Head outta the sand

So after my last angry rant.
I went back into my room, tried and failed miserably 15 times to get my computer to start.
I could have thrown it against the wall.
I didn't, instead I crawled under the blankets and insisted that I was going to fall asleep wake up and everything would be better.
My ear would be cleared, and my computer would be in amazing working order.
After about 3 minutes of closing my eyes, wishing and hoping that everything would get better.
I said to myself "suck it up princess"
Get your ass outta bed, off to the hospital and get your ear cleaned.
As for your computer, its just a piece of equipment.It CAN be fixed, your still covered by warranty at this time.
So off I went, I took the long route to the hospital following my tom tom.
When I got there I prayed that on this sunny Sunday afternoon I would find a car park.
I did.
I went into emergency and was seen by triage immediately.
I was told it may be a few hours wait. I didn't mind, seriously with limited cash and no computer what else could I do on a Sunday afternoon?
I was seen within 30 minutes, which is amazing because last time I waited about 3 hours after being seen by the triage nurse.
I may have told a little white lie about being in pain.
I was in pain, I had a pain in my ass from all this stuff that constantly happens. As for my ear typical blockage very close to the ear drum.
The doctor was sincere and lovely. Very careful but by the end I wanted out of there.
I had become very very dizzy and nauseated.
She let me sit for a moment and then I was off.
Made great time getting home, and here I am hoping for a miracle and for my beautiful little piece of shit lap top to be working.
It sadly isn't to be.
Maybe I'll be brave and call HP customer help today,or maybe I'll put my washing on and go down to the shops to get some ingredients for a nice cake for the boys tomorrow.
Who knows, what I do know is..
I talked to myself, I put reason into my insane mind and got myself out of bed.
That's something I haven't done in a long time.
The logical part of my brain hasn't been very well for a while.
So I'm immensely proud of myself right now.

If the hospital was giving out lollipop's I would have totally deserved one.

Was I hitler in another life or something?

Note this post will contain a lot of swearing.
If swearing offends you... Please fuck off... At least for now.


My laptop was running SLOW last night, everything kept locking up.
I assumed it was just a bit warm, so I decided to shut down and call it a night.
This morning the darling booted as normal, but for some reason was still slow.
FUCK SHIT BUGGER POO SHIT.
So I have to press the off button, which I KNOW is bad.
Then I get the whole.. "windows was not shut down normally"
I think.. hmm maybe I should start it in safe mode to be sure there is nothing wrong.
NAHHHHH
Okay, LAPTOP wont boot AGAIN.

Now it will only give me the start normally option.
OR system recovery option.
My laptop is from a new range that has the restore disks ON THE HARD DRIVE
That is no USE to me because it wont start.
AND I CANT EVEN GET INTO SAFE MODE.
AHHH this peice of shit is less than a year old and covered by warranty but its a PAIN in the ASS because I lease the thing.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Now the stupid thing, wont even give me any options, it just FAILS to start.
So basically its FUCKED.

Yeh its definatly gone.
I AM SO ANGRY

5/10

So I managed to be somewhat successful.
I did end up cleaning the car... then I downloaded another movie.
Sigh.. I need to stop.. really I do..
I think I would have hit a couple of gig over the weekend.

I also went down to our local Pub to watch the football and have something to eat.
Normally I'm not a huge fan of the male species. I like a few, but not alot of them.
Anyway, their were a bunch of drunk guys there and I thought, here we go.. here's trouble.
But nope, they were incredibly well behaved and very kind.
One even made a comment about the game to me, and the other one held the door open for me.
I dunno it was good to see such well behaved 20- something men.
Its something I'm not used to..


I might do another movie review post next week..
So I will tell you what I watched with a short caption

Confessions of a shopaholic- Hmm
Lost & Delirious- Ahh

Currently I'm downloading "role models"
I've heard that its funny.

Also, I totally downloaded the season premiere of "jon & kate + 8"
Wow.. Just wow..
For once, seeing that I didn't HATE kate.
I thought Jon was kinda being an ass.
Its clear that they are headed for splits ville.
I don't know why they would really be unless jon HAD cheated..
He claims he hasn't.
But yeah, in my opinion the episode was very relate able..
You could clearly see how broken their marriage was.
It made me so sad for all involved.

Okay My movie is done, gonna watch it and off to bed

XX

If it ain't broke, don't fix it

You live and you learn that its a very wise statement.
I've always had problems with my ears.
Infections, blocked ears ect.
Anyways.. for about a month now my left ear has been bothering me...
Everytime I yawn it would make an underwater poping sound.
I know that this means, that its on its way to being filled with wax.. but I ignored it.
Until before when it was annoying me SO much that I decided to get some kind of hair pin and try and unblock it myself. NOT a smart move.... it was all good at first.. I even made a break through.. then I tried to go that one bit further and bang.
Competlely blocked.
Now its annoying me even more because it feels heavy and I can't hear anything.

Last time this happened.. yes i know.. Last time this happened I went to the doctors expecting them to flush it out, but she was stupid and said she couldnt see the wax and that I should go to the "ear, nose & throat hospital"
I waited in their emergency room for about 3 hours before I was seen..
Then they shoved a tiny vaccum into my ear and sucked it all out.
It felt so much better afterwards.
anyway.. I think the ear is pretty much wrecked at the moment.

And thus concludes my somewhat grosse and very sensisble tale of.

IF IT AIN'T BROKE DONT FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!

Freedom

Is a strange concept.
I am free, technically. But I don't feel like I am.
I am feeling fantastic though by the way, AF has offically ended her two week visit.
And as much as it sucked, I know my body was just kinda doing what it had too.
I waited it out and NOW I shall hopefully be rewarded with perfect 28 day pain free cycles... Well a girl can dream. But its so FREEING, when your finally done for the month and your like thank GOD my va-jay jay can takes no more.

Someone really needs to talk me out of buying a puppy.
I am SO sad Max is gone, and I CANT split him and molly up.
So I really want a puppy..
OMG I just saw two, I'm IN LOVE.
NO Caragh, you have to be rational..
You can not spend what litle savings you have on a puppy.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT.
Nope, I can't and I wont.
Its not fair to bring a dog into a single parent family.
Yeah... I'm joking.
Of course its as easy as, new puppy.. will solve all of caragh's problems.
But no..

The other day at work I was walking past the front door, I looked out for some reason and saw that one of the ladies I work with was doing a U-turn, someone had just pulled out of works drive way and BANG. I ran out to see if she was okay, the car was a wreck and we couldn't even move it off the road. After about 5 minutes, someone goes to me.. is your car alright.. I looked around and the impact had left he car LESS than a foot from my drivers side door.
I thought to myself.. if that isn't good karma.. what the hell is.

