When will today END???

I woke up late today.
I thought GREAT, i'll be a little late for work.... less work for me (It's thursday sue me)
Somehow I managed to be on time for work. WTF?
The one day I want traffic it's not around.
I get to work and my boss informs me M wont be until later because he's had some "drama" he needs to sort out.
I freak out because M rarely has any drama, besides of course when his 18 month old J is sick.
I asked my boss what had happened and he goes "its pretty serious"
So now im freaking out and im like SHIT SHIT SHIT.
My boss won't tell me anything, he's respecting M's privacy and I understand that. But M was going to come straight in and tell me anyway. I didn't bother him.

When he went to pick up his son from day care last night he was told he'd been acting "a bit weird"
By the time he got there at 5:30, the right side of his sons face had been paralsyed.
His wife (who is very high strung at the best of times) was freaking out, they took him to the hospital who basically said "oh wait and see"
J still has sensation in his face, and he can also still see out of his eye but one side of his face is just dormant.

They said its most likely Bell's Palsy Of which 95 % of children fully recover.
Still an extremely tramatic experience for both of these young parents.
I can tell M didn't get a wink of sleep from being at the hospital just to watching J sleep. He's not an emotional guy and doesn't tend to get very visably upset.
Anyway they didn't like the "wait and see" approach so they managed to get him into a specialist today. He's waiting on the call now for how it goes.

If anyone has any spare prayers please say a prayer for J and for M & his wife.

I still can't believe how slow today is gone. I am so so so looking forward to going home and having a shower/crawling into bed.

Man I had some drama last night as well. So many emotions going on in my head at the moment. I can't seem to work out what the hell is what.
It's doing my head in(<---- Very aussie saying)

The only thing going through my mind right now is
BED BED BED BED BED BED BED BED

Anger

I hate so much that my anger consumes me sometimes.
I guess its just part of my depression which doesn't really help.
With all the work piling up, and the stress building I feel like I am kinda close to breaking point. Those few days of did wonders for me, but slowly I feel the pressure building on myself again and there is really no way out.

There is nothing more I can do besides tell myself to suck it up princess and just move on. Focus on the tasks I have to do, and forget about everything else.
Its harder than it appears.

My hair is being an asshole again so I am going to treat myself to a lovely
Avacado Hair Mask

And PRAY for a good night sleep.

Annoyed

That I am exhausted and awake.
That I am missing my mum so much.
That my dad finally gave me my mums wedding ring.
That I then 5 minutes later heard him say "good night princess, I love you" (And he meant it)
That RM has disapeared from my life and I feel a massive void. Like my heart has been smashed into a millon peices.
That I have so much work pilled on my desk sometimes I find it hard to breathe.
That no matter how hard I try to change I never can.
That I am transfering my affection. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
That they don't know whats wrong with my dad when something clearly is.
That I constantly am craving someone to talk to.
That I haven't slept in a bed snuggled up to anyone for more than a year now.
That I want to quit smoking but dont even have the guts to try.
That I now constantly crave sovlaki.
That I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if your dead.
That wanting to help someone, and them letting you actually help them is not fucking simple.
That my heart is exposed.
That I am slacking in paying off my debt.
That I am spending too much money.

Is it possible to catch a cold from pants?

Well to be fair.. They were WET PANTS.
This morning I woke up.. Late mind you. Jumped in the shower, crap I had to wash my hair. Dry my hair, do my make up.
Go to get my nice dry clean clothes out of the dryer.
Whats that?
They are still wet?
Hmm I must have forgotten to turn it on, whoops.
Typical me, remember to plug something in but forget to press the button.
I gave my Shirt, pants, and jumper 10 minutes to dry...
They weren't 100 %.. okay they were about 40 % dry.
I spent most of the trip to work with the heater on full blast trying to dry my shirt so my chest didn't get cold.
When I get a sore chest it aches coz I have some problem with my sternham.

Got to work, feeling rather please with my self.. sat down for 45 minutes and got stuck into work. When I got up to pee a little while later I realised JUST how wet my pants were, when they almost left a wet patch on my chair.
Thank gawd my pants are black or I would have looked significantly more foolish.
I will admit that I do smell like wet dog... However a few hours later I am feeling very dry but mighty unwell.
I dislike people who come to work sick..
GO HOME TO BED PEOPLE.
DONT RUIN MY WEEK COZ YOU'VE GOT PIG FLU.


Caz out

Stalkers? On the internet? NO WAY

Yes I am awake.
Yes its late... 1:30am.. booo
I wish I was asleep, sadly sleep eludes me on sunday nights.
I was playing around on stat counter..
Yes stat counter.. Because I am LAME and I like to know who visits my blog.
Stat counter has many features, you can see who was on your page, when, where they came from, blah blah blah ect.

However they also have a vistors map which basically shows the better half of the world.. With little flags identifying who has viewed your blog.
Awesome, basically its just a snap shot. Obviously most of my visitors come from the states "waves hello"

I decided to click on one of the little markers coz i'd never done that before.
SO click I dids, and I noticed there was a "zoom in" button, surely this thing couldnt give me anymore information that such and such lives in this town and uses this web browser and recently visited your site.
Well surely I was wrong. The more I zoomed in, the more info I got.
From country it went to state from state it went to city, from city it went to NEIGHBOURHOOD and if you kept on clicking it gives you the persons approixmate address.
WTF is up with that stat counter.
I love the people who read my blog but i'm not gonna randomly show up at there house.
GAWD.

I have no idea WHY this freaks me out.
Clearly I'm not gonna do anything sus with this information.
But in the wrong hands..
EEEP

This is why people remain annoyomus on the interwebs..

Kreative Blogger Award, who me??

I feel honored to have been tagged by the awesome Alyssa from twists of fate.
I could honestly go into a mini post about how awesome Alyssa is but to sum it up, Alyssa is kind and funny, and has been extremely supportive of me and my story and I truely value her friendship. Alyssa is wise behond her years and as an amazing person.


The responsibilities that come with the award consist of listing 7 things you love and then 7 blogs you'd like to pass the award on to.


1) Coffee. It goes without saying that I really could not live without my coffee for me it fills me up and keeps me awake on those cold winter mornings.
At present I spent $7.50 per day on coffee, which would make the average cost of my addiction $1500 a year. Ya know what? I don't care.
Latte, Cappucino, shot of hazlenut and fill me up.

2)My lovely guess hand bag. I hate shopping, except for handbags.
Guess is my absoulte fave due to the fact they that are extremely pretty.. hehe and well made. I am not a huge girly girl.. but me loves the giant pink tote I got from my brother/dad for christmas. 7 months later its still going strong. No wear and tear.. well except for the pen stains on the lining.

3) Pyjama's. I love my pj's I was thinking about asking everyone if we could have a "come to work in your pj's day" I am sure someone would turn up half naked to draw attention to themselves. If I am at home relaxing, I rarely and I mean rarely am actually dressed enough to go out. Always in my pj's.

4) Football. I know I am such a bogan but I just LOVE footy. I have been going since I was 3 years old and my passion for that will never waver. Hopefully if I have children I will pass this passion onto them as its one of the things my dad and I have bonded over through-out my life.

5) Work. Yup i just said it. Work. I've been working since I was 14 years old. Although I might bitch and moan, love my holidays. I realise that I am truly lucky to have a good job. I started young and after 3 years I have already moved up in the company. Thats something that doesnt happen all that often. I love most of the people I work with, and I love helping people so that the business and companies we work with thrive.

6) Blogging, aw hell that one was obvious. I love blogging it has really been the best sort of therapy for me this years.

7) Sovlaki's. I know its lame but I love them. They have become my weakness when it comes to fast food. I am drooling over the thought of having one right now, coz I haven't eaten dinner. But I must give them a miss tonight.


And now for 7 blogs I love love love.

Loren
Bella
Tarrah
Kitty
http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com/
http://thejeweledcaptainswife.blogspot.com/
Sarah


In other news.. I am thinking about doing a Vlog.
But I will really struggle to come up with a topic.. so if anyone can think of any topics for me to talk about.. or give me any ideas or have any questions...
Pretty please let me know.. Then I will try and do a Vlog.

Hope everyone is having/has had a nice weekend.
I can't believeeee mine is almost over.

I'm not very creative

However.. I have been playing around in photoshop.
I have been following many tutorials.
Normally I get half way through and then give up.
Today and persevered and
TA DAAAAAa




I love abstract stuff and this is about as abstract as it gets.. while still making a little bit of sense.

WOW its late in the afternoon I gotta get to the chemist before it closes.

