everyone so much
NOT care so much
NOT cry so much
NOT NOT NOT

Why cant I be left ALONE.
FARK

The shit my family does

After my mum died.. yeah I know I start alot of posts like that.. but its just so true. It is such a defining moment. None of us had really known life without mum. Dad was with her since he was 17, we'd been around her since we came into the world.
We were used to it, stuck in the patterns that had become our life.

Anyways. After mum died we became one of those households.
The households that only purchase items after they have run out of the essentials.
I'm talking.. dishwashing powder is only aquired when we realise we are gonna have to do dishes by hand. Washing powder is only brought when someone does to do a load of washing and realises they are gonna have to go without.
All the essentials, except shampoo and conditioner coz shit no one wants to have dirty hair are only brought when we are at the end of the run and completly without.

I noticed on friday we were running low on toilet paper. I made a mental note to buy some. Of course this note got pushed to the back of my mind and I forgot.
I went to pee yesterday and realised we were without but AH-HA. We had a box of tissues.. problem solved.

This morning when I went to pee I used the last tissues.
Crap.. well I had to get lunch anyway.
I went into the shops and picked up a 12 pack on special and in the front of one of the isles.
In most super markets.. well the one I go to, the toilet paper is in the last isle. It gives me the shits! (no pun intended)
I grabbed some lunch and headed home.
When I walked into the kitchen I noticed a 12 pack sitting on the bench.. My dad was cooking and goes " your the third one to buy toilet paper"

To end this story, we now have 30 rolls of toilet paper in the cupboard.

Can someone please tell me we are not the only family who does stupid shit like this?

Itchy nipples

Well left nipple to be exact.
Its annoying enough to have an itchy nipple at home or in private.
But at work when you are surrounded by 15 guys at all times.

Ouchy.
Such a sensitive area as well.

Blah

Glad its friday.
Nothing planned for the weekend.
Playing online poker and listening to the spice girls.
Is it just me or did they wear ALOT of make-up?
Looking back they wore more make up than a drag queen

Thats my hilarious observation for the night.
Clearly I am very with it today.

What happened to me?

I used to be able to pack my feeling into a box at the drop of a hat.
Every little thing I felt would disapear.
The only thing I could feel was what I WANTED to feel.
I was numb.
Completly numb.
Why can't I be that way?
Why I am NOT in control?
Why am I so unsure of everything?
Why do I just want to disapear?
I need answers.
I need them now.
I can only get them from myself.
But the good half of my personality is not co-operating.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Tomorrow is a new day

As much as yesterday sucked.
Coz it did, I learnt some pretty valuable lesson.

1) Be careful who you give your heart too.

2) Always fill the car up with enough petrol to get you from point A to B.

3) Don't try and do too many things at once.. you will fall over.
Evidence of this is the giant scrape and bruise I have on my back.

Regardless of this.. A bit of sleep, and a chat with a great friend turned my frown upside down.

Besides another week is almost over.
Whats better than the weekend?

Revealing

I can’t…

Make the bed without it falling apart in the middle of the night.


Sing like I used to be able to before I started smoking

Ignore one of M's burps without following it with my own.. even if I dont need to


Watch beaches without crying

Really explain to someone what they mean to me face to face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can…

Flip my eye lids inside out, yes its gross no I wont do it and scare you.

Almost always cry on demand.

Never stop loving someone who has place in my heart.

Reverse parelle park even though I was never taught.

Make fun of myself almost everday for the amusment of others
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I won’t…

Ever forget my mothers eyes, as they are my eyes. She lives through me.

Repress memories because they are to painful

Let my eyebrows go more than 2 weeks without being waxed, its a slight obsession

Ever loose the ring I am wearing on my right middle finger.

Hurt someone on purpose because they hurt me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will…

Always try and be the best daughter I can be.. Even if its as simple as making my dad dinner so he doesn't sulk or starve.

Try at let people in more and remove some of my walls.

Not tell white lies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shouldn’t…

Swear so much.

Eat so many sovlakis (BUT THEY ARE SOOO GOOD)<----

Push people away.

Jump to conculsions when I don't know the facts.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I should…

Quit smoking.

Find SOME form of exercise that I enjoy. (Do they have fat chicks only dancing?)

Get my ass into gear and sign up for uni even though I am scared.