Then today I went to wash my car, as I was waiting while someone was in the car wash.
I saw a rainbow.. although it wasn't a miracle it made me smile.

Something.. SOMETHING in my heart tells me that things are looking up.
Although I keep having strange dreams which leads me to wake up in a panic.
Annoying.

Okay I PROMISED myself I wouldn't be a bludger this weekend, so im gonna buck up into the cold and go and clean out my car.


XX

This is just how I feel

“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.”

Booooo

Almost the weekend.
Counting down.
Today we had breakfast at our facilities at work.
It was nice.. mmm bacon & eggs.
So right.. but so so so wrong.

He is giving me the shits.
That man, is giving me the absoulte shits.
I KNOW he cares about me, but to what extent.
I got an email this morning, and he pointed out something he said on the phone yesterday.
He dropped the L bomb.
Nope wasn't the first time it happened, but it was the most sincere it had ever sounded. It kinda slipped out..
You know that does happen.. Like when you say it for the first time to someone, It kinda just falls out of your mouth.
Word vomit.
That's what it sounds like.
OMG stop anaylsing it Caragh, it means NOTHING.

My jaw is killing me, who would have thought that metal and bone togerther would ache so much.
It certainly is aching.

I was speaking with me IF friend last night.
He hasn't ever gone into detail about his 7 IVF cycles... apart from the loss of his twins.
But last night he did..
I asked why they needed to use IVF, was it Male factor? Female? Both? Unexplained?
Well for them, it was unfortunatly both.
My friend has a low sperm count and low mobility? I think thats right.
Well thats what he said.
His wife even with fertility meds, was only able to produce a small number of eggs.
The most they ever got was 5 eggs.
There son was concieved on a cycle with only 3 eggs.
I suspect he was the perfect little embryo coz he is such a great kid.
The cause of his wifes infertility was most likely due to abuse she suffered as a child.
This makes me angry, not just because she was abused.. but because even after the abuse stopped it still haunted her.
She had a hysterecomy at age 30. After the 7 IVF's and $85,000 + worth of treatment.
One amazing child. She had to have a hystercomy.
I am scared that my own abuse may affect my ability to concieve..
I'm scared for all the women I know who have been sexually abused.
I'm sad for all the BFN's, miscariages and chemical pregnancies I have seen in the last few months when I've been around the blogging circle.
I am eleated to see BFP's and progress. Happiness and Joy streaming from the words of the couples that suffer so much through this.
The truth is, even though my friend got his miracle baby.. I am still sad for him and everything they had to go through.
I feel so much for everyone who is taking this unfair ride and struggling with IF.
And I know I can't understand, coz i'm not there.
But sometimes, seeing all these amazing people suffer.. I wish I could for a day, or a week, or a year.. Take their place. So the strain would be less.
I wish I could.

But I can't.

- Caragh

Back to regular scheduleing

After my little break yesterday, I thought I'd flick back to my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings.
But really, I don't have any.
My KILLER pms I'd been having for 2 weeks has worn off.
So I'm feeling alot better.
I think that its got something to do with the fact that my boss (who's a lazy asshat) is going to be oversea's for the next 10 days. My co-worker and BFF brother figure Mat and I get free rain to do our work without seeing him sit there on his ass and do nothing.. And whatever ever he does do, well lets just say its not done well.
I did however have a very very difficult time getting to sleep last night, considering all the sleep all weekend being exhausted. It took me more than 3 hours to get to sleep.. That's a long time even for me.

I'm staying with the lexapro.
My anger has really died down, that was something I was strugling with.
I'm NOT a violent person, but I was raising my voice and storming off alot.. thats not really the best impression while working.


I haven't seen my dad in more than a week.
His girlfriend is so NEEDY.
Seriously, yesterday he goes to me.

"Man, this relationship thing is hard"
Really? No kidding.. coz last time i checked.. I was the child and you were the adult and your meant to be giving out the advice???

Men.

I had my monthly microderm, love it.. seriously I'm so addicted.
I also love the girl who does my eye brows, she does such an amazing job.
She also gave me a tip to reduce some pimples that I have, so im gonna test it and see how it goes.

Well I haven't really got much else to say.
I hope everyone had a great weekend.

I'm off too watch some bad tive.

Movie Reviews

So over the weekend, I kinda sorta had a LITTLE too much time on my hands.
I decided that I would Illegally Download Watch a few movies.
My selection is extremely random and it may show that I have simple tastes when it comes to movies but I thought I would review them encase anyone was interesting in seeing them, or was interested in what I had to say. HA unlikely.

Okay.

Rachel Getting Married

I was curious as to the fact that this movie got really great reviews, but appeared for a very short period of time in Australian Cinema.

The basic caption of the movie is that Kim (Anne Hathaway) has recently been discharged from a long stint in rehab to attend her sister Rachel’s (Rosemarie DeWitt) wedding. I didn’t expect a light hearted romantic comedy by any stretch of the imagination, but the movie is dark. It focus’s lightly on Kim’s addictions and wrong doing during her darkest days and how these moments affected her family. In her 7 step program she is seeking redemption from her family and all the pain she has caused them. Although she seems to have won their forgiveness she cannot forgive her greatest enemy, herself. The bond between Kim, and Rachel and also their father seems to be a very complex and painful relationship. But also evident is a huge amount of love. The wedding does take large focus towards the middle of the film with some of the scenes to me being very long winded and not making a lot of sense. The film ultimately left me wanting more answers, about Kim’s addiction and left me perplexed by the 5 minute scene about how to stack a dishwasher. Like I said, the relationship between the family, although there are other members involved seems mainly cantered about how everything revolves around Kim, very typical of family movies that depicts addiction. It was a good film, but in my thoughts not great.

5/10

The Secret Life of Bee's

The secret life of bees stars Dakota Fanning as Lily a 14 year old girl from the south, searching for answers about her mother who had an untimely death when Lily was just 4. You see the story at the beginning mostly through Lily’s eyes as she struggles to deal with her emotionally and physically abusive father. Lily’s house keeper is Rosaleen played by (Jennifer Hudson) the two share a close bond although it is strained by the racial tension of the mid 1960’s. During a trip to town the two are harassed by a bunch of men, an altercation ensues and Rosaleen is injured & then arrested. Is it as this point that Lily decides to leave her home town and go in search of more information about her mother. With little to go on, the two set out in hopes of finding some information. By a sum of luck, they happen upon a household of empowered women of colour, August (Queen Latifah) the oldest sister and a bee keeper, June (Alicia Keys) a music teacher who is very sceptical of Lily to begin with and May (Sophie Okonedo) as the younger sister who feels the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Lily uses her powers of deception to stay with the sisters in the hopes of learning more about her mother. Eventually the sisters warm to both Lily & Rosaleen. Lily learns the trade of bee keeping from August and meets their young friend called Zach. Zach & Lily form a close relationship, one that is ahead of the time being an interracial friendship. Eventually Lily learns her mother is well known to the family, but is too afraid as she has settled into life at the house. In a sad turn of events Lily learns it’s now or never and she confronts August about her mother. She is both saddened and filled with the sense of relief to learn the truth. Having just read the book, I was sad to find that the religion that is followed by the women is not strongly prominent in the movie. Also small details have been changed which don’t give it that same sting. I won’t ruin the ending, but overall I thought it was an accurate portrayal of the book, but did not completely do it justice.