Body Image

The dreaded body image post.
I was born small just over 5 pounds.
I was full term, completely healthy.
My mother smoked during her pregnancy.. it was the 80's i've forgiven her. You should too.
I took kindly to the breast, but I wasn't the kindest of babies. I hacked at her nipples until they were about to fall off.
During my first 6 months, they accused my mother because I had none other than;
"FAILURE TO THRIVE" those dreaded words no one wants to hear.
I was small, but again healthy.
From birth until about 7 I was completly normal, if not on the smaller side.. my dad used to sing me this song.
"I know a girl named obey canobeee, shes a skinny as a stick of macaroni"
By the time I was 9 two years later, my dad stopped singing me that song because I'd suddenly developed a thickness.
I began to chunk up around 8 year old we moved to a new neighbourhood where I new no one, suddenly I wasn't outside playing. I was inside watching our newly installed cable. Through-out this time I continued to play sport, but I wasn't any good because my weight was starting to get the better of me.
By the time I was 10 I was significantly overweight and I have stayed that way since.

Around 10 was when I was abused, I am not going to say that was the major catalyst in why I gained so much weight but I believe it had a part in it.

As time went on..I was bullied. I was a full on child and I believe my mother used food as a way to make me happy. I don't remember being different from the other kids.. I ate three meals a day, I occasionally snacked.. Did exercise but somehow I kept growing.

By the time I started high school... Lets face it.. I was a BIG girl.
At 12 I was almost fully developed with large breasts.
I wasn't the only large girl in my class, there were a few others.
We were picked on. Through this I gained a very very thick skin, not much in this world bothers me.
I began to realise at about 14 that I was different. I was so much larger than my friends. While they wore all the "cool clothes" and became interested in boys obsessivly. I withdrew. I ate to hide the fact that I was desperatly unhappy with my apperance.

I went on diets, low carbs, no carbs, no sugar.
Normally I would suceed for a small period of time but then i'd be right back to my old ways.

Searching for acceptance I found solace in the internet and began to explore my sexuality.
I found people online who I could relate to. They couldn't see who I was.. Only pictures that I chose to share. I found great comfort in these people.
When I met my first girlfriend online I remember being so scared that she'd hate me because I was so fat. But we met and she was in awe of my personality. I couldn't believe my luck. After my first relationship ended, I always figured that it was something to do with how I looked.

My underbite also bothered me quite a bit during this time. I felt ugly and fat.
I would constantly hang shit on myself because it was better than others doing it for me.

When I met georgia online I obsessivly told her how fat I was. I told her she wouldn't like me and that I was ugly. She couldn't have disagreed more.
When I finally met her, I saw the way she looked at me.
I began to feel beautiful. Being with her was different. I wasn't self conscious. I didn't mind if she would watch me eat, hell I knew I was different. I was a big girl. But she made me feel beautiful. With her I could completely be myself. I didn't care if she saw me naked. When she touched my stomach I wouldn't cringe. To this day, no one has made me feel like that.
I love her immensly for showing me that kind of love, trust and respect.
I don't need to be told that I am beautiful, but when someone looks at you and you know how they feel about you. That is priceless.

Fast forward a few years. I never really maintained or watched my weight. I went up, and down.. never by a whole heap. Until my mum got sick.
Food because MY BEST FRIEND. Food wasn't judgemental, it didn't ask me questions. It wouldn't pick a fight with me. It was just there. It filled me, even for those 15 minutes after you eat. I was full and I was happy.

After mum died, I continued to gain weight. I didn't realise until some new stretchmarks emerged on my stomach. Shit I thought, I better ease up.

Then I had my jaw surgery.. No food for 3 weeks will do wonders for your body. I quickly began to shed the kilos. My face too had changed.. I guess I felt more attractive. Then I decided that if i'd lost all this weight not trying. I was gonna try. I joined curves, and lite n easy. I watched my calories, BARELY ever cheated.
I'd lost about 15 kilos and thats when it started.

Unwanted attention. From friends, from strangers, from co workers. Telling me how great I looked. I hate people looking at me, watching me. Noticing what I am doing.
And then someone from work pulled me right into line.
All of a sudden he began telling me how great I looked, how I was beautiful and smart and funny. Being nieve and only ever into women. I was shocked at getting all this attention. At work he would annoy me everyday with constant questions about what was I doing to look so great, and why didn't I have a boyfriend.
On more than one occasion. He crossed the line.

Then all of a sudden.. I stopped caring. Yeah I looked better on the outside but on the inside I was dead. How could any amount of weight, encourage that much extra attention, let alone from a married man with 3 children.
I was upset. I tried to focus on my depression and get that in check. Slowly I began to gain weight, at first it wasn't noticable.
20 kilos or 44 pounds later.. It is.

I have fallen back into the grasps of depression. I struggle to breath some days, let alone control what I eat or exercise.
I know that I have the power to change my own body, I've done it before.
My self esteem is shot in a way, but in a way its strangly impowered.
I realised through my weightlosses and gains, my image doesnt ever change that much.
If I weigh 90 kilos, or 50 kilos.. I am still going to look at my self and see the same flaws.

Being told your beautiful doesn't always help.
When B was down, I was nervous about him seeing me. Yes he's a happily married man but I was smaller last time he saw me. I never noticed the way he looked at me before. On one of the days he was down, I was sitting on the floor throwing some kind of hissy fit and stuffing paper into postal tubes.. He looked down at me and asked if I would send something for him.
He smiled at me.. and in that instant I knew he was thinking that I was beautiful.
Not from the outside, because I was clearly more attractive on the outside 18 months ago. But on the inside, He knows me. The in's and outs of my personality. He has heard me swear, and throw tantrums. Cry and scream and bitch and yell.
And he still thinks I'm beautiful.

I don't think obesity is sexy. I know that if I don't eventually lose SOME of this weight that my health will begin to suffer. I am a realist. I don't wear items of clothing that are inappropriate. I don't flaunt my fat, or claim to be hot stuff.
At the end of the day.. I will be the same person with or without the extra weight.
I can struggle and push myself to the limits. If I wanted to stop eating, and exercise insesntly. I could, I know I could.
But right now, thats not who I want to be.
I've desired to look a certain way never for myself, but always for others.

I will never do that to myself again.
In my own time I will see the beauty that a select few people see in me.

Then I'll be changed for good and no amount of compliments or extra attention will have me throwing big macs down my throat to stop people from staring.
When I am ready. Nothing will stop me.

Secrets and lies part 2

Following on from my previous post.

After losing her 2 first children my grandmother began to slowly put the peices of her life back togerther.
Eventually she met a lovely man, who would become her husband.
She had two beautiful children and was living a happy and contented life with a man who loved. They had built a wonderful family.
Her husband then suffered a heart attack and died.
Young still and alone with two young children my grandmother fought to make it on her own.

Working as a cook she met a charming and attractive older gentlemen who had not long returned from the second world war.
They began to have an affair at first it was all roses, but then he began to change.
He became aggressive and violent able to turn on my grandmother at any moment.
Time passed and unable to leave the abusive relationship, my grandmother again fell pregnant.
When she told him of this, he told her if she didn't "fix the problem" that he would "fix it for her"
My grandmother had no choice but to have a backyard abortion. The abortion led to complications due to the way it was done and she bled so much that she almost died.

Still after this experience she was not able to free herself from the clutches of his man. Time passed and regretably she fell pregnant again.
This time she was pregnant with my mother.

My grandmother stood up to him and told him it was over her dead body that she was terminating the pregnancy.He would beat her frequently.

Thankfully my mother was born safe and well.
Around the time of my mothers birth the physical relationship between the two of them ended.
My mother was the child of two unwed alcoholics. Astrasized from both side of her family. My grandmother struggled to put food on the table for her children.
While my grandfathers family who was notably well off refused to support or help more than a few occasional weekend visits.
During this time my grandfather would go over and beat my grandmother.
His family knew this was happening and allowed it.

Probably the biggest family secret of all is that although my aunt has never said anything, we are pretty sure she was abused sexually by my grandfather.
There were often times that he was left alone with her two older children while he worked. He would at times "discpline them" but it is a general concencious in our family that this is a strong possibility. My aunt is a wonderful person but she has major difficulty in showing love or affection. Mostly to her own children.
There was a time in my life when we lived close to our grandfather.. I assume that my mother found out or suspected the abuse. Within 2 weeks we had moved states, as my mum couldn't stand to look out the window as it looked directly down to his house by the water.

So there you have it, just a few of my family secrets

Secrets and lies part 1

Growing up my mother was always very cautious about the information she shared about her up bringing. I know that she did not have an easy or pleasant child hood.
When I was about 17 I began to ask more and more questions about my mothers family.