Never ever ever litter(I know I am a terrible person)

Guilt

There is so much sad news floating around as of late.
Several IF blogs I follow have had terrible terrible news.
My friend's mum has just started chemo for advanced breast cancer.
I am finding it SO hard to reach out to here, that I just haven't yet.
I am scared, scared of saying the wrong thing, saying too much or not enough.
Every one's experience is different, for S this is the first family heart ache she has had to endure. That seems unlikely but its true.
For me, my mothers cancer was just another bump in the road.
A long road, less travelled.
Its so hard to see someone you love sick.
Seeing a parent sick is particularly hard because you see them as such a strong figure. Her mother is going to be sick, and broken. She'll be angry and upset.
She'll loose her hair, her breasts and possibly her self esteem in the process.

What can you say to that?
How can you in a way try and prepare someone for what you know lies ahead of them?
I guess the answer is you cant.
You can't tell someone they are about to see the worst, because they need hope that they might see the best.
You can't claim to know what it's like to walk in someone Else's shoes.
Even if you've walked in shoes that might be the same size and shape.
Sometimes you have to stand to the side of the path they are walking down.
Hold out your hands and say to them.

If you stumble, I will catch you.
If you need to fall apart, I will listen to you.
If you need to laugh, I will laugh with you.

For all the times I've travelled down a similar path.
I never realised how hard it was to be standing on the other side.
With baited breath you wait to find the right things to say or do.
But there are no right things to do.

Sometimes just knowing that people are standing beside you, is the greatest comfort of all.

All for believing

Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within

I know you blanket your mind so much that I am blind
But I
I see you've painted your soul into your guard
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing

I need to know just how you feel to comfort you
I need to find the key
Let me in
Into your heart to find your soul

Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing

I'm all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within
And say you will be there for me to hold
When the faith grows old and life turns cold
When the faith grows old and life turns cold

So if you're cold I will stay
Maybe fate will guide the way
I believe in what I see and baby we were meant to be

Capable

I've been thinking about B's comments.

Am I really scared of love?
Do I put a wall up?
Do I feel the need to stop people from loving me?

If I was to be honest. To hurt myself in saying this.
The answer to all of those questions.
Is yes.


Yes I am scared of love.
Why wouldn't I be?

Love has and always will be one of the most painful experiences you can go through.
To love someone gives away a peice of your sanity.

I don't mind living for others. But I hate others living for me.

I'm not gonna sit here and say I've loved and lost so many times.
I haven't.

Each time I've felt love it's been completely different.
Each time its made me question the feelings that came before it.

Is this the real deal?
Will this be it?
Do I want this to be it?

With love comes loss.
Loss is something I've had my fair share of.
Something I'm not willing to take lightly.

Call me sceptical. Or synical. Call me stupid.. I don't care.

Love has always hit me when I least expected it.
Each time I have learnt new lessons.

Love 1- Be true to yourself
Love 2- Sometimes you have to see yourself as others see you
Love 3- Sometimes love just isn't enough
Love 4- True friendship is the essence of companionship
Love 5- Follow your heart

As I look back, I marvel at all of the things I've learnt.
I know that being cold and synical won't help me to learn any new lessons.

I will continue to be overly cautious with my heart.
Because it's become a part of who I am.

That next love.. that's out there.. they'll except that part of me..
They'll except any shitty part of me.

Wont they?

A Okay

Yup thats what I am.
No cysts.
Good lining.
Normal uterus.
Normal Ovaries.
ect ect ect ect

I was the last appointment for the day.. I waited 2 hours to be seen.
I saw sooo many impaitent rude people being rude to the nurses and complaining very loudly.
Tell me people, what does that achieve?

The public healthcare system in this country is good.
If you've gotta wait and your not going to curl over and die in the next 5 minutes then shut up and read your book.

oh she also said its not rare for periods to become extremely light and almost non exisitant while on the pill.. I kinda knew that..
It doesn't bother me so i'll just keep going with what I am doing.
Not really fussed.

Other than that, work was busy.
A guy who has worked for us for 50 years is retiring this month.
It feels weird, he's the guy who hired me.
He is also M's grandfather, he is a really sweet man.
He'll be missed.

Wow I am tired.. I don't have the energy to shower but I must.

I can't believe tomorrow is friday.

Ahh advice required.. again

I know I'm ALWAYS asking for advice but this one is pretty important and not something I want to stuff up.
As I mentioned in my previous post my friends mother has just been diganosed with an advanced and agressive type of breast cancer.

I don't know her mum.. EXTREMLY well. But we have met quite a few times she is a very friendly and kind person.
I'd like to do something.. or send something.
I know she'll be swamped in flowers, and cards to the point where its probably going to be overwhelming.
Chemo will be tough for her as it is for all those battle through it.