I would rate the movie

7.5/10

The third movie for the night was

Zack & Miri Make a Porno

Zach (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) are two lifelong friends who hit some hard times. Facing finical woes the two friends deice that a logical & quick way to overcome their money problems is to make a porno. Coming up with an ingenious story, and finding & hilarious cast of characters they set out on their way. After a set of mishaps the cast set out to make their film.

The movie has many light hearted and hilarious scenes. There is a fair amount of sex, a few questionable moments. But overall it is nothing two extreme. The two best friends, Zach & Miri decide that for the sake of the film they are to have sex in one of the scenes. What was meant to be a hardcore moment turns into something a little more and they struggle to deal with their feelings between each other. The movie takes a turn from porn, to romantic comedy.. Although it’s a little predictable, the movie is generally very funny and heart warming. If you’re looking for something light hearted and to laugh out loud with, this movie is defiantly for you.

8.5/10

Well I hope you enjoyed my little movie review section.

I thought it would be nice to do something different.

- Caragh

Is someone getting the best of you?

No one's getting the best of me.
But this depression is.
I feel better, I really do.. I think all the hormones from AF was pulling me down in the last few weeks.
But I'm exhausted... and thats getting the best of me.

On Thursday night, I got around 6 and a half hours sleep.
Thats not bad, previously that would have been MORE than enough to carry me through.
But no..
I fell asleep at 7:30pm, woke up at 3:30am.
= 8 hours
Went back to sleep from 6:30am until 11:30am
= 5 hours
I didn't do a whole heap on Saturday.. I watched some movies.. Didn't burn a whole heap of energy.
Saturday night I went to bed at about 2:30am
I woke up at 9:30am
= 7 hours

By 3:30pm today I was exhausted again, I slept from 3:30 too 7:30pm
= 4 hours

Thats a total of 24 Hours Sleep in just over 48 hours.
I'm not really sad.. but this is killing me.
As much as I love sleep, is totally making me feel useless.
My gut is telling me, maybe I need to change medications.
But this one.. as hard as it is.. its working.
I don't know if I really want to risk something that might have worse side affects, or might make me worse.

Maybe I'd be able to make a decison.
If I can just stay awake.

Advice needed- again.. sigh

okay, just needing some quick advice.
Sorry for the overshare for people who are here from ICLW.. but if you have any advice please feel free to comment.


So.. AF has been around for about a week now, on and off.. more on than off.
GRRRR..
This is even though I skipped last month it started about 15 days in.
So now I have finished my active pills, and im onto my sugar pills.
So I should be starting in a few days.. then once its fished.. I start my new pack of active pills?
I think thats right..
But because its still here, do I continue to take the sugar pills for a few days?
Or do I just start taking the active pills?
Seeing as skipping the sugar pills didn't really help in the long run..
Should I wait it out? And then when, or if It finishes..
I start on the active pills again.

I am so confused and clue less :(
It makes me sad, I'm not in any pain.. Which is good..
But its annoying that its hanging around.

So please, ladies if you will.. help a sister out..

Lazy Saturday

Yup lazy Saturday.
Very early Friday night as previously mentioned.
Also led to me sleeping in past 11am... WHOOPS.
So I'm pepped up now, all dressed up with no place to go.
No seriously, I'm not dressed up.. I'm yet to shower.
But I soon shall venture out into the world again, once im clean and my hair is un-bird nested.

I downloaded a couple of movies...
Including
'Rachel Getting Married'
It was kinda trippy.. I don't know if I liked it.
I also got the secret life of bee's ya know that book a read a few weeks back.
I want to see if the movie is any good, but that will be for later on.

Now I am regrettably playing online poker.. Again..
I'm addicted.. no where near as bad as I used to be.
Its good because it doesn't require me to leave the house.
Always good.

I am a little annoyed at my brother and his partner.
They left the house in a complete mess.
There room, is filthy.. Its kinda grossing me out so I closed the door and I am HOPING they offer to come back and clean it.
So wrong that they left it like they did, I know they are moving.. but come on.. that's just common courtesy.

I just did a spell check, and my spelling as seriously gone down hill.
Anyone who knows proper grammar would be horrified reading this mess because honestly I put more comma's into my writing than anyone ever to exsist on the face of this earth. It's terrible.

Anyways I hope everyone is having a really great weekend.
I'm enjoing ICLW, there are some amazing people out there in the community and I love hearing their stories.

X
Caragh

who is the biggest loser?

Me..
Pretty much. HA.
I came home from work last night, exhausted..
I did some blogging, but by about 7pm I was ready for bed.
I assumed, I would have a quick nap.. and then wake up make some dinner and go back to sleep.. right, simple.
WRONG.
I slept right through until about 3:30am..
ha.. its almost 4am now.
I've already had about 8 hours sleep, so I don't know how much more I'll get.
My hair looks like a birds nest.
So i'm thinking on any given day, I'll need atleast 7 plus hours of sleep to make it through the day.

My puppies are gone, I'm sad.. they were cuddling with me for a while as I slept but now they have gone :(
I will go and see them today I think.

I'm hungry.. nom nom nom nom.

EEEP
Sorry for the boring post.
by the way.. still feeling totally calm.
It rocks.

So Calm

Thats how I feel today.
When I woke up and realised it was after 7...
Calm..
Putting my make up on
Calm...
Cuddling the puppies
Calm...
Stoping to get my coffee
Calm....
Driving in bumper traffic with fog so thick you can barely see
Calm.....

This feels good.
It feels right...
I feel normal
SO bizare

mmmm

Cheese cake..
Is what I made for the boys at work to eat tomorrow.
Yup.. I'm nice like that.. I don't know why I like to make food for them.
I totally think it makes me feel needed, wanted, appreciated
Yup I totally have no clue.
I've NEVER made cheese cake before, and I have to say.. it looks pretty damn good actually. I'm hoping it goes down a treat.



I can't believe tomorrow is FRIDAY.
That's insane, where did the time go..