When my grandmother was 17 she fell in love.. great yes?
Nope. She fell in love with a man who she didn't know was married.
Soon enough she was pregnant. 60+ Years ago the technologly wasn't what it is now there was no POAS or beta's to let her know she was expecting.
Being young and nieve she continued living her life, loving this man.
Eventually when she admited to herself she was pregnant this nice loving man turned on her saying that he wanted nothing to do with her. Naturally she was devestated.
When she was almost 8 months along she went into premature labour. Taken to place that specialized in the "unwed" mothers department. Here is where it gets fuzzy, as her labour progressed she was given medication that rendered her almost unable to function.She was able to give birth, to twins.
Immediatly following the birth she was given more medication that rendered her unconcious.

When she awoke and asked for HER children.
She was told that they were both still born and had died.

As my mother sat there and told me this story my jaw dropped to the floor.
"But that's what they would say when they were going to give children up for adoption without the parents consent"

This happened quite often in Australia in the 30's + 40's right up until the 60's.
Women told there babies had died in order to place them for adoption.
Young single mothers who had been taken advantage of.

My grandmother never saw those children.
Haunted by the painful memories of a love that had been so cruel.
She never tried to find out if they were really alive.
I understand that it would have been painful, and confusing to a young women.

Before my mother died we contemplated trying to track down the records of the children's birth. Being that it was almost 70 years ago it would have been understanably hard.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder.
Do I really have more aunty's or uncles out there?
Are they still alive? Did they have a good life?

Sadly I think these questions will always remain unanswered.

writters block

Kinda..
Right now I feel like I have SO much I could write..
But it would all just come out jumbled.
I want to write a few posts.. i've seen a few posts on body image.. I definatly want to throw in my 2 cents on that.
I want to speak about my family and a few secrets that have been floating in my mind lately.....
I want to bitch about AF being a no show again which means either i'm on the wrong pill or its too fricken good.
That reminds me, need a new prescription of my crazy pills tomorrow.
I want to write about a list of goals I am thinking of giving myself.... yup i'm procrastinating about life changing decsions thats probably not a good sign.
The bloggy world has been a bit quite as of late... Lots of things going on.
I also have an Un-Healthy obsession with the game "diner dash"
I am pretty sure it was designed for 10 year olds. I keep getting caught up in games that last for 40 minutes. I am such a loser.. I am not hungry but I strongly feel the urge to eat.. oh if only I had that list of life style changes to refer to maybe i'd be doing a bit better.

Lots in the works...
Stay tuned..
or not.. its really up to you.

I should have quit while I was ahead

Just here Today actually, I shared my experience with falling in and out of love.
That love, that nagging love must have been at the back of my mind all day.
I pushed it away, got right down to work. Handed out the mini quiches that I had made for all the boys happily.
I worked away, we laughed and joked and I generally enjoyed my VERY BUSY friday.

Until 4:26pm when my darling B left a message on my phone.
He's a funny bugger with his short messages "Call me, re this customer and this flyer" Awesome I can spend the last 20 minutes of work speaking to one of my favourite people. So I dial the number.. and it rings. Odd I think, he'd have answered by now... But still I let it ring.. hang on what number did I ring again...

"Well hello" says a familar and un-mistakeable voice.

Thinks to self
SHIT FUCK SHIT BUGGER POO SHIT

"Uh hi, hows it going"

"ahh yeh okay and you?"

"Umm yeh not bad, okay I feel bad but I dialled the wrong number.. so weird"

"Not weird at all"

I can hear him smirking down the other end of the line.

Sucess he's thinking 4 weeks, no phone calls. I broke her. (okay maybe i'm being harsh he could have just been happy to talk to me)

General chit chat follow.. how's you.. tells me about the situation with the kids. Nothing new there, just a lot of back and forth.

During the course of the conversation he uses a big word... big meaning more than three silabals. I repeat the word.. knowing what it meant but it still surprises me that he talks like such a "grown up" when he's such a big kid.

He then proceeds to tell me this story about the movie beverly hills cop and how the word is revelant in the movie.. quoting the line from the movie and the guy.
Honestly I feel stupid because I can't remember the word now and its driving me NUTS!

The whole time hes talking im just sitting there going red thinking
"I CANT BELIEVE I CALLED HIM< SHIT SHIT SHIT"

Finally he stops talking and says "thats me and my random memories eh"
I respond with
"Selective memory of a goldfish"

he laughs hysterically.. as he only he does.

And I say "wellll"
Ya know that wellll ya do when you want to end a conversation.

He wishes me a good weekend, and then thats it.

I was short, sharp and slightly rude while talking to him.
So I sent him txt to say sorry.
I can't help it!!!
I don't like to be rude!!!!!

LET THEM GO

Someone has hold of my invisable testicles.
Okay.. not actually testicles.
But I am being pulled in every which way today.
I've been at work for 6 hours, and I have a to do list a mile long.
I was actually looking forward to relaxing back into work.. thinking people would give me a bit of space coz ya know I'VE BEEN ON FAMIL LEAVE YA KNOW.
But no.
Everyone wants everything done, and yesterday.
"I've got this important meeting"
"I need this as soon as possible"
"Could you just do this for me quickly"

Seriously people.
Lay off.
Busting my gut will NOT get anything done for you quicker.
Despite being a very helpful person, I have my own list of prorities.
I'm not going to set aside every hour of my day catering to YOUR every need.
Sure I want to help, but killing me with requests isn't going to get that done quicker.
Its just going to overwhelm and frustrate me completly.

So really, how is everyone doing?
How's has everyone week been so far?


End Rant

And the award for the best daughter in the world goes too

ME!
I am so tired, but still awake.
I figure If I can keep checking on dad til about 4am... ish he'll stay awake for his test tomorrow. It's important.
I am wrecked, and in the midst of an emotional conflict...
More on that later


LAYER ONE: On The Outside
- Name: Caragh
- Nickname: Caz,Obeone,Doeven,Dobean,Raragh
- Birth date: Feb 15
- Eye Color: Green
- Hair Color: Blonde
- Height: 5'4 1/2
- Righty or Lefty: Righty
- Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

LAYER TWO: On The Inside
- Your heritage: Dutch mostly
- Who you look like: Both my parents
- Your weakness: Love
- Your fears: I am fearless.. that or big spiders, death and fire
- Your perfect pizza: BBQ meat lovers
- Goal you'd like to achieve: Go back to uni, find partner, have babies.. all before im 30... I know i'm dreaming

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
- Your most overused phrase on messenger: lol
- Your thoughts first waking up: noooooooo
- Your best physical feature: My eyes and the jaw/teeth that cost me $10,000
- Your bedtime: N/A.. Insomnia is AWESOME
- Your most missed memory: Being in love

LAYER FOUR: Your Pick
- Pepsi or Coke: Coke
- McDonald's or Burger King: HUNGRY JACKS(aussie verison of burger king)
- Single or group dates: Single
- Adidas or Nike: Nike
- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccion

LAYER FIVE: Do You?
- Smoke: Yes, sadly
- Cuss: fuck no!
- Sing: I used to do it alot, now not so much
- Believe in yourself: Ha gawd no
- Get motion sickness: Nope
- Think you're attractive: Nope
- Think you're a health freak: Not even close.
- Get along with your parents: My dad goes alright
- Like thunderstorms: Love them.
- Play an instrument: I used to sing and I can play mary had a little lamb on the recorder

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
- Drank alcohol: Um, yes.
- Smoked: Yes
- Done a drug: Nope
- Gone to the mall: Yes
- Cried: hmmm yes
- Kissed someone you didnt want to: Nope,
- Been on stage: ??? No.
- Gone skating: No, but I so totally would.
- Gone skinny dipping? No
- Dyed your hair: Nope
- Stolen anything: Nope

LAYER SEVEN: Ever..
- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Very
- Been caught "doing" something? I like to have sex in public so err yes
- Gotten beaten up? Yes
- Shoplifted: Never ever

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older
- Age you hope to be married: I don't want to get married
- Numbers and Names of Children: WOA thats too far ahead.
I want a couple of kids, but as for names I would like to name one after my mum as a second name
- Describe your dream wedding: N/A
- What country would you most like to visit: FIJI!!


LAYER NINE: In a partner
- Best eye color: Eh.. i'm not fussed.. probably lighter than darker though
- Hair color: Not fussed as long as they like it
- Short or long hair: Short on guys, long on girls.(I swing both ways..sorta)
- Height: Taller than me
- Weight: N/A
- Best articles of clothing: Nothing thats too tight on guys.. for a woman anything that suits them and makes them feel beautiful

LAYER TEN: In The Numbers...
- Number of people I could trust with my life: ??????
- Number of CDs that I own: 40??
- Number of piercings: Just ear lobes.
- Number of tattoos: Three
- Number of times name has appeared in the newspaper? No Idea

Just to prove my boss is an idiot.