I found this poem online.
I was thinking about printing and framing it...


Remember when you heard the words -
and your mind went blank - you were in another world
God heals
Remember in your darkest hours -
when all that surrounds you is pain and sorrow
God heals
Remember friends' prayers - your family's encouragement
- glimmers of hope from everyday angels
God heals
Quiet...you can hear Him now -
always there - yet never this close
God heals
It's just another day -
yet everything has changed - and you hear yourself say
God heals
Birds are singing -
the sky is a beautiful blue - flowers are blooming...
God heals
Truths that you knew as a child -
awakened again with new understanding
God heals
Remember when others can't -
that life is a gift - each day to treasure
God Has Healed

I know her S's mum has faith... but I know in times like this people can be come angry and upset..
I am not sure if in doing this i'd be over stepping the boundary?

Believe me, its fucking WEIRD to be on the other side of hearing such terrible news.
I'm not used to this.

Some advice would be GREAT.

XX

Bad news sucks

It really really does.
A few weeks ago I was at my S's friends wedding.
Everything was really nice.
I noticed S's mum who is 50 years old and uber sweet and funny.. she's one of the cool mums.. but still responsible and wise.. Well she knows how to have fun.

It was her daughters wedding.. and I know that gives her permission to be emotional.. But I just kinda saw something in her that day.
While I was outside having a cigarette with a few of her friends.. we started talking about how we're all gonna die.. one of the ladies commented that her mother had breast cancer and died when she was this age... then the next lady in the group said the same thing. Then I followed with the same thing.
It was a weird topic to just be brought up.. I thought it strange.. especially for a wedding. But I let it go.

Today we had like a dinner party with just a few friends.
My friend invited S but she was unable to attend.
I jokingly asked if she was pregnant again (she already has a son) my friend informed me that they were gonna wait a while.. and I was joking around " Oh she'll be pregnant again in a few months.. you watch"
My friend turned to me in the nicest way possible and said "nah shes got some stuff going on"

Instantly I knew what it was.

Breast Cancer.

The big C strikes again..right at the heart of a loving family. Of a strong and wonderful mother, daughter, friend, spouse.
I am pissed. Pissed for her.. for the pain she will have to endure.
The cancer is aggressive.
It has already spread quite alot to lymph nodes, so they are opting for chemo first and then i am not sure if she's gonna have a masectomy or not.


S's mum has just started chemo.. I am gonna reach out to my friend and her mum in a few days. I don't want to overwhelm them in what will be such a tough time.

I know I've been doing this alot lately but if anyone's got any extra prayers or good thougths saved up.
I am just praying that she has the strength to beat this once and for all.

A diagnosis!

So dad went back to the specialist today.
The doctor suspects he has

Neurocardiogenic syncope
Also commonly known as 'A simple faint'
I guess in all serious-ness we could laugh?
This can be a serious a condition, they found a slight abnormality in his heart.
But I assume he wasn't listening... hmm...

A basic summary means, his blood pressure gets very very low when he is stressed, or dehydrated ect. So he faints. Not all people have seizures while they've fainted.
Its still obviously a concern that he blacks out for 12-13 minutes and appears to stop breathing and turn cold.

He will have a tilt table test which should confirm the diagnosis.

Dad will have to make some life style changes.. including.
Limiting alcohol, increasing fluid intake, eating at regular intervals.
If he contiunes to faint, and have seizures I am asuming he will be put on some kind of medication to help regulate it.

One thing that pissed me off about this is that its found to be genetic.
BOOO
I have an arythmia that they could never identify.
It was evident when I wore a heart monitor for 24 hours.
However it could not be induced.... and no blockages or problems showed on any cardic tests. So maybe Neurocardiogenic syncope is in my future.

Ha..
No I sound like im being sarcastic. I am extremely happy that he has been diganosed with something that is treatable and not a terrible dire diagnosis.

I am also happy that in 9 minutes I will cruise out of this place I call work and head off to have my eye brows waxed and my micro-derm done.
ahhh.. I will then take a chilaxed ride through traffic to my very good friends home.
We are having a small girls dinner party.
Wine, cheese, tacos and chocolate cake.

Can't wait to hang out with my girls.

I hope everyone is having a fine week.
Tomorrow is hump day.