My doggies.. Molly & Max will be leaving tomorrow night.
My brother and his partner settled on there house today, and start moving in tomorrow. AH... Max is MY dog technically, but he is so attached to Molly.. He was so distraught when my mum died.. Molly really brought him back to life.
As much as I will miss him, I know he is still only 5 minutes away.. And I'm doing whats best for HIM.. Not just what makes me feel better...
I can't separate them..
Molly is my cuddly little princess.. she is my brothers partners dog.. I will miss her bucket loads..she is such a lap dog, but she is really fiery and has a lot of spirit. Again, whats keeping me going is knowing they'll be close.

I'm exhausted, I woke up at 5:00AM today.. I've had too much caffine.. But I'm gonna try and sleep.

Goodnight everyone

ICLW!!

Welcome ICLWer's.

Let me say, thanks for stopping by.
I am Caragh.. just like cara but with the extra letters for effect.. Darn parents and there "it was a good idea at the time " speeches.
I am 22 and I live in Melbourne, Australia... Thats probably pretty far away from you!
I like pina colada's and getting caught in the rain.
Actually I don't like Pina colada's, they are so sour.
I like sex on the beach though, oh and strawberry daquiris!
But I love getting caught in the rain!

I'm a pretty average human being, but I have extrodinary super powers..
Yeh not so much.
My blog mainly deals with my day to day ramblings.. I speak alot of the death of my mother from cancer 2 and a half years ago, I also discuss my day to day struggle with depression.

I enjoy reading, cooking, and taking long drives. Love music, and movies..
I'm a bit of an odd soul... I feel like I am an old soul, like i've been around the block before.
Anyways i'm rambling..I do that alot.

Welcome to my little space in the world..
My wonderful form of therapy..
And a great source of support from amazing strangers who share kind words with me on a daily basis.. I feel very lucky.

I'll have what he's having

So that 'friend' of mine.. ya know that giant pain in the arse that I accidentally fell for
He's got pneumonia just like my other good friend did.
I tell them all the time they really need to stop making out so much, viral pneumonia is bad!
Last week when I was OH so down, I sent him a few emails.. yeh I know.. My bad... And he's ignored them all..
Maybe because he's sick, maybe because he can't handle me.. or maybe coz he just doesnt care.

I was on the phone to my good mate just before and he mentioned him.
I kinda just said I was over it all, which I am.
I then finished the phone call and went to finish my dinner.
I sliced my finger using a sign..
That my friends was I sign..
My finger also wouldn't stop bleeding.
Always fun.. lol

Today was good though, I am pretty sure my actual period.. no not the one thats already been around for 6 days on and off... will be arriving soon.
I am pretty much very overly sensitive at the moment.
And I am starving all the time,but im trying to eat more fruit lately.
So I'm snacking on that.

Other than that, nothing much is going on.
Trying to take each day as it comes, and look towards the future I can create for myself.
Happiness is around the corner, if I just believe it can be.

Extrordinary..

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”


I need to read the words of this quote over and over again.
I need to remember that I am the one who controls my own destiny.
YES there are things that are behond my control.
But how I act, think and feel are things that are still within my control.
I've been consumed, consumed with my sad thoughts, endless sleep-less nights and teary momemnts.
I need not to be.
This is not as easy as it sounds.
Last night I was speaking with my friend, we were talking about my depression, how my medication has been going.. My recent phobia's of social situations and how I spend the majority of life alone these days. (Outside of work)

As his son was getting into the car, he goes "hey i'll put you onto S you can talk with him"
I freaked, I was like shit no I can't talk to someone I don't know.
His son is a darling little 13 year old who sings & dances & acts both professionally and for fun. He's a hugely inspirational little character, very funny and smart. He is there miracle IVF baby, the only live child that they have.

But I freaked out, I've always wanted to say to this young boy that I admire him, I admire how he breaks the mold he doesnt play football.. he does ballet! And he really doesn't give a damn what people think!

I think that its amazing.

But I freaked out, later on I realised how stupid this was..

I need to take control of my life again, I don't exactly have a plan but I know this has to be done.

I wish..

I was in a sound proof box.
So I could scream as loud as I wanted.
So I could let out all the frustrations im feeling with Someone Something!

But instead I will sit here in silence, I'll tune out to the things around me and pretend that everything is fine.
I'm good at that..

I took my meds this morning right?
Okay good, that makes no one will get hurt.
but only because there not within a reasonable distance

I wasn't gonna do it.. I wasn't I swear

I've been attempting to be more POSITIVE.
Trying to look on the bright side of things, and be more balanced..
But right now I am PISSED.

One- Seriously lexapro I tried to give you a fucking chance. I was feeling better, but then I wasnt, then I was.. Now im still itchy.
And you WONT LET ME SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT.

Two- WTF. Spotting, period, spotting, period, spotting. I wish you could make up your god damn mind uterus. Your making it so fucking hard for me to predict what kind of tampon to use. ARGH its so frusting.
I hate you I hate you I hate you.

Three-FUCK YOU stretch marks, fuck fuck fuck fuck you.
85 % of my body is already covered in you, and what I put on a few kilos and suddenly there you are again. I hate you skin pigment.
Not only do I now hate my stupid brain, but I hate my body aswell.
A pfft.. not that there is anything to be proud of.

God i'm so angry.
I just want to sleep, I want to be happy, I want something, anything to make this pathetic life that im living better.
But I've got nothing.

Onto good news.
I went shopping today, got some things to make some healthy dinners.
I'm starting to eat more fruit. I need to, but I always buy it and forget it and then it rots and I get annoyed..
So i've decided to get buy a couple of things every morning and keep it on my desk until I eat it.

Work was good today, making progress with everything..

I totally dont have any other good news.
I wish I did.

I wish I did...

What a difference a day can make..

7/10..
Thats today.. Its still pretty damn early as well.
Still have a football match to go later on this afternoon.
Wow.. do you want to know what made me happy today?
After my shower, I was drying my hair.. I then flipped it into a rough pony tail while I did my make up.. When the pony tail came out.. my hair was parted perfectly..
Slightly the right.
My hair is hard to deal with, its dead straigh and usally my part falls straight down the middle.. not the best look but I deal with it.
It fell perfectly. Amazing.

Then I decided that I deserved a pedicure..
Lovely. My feet are now silky and smooth and my toenails are painted a bright purple.

So thats it, I don't need fancy things, diamond rings... anything at all really.
Just one little win and I'm happy.