The other day at work we were having a discussion about fertility.
My friend M thinks that he is extremely fertile. His son was concieved 3 weeks into his relationship with his wife, it turned out to be a happy ending.
Because of this one "happy accident" he seems to think that if he blinked at his wife while she was ovulating that she would be pregnant.. or something along those lines..

This of course led to the topic of infertility.
B my friend who struggled with infertility for many years, openly discusses his infertility. The problems, and struggles they had to go through to concieve their son.

My boss chimed in that he knew a couple who tried to concieve for many years.
5 years on their own, and 5 years with IVF.
He then went on to say after 10 years, they save up.
Relaxed... and as the urban myth went on...
He revealed that after they "just relaxed" they went on to concieve not only one miracle baby, but two.

I am not an expert in infertility, but reading all of the stories.. following the journey's that many of my blogger friends are on.
I tend to wonder if he as confused and got the story wrong.

Reason 234823984029839 as too why my boss is an idiot.

I'll admit it

I've done almost as little as I did yesterday.
Almost but not quite.
I woke up later and went to the shops to get my ingredients for my world famous lasanage.
My dad was meant to come home, but he wont be til later.. so I guess its dinner for one.

Would anyone like a slice?




I'll admit there is about 2974897487 calories per peice.
My lasange is weird and created by me....
It contains:

500 grams of ground beef or mince meat
6 slices of bacon
1 small onion
1 carrot
5 mushrooms
1/2 an egg plant
1 zucchini
1 capsicum
Garlic
Diced Tomatos
Pasta Sauce

Cheese sauce:

Equal parts butter and plain flour.
Tasty cheese to suit your love of cheese.

Simmer the sauce for 30 minutes, checking to stir.

Throw it all togerther in a baking dish and cook for 45 minutes at about 180.

I must admit, it does taste really really good.
And its a great way to get people who dislike vegetables to eat them because really you hardly know it there.

Serve with garlic bread.


AF just made her apperance YAY.. no sarcasm.. I must admit it felt weird not having her around really the last few months.
Hopefully she has a short and pleasent(pain free) stay of 3-5 days then doesn't bother me until next month.
Trying hard to get my cycle on track so I dont have to change pills.

Yesterday I realised that I was fighting a losing fight with my phone.
It kept turning off.. and then wouldnt turn on.. then it would.. then it wouldnt.
So my soultion;





I like it.. kinda.. touch phones are annoying.
It will take some getting used to.
Its got a few really good features so I like it.
I keep going to flip down to see the key pad.. but there isn't one.

Oh well, we'll see if she goes the distance.
I got it a shiny new plastic cover so that If I drop it (which I will probably daily) she'll be okay!

Alright we'll im outtie.
I can smell my lasanage cooling down.
Off for my eye brow wax and then dinner.

I am so suprised at how calm and happy i've been lately.
its a great feeling

Eh you win some

You lose some.
Thats what they say huh..
So.. I've finally grasped the concept of HOW to create a blogger layout in photoshop.
I've mastered the skill of the "slicing" feature also, worked out how to host the images.. and plug them into the html coding the photoshop gives me.
But then..
I am STUCK.
I very much understand the "concept" of how it all works.
But as far as filling in the blanks to make it all come togerther.
I am blank.

I am laughing at the fact that its 2pm and I've done um...
Nothing?
There is a huge pile of washing sitting on the pool table.. and I don't feel like touching it.
Of course I know I MUST touch it at SOME point.

Hot damn I'm hungry.

To move or not to move that is the question

I don't mean actually move.
I mean off my bed.
tee hee.

Today is day one of caragh's awesome three days off work.
Today is the only dad I wont spend running around after dad making sure hes not being a dickhead.
He insisted on going to work today, which means I should be at work today.
But meh, they can suck it.
I totally deserve this as I've had NO sick days all year.
Coming from someone who for the first 3 years was in the minus... for her sick days that's a big effort.

I've already gotten up, got myself a coffee and lodged my tax return.
Ah tax time.. free cash..kinda.
I'm not due for a huge refund but hell who would say no to 1000 dollars.
I already have the money spent, but that's A-Okay with me.
It shall be used to spoil me, and pay off a few bills.

I can't believe its 11am already.. I didn't sleep THAT late.. Really it was only 9:30
Today will be filled with day time TV and playing computer games.
I am going to attempt to teach myself how to make blog layouts.
Yes I am going to attempt this. I will probably give up and throw the computer at the wall.

This TMI post goes out to big K who was complaining to me last night that my blog posts were boring and that its gross to talk about my period.
Well a big fat BOO HOO to you big K.
My period is due soon, and for once I'm really hoping it comes.
Hmm I also must must must make a doctors appointment.

For A) Some blood tests.. I know I need them.. I know I'm gonna have high cholesterol.
B) my unexplained gross probably from the other day
C) Update the doco on my girly problems, get another pill prescription
D) Refill my lexapro prescription.

I never thought I'd be so layed back about taking AD's for such a long period of time. But I will stay on them for the year. They really have helped me so much.. I am so much less of an angry and spiteful person.


Speaking of angry and spiteful.
I haven't heard from RM since last week.
Yeh I know I know.. I fucked him off..
Kinda sorta... maybe.
No I did, I did.
I am under no elusion that he is the perfect man who loves me to bits.

I don't think he's avoiding me, he's in a dark place.

Hmmm
6 year custody battle
Relationship breakup
Losing is house

ya think that would do it?
it's insane hes trying to deal with all of that on his own.

As my mum said though, some people do not want to be helped.

oh well, Doctor Phil and failure of trying to design blog layouts awaits me!

Edit:
I havent moved.
MAN it feels good.
I am seriously considering quiting my job and becoming a hobo..
oh what a life..No seriously I could never do that but a girl can dream can't she.

Theories

The other day we were all standing around outside getting our morning coffee.
We have a van that drives to our work and delievers us lovely hot lattes and cappucinos.
I placed my order, and one of the ladies (who isn't a regular) was in a bit of a mood she was like YOU CUT IN! HOW RUDE!
My response was "I was just placing my order, if richard is a true gentlemen he will make the coffee in the other we came out"
She continued to sarcastically make a fuss, going on and on and on and on.
Literally.

I then experienced deja vu.
I have always experienced it quite a lot in my life, usally atleast a few times a week.
I said "woa freaky deja vu" because of all the things that could have been "repeated" in my life why that.
The woman then proceeded to tell me that it meant "my life was on track" and that "everything was what it was suppossed to be"

SERIOUSLY>>>
You expect me to believe that crap.
It was the day after dad had the seizure so I was tired and not in the best mood.

There are lots of mixed messages out there about why people experience deja vu....
But I think this one tends to suit me a little more.

In the late 20th and early 21st centuries, it is widely believed that déjà vu could be caused by the mis-timing of neuronal firing. This timing error was thought to lead the brain to believe that it was encountering a stimulus for the second time, when in fact, it was simply re-experiencing the same event from a slightly delayed source. A number of variations of these theories exist, with miscommunication of the two cerebral hemispheres and abnormally fast neuronal firing also given as explanations for the sensation. Scientists also believe that it could be due to a split-second restart of the neural system, leading the person to believe they have already experienced an event some time before, when theoretically they have experienced the event only a split-second before.


I tend to have it at the weirdest moments.
Just 5 minutes ago I was emersed in an awesome game of "diner dash"
Because really what better things do I have to do with my saturday night than play video games after i've slept all day..
umm lol yeh..

Just some food for thought..
Speaking of food..
Second dinner?

I knew that grand-pa style 5pm dinner wouldn't do me any good.

Wishes

Sometimes you wish and wish and wish for something.
And then it comes true.
You find out what you wished for, isn't really what you want..
Its more like something you use to tell yourself it will make your life LESS complicated.
But in reality it makes your life so much more complicated..

I am so insanley bored.. If anyone wants me to make them a signature thing.. I will..
If you give me an idea of what you want, and the size..
Or if you want a header or something.
I'm practicing up on my photoshop skills.

Oh the guilt!!

I have really been missing max, my dog since he went to live with my brother and his partner and their dog Molly.
I knew it was in his best interests as they were very close.
I'm not doing much this weekend, so I thought having max for a short visit would be good.
He was very excited and happy to see me, also happy to be putting his colar on and getting in the car.
When we got home he took a big wee on the front lawn and then ran around the house looking for everyone. (No one was home)
Then I gave him some dinner.
About 5 minutes after that he starting howling..
My lil boy has never howled much, except for when my mum died.
He is SO sad to be away from molly.. I almost feel guilty enough to take him back!
But sometime apart will be good for them, it makes all relationships stronger.
My brother will be really happy to see him when he gets home from work, and I am happy to have someone to snuggle up next too..
So long as he stops crying and wants to have a rest.