*Crumps*

I've lost it.. Just a little

After a day like today..
I've lost it a little.
I'm talking to myself..
Doing stupid things.. like flipping oil in my face while I was taking the chicken out of the pan. OUCH much?
I am sure it will scar.. just coz thats the cool thing to do if your ME<---

On saturday I was crusing facebook.. I never do.. Some random from primary (elementary) school added me.. he's like "ohhh hey whats up you look hot"
Um hi.. your in a LTR and you have a kid. I appreicate you "THINKING" I look hot since you last saw me when I was 8 but seriously.. fuck off.
The funny thing is I have NO idea who he is.. I just know I went to school with him, coz we went to the same school and were in the same grade... um yeh his name is jamie.. which was a weird name back then for a kid. Hey it was the 90's...
Names like Max or Bailey or Jordan and even Jamie were COMPLETLY uncommon.
I must admit.. I am a bit of a freak with how my name is spelt but whatever.


So while cruising facebook as you know it comes up with "people you may know" and its insane to think just because you have ONE mutal friend in common that you know someone... Well turns out I did.. Turns out.. this was the friend of mine from 10 years ago that I met on the internet and was BEST friends with for 5 years. This is the same guy, who went off the deep end the same time as mum was diagnosed.. I was too fucked up for him, and he was too fucked up for me. Neither of us realised we needed help.. or each other. He pushed me out of his life.. and didn't allow me back in. Not even 2 years later. I tried to contact him.. to no avail.
But there he was.. sitting on facebook.. his profile wasn't private so I messaged him..
Just saying.. "hi how are you" blah blah.. I dont know if you'll respond but I just wanted you to know I often think about you....

A few hours later.. I was shocked to get a reply.
I BURST into tears.
His response was short but friendly.. I was desperate to know how he was and what was going on in his life... to reconnect.

This afternoon while on the phone to Boo.. I saw a response from him.

------


You can see my photo's? I didn't know I was letting that much info outside of the friends list setup thing. Thanks for the compliments on my pics. I appreciate it.

How am I... I'm on a steady program of Effexor and weekly sessions with my therapist. I feel like I'm getting better, but it's weird. I'm weird lol

I'm not sure if I'm ready for us to catch up yet? Sorry, I don't know how to word what I just said but I don't want it to be malicious. It's really nothing against you, I'm just worried that catching up right now might bring up stuff from my past... I don't think my shrink would approve lol. So please don't be offended. I'm not directly avoiding you I'm just trying to be safe/sane.

Anyway thanks again for finding me and sending me a message. I hope a little further on down the track we can finally catch up properly. I'm looking forward to that.

Sorry. But thank you for your patience :)

Bren.

-----

In a way the message broke my heart.
I remember what a fraile state he was in when our friendship ended.
I am so happy that he's on the right path.
I realised that MY therapy has helped me deal with what formally would have been known in my fucked up brain as "rejection"
But its self preservation. He is stronger than I and on the way to recovery.
I cried a little after I read and responded to his message.
It hurts that I can't have him back in my life, he was so important to me for so long.
It wasn't really our fault that our friendship was ruined.
As always there was a love story behind it.
He and my other friend dated for 2 years. It ended BADLY bascially in her pretending that he didn't exisit and not giving a crap when they broke up.
I remember he called me.. I couldn't understand him through his tears.. I sat with him on the phone not saying anything for 2 hours.. It broke my heart. He didn't recover... and still 4 years on he is still recovering.

So yeah... here I am slightly emotional. Glad that I am still feeling. So happy that he contacted me. So releaved to know he's okay. So hopefull for the future.

What's happened to me...
When did I become this normal????

Sleep = My Friend

I prepaired myself for my normal sunday night ritural of little or no sleep.
Its been going on for months now.
Despite waking up early-ish and having a productive day.. I suspected that I still wouldn't sleep.
At around 11:30, I sent RM a random txt message.
He blank messaged me back, which is our thing.
My response was "Don't you blank message me you email/phone call ignoring butt face"

His repsonse "doing it tough, shit weekend. Need a break badly"

I told him to take a break, because quite frankly.. he fucking needs it.
He's a nut job at the moment. I can tell.
Yeh the guy screwed me over and smashed my heart a little.. but I still care about him going off the deep end. I am not trying to save him. Just trying to be there.
Laugh at me all you want, I am young and stupid. So I have an excuse for being so nieve.

He admited that he was going to the doctors(possibly indicating meds) and seeing a shrink today. I was more than a little bit thrilled. Its not hard for ANYONE to know they need help. But for a middle aged guy who definatly has some serious issues.. I am really very fucking proud of him.