Things arent that bad.

booooooooooooo

I've got that little lump or tickle in my throat.
That one you get just before you are struck down with something evil..
Yup..
This week.... bound not to be better than the last.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I've been so down lately.
I don't know whats wrong with me Yes I do, I have depression
I feel like I should be happy..
My life.. isn't that bad..
By not bad I mean, no ones dying or has cancer.. I'm not fighting with anyone, I dont have the prospect of being homeless anytime soon, work is going well.
I'm just not me, not myself..
I just think my boody is out of whack, and thats causing me to be more mental.

On a good note;
* I have been learning to use photoshop at work, I love it... Its something creative I can get into.
* I brought some new PJ's today, a couple of pairs.. I'm sure they will keep me warm and comfy during winter.
* I am going to the footy alot, I love the footy.
* Today is pay day, YAY.. I am finally getting control of my finances that is always good.
* I am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life, who inspire me.. my friends and family and all the beautiful people in the blogging world.
Thank you all.

- Caragh

Help... Advice required

Okay so a few days ago I mentioned that my uterus/ reproductive organs suck.
They haven't ALWAYS sucked.. but recently they do.
I started the pill, approxiamately 6 weeks ago..
I am 10 active pills out from starting my period as I skipped the one I was due to have a few weeks ago.

So I was spotting..
But just now, I noticed that I am no longer spotting.
I am full on.. enough to warrant using a tampon AF.
Seriously thats my rules if you decide to whip out the tampon.
Argh I'm so annoyed.

So please what should I do?
Is this meant to happen?
Should I go back to the doctor and try another pill.
I is CONFUSED.

I was wondering why I was so bloated, emotional and sore for the last few days.
But I dont think this is meant to happen.
While on the pill its not a "real period"
But too me this seems very real.. though I DEFINATLY didn't get any ovulation pain...
BLAHHHHHHH

This blows.

It hurts

to breathe

My inproductive and emotionally exhausting week

I dont know why its been that way.
Why I feel this way?
Why I feel hopeless?
Restless?
Tired?
Sore?

Why I hate myself for complaining..
That i'm not 100 % yet...
Its been almost 6 weeks on my meds.. most of the time.. im okay..
But I still have those moments of utter hopeless-ness.

I know there is no answer.
No time frame for when all of this will get better.

I feel like I have nothing to live for.
I hate this empty-ness.

I just want to feel, full.

Oh snap- Uterus 1.. Caragh 0

So I mentioned a little while ago that I recently went on the pill, coz I was having alot of pain, and some cycle problems.
GP suggests possible Endo, and sends me off for a follow up with a gyno.

I start the pill randomly, to get me back into sync about 6 weeks ago.. then I decided last week.. with all the pain and break through bleeding I had recently had.
I deserved a month off..
Fairs fair right?

BLAH.
Well yesterday I started spotting.. not a whole heap.
Yeh then TMI here.. but those stabbing pains that you get in your vjay-jay..
You know what I'm talking about.. but I have no idea where they come from.
Then enter lower back pain, and now today..
MORE cramps and stabbing.

Seriously, WTF.

I just was trying to get a break.
Also as expected due to the skipping of my period.. which I'm pretty sure if I'd almost.. be on my second one..
Anyway I'm bloated.
LIKE REALLY bloated.
Like 3 kilos in a few days bloated... ha ha ha.
Such is life though huh.

AHHH i'm sorry for the complaining but its giving me the shits.
Literally!
My body is trying to beat the pill.. But you can't uterus.. you just can.

Wants to get her sleep on

Oh I wish I wish I wish.
But I'm just not near sleep yet.
I had a big day, got up early.. worked well all day.......
I went to the football after work, I talked, I walked, I ate...

I am going to stop sweating some of the stuff thats bothering me.
I don't have the power to change situations, so I'm not going to start wishing that it will magically fall upon me.
I cannot control the way others behave, can't make them tell me the truth..

I wonder if its wrong to love someone, for all the good things they bring into my life.
But possibly to almost hate them, for being the barer of shitty things as well?

I think thats where I am.. A little bit stuck.
But I'm realising more and more..
I've gotta let it go..
I can enjoy the good things... and not focus so much on the negatives.
For some people.. even me at one time.. I thought they we're deal breakers.

But not anymore.

All rules are out the window.
I know exactly where I stand, what my position is... and how I'm gonna move on from here.

Vent

*god awful scream*

I was willing to let it go that dad didn't call me yesterday.
He didn't call any of us, to see how we were coping with mothers day.
Should I have been pissed?
Yes.
My mother was his partner for 30 years.
He should have fucking called.

Someone from upstairs just gave me some very nice tickets to the football match tonight.
I realise that its monday night, but the game starts at 7:20 so it will be finished by 9:40 ish.... I can't believe he was such a fucking baby and is refusing to come with me??
Seriously who fucking does that..
I was literally begging him.. I didn't have a shit fit.. YET.

ARGH..
I know he came with my last week, but that was one time.. And I KNOW he enjoyed himself.. Why cant he just leave THAT WOMAN for one fucking night.

WHY WHY WHY


In other less angry news..
I have the entire department to myself today.
I couldnt totally take a nap and no one would even know..
I dislike eating breakfast.
Why?
Because it makes me so hungry
NOM NOM NOM

I had some special K with berries this morning.
About 40 minutes ago I had a banana..
I could SO eat something else right now.

Off I go to search through the draws and then take a Nap.

Interesting Day..

Today wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be...
I dunno its my third mothers day without my mum here with me on earth.
I woke up and didn't feel such a heavyness on my heart.
I went and brought some flowers....
Got a large coffee and I was on my way.
My mother's resting place is around 2 hours away from my house, its up in the "country" where my aunty and uncle live.
Its the place that my mum would have retired too and in a way I guess she is.
I was really frustrated with some of the sunday drivers out there, there was a women who was quite old.. going 40 KM's an hour in a 100 KM zone.
Very frustrating and it put me quite behind.. not that I was in a rush.

When I got the cemetary I was hit with a small wave of sadness.
I trecked down to my mums grave..
Usally when I get there, I instantly want to say hello.. then goodbye and leave.
But this time, I sat.. for atleast 20 minutes I sat and thought of my mum.


Afer that I went and had some lunch, which took a REALLY long time.
Then I was on my way back home, and on the way I took some photos which I will now share.
One of these is obviously very personal.








There is one pick of my mum's grave obviously, one of the cemetary, a few of the beautiful Australian bush.
And one very sad picture of the damaged tree's from the bushfires that hit feb.

I hope everyone's had a good day.

XXX
Caragh

Happy Mothers Day

Dear Mum,

I can't believe its been 523 days since you left this world.
I remember it like it was only yesterday, as I awoke suddenly as you took your last breaths.
I remember the instant devestatation that fell over me, the thought that I would never hear your voice, or feel your arms around me again.
Your soul had already left us, but as I sat beside you.. singing some of our songs.
I hoped that if I squeezed your hand tight enough, or begged any harder you would come back to me.
But it wasn't too be.
There are no words for how much I love you.
There will never be anything that can describe how much I miss you.
How at times I am so angry, so sad, cynical, bitter and depressed that you had to leave when you did.
At 49 years of age, you did not deserve to die.
But no one ever deserves to die.