It is amazing how much knowing you DONT have to work for a few days does to your mood.
I am feeling really good right now.

YAY YAY YAY

o0o0o
I just booked some time off.
I can take it as family leave because I'll mostly be looking after dad.
But next week im gonna look after myself a bit as well.
I need to go to the doctors. Sit on my big fat ass and stop stressing because if it doesnt make me sick it will kill me.

Over it

Dad managed to get an appointment to see the neuro guy he saw last time.
The guy thinks he MAY have fainted and then had a seizure.
But because its happened more than once, they need to run more tests.
Blood test.
ECG.
EKG.
Tilt test.

and something else.
Next week he has to stay up all tuesday night and get exhausted, then they will go in and run some tests on his brain to see if he possibly has epipsly that didn't show up before.

Ontop of that.. the stress of everything is really getting to me.
I'm sick, and I wont say more coz its TMI.
But let me say I am rather uncomfortable.
I am going to avoid going to the doctor until next week because I really don't feel like being poked and prodded while i'm driving dad around to be poked and proded.
And my doctor is only in on tuesdays so thats the end of the that.

I think I may take half of next week off.
I am just so exhausted and stressed out over everything.
I just need to relax but at the same time I can't because of everything going on.

I was just starting to get my depression and emotions in check.
And then this.
Wow...

Dear Anonoymus

In response too:


<75.60.213.185- Columbus, Ohio
ISP: Sbc Internet Services.>

Wow...you're so smart. *eyeroll* Yes, that's me. No big secret...anyone with a tad bit of brains can find a persons IP address. Big Whoop. It's not like it's my name and address. All you had to do was ask I could've saved you the trouble.
Would you like my name too? Vanessa Baker...so there. I don't have a blog that's why I comment as anonymous. And yes, I'm a returning visitor. I floated over here via Bella's. (congrats on the babies. twins, how cool)

I still stand by what I said...the guy is married, you're crossing a line, even if you don't want to see it. I will apologize for allowing my feelings get the best of me and using the word skanky. I should have said keep your hands, that are not wearing his wedding ring, off. He's married.

Men and women, even those married to others, can be friends. Absolutely. It's when your behavior starts tongues wagging that there's a problem. Friends don't behave in ways that make those around them question what they're up to. You can deny and bluster all you want...but that's the truth. You can blame it on others and their dirty minds or whatever...but the fact remains that no one would say anything about you and B being friends if you guys weren't acting like more than just friends. Answer this...if B's wife was sitting next to him on that bus would you have put your head on his shoulder?? If the answer is no...then you shouldn't be doing it when she isn't around. Simple. And if you say you would I call bullshit. No married woman is going to be fine with some other chicken cozying up to her husband. Ain't happenin'.

You don't want a drama-fest...then don't give people something to talk about.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. Seriously. I hope everything turns out fine. I have enjoyed reading your blog...this subject just hit a nerve and I reacted poorly.



AKA Vanessa Baker from Columbus, Ohio.

There are so many things I could say to you.
So many things that are nasty, or bitchy or rude.
I choose to do nothing.
I choose to say nothing.
Because its not worth it.
You are no one to me, there for your opinion doesnt matter to me.
Thank you for your amusing comments.
Me and my awesome blogger friends enjoyed laughing at you. Not with you.

I'm glad you enjoy my blog, and that you wish my dad all the best.
But seriously.
Get a life, stay out of mine and keep your judgement to yourself.


To everyone else.
Thank you for your comments, well wishes
A big big big congrats to Bella & Her Fella Who will be expanding there beautiful family with TWINS next year.

Busy day, I must get cracking.

If its not one thing.. its another.

My life is full of drama..
It flocks to me.
My family, my friendships, my relationships.
One big fucking drama after another.

Today I was run off my feet at work.
By 3pm I had this weird feeling something wasn't right, my heart was racing and I was sweating and feeling really fucking ill in the guts.
I assumed it was lunch and all the running up and down the stairs.

I finally sat back at my desk after a long stint running around and my desk phone rings for the 230984230984098 time.
I answer quickly assuming its another asshole who wants something.
But no.. It's my dad's boss.

DING DING DING.
DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.

He asked me if I got the txt message from dads phone.
Nope.
Dad has had another turn...
Another seizure.
Basically back in feb, he had a seizure at work.. A large one. He fell.. hit his head went to hospital. Tests showed he had a small non cancerous tumor.
He went through heaps of testing which cost a fortune, only to be told it was un explained.
Yeh awesome.

This time the seziure lasted for 25 seconds. The worst part was, he was out cold for 15 minutes. Stopped breathing a few times.
Thankfully, he is okay. He was a bit foggy and out of it.
They ran some blood tests, which were normal.
Didn't do a CT or Cat Scan and basically told him not to drive.
Go home, and then go and see his neuro guy again.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I wont even go into a rant about how mad and upset I am.
He could have been killed, he could have killed someone on the road.
I'm pissed that he will have to go through the same expensive tests again, probably to have no soultion put forward.
I'm scared that this could happen again.

So I'm asking for it.
Prayers.
Prayers that my dad will be okay.
That they will find whats wrong.
That they can fix it.
That everything will be okay.
Because I can't NOT have my dad. He is all i've got left.
I need him, and he needs to be here. His time is not up.

Dad's girlfriend was at the hospital when I got there.
She didn't shit me too much, she as pretty concerned.
She bugged the nurses coz he was waiting quite a while.
Someone refered to her as my mum.
I laughed, so I wouldnt cry.
In the end dad came home with me, and she went home about 20 minutes before us.
When we got home she sent him a txt saying how bad she felt and that she was being selfish for going home and not looking after him after all he'd done before.
It actually made more sense for him to come home with me though.. so I wasn't pissed and he wasn't upset or anything.
I guess that was kinda nice.

Anyway, besides my crazy day.
Lack of sleep.
Far to much nicotine.
And a SHIT load of drama.
I am okay, and things WILL be okay.
Well thats what I am hoping.

THANK YOU

To everyone who pointed at laughed with me at that annoyomus idiot.
I am still laughing at HER stupidity.
Sorry but a man doesn't use the word skanky.

I love love love.
You all.
So much.

Bella- its Wednesday here and I am thinking of you. Lets keep snickering at the idiot.

Alyssa-yeh its only one photo of me.. Not loving myself right now.
Also thank you for being concerned about the possible drama.
My choice is to relax and go with the flow. B's wife is honestly okay with our friendship. I know that 100 % in my heart.

Porkstar- Yup whom ever from columbus ohio definatly is from another time or place.


Kitty- I would die happy if I got to put my body on yours hehe.

Anonymus number 2- Thanks BIG K.
LOVE YOU


Wow I better buzz I am SO fricken buzy.

Its official!!!

I have arrived in the world of blogging..
I just got my first nasty anonymous comment.
WOO


Anonymous:
If you want people to mind their own business don't give them a reason to talk about you. If you're going to hang all over a married man, you're going to be talked about. If you have so much respect for him and his marriage...keep your skanky hands off him. He's married. geez.

1st of all- LOL
2nd of all- I do believe I said I put my head on his shoulder
3rd of all- Fuck off

Man whoever that was just made my day.

PS: Can everyone who thinks that men and women who have partners can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex, or the sex they are attracted too.
PLEASE raise your hand.

PPS:
I am pretty sure this is the annoyomus commenter.

75.60.213.185- Columbus, Ohio
ISP: Sbc Internet Services.

THEY ARE A RETURNING VISITOR!!!
WHO NOW THINKS THAT I AM A WHORE
HEHEHE

EVEN FUNNIER.

Wedding Pictures

Note to self, we are all terrible photographers.
And I can't do this in order because I'm not smart enough. HA



A & H being stupid



My friend H eating a vegetables.
She NEVER eats vegetables, infact we made her eat a carrot and a bean and she acted like she was going to die..



H Being her silly self




Share the love



S & J's first dance as husband and wife



The lovely couple at the end of there ceremony had a commitment ceremony to their son.





My friends S & J cutting their wedding cake



The large bridal party




my friends S & A



My friends A & H




All of us before the wedding waiting in my car.
Ha nice..


At the moment.. I am totally feeling something.
Its weird. So very weird.
I can't put my finger on what I am feeling.
I wish I could though.

Bitchy mck bitch

For 95% of the work day today.. I was in a foul mood.
I kept too myself because I can REALLY be a mole if I wanna be.

I was still pissed off about last night.
Still a little hungover/tired.
and I am also PMSing.
I am actually hoping AF shows up this cycle because if it doesnt it will freak me out and send me back to the doctor to change pills.
And I honestly can't be bothered with any of that jazz.

Towards the end of the day I lightened up a bit.
I spoke to one of the guys who was relevativly sober on the bus ride home.
He still thought it was funny how everyone giggled and went
o0o0o0o when I put my head on B's shoulder.