He started going on and on about when I was coming to Sydney.
My response indicated ummm never.
Then he started listing all my favourite things.
Motorbike riding, absailing, cocktails ha.
Its hard to say no to him, but at the end of the day. He knows that I am staying put.. At least until he is sane and we both accept we will be nothing more than friends. EVER.
I am not gonna lie. There is still a flutter there, but its dulled SIGNIFICANTLY>>>><<<< which is great because I am feeling better about it by the day.

Anyway onto other news.
Yes I'm sorry he still takes up so much of my time in this blog.

Dad...
Sorry what dad.. no im joking. I havent seen or spoken to him since last tuesday. I am assuming his still alive otherwise I would have heard something? Ha. Not funny.
He is still waiting to get test results back... the feedback he got during the tests was that they weren't able to identify everything.
He is trying to eat better-ish. Not go so hard on days when he's tired. But it's very hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
No news is apparently good news.


M's son J.
Poor little bugger now has a killer cold.
M is being the stay at home parent today so I am without him at work.
J Still doesnt have movement back in his face, but its a wait and see type thing.


One of my PET peeves is when people come to work sick.
One of the older guys here is in his office which is quite close to where I sit COUGHING his lungs up every 30 seconds.
It's terribly annoying and off putting.
Sick people belong IN BED

Well I better run.. there is work to be done.

Or something to that affect.

XX

Like sands through the hour glass

Well you know the rest.
As Time continues to pass us all by. This weekend I made the choice to be more proactive that I have been recently.
Although the alure of sleeping late, doing nothing and then bitching about why I get no sleep on sunday night/monday morning has clearly been high on my adgenda recently. I choose to do something different this weekend.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour, got up at a reasonable hour, drove around and did a few little things that I had been needing today.
Yesterday while on my way to breakfast.. I had rememered staring at the fridge for the 209824938 time thinking "god I wish you were clean" then closing the fridge and going about my business.
I decided that enough was enough and on the way home I stopped by to pick up an array of cleaning products.
Then I spent approximately 1.5 hours cleaning the fridge and the oven.

It's not that I hate cleaning.. but believe me I am no domestic godess and I hate ironing so much that I actually analyse the need for ironing when I am purchasing new items of clothing.

I will be the first too admit that my mother did everything for us.
She obsessivly cleaned the house, washed our sheets, did our ironing, dusted, vaccumed, mopped. You name it she did it. Daily, Weekly, Monthly.

When my mum got sick she insisted that I learnt how to do an array of domestic chores.. Such as knowing how to clean a toilet and bathroom properly.
I guess I resented this in a way because she wasnt grabbing my brothers by the arms and throwing them into the bathroom to learn how to scrub a bathtub just right.

As time as gone on, I have learnt to hate these mundane tasks more and more.
I will do them. Of course because I am not a dirty person.. I am a messy person.. but not a dirty person.

But it took me staring at the fridge for the upteenth time to know that it needed to be cleaned and organised.

Of course now that the fridge was clean. The pantry needed to be cleaned.
So thats my task for today. I am covered in flour and sugar... The bin is stocked full of rubbish. There are more bottles for the recyling bin than ever before.

Normally the thought of this would make me cringe.. but right now I am channeling my mum. I know it sounds stupid but she would be proud that I am not sitting on my ass.. well I am right now.. but I wont be in 5 minutes when I am back into my task.
She'd be proud that I saw something that needed to be done, and I did it.
Because that's what she would do.

There will come a day, when I can look in the mirror and know that all the good parts of her.. can in someway live on in me.
Even if its just in the way I clean the fridge, or the toilet or the sink.

Thats comforting when It seems like its all i've got left

Time

I am finding it hard to fathom that we are already into August.
In all honesty it seems like only yesterday it was new years eve.
I have been in my new position almost 12 months now.
My dad has been with his girlfriend for more than a year now.
My mum has almost been gone 3 years now.

Time, slipping away slowly from me.
I am closer to 23 than I am to 22.

I sit here and I try to process just how much my life has changed in the last few years. But I can't.
Sometimes I forget.
I forget everything thats happened.
All the tears, all the joy, all the heart ache.
But then I wake up and I know that this is my reality.
All of these things DID actually happen, and i've got no choice but to accept it and roll with the punches.
But damn sometimes isn't it hard

wow

I just watched the movie Dear Zachary Its a documentary about sharing the life and stories about his father.
His father was murdered by his mother.
Wow.. just wow.
I am without words honestly.