You were the best mum anyone could have ever asked for.
I didn't always know that.. But I know that now and thats what's important.
Some days I wake up and still don't believe that you are gone.
I know that might sound stupid but its the truth.. sometimes I know I can feel you with me... When I need you the most. But so much of the time I feel alone.
I know that a peice of me will always be missing without you here.
But as you said, life must go on and we must learn how to be happy again.
I don't always follow those words of advice, but I ALWAYS try to.

I will always do my best to honor your memory..
To remember your face, your voice, the way you smelt and the way you would hold me when I was upset.

You are, and always will be the most important person in my life.
Who guided and will continue to guide me down this tricky road called life.

I miss you.
I love you now, and always.

Your daughter,

Caragh

xxx

One of our many songs-

Joan Baez- Forever Young

May God bless and keep you always.
May your wishes all come true.
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.

May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
And may you stay
Forever young.

May you grow up to be rightous.
May you grow up to be true.
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you.

May you always be courageous,
Stand upright, and be strong
And may you stay
Forever young.

Forever young.
Forever young.
May you stay
Forever young.

May your hands always be busy.
May your feet always be swift.
May you have a strong foundation
When the winter changes shift.

May your heart always be joyful.
May your song always be sung
And may you stay
Forever young.

Forever young.
Forever young.
May you stay
Forever young.

Giggles

My brother is listening to Taylor Swift- love story.
I've caught him a few times listening to my Itunes selection..
Being the hopeless romantic cynical bitch that I am..
My itunes is filled with hope.. its 64.99 percent loves songs.

Share with me people, some of your favourite songs.
Love songs or others?

My body clock

Is so very messed up...
I guess I went to bed far to late last night.
I got up this morning at 10am, took myself off to the movies.
I went and saw 'ghosts of girlfriends past'
It wasn't a great movie, but it wasn't the worst.
The only thing I ate today until about 10 minutes ago was some popcorn.
I came straight home, and for some reason by about 3pm..
I was exhausted..
Like couldnt keep my eyes open.
So.. what to do..
I slept.. from 3 til 9pm.
oops.
I just got up and went and got some dinner.
And now, i'm wide awake.
This is where I probably will stay for a few hours now..
Ah well, I don't have much to do tomorrow.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

And I'm done..

I couldn't put it down, as tired as I am..
And as cold as it outside..
I had to finish it tonight..

The secret life of bee's- by Sue Monk Kidd
Check out some reviews on amazon.

XX Night all

Unexpected Happiness

Is always the best kind.
I didn't have the BEST day today.
But I didn't have worst.. with regards to work.
I was happy when home time rolled around... Happier knowing next week for MOST of the time I will have the department all too myelf as all of the guys will be at a trade exhibition.
That will be nice to just work, and have some piece and quite.

I came home from work and immediatly got stuck into "the secret life of bee's"
I'm loving it more as time goes on.
I then, like most friday nights downloaded greys anatomy and watched it.
I had planned to meet up with some friends to go out for dinner.. but when I turned up at 8pm dressed rather casually, and my friends the same we sat around and discussed the books we were reading. We even toyed with the idea of starting a little book club.
Looking back to 10 years ago when we first met, I never would have thought that was possible. I was a complete book worm, but they weren't.
My my how times have changed and how they've both grown..
We talked about funny memories from the past, and our furtures.
My friend is moving in with her boyfriend, who is 24 years her senior.. my other friend is using the economic crisis as a means to travel overseas. She is coming to the states in a few months and was talking all about her trip.
When then went and got some take-out..
Talking and laughing like old times.

On the way over, I found myself dancing and singing in the car.
Feeling happy, real happy.. not fake happy.
I wasn't to happy to be leaving my nice warm bed and venturing out.. but as soon as I knew I was close to seeing those familiar faces.
I was unexpectdly happy.
I loved every damn second of it.

Here I go again.. back into the secret life of bee's

I forgot

How much I loved to read.
This is something that has been lost in the course of my life over the last 5 years.
I read often, and all through highschool.
Right up until the end, and then I stopped.
My friend got me a very good book for my birthday, but it took me weeks to read it.
My mind was always swimming with thought and I just simply couldnt focus.
I am also one of those people who, a book has to speak to me.
The title has to jump out at me, I know this sounds so weird.
Its not the cover, there could be the most attractive person on the cover.
But a boring title.
No thanks..
Again I'm not sure why.. its weird.

I read trashy magazines.. all the time.
I fill my mind with senseless drivle..
But it doesn't fill me. Never. But it does the job I guess.

Yesterday during lunch I was walking past a book store that I'd walked past 50 times and I was drawn in. I strolled up and down the fiction section, picking up all the titles that appealed to me.
Then in an instant I settled.
"The secret life of bee's"

It is a beautiful book, one that I am more than half way through after only a few short hours.
But due to the fact that I woke up at 5:30AM, I am now paying for my choice to not go back to sleep for another hour. In actual fact I have written these last few sentances with my eyes closed.
There awake again, and so am I.
It feels good to be alive right now.

So I will close the window, turn off the light.
Crawl under my covers and possibly dream of the secret life of bee's

And ending..

Is a new beginning or so they say.
I just watched the final episode of scrubs.
I haven't always liked scrubs, infact it was only a few years ago when my humour kind of changed that I decided it was hilarious.
I've seen every episode.
I am not a fan of the way most tv series end.
Infact some of the series endings I disliked are;
Friends, The OC, & dont even get me started on the L WORD!
MY GOD.

All crap.

But the scrubs ending was perfect.
Everything wasn't tied into a neat little ball....
It wasn't perfect, but it got me to show some emotion...
Which is hard to do lately, I'm pretty numb.

Endings.....

I could start talking about death right now, but I totally wont.. Because even though its stuck in my mind now.. I just can't. I totally don't have the energy

I'm going to pay for this later

I've been awake since 5:30am.. not suprising since I'm pretty sure I was out of it by 9:30pm last night.. Nanna much..
I'm not the early to bed, early to rise type.
I'm the early to bed, and then again LATE to rise type.
Because I'm a sleepaholic.
I had this really crazy dream that I just randomly hacked off all my hair and got a pixie cut.
I COULD SO NOT PULL OF A PIXIE CUT>>>>
I don't have the cheek bones for it, well I do they are just hidden behind lots of chub.
Loves it.