How something so innocent can be such a big deal.
Thankfully most of the people on the bus were probably to drunk to remember.
M my friend pointed out that the most important people (Manager of marketing who is my boss, and the manager of sales who is B's boss) wouldn't have thought anything suspscious of the situation.
If anything my boss was probably just worried that my friendship with B could cause me to be maniuplated by him.. as he is in sales (No offense to anyone in sales) but he COULD use my knowledge and access at work too his own benefit.
But he doesn't and if he did cross the line. I would poliety tell him to F-OFF.

Starving ness has totally hit me, as I did have something for breakfast.. But we had like a little finger food lunch and my tummy is grumbling.
I am very much hoping for a good night's sleep this weekend.

If I am MIA for the next few days its because my dad hasn't paid the electricty bill and our power may be disconnected.
Yes I'm serious. I was SO pissed. I'm like "DAD IF YOU DIDN"T HAVE THE MONEY I COULD HAVE PAID IT"
It pisses me off that after everything he is still reluctant to sell his motorbike. He needs to do it to get ahead.
Yet he is still funding his very wealthy girlfriends lifestyle.

Whatever, stupid people make stupid choices huh.
Ha like I can talk.
What's that saying? Stupid is.. as stupid does.

I will say, apart from the bus drama I really had a fantastic time last night.
Sometimes when you work with people for so long but don't socialise with them.
You forget they are real people... I know that sounds weird.
But everyone will know what I mean.

My friend M is taking 3 days off. He got married almost a year ago and is yet to take his honeymoon. They have an 18 month old, who they have never spent the night away from. Him and his wife are gonna take some quality time and get J babysat this week. He really deserves some time off, but damn im gonna miss him.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with my boss for the next 3 days though.
He is so stupid at times its unbearable. He sent an important document back to the states today with "categorie" on it.. yeh.. I do believe its catergory.. But whatever mr on 50 K more than me a year with your 2 houses, a boat, a caravan and an apparent degree.
Yeh fricken right.

We are having a sales guy come in tomorrow and pitch a printer to us which will be quite an expensive capital equipment investment in the recession. Not that he know's what this means.. or will know any of the correct questons to ask. He is all MONEY MONEY MONEY. I have a list of questions and I hope he just sits there, shuts up and lets me get the right printer for our needs because hot damn the last one he brought would be a failure as something to be blown up. Its just THAT CRAP.

Wow all this bitchy-ness has certainly made me hungry.
I'm going to get this for dinner.
I am SO addicted, they just opened one near my house and the food is so fricken good.
I love love love it.. I just have to learn that because its got lettuce and tomato does not make it healthy...

My day/Night in a nut shell

2 hours sleep.
2 strong cofffes
2 many cigarettes
2 hours of presentations
2 frozen cocktails
2 glasses of wine
2 much dirty conversation
2 much food
2 very very drunk co-workers

AND

TOO much fucking attention being paid to ME and MY relationship with MY friend.
Seriously.
Can people just fuck off? Seriously
B is a HAPPILY married guy.
He would never try anything.
I would NEVER do anything.
Don't stare at us as if we have something going on.
Its rude.
By the end of it, he had become so concious of the staring that he was scared to talk to me.
THAT SUCKS.

Needless to say he wasn't annoyed, or overwhelmed by our 5 hours of dinner conversation. He was just trying to protect us from having nasty rumours spread about us.Anyway, he called me to see if I got home okay and tell me it was great to see me and catch up.

SO suck on that.
He is not trying to get in my pants.
Yes he thinks I'am awesome and we work SO well together.
We share secrets, and stories.
But thats it.

I will always be friends with him.
UNLESS at the request of his wife we end our friendship.
Because I respect his relationship and I would never to anything to put any harm or stress on his marriage.
But that wouldn't happen because his wife loves and respects him.
GRRR
Why can't people just leave it alone.

ahhh

sleep why must you elude me!
grrr

ahhh

sleep
why must you elude me??
WHYYYYY

Poor Knuckles

About 2 months ago a lovely young man an idiot barely out of his teens moved to the apartment next door.
Normally I don't mind neighbours. Usally I am friendly.. the odd smile or a wave.

But this idiot really yanks my chain.
I mean REALLY yanks my chain.

You see, he has a lovely dog.
Named KNUCKLES.

First of all WTF at knuckles, what a terrible name.
I don't blame the poor thing for being such a sook.
And thats what he is, he's a sook. I haven't seen him but judgeing by the loudness of his bark, and the way he bounces around over there I am assuming he is quite large.
Next door has no backyard, only a small courtyard.
Poor thing is going mental in there.
I haven't seen them walk him, not to say they don't be come on.

Poor knuckles is always getting in trouble.

STOP THAT KNUCKLES
DONT DO THAT KNUCKLES
GET OUT KNUCKLES

Honestly I think it would be in knuckles best interest if I went over there and gave his owner a fricken knuckle sandwich.

He is a bit of a complainer, its been cold lately so he whines a lot.
He also poops a lot much to his owners dismay.
HEY if you don't want him pooping on the concrete, give the poor thing a bit of grass to go on.

Ahh I am sad for lovely knuckles.

Meanwhile back at the ranch..
I was up early again.
BOO
I amused myself with blogging, laughing at ghetto teen mothers on baby gaga (yeh I know I shouldnt but sue me) and playing in photoshop where I created this;




This will be my new sign off.
I like it. Probably because I...
1) I came up with the idea on my own
2) Downloaded the brushes
3) Created the cards

I wanted to make it a tad more creative.
But i've been at it for 3 hours and I am really really hungry!!!


The footy starts in an hour or so and normally I'd go down to the pub to watch the game but I sincerly can't be bothered.
I can listen to it online.

I hope everyone has had a fabulous weekend.
Mine has been okay, I am just glad I haven't gotten sick.


Ooops there goes that stupid owner again.
Yelling at knuckles.

Oink

90% of people who have the Flu at the moment in melbourne have pig flu.
My brother is totally coughing his guts up at the moment and its annoying the crap out of me.
I've got a sniffle.. a slight sniffle.
Must stay warm and hydrated. Wash hands compulsivley and eat lots of veggies.

Yeh.... not so much.
Ha.

My BFF @ work, M was definatly coming down with something.

I have no idea where my dad is, but I think he is in his room sleeping..
Which disturbs me because its 3pm on a saturday afternoon.
Thats something that I would do not him.

If he is coming down with something, he stupidly went for a ride on his motorbike in the very very cold wind.
Not the smartest idea in the world.

I was wondering, does anyone have any movies they would recommend?
I am running short of titles to buy illegally download.

I like;
Documentaries
Rom-Coms
Comedies

I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi or scary stuff.
I have enough night mares as it is.
Don't need to be chased down the street by a serial killer in my dreams too.

Any recommendations would be greatly appreicated.

I can't help but laugh

Its before 8 on a saturday morning.
Normally i'd be asleep til atleast 2..
Okay not 2.. but ya know.. quite late.
I can't believe I am awake..
Yet again I can't believe I actually went to bed at 9:30pm on a friday night.
Loser much.
I guess I am getting old... oh so old.
What to do with myself until I can rise at a reasonable hour?
Stupid nightmares waking me up!

Edit--

The good side of waking up early is

Taking yourself out for a yummy breakfast.
Going shopping.. yes I hate shopping.
I brought;

A Pair of Jeans (which I was convinced they wouldn't fit me when I picked them up but they totally fit well)
A nice going outish top- for my work dinner next week.
Lip Gloss
Clear mascara- Weird yes? nah coz I get my eye lashses tinted and I want them to look a little glossier..
yeh I'm so vain :(

Ummm a new hair brush.

Oh and I got a neck/shoulder massage which was nice..

I've put my washing on, done the dishes. Cleaned my room and its only 12:30.

I'm cheering for myself.. just a little.

TGIF!!!!!!

I can't believe its friday night.
Seriously, it blows my mind how quickly this week has gone.
I really want to do my friday fragments post, but I honestly can't be bothered even putting the link up.
I know.. Slack.

I was fine after my ultrasound yesterday.
Dinner with my work mates was okay, but the food for some people was terrible.
Lucky I didn't get a wood fired pizza too because it would have been burnt to shit like theirs.
Work went so quickly this morning. Before I knew it, it was 5pm and I was outta there.
We had a 3 hour + meeting.
It was terrible, after that long sitting down I wanted to jump out the window.
And it was so BORING and frustrating.
One of my managers talks SO much, he asks so many questions and never lets the subject change quickly.

But with that being said, it killed a lot of time.
Too bad, I had a alot of work to do.

