Sunday, May 3, 2009

I was going to nap.. however

I need to get this off my chest.

My dad.

I love my dad, we have always been close.
Even thought I KNOW I spent more time with my mother as a child, I can more so remember the time I spent with my dad. I remember him waking me each morning when it was still dark out, changing my nappy,dressing me and giving me a large bottle full of warm milk. I know this sounds unbelieveable, especially since I would have been under two. But I remember this. I remember him driving me to my Nana's house each morning, taking me in as I was half asleep and laying me into my crib that I had there.

As I grew, we did more and more things togerther. Not always huge things, but still.
He would take me too the football from the time i was about 7 years old.
This continued right up until this time last year.

Enter- The girlfriend J.

Dad met J when he went SPEED DATING.
When dad told me he wanted to date, I thought the idea was a joke.
But he'd signed up when he was drunk, paid for it. So he was going..
This was about 16 months after my mum had died, I thought it was too soon but who was I too judge.

He had a few nice little dates, 7/10 women wanted to see him again.
Thats a pretty great number for speed dating.

He went out on a date with J straight away, they apparently hit it off and were talking for hours. I was sceptical.
He went on a few more dates, and then she invited him over to her home for dinner.
After only knowing him a few short weeks and only having met him a few times.
J has a 7 year old daughter. I wouldn't expose my child to a relationship that I didnt know was going anywhere so quickly. I thought this was weird.

Eventually dad started seeing her more and more often..
Weekends that were once reserved for me.
Now went to her.
I delt...

One time he promised to take me somewhere, and instead he took her.
I was devestated. He claimed I wasn't supporting his attemps to be happy.
Maybe I wasn't completly. But I DID and DO want him to be happy.

I know people are reading this and thinking, get over it.
Don't be jealous, let your dad be happy.
Parent enter into new relationships all the time, its not a big deal.

Thats how alot of people took this situation.
Divorce is terrible, its hard and upseting for parents and children alike.
But death is different.

I am torn between wanting my dad to find happiness, and fufulling my obligations to my mother who is no longer with us.
At first I was upset, it was too soon.

After I met her, things changed completely.
When I look into the mirror, I am torn. I have my mothers eyes, amoungts many other things that I inherited from her.

When she died she wrote me a letter, it was brief. It basically said to look after myself, but she knew i'd be fine. Watch out for my brothers, and for my dad.
That he was a good man, and that he would find someone.
And that I'd know if she was a good person.

When I met J, she wasn't overly friendly.
She didn't make much of an effort to talk to me, or get to know my other family members who were there.
I survived by going off with her daughter, C and playing video games.

She even went so far as too call my Dad, and my uncle..

Infont of everyone who was there, even her daughter.

Worse still was the fact, that she was bossy... needed to be the centre of attention, I could go on. But I don't want it to seem like im attacking someone I don't even know very well.
But the thing that got me most was that my dad.. Treated her like a princess.
Catering to her every whim.
This was hard to watch, as my parents relationship was far from perfect, but they stayed togerther for almost 30 years. That was there choice, at times I didn't support it, begged that they would end it. But in the end they loved each other.
Who was I too judge.

Over the next few months, they spent more and more time togerther.
Which equalled less time for me and my dad, he became disintrested in us.
And would come home crabby, because he wanted to be with her.
Wanted to be needed by her. It drove, no wait.. it drives me nuts.

During christmas I assumed dad would spend it with us. I was wrong. He attended HER family function. I atteneded my brothers girlfriends family..
It was my first christmas without either of my parents.
It sucked ass.

Dad and I became less like best friends and more like strangers.
I was angry at him for not wanting to spend time with me, he was angry because I wasn't supporting him.
It all blew up into a huge fight, which left me screaming at him so loud I actually thought I broke the speaker on my phone.
He didn't speak to me for a few days.. I persisted, telling him I was his daughter and there was nothing he could do that would change that.

A few days later I got a text message from him saying

"I love you very much, but you drive me nuts like your mum"

Fight was over.

Things have been okay ever since, I still don't see him much.
He is with J & C most of the time on the other side of town.
She is also going through a depression and trying to get herself off her current dose of meds, one that is way to high and fucking her up completely.

I have seen her a few more times, not much recently.
I haven't warmed to her that much, she is kind to me... But it feels fake.
It feels forced..
Like she would care for him more if he didn't have all the baggage.
Dispite the fact that she has her own.

I was thrillllllllllled this week when dad said he had tickets to the football and he wanted me to go with him.
He suggested we meet for lunch before hand, up until last night i was really excited.
He txt me saying he was definatly coming.

This morning he cancelled lunch, he's still meeting me there in about two hours.
Part of me wanted to jump up and down, part of me wanted to scream or cry.
It wouldn't make any difference.

I can't make him want to spend time with me.
I can't make him fall out of love with her....
As much as it pains me to say, thats what this is.
People do stupid things when they are in love.

But I do want my dad back, before its too late.
Before the bond we had, that was unbreakable finally tears.
I lost my mum, I did. I'm without her and it hurts me every single day.
I can't live without my dad too


Erica said...

:( This post made me so sad. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this pain with your dad. I'm sure you feel torn, too. Like you want him to be happy, but not with someone like her. Usually I can get a sense of a person right away, maybe you can too and you've got her pinned. If she really isn't genuine, your dad will figure it out. I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose a parent. Or a spouse. Again, I'm sorry you feel like you're losing your dad.