I've got lots to do today, but its not really anything that I WANT to do..
Needless to say it must be done, and its my job to do it...
Ahhh my job.

My brothers girlfriend whos a teacher had a hard day yesterday..
Shes just a graduate and she got into a stouch with the vice principal.
Not the smartest move.
Her words, also weren't used very well.... thus for he was able to use them againts her. Also, not the smartest move.

I admire all teachers, infact I wanted.. or want to be one.
I am aware that its a very tough job.
I'm sad that this happened only a few months into her teaching career, but it was going to happen.
Bullying is rife in the workplace, I delt with it for YEARS.
I could be bitter, and snyical and belive me at times I totally was.
But I live by the saying
"It's not what happens in your life that defines you, its how you deal with it that defines you"

I won't ever let anyone get in the way of me doing my job again.
With that said..
Better get cracking

Beating the odds

As most of you reading this will know my mother died almost 2 and a half years ago of breast cancer.
6 Months after my mum died, my dad was diagnosed with a large and aggressive tumor of the esophagus.

He had 3 months of solid chemo.
The tumor shrunk and he had a 9 hour surgery to remove the tumor, and then for his esophagus to be reconstructed with part of his stomach.
Follow up was another 4 months of chemo.

When my dad was first diagnosed, I did my research.
The statistics where not good.
Only 20-30 % of these cancers ever become operable.
Dad tumour was large im talking base ball sized tumor to the point where he lost 8 kilos in one week from throwing up so much..
We assumed it was depression.

His treatment was not easy, it was long and painful.
He developed blood clots.
A bad infection in his pick like (This is an IV that goes threw the arm and directly above the muscles near the heart in order to get the chemo in quicker)
He had chemo pretty much non stop for 7 months as it was always on him.
My dad did not have high hopes, at first the doctors wouldnt even give him odds.
The odds he gave were not good.
For anyone who's had a loved one pass, the look on someones face when a doctor tells you someone may die, is not a good one.
I've seen that face too many times.


Today marked almost 2 years since dad diagnosis, reading through my old journals I found it hard to process everything that was going on.
At the same time I was having a very messy and LONGGGGGGGG break up.
I also had my jaw surgery.
But most of all, I was so scared of losing my dad.
He may be at times a giant pain in the ass, but he is a GOOD man, a HARD WORKING man, who didn't deserve any of the things thrown at him.

I know there's no positive side to cancer, but my dad was morbidly obeses.
He lost around 35-40 Kgs (90lbs) because of the cancer.
This in itself has changed his life.

My dad is currently in remission.
Only 2 years in, he has survived more than 75 % of people diagnosed with this cancer.
As time moves forward, his odd's get better.
I am realistic, but optimistic that my dad will live to be a silly old man. (He's only 50)
I love him more than words can say, and I'm so glad he's still beside me as I walk through life.
Coz I couldn't imagine it without him.

Congrats to you dad, for being the odds.

Meaningful Post... not really

Yup this is post number 100.
I can't believe I'm here sooooo soon.
But I guess I do talk alot... that will never change.

Just to say.
I really want to thank everyone for there sweet thoughts and comments.
It makes such a difference in my bloggy life, knowing that people care enough to read my story.
Especially when all the amazing women and a few men, have there own stories, heartache and moments to share.

My last post was about my dad, and how I was dealing with his girlfriend.
He came to the footy with me, it was nice very nice to spend some 1 on 1 time with him.
Although he left a little early, he loved watching the game again.. which is something he'd forgotten all about.

He was meant to come home last night, but his girlfriend posioned her cat.
Yes you read that right, she posioned it.
It was an accident.
Well thats her story.
She gave it the dog tick treatment, instead of the cat treatment and the cat was very sick and put into intensive car.
So my dad wont be home for a few days.
Yup.
I know, its weird right.. Its not just me.
The one day my dads meant to come home, and the cat almost dies.
Apparently its not the first one she's hurt.

Other than bitching about my dad and his cat-hurting girlfriend.
Mothers day is hittting me hard this year, its everywhere.

Work is driving me nuts, its crazy busy. But good I guess.
I had my third microderm today, and I'm addicted my skin feels amazing.
"He" is still giving me a bit of grief, but im dealing.

Well I better run, I've got blogs to read!

XX

I was going to nap.. however

I need to get this off my chest.

My dad.

I love my dad, we have always been close.
Even thought I KNOW I spent more time with my mother as a child, I can more so remember the time I spent with my dad. I remember him waking me each morning when it was still dark out, changing my nappy,dressing me and giving me a large bottle full of warm milk. I know this sounds unbelieveable, especially since I would have been under two. But I remember this. I remember him driving me to my Nana's house each morning, taking me in as I was half asleep and laying me into my crib that I had there.

As I grew, we did more and more things togerther. Not always huge things, but still.
He would take me too the football from the time i was about 7 years old.
This continued right up until this time last year.

Enter- The girlfriend J.

Dad met J when he went SPEED DATING.
When dad told me he wanted to date, I thought the idea was a joke.
But he'd signed up when he was drunk, paid for it. So he was going..
This was about 16 months after my mum had died, I thought it was too soon but who was I too judge.

He had a few nice little dates, 7/10 women wanted to see him again.
Thats a pretty great number for speed dating.

He went out on a date with J straight away, they apparently hit it off and were talking for hours. I was sceptical.
He went on a few more dates, and then she invited him over to her home for dinner.
After only knowing him a few short weeks and only having met him a few times.
Weird.
J has a 7 year old daughter. I wouldn't expose my child to a relationship that I didnt know was going anywhere so quickly. I thought this was weird.

Eventually dad started seeing her more and more often..
Weekends that were once reserved for me.
Now went to her.
I delt...

One time he promised to take me somewhere, and instead he took her.
I was devestated. He claimed I wasn't supporting his attemps to be happy.
Maybe I wasn't completly. But I DID and DO want him to be happy.

I know people are reading this and thinking, get over it.
Don't be jealous, let your dad be happy.
Parent enter into new relationships all the time, its not a big deal.

Thats how alot of people took this situation.
Divorce is terrible, its hard and upseting for parents and children alike.
But death is different.

I am torn between wanting my dad to find happiness, and fufulling my obligations to my mother who is no longer with us.
At first I was upset, it was too soon.

After I met her, things changed completely.
When I look into the mirror, I am torn. I have my mothers eyes, amoungts many other things that I inherited from her.

When she died she wrote me a letter, it was brief. It basically said to look after myself, but she knew i'd be fine. Watch out for my brothers, and for my dad.
That he was a good man, and that he would find someone.
And that I'd know if she was a good person.

When I met J, she wasn't overly friendly.
She didn't make much of an effort to talk to me, or get to know my other family members who were there.
I survived by going off with her daughter, C and playing video games.