I'm wrecked because I was having night mares last night.
Mr Mans now ex girlfriend (YES she finally came to her senses and moved out)
I didn't believe him when he told me, but he was talking to my friend when one of the removalist trucks pulled up. So she really left him. GOOD ON HER.
Anyway, in the dream I basically went to sydney where they live and told her everything.She seemed SO happy I told her the truth.. coz she knew something was up.
Then she left, came back and shot me in the head.
Yeh I was watching Law & Order and thats how someone died on the show last night.
So that kept me up for a while.. and when your having intense dreams like that.
Your not in a deep sleep, which totally sucks.

I am 99.9999 percent sure i've had an allergic reaction to lexpro.
I am rashy, and itchy all over and I have scratched myself too peices I'm gonna end up with more scars than I already have.
I need to decide what to do about that.


I had to re format my computer for the 4th time today.
I am such an idiot, I must just keep downloading virus's.
So now I have some nice protection which will hopefully prevent this from happening again.

I don't have any plans for the weekend, I really need to clean.
Possibly do a little shopping with what money I have left over for the month coz I get paid next week. YAY.

Its tax time and I'm due for an ok refund.. not huge but no one would turn down 1000 dollars would they? Nope well I sure as hell wont.

I also got a job title change at work because of all the extra stuff I'd been doing.
Yes its just a tittle change but it secretly made me a little happy and I was thankful for being reconized for all the extra things I do.


B is coming down next week for a sales conference
I AM SO EXCITED!!!! I haven't seen him since last October.
We were friendly then, but not as close as we are now so it will great to see him.
We have dinner on the monday night at a nice restuarant and I told him his testicles would be removed if he didn't sit next to me.
He is happily married, and people TALK. But I don't care, its nothing we haven't heard before.
Why is it a male and a female can't be friends if one or both is an a happy and healthy relationship. I'll NEVER know.
I was meaning to ask him this week about doing something on sunday night, but he had already made plans and was meeting some of the other guys at the airport.
It would be hard to sneak past them.

Considering that I am falling asleep.. I did a good job with this post.
But I should spell check so I don't look slow.

Lots of love to everyone.

My conclusion? Well.. Inconclusive

I just got back from my "Pelvic Ultrasound"
I say that loosely because it took almost an hour to do the whole thing.
I was lucky to get a woman(THANK GAWD) I don't think she worked at that hospital though.. I also had a trainee who was watching her do the proceed er.
Because I was in a women's and maternity hospital. I got to watch the whole thing on the tv above me. Kinda cool.

She tried through my stomach first, and had to take a look at my kidneys coz one is lil.

I will defiantly say the kidney part of it hurt much more than the trans part.
They have to push so hard to get a decent picture.
I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I was gonna get a trans, and everyone had reassured me I'd be fine.
She wasn't getting any good pictures so I had to empty my bladder.
After a bit of poking and prodding.
Left side, right side, sitting up.
She got everything she wanted.

Then they left the room and I stripped. Sexy.
They kept stressing that if I was a virgin this wasn't a good idea.
Seriously do i look like a virgin.... Coz to be honest with ya lady my first vibrator was far bigger than that probe! Sorry.. over share.

Its funny how when you think your relaxed its not,but all was okay.

She was VERY careful and checked everything.
The opening for cysts.
Uterus.. hehe its so funny how it looks exactly like its drawn in pictures.. it cracks me up! She checked my cervix.

They concentrated on my endometrium quite a bit.
I have no idea why..coz I dont know what it should look like.... they did like a contrast shot and a blood flow shot.

Very cool to watch.

My right ovary appeared and had 11 follicles..
Yeh I dont know if thats right.. They were little ones only 4mm.
My left ovary was hard to find it was under my uterus I think.. it looked fine said the tech and the doctor, but for some reason that was the only part...
Oh besides her ramming the probe into my rib cage that hurt.
The left only had 6 follicles all 4mm

I am on the pill and that surprised them a bit?
Yeh again.. lol NO idea.
I didn't have a period last month well it lasted for a day.
And I just gave up and started my birth control 12 days ago..

All in all, the tech appeared happy and the doctor had a quick look.

I am a lil sore from having the probe in there for about 30 minutes.
Maybe because the girl was in training?


So at the end of the day.. I still don't know anything.
But in another month I go back to the hospital and I will find out my results.

Again thanks to everyone for there words of advice.. they really helped!

I'm gonna be late for dinner.
Better run!!

Holy Crap

Linky

Trial & Error & Error & Error

So this afternoon I mentioned I was going to try cooking some things.
Two things i'd never done before.. One was a mini Quiche, and one was a french pastry called a profiterole.

First I left work 10 minutes early to buy a mini muffin tray for the quiches.. well I forgot the recipe. So there I was trying to remember everything.
Threw it all into my phone so i didn't forget anything.
I get to the shops, remember to buy EVERYTHING. Awesome.


I begin with the quiche because I assume it will be easiest.
Honestly, I flew threw those in an hour while on the phone to B.
They taste amazing & I figure its a fluke.



My presentation is NEVER the best but they taste great and they are cute.

Second I start the rolls.

There are alot of process, melt everything.. add flower let it sit.. add eggs.
Its such a sensitive recipe because if you do one thing wrong the pastry wont rise.

First fail= Not enough flour.
Now because I didn't know what the consistency should be because the god damn instructions were so fauge. I threw them in the oven, within 5 minutes they were as flat as pancakes.. yeh not what i wanted.

My recipe was hack so I started again.

Again it was a bit better, but this time I put FAR to much pastry in a ball so they were spreading and didn't rise. It was also a little to runny.

So finally I quit. I throw in some flour into my left over mixture.
AND FINALLY it works, its the right consistency!!!!!!

Onto the tray in LITTLE balls this time.
Into they oven and they are rising into little balls of goodness as we speak.
(I think) haha I'm laying down because I've been standing to long.
Fuck I hate having a desk job, you forget what its like to stand up for a few hours!!
Pathetic..

Well the batch SHOULD be almost done.
I then have to let them cool(crap) fill them with whipped cream and put some chocolate sauce on top.
If I get there and they don't end up in the bin..
I will take picture.

Seriously, cooking really is about trial and error..
Who'd have thought???


Update!!!!!

Profiteroles= Epic FAIL.
Hmm atleast I only wasted 10 dollars and 3 hours of my life.
I could have gambled that in online poker in one hand.

Between fighting for peace and dying for love we still find time to enjoy life

- PK Shaw.

That is the quote of the day on my desk calander.
Couldn't help but look at it and think it was true.

I spent so much time doing nothing today.
It wasn't intentional I am just having a slow day.
On the wind down now.

Despite all the positive feedback I recieved from the lovely ladies giving me advice on my pelvic ultrasound tomorrow..
I still can't help but me a little worried.
I have this unfounded fear that I'll drink TOO much and I will accidently pee on the ultrasound tech.
HA. I have a weak bladder so its a REAL possibility.

Tonight I am going to make profitter roles.
I am excited, they are a french thing and I am going to "Attempt" to make them.
I didn't tell any of the guys at work incase I fail!!!!!

If I pull it off, I will post some pictures of my handy work.

My hair has been so much better since I did my crazy mask.
I think i'm going to re try it MINUS the banana.
I recommend everyone try it, has improved the feel and look of my hair.
Definatly on my to-do list for this weekend.

I also really need to clean again.
I massive clean out.
ARGH I hate cleaning, I really need a cleaner.
Nooo that would be lay-zeeeee caragh.


My friend at work is trying to be extra annoying.
He says that me and his wife remind him so much of each other.
And I'm like "YOU WONDER WHY I NAG ITS BECAUSE YOUR ANNOYING"

He burps at me, so I burp back and suddenly its really yuck??
My burps kick his anyway.

Okay 30 minutes to go now.
Must do some work.. or google more recipes..

Bra's are evil

well at least mine is.
I am laying here in my pj's but i have my bra on.
I try and keep the girls strapped in most of the time, coz they is so big.
But I really want to take it off.
I am TOTALLY to tired to move.

Tomorrow is hump day already.
Shit.
I can't believe how fast this year has gone, its completly blowing my mind.

In other news, I caved and texted him.
I know, I know.. Weak.
I refuse to talk to him until im strong enough to work up the courage and say everything I want.
I'll do it. I know I will.


Thank you everyone for your sweet comments when I wasn't feeling well.
Also to the advice for the test I have to have.
Shit I have to find that paper work so I know when the appointment is.
Okay well I have to get up then haha

I know I have nothing interesting to report.
Apart from making myself sick with my favourite meal, my boss giving me the shits and my life passing me by..

I lead a very boring life.

The sun came out

MAN I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.
I had to drag myself out of bed knowing full well that I have to leave early on thursday, and I just had friday off.

I am feeling okay, my illness passed quickly.