She even went so far as too call my Dad, and my uncle..
Knobs.

Infont of everyone who was there, even her daughter.

Worse still was the fact, that she was bossy... needed to be the centre of attention, I could go on. But I don't want it to seem like im attacking someone I don't even know very well.
But the thing that got me most was that my dad.. Treated her like a princess.
Catering to her every whim.
This was hard to watch, as my parents relationship was far from perfect, but they stayed togerther for almost 30 years. That was there choice, at times I didn't support it, begged that they would end it. But in the end they loved each other.
Who was I too judge.

Over the next few months, they spent more and more time togerther.
Which equalled less time for me and my dad, he became disintrested in us.
And would come home crabby, because he wanted to be with her.
Wanted to be needed by her. It drove, no wait.. it drives me nuts.

During christmas I assumed dad would spend it with us. I was wrong. He attended HER family function. I atteneded my brothers girlfriends family..
It was my first christmas without either of my parents.
It sucked ass.

Dad and I became less like best friends and more like strangers.
I was angry at him for not wanting to spend time with me, he was angry because I wasn't supporting him.
It all blew up into a huge fight, which left me screaming at him so loud I actually thought I broke the speaker on my phone.
He didn't speak to me for a few days.. I persisted, telling him I was his daughter and there was nothing he could do that would change that.

A few days later I got a text message from him saying

"I love you very much, but you drive me nuts like your mum"

Fight was over.

Things have been okay ever since, I still don't see him much.
He is with J & C most of the time on the other side of town.
She is also going through a depression and trying to get herself off her current dose of meds, one that is way to high and fucking her up completely.

I have seen her a few more times, not much recently.
I haven't warmed to her that much, she is kind to me... But it feels fake.
It feels forced..
Like she would care for him more if he didn't have all the baggage.
Dispite the fact that she has her own.

I was thrillllllllllled this week when dad said he had tickets to the football and he wanted me to go with him.
He suggested we meet for lunch before hand, up until last night i was really excited.
He txt me saying he was definatly coming.

This morning he cancelled lunch, he's still meeting me there in about two hours.
Part of me wanted to jump up and down, part of me wanted to scream or cry.
It wouldn't make any difference.

I can't make him want to spend time with me.
I can't make him fall out of love with her....
As much as it pains me to say, thats what this is.
People do stupid things when they are in love.

But I do want my dad back, before its too late.
Before the bond we had, that was unbreakable finally tears.
I lost my mum, I did. I'm without her and it hurts me every single day.
I can't live without my dad too

If you look up lazy in the dictionary

You will find my picture.
No motiviation, I suck.
I was having really bad thoughts last night.
Really bad, thoughts about dying before i've really even lived.
It upset me.

I'm meant to be meeting my dad in a few hours.
I really and I mean REALLY can't be bothered.
But I know if I don't go I'll disapoint myself and set myself up for a shitty week.

I went to the casino last night.
Yeah I know, gambling is bad.
but its SO GOOD.
I played poker for a few hours, and I lost a little bit of cash-ish.
But its okay.
I could afford to.;
Suprisingly im getting better at managing my monthly finances.
As long as I dont have any little suprises around the corner, I'll be a-ok.

I didn't do my washing yesterday.
And I haven't vacumed the floor, or cleaned the car.

After my scary thoughts last night I couldnt sleep, and I woke up pretty darn early to.
ANNOYING much.
Bleh

I'm a sook.
I know.. I know..

I played wow

I didnt really play wow.. my brother was teasing me just now saying I wasn't smart enough to play.
So I ran around in a circle on the computer screen and now I have successfully played wow.
POO you big brother.

I totally failed last night.
Was in bed asleep by like 10:30.
I woke up a few times during the night but managed to sleep til about 9:30.
Got up, went out for breakfast and a quick drive.

I came home, threw my sheets and such in the washing machine.
Now I wait for it to finish and hang it on the line.
I also cleaned out a whole bunch of crap from my room that had been piling up.
I've got much more to do.
I've also gotta vaccum, hopefully dust, and then clean my filthy car.
Ah I'am now glad I had an early night then arent I.

I hate checking my bank account any day after the 1st of the month.
All my bills are gone by this time usally and I am left with whatever til I get paid.
I hate being paid monthly.
But I also would hate being paid weekly, coz all my bills are monthly.
Its a no win situation.
Hey, atleast I have a job and im being paid.
A well paid job for someone of my age with no formal qualifications or anything.
I realise I'm bitching so im gonna stop myself.
This entry came about rather quickly.

I am feeling okay today.
Decided to skip my period this month.
I deserve it.
Not sure what this will mean for my appointment at the hospital next month, which if it serves me right falls around the same time at the end of the month.
So we'll see.. not sure if im gonna go.
I don't want them to laugh in my face saying
"YOU HAD SOME PELVIC PAIN"
"A BREAK THROUGH PERIOD"
And now you expect to be taking seriously by a gyno.
HA
Well see..
well see

Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend.

X

Caragh

The take down

Dear Lexapro,

We've been friends again for almost almost a full month now.
I wasn't hesistant to jump on the band wagon again, who am I too judge you.
I feel last time I wrote you off to quickly, so I thought i'd give you another chance.
I've been good, taking you as directed and always ontime.
You weren't kind at first, the dry mouth and nausea was a pain in the butt but I figured if I was going to feel better than it would be worth it.
Right?
Wrong.

The constant yawning, and daily battles between exhaustion, and insomnia are really annoying.
But again I thought I would give you the benefit of the doubt yet again.
I don't particulary like being dizzy everytime I go to get up, but thats okay. I can handle the occasional head spin, or headache.
But really, now the pins and needles in the back of my head? Everyone knows thats an annoying problem. Did you really have to be so mean.

While laying in bed this past week, trying to battle myself to sleep. Counting sheep is not working by the way.
I noticed that I was becoming incredibly itchy all over.
Mostly on my legs, and my arms.
Do I have flee's?
A skin allergy?
Have I eating something bad?

Nope thats just you, reminding me that while the chemicals your sending through my system are making there way to my brain and generally making me more happy.
There also giving me head spins, and making me itch like crazy.
Infact while im sitting here now typing this I am resisting the urge to go nuts on head.Its not lice, its you.
Asshole.

I've given you a chance, and I will keep giving you a chance. Until you prove unbearable. But really, if you could.. Lift your game just a little and cut me a break.
I know I'm doing right by you.. but please, try and be a little more friendly.

Sincerly yours,

Caragh


PS: Thanks for not making me gain any weight this past month, I do appreicate that because I know i've been stuffing my face and its gotta stop.
But again... Appreicating your effort on that one.