I would like to thank everyone for their well-wishes and for there advice on the big pelvic ultrasound.
I truely appreicate it.

Ahh work smells today.
My boss is driving me nuts.

Well there goes that favourite recipe

I was buggered when I finished work.. but being the good(although sometimes evil) daughter that I am.. I thought I would make dinner.

I headed to the supermarket.. picked up some oysters.. random purchase but they looked fresh.
And some chicken for one of my all time favourite meals to cook.

Morocan Chicken.

However silly me forgot the cream and the chicken stock.
So I call dad and ask him to pick some up.
I throw the oysters under the grill..

Start to brown the chicken, which is covered in lovely morocan spices.
It gets a good 7 minutes on a high heat. Then I turn it down.
When dad gets home, another 10 minutes with the stock so it can reduce.
Pull out the chicken, put in the cream.

And we are done.
Cook some veggies, some mashed potatoes.
We are good, right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!

Have way through dinner my dad realises that his chicken isn't cooked well.
WTF almost 20 minutes for a peice of chicken..
Okay I guess it was a little thick.

I have already poured through my chicken.
I notice a few peices are a little under cooked. But I assume they will be fine.

Enter 4 hours later.

TMI ALERT.

My belly is aching
My butt is releasing mega farts
and my stomach is throwing up all kinds of acid that is ridiculously sweet?
Hmmm maybe thats the stomach acid from the un cooked chicken mixing with the chocolate I had for desert.

I am SO careful when I cook not to cross contaminate.
My Oma(Grandma) once poisoned me with un cooked meatballs while she was watching us when I was 15.
It was that kinda food poisoning where you dont feel ANYTHING>>>
Until you awake and your stomach among other things explodes.

Because I'd spent the whole night online, she assumed I was faking to get out of school coz I was tired..
Yeh not so much...

I spent all night and the following day hugging the toilet bowl.

I can only HOPE that my stomach has turned iron and at the moment it is fighting off the bacteria that is attempting to invaid my body right now..
Somehow though.. with my luck.

I don't think there is any chance of that.


Updated-

30 minutes later I threw up.
Stacks of bile.. but not much of my actual dinner.
ANNOYING.
That means one of two things.. my stomach was good enough to pass some of the food for me and will now let me feel better and sleep..
Or I have a long night ahead of me.
I have ice water, have cranked the window to get some air.

Oh please dont let this be one of those nights.

ladies if you'll please...

So on thursday.. I think (I've tried to block it out)
I have my "pelvic ultrasound"
when it was scheduled I was blissfully unaware that this COULD very well be an internal exam.

I am looking for some feed back.

1- Seriously does it hurt.. Pain scale of 1/10.
Keep in mind I've had limited doodle near my va-jay-jay.
haha I said near. So gay.

2- Will it hurt afterwards? I am going out to dinner that night as someone for my work is leaving. Is that a bad idea?

3- Roughly how long will it take. (this is the important thing, usally you know something is wrong by how long it takes.. thats how I knew my kidney was fudged)

Umm.. Seriously I think thats about it.
I know I have to drink a bit of water to fill the old bladder.

Eeepp I'm still hoping Its just an external. But I know thats kinda stupid.
I also cannot be ASSED waxing or shaving for someone to shove something in there that will give me NO pleasure and only pain. (the bad kind)


Sometimes I wish ignorance was bliss.. and I could have just ignored it all.
But seeing as I had terrible pain again this month, followed by a 1 day period.
I think its better that I keep my head out of the sand until i've been given some answers or the all clear.

So if you would please.
Help this clue-less girly out.

XX

Weeeeeeeee

I bounced out of bed this morning.
Okay I didn't bounce but I woke up at 6:29am.
My alarm goes off at 6:30am
hehe WEIRD.

I was up and in the shower
and makeup and hair and out the door.
Stopped to get my coffee, and my fruit.
made great time getting to work.

And here I am.
I was in early so emails have been checked.
Tasks set aside for the day

and awayyyyy we go.

Anger

I have always had trouble controlling my anger.
When I'm depressed that anger is the first thing that comes about.
I become snappy, moody and in general a terrible person to be around.

It can be at a colleuge.
A friend
A family memeber
A random stranger who cuts me off

But its very random and full on.

Over the past few months, I have noticed my anger diminish.
I am a much nicer person than I was a few months ago.

The truth is, I couldn't BE anymore hurt at what RM has done to me.
I couldn't be more ANGRY that he has, and continues to lie to me.
But I won't let that anger define me.
I wont let it make me do anything stupid.
I won't be hurtful towards him, or others.
Hurting them might release some of my anger.
But it wont make me feel any better.
And I know, that as each day passes.
All the feels I have bottled up surrounding these past 17 months.. Will begin to fade away.
I will never stop loving him, or stop being angry or hurt.

But as I wake up each morning, or as I fall asleep each night.
It will not be the thoughts that control me.

I say no to anger.

So help me god, I will not touch fake tan again

So yesterday just before I left.
I made a comment that the fake tan hadn't worked.
So I smothered myself in bronzer. Off I went.

Well by the time I got there, it had started to work and boy was it patchy on my legs.
This morning I woke up, and I'm orange. Yeh pretty streaky and orange.
Thank god its winter and I cover up.

I am so itchy from these meds that I am on.
I can't control it.
I know its in my head but nothing helps. It like hurts NOT to itch.
But then off course if I itch.. it hurts also because I end up breaking the skin.
Yeh I scratch THAT hard.
I can't help it.
So now.. but of TMI here. I am sitting here in no pants.
Smoothered with moisturizer so that if it its I can rub, or scratch and it wont do so much damage.
Even know its tingling saying "ITCH ME CARAGH ITCH ME"

Driving me nuts.

I have to put pants on and go down to the shops to get some food.
ahh how will I go.
Must not itch in public.

I ended up putting fake tan on my neck.. to ya know blend with my chest.
THANK GAWD that is the one place that didnt go all streaky.

Ahhh
My stupidity really will be the death of me!

Wow- Wedding Review

So I just got home from the wedding.
HUGE fucking day I tells ya.
Getting up at 7am seemed like a good idea in theory, but in reality not so much.
Well my little idea about getting there early and beating the traffic and such..
Not so much a great plan. We were an hour early and hung out in the car.
My friend got married on a moutain... not literally on the side of a mountain but ya know up a moutain. Okay its too hard to explain here is the venue
It was a beautiful place.. HOWEVER.

Mountain + Middle of winter + Melbourne = FRICKEN COLD.
It rained a lot and was generally pretty damn cold.

The ceremony was very very quick. It wasn't a relgious ceremony, just like a chapel service. The mothers read poems, my friends son who is almost 1 was involved. He was so cute making a whole heap of nose. He has obviously learnt that when he put its hand too his mouth and pulls it away it makes a cool noise.
So there was lots of ah ah ah ah ah ya ya ya ya.

My friend looked beautiful, her dress was a bit.. err different.
White with beading but maroon straps.
It suited her but pretty much wouldn't have suited anyone else.
My other good friend her maid of honor looked stunning.
She was actually more nervous than the bride.. she falls over a lot.

After the ceremony there was a 2 hour gap until the reception.
HUGE drainer. Thankfully some of our friends had rented a room and we hung out there.
2 hours finally passed and we were hit with some drinks and lovely snacks.

The reception was nice mostly. Food was good. Speeches were cute.
I think I liked the first dance and the father daughter dance the best.
It made me want to get married only so i can make dad dance with me.

I had a pretty good time. The friends I went with got pretty drunk. One in particular had a bottle of vodka in her bag.
Yeh she drank it all and revealed to us at 9:30 that she had a party to go to in the city. Or rather her boyfriend was going to a party in the city and she wanted to keep an eye on him.
She was drunk, being obnoxious and loud so I thought rather than making her MORE miserable I would drive her into the city to meet her boyfriend.

What an interesting car trip that was. Glad I was sober so I can remember all the random crap she was saying. We left at like 10:30 which seems SO early but really I was stuffed and had to drive home.

Finally got her into the city 40 minutes later, stoppd to get my other sobering up friend some food (god im so nice) then dropped her home and came straight home to bed.

All in all it was a cute day.
I am glad to see my friend has found someone who truly loves her and wants to share a life with her and their son. They are very lucky.

Infact now I'm thinking everyone in a long term relationship is lucky.
And I'm feeling a bit alone ha ha ha.

Hope everyone had a good day.
I will have an AWESOME sleep tonight and a restful day tomorrow.

XX

FINALLY

I finally did it.
I finally exploded.
I finally let him have it.
I'm so fucking angry.
There are no words I can come out with.

But at the end of the day, I'm not proud of myself.
Of course I'm not.

In all honesty.
I wish I was